Helping.Mom

Take-Away: We SUBMIT and SING to SEEING God.    Please read Ephesians 5:19-21:  19 Speak to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord; 20 Give thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ; 21 Submit yourselves one to another in the fear of God. I like to say, Speak, See (God), and Serve.  Share your thoughts, call/text me 2143049822 

“It’s one thing for a man to live in his mother’s house; it’s another for his mother to live in his house.”  —Terry  There is much to hate about caregiving, maybe 93% of it?!? (jus kidn) 4 include: Emotionalism; Impact; Frustration, and: Feminization Share your thoughts, call or text Amy-Vet/caregiver Terry at 214 304 9822 

There are 3 phases, or stages, that care RECEIVERS go through: I dont need you--I got this I dont want you--you dont do anything right I demand you-why arent you?  (maybe a 4th: I cant have you)  

The greatest threat to caregivers is isolation Caregiving isolates us-- physically from family, friends & positive social relationships emotionally from care receiver spiritually from God--Is THIS all there is? WHAT is the point?  The 3 primary causes of isolation: Principles, ethics, morals, standards, expectations, spirituality Pain Plan-lessness leading to Panic Cures for Caregiving Isolation: humbly ask for help (contrast Proverbs 19:20 vs 27). Which are you?  build team around care receiver schedule breaks, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly identify with fellow caregivers eat well MOVE! (follow Howard Luks on X/Twitter) Share your ideas, prayer requests, feeback to Terry at Info@Helping.Mom or call my cell 214 304 9822 

The path to isolation is marked by 3 steps: 1) pain begins journey—usually words as talebearer that go deep. Isolation seems safe. 2). you take counsel of self (echo chamber), where your perspective + ideas seem best because unchecked. 3) if/when you do emerge conflict ensues—hence wars (see James) with others, or further retreat. The isolation pattern is born, like every rap star spitting out lyrics against “they”… if everyone is singing about “they,” then WHO is THEY?? You do same, they dont understand me, they wont help me, they dont care.  Consider all in our society that separates us. Perfectionism, being task oriented, addiction, criminal behavior, anger, pride, sports, desire to be the best, materialism, shyness, gossip, selfishness, demanding our way, laziness, ignorance, gluttony, tribalism, and clannishness, prejudice, Being a high achiever, self isolation, fear. Add now to this the pain & problems of caregiving itself.  In his book, the Great Divorce, CS Lewis describes hell as a Gray Town place where each person thinks she is happier the more they isolate themselves from one another. Each retreats by free will into that which hurts, then kills her.   Imagine hell as a place where you get everything you want, and more, forever, by yourself. Caregivers ironically do much of the same. See Proverbs 18:1--we pursue our ideas, or even the ideal, and so take fatal step after fatal step from all others who can inform and help us on this journey.   You’ve heard the expression, “pride comes before a fall.” The Bible doesn’t actually say this, but close to this is proverbs 18:12. In fact, all of Proverbs 18 is a warning against the evils of self-absorbed isolation.  And, much of caregiving is self-absorbed (woe is me) pity, mixed with isolation (especial emotional separation). We lose touch with care receiver, family members, friends, our habits of life, and even ourself. In process we become lazy, speak foolishness, are full of pride, and in time lose heart. A strong spirit can sustain a broken body, but nothing can sustain a broken spirit (called implosion).  Isolation is born out of arrogance, coupled with fear. Isolation breeds ignorance. We never grow wise in isolation. The three great teachers of wisdom are nature, the Bible, and interaction with others. Isolation robs us all three.  The prodigal son was alone. He was alone in his mind when he rebelled against his father, he was alone with the pigs. And every step he took toward the hogs he was alone. He was somewhat alone around everyone else except for his father When he returned. Then others slowly returned to him. I doubt he was ever alone afterward.  Eve sinned when she was alone from her husband, Cain when alone from parents.  The strength of David, even as his restoration following horrible sins with Bathsheba and killing her husband, was that he never traveled alone. David was always in midst of his soldiers & preachers.  The strongest biblical metaphors are the body, a building like the temple, a family, and an army. There are no Lone Rangerd in the faith. And no effective caregivers can in the end go it alone. Remember, even the Lone Ranger had Tonto. he was never alone. In his great book Pilgrims Progress, John Bunyan show us Christian is never alone. First he walks with faithful, then with hopeful. Then the promised land post-River.  Let us as caregivers work in faith and hope, walking with faithful, hopeful others. Let us examine what inside us today isolates us. Then count the cost of that continued isolation.  Is it worth it?  

The Caregiver’s Christmas Song Each year at Christmas time a different hymn has special meaning to me. It’s lyrics, it’s melody, it's new singer or composition. This year is O Holy Night, for this is a caregiver’s hymn. I have streamed 75+ different singers & groups perform it this past week. It acurately captures 3 tenets of caregiving. But do you know it’s fascinating history? Have you read the actual poem that gave rise to this much-revised staple on our radios this time of year? Have you ever read it’s deep practical meanings?  Three points from this hymn have special meaning for caregivers: 1) The heart of caregiving is the soul. The human soul feels it’s worth in Christ. Jesus says we possess nothing of value compared to our soul given to us at birth. And that if we should gain this entire world during our lifetime, we will still die bankrupts in hell if we do not have our soul’s worth found in Him.  2) Your care receiver languishes in anguish. pines in pain, without you. Enslaved like a hidden brother/sister, we serve them through His law as love, and His gospel as peace. This is what we DO as caregivers--we bring love and peace. Without you, your care receiver would be dead, or at best, pining beneath the suffering of body & mind in this falling world.  3) We serve the CHRIST inside our care receiver. This is the trick. He demonstrated for us, and now teaches us, to love one another. Let all oppression cease in his name. Let all within us praise his holy name, as our knees bow to HIS worth--through our care receiver. We serve the Ideal inside, if not the real outside.   Please share your thoughts to Info@Helping.Mom  

The Pretty Feet of Caregivers -- What the strangest verse in Bible about feet has to do with caregivers, today on helping.mom  WHAT kind of feet do you have? Egyptian, Greek, Roman, Peasant, or Asian? Look at pic on google, then compare.  NOW, are your feet beautiful as caregiver?  Text: the strangest verse in Bible speaks of pretty feet…  In NT we are told this about caregiver feet:  Hebrews 12:13-15  And make straight paths for your feet, lest that which is lame be turned out of the way; but let it rather be healed. Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord: Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled; Peace and Holiness, calm & truth, should mark our work, our path, as caregivers. Holiness with God, Righteousness with Man. We do this through following straight paths. Straight means simple, honest, basic, transparent, real, direct, candid. No subtle craftiness, deception, strangenesses, gambits, bets, short cuts.  Blessed are Caregiver Feet which are simple and able to be understood. Pursuing Peace as Caregiver.  The strangest verse in Bible, about feet, is in OT.  Isaiah 52:7 very strange verse in Bible: how beautiful the feet on mountains… of those who do 4 things. I was raised thinking feet are ugly, to be hid in closed-toe shoes. And that loose women bare their ankles to men. Yet arguably one of most sexy things in life is inside ankle area of bare feet. With regard to young daughters, one of the most pure, honest, coolest images is watching your little girl with pants rolled up, stepping into cool water, or walking on beach. The innocence of little kids' feet. Wow! Being a child is being bare feet!!! If you have one hour today, look at how feet have been described in ancient and medieval times, from Japan to Europe. It was King Henry II who gave us standard 12-inch "foot" as unit of measurement. Here in Isaiah: beautiful is the life/feet/lifestyle/work of the person who pursues 4 things—good news, peace, positive outlook, message of salvation. What Jelly Roll calls “a path toward redemption”  Straight is simple. Simple is straight.  Walking presupposes seeing, then thinking, planning, executing. Feet follow gaze.  As caregivers, let us have beautiful feet by pursuing peace, keeping our mouth shut if our heart is full of pain, and making peace wherever possible to care for our moms. Peace with men (righteousness) is related to holiness with God. Our faith is what we objectively do, not subjectively believe. Go & show Jesus tells his miracle recipients.  You will not see God. Or enjoy Him here. Without righteousness & holiness. The vertical plane of H must match the righteous plane of R. And you must do this over time, through life.  Faith does not take us out of this world, faith deeply ground in the reality of this world. Faith is not like Calgon—"take me away!" Pure religion is to care for helpless in this world, right now, where & how they need help (Ja 1:27).  If you’re talking but not walking you’re alone.  Let us have beautiful feet today as caregivers--be they Roman, Egyptian, Greek or whatever 

Catholic dead-saint Anthony: Satan uses 3 things to trap us: regret for past; ingratitude for present, fear of future. I believe all three of these are at heart of bitterness, and describe perfectly modern American culture. What to do when your mother gives you the middle finger. Bitterness in Caregiving.   Malice is at the core of bitterness and 4 other destructive (Eph 4:32) behaviors.  Bitterness is a root, and route. The root of bitterness is anger, its route is bitterness, gossip, slander, clamour, lying, etc.    Cain was bitter before he became a murderer.  Adam was bitter at Eve. Eve at Adam. Both against the snake. God against all 3.  Saul was bitter at the success of David. David at Absalom.  Moses was bitter at God. Pharaoh was bitter at Moses. Moses was bitter at God in denying him the ability go to the promised land, God was bitter at Moses because of all that He entrusted to Moses  Bitterness comes from the German word bite. Bite me/Bite my head off. Same.  What is to good side of spectrum?  Disappointment is good side of bitterness is sarcasm bitterness on steroids?  Aren’t all funny comedians just bitter? Is bitterness the cause or the means? I think means toward end--to kill.   In other words is there something called bitterness or is it really just anger manifested in a particular way?  Is bitterness spectrum in other words to the left is something good but you cross the line and becomes bitterness. For example, critical skills, self reflection, honesty, accuracy, and “being honest.“ Do these things lead to bitterness? Two F’s to cure bitterness. Forget & Future.. You must forgive and forget. You must become Teflon. You cannot let it stick. You cannot let their biting affect your definition of yourself. You must be content, knowing that God knows you. This works both ways. Second you must focus on the future. You must shift your thought to a future small goal. If your mother gives you the middle finger at eight in the morning, focus on how she will be at 11 AM when you treat her to lunch. Joseph was bitter at his brothers while he lay in prison and suffered temptations under Potifer's loose wife. Yet he forgot, and he helped them in future.  We expect perfection in others. We never expect it in ourselves. We exact justice on others, and appeal to grace for ourselves.  Contact me at info@helping.mom  

On this the worst Thanksgiving Day of my life, still, we give thanks as caregivers.  1) Thankfulness is not an emotion. It is based on value and promise. You are valuable because God made you, because Christ died for your sins, because the Holy Spirit inhabit you, and because God will receive you. Your value is connected to his promise. 2) Thankful does not mean I am happy because of all the things I own in life. It means because though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you are with me. I am yours, and this is your valley. And there is an into it, and in the meantime, you’re with me. 3) Thankfulness is not a celebration of how great life is going, but the fact of the depth of God‘s provision of love toward you and that perfect love, cash out fear. God loves you fully, Christ died for you Foley, the Holy Spirit controls you Foley. Heaven is where you are ultimately and forever full. 4) We practice thankfulness, we do not feel it. Complaining is an expression of our lack of trust and God’s commitment to us for our ultimate good.  5) Thankfulness purifies  Psalm 27:1 leads to psalms 27:4  Jadah is connected to Hosanna — each is prayer    Hymn still true= Give thanks with a grateful heart Give thanks to the Holy One Give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ His Son —Don Moen 

Contact Helping.Mom (we don’t spam) There are 2 layers of caregiving, one masculine the other feminine. And we need both. Which are you?  The Book of Jude First, the book or letter of Jude. If you are tired of fake formal religion, what some call Christianity in Golden Slippers, read this incredible small book, by Jesus’ half-brother (brother of James). In this letter Jude challenges real from fake faith, and tells believers to discern truth, persist in right, and accept the limitations of the weak--while serving. He tells us to practice what we preach, to focus on fruit not leaves.  Example: Jude 20-21: Build up your faith; pray; keep yourselves in love of God; practice the mercy of Christ--and of some have compassion making a difference, and others (23) save with fear, pulling the out of fire--hating the garments spotted by the flesh. The first layer of caregiving is masculine, and speaks of duty chore responsibility obligation. Sacrifice. Service. Suffering. And silence. The other is feminine: loving. Giving kind generous. Healthy. Caring. Nurture.  The masculine focus on task is found in second part of what Jude says above--to pull them out of fire, even hating what they smell like. Some people ain’t no damn good. You care for them because of who you are, not them. My sister care for a man called our dad, who hated us. He abandoned me. Even as she cared for him in his deranged old age he was awful to her and her family. He even gave her secret bank information to her ex husband so he could steal all her money. Even as she mopped up his urine off the floor of her living room because he was too lazy to walk to the bathroom.  My sister Cassie is a better Christian than me.  Caregiving is sometimes like being a prison guard. You provide the tools and structure so that if they want to help themselves they can. God blesses people through the obedience of his believing servants. 98% of caregiving is not seen; it is behind the walls.  But our highest aim is the spiritual best of our care receiver This means we pray for them. We wish their ultimate best and we see our best work as caregiver is spiritual work. Their sanity, peace, dignity, respect, fulness of humanity, spirit, mind and soul. These are the things which live forever. These are what make us human.  Caregiving is opportunity and duty. Possibility + Chore. The salient characteristic of Christianity is forgiveness, we should look continually into the mercy of Jesus. The same for our caregiving.  My chains fell off, says one old hymn, my heart was free. I rose henceforth and followed thee. We are like father in Luke 15 who amidst the many numerous tasks of caregiving still keeps one eye out for returning son--and relationship again, above all else. This focus on person is feminine.  Caregiving is tasks-within-relationship, fully masculine and fully feminine. Which do you need to work on? 

Contact Helping.Mom (we don’t spam) Who to hire to help you?  The difference between men and women is seen clearly when asking this question: what is the most important thing when hiring a helper for your mother?  The woman will say things like “she must be kind and generous and gracious and patient and loving and sweet and so forth." The man will respond "nonsense.  Here is what she really must be: " Someone who can take an ass chewing, be criticized, micromanaged, told what to do, how to do it.  Someone who can endure long boring stories with no purposes or points or meanings.  Someone who forgets, with absolute confidentiality. There is a reason why the king would kill everyone of the servants after 12 months of service. Someone who can shift sights quickly & often.  Someone who does their duty. This is work. Do your job. You need them to do their duty. I don’t care if they love it, have a kind heart, or are generous, sweet and kind. These are nice, but not necessary.  You need him to do their job, quietly, against all sorts of negativity, and keep their mouth shut. Confidentiality is Key.   Someone who keeps head in chaos. Dependability, the ability to keep clear head clear in times of panic. For example, if your mom falls down at the shopping mall, what is next. If the oxygen machine breaks, How to change tanks of oxygen when your mother is semi comatose.  Someone who is CPR, willing to use it.  In Terms of pay—pay him/her so much they never leave and instead volunteer to help your mom in more ways than you can pay them to do.  Would I ever hire a male? Certainly.   But I will not hire a Liberal.  Share your thoughts to Info@Helping.Mom

Contact Helping.Mom (we don’t spam) Today we look at book by Messie Condo "Nobody Wants your [Stuff]". Please also listen to my own podcasts 32 and 33, for more info. Please also share your experiences, at info@helping.mom

Contact Helping.Mom (we don’t spam) 29 countries, 234 new cities now listening to helping.mom, including new friends below!    Mount Laurel, NJ Oakland, CA Helsinki, Finland  Kanasin, Yucatán  Rensselaer, IN (home of "Brian's Song"  movie, and Speaker of US House of Reps Charlie Halleck) West Lafayette, IN  My 6 goals of being caregiver for my mom:   Integrity--subjective, objective, character/competence/reliability  Context--part of whole, all of fabric, all must win for each to win  Balance--i wasnt born for this, but i am equipped for this. This tho real is not ultimate.   Courage--to learn, fail, say "i am sorry, serve without note, be honest in all directions, say "no," agree to "yes," seek best of all, tell truth, make hardest decisions possible in life  Perspective--kalidoscopic (HOW do you spell this word???) with view like fly  eyes.   Communications--intra, supra, external, to find one who will listen. 85% talk, they dont listen. Who am I a 15% to? 

Contact Helping.Mom (we don’t spam) Matthew 10:24-5  The disciple is not above his master, nor the servant above his lord. It is enough for the disciple that he be as his master, and the servant as his lord. So what does this mean? Who is He? What about Him are we to be like?  We cant be: Son of God, Saviour of World, Ruler of Heaven & Earth, Messiah, King, Judge, Creator....So how CAN we be "as him?"   We are to be caregivers  If they have called the master of the house Beelzebub, how much more shall they call them of his household? He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it. But He also warns in 37-38: He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me. Caregiving is Christianity. Turning other cheek. Loving enemies. Praying for those who have missed you. Giving 2nd coat/level of effort. Rejoice with those who rejoice Caregiving is a reflection of the gospel. - life - hope  - truth - value The world (culture) cares nothing of these things. The gospel provides you were created in the image of God, though in great need that you cannot meet, but must be met by sacrificial love from outside.  Your value is established in your life, but the truth is that you need help from outside to live as you were intended to live. You are body and you are spirit. Your body fails, your spirit will live forever. The ultimate goal of caregiving is the spiritual well-being of your care receiver. Second is the overall quality of life that we can provide within the context of other challenges and resource limitations. This is a shadow or taste of something greater.  Knowing someone cares (however imperfectly) takes the care receiver beyond despair. Our care and demonstrated love serves as an anchor of their soul of their own value.  That life is worth living, and it is greater than what I am going through at present. Caregiving:  love God, love others greater than yourself If you have done it unto least of these, youve done it unto me Well done, good and faithful servant J127 vs J215--doing vs talking only, real faith vs non The first will be last, the greatest the servant of all He took a cup and washed their feet His sandals I am not worthy to unlatch

Contact Helping.Mom (we don’t spam) The hardest thing to do in life is to remember God. He is gone like the morning dew in the desert of Yuma. He vanishes on way up, on way down, and in busy-ness in between. When is the last time you thought about God, for, say, more than 15-seconds straight?  What is is about caregiving that causes us to forget Him even more? Well, everything about caregiving causes us to forget Him.  A cure is Psalm 48. In it we are told we can study Him, see Him, hear Him, and experience Him--that we might then share Him with the generation that follows behind. This, I think, is key to remembering God in our daily caregiving. Experience Him, then Share Him--THEN you will remember Him. You dont learn, then do--you do, then learn. Try it!      

Contact Helping.Mom (we don’t spam) Rejoice that God has given you this hard work, and He has qualified you for it.  Rejoice that His works are eternal, and your work is absorbed within His own.  Rejoice that crowns await you, fashioned by His hands to fit your head perfectly.  Rejoice your care receiver is alive, and you are here, responsible--serving.  Rejoice your kids see your example, and no one around you can argue against your silent testimony. Instead, they honor and are provoked by you to do their own good works.  Rejoice that our verbs go with us into heaven, like when we give, love, serve, care, help, assist, teach, guide, protect, schedule, cook, clean, plan, do, etc.  Please share your own joys with me at info@helping.mom 

Contact Helping.Mom (we don’t spam) Questions every caregiver asks vs ONE we should ask  How long is it going to last?  What is the impact of this upon me—my ____?  What changes do I need to make to ___?  Do we have enough money?  Can I do this? What if my CR ___falls, gets sick, vomits, loses mind, gets worse, becomes violent? Am I going to have to change her diapers? (Or other awful fear)  HOW awful (not is) is this going to be?  Will anyone help me?   Will we have to put into nursing home?  How do govt programs & insurance work?  Where do I go for help?  Who do I ask? Should I tell my friends? Kids?  Will my mom suffer dementia?  Why me?  Why is this so difficult? Can any good come out of this? What if i die first?  Can I do this? SEV  times  The BEST question we can ask instead: What should I do today, right now, to maximize the quality of life for my CR--within the context of all other factors?  Please share your ideas to Info@helping.mom

My take as Army Vet/caregiver: Charlie Kirk was a Cultural Caregiver to our nation, strengthening minds & hearts through speech, reason, & debate. He is why we have the 1st Amendment in our Constitution. He was murdered for his faith in Jesus Christ, and for taking the “leaven” of faith serious in his life & work. Let us as caregivers to our own loved ones serve them today in peace and hope and love—in light of the timelessness of eternity. 

Contact Helping.Mom (we don’t spam) Matthew 8: 5-10 Elements of US Army (indeed, of all US Military) is same as our Caregiving: MISSION  RECON SITREP RISK  PLAN OPORD COMMS Hooah!  Send ideas to Info@helping.mom

Contact Helping.Mom (we don’t spam) Make sure you Listen to end on this podcast.  4 Mental Images of Sameness dominate our thinking: Groundhog Day Movie, Prison Cells, Chinese Water Torture, and Mouse Wheels. But let us examine these more closely.  Is it sameness we dislike so much, or something deeper?  Whatever it is, really, how can we combat it?  Please listen and share your thoughts today, at info@helping.mom