A Thousand Tiny Steps

Emerging and changing my ways one tiny step at a time is not easy. Between school board, my living situation, my neighbor dying and my desire to keep things the same, but also change can feel like climbing an uphill battle.    Key Takeaways:    [0:28] We're supposed to be grateful in November, but I don't want to be  [2:35] What emergence means in my life  [7:37] Feeling ignored and not liked on school board  [11:24] My desire to change, but keep things the same  [18:15] Having no time alone at home, but having to share  [21:42] Thinking about what needs to happen for things to change  [24:28] My neighbor Brian died      Connect with Barb:   Website   Facebook    Instagram   Be a guest on the podcast    YouTube   The Molly B Foundation  

I was fired from my coaching job, dealt with an inappropriate dad, an emotionally unstable teenager, and people that shot me nasty looks. All while having an unsupportive administrative staff that didn't have my back. This is the story of the ups and downs of my coaching job at Bow.   Key Takeaways:    [3:21] Being hired at Bow High School as a coach  [5:55] The new athletic director hated me  [9:42] Our first meeting he chastised me for talking about Molly too much [10:53] Transportation and me having the kids in my personal car became a problem [12:19] Where the trouble began: the twins and Candice  [13:47] Using SnapChat to communicate with the students [15:54] Being told not to talk about periods to my athletes  [17:11] Being told I couldn't tie dye shirts with my athletes in my personal yard [20:23] Candice didn't want to run [21:24] Being told I couldn't put MollyB on team t-shirts  [23:04] Introducing Candice to Gracie and missing the awards ceremony  [26:35] Sending my tattoo in the group chat and offending Candice  [28:42] Being suspended because of the tattoo photo and the emails sent [38:12] Being fired and Candice's dad, Doug's conversations with me [46:38] Sending an angry email and making things personal with MD [49:14] Issues with transportation for the team, activities, and social media [52:47] Bow winning the team title was a big deal [54:38] Being sent an anonymous nasty letter to my home [59:11] I wasn't inappropriate, but I messed up  [1:02:56] Past runners still reach out to me in gratitude  [1:04:33] People have stopped talking to me since all this  [1:06:49] MD didn't help me and now I just have mementos to reminisce  [1:09:01] The worst part was that Gracie was hurt by all of this  Resources:   Concord Monitor Article Patch Article     Connect with Barb:   Website   Facebook    Instagram   Be a guest on the podcast    YouTube   The Molly B Foundation 

I looked back on the two friends I've lost since I recorded this episode and the ones I've kept. In this episode, I thought about the people I surrounded myself with, what that meant, and the wonderful support I receive. It's interesting to look back and see the toxic people I spent time with and how much my life has changed since then.    Key Takeaways:    [0:00] Getting sucked into a cycle of mistreatment  [4:15] Fight, flight, fawn, and freeze  [7:02] Susan is someone who brings me so much joy [9:40] Roberta learns so much about me through my podcast  [12:30] Deb has been my friend since middle school  [16:32] The most important people I've been friends with since childhood [17:36] The importance of who I'm surrounding myself with [20:19] Am I facilitating healthy friendships? [24:23] Things have changed 2 years later  [25:37] How my friendship with Taylor ended  [29:14] How my friendship with Polly ended  [35:44] I have strengthened some friendships, but I don't have many  [39:27] Please leave reviews for the podcast  [41:21] Where I am now Resources:   Buy Motherland here Karen Kenney     Connect with Barb:   Website   Facebook    Instagram   Be a guest on the podcast    YouTube   The Molly B Foundation  

I've lost count of how many restraining orders have been in my life from either me having to file them, helping others file them, or having them filed against me. At some point it just feels like a circus and an abuse of the system. In this episode, I break down the history of them in my life and question if they really help people.    Key Takeaways:    [0:00] Does a restraining order actually do anything?  [1:57] My restraining order against Science Guy [4:16] Helping Amy get a restraining order and then filing for one against her  [12:32] Losing my job and filing for another one  [17:58] Filing for protective orders seemed like a game to them   [20:23] Roy filing for a restraining order against me  [25:18] Thinking about the role that this has played in my life  Connect with Barb:   Website   Facebook    Instagram   Be a guest on the podcast    YouTube   The Molly B Foundation  

Science Guy was my high school biology teacher who I lost my virginity to. He died a couple of months ago and I only found out a few weeks ago. I'm grieving for him and many people have an opinion on that. But two things can be true: I can realize the good moments we had together and also realize it was inappropriate.    Key Takeaways:    [0:00] Being sexually abused as a child and being told to be quiet  [4:20] Science guy died a few months ago, reeling in the good and bad [11:35] Feeling wanted by an older man and joining track to spend time with him  [16:29] I took my post on grieving Bruce down as the comments were ugly [20:57] The relationship was inappropriate, but it wasn't uncommon  [26:08] Part of me is angry that it feels like people tell me how to heal  [28:42] Being told I had to tell my story in front of the school board  [30:07] Being attacked for this and getting a restraining order  [32:10] Still crying over the mix of emotions I feel  [34:51] I know there are many more people like me  Resources:   The Silence of Great Distance  Connect with Barb:   Website   Facebook    Instagram   Be a guest on the podcast    YouTube   The Molly B Foundation  

I was sexually abused as a child and it still impacts me at almost 60 years old. It took me a long time to be able to tell this story and to look back at the psychological impact that these terrible experiences had on me. It was a confusing time where I lost so much of myself, but telling this story has been cathartic. If you need help there are resources below.    Key Takeaways:    [2:45] My mom was a stay at home mother and my dad worked a lot  [4:20] First instance of sexual abuse   [6:46] It happening again and feeling terrible for not saying anything  [9:40] First physical incident and the fear it created in me  [14:28] Being abused constantly in 5th grade [18:04] Setting fire to my clothing  [19:07] My social life began to tank in 5th grade   [21:30] Being aware of my sexuality   [23:35] Being abused again, but having a better understanding  [25:07] Going to the ER for asthma and feeling safe in the hospital  [26:32] Being abused in 6th grade and hypervigilance  [28:59] Having to get my siblings ready in the morning [31:08] Beginning to understand the full scope of sexual abuse  [33:16] The last abuse attempt and telling my mom  [35:23] Looking back on the psychological changes in me  [37:41] Family history of abuse and generational trauma     [39:41] Struggling with sleeping with a lot of people in my early twenties  [42:54] Isolating myself, depression, and exhaustion   [45:14] Reexperiencing trauma and hypervigilance  [47:14] Parental support helped save me  [47:44] My response to sexual abuse  [50:41] How being abused affected my parenting  [52:33] Getting very sick in the hospital and not eating  [53:59] The good and the bad in my life  [56:18] Releasing these words is cathartic to me  [57:14] Victims are not at fault for being assaulted  [57:39] Losing parts of myself, but continuing to push forward Resources:   Twister Movie National Sexual Abuse Hotline National Domestic Abuse Hotline Helping Survivors Connect with Barb:   Website   Facebook    Instagram   Be a guest on the podcast    YouTube   The Molly B Foundation  

My sophomore year was full of ups and downs. I went into the year not knowing where to sit at lunch, and unsure of myself. I ended up going to Germany, quitting gymnastics, joining the cheer team, and becoming a track star. As all these amazing things happened, I spent more time with my teacher, science guy, which quickly became something more.  Key Takeaways:   [8:30] Going to gymnastics camp again and feeling harassed  [11:03] Gymnastics camp giving me a social life [12:36] My eventful first day of 10th grade as a cheerleader [13:58] Mr. Smith made such an impact on my life [17:07] Going to science guy's class and being humiliated  [19:34] Enjoying cheerleading, dances, getting drunk and in trouble [24:35] Quitting gymnastics and struggling with my asthma  [26:25] Keeping myself insanely busy and trying to find a new social group [28:39] Starting to spend time with science guy in his apartment [30:28] I struggle with boundaries and where lines can blur with teachers  [34:01] Making excuses to spend more and more time with science guy  [36:30] Going out for track because of science guy, but struggling with asthma  [41:24] Feeling like I fit in, becoming a track star, and getting popular  [45:57] Having sex for the first time at 15 and the trauma repeating in my life  [50:53] I recreated the abuse and trauma from when I was younger  Resources:   The Silence of Great Distance  The Body Keeps the Score Connect with Barb:   Website   Facebook    Instagram   Be a guest on the podcast    YouTube   The Molly B Foundation  

As I Mother both my mom and my children at the same time, it made me contemplate what a mother is, all the things I take on, and how that impacts me. It made me think about growing up and how parenting is seen so differently these days. In this episode, I explore how my life has impacted my parenting.    Key Takeaways:   [0:39] The mental load that mothers have to take on and what it means to be one  [4:03] Having to take care of my mom and still be a mom myself  [5:56] How my childhood impacted what I think a good mom is  [12:02] How the younger generations have changed  [14:26] Feeling like I'm always the one making sacrifices  [16:56] Doing a Hyrox race and what an amazing community that is  [20:15] Stressing out about things I can't change  Connect with Barb:   Website   Facebook    Instagram   Be a guest on the podcast    YouTube   The Molly B Foundation  

 As a result of trauma, boundaries have been a lifelong struggle for me. From my friendship with Robin, my friendship with Steph, and my job loss at Bow boundary crossing has followed me. I explore these 3 events in my life and how trauma has affected them. In this episode, not only do I share my journey with trauma, but also what I have begun to learn about my behavior.   Key Takeaways:    [1:15] My struggle with setting boundaries as a result of trauma  [8:58] My friendship with Robin [15:21] Getting legal support from the wrong person [17:59] How my friendship with Robin also impacted my kids  [21:11] Being hired to coach track and field in Bow  [25:11] Getting bigger track teams and visiting Molly's grave with them  [26:52] Meeting and supporting a runner who lost a parent  [29:08] Butting heads with the administration and parents while feeling unsupported [33:00] Getting a tattoo, showing it to my runners, and getting suspended  [39:19] Managing a charter school that failed [41:30] Beginning to understand where my behavior comes from  [49:36] Understanding that just because I lost a child doesn't mean people will be kinder [51:47] What the future holds   Resources from this episode:   Concord Monitor Article on being suspended   Connect with Barb:   Website   Facebook    Instagram   Be a guest on the podcast    YouTube   The Molly B Foundation  

The universe keeps sending me the same message: slow down, Barb! Doing six different things at once and expecting something to change is not working. So we're still here three years later contemplating self sabotage through old blog posts I've written.   Key Takeaways:   [1:35] Being indecisive, procrastinating, and a whole lot of anger [4:27] Tis the season for Spillin' The Tea [6:54] Only seeing the bad in life and 3 years later still surrounded by chaos  [11:04] Abuse makes it easy to not even notice when things are "off" [12:18] Blogs I wrote that have me reflecting [13:34] The blog: Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones… [14:53] The blog: Who Is Really in Control [28:54] The message is the same again and again: slow down! Resources:   Sticks and Stones Blog Who is Really in Control Blog Self Sabotage Blog Series Connect with Barb:   Website   Facebook    Instagram   Be a guest on the podcast    YouTube   The Molly B Foundation  

I really, really struggle with self sabotage in every aspect of my life. From relationships, to not following through on things, to recreating trauma. It is an endless battle. I am working to better myself by being introspective and examining why I constantly sabotage myself and what I can do to work on it.    Key Takeaways:   [1:35] Self sabotage and regret in my life  [4:09] Physical and emotional stress can make us stronger  [6:02] Self sabotaging in an effort to protect myself  [9:48] Sabotaging myself to create familiarity and safety  [11:05] Drinking to fit in [13:36] Not having a good diet, but exercising  [14:53] Teaching even though coaching lite me up  [17:17] Having this idea off what I'm supposed to be  [18:09] Sabotaging relationships, finding safety in people, and escaping [20:36] Not following through on things  [23:13] Hanging on to past relationships  [25:47] Reasons for sabotage  [27:38] I hate being wrongly accused  [29:24] Being in a state of denial and working to better myself  [30:41] Recreating trauma and the battle of the brain  [31:59] Contemplating why I live my life the way I do [35:37] Thinking about what needs to change in my life  [38:23] Checking up on past relationships  [42:11] Trying to better myself and my business  [44:50] Staying in Concord even though I complain about it  [47:21] The struggle with social media  Resources:   The Mountain is You The Body Keeps the Score POWER Book Connect with Barb:   Website   Facebook    Instagram   Be a guest on the podcast    YouTube   The Molly B Foundation  

Evelyn and Steven have been through the ringer after two of their siblings died as a product of addiction. They still contemplate how things could have been different and if they would have followed the same path Leslie was on. But through their grief, they tell a raw story riddled with dark humor    Key Takeaways:   [2:37] Getting close to Leslie after I got pregnant at 16 [6:18] My relationship with Leslie was weird, especially with the huge age gap  [7:16] The funeral and thinking maybe we could've prevented her death [10:44] Leslie was a good student and then it all suddenly took a turn her senior year [15:47] Screaming after finding out Leslie was dead  [18:32] Having to tell people she was dead and they wouldn't leave us alone [21:13] Finding out Sam was dead impacted us so much more [22:45] How Sam died from alcohol and mom having a seizure  [25:32] Being sexually abused by Leslie's friends and not being believed  [29:50] Hypervigilance is safety and the moment we found out Sam died  [38:14] Having familial support and checking in truly made a difference [40:19] Finding laughter in dark moments  [44:02] The difference between Leslie and Sam's personalities  [45:38] Seeing signs of Leslie and Sam throughout the universe  [48:53] The angst over their burial plots   [51:32] I'm never going to get closure, but I have to keep pushing through life  [54:28] Tomorrow is not promised so live your life authentically  [56:54] The things our siblings will never get to do Connect with Barb:   Website   Facebook    Instagram   Be a guest on the podcast    YouTube   The Molly B Foundation  

Danielle cared for Lexi for 7 years as she battled a brain tumor they knew she would die from. Balancing taking care of someone she loves with also grieving them and having her life spent going from appointment to appointment was a lot - and that's an understatement. She is now learning what to do in the "after" as in after a person dies.   Key Takeaways:   [2:41] Knowing something was wrong with Lexi and finding cancer [8:01] Finding out she would die and we didn't know when  [12:12] Spending so much time in the reality of death and not knowing what to do after [15:03] Lexi's mom is living a new life [18:03] Starting a blog for Lexi to keep everyone updated on her condition  [23:10] Wanting people to remember those who have died  [28:21] How Lexi's family managed to navigate this journey together  [31:05] Struggling in the early days of grief  [36:08] Grieving something you never had and going to a medium  [41:03] Let chronically ill people be their own person   [42:04] Let people help you in life  Connect with Barb:   Website   Facebook    Instagram   Be a guest on the podcast    YouTube   The Molly B Foundation  

Margaret is an author who lost a brother she never even knew. The news was a shock and she wanted to know all the details. But she didn't get all the details right away, it has been years of talking to others and research that helped show how the stories we carry throughout our lives impact our everyday choices.    Key Takeaways:   [2:41] I didn't know I had a sibling that died and I needed to know more [9:15] We didn't talk about his death, but it came out in my town anyway [14:01] My dad spilled all the details on what happened before he died  [17:13] I finally looked at the accident in the newspaper  [20:47] The secrecy of this story and wondering what might have been [23:39] Leaving town to escape the everything that surrounded his death [24:31] It was unsettling for people to know more about the story than me [26:56] Learning the identity of who killed my brother  [30:01] How we carry stories throughout our lives  [39:10] Losing a baby and the loss of never knowing them either  [41:01] Resources for people that lost a sibling  [44:05] I wouldn't write a book about the accident  [47:25] My next novel  Resources:   Camp Erin Margaret's Website Margaret's Instagram Connect with Barb:   Website   Facebook    Instagram   Be a guest on the podcast    YouTube   The Molly B Foundation  

Patrick is 20 years old and has written a book that is filled with so much wisdom. We got to chatting about the impact of phones on society, instant gratification, his process for writing his book, and his unique outlook on life. In this episode, Patrick talks about his journey to find happiness and what he's learned along the way.   Key Takeaways:   [1:23] Patrick's basketball career and switching universities [5:37] How I wrote my book [9:32] Being addicted to your phone and getting a flip phone  [15:35] Expecting instant gratification because of phones  [23:32] Relationship expectations have changed and not in a good way [28:17] Reading a page from Patrick's book about missing connection [29:53] The philosophers that have influenced the book  [31:53] Living in the moment and meditating [34:21] Going to Bali to learn what Patrick has already  [38:28] The framework from the book: the foundation of peace  [41:53] Maslow's hierarchy of needs  [43:41] Lived experienced versus book knowledge  [47:32] Gain wisdom from bad events  Resources:   The Happiness Continuum  Connect with Barb:   Website   Facebook    Instagram   Be a guest on the podcast    YouTube   The Molly B Foundation  

Matt, the host of The Life Shift, came on to talk about losing his mom, perfectionism, learning new ways to grieve, and how having a podcast has been so validating. He goes through his journey of grief over a lifetime and how for so long he did what society expected of him. Now he has a different view on life and tries to share it every week.    Key Takeaways:   [1:20] Losing my mom at age 8 and no one around me talking about their grief  [5:02] Being perfect out of fear and grieving the things you didn't get to do [8:41] I didn't have a safe place and lost all of the items I cared about  [11:49] I don't really remember my mom and all the moving I did as a child [14:05] Using my mom's death as a crutch and doing what I was "supposed to" in life [21:38] I feel like I've closed the door on grief with my mom [22:56] My grandma dying and having a conversation with her about our grief   [26:47] Having a living funeral and saying the things you want to while they're alive  [30:23] If my mom hadn't died, I wouldn't be this version of me  [32:26] My twenties was about doing what society expected of me  [33:21] In my thirties, I took a break, grieved on my terms, and did something scary [32:35] Hearing other people's struggles is validating  [41:56] The power of having control over someone else's story [46:02] Losing a pet is a grieving experience that shouldn't be invalidated  [52:49] We don't know what people are going through, meet them where they are Resources:   Matt's Podcast: The Life Shift Instagram YouTube Connect with Barb:   Website   Facebook    Instagram   Be a guest on the podcast    YouTube   The Molly B Foundation  

Gabby is the daughter of Tim who had a pig kidney put inside him, but he knows it's only a temporary fix. So it sent Gabby on a journey to initially be a possible candidate to donate her kidney, but it became so much more. It has become a journey of health - and what that means to her.    Key Takeaways:   [1:51] Gabby traveled all over the country and took care of animals  [4:33] Having a dad on dialysis needing a kidney but not being eligible due to BMI [9:39] Getting gastric bypass surgery, the pain, and the emotional hurdles  [16:03] Finding out my partner has kidney disease  [20:41] Discovering some of my weight is genetic  [27:13] The choice of possibly donating my kidney and the stress on my mom  [32:35] Believing in yourself even when it feels like everything is against you  Resources:   Tim's episode  Connect with Barb:   Website   Facebook    Instagram   Be a guest on the podcast    YouTube   The Molly B Foundation  

Highway to Hell… waitttt a minute, sorry, wrong place, although it can feel like that sometimes. In this episode, I am once again brought back to making other people comfortable in my grief. I may be at exit twenty in grief on a really good day, but the others? Well, it can feel like the highway to hell.    Key Takeaways:   [0:46] Bereaved Parents Month and my mixed thoughts on it  [3:01] The highway of grief, I'm at Exit God If I Know. [9:44] Making comments from our exit sounds terrible to others  [12:30] I never get to have these memories with Molly again  [17:36] Taking a step back and stepping into other people's shoes  [20:04] Seeing Molly's friends and thinking of who she would be  [21:43] Gracie never getting to do things with Molly again [23:16] Running, my birthday, moving my mom, and the tea that's piping hot [27:53] Leave a review as a birthday present to me Connect with Barb:   Website   Facebook    Instagram   Be a guest on the podcast    YouTube   The Molly B Foundation  

Tammy went on a journey to find her diagnosis: Primary Hyperparathyroidism. Countless doctors, tests, misdiagnoses, and so many pills it made her head spin. After all the turmoil, she found her diagnosis, got treatment, and is living a great life today running again.   Key Takeaways:   [2:01] Finding out I have high blood pressure again and again  [3:53] The beginning of taking medication after medication  [9:48] Low potassium, terrible migraines, and horrid edema [12:40] Doing a mind/body program for high blood pressure [18:56] Being diagnosed with colitis and ovarian abscess  [20:11] Being told I have a tumor on my adrenal gland and little syndrome [23:36] Getting the tumor removed: my life changed  [29:11] Writing a book on my experiences  [32:05] Entering a contest on a whim and winning!  [35:47] Don't stop advocating for your health Resources:   Misdiagnosed For Miles Millenium Running Club  Connect with Barb:   Website   Facebook    Instagram   Be a guest on the podcast    YouTube   The Molly B Foundation  

Eleanor joins me again to discuss our new relative: how we found her and the mix of emotions surrounding it. Excited, nervous, and a lot of feelings over the memory of our brother Jeffery. Finding out our deceased brother had a child who will never get to know him is another twist in our lives.    Key Takeaways:   [4:45] A woman reached out asking if we were related [7:46] Feeling intimidated, excited, selfish, and seeing my assumptions debunked  [9:26] Finding Jeffery's child felt so important because he's dead  [10:48] Protecting the memory of Jeffrey and the news [13:11] Finding out my dad wasn't my dad was traumatic [17:11] Niece's family support and what her life was like growing up  [18:12] The similarities between us and what we'll give her as a person [21:20] Jeffery's traumatic brain injury [23:51] Visiting Jeff in Happy Valley [25:29] It takes a village to welcome someone new  [28:36] Exploring new things and facing my fears  Resources:   Eleanor's past episode  NPE Podcast  Connect with Barb:   Website   Facebook    Instagram   Be a guest on the podcast    YouTube   The Molly B Foundation