Sex in Real Life with Stacey Herrera

Why isn't setting sexual intentions a thing? You set goals for your career, health, finances, relationships. But your sex life? That's supposed to just... happen naturally? That's bullshit. Everything that matters requires intention. That includes your sex life. In this episode, Stacey walks you through how to set sexual intentions that actually mean something —not vague wishes, but real, specific intentions you can act on. In this episode: Why setting sexual intentions is a great idea Questions you should ask yourself Knowing what you control vs. what needs partner buy-in Pitfalls and ways you could f*ck it up Download the worksheet. Willing to share? Pop over to Substack. And share one of your intentions. Because when you say it out loud, even to strangers on the internet, it becomes more real.     💌 Subscribe to the Sex IRL Substack: https://www.sexinreallife.com/ 📖 How Do I Tell Them I Have Herpes? A guide to having "the talk" without losing your cool (or your dignity). https://staceyherrera.com/herpesbook 📖 How to Give Amazing Head: 10 Easy Tips to Blow His Mind https://staceyherrera.com/how-to-give-amazing-head/  

This is the final episode in our 6-part series on erectile dysfunction.  Over the past five weeks, we've talked about the weight, the mechanics, the conversations, what partners experience, and sex beyond erections. But we haven't talked about… wanting. One casualty of ED is desire. You stop letting yourself want. No fantasizing or anticipation. No imagining or longing. You disconnect from this part of yourself because wanting something you don't think you can have feels too painful. But when you disconnect from desire to protect yourself from disappointment, you don't just lose sex. You lose something essential —aliveness. In this episode, Stacey explores how to let yourself want again. In this episode: How shutting down sexual desire bleeds all over your life The difference between arousal and desire Gifting yourself permission to want  Desire in its most valid form is to "own the wanting." You don't need a body that works like it used to. You just need to let yourself feel again.       💌 Subscribe to the Sex IRL Substack: https://www.sexinreallife.com/ 📖 How Do I Tell Them I Have Herpes? A guide to having "the talk" without losing your cool (or your dignity). https://staceyherrera.com/herpesbook 📖 How to Give Amazing Head: 10 Easy Tips to Blow His Mind https://staceyherrera.com/how-to-give-amazing-head/

Most of us learned that sex = penetration. Everything else? Foreplay. Warmup. Extra. But that model is outdated, limiting, and honestly? It's been sidelining everyone's pleasure for way too long. But you should know that a soft penis is a functional penis. Soft penises can give pleasure and receive pleasure. And when you decentralize erections, a world of pleasure opens up. In this episode, Stacey gets explicit about what sex can look like when penetration isn't on the menu—not as a consolation prize, but as genuinely satisfying, delicious sex. In this episode: Why de-centering erections improves pleasure for all Shifting from goal-oriented to pleasure-oriented sex Delicious examples of what sex can look like with or without an erection This isn't settling. It's expansion. Next week: Part 6, the last episode in this series. Reclaiming desire and starting anew.     💌 Subscribe to the Sex IRL Substack: https://www.sexinreallife.com/ 📖 How Do I Tell Them I Have Herpes? A guide to having "the talk" without losing your cool (or your dignity). https://staceyherrera.com/herpesbook 📖 How to Give Amazing Head: 10 Easy Tips to Blow His Mind https://staceyherrera.com/how-to-give-amazing-head/  

This is Part 4 of a 6-part series on erectile dysfunction. This week: the partner experience. When ED happens, all the attention goes to the person experiencing it. Pills, supplements, clinics—there's an entire industry ready to help. But if you're the partner? There's nothing. No marketing. No acknowledgment. Just an expectation to be supportive and not make it worse. Partners suffer too. And they're Googling in secret, trying to find answers to questions they don't know how to ask out loud. In this episode, Stacey digs into what partners are actually searching for, what they're feeling, and what they can do. If you're experiencing ED, this episode is for you, too, because understanding what your partner is going through changes everything. In this episode: The top 4 things partners Google about ED Why partners feel invisible when ED happens Questions to ask yourself if you're considering divorce What to actually say and do when ED is weighing your relationship down Next week: Part 5. Sex beyond erections. It's going to be explicit.     💌 Subscribe to the Sex IRL Substack: https://www.sexinreallife.com/ 📖 How Do I Tell Them I Have Herpes? A guide to having "the talk" without losing your cool (or your dignity). https://staceyherrera.com/herpesbook 📖 How to Give Amazing Head: 10 Easy Tips to Blow His Mind https://staceyherrera.com/how-to-give-amazing-head/  

This is Part 3 of a 6-part series on erectile dysfunction. This week: the conversation. Less than 60% of men experiencing ED talk about it with their partners. That means more than half are keeping it to themselves—and silence creates distance. In this episode, Stacey shares two contrasting stories: one where pretending ruined the experience, and one where honesty created intimacy from the start. Then she breaks down how to actually have the conversation. In this episode: When and where to talk about ED (hint: not right after it happens) What to say and what not to say Expanding your definition of sex Talking about it won't fix the ED, but it takes the pressure off. But once you name it, you liberate yourself. Next week: Part 4. The partner experience and the questions they're secretly Googling.   Resources + References: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12152114/     💌 Subscribe to the Sex IRL Substack: https://www.sexinreallife.com/ 📖 How Do I Tell Them I Have Herpes? A guide to having "the talk" without losing your cool (or your dignity). https://staceyherrera.com/herpesbook 📖 How to Give Amazing Head: 10 Easy Tips to Blow His Mind https://staceyherrera.com/how-to-give-amazing-head/

This is Part 2 of a 6-part series on erectile dysfunction. This week, we're exploring the mechanics of erection. Many penis owners do not know how their body works below the belt. Not because they're uninformed, but because nobody ever taught them. So when erection challenges arise with no obvious explanation, it's easy to assume you're just broken. In this episode, Stacey breaks down how erections work and what interferes with the process—psychological, physical, and everything in between. In this episode: The physiology of erections (and why it's not as simple as it seems) The connection between psychological and physical ED What can interfere: cardiovascular issues, medications, nervous system, pelvic floor, and conditioning Understanding the mechanics isn't a fix, but it gives context. Because it's easier to work with things you understand. Next week: Part 3. How to talk about ED with your partner. Resources + References: https://youtu.be/52vH6gDUVI8?si=4sXtUCB5O9PrjC9R https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/body/22000-pudendal-nerve https://www.webmd.com/men/what-is-corpora-cavernosa https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/medicine-and-dentistry/tunica-albuginea     💌 Subscribe to the Sex IRL Substack: https://www.sexinreallife.com/ 📖 How Do I Tell Them I Have Herpes? A guide to having "the talk" without losing your cool (or your dignity). https://staceyherrera.com/herpesbook 📖 How to Give Amazing Head: 10 Easy Tips to Blow His Mind https://staceyherrera.com/how-to-give-amazing-head/

This is Part 1 of a 6-part series on erectile dysfunction. Not the mechanics or the fixes —we'll get to that later. This episode is about the part nobody talks about… the emotional weight. In this episode, Stacey explores what it feels like to live in a body that's changed. The heartbreak and the inconvenience. The way masculinity gets hitched to erections.  In this episode: The pressure to maintain an erection 3 ED archetypes: pretenders, withdrawals, and searchers Why ED feels lonely despite billions of targeted ads How shame keeps men from speaking up   Resources + References: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5503428/  https://academic.oup.com/jsm/article-abstract/21/4/296/7614307     💌 Subscribe to the Sex IRL Substack: https://www.sexinreallife.com/ 📖 How Do I Tell Them I Have Herpes? A guide to having "the talk" without losing your cool (or your dignity). https://staceyherrera.com/herpesbook 📖 How to Give Amazing Head: 10 Easy Tips to Blow His Mind https://staceyherrera.com/how-to-give-amazing-head/  

In this episode, Stacey explores the rejection stories we tell ourselves and how they affect our sex lives.  She shares a story about a boundary violation that turned cruel and breaks down why we make every 'no' about our worth. How do we separate someone's no from our self-worth? And how fear of rejection gets in the way of leaning in.     💌 Subscribe to the Sex IRL Substack: https://www.sexinreallife.com/ 📖 How Do I Tell Them I Have Herpes? A guide to having "the talk" without losing your cool (or your dignity). https://staceyherrera.com/herpesbook 📖 How to Give Amazing Head: 10 Easy Tips to Blow His Mind https://staceyherrera.com/how-to-give-amazing-head/

You want to protect your kids from the pain. But you also don't want to lie to them. So do you tell them about the affair? Whether you stayed together or split, whether your kids are minors or adults, this question comes up.  There is no one right answer. In this episode of Sex IRL, Stacey explores the complexity and nuance of deciding whether to tell your kids about infidelity.  Find out how to think it through. In this episode: The tension between protection and honesty—both instincts make sense Privacy vs. secrecy: one protects, the other hides what affects everyone Where your kids are at: their age, capacity, and whether they can (or want to) hold this truth Why this decision shouldn't be made alone if the relationship survived This one's messy. There are layers. But that's what makes it worth talking about.       📸 Follow Stacey on Instagram & TikTok for insight, truth, and grown woman reflections 💌 Subscribe to the Sex IRL Substack: https://www.sexinreallife.com/ 📖 How Do I Tell Them I Have Herpes? A guide to having "the talk" without losing your cool (or your dignity). https://staceyherrera.com/herpesbook 📖 How to Give Amazing Head: 10 Easy Tips to Blow His Mind https://staceyherrera.com/how-to-give-amazing-head/

Last week, we discussed the penis owners' scorecard. This week, we're talking about vulva owners who perform pleasure. Moans that are a little too extra. Making that "feel good" face to make them feel good. And putting on a show, even when the sex is mediocre at best. Sounds like generosity, but smells like performance. In this episode, Stacey explores: Why managing someone else's feelings is actually manipulation How faking it cheats your partner out of a chance to get better (sex is a skill, not instinct) The hidden cost: they think they know you, but they don't—they only know the role you're playing What happens when nobody gets to see what's actually real for you   This one's for vulva owners and anyone carrying feminine energy. But if you've ever performed to keep the peace? It's for you too.       📸 Follow Stacey on Instagram & TikTok for insight, truth, and grown woman reflections 💌 Subscribe to the Sex IRL Substack: https://www.sexinreallife.com/ 📖 How Do I Tell Them I Have Herpes? A guide to having "the talk" without losing your cool (or your dignity). https://staceyherrera.com/herpesbook 📖 How to Give Amazing Head: 10 Easy Tips to Blow His Mind https://staceyherrera.com/how-to-give-amazing-head/

If we had a nickel for every time someone with a penis said, "My partner's pleasure is the most important thing to me," we'd all be rich. Sounds noble. But most of the time, they mean: "I need them to get off so I can feel like I'm good in bed." In this episode of Sex IRL, Stacey breaks down the difference between generosity as performance vs. presence. Making your partner's orgasm is your scorecard effs up the experience. In this episode: Why "Did you come?" is often about anxiety, not attention How ego-driven performance kills presence (and pleasure) The difference between "I need you to feel good" and "I want to be with you while you feel whatever you feel" What happens when both people are managing feelings instead of actually feeling This one's direct. And yes, we're mostly talking about people with penises. But it's really about anyone who's turned sex into a performance to avoid feeling like a bad lay.       📸 Follow Stacey on Instagram & TikTok for insight, truth, and grown woman reflections 💌 Subscribe to the Sex IRL Substack: https://www.sexinreallife.com/ 📖 How Do I Tell Them I Have Herpes? A guide to having "the talk" without losing your cool (or your dignity). https://staceyherrera.com/herpesbook 📖 How to Give Amazing Head: 10 Easy Tips to Blow His Mind https://staceyherrera.com/how-to-give-amazing-head/

She's the one who remembers birthdays and keeps the group text alive. He's the guy who handles the money and fixes what's broken.  They look like opposite types, but they suffer the same affliction: performance instead of presence. In this episode of Sex IRL, Stacey digs into how the roles we play (think: the selfless woman or the endlessly capable man) keep us hidden.  These archetypes don't just show up in our daily lives. They follow us into the bedroom. And when your personality becomes a performance, intimacy flatlines. In this conversation, we explore: How high-functioning roles kill real intimacy Why performing desire (or satisfaction) makes things worse What it actually takes to feel seen, known, and wanted One question that could shift everything Next week: Are you really serving your partner's pleasure? Or just your ego? It's gonna be spicy.         📸 Follow Stacey on Instagram & TikTok for insight, truth, and grown woman reflections 💌 Subscribe to the Sex IRL Substack: https://www.sexinreallife.com/ 📖 How Do I Tell Them I Have Herpes? A guide to having "the talk" without losing your cool (or your dignity). https://staceyherrera.com/herpesbook 📖 How to Give Amazing Head: 10 Easy Tips to Blow His Mind  

A lot shifts after 40. Your tolerance for pretending disappears. That bottomless energy you used to have? Poof… gone. Suddenly, you're saying no to things that used to be an automatic yes (including sex). It's not selfishness. It's honesty. In this episode of Sex IRL, Stacey explores how to step into main character energy without shutting people out or burning everything down to the studs. Because showing up as your whole self gives intimacy a fighting chance. In this episode: Why fakeness feels intolerable after 40 How to say no to what you don't want while leaning into what you do Why "what's genuinely best for me is ultimately best for us" The magnetic pull of authenticity       📸 Follow Stacey on Instagram & TikTok for insight, truth, and grown woman reflections 💌 Subscribe to the Sex IRL Substack: https://www.sexinreallife.com/ 📖 How Do I Tell Them I Have Herpes? A guide to having "the talk" without losing your cool (or your dignity). https://staceyherrera.com/herpesbook 📖 How to Give Amazing Head: 10 Easy Tips to Blow His Mind  

This is the inaugural episode of Sex IRL, a brand-new podcast from Stacey Herrera. If you've been listening to Love Is…, you'll notice the shift. Stacey explains why she's pivoting toward the topic she circles back to most: sex. But this isn't a show about techniques or tips—you can Google that.  Sex IRL is about the messy, funny, deeply human ways we reach for each other, and all the fears, silences, and cracked knees that come with it.  In this short intro, Stacey shares why sex is the entry point to bigger conversations about intimacy, connection, and what gets in the way.         📸 Follow Stacey on Instagram & TikTok for insight, truth, and grown woman reflections 💌 Subscribe to the Sex IRL Substack: https://www.sexinreallife.com/ 📖 How Do I Tell Them I Have Herpes? A guide to having "the talk" without losing your cool (or your dignity). https://staceyherrera.com/herpesbook

Attraction isn't static. Even in the healthiest relationships, it ebbs and flows. But what do you do when the spark is flickering and everything your partner does gets on your last nerve? This is the first episode of the Grown Ass Woman Summer series. And Stacey is digging into a question that midlife women often ask: "What if I'm turned off by my partner?" In this conversation, Stacey gets real about what it means to feel disconnected from someone you still love. (Psst… it's not always about sex.) She explores how irritability can mask deeper emotions and what to ask yourself when you're unsure if you're in a funk or getting lost. In this episode: What shifting attraction says about connection How resentment can sneak in and snuff out empathy 3 powerful check-in questions to help you reflect and recalibrate.         ✨ Got a topic, idea, or question? Drop a note in the Suggestion Box https://staceyherrera.com/suggestion-box 📸 Follow Stacey on Instagram & TikTok for insight, truth, and grown woman reflections 💌 Subscribe to the Midlife & Then Some Substack https://staceyherrera.substack.com/ 📖 How Do I Tell Them I Have Herpes? A guide to having "the talk" without losing your cool (or your dignity). https://staceyherrera.com/herpesbook ⭐️ Love the Show? Leave a 5-Star Review. Your words help other midlife women find us. https://staceyherrera.com/love-is-review  

There is a lot of talk about feeling emotionally safe. But sometimes what we're calling unsafe is just new, unfamiliar, and uncomfortable. In this episode, Stacey explores the difference between actual harm and healthy discomfort. And why growth rarely happens when we feel at ease. She unpacks what emotional safety really means, how it's often used as a shield, and why some of the most powerful transformations happen when we feel unsure. If you've ever said, "I'm not ready" or "I don't feel safe," this one is for you. In this episode:  The difference between actual harm and healthy discomfort.   Why evolution doesn't happen in your comfort zone.  How waiting to feel safe might keep you stuck.  The #1 question to ask yourself when fear knocks To commemorate the 40th episode, get Stacey's flagship communication course, ar·tic·u·late for $29 (normally $99).  ar·tic·u·late is designed to help you speak clearly, listen generously, and handle hard conversations with ease.  Save $70 bucks when you use code FORTY at checkout: staceyherrera.com/articulate     ✨ Got a topic, idea, or question? Drop a note in the Suggestion Box https://staceyherrera.com/suggestion-box 📸 Follow Stacey on Instagram & TikTok for insight, truth, and grown woman reflections 💌 Subscribe to the Midlife & Then Some Substack https://staceyherrera.substack.com/ 📖 How Do I Tell Them I Have Herpes? A guide to having "the talk" without losing your cool (or your dignity). https://staceyherrera.com/herpesbook ⭐️ Love the Show? Leave a 5-Star Review. Your words help other midlife women find us. https://staceyherrera.com/love-is-review  

How do they treat you when they're upset? In this episode, Stacey explores the nuance of conflict in relationships. Whether it's weaponized silence, bringing up things shared in confidence, or claiming they "didn't mean it" after saying something hurtful, how someone shows up during conflict speaks volumes. You'll learn the difference between healthy space and emotional punishment. And why the way someone handles disagreements can (and sometimes should) be a deal breaker. If you've ever walked away from a disagreement feeling like small and unsure if love is supposed to gut you, this is for you. Stacey is serving up real-life reflections and clear standards for what respectful conflict can and should look like. In this episode: 3 conflict red flags most people ignore The emotional toll of stonewalling and disappearing acts Why "I didn't mean it" doesn't undo the impact How to set boundaries before the next blow-up When conflict becomes cruelty—and how to respond "There's a difference between taking time to self-regulate and withholding connection as a form of punishment." —Stacey Herrera     ✨ Got a topic, idea, or question? Drop a note in the Suggestion Box https://staceyherrera.com/suggestion-box 📸 Follow Stacey on Instagram & TikTok for insight, truth, and grown woman reflections 💌 Subscribe to the Midlife & Then Some Substack https://staceyherrera.substack.com/ 📖 How Do I Tell Them I Have Herpes? A guide to having "the talk" without losing your cool (or your dignity). https://staceyherrera.com/herpesbook ⭐️ Love the Show? Leave a 5-Star Review. Your words help other midlife women find us. https://staceyherrera.com/love-is-review  

If you're the one they check on after the fact, the person who gets the update but not the invitation, or the partner expected to adjust without being asked, this conversation is for you. This week on the pod, Stacey unpacks what it feels like to be an afterthought, how that pattern often mirrors the way we treat ourselves, and why clarity doesn't always guarantee change. Whether you speak up or stay silent, the result can feel the same—and it's exhausting. You'll hear why being overlooked isn't always about other people missing the mark. Sometimes, it starts with the way we shrink, delay, or deprioritize our own needs. Whether this shows up in romance, with family, friends, or at work, this is an invitation to center yourself with intention. In this episode: • What it feels like to be remembered last • Why speaking up doesn't always lead to being seen • How familiar pain can feel easier than honest risk • The role grief plays in self-loyalty • What it looks like to shift from default to deliberate     ✨ Got a topic, idea, or question? Drop a note in the Suggestion Box https://staceyherrera.com/suggestion-box 📸 Follow Stacey on Instagram & TikTok for insight, truth, and grown woman reflections 💌 Subscribe to the Midlife & Then Some Substack https://staceyherrera.substack.com/ 📖 How Do I Tell Them I Have Herpes? A guide to having "the talk" without losing your cool (or your dignity). https://staceyherrera.com/herpesbook ⭐️ Love the Show? Leave a 5-Star Review. Your words help other midlife women find us. https://staceyherrera.com/love-is-review

It might look like love. Might even feel like love. But what if it's not? In this episode, we're exploring the difference between love and attachment. Knowing the difference might save years of confusion, resentment, and chasing someone's potential. Stacey is walking you through what love is (without the fairytale framing), how attachment shows up in your nervous system and choices, and why the two get so tangled in midlife relationships. If you've ever been in a situation that made you question yourself, held on longer than you wanted to, or built a future with someone who wasn't fully present, this conversation may give you language and clarity for what you've been feeling. You'll learn: What real love looks like How attachment hides in chemistry and caretaking The waiting-for-them-to-change trap Why long-term relationships aren't always mutual How to stop confusing connection with compatibility This episode is a roadmap for recognizing the kind of connection that can hold your wholeness.       ✨ Got a topic, idea, or question? Submit ideas for upcoming episodes in the Suggestion Box https://staceyherrera.com/suggestion-box 📸 Follow Stacey on Instagram & TikTok for insight, truth, and grown woman reflections 💌 Subscribe to the Midlife & Then Some Substack https://staceyherrera.substack.com/ 📖 Read Stacey's Book: How Do I Tell Them I Have Herpes? A guide to having "the talk" without losing your cool (or your dignity). https://staceyherrera.com/herpesbook ⭐️ Love the Show? Leave a 5-Star Review Your words help other midlife women find us. https://staceyherrera.com/love-is-review

If you're the one who remembers the birthdays, plans the date nights, manages the group chats, and loads the dishwasher (because no one else seems to notice it's full), this episode is for you. In today's conversation, Stacey opens up about what happened when she finally stopped doing it all and what she learned about herself, her nervous system, and the stories that keep so many women in midlife over-functioning in their relationships. If you've ever thought, "If I don't do it, it won't get done," this one will hit home. You'll hear why it feels so hard to step back (even when you're exhausted) and how to make small but powerful changes that allow space for support, help, and actual partnership.  Whether you're in a relationship or just realizing how often you take the lead in your life, this episode offers honest reflections and practical tools for letting go of the mental load. In this episode, you'll hear: The hidden belief that keeps women stuck in the "go-to" role Three doable ways to shift the dynamic and stop doing it all Why letting people show up for you is vulnerable and necessary What really happens when you stop filling every gap yourself Overfunctioning in relationships leads to burnout.  You deserve rest, support, and space.       ✨ Got a topic, idea, or question? Submit ideas for upcoming episodes in the Suggestion Box https://staceyherrera.com/suggestion-box 📸 Follow Stacey on Instagram & TikTok for insight, truth, and grown woman reflections 💌 Subscribe to the Midlife & Then Some Substack https://staceyherrera.substack.com/ 📖 Read Stacey's Book: How Do I Tell Them I Have Herpes? A guide to having "the talk" without losing your cool (or your dignity). https://staceyherrera.com/herpesbook ⭐️ Love the Show? Leave a 5-Star Review Your words help other midlife women find us. https://staceyherrera.com/love-is-review