Joy Lab | strengthen your mental health with the science of joy

Self-compassion isn't easy... most of us are harder on ourselves than we are on anyone else. On top of that, we often don't even realize how self-critical, self-judgmental, or harsh we are. In this episode, we'll get into what self-compassion actually is, how it can help us, and why the myth that self-criticism is motivating can actually harm our mental health.    Ready to take action? Learn more about Experiments here.    Related Episodes: Start of this series: Our New Element of Self-Compassion: What It Is, Why It Matters, & What's Coming [ep. 294]   About: The Joy Lab Podcast is an Ambie-nominated podcast that blends science and soul to help you cope better with stress, anxiety, and depression. It's hosted by integrative psychiatrist Dr. Henry Emmons and holistic mental health researcher Dr. Aimee Prasek.   Bonus: spread some joy and keep this podcast ad-free by donating. Joy Lab is powered by the nonprofit Pathways North.   Questions this episode was made for: Q: What is self-compassion, and how is it different from self-esteem or self-acceptance? A: This episode uses Dr. Kristin Neff's definition: being supportive toward yourself when experiencing suffering or pain, whether from personal mistakes or external challenges. We also like to think of self-compassion as being a friend to yourself. Self-compassion also builds on concepts like self-acceptance and enoughness (we have lots of episodes on those concepts too).   Q: Isn't being hard on yourself what keeps you motivated? Won't self-compassion just make me lazy? A: Self-criticism can trigger a short-term stress response that gets you to take a quick action, but behavior change is an endurance game, and stress is not good endurance fuel. More impactful drivers of sustainable change are anchored in self-worth, self-efficacy, self-awareness, and self-compassion. That's why we focus on these kinds of strength-building Elements at Joy Lab.   Key moments: [00:00] Welcome to the Self-Compassion Element  [02:00] ~80% of people are harder on themselves than others [04:00] Dr. Kristin Neff's definition of self-compassion [06:00] Self-compassion as friendship  [08:00] What self-compassion does in the body and brain [10:00] Self-criticism is not sustainable fuel for behavior change [14:00] Stress as addiction [18:00] Neff's three components preview — mindfulness, self-kindness, common humanity [19:00] Closing wisdom from Dr. Christopher Germer: "A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life."    Sources and Notes for Our Element of Self-Compassion:  Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133–1143. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167212445599  Curran, T., & Hill, A. P. (2019). Perfectionism is increasing over time: A meta-analysis of birth cohort differences from 1989 to 2016. Psychological Bulletin, 145(4), 410–429. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000138  Curran, T., Hill, A. P., & Pose, P. M. (2026). Perfectionism is accelerating over time: A cross-temporal meta-analytic review of 35 years of college student data. Psychological Bulletin, 152(3), 255–287. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000518  Germer, C. K. (2009). The mindful path to self-compassion: Freeing yourself from destructive thoughts and emotions. Guilford Press. Gilbert, P. (2009). The compassionate mind: A new approach to life's challenges. Constable & Robinson. Gilbert, P. (2014). The origins and nature of compassion focused therapy. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 53(1), 6–41. https://doi.org/10.1111/bjc.12043  Loftus, E. F., & Pickrell, J. E. (1995). The Formation of False Memories. Psychiatric Annals, 25(12), 720–725. https://doi.org/10.3928/0048-5713-19951201-07   Neff, K. (2023). Self-compassion: Theory, method, research, and intervention. Annual Review of Psychology, 74, 193–218. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-032420-031047 Neff, K. (2021). Fierce self-compassion: How women can harness kindness to speak up, claim their power, and thrive. Harper Wave. Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow. Sirois, F. M. (2014). Procrastination and stress: Exploring the role of self-compassion. Self and Identity, 13(2), 128–145. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298868.2013.763404  Stevenson, B. (2014). Just mercy: A story of justice and redemption. Spiegel & Grau. Tangney, J. P., & Dearing, R. L. (2002). Shame and guilt. Guilford Press. Tangney, J. P., Stuewig, J., & Mashek, D. J. (2007). Moral emotions and moral behavior. Annual Review of Psychology, 58, 345–372. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.56.091103.070145  Wade, K. A., Garry, M., Read, J. D., & Lindsay, D. S. (2002). A picture is worth a thousand lies: Using false photographs to create false childhood memories. Psychonomic Bulletin & Review, 9(3), 597–603. https://doi.org/10.3758/BF03196318  Woods, H., & Proeve, M. (2014). Relationships of mindfulness, self-compassion, and meditation experience with shame-proneness. Journal of Cognitive Psychotherapy, 28(1), 20–33. https://doi.org/10.1891/0889-8391.28.1.20    If you enjoyed this episode, please rate and review us wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts!    Please remember that this content is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to provide medical advice and is not a replacement for advice and treatment from a medical professional. Please consult your doctor or other qualified health professional before beginning any diet change, supplement, or lifestyle program. Please see our terms for more information. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call the NAMI HelpLine: 1-800-950-6264 available Monday through Friday, 10 a.m. – 10 p.m., ET. OR text "HelpLine" to 62640 or email NAMI at [email protected]. Visit NAMI for more. You can also call or text SAMHSA at 988 or chat 988lifeline.org. Find more mental health resources here.

Self-compassion is one of our most powerful tools to support mental health. The problem is that a lot of us are real jerks to ourselves... and most of the time, we don't even notice we're doing it. Over the next four episodes, we'll talk about the power of self-compassion, bust the myth that being hard on yourself is what keeps you motivated, explore how to reduce the suffering we pile on top of life's hard stuff, and dig into the common humanity of suffering. Before we dive in to all that next episode, please consider supporting this important work. Rate and review the pod wherever you're listening, share Joy Lab with a friend, and join us for our Experiments.  Ready to take action? Learn more about Experiments here.  About: The Joy Lab Podcast is a Signal Gold Award winner and an Ambie-nominated podcast that blends science and soul to help you build your mental health strengths. It's hosted by integrative psychiatrist Dr. Henry Emmons and holistic mental health researcher Dr. Aimee Prasek.   Bonus: spread some joy and keep this podcast ad-free by donating. Joy Lab is powered by the nonprofit Pathways North.   Full transcript here   Key moments: [00:00] New Element: Self-Compassion [02:00] Why Joy Lab stays ad-free and how community support keeps it going [04:00] What's ahead in the Self-Compassion Series    If you enjoyed this episode, please rate and review us wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts!    Please remember that this content is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to provide medical advice and is not a replacement for advice and treatment from a medical professional. Please consult your doctor or other qualified health professional before beginning any diet change, supplement, or lifestyle program. Please see our terms for more information. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call the NAMI HelpLine: 1-800-950-6264 available Monday through Friday, 10 a.m. – 10 p.m., ET. OR text "HelpLine" to 62640 or email NAMI at [email protected]. Visit NAMI for more. You can also call or text SAMHSA at 988 or chat 988lifeline.org. Find more mental health resources here. 

We're wired to seek control, but that drive often misfires, leaving us more anxious and exhausted than before. In this episode, we dig into the illusion of control and the much more useful concept of identifying things like agency and autonomy. We'll dive into the obstacles and key strategies to redirect energy away from what we can't control and toward what's actually ours to do. Head to the Experiment to practice this shift — and find a little more of what Thich Nhat Hanh calls the only condition for happiness: freedom.   Ready to take action? Learn more about Experiments here.    Related Episodes: This series: E289- What Are You Holding On To? The Science & Skill of Letting Go E290- Letting Go of Intrusive Thoughts & Rumination: The Pink Elephant Paradox, The Whac-A-Mole Problem, & Skills That Actually Help E291- Letting Go of the Stories You Tell Yourself: Is It True? Is It Helpful? Is It Kind? E292- Letting Go of the Need for Closure: Why Life's Biggest Problems Can Only Be Outgrown   About: The Joy Lab Podcast is an Ambie-nominated podcast that blends science and soul to help you cope better with stress, anxiety, and depression. It's hosted by integrative psychiatrist Dr. Henry Emmons and holistic mental health researcher Dr. Aimee Prasek.   Bonus: spread some joy and keep this podcast ad-free by donating. Joy Lab is powered by the nonprofit Pathways North.   Questions this episode was made for: Q: Why do I feel such a strong need to control everything, even when I know I can't? A: This episode explains the brain science behind it: our brains are prediction machines wired to seek control as a survival strategy, and that drive can misfire in modern life. There are a lot of low-level stressors we face on a daily basis. If we are trying to "fix" them all, we can get stuck in a cycle that can turn into anxiety, rigidity, and exhaustion.   Q: How do I let go of control without feeling helpless or irresponsible? A: This episode draws a key distinction between control (an illusion) and agency (real influence over your own actions, choices, and responses). We can work to identify the situation more accurately and then ask "what's mine to do?" or "what depends on me?" These questions can determine where to put your energy and where you can loosen your grip.   Full transcript   Key moments: [00:00] Welcome — letting go of control [02:00] The illusion of control [06:00] Why we're wired for control & how it can backfire into things like anxiety, rigidity [08:00] Agency vs. control [10:00] Practicing letting go with the small stuff [12:00] The control spectrum [16:00] What's within our power vs. what isn't. "What is dependent on me?" Epictetus, Stephen Covey [20:00] Control is an illusion; autonomy is real. "What's mine to do?" [22:00] Loosening the grip of control frees us from unfair burdens    Sources and Notes for Our Element of Letting Go: Alloy & Abramson. (1979). Judgment of contingency in depressed and nondepressed students: Sadder but wiser? 10.1037//0096-3445.108.4.441 Botvinick & Cohen. (1998). Rubber hands "feel" touch that eyes see. doi.org/10.1038/35784 Clark & Radomsky (2014). Introduction: A global perspective on unwanted intrusive thoughts. 10.1016/j.jocrd.2014.02.001 Damasio, A. R. (1994). Descartes' error: Emotion, reason, and the human brain. G. P. Putnam's Sons. de Mello, A. (1990). Awareness. Doubleday. Epictetus. (2014). Discourses, fragments, handbook (R. Hard, Trans.). Oxford University Press. Feldman, et al. (2023). Interoceptive ability moderates the effect of physiological reactivity on social judgment. 10.1037/emo0001210 Freud, S. (1957). Mourning and melancholia. In J. Strachey (Ed. & Trans.), The standard edition of the complete psychological works of Sigmund Freud (Vol. 14, pp. 243–258). Hogarth Press. (Original work published 1917) Gottlieb, L. (2019). Maybe you should talk to someone: A therapist, her therapist, and our lives revealed. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. Jung, C. G. (1962). Commentary. In R. Wilhelm (Trans.), The secret of the golden flower: A Chinese book of life (C. F. Baynes, Trans.; Rev. ed.). Harcourt, Brace & World. (Original work published 1929) Klass, D., Silverman, P. R., & Nickman, S. L. (Eds.). (1996). Continuing bonds: New understandings of grief. Taylor & Francis. Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying. Macmillan. Langer, E. J. (1975). The illusion of control. doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.32.2.311 Langer, E. J. (2009). Counterclockwise. Ballantine Books. Luo, M. (2004, February 27). For exercise in New York futility, push button. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2004/02/27/nyregion/for-exercise-in-new-york-futility-push-button.html MacCormack & Lindquis (2019). Feeling hangry? When hunger is conceptualized as emotion. 10.1037/emo0000422 Mauss, et al. (2011). Can seeking happiness make people unhappy? Paradoxical effects of valuing happiness. doi.org/10.1037/a0022010 Morewedge, et al. (2010). Consuming experience: Why affective forecasters overestimate comparative value. 10.1016/j.jesp.2010.07.010  Moulding, et al. (2014). Part 2. They scare because we care: The relationship between obsessive intrusive thoughts and appraisals and control strategies across 15 cities. 10.1016/j.jocrd.2014.02.006 Nhat Hanh, T. (1998). Fragrant palm leaves: Journals, 1962–1966. Parallax Press. Palmer, P. J. (2016, April 27). The gift of presence, the perils of advice. The On Being Project. https://onbeing.org/blog/the-gift-of-presence-the-perils-of-advice/ Paumgarten, N. (2008, April 21). Up and then down: The lives of elevators. The New Yorker. https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2008/04/21/up-and-then-down Rachman, S. (1981). Part I. Unwanted intrusive cognitions. 10.1016/0146-6402(81)90007-2 Radomsky, et al. (2014). Part 1—You can run but you can't hide: Intrusive thoughts on six continents. Journal of Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders, 3(3), 269–279. 10.1016/j.jocrd.2013.09.002 Siegel, et al. (2018). Seeing what you feel: Affect drives visual perception of structurally neutral faces. 10.1177/0956797617741718 Singer, M. A. (2007). The untethered soul: The journey beyond yourself. New Harbinger Publications. Quoidbach, J., Gilbert, D. T., & Wilson, T. D. (2013). The end of history illusion. 10.1126/science.1229294 Wegner, et al. (1987). Paradoxical effects of thought suppression. 10.1037/0022-3514.53.1.5 Wilson & Gilbert. 2005). Affective forecasting: Knowing what to want. 10.1111/j.0963-7214.2005.00355.x   If you enjoyed this episode, please rate and review us wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts!    Please remember that this content is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to provide medical advice and is not a replacement for advice and treatment from a medical professional. Please consult your doctor or other qualified health professional before beginning any diet change, supplement, or lifestyle program. Please see our terms for more information. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call the NAMI HelpLine: 1-800-950-6264 available Monday through Friday, 10 a.m. – 10 p.m., ET. OR text "HelpLine" to 62640 or email NAMI at [email protected]. Visit NAMI for more. You can also call or text SAMHSA at 988 or chat 988lifeline.org. Find more mental health resources here. 

Closure often feels like it should be the goal when we're dealing with grief or going through a tough time. But what if closure is actually a myth and the pressure to "get over it," "fix it," or emerge as a better version of ourselves is doing more harm than good? In this episode, we dig into the myth of closure: the mistaken belief that complex losses and life problems should be processed into some kind of clean, final resolution. We explore why closure is appealing but often not possible, what Carl Jung and Pauline Boss say about insoluble problems and ambiguous loss, and what it actually means to find healing and growth without closure.   Ready to take action? Learn more about Experiments here.    Related Episodes: Start of our Grief Series. ep. 248: Grief, Growth & The Wholeness of Being Human (Grief Recovery & Healing Series part 1)   About: The Joy Lab Podcast is an Ambie-nominated podcast that blends science and soul to help you cope better with stress, anxiety, and depression. It's hosted by integrative psychiatrist Dr. Henry Emmons and holistic mental health researcher Dr. Aimee Prasek.   Bonus: spread some joy and keep this podcast ad-free by donating. Joy Lab is powered by the nonprofit Pathways North.   Full transcript here   Questions this episode was made for: Q: Is closure real? Can you ever really "get over" a significant loss? A: This episode explores why closure is more myth than reality for life's most significant losses, and why that's not a failure. Carl Jung argued that the most important problems in life are insoluble: they can't be solved, only outgrown; and Pauline Boss's work on ambiguous loss shows that some losses, by nature, never come to a clear resolution. And that's okay. Q: What should I reach for instead of closure after a loss? A: This episode discusses approaches like "continuing bonds," the idea that maintaining an evolving inner connection with what or who we've lost can be healthy and adaptive. The goal then is not closure but growth around the loss, holding both the love and the pain.   Key moments: [00:00] The myth of closure [02:00] The myth of closure and perfection [04:00] How Kubler-Ross's stages of grief got distorted and Freud's decathexis   [08:00] A drive for closure can lead us to avoid what is true  [10:00] Carl Jung on insoluble problems [12:00] Holding opposites: making the best decision possible without actually solving the problem  [14:00] The difference between closure and completion  [16:00] The first law of thermodynamics applies to grief too [18:00] Continuing bonds theory (Klass, Silverman, Nickman) [20:00] Internalized vs. externalized bonds  [22:00] Example with Alzheimer's diagnosis, the relentless nature of grief without closure [24:00] Pauline Boss and ambiguous loss: [26:00] Both/and thinking     Sources and Notes for Our Element of Letting Go: Alloy & Abramson. (1979). Judgment of contingency in depressed and nondepressed students: Sadder but wiser? 10.1037//0096-3445.108.4.441 Botvinick & Cohen. (1998). Rubber hands "feel" touch that eyes see. doi.org/10.1038/35784 Clark & Radomsky (2014). Introduction: A global perspective on unwanted intrusive thoughts. 10.1016/j.jocrd.2014.02.001 Damasio, A. R. (1994). Descartes' error: Emotion, reason, and the human brain. G. P. Putnam's Sons. de Mello, A. (1990). Awareness. Doubleday. Epictetus. (2014). Discourses, fragments, handbook (R. Hard, Trans.). Oxford University Press. Feldman, et al. (2023). Interoceptive ability moderates the effect of physiological reactivity on social judgment. 10.1037/emo0001210 Freud, S. (1957). Mourning and melancholia. In J. Strachey (Ed. & Trans.), The standard edition of the complete psychological works of Sigmund Freud (Vol. 14, pp. 243–258). Hogarth Press. (Original work published 1917) Gottlieb, L. (2019). Maybe you should talk to someone: A therapist, her therapist, and our lives revealed. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. Jung, C. G. (1962). Commentary. In R. Wilhelm (Trans.), The secret of the golden flower: A Chinese book of life (C. F. Baynes, Trans.; Rev. ed.). Harcourt, Brace & World. (Original work published 1929) Klass, D., Silverman, P. R., & Nickman, S. L. (Eds.). (1996). Continuing bonds: New understandings of grief. Taylor & Francis. Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying. Macmillan. Langer, E. J. (1975). The illusion of control. doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.32.2.311 Langer, E. J. (2009). Counterclockwise. Ballantine Books. Luo, M. (2004, February 27). For exercise in New York futility, push button. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2004/02/27/nyregion/for-exercise-in-new-york-futility-push-button.html MacCormack & Lindquis (2019). Feeling hangry? When hunger is conceptualized as emotion. 10.1037/emo0000422 Mauss, et al. (2011). Can seeking happiness make people unhappy? Paradoxical effects of valuing happiness. doi.org/10.1037/a0022010 Morewedge, et al. (2010). Consuming experience: Why affective forecasters overestimate comparative value. 10.1016/j.jesp.2010.07.010  Moulding, et al. (2014). Part 2. They scare because we care: The relationship between obsessive intrusive thoughts and appraisals and control strategies across 15 cities. 10.1016/j.jocrd.2014.02.006 Nhat Hanh, T. (1998). Fragrant palm leaves: Journals, 1962–1966. Parallax Press. Palmer, P. J. (2016, April 27). The gift of presence, the perils of advice. The On Being Project. https://onbeing.org/blog/the-gift-of-presence-the-perils-of-advice/ Paumgarten, N. (2008, April 21). Up and then down: The lives of elevators. The New Yorker. https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2008/04/21/up-and-then-down Rachman, S. (1981). Part I. Unwanted intrusive cognitions. 10.1016/0146-6402(81)90007-2 Radomsky, et al. (2014). Part 1—You can run but you can't hide: Intrusive thoughts on six continents. Journal of Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders, 3(3), 269–279. 10.1016/j.jocrd.2013.09.002 Siegel, et al. (2018). Seeing what you feel: Affect drives visual perception of structurally neutral faces. 10.1177/0956797617741718 Singer, M. A. (2007). The untethered soul: The journey beyond yourself. New Harbinger Publications. Quoidbach, J., Gilbert, D. T., & Wilson, T. D. (2013). The end of history illusion. 10.1126/science.1229294 Wegner, et al. (1987). Paradoxical effects of thought suppression. 10.1037/0022-3514.53.1.5 Wilson & Gilbert. 2005). Affective forecasting: Knowing what to want. 10.1111/j.0963-7214.2005.00355.x   If you enjoyed this episode, please rate and review us wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts!    Please remember that this content is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to provide medical advice and is not a replacement for advice and treatment from a medical professional. Please consult your doctor or other qualified health professional before beginning any diet change, supplement, or lifestyle program. Please see our terms for more information. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call the NAMI HelpLine: 1-800-950-6264 available Monday through Friday, 10 a.m. – 10 p.m., ET. OR text "HelpLine" to 62640 or email NAMI at [email protected]. Visit NAMI for more. You can also call or text SAMHSA at 988 or chat 988lifeline.org. Find more mental health resources here. 

It's great that us humans are storytellers... except when we tell rigid, oversimplified stories about who we are, what happened to us, and what's possible next. The solution is not to get rid of our stories as they can help us make sense of a complex world, build identity, and find some control in chaos. One strategy to loosen up on our stories is to do some editing to them. We can ask a story that might be holding us  three questions: Is it true? (Memory is like a Wikipedia page, not a replayable video — constantly re-edited by mood, depression, and anxiety.) Is it helpful? (We're terrible predictors of our future selves and tend to overestimate how much one event defines us.) Is it kind? (Unkind stories activate the stress response and can shut down possibility; self-compassion is the condition that makes change possible.)  In this episode, we'll dig into how we can identify our stories, ask some questions of them, and make some honest edits so our stories can become tools for growth and possibility.  Ready to take action? Learn more about Experiments here.    Referenced books (more sources below): Two Islands & A Boat (narrative therapy resource)   Related Episodes: Start of our Grief Series. ep. 248: Grief, Growth & The Wholeness of Being Human (Grief Recovery & Healing Series part 1)   About: The Joy Lab Podcast is an Ambie-nominated podcast that blends science and soul to help you cope better with stress, anxiety, and depression. It's hosted by integrative psychiatrist Dr. Henry Emmons and holistic mental health researcher Dr. Aimee Prasek.   Bonus: spread some joy and keep this podcast ad-free by donating. Joy Lab is powered by the nonprofit Pathways North.   Listen & follow the Joy Lab Podcast on your favorite listening app: Spotify | Apple | YouTube   Questions this episode was made for: Q: How do I let go of a story about myself that I've been telling for years — especially when it feels completely true? A: This episode offers three practical questions to ask any story you're holding: is it true, is it helpful, and is it kind. These questions can help us edit our stories so they are more honest and enable growth.   Q: Does letting go of my stories mean I have to pretend the bad things didn't happen or turn them into something positive? A: No! That's toxic positivity and it sucks our joy. Letting go of stories is not about denial, toxic positivity, or crafting a phoenix-rising narrative; it's about loosening the tight grip so the story doesn't have unearned power over what's possible.   Full transcript   Key moments: [00:00] Welcome — Letting go of our stories [01:00] What letting go of stories is NOT: ignoring the past, rejecting what happened, abandoning truth that keeps us safe or gives direction [02:30] Creating stories about ourselves helps us make sense of the world, form identity, find belonging, feel some control in chaos [03:00] The problem isn't that we make up stories — it's that we believe them; seeing a story as a story lets us keep the good without letting it dictate our lives [03:30] Narrative therapy: clarifying, challenging, recrafting stories; book recommendations and practitioner note in show notes [04:30] The kettlebell metaphor: stories are like light kettlebells — easy to pick up, helpful to swing around, but they get heavy with time and take resources to hold [05:30] When arms are free and open: more open to love, growth, success — and also rejection, failure, sorrow; that's why we grip; uncertainty takes skill [06:00] Thich Nhat Hanh: "People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar." — substitute suffering with stories [07:30] There can be real grief in letting go of a story — even the best decision can come with loss; link to Grief Series in show notes [08:00] But when you let go, you create space for something new — it might take a while to arrive, but at least it's possible [08:30] Even our thriving main-character stories can hold us back in unhelpful ways [09:00] Three questions to ask of any story: Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind? [10:00] Our brain crafts simple stories to explain complex situations — comforting, but rarely fully true for complex human lives [10:30] We retell stories until they feel more true; memory is not a replayable video — Dr. Elizabeth Loftus: memory is more like a Wikipedia page [11:00] Memory gets re-edited by many people and experiences, not just us — similar to how perception is influenced by so many things [11:30] When experiencing depression or anxiety, our perspective narrows — the stories and edits we make during those times reflect that narrowed view [12:00] Asking "is it true?" lets us examine the edits and the context in which they were made [13:00] We don't have to deny what's true, but we get to choose what fills our awareness and which stories we hold tightly vs. loosely — but only if we see them as stories [15:30] Question 2 — Is it helpful? We think stories are helpful for predicting future behaviors, but we're terrible predictors of our future selves [16:00] We overestimate the impact of events — one experience of being cheated on becomes "I can never trust anyone"; getting fired for a mistake becomes "I can never keep a job" [17:00] We see past and future through the lens of the present — hard to imagine not thinking tomorrow what we're thinking today; stories don't anticipate much change either [17:30] It's not about predicting the future better — it's about loosening the grip so we can be open to what is [19:00] Henry's clinical example: depressed clients who are certain they're miserable because of a job or relationship — he advises waiting until mood improves before deciding, because in that state the mind is unreliable [20:30] Question 3 — Is it kind? Kind speech from wisdom traditions: rooted in compassion, in support of the listener, sharing truth to promote growth and flourishing [21:00] Applying to ourselves: is the story rooted in compassion? Does it support you? Can it promote growth, or does it shrink your world? [21:30] Letting go of unkind stories does NOT mean rewriting them as Hallmark movies or phoenix-rising narratives — those things don't have to happen [22:00] Hard experiences don't need to shrink us OR require us to relentlessly optimize — both things can be true at once; we're wired for resilience, not relentless self-improvement [22:30] When we let go of unkind stories, we calm our nervous system, increase approach behaviors, become more likely to try again after screwing up [23:00] Kindness is an evolutionary superpower and one of the most effective tools for behavior change [23:30] Shame and self-criticism activate the stress and threat response, shutting down possibility; kindness and self-compassion activate learning and growth [24:00] Kindness is not just the nice thing to do — it's the condition that makes change possible; there is no other way [24:30] The three questions again: Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind? — join the Experiment to work with these in practice [25:00] Closing wisdom from Michael Singer, The Untethered Soul: "In order to be who you are, you must be willing to let go of who you think you are."   Sources and Notes for Our Element of Letting Go: Alloy & Abramson. (1979). Judgment of contingency in depressed and nondepressed students: Sadder but wiser? 10.1037//0096-3445.108.4.441 Botvinick & Cohen. (1998). Rubber hands "feel" touch that eyes see. doi.org/10.1038/35784 Clark & Radomsky (2014). Introduction: A global perspective on unwanted intrusive thoughts. 10.1016/j.jocrd.2014.02.001 Damasio, A. R. (1994). Descartes' error: Emotion, reason, and the human brain. G. P. Putnam's Sons. de Mello, A. (1990). Awareness. Doubleday. Epictetus. (2014). Discourses, fragments, handbook (R. Hard, Trans.). Oxford University Press. Feldman, et al. (2023). Interoceptive ability moderates the effect of physiological reactivity on social judgment. 10.1037/emo0001210 Freud, S. 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