The Calm Living Blueprint: Social Anxiety | Anxiety | Stress | Mindfulness | Inner Peace

I often find myself incorporating Nelson Mandela’s story and how he approached life, his attitude, into the Calm Living Blueprint because I think it offers a wonderful example of taking committed action even in the face of fear, pain and discomfort.So that’s what I want to examine in this podcast episode – five lessons I’ve learned from Mr. Mandela’s example.You can download the transcript of this episode by clicking here.

Is it ever too late?The other day one of my clients said, “Maybe it’s too late for me.” She felt defeated, like things had never gone right for her and she felt hopeless that things would ever go right for her.Now, this wasn’t a one-time thought. This particular person had this thought before. I’ve had other clients share similar hopeless thoughts and feelings before. I myself have had these thoughts before.Maybe you have, too. Maybe you’ve gotten to a place where you start questioning yourself…Are my best days behind me? Is it too late? Have I missed out on my life? Have I missed my big opportunity? Is the rest of my life just more of the same old same old?Well, as I told my client: nothing could be further from the truth. And I actually know that to be a fact. And in this podcast episode I’ll share how I know that to be fact and I’ll offer some tips to handle these types of hopeless thoughts and feelings so that they don’t inhibit you from doing what you want to do.You can download the transcript of this episode by clicking here.

What do I mean by the seeds of calm lie in anxiety?Well… the idea for today’s podcast episode came to me as I was reflecting on how to better help people open up and make space for feelings of anxiety rather than continuing to struggle with them. That’s something we’ve talked about in previous episodes, however it’s also one of those things that can be easier said than done.So upon reflecting on my own experience I realized that the biggest shift for me in regards to being able to make space for anxiety came when I shifted my perspective of anxiety – when I changed how I viewed anxiety.In today’s episode I’d like to share how I shifted by perspective on anxiety, how I shifted my consciousness and how I came to look at it as a gift.Yes, I said “a gift.”You can download the transcript of this episode by clicking here.

Ever wonder how to stop ruminating?Have you ever gotten stuck thinking about a past trauma or negative event, a problem or really any kind of setback… over and over again… you just can’t stop thinking about it… like a hamster running in a hamster wheel in his cage your thoughts just seem to run around and around and around…?Yeah, that’s called rumination. And the results of a massive study just came out that show rumination – dwelling on the negative – may be the best predictor of depression and anxiety, as well as determining the level of stress people experience.So in today’s episode we’re going to discuss the results of this study, what the results mean to you, plus we’re going to beyond the results and I’m going to teach you how you can turn rumination in to something to your advantage, a technique you can use to actually lessen anxiety and improve your mood.32 827 people from 127 different countries took part in this online stress test. Here is a link to the study: http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/0/24451567You can download the transcript of this episode by clicking here.

Have you ever blushed?Of course you have. We all blush.There’s nothing wrong with blushing however blushing can become a concern when we feel anxious about blushing. We’re afraid of blushing or when we blush we get anxious about blushing and that just further adds to our overall anxiety.So this episode is devoted to blushing – specifically how to deal with blushing so that it no longer causes anxiety for you.You can download the blushing meditation .mp3 here.You can download the transcript of this episode by clicking here.

So, how have you been sleeping? What changes have you made since the last episode to improve your sleep?In episode 19 we tackled the environmental and behavioural factors that can affect our sleep and what we can do to overcome them and improve upon them to optimize our sleep.In this episode we’re going to continue to cover the top tips and strategies to help you sleep like a baby, even if you experience anxiety… and we’re going to tackle more of the psychological factors that can affect your sleep.You can download the transcript of this episode by clicking here.

Do you sleep like a baby?Or… Have you ever found yourself lying in bed, staring at the ceiling and wanting to scream out in frustration because you just can’t fall asleep?You peak at your alarm clock out of the corner of your eye and it reads 3 o’clock! 3 in the freaking morning… And you have to be up at 6! Now you get even more anxious about not falling asleep, thinking, “I have to fall asleep. I’ve got to get those three hours!”Yeah, I’ve been there, too.Insomnia can seem hard to cope with and it can be especially draining when you suffer from anxiety.So in today’s episode we’re going to cover the top tips and strategies to help you sleep like a baby, even if you experience anxiety.You can download the transcript of this episode by clicking here.

Would you like to know more about superfoods to boost your mood?Last episode we talked about how our gut bacteria can affect our mood, including anxiety, depression and how we react to stress. So I thought it would be a good idea to carry over that theme into today’s episode and build upon the specific foods that can help calm anxiety and boost mood.We’re going to go even one step further than we have in previous episodes and discuss superfoods.What are superfoods and which ones have mood-boosting properties?You can download the transcript of this episode by clicking here.

Are gut bacteria causing anxiety in you?When you think about strategies to calm anxiety or treat depression maybe you think of psychotherapy, medication, hypnosis, affirmations … right, something along those lines. I’m betting that you would not automatically think about your gut.Well, our guts may very well hold the secret to improving your mood and mental health. That’s what this episode is about: what do your gut bacteria have to do with your anxiety or depression?I decided to talk about this subject after reading an article called, “Gut Feelings: the future of psychiatry may be inside your stomach” on the website theVerge.com.You can download the transcript of this episode by clicking here.

Connect with Candice → ⁠https://candiceesposito.com/⁠Have you ever experienced an emotional crisis? Where you were flooded by a storm of difficult thoughts and feelings. What did you do?A crisis can present in many different forms, from the death of a loved one, to loss of a job, to collapse of a marriage, to financial disaster.When you’re hit by a crisis, an emotional storm is likely to whip through your mind and body, tossing painful feelings and thoughts in all directions.What you should do when you find yourself experiencing an emotional crisis? What can you do to not only survive, but to thrive? It’ll be handy to have these techniques in your back pocket so you can use them whenever needed.If we want to act effectively then we can’t allow that storm to carry us away. The first thing we need to do is “drop anchor.”Consider practicing the “Grounding Breath”The next step is to take note. Take a moment to scan your body and notice what you’re feeling. Find the most painful feeling, observe it, breathe into it, expand around it, and allow it to be.After that, take a step back and notice all the thoughts whirring around in your head. See if you can “name the story.” Give a name to the story your mind is trying to tell you. For example, “Here’s the ‘I can’t cope’ story.”The last step is to pursue your values.To remember what to do in an emotional crisis remember the word STOPSlow your breathingTake noteOpen upPursue your valuesTo help keep this near you, to have this knowledge wherever you go, so you don’t have to worry about remembering, I’ve created a wallet size printable 4 Steps to Survive an Emotional Crisis handout for you.Click here to download it now.You can download the transcript of this episode by clicking here.

Connect with Candice → ⁠https://candiceesposito.com/⁠In this episode what I’ve decided to do is answer a couple of questions from listeners.Question #1 from Jacqueline: ““I’m confused about what you call acceptance. Are you saying we should just live with the pain, to tolerate it? I don’t understand how that would be helpful.”Question #2 from Kevin: “How do I know if something is really, truly holding me back? I’m trying to figure out what things are stopping me from being more confident and some of the things I’m coming up with I don’t know if it’s actually true or if I just think it’s true? Do you know what I mean? I appreciate any help you can give me.”You can download the transcript of this episode by clicking here.

Connect with Candice → ⁠https://candiceesposito.com/⁠In this episode you’re going to discover a technique, that when used optimally, can actually help you create your own reality. Everyone who has achieved great success in life has used this power consciously or unconsciously.What is this simple technique?Have a listen to the episode to find out…Key PointsOur mind brings up stories all the time and we have the choice whether to fuse with them, to get entangled by these stories or not.Visualization is a way to take control over the story.Brain scans show that visualization activates those parts in our brain responsible for carrying out actions.It’s not necessary to know how to get there. You just need to be able to see and feel that desired outcome, that goal for yourself.The key difference between what I’m talking about here and what a lot of people do when visualizing is what I mean by “successfully programming” this into your subconscious … is that you see and feel it as already having happened. That’s it’s a done deal.Visualization helps you find the information and means to carry out the necessary actions. You still need to take action. What you need to do and how to do it will become clear because of visualizing, but you still need to act.Begin with the end in mind.Here’s a general outline or step by step process (for those of you that like that kind of thing) that might be helpful to start with:Get clear on your intention.Eliminate distractions.Experience your intention or endpoint as already having been manifested into reality.You can download the transcript of this episode by clicking here.

Connect with Candice → ⁠https://candiceesposito.com/⁠In this episode you’re going to discover why self-esteem is overrated. Yes, I said OVER-rated. I know a lot of self-help books and programs out there are all about boosting your self-esteem.Well, I’m going to tell why those don’t work and why you don’t need to waste your money on them.Key PointsMost people can relate to the core belief of “I’m not good enough as I am. There is something wrong with me or lacking in me.”No matter how hard we try or how much we achieve, our thinking self can always find something to dislike, some way in which we are lacking, deficient, not good enough.What exactly is self-esteem? An opinion you hold about yourself.Here’s the reason why self-esteem is overrated: self-esteem is not a fact; it’s just an opinion.It’s nothing more than a highly subjective judgement.For most people, including myself, the more positive the thought, the more resistance there is … thoughts like “Yeah, right!” “Who are you kidding?” “Maybe in your dreams” automatically pop up.The reality is you can find an infinite number of good and bad stories to tell about yourself and as long as you’re invested in self-esteem you’re going to waste a lot of time in this chess game, fighting an endless battle against your own limitless supply of negative thoughts.What if you completely let go of judging yourself as a person? What would life be like if you were to let go of self-esteem altogether?The good news is that leading a rich, full and meaningful life does not depend upon self-esteem at all.You can download the transcript of this episode by clicking here.

Connect with Candice → ⁠https://candiceesposito.com/⁠In this podcast episode I answer a question that I get a lot from fellow podcast listeners and my Calm Living clients … Should I take anxiety medication?Key Points Re: Anxiety MedicationEach individual’s situation is differentRe-frame the question from “Should I take anxiety medication?” to “What do I want to get from taking medication?” “What am I looking to achieve?”What is the therapeutic effect you are seeking?You can download a copy of this episode’s transcript by clicking here.

Connect with Candice → ⁠https://candiceesposito.com/⁠In my opinion this is the most important step of the Calm Living Blueprint, of setting yourself free from fear, free from your struggles with anxiety.Values alone aren’t enough. Our journey begins only when we start taking action.When we move forward guided by our values, we feel a sense of meaning and purpose, even in the face of major challenges.Even if we think a goal is impossible we can still keep moving towards it. You don’t have to believe that you’ll achieve it. You just need to take action.Every little step counts. Each and every step is an important part of the journey.Oftentimes, moving in a meaningful direction will give rise to uncomfortable feelings – fear, self-doubt, anxiety. Therefore, we better learn to make room for those painful feelings if we want to achieve our goals.We can’t stop the difficult thoughts and feelings from popping up, but we can stop investing our energy in struggling with them and instead focus on the task at hand.Commitment doesn’t mean you never give up or never go off track. Commitment means that when you do give up you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back on track again.The actions of social confidence come first. The feelings of social confidence come later.You can download a copy of this episode’s transcript by clicking here.If you chose option 2, it’s time to get moving …Take a moment to clarify your next step and then take action. Take the action you commit to.

Connect with Candice → ⁠https://candiceesposito.com/⁠So up to this point we’ve been placing a lot of our focus on the painful feelings you struggle with and the painful thoughts you get entangled by … basically, all the things that you don’t want. But we haven’t yet focused on what you do want – what sort of person you want to be, what sort of relationships you want to build, what you want to do with your life to make it richer, fuller, and more meaningful.So let’s get clear about what you really want.What are you here for? What makes your life worth living? It’s amazing how many people never consider those questions, just going through life following the same routine, day after day.The whole point of what we’re doing here is, sure, to help you overcome social anxiety … but at a deeper level it’s about helping you to live a rich, full and meaningful life.The reality is that you don’t just want to overcome social anxiety. You want to be able to live the life you want to live – make new friends, date, get a new job – whatever that is for you.Here’s how to gain some clarity…Knowing what matters is about identifying your values and living your life guided by those values.Values are our heart’s deepest desires: how we want to be, what we want to stand for, and how we want to relate to the world around us.Values are like a compass. A compass gives you direction and keeps you on track when you’re traveling. And our values do the same for the journey of life. We use them to choose the direction in which we want to move and to keep us on track as we go.Values are far more empowering than goals because they’re always available to us. In any moment you have the choice to act on your values or not.Values are here and now (goals are in the future).Values never need to be justified.Values often need to be prioritized.Values are best held lightly.Values are freely chosen.You can download a copy of this episode’s transcript by clicking here.I encourage you to download and complete the Life Values Questionnaire.

Connect with Candice → ⁠https://candiceesposito.com/⁠In this episode we are going to swerve back to discussing one of the steps of the Calm Living Blueprint, the blueprint to overcoming social anxiety.Pure awareness. A powerful aspect of the mind that has largely been ignored by western psychology. And as you get to know this part of yourself you will further transform your relationship with difficult thoughts and feelings of anxiety and fear.One of the things that’s important to recognize is that there are two very distinct parts of the mind. There’s the part that we’re all very familiar with – the part that thinks, imagines, remembers, analyzes, plans, fantasizes and so on – the “thinking self.”And the other part of your mind that doesn’t think, can’t think – it just notices. It notices whatever you’re thinking and feeling and doing and seeing and hearing and tasting and so on – the “observing self.”As your thinking self thinks about your experience, your observing self registers your experience directly.The observing self:Pure awareness is about connecting with that part of you that is separate from your thoughts and feelings and that provides a safe and constant viewpoint from which to observe and accept them.It’s this place where, no matter how great the pain is, it cannot harm you. Knowing that, experiencing that can help you stop running from your pain.You can download a copy of this episode’s transcript by clicking here.Download the action worksheet here.Grab an index card or a small piece of paper. On one side of the card write out 3 negative self-judgements that you have. “I’m not good enough. I’m not smart enough. I can’t talk well.” Whatever those are for you.Then on the other side of the card write out 3 positive self-judgements. “I’m a good person, I’m kind.” Again, whatever applies to you.I want you to carry the card around in your purse or a bag for the next week. Pull it out several times a day, read both sides, then put it back in your purse or bag again.That’s it. That’s all I’m going to tell you. Let me know what noticed, what you observed from this exercise by leaving me a comment on iTunes. And we’ll follow up with this in the next episode.

Connect with Candice → ⁠https://candiceesposito.com/⁠Is inflammation causing your anxiety and depression?Inflammation is our body’s basic reaction to protecting itself to whatever it perceives to be harmful – toxins, irritants, infection, stress, and as we’ll talk about later, even thoughts or emotions.Essentially inflammation is the body’s attempt to heal itself. So a certain amount of inflammation is actually a good thing.The problem comes in when that inflammatory response gets out of hand or becomes chronic in nature.You’re probably familiar with a lot of conditions already where this is known to be the case … rheumatoid arthritis, inflammatory bowel disease, heart disease, diabetes, obesity, allergies, and so on.And you’ve probably already heard about the link between inflammation and outside influences like environmental toxins, junk food, smoking and alcohol.Pollution, a doughnut, puffing on a cigarette or downing a martini – those are all pretty easy to understand, how they might cause inflammation or harm to our body. All are outside sources.But, did you know that our bodies can create inflammation all on their own, with no outside influences as triggers?Our thoughts, moods, stress levels, and even our social lives can trigger a cascade of inflammatory reactions in our bodies that can lead to all those conditions I mentioned earlier, as well as anxiety and depression.And that’s what this podcast episode is all about. Learn about what you can to decrease your inflammation levels… and, as a result, heal anxiety and depression…Researchers have discovered that being anxious, depressed or stressed also has an effect on inflammatory chemicals in our body.And the chemicals associated with those emotional states change how our immune, cardiovascular and hormonal systems function.Current research suggests that the pain of social injury is very similar to the pain of physical injury like arthritis joint pain or a sports injury. And in large part, this has to do with inflammation. They affect the same regions of the brain, and they can be just as painful, maybe more so for social pain.The methods we are using in the Calm Living Blueprint, the step by step process we talk about each episode, not only will that help anxiety and depression, but it is also anti-inflammatory.You can download a copy of this episode’s transcript by clicking here.“Do not let your thoughts play havoc by worrying about what may happen, and what may not happen, but instead, ask yourself the question what is there in this that I cannot endure? You will then discover there is no situation which may arise that you cannot deal with effectively.”– Marcus Aurelius

Connect with Candice → ⁠https://candiceesposito.com/⁠Your mind is like a time machine.Yup, a time machine.It’s lucky for us that our mind can conceptualize the past and the future. It’s a hugely useful ability. It allows us to reflect on and learn from the past and to predict and plan for the future.As we grow older, our mind gets better and better at doing tricks like conjuring up the past and the future. But, unfortunately, this often creates problems.As children, we can easily live in the present, but by adulthood our mind is like an out of control time machine that constantly pulls us back into the past or forward into the future.As a result, we spend a lot of time in the past reliving old hurts, failures, rejections and mistakes. Or, a lot of time in the future worrying about everything that could go wrong.And, meanwhile we’re missing out on life in the present.It’s hard to get any satisfaction or fulfillment from your life if you’re not actually present to appreciate it.So one important part of overcoming social anxiety, and really any so called “mental health issues” is learning how to do that – to shift from time machine mode to appreciating what’s here and now.And… you guessed it… that’s exactly what I’m going to teach you how to do in this episode.The one thing you’ll notice about confident people is that they are very engaged in whatever it is they are doing.When we keep our attention on what we are doing and are fully engaged in whatever task we’re doing, then it doesn’t matter what our minds say. Our thoughts just come and go.It’s about paying attention with openness, curiosity and flexibility.Even if your experience in this moment is difficult or unpleasant, you can be open to it and curious about it without running away from it or fighting it. And, flexibility comes in when you can consciously direct or focus your attention on different aspects of your experience.It’s humanly impossible to be anxious and present in the moment at the same time. You can’t do it.The more fully we can contact our here and now experience, the more effectively we can act and the more fulfilling life becomes.You can download a copy of this episode’s transcript by clicking here.Choose any one of the simple mindful techniques we went over in this episode or that are in the handout and practice it whenever you feel yourself starting to “zone out” or “flip out,” whenever you’re entering a stressful situation or at any opportunity you have throughout the day.

Connect with Candice → ⁠https://candiceesposito.com/⁠ In this episode we’re going to learn how to handle painful feelings – feelings of anxiety and fear and depression. How to open up and make room for them, how to drop the struggle with them.Opening up to them and making room for them sounds a bit counter-intuitive doesn’t it? The opposite of what you probably want to do. “Why would I want to do that, Candice?” I know, it sounds a bit strange, a lot different than probably what you’ve been told. But keep listening and I’ll explain exactly how it works and how you can start implementing this in your own life right away.Instead of trying to get rid of unpleasant thoughts and feelings we open up and accommodate them. We make room for them and allow them to just come and go.It doesn’t mean you like them, or that you want them or that you approve of them. You just stop investing your time and effort in fighting them.The more space you give those fears and anxieties, the less impact and influence they have on your life.We use this when it helps us to live the life we want to live. It’s not about resignation or tolerating or “gritting your teeth and putting up with it.”Remember the acronym NAME – Notice, Acknowledge, Make space, Expand awarenessYou can download a copy of this episode’s transcript by clicking here.Between now and the next episode I recommend practicing making room for your feelings, just like we did right now in this episode. As soon as you realize you’re struggling, just run through the exercise. You may want to write down the key steps.Here’s a worksheet you can use to practice.