Kagro in the Morning

David Waldman celebrates our return on Monday the 16th after cutting up all weekend. Greg Dworkin asks, what have we done? Really? Is that the rule? Is that the goal now? We are about sick of winning and winning and winning our massive multiplayer war with Iran and just about everyone else in the world, though for some reason as our hit points go up, our health bar continues to shrink. The problem is those kind might not understand that they've lost until the mainstream media agrees to broadcast our victory dances. How many years will we have to win this thing before the world envies Trump as completely as he requires? Some suggest nukes are in order, yet few agree on where to drop them. Trump's domestic war of vengeance is going about as well, as grand juries keep refusing to charge those that the DOJ are targeting. Pete Hegseth's Fox drinking buddy Jeanine Pirro persecutes 90% of those in her path, it's not her fault no one wants to join in. On the other hand, Trump defense attorney John Lauro is sad about everyone treating his boss like a crook. What made Minnesota such a target, and what makes it a solution? Everyone should take notes. What lessons can we learn from last Tuesday's Texas primary? A New Jersey Republican is running against Trump. Democrats might get the courage to run against Bibi. It's an easy decision to run against tariffs. Jared Qushnar adds his own hustle to Middle East peace talks once he figured out that their peace was getting in the way of his profit.

Lucky us! David Waldman drops us off at the end of another week, a little wiser. How stupid is Donald K. Trump, at least in regard to his Iran war? Quite a bit! This little favor for Bibi and Vlad is beginning to get out of hand for Donald. Pete Hic!seth seems to be the only guy having any fun anymore. The worst part of being an idiot is when people keep pointing it out. Today, as every other day in the last 70 years or so, Trump has to prove his critics "wrong". A naturalized citizen who lost family members in Israeli strike on Lebanon confused a country with a religion, attacked a Detroit synagogue and was shot by security, which is paid for by grants if they aren't woke. Meanwhile, a shooter at Old Dominion University met good guys without guns who unalived him, nevertheless. New details emerge on Trump's tariff refunds, in that there's pretty much no chance of seeing them. If you are a callow, unserious, incurious, insular, sexist, racist, white code-bro given the keys to government, you too would find AI tools a handy timesaver. AI does also bite back. All of the crises the White House has claimed over the last 14 months were planned in advance. All of them. Rosalyn MacGregor returns with a Michigan update/fun fact: Michiganders apparently regularly schedule themselves propositions to convene constitutional conventions! And the next chance to do it is... now! Who knew? Well, you do now. That's so cute! Well, unless they want to try to use it to secede from the union. Do they want to? Easily triggered inarticulate dimwit Markwayne Mullin was the liaison between the Senate and the House.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin are here to tell you much more about many more things. The Trumpiranian war continues… Not an "incursion" … an "excursion". Not a "quagmire", more of a "junket" of the sunny gulf. Not a "plan", "strategy," "policy," or "doctrine" …  more of an… uhm… Donald K. Trump has always loved the straits, but lately they've become very nasty. Sad! Trump wants the tanker captains to just floor it and knock the blockades aside, but neither they nor the US Navy can be expected to show Trump bravery under pressure. Bahrain has to hire freelancers to crush their dissidents. Back around here, Gops approach the midterms with a doomed play for unity, while Latinos show everyone how it's done in Texas. A DOGE bro deposition demonstrates how handy AI is for lazy racists without moral guardrails. Meanwhile, Kash Patel outsources FBI training to UFC fighters. Jeffreeeeey Epsteeeeeeein! while we were watching people and things blowing up real good, new Trump-Epstein files were released, they are as bad as you'd expect, they're verifiable, and there is a money trail.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin take podmaxxing to the extreme, naturally the good extreme, on today's KITM. Greg reminds us that you can't treat responses from a fabulist president as serious answers… as referenced in the leading source of internet misinformation. Eh, if the posts are backed up on Blue Sky, they're probably good to go.  Of course, you wouldn't expect more accuracy if the info came straight from this administration, because what would they know? Everyone's favorite war, Iran, continues. Merchant ships are hesitant to sail into the Strait of Hormuz, because they are afraid that they might blow up, because Iran has said that they will blow them up and the US says they won't be escorting them because they might blow up.  Donald K. Trump says, Wait, what? Who's afraid of a bomb or two? His guys say the water's great, dive in! There can't be that many Khameinis left anymore, anyhow, and his boy J' red El Qush Nar has prime beachfront property to be developed as soon as his Grok figures out all the nuclear stuff. Republicans still like the war, but Americans do not. The new prices will make fewer admit that they are Republicans. Democrats will still tell you that they are moderate, when they are not. More elections flip, and more to come. Have we reached peak antisemitism-ism? Will anyone new from the Epstein files ever go to jail? Can Ed Martin be more of a contemptible contemptuous contemnor? John Cornyn, a long supporter of whatever, is now vehemently against it. She-Wolf of the DOJ, Pam Bondi, is evacuated to a secure bunker as forces of justice close in.

David Waldman remains on chaos cleanup today, as this weekend's spill is a pretty big one. The Iran war is worse than Hell, this war is Trump.  Is the war ending, or is it beginning? Yes.  Have we destroyed and killed enough, or not enough? Yes.  Does Donald K. Trump know what is happening? No.  Does that matter?  Again, no. Does Trump, himself, believe a word that he says?  You could say "both". Did Jeffrey Epstein kill himself? Well, he was certainly asking for it. New Mexico prosecutors are just getting around to searching his property. Then there's Jeff's BFF Donald… so much is known, so little has been proven... or at least proven in court. Then again, the 2020 election has been settled, has been proven, and yet will never be settled or proven. If Dems don't win for 50 years or so, maybe Gops will let this slide. U.S. District Judge Matthew Brann rules that the triumvirate replacing Alina Habba in the District of NJ is illegal. Trump has a new method for determining the brownness of staff noses: Florsheim shoes. Retribution sights are being set again on Cassidy Hutchinson. Following the red yarn from her pushpin we find Alexander Butterfield — who revealed the existence of the Nixon White House taping system to the world (and more recently befriended Cassidy Hutchinson during the January 6th congressional probe), dead at 99, nutter Barry Loudermilk, who led pre-Jan 6 tours around the Capitol, and Marjorie Traitor Greene, soon to be replaced by someone crazier... or possibly not! Darrell Issa isn't running again, which is only good news. Somehow, most liberals still have no idea that the NY Times is a problem. Pssst...  The Jan. 6 plaque honoring Capitol Police has been installed.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin are back to fight Trump chaos with their chaos. Like a lot of people right now floating outside Tehran and Basra, Singer-songwriter Country Joe McDonald was an enlisted Navy sailor. Like a lot of people right now, he gave an F-U-C-K about what we were doing, and now, sadly, whoopee, we are gonna do it again. The guy who cares the least about what we are fighting for is Donald K. Trump, as both problems and solutions make him equally angry. At least no new pronunciation guides will be needed for Iran's leadership, nor will anyone need to adjust their governance or diplomacy theories. Not that the US is expected to take into consideration… anything. We'll just commit our war crimes and be shocked when Iran commits theirs. Thousands are stranded in the area unless they're mogging with sufficient rizz... Polling indicates that Trump could neither mog nor rizz himself out of a paper bag. James Talarico can, however, and at almost Mamdaniesque levels… plus, James has JESUS. Take that MAGA! Trump should consider a nice track suit to match his hat the next time he attends the transfer of killed US service members. Ok, the DHS kidnaps, tortures, and kills a few people, but they'd never get in the way of spring break.  The President feels their pain but refuses to sign any bill until Congress passes his anti-voting anti-trans act and gives him three scoops of ice cream. A woman born in the US has her immigration status put under review. She-Wolf of the DOJ, Pam Bondi announces that state bar associations can't investigate misconduct by lawyers but hasn't figured out a way to keep Congress from investigating her misconduct. Meanwhile, this administration still holds a grudge for Cassidy Hutchinson and if they can't lock anyone else up, she might have to do.

Barack Obama joins David Waldman and KITM in encouraging voting "Yes" for redistricting in Virginia. We would have had him on, but our Friday story backlog is a killer. Kristi Noem has been fired. Not for killing dogs, or goats, or people, but for telling the truth under oath. As far as Donald K. Trump knows, that's the only unpardonable offence. Noem had no reaction, as she had those surgically removed last year. Kristi and her young ward Corey Lewandowski will now be "employed" as agents of S.H.I.E.L.D, which might stand for Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation, but really stands for pretending to roll the ICE atrocities odometer back to zero by pretending that serial nosepicker Markwayne Mullin is now the guy in charge. ICE is building camps and closing camps and building and closing camps. Do ICE agents wear masks because they fear Covid? This is a common mistake for stupid people to make. Of course, the economy crashes and Americans die, but Trump isn't going to let any of that ruin this experience for him. Jesus Christ hired him to pull the greatest heist of all time, and Donald isn't about to let God and Vlad down while recreating the world in their image. Pete Hegseth is Trump's crusader thrill-killer, his fiery sword of bro-alpha-America laying low the scourge of children and the defenseless. Pete did a Lusitania on an unarmed Iranian ship, sinking it, and watching the crew drown, because we don't do stupid rules of engagement anymore... Democrats witness all this and say, "but..."? Dan Crenshaw is known to be a pretty touchy guy yet discovered that he was no match for a touchy billionaire. Robert Marling knocked Dan out for the bargain price of $675,000. Crenshaw loses the primary to Steve Toth, an unknown, who we at least know is not related to Lazlo Toth, or László Tóth, but possibly Laszlo Toth.

David Waldman, Greg Dworkin, and we are back for more. Pete Hic-seth promised Iran that the US would never fight fair, no stupid rules of engagement for us! Just ask the few surviving sailors on the Iranian warship IRIS Dena, sunk by torpedo, unarmed, returning from "professional exercises, seminars, social events and sporting fixtures" with India. If Iran wants the US to "bitterly regret" this, or anything that they are doing, they will need to ask themselves, "What would Pete Do?" Would Hegseth take out Gulf area desalination plants, endangering tens of millions of civilians? Pete doesn't even drink water, bro. This looks like a job for the Board of Peace! Paramount won't say whether Middle East money is funding its Warner Bros. Discovery deal., but the UAE never promised to fight fair either. And yet, the majority of Americans want a short war with no boots on the ground… Blah, blah, blah! Americans are so picky! Texas seems to be feeling a bit blue lately. Texas Dems are fired up and fired up about James Talarico. Jasmine Crockett did great for someone who did it so bad, but Talarico offered both style and substance, attaining Zohran Mamdanimentum. Anyone who doesn't do that won't make it out of their primaries. Gops have long ago learned how to deal with pesky primaries. Listen, if Donald K. Trump gets rid of Kristi Noem will you all leave him alone? What if he throws in Pam Bondi? Karoline Leavitt? No dudes leave though. That's too far.

David Waldman delivers us to the middle of the week, which is pretty good, considering the week so far. Greg Dworkin, a nice guy who can always be trusted, delivers a paradoxical raft o' stories out of ExTwitter, an awful place that can never be trusted. Yesterday, we had primary elections in Texas, North Carolina and Arkansas, the first elections of the 2026 midterm campaigns.  Jasmine Crockett and James Talarico are both fantastic, but James Talarico will now be the fantastic Democratic candidate. Trump has to pick the winner from his losers. We won't have Dan Crenshaw to kick around anymore, but neither will Mike Johnson. Democratic voters in Texas were left to wander around, looking for their precinct which is just how Gops wanted it. For something that was designed to finally completely strangle Jeffrey Epstein, permanently rig democracy, and usher in the Millennial Kingdom of Christ on earth, this whole "Iran war" thing is becoming a little too complex for Donald K. Trump. Iran is breaking our expensive stuff, worrying our rich people and hardly being cooperative. (And killing some soldiers.)  It is also very confusing because we are not at war with Iran, while they have been at war with us for decades… Everything is moving so fast! At least we got all the important people out. The few thousand in business class stranded there dumb enough to rely on the US to get them out can leave a message with details on how they would like their bodies to be IDed.  Colorado Governor Jared Polis is probably going to taco (jaco? paco?) on Tina Peters' state prison time. The DOJ will lay off targeting law firms that Trump doesn't like… psyche! They're totally still targeting the law firms.

It's only Tuesday, and David Waldman already has some catching up to do. It's only Tuesday and Donald K. Trump already is running out of fancy ammo in his war with Iran. Gulf states are being put on hold calling into the Pentagon replenishment help line. Trump doesn't need anything so high-end, as long as he has plenty of low-price grunts to feed to the cannons. After all, that's what they're there for. Around the Gulf, they use drones and DoorDash for delivery. Any foreign adversary interested in our military plans need not go to the expense and trouble of a Mar-a-Lago membership, they can just check out TMZ. The US attempts to steel itself to the idea of a protracted war, but all bets are off if March Madness is threatened. Successive regime changes embolden serial decapitator Trump, but how much more emboldened can a guy anointed by God with the divine task to ignite Armageddon and receive the return of Jesus actually become? Just in case God is a loser and doesn't come through on the midterms, Trump is installing zealots throughout government. Kansas shows whose side they are on by Christian trolling of trans people guilty of the sin of living in their state.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin start off a whole new month trying to make sense of this crap! Who had us bombing Iran over the weekend? Probably a few of us, including billionaire refugees and TikTok influencers. Operation Epic Furry threatens the straights of Hormuz, as the US joins Israel in killing Iranians. Someone had the brilliant idea to bomb a staff meeting, decapitating not just Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei, age 86 (not to be confused with Ayatollah Khomeini, age 124) ... plus anyone else we'd want to negotiate with. (Maybe Ilhan Omar is available? Zohran Mamdani?) This might have put a hitch in your typical administration's plans, but it can't if that administration never plans, can it? Sure, they said "no war with Iran", therefore, there is no war with Iran, because first of all, that would be illegal. Second, people expect you to "win" wars, and that's just not going to happen. And most importantly, voters don't want this war, so who in their right mind would start one now? Kuwait friendly fires upon US jets, while Spain isn't friendly at all. Which brings us to the 2026 midterms, which some still believe are happening! Donald K. Trump is not considering a takeover, just like he wasn't considering Project 2025. Oh well, if mistakes happen, just sue them. Iran almost pushed Jeffrey Epstein out of the news. Jeff paid doctors for procedures ranging from unethical to unspeakable.

David Waldman shakes out the KITM grab bag o' stories heading into the weekend. It turns out that Donald K. Trump's State of the Union speech wasn't only a boring litany of lies but was filled with confessions of 2025 and plans for 2026 crimes. In that case, it was kind of amazing that he was able to fit so much into so little time. At that rate, Trump's Epstein testimony could still take days. A judge blocked Trump from cutting off funding to 22 Dem states to coerce them into giving up food stamp data. Netflix has backed out of its Warner Bros. bid, so CNN slides all the way to the dark side. The military shot off its ray guns again, taking out a Customs and Border Protection drone. Soon, the CBP army will be unstoppable. Kristi Noem is assembling a fleet of bidet-equipped, dildo-laden, flying boudoirs. U.S. Vice Admiral Fred Kacher has been removed from his position as director of the Joint Staff after only taking the post in December. Some just aren't cut out for the military life. Idiot Nick Shirley makes money frightening idiots. Trump can rule the world with enough frightened idiots. A massive pro-Trump Twitter account is run by a paid White House staffer. Zohran Mamdani goes back to the White House to play Trump and makes it all look so easy. Kansas' trans bounty hunter bill was slipped through the legislature hidden in a gut and go shell. A three-year-old company with fewer than five employees hopes to pick up $25 billion before the tariff gravy train runs off the rails.

Ta-ta-ta-da! David Waldman and Greg Dworkin serve up a tasty KITM that you'll prefer to the high-price spread! People are still talking about Trump's boring lying in the SOTU. The bits tying the lies together got some attention, but they weren't the point and weren't why anyone was tuning in or tuning out. Trump voters are so embarrassed, that they are pretending not to be Trump voters. Many are getting sick of pretending that they are winning. Many importers are tired of pretending tariffs worked. At least Mike Johnson only needs to pretend for a few more months. Hey, Cubans are now killing Caribbean boaters! Is that even legal? Whoa! Gops don't know what's going on in Texas, neither do Dems. When in doubt, throw money at it. Things are much more clear in the New York Governor race, and out in Pennsylvania. ICE remain the manifestation of MAGA weenie ethos. The SAVE act is dying, and the talking filibuster won't save it. Howard Lutnick is Trump's favorite dealmaker, so it probably doesn't matter if he can make deals. Jeffrey Epstein remains a concern as more villains are exposed, and more villains try not to be exposed. MAGA are reaching down and finding cognitive dissonance they didn't know they had. Kansas demands that trans residents behave how they want them to, until they do, then they'll demand that they act a different way. The FBI raided Los Angeles Unified School District Supt. Alberto Carvalho's home and office in relation to an AI chatbot company, which is the new hot place to do felony scams.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin brave frigid temperatures with a combination of comfy slippers and raw determination to bring us this latest special KITM:  About the only thing worse than a Trump State of the Union speech is having to take it seriously the next day. Stupid, boring, lying Donald K. Trump said stupid, boring, lies for a couple of hours. Today, Dems have to pretend that there is something interesting about that. There wasn't anything to interest voters. There wasn't much to interest Republicans, as even racism and fearmongering can only go so far. There is a reason why Trump rallies empty out after a half hour, but most needlessly felt some obligation to stick around, if they couldn't manage to earn an ejection. Another reason Trump's State of the Union sucked is because Trump's state of the union sucks. This might matter to midterm voters, one would hope. Special elections sure portend well. The DOJ tried to take Trump out of the Trump-Epstein files and of course managed to get even more attention. Contempt sanctions go against the DOJ today for moving a man out of Minnesota against an order, not releasing him under the timeline ordered, and not returning him to Minnesota. Beta Pete Hegseth wants to be humiliated by alpha Mark Kelly again. Does Pete even lift, bro? Beta Kash Patel finally got to discover what testosterone looks like in the Olympic locker room. Trump was allowed to sniff their medal too. Allowing Kash, Donald, and Pete's fantasies to play out is the highest priority use of military equipment at the moment. Attorney General Brian Schwalb said that Congress didn't actually repeal the D.C. tax bill. Congress and paperwork, man!

David Waldman will continue his boycott of State of the Union speeches and snow until Greg Dworkin is returned to us safely. There will be a SOTU tonight, maybe. No one will be watching, so it's hard to be certain. Abigail Spanberger says she is, but who could blame her if she zoned out for most of it. More people than ever don't want to hear what Donald K. Trump has to say. Even Trump's imaginary supporters are fading away. Proud racists are getting more difficult to find. The US Men's Hockey Team will be there, but that's because they are being made to. The Women's Team was let off the hook. The men will be honored with Trump AI highlight clips and individual SOTU lap dances from Kash Patel. Trump has a few hours to fill, so tariffs might come up, all of it unpleasant, and absolutely nothing about anyone getting a refund. What else is he going to talk about? Greenland? Cannibals? He could declare a war or two. Maybe a pardon or two. Trump probably won't talk much about Jeffrey Epstein, Ghislaine Maxwell and art school girls, DOJ and FBI coverups, but correspondent Rosalyn MacGregor has a lot to report!  Jared's dad, Charles Kushner, is ignoring French summons and would like to stay on the down-low, so expect Trump to flub that.

David Waldman goes it alone as Nor'easter bomb cycloned Greg Dworkin is up to his Connecticut mukluks in a local weather situation. Following Friday's Supreme Court tariffs decision, Donald K. Trump tariffed everyone 10% for laughing at him, then raised it to 15% to prove he's serious. He'll keep doing it too, until everyone understands who's in charge and quits plotting against him… It's those people who "support him" who are really out to get him… do they think he's a fool? Punish those who made deals, reward those he punished!  Call him insane, will they? Send a hospital ship to Greenland! Trump imposters fail to keep up with Trump's rapidly deteriorating diction and syntax. Chuck Schumer pretends to grill burgers MAHA-style. Another disillusioned MAGA bites the dust. Just The News isn't just the news, and even Trump knows it. How does Lindsey Halligan not do it? No one will ever replace her. Instead of raising bail, the rich raise pardon money. Kash Patel trashed his reputation and that of the FBI because he is as big a fan of Olympic hockey as he is his girlfriend's singing career.

Friday is always a great opportunity to uncover the sordid details of stories dumb enough to be the Crime of the Century, but just end up buried under the pile of Crimes of the Millennium. Today starts with a perfect and crystalline example of Trump's criminal genius, a way to monetize vanity itself! So it turns out that DOGE was every bit as dumb as we thought it was. It's all here, but it comes down to this: they asked ChatGPT to make a list of "woke DNI" stuff they could eliminate, and then they just did it. Apparently forging the signatures they needed along the way. (Again!) So, yes, that British fellow, Andrew, was in fact arrested for some crime that was not specifically related to his being a giant pervert. But in the Al Capone tradition: 1) that may be ok, at least for now, and; 2) it's really all the same crime, anyway. This just in: SCOTUS rules against Trump in a case he intends to ignore or otherwise work around! This time, it's the tariffs, at long last! Can we depend on them to rule against him on Virginia's redistricting? Because we may have to! Here's a scary thought to carry into your weekend: 96% of the world's nuclear weapons are now in the hands of authoritarian rulers! Among the world's nuclear powers, only Britain and France remain genuinely liberal democracies.  Will you be able to read about that on the Internet? That's less likely now than ever. (At least during the time in which there's been an Internet.)

David Waldman counts down to the weekend, when we can all kick back, relax, and be incinerated in man-made hellfire…. but don't forget Friday's show! The law must take its course, as even His Majesty the King will tell you, no one is above the law, not even his very own brother, Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor. If only we had the moral rectitude of our forbearers, yet we invent new unaccountable elites every day. Still, around the world executives resign from companies as if they were ungrateful that Jeff made them who they are today. We could've handled it like Great Briton. We could've handled it like South Korea. We could've handled it like Brazil. Greg Dworkin culls the shiniest kernels out of his Ex-Twitter turd to share today. Democrats are job creators. House members get out while the getting's good. James Talarico is hot, hot, hot!  Gop Texans self-immolate.  Kristi Noem diverted a Coast Guard aircraft from an active search and rescue mission in order to transport detained migrants rather than share her double bidet. Stephen Miller, however, shows no inclination in retiring to spend more time in Hell. A Federal judge has finally found a DOJ lawyer in contempt. Judges have rebuked Trump's mass detention of immigrants thousands of times, encouraging him to do worse, faster. Keep alert to any stormtrooper activity at all times. Donald K. Trump sure can destroy a lot of real lives with powers that are mostly in your imagination.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin cut through the confusion and clamp down on the chaos for a tidbit of today. Hey, do you know who the guest was on The Late Show with Steven Colbert? Sure, you do, yet you can't say that very often, can you? That's because that guest, James Talarico, Democratic candidate for Senate, was given a huge promotional lift by Brendan Carr, Donald K. Trump, and a panicked herd of frightened lawyers, who say that they didn't want to make Jasmine Crockett mad. Jasmine Crockett isn't mad. This Blue Wave is raising all Dem boats. Just talk about the SAVE act is encouraging voter suppression, and spurring plans for new voter suppression. Don't let it get to you but do pay attention. Our generics beat their generics. Zohran Mamdani is the most popular Democrat. Donald's pal Jeffrey Epstein led a global criminal enterprise, creating crimes against humanity. Kristi Noem scuttles the Coast Guard. We kill boaters while cocaine booms, while the guy responsible for shipping 400 tons to the US gets all expenses paid vacation to the Waldorf Astoria. Federal Judges can hardly believe the administration's lawlessness, as they have ruled over 4400 times that ICE detentions were illegal. Trump is getting sick of all of the winning… must be why he hasn't been golfing lately. Hope nothing's wrong with the old boy.

David Waldman is back! And, it's Tuesday! RIP Jesse Jackson. RIP Robert Duvall! CBS let Steven Colbert interview James Talarico, they just don't don't want you to see the interview ​​. ICE is big business. The Feds paid $128.5 million for new ICE facility to pack in 10,000 detainees, that only 2 years ago sold for $90 million less. Then there's the Noem-Lewandowski Flying Love Palace with his and her's bidets and a wet bar, which could transport deportees in a pinch, honest! Yes, it is a new golden age for ICE, with the exception of the detainees and the employees. Epstein connections are about as horrible as Trump connections. At least in terms of losing your job in Europe. Here in the Good Ol' US of A, being a Trump-connected crackpot means you're currently having the time of your life proclaiming America a communist hellhole.