Claim OwnershipWhen Our Adult Children Walk Away
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Description
My story. Reflecting my experiences, observations and perspective - in my words.
In the early spring of 2019, under the influence of her gatekeeper-partner, in the heart of the global pandemic. After several years of trying to sort through our differences, my (young) adult daughter made the heartbreaking choice to cut all communication with our family.
My name is Dr. Janet Steinkamp, and the reason for this podcast is simple. During the long, dark hours of my isolation and desperation, I decided to use my formal training and professional experience to help people struggling to understand how to strengthen their communication styles and interpersonal behavior to rebuild a fracturing relationship. I pivoted from decades of work in medical education and communication to work with families.
I now coach people, both parents and adult children, through the dark days, isolation, and pain of estrangement from their parent or adult child. We work to find hope and look toward the future, to grow despite and because of their estrangement, and find strategies that help them prepare to strengthen and rebuild their fractured relationship.
When you are ready to walk through the hot coals of self-reflection toward self-discovery - to prepare for repair - I'm here to walk alongside you.
I can't promise reconnection, I can and will help you find clarity, purpose and strength as you prepare for opportunities to establish respectful, trusting communication.
68 Episodes
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It’s natural to feel compelled to reach out to fix things at every level of estrangement. We’ve been taught to pursue, talk, challenge, and perhaps even expect certain aspects of a relationship with our adult child. You want closeness, but every “fix it” attempt seems to push your adult child farther away. The tension escalates, accusations worsen, and hurtful words or actions become more personal. It makes no sense, and the confusion turns to helplessness. Well-intentioned friends, fam...
Being a strong and steady father to an adult child and a grounded grandfather to their children matters deeply, especially in families experiencing tension or any level of estrangement. The importance isn’t about control or authority, it’s about regulations, emotional safety and continuity across generations. In this episode, you’ll better appreciate the challenges and importance of recognizing boundaries. This is the first step toward respectfully engaging with grandchildren when you and the...
When someone is living with any degree of estrangement, it can feel as though everything they once believed to be true about the relationship has shifted, including their faith. In this episode, Dr. Janet Steinkamp explores how estrangement from an adult child can unsettle long-held beliefs and erode spiritual confidence. Practices that once offered comfort, such as prayer, meditation, or worship, may feel hollow or met with painful silence. A person may feel grounded one day and shaken the n...
The days of straightforward expectations about how moms transition from being a child's mom to mom to an adult child, and finally, from mom to a grandparent, are long gone. The challenge of understanding our adult children's expectations is real. More and more often, moms tell me that as their adult children became independent, they thought they knew how to relate to and communicate with them effectively. They thought they were doing things and interacting with their adult children and grandc...
The winter holidays can shine a harsh spotlight on your estrangement, can’t they? While everyone else seems to be posting perfect family photos, you’re left wondering how to get through the season when your family table isn’t complete. In this episode, Stillness, Space, and Grace, I'll walk you through the emotional landmines of “high-risk days” such as Thanksgiving, Christmas, and other meaningful holidays. We’ll explore why the holidays intensify grief for parents of estranged adults, what ...
1You’re not crazy for wanting answers—you’re human. It's human nature to want to know how and why things happen. In estrangement, too often the answers don't come, and we are challenged to find closure amid ambiguity. In this episode, I'll walk you through the unrest of not knowing in parent–adult-child estrangement. You’ll hear why many adult children don’t offer explanations (overwhelm, failed attempts to be heard, self-protection, different views of obligation, and shame/guilt). ...
The winter holidays can turn a soft ache into a sharp pain when you’re estranged from your adult child. That can be true of any holiday. We're so glad you stopped by to listen and learn with me on the When Our Adult Children Walk Away podcast. In this episode, you’ll learn why the winter holiday season feels so intense in the face of estrangement. When Tradition Meets Transition: 6 ways to Maintain the Meaning of Holidays By the end of this episode, you'll know why holidays ...
When the phone stops ringing and your texts go unanswered, the quiet can feel unbearable. In “Surviving the Silence,” Dr. Janet Steinkamp walks you through how to use this season with purpose so you don’t ruminate and drive yourself to distraction through catastrophizing. You’ll learn eight practical strategies: anchoring in reality (from a 360° view), managing the spiral of rumination, practicing radical acceptance, rebuilding an identity beyond parenting, regulating emotions when you’...
Hi Listeners, Welcome to this safe, judgment-free space to find support, explore new perspectives, and better understand your estrangement circumstances. Regardless of where your relationship sits on the Continuum of Estrangement, you'll find encouragement and reassurance. If you’ve ever wondered how to move between being a mom to your adult child and a grandma to their children—especially when estrangement or tension is involved—this episode is for you. I'm Dr. Janet Steinkamp, a...
Learn about navigating “Gatekeepers” without triggering coercive abuse and further estrangement. In this deeper dive on coercive control, you’ll learn how to keep the light on for your adult child when a partner is acting as a gatekeeper. Dr. Janet shows you how to stay calm under pressure, send short and safe messages that won’t be weaponized, choose lower-risk communication channels, and avoid feeding the power dynamic. You’ll get word-for-word response ideas (“respond, don’t react”),...
You’ll peel back the second layer of the coercive-control “onion” and learn seven concrete ways control shows up: isolation, monitoring and surveillance, degradation and humiliation, control over everyday life, gaslighting, threats and intimidation, and rules with punishments. You’ll hear real-life examples (from “just preferences” to silent treatments) and why these patterns so often lead to estrangement. Most importantly, you’ll get calm, practical guidance on what you can do right no...
In this episode of When Our Adult Children Walk Away, Dr. Janet Steinkamp helps you peel back the first layer of the topic of coercive control. If you’ve noticed your estranged adult child suddenly changing their identity, distancing from family, or echoing words that don’t sound like their own, you may be witnessing coercive influence at work. You’ll learn what coercive control looks like and why it is so pervasive in parental estrangement, why it’s so hard to detect, and the seven key warni...
Jealousy is a natural emotion, and still, it can complicate an already painful estrangement. In this thoughtful episode, Dr. Janet helps parents and adult children understand the role jealousy plays in their strained or fractured relationships. Parents, you’re not alone in this. Estranged adult children also tell us they experience jealousy. But the experience for parents and adult children is different. What does jealousy have to do with estrangement? And pointedly, how can jealousy hi...
Estrangement is often painful, disorienting and frustrating. Even the most well-intended parents can unknowingly make things worse. In this episode, I explore the six common mistakes I see parents make when struggling to reconnect. The ways we communicate, such as blaming, shaming, guilt-tripping, and insulting, push our adult children further away. It's easy to fall into rounds of tit-for-tat communication or send a heartfelt apology letter that lands flat or is ignored. This episode o...
In estrangement, power, influence, coercive control, and gaslighting aren’t just words—they’re underlying dynamics shaping every conversation, every accusation, and every attempt to communicate. Sometimes emotionally charged dynamics are fueled by our communication style, sometimes by our adult child's, and sometimes by someone else entirely. Enter the concept of coercive control and the cult-of-one dynamic. In this episode, we begin to explore these dynamics, uncover the differen...
Join me as I walk you through the challenges and some solutions when you need to respond to invitations scheduled on or related to high-risk days. So often, these events include your adult child. So what then?! How do our adult children decide whether to attend family events, annual festivities where you'll be present, etc? In this episode, I provide a decision-making process to help you choose whether to attend high-risk social events. What happens when a social invitation coincides with a h...
When estrangement is part of your life, even small talk can feel fraught. In this episode, I help parents prepare and practice responses for when people — from close friends to casual acquaintances — ask about their adult children or grandchildren. Practice, practice, practice. Thoughtful, intentional responses to questions about our estrangement circumstances can preserve privacy, reduce gossip, and keep the door open for future reconciliation. By responding with positivity...
Hi and welcome to the WOACWA podcast. I want to invite you to rethink the dynamics of parenting adult children through the lens of yin and yang—balancing empathy with wisdom, flexibility with boundaries. In this episode, we explore how excessive permissiveness or parenting grounded in control can harm our relationships, in particular, our relationships with our adult children. We explore strategies for communicating and setting healthy boundaries with your adult children without a...
Do they think about us? Do they miss us? What are they doing on this particular day or during this time of year? So often, we imagine that they've forgotten us, put our family in a box on a shelf. We worry that they've moved on without us, never to wonder about us again. In this episode, I offer insight into how emotionally charged, high-risk days —such as holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries, differ for estranged parents and adult children. Together, we explore how this understanding can f...
If you’re an estranged parent working with a therapist—or thinking about it—this episode is a must-listen. In this episode, I walk listeners through five common mistakes therapists make when working with us, the estranged parents. From unfair blame to giving advice, therapists who are not familiar with familial estrangement may actually worsen the situation. I offer insights to help you recognize red flags and get the most beneficial and effective therapeutic services to assist you in navigat...
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