Desperately Seeking

I asked on instagram for some questions for an agony aunt episode and I didn’t get quite enough to separate them in to themed episodes so we’ll kick off with my favourites in this mixed episode and hopefully you’ll send in some more for next time. You can DM me on instagram @mikhilamcdaid or email me at hello@mikhila.com This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit mikhila.substack.comIn 2024, at the age of 38, I was diagnosed with ADHD. I had been wrestling with the idea of private assessments for a long time. I had some amount of guilt based in my privilege at having access to that service where others do not, I also felt like a private diagnosis would be less valid. The real issue there was, valid to who? I had already discussed the idea with my GP who agreed they would accept it, as and when the time came, so who did I need to believe me? I hate to tell you this but I think you know - strangers on the internet.Whenever I mentioned my (as yet undiagnosed ADHD) I was met with criticism for claiming a condition and therefor minimising the experience of others. I once jokingly referred to it as ‘peer reviewed’ in a post and one person took that very badly indeed!

Welcome back to the newly renamed Desperately SeekingThis week I was seeking clarity, I wanted to know why people pick up gardening in midlife who’ve never shown much interest previously and along the way I realised it’s exactly the same reason people who’ve previously been somewhat messy with money will decide to get a handle on their person finances. I was talking with a friend recently about gardening. She too is in her 40s and finding herself suddenly taken with the idea of bulbs and seeds and planting things in general. We were debating the reason this seems to happen in middle age. I come from, what I’d describe as, a garden heavy family, but when did my Dad really pick it up? He probably wasn’t in the greenhouse with him Mum in his 20s, was he? Lee and I have often laughed about the generic gifts for men being football, beer or garden related, when he’s interested in none of the above. All jokes aside, if you search for a ‘Grandad’ card, it’s probably going to have a shed or a wheelbarrow on the front of it.For the longest time, I assumed the retired community just had more time, and they do.. just not in the way I thought. When you’re young, you look at the back of a seed packet and thing, ‘6 months? thats ages!. When you’re 40, you think, ‘oh that’s not time at all’. The older you get, the longer you’ve lived, the shorter the years feel. Planting a sapling, knowing you may not see flowers or fruit for 5 years, is ridiculous in your 20s. You don’t know where you’ll be in 5 years, that’s a lifetime away. I realised recently that we’ve lived in our home for almost 10.. how can that be? I’ve been making YouTube videos for 16… but I’m only 25!!! So it’s not so strange that we pick up gardening in midlife really. It’s not just that we’re boring and old, it’s that we see time differently. But how does this relate to money? I’m so glad you asked. We saw someone in a flash car yesterday and Lee said, ‘as you get older, a car payment on that makes less and less sense.’ - same logic, but in reverse. When you’re young, you’re living for the moment. Savings and pensions are something for your adult self to think about, you’re still just a kid - but now you have access to money, sometimes money you don’t even have.Taking out 5 year finance on something is not just easy, it's not just instant gratification, you have no frame of reference for what they really means. 5 years is a social construct.. time isn’t real. You don’t know how it will feel to have a payment taken from you for SIXTY MONTHS. I got myself in some sticky situations as a kid. When I turned 18, I said yes to every line of credit that was offered and I wasn’t earning a great deal. This was pre-2008, when banks were even less scrupulous about lending .. but that was a problem for another day, it would be fine. I ended up with an £8000 consolidation loan at 20, and absolutely nothing to show for it. You’d think I’d learn.. but no. I kept repeating the cycle of getting in debt, working hard to pay it off, getting in debt.. etc etc.. Once I was diagnosed with ADHD, a little switch flipped in me. I had been operating at a deficit. I didn’t have the same tools as everyone else. I wasn’t a failure, I was set up to struggle. Something about that helped me to see things more clearly. Once you know the problem, its easier to imagine a solution. Beyond that, I was in my late 30s and I was just sick of myself. I didn’t want to keep doing what I’d been doing.. it was miserable to feel like I couldn’t just get my s**t together like everyone else. I decided I wanted to get a handle on my finances and I started looking through everything I was spending. Now, this is a long game, I’m still very much a work in progress, but this is how it began. I recognised some patterns, set myself some goals and challenges myself to spend less. I started looking through previous years and kicking myself for the money I’d wasted. ‘If I had that money now’ I thought. Where did it all go? At the time, it felt fluid and free, it felt like I had infinite years to earn money so, who cares? Turns out, it was me.. just later.Now, I look at the money coming in, the money I’m wasting on interest, the money I’m paying in to my pension at work… I’m realising what it cost me in the long term to never consider the future. My mindset is completely different. I don’t want to live in my overdraft anymore. I don’t want to have to work forever. I don’t want to have to always be worrying about making payments. Now 5 years doesn’t feel so long away.I didn’t see the point in saving money for a rainy day because I hadn’t experienced enough of them. Now I stop myself from picking up those cute pillows or that lamp because it’s not just £50, it’s £50 every time you go in that shop and that’s £200 a month, and that’s £2,400 a year… and it’s probably all on a credit card. I am struggling with the yolo on experiences right now, because I told myself to do more with this big birthday year, but I’ve checked myself and reigned it in. Checking my budget every month and where my money is going has made me want to see that number going down more that I want to get that dopamine hit from the impulse buy. I started my first every regular saver last year that I actually stuck to, and at the end of the year I had a large chunk to put towards my tax bill - which I paid on time for maybe the first time. I’ve started putting random sums in a different saver this year, because we have a big holiday coming and I don’t want to be scrambling for cash.. I want to already have it. I don’t want to be relying on my overdraft, I want to have planned ahead. I am sowing seeds because I know that 6 months is no time at all. If it’s no time at all, I can afford to tighten the purse strings for that long, and I will see those savings come to fruition on the other side of the summer. The Summer holidays used to be LONG, now they feel like, blink and you’ll miss them. So, it’s not just that we’re getting boring in our older age, it’s that we can play this tape to the end. ‘Later’ comes around sooner than you think. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit mikhila.substack.comToday’s episode is on the heels of a particularly rude run of interactions on social media this week, some of the conversations that followed and how I am (and I wish I was) dealing with criticism of my life and the way I show up online. Nobody’s voice should be louder than yours in your own head.

Today we’re talking about why comparing yourself to the school gate mums (or worst still ONLINE mums) is not only pointless, but also not fair to anyone. We’re all parenting selfishly, you just have to recognise it and LET GO of your guilt for not doing the things you hate. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit mikhila.substack.comToday we’re talking about the difference between wanting to be seen and wanting to be HEARD and why women are raised to think attention seeking is a negative trait while men are encouraged to be bold and assertive.

I am not above enjoying some internet commentary. I like to see someone who’s manipulating their audience be called out for their deception, but has it gone too far? It feels like everyone’s an influencer in 2026. Anyone can access affiliate marketing, every brand has some kind of ‘refer a friend’ scheme and there’s no way you don’t know someone in an MLM.So when I see whole channels dedicated to denouncing the ‘influencer industry’ my one and only question is, WHO ARE THEY? Because someone with an audience who is creating content about influencers, is themselves also an influencer.. are they not? If you share an opinion online and have a substantial number of eyes on you, aren’t you influencing their opinions?I’m pre-determined to be irritated, having just accepted that what was once a blogger is now an influencer, only to be told I’m the worst kind of person. I’ve waxed on about my disdain for TikTok and how that platform became a marketplace overnight and changed the culture of social media.. so I am not surprised by the harsh take, more trying to determine whether there’s any way to escape from the building before it collapses with me inside. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit mikhila.substack.comToday’s episode was triggered by Hilary Duff’s new album. She has a few songs about family estrangement and, having a lot of experience in this area myself, I thought it was worth talking about. It’s often talked about as a ‘trend’ since it’s picked up on social media but is it? Or is it just more socially acceptable to talk about it than it once was?

AD - If you’ve been looking to get control of your own finances, consider Xero software. It pulls through every transaction automatically and helps you identify your patterns so much more easily than a bank statement. Get 90% off your first 6 months with this link https://referrals.xero.com/8220vlzjml8dToday, we’re talking about MONEY. So uncomfortable, right? Whether you have it or not, it’s not something we love to chat about but we should. When something’s a dirty little secret, it starts to feel shameful, and if you have struggled with your finances, it discourages you from facing the problem to fix it. Additionally, women hear messaging about men being ‘better with money’ from such an early age and it’s just not true. It’s personality based at best and environmental at worst. We can choose to change that mindset, but we have to start talking first. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

Have I spoken about this already? Once I started, I felt like we’d already done an episode on it but IF I HAVEN’T, I’ll do a full follow up with a ‘guest’ because I LOVE the topic of the Law of Attraction and I think it’s better demonstrated in conversation than anything else. If you have any of your own examples or questions, send them over and I’ll include them in that episode This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit mikhila.substack.comThis was a particularly low energy episode.. but that was kind of the point. It’s hard to see it in yourself but vlogging every day this month has forced me to see myself in my life every day. The lack of motivation and convincing myself it was just too cold to get ‘dressed’ has to end with February.I cant control many things but I can force some change…

Parenting is SO hard at the best of times, but when you feel like the decisions you’re making will have a longer impact, when you have no time to fix things.. that’s when it can feel impossible. Today I’m talking about counselling your kids through the teenage years, choices at school, helping them decide what they want to be when they grow up. We will never know how much or how little our kids need us to push or whether we did the right thing. Going through this from the other side also helped me give my own parents some grace . We’re all just living for the first time, after all. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit mikhila.substack.comI want to be clear.. I don’t hate how I look, I’ve always had a pretty healthy body image. I obviously don’t always LOVE how I look, but I' don’t feel awful about myself by any means. That said, sometimes something gets in my psyche and plants a seed. This week, that seed was Sydney Sweeney.

I’m on a bit of a mission this year. From my home to my mind, I want to feel lighter and more organised by the end of it.. so I’m digging through the rubbish. What can stay and what can go? Can I live with this or do I need to move it on?I have my fair share of undesirable personality traits but a lot of them, I’ve realised, make me who I am.. hopefully balanced out with some more positive elements. Deciding what’s truly a flaw I need to work on can be tricky at 40. I know myself best now and some of the things I would have changed 10 years ago, I quite like now. Today I’m talking about ‘oversharing’. Very apt for this heart-on-my-sleeve podcast. Is oversharing something I absolutely need to get a handle on or can it actually serve a purpose? Can it help you find your people while weeding out the ones you really don’t want around? This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit mikhila.substack.comToday’s episode it just for my paid members because it feels a little safer sharing vulnerable, personal stories behind a paywall. That makes absolutely no sense.. but trust me, this is a WHISPER in my mindSometimes, when you’re still thinking about something that happened 20 years go, it means the relationship has lasted far longer than it should have.…

The main takeaway from this episode is that ALL THOSE HOURS I spent trying to painstakingly level our voices when we used to remotely record podcasts together was POINTLESS because this was recorded on my phone and we were equidistant from the mic. I am just LOUD!Second to that, I think it IS true that we care less about perception as we age, but maybe in different ways. And the people pleasing is still something you have to actively decide to work on. Overall, I’m only excited to get older (inside) but am yet to loosen my grasp on that outer youth that I can feel (and see) slipping away from me already.Thanks to Emma for joining me for this one. She’s recently joined substack so go and follow her to see what she posts - It’s Em Channel This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This episode is entirely inspired by a chapter in Amy Poehler’s book, Yes, Please! Call your parents today and ask them to tell you about the day you were born. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

Today’s episode is a run through of items I wish I could go back and tell my 30 year old self on my 40th birthday.I was putting this one off so here’s the off the cuff version.. possibly to be updated when the pressure is off This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This episode was wholly inspired by Cass from Clutter Bug - check her out here - and the final nail in my overwhelm coffin. I cannot tell you how much lighter I feel for doing this and, for those of you who I’ve encouraged to watch that documentary - BUY NOW on Netflix - know that there’s a BALANCE to be found! This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This episode was inspired by a DM exchange I had with someone who also struggles with ADHD and the emotional dysregulation side of things. She asked how to be better, be more compassionate and be more open (less negative) when her partner does feel like sharing with her. I thought it was a great jumping off point for a chat today. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe