Attach Together

Attachment theory, attachment styles, relationships and therapy all shape how clients experience food, soothing and care. In this episode of Attach Together, Darren is joined by therapist, supervisor and Optima tutor Jo Oxley to explore attachment and disordered eating through an attachment-informed lens.Attachment and disordered eating is not only about food choices. It can reflect early relational experiences around feeding, comfort, attunement, shame, reward, control and soothing. Jo explores how food may become more than nutrition: it can carry memories of care, absence, pressure, comfort, deprivation or emotional survival.In this episodeJo and Darren explore how feeding is one of the earliest attachment experiences we have, and how those moments can shape internal working models around safety, need, nurture and self-soothing. The conversation also considers how family dinner-table dynamics, emotional neglect, reward systems, and modern digital distractions may all influence a person’s relationship with food.🔎What you’ll learnHow feeding becomes an early relational experience, not just a biological oneWhy food can become linked to comfort, soothing and emotional survivalThe role of family dinner-table dynamics in shaping later food patternsWhy food may function as a substitute attachment figureThe difference between disordered eating and a formal eating disorderHow shame, guilt, reward and self-denial can become entangled with eatingWhether different insecure attachment styles may relate differently to foodHow therapists can work with clients who bring food into the therapy room🕝 Chapters00:00 Introduction01:24 Why explore attachment and food?03:00 Feeding as an early attachment experience06:19 Family dinner tables and relational meaning08:23 Phones, disconnection and food rituals10:09 Food as soothing, reward and shame12:16 Food addiction and emotional regulation17:53 Which attachment styles are most affected?20:35 Therapeutic takeaway for practitioners23:25 Dilemma: client eating during the session28:21 Training opportunities at Optima31:47 Closing reflectionsCommon questionsWhat is attachment and disordered eating?It is the link between early attachment experiences and later patterns of using food for comfort, control, soothing or emotional survival.How does attachment affect eating patterns?Attachment affects how people regulate distress, seek comfort, experience need and relate to care. Food may become a way to manage feelings when relational soothing feels unavailable or unsafe.How can disordered eating show up in therapy?Clients may describe bingeing, yo-yo dieting, guilt around food, using food as reward, or bringing food into sessions as a form of comfort, defence or relational support.What should therapists listen for?Listen for the story beneath the food: early feeding experiences, family dynamics, shame, comfort, self-worth, loneliness, stress and unmet relational needs.🎓Resources Mentioned• Optima Level 5 & Level 7 Diplomas in Attachment Theory & Attachment-Based PsychotherapyLinda Cundy — Love in a Digital AgeFREE CPD Certificate & Reflection PackYou can download the FREE CPD Certificate for this episode via our website www.optimahealthservices.co.uk and join our listener list to receive the Reflection Pack for future episodes.

🎓 Get your CPD certificate from our website.Attachment Supervision for Therapists: Understanding Attachment Styles in Therapy & Professional RelationshipsAttachment theory, attachment styles, relationships, and therapy all come together in this episode as we explore supervision through an attachment-informed lens. Rather than viewing supervision purely as a space for guidance and skill development, this conversation reframes it as a deeply relational process rooted in attachment dynamics.Darren is joined by Georgina Sturmer, BACP-accredited psychotherapist, supervisor, and lecturer in attachment-based psychotherapy, to explore how supervision functions as both a secure base and safe haven for therapists.🔎What You'll Learn1. Supervision as a Secure BaseSupervision provides a foundation for exploration and growthTherapists need emotional safety to reflect honestlyCo-regulation enhances clinical thinking and presence2. Attachment Styles in SupervisionAnxious (preoccupied) supervisees may seek reassuranceAvoidant (dismissive) supervisees may intellectualise and avoid emotional reflectionSecure supervision supports flexibility across all functions3. The “Attachment Dance”Dynamics between supervisor and supervisee mirror relational patternsGroup supervision introduces systemic attachment processesAwareness reduces blind spots in clinical work4. The Three Functions of Supervision Through an Attachment LensRestorative (emotional support)Normative (ethical accountability)Formative (learning and development)Attachment styles influence where therapists feel most comfortable.🕝Chapters00:00 Introduction to Attachment Supervision02:00 Supervision as a Relational Space03:45 Secure Base & Safe Haven in Supervision06:00 Attachment Styles in Supervisees09:00 The Attachment Dance in Supervision12:00 Avoidant vs Anxious Dynamics14:30 Choosing a Supervisor17:30 Listener Dilemma: Avoiding Challenges in Supervision20:00 Final ReflectionsCommon QuestionsWhat is attachment supervision in therapy?Attachment supervision in therapy is a relational approach to supervision that considers how attachment styles influence the supervisory relationship and clinical reflection.How do attachment styles affect supervision?Attachment styles shape how therapists engage in supervision, including their comfort with feedback, emotional reflection, and vulnerability.Why is supervision a relational space?Supervision involves attunement, trust, and co-regulation, making it similar to therapy in its relational depth.How can supervision improve therapy outcomes?When therapists feel safe and supported, they can reflect more deeply, leading to more effective and ethical client work.FREE CPD Certificate & Reflection PackYou can download the FREE CPD Certificate for this episode via our website www.optimahealthservices.co.uk and join our listener list to receive the Reflection Pack for future episodes.

🎓 Get your CPD certificate from our website.Attachment theory, attachment styles, relationships, and therapy are all deeply connected through the concept of mentalization in therapy. In this episode of Attach Together, Darren is joined by Joanne Kay, psychodynamic and attachment-based therapist and Level 5 trainer, to explore one of the most essential - and often misunderstood - processes in attachment-informed practice.Mentalization in therapy refers to our ability to make sense of our own internal world while also holding the mind of another person. It is a foundational capacity that develops within early attachment relationships and directly impacts how clients engage in therapy, relationships, and emotional regulation.🔎What You’ll LearnWhat mentalization actually means in clinical practiceHow mentalization develops through early attachment relationshipsThe difference between baseline (trait) and moment-to-moment (state) mentalizingWhy mentalization collapses under stress and dysregulationThe link between nervous system regulation and reflective capacityHow therapists can adopt a not-knowing stanceRecognising when certainty replaces curiosity in the therapy roomWorking with “resistance” through a mentalizing lensThe role of supervision in restoring reflective thinking🕝Chapters00:00 Introduction01:24 What is Mentalization?03:09 Mentalization as Attachment Process05:50 Not-Knowing Stance in Therapy07:46 Development in Early Relationships09:29 Trait vs State Mentalization11:55 Regulation and Mentalizing14:00 Ruptures in Therapy16:54 Core Definition18:46 Client “Resistance” Explored21:05 Therapist Self-Reflection23:05 Supervision and MentalizingCommon QuestionsWhat is mentalization in therapy?Mentalization in therapy is the ability to understand thoughts, feelings, and intentions in ourselves and others within relational contexts.How does mentalization affect relationships?It allows individuals to interpret behaviour with curiosity rather than assumption, improving emotional connection and reducing conflict.Why does mentalization collapse under stress?Because dysregulation activates survival responses, limiting access to reflective thinking and higher brain integration.How can therapists support mentalization?By prioritising regulation, maintaining a not-knowing stance, and modelling curiosity in the therapeutic relationship.🎓Resources Mentioned• Optima Level 5 & Level 7 Diplomas in Attachment Theory & Attachment-Based PsychotherapyBowlby - Attachment TheoryPeter Fonagy - Attachment Theory and PsychoanalysisFREE CPD Certificate & Reflection PackYou can download the FREE CPD Certificate for this episode via our website www.optimahealthservices.co.uk and join our listener list to receive the Reflection Pack for future episodes.

🎓 Get your CPD certificate from our website.Understanding Attachment Styles, Mentalisation & RelationshipsHow do attachment relationships shape the development of theory of mind?In this episode of Attach Together - an attachment theory podcast for therapists, Darren and Jo explore the relationship between attachment theory, theory of mind, emotional regulation and relational development.Theory of mind - sometimes called mentalisation - is the ability to understand that other people have their own thoughts, feelings, beliefs and intentions.Through an attachment lens, this capacity develops within secure caregiving relationships. When caregivers respond sensitively and reflectively, children begin to understand both their own mind and the minds of others.But when early attachment experiences are marked by anxiety, disconnection or emotional overwhelm, this developmental process can be interrupted.For therapists working with attachment styles and relational patterns, understanding theory of mind provides powerful insight into:emotional regulationrelational misunderstandingsperspective takingtherapeutic stucknessThis conversation also explores how therapists can help clients develop theory of mind within the therapeutic relationship.Jo shares practical clinical insights including Daniel Siegel’s hand-brain model, ways to bring the prefrontal cortex back online, and how calming the nervous system allows clients to think about minds more reflectively.The episode finishes with a clinical dilemma many therapists will recognise: The client who is always late.Through an attachment-informed perspective, the discussion explores how lateness might relate to:avoidance strategiesanxiety about emotional closenesspractical life pressurestherapeutic pacing and safety🔎Key Takeaways for Therapists• Attachment theory provides the soil in which theory of mind develops• Secure caregiving supports the ability to understand other minds• Anxiety can take the thinking brain offline• Regulation helps restore reflective capacity• Therapy can help clients develop mentalisation later in life• Slowing the therapeutic pace can support relational safety🕝 Chapters00:00 Introduction to the Attach Together Podcast01:40 What Is Theory of Mind in Attachment Theory?04:00 How Children Develop Theory of Mind06:10 The Famous Smarties Experiment Explained08:20 Attachment Security & Mentalisation10:45 The Hand Brain Model (Daniel Siegel)13:20 Anxiety, Cortisol & the Thinking Brain15:00 Regulation Techniques for Clients17:00 Using Theory of Mind in Therapy21:40 Therapist Dilemma — The Client Who Is Always Late24:00 Avoidant Attachment & Therapy Engagement26:00 Final Takeaway for Therapists🎓Resources Mentioned• Daniel Siegel - Hand Brain Model• Simon Baron-Cohen - Theory of Mind ResearchFREE CPD Certificate & Reflection PackYou can download the FREE CPD Certificate for this episode via our website www.optimahealthservices.co.uk and join our listener list to receive the Reflection Pack for future episodes.

🎓 Get your CPD certificate from our website.Understanding Disorganised Attachment in Relationships, Trauma & Attachment-Informed TherapyDisorganised attachment is one of the most complex and misunderstood attachment styles in attachment theory.In this episode of Attach Together, Darren is joined by counsellor and attachment-based psychotherapist Gav McKee to explore how disorganised attachment develops, how it shapes adult relationships, and how therapists can work safely and effectively with clients who carry unresolved attachment trauma.For therapists working with trauma, personality disorder presentations, complex PTSD, or dissociation, understanding this attachment style is essential.This conversation explores the clinical realities of working with unresolved attachment in therapy, including relational dynamics, emotional dysregulation, dissociation, and the importance of pacing and safety.🔎What You'll Learn• What disorganised attachment is and how it develops• The research of Mary Ainsworth, Mary Main and Judith Solomon• The concept of fright without solution in attachment theory• How trauma can be transmitted across generations• Why disorganised attachment often appears alongside complex PTSD• The push-pull dynamic often seen in adult relationships• Emotional flooding, dissociation and shame in attachment trauma• Why safety and stabilisation must come before trauma processing• How therapists can become a consistent and regulating relational presenceClinical Takeaways for Therapists• Disorganised attachment often originates when the caregiver is both comfort and threat• Clients may experience intense approach-avoid patterns in relationships• Emotional dysregulation and dissociation are common presentations• Therapy must prioritise relational safety before trauma processing• The therapeutic relationship itself becomes a corrective attachment experience🕝Chapters00:00 Introduction to the Attachment Theory Podcast01:40 What Is Disorganised Attachment?03:25 Fright Without Solution Explained06:52 Intergenerational Trauma and Attachment08:34 How Disorganised Attachment Appears in Adults11:29 Relationship Patterns and Emotional Dysregulation13:17 Working Safely with Disorganised Attachment15:19 The Therapist as a Secure Base18:55 Can Disorganised Attachment Be Resolved?23:34 Clinical Dilemma: Dissociation in Therapy26:02 Grounding Clients in the Therapy Room27:11 The Value of Attachment Training27:11 The Value of Attachment Training🎓Resources Mentioned• Mary Ainsworth – Strange Situation research• Mary Main & Judith Solomon – Disorganised attachment classificationFREE CPD Certificate & Reflection PackYou can download the FREE CPD Certificate for this episode via our website www.optimahealthservices.co.uk and join our listener list to receive the Reflection Pack for future episodes.

🎓 Get your CPD certificate from our website.Preoccupied Attachment, Attachment Theory, Therapy & RelationshipsIn this episode of Attach Together - the attachment theory podcast for counsellors and psychotherapists, we explore anxious ambivalent attachment, often described as preoccupied attachment.We explore how anxious ambivalent attachment develops, how it appears in adult relationships, and how therapists can support clients experiencing intense relational anxiety, reassurance seeking and fear of abandonment.Host Darren, BACP-accredited counsellor and attachment-based psychotherapist, is joined by Uruj Anjum, BACP-accredited psychotherapist, supervisor and lecturer in attachment-based psychotherapy at Optima.Together, they unpack:• What preoccupied attachment means beyond the stereotype• How inconsistent caregiving shapes anxious ambivalent attachment• Why reassurance seeking and overthinking often appear in relationships• The nervous system dynamics beneath attachment anxiety• Why preoccupied clients are often drawn to therapy• The therapeutic task of slowing emotional overwhelm• Boundary management with reassurance-seeking clients• Understanding the “doorknob confession” through an attachment lens🔎What You'll LearnPreoccupied attachment is protection, not pathologyClients with anxious attachment styles often developed sophisticated strategies in childhood to maintain closeness with unpredictable caregivers.Emotional intensity reflects attachment alarm.When connection feels uncertain, the attachment system activates strongly - creating hypervigilance to tone, messages and relational shifts.Therapy focuses on containment and mentalisation.Slowing down emotional overwhelm allows clients to move from pure emotional activation toward reflective thinking.Boundaries create safetyMaintaining consistent boundaries is a crucial part of providing a secure therapeutic base.🕝Chapters:00:00 Introduction to the Attach Together Podcast02:10 What Is Preoccupied Attachment?04:50 Fear of Abandonment in Attachment Styles07:00 How Anxious Ambivalent Attachment Develops10:20 The “Full Fridge” Metaphor Explained11:27 Working With Preoccupied Clients in Therapy13:40 Slowing Down Emotional Overwhelm16:00 Repetition and Circular Narratives in Therapy18:20 Boundaries With Preoccupied Clients20:05 Therapist Dilemma: The Doorknob Confession22:20 Maintaining Boundaries in Session24:50 Why Boundaries Matter for Clients25:20 Closing ReflectionsFREE CPD Certificate & Reflection PackYou can download the FREE CPD Certificate for this episode via our website www.optimahealthservices.co.uk and join our listener list to receive the Reflection Pack for future episodes.🎓 Resources MentionedOptima Level 5 & Level 7 Diplomas in Attachment Theory & Attachment-Based PsychotherapyBowlby - Attachment TheoryIf this episode supported your practice, follow the podcast and share it with a colleague interested in attachment theory and attachment styles in therapy.

🎓 Get your CPD certificate from our website.In this episode of Attach Together, we explore one of the most misunderstood attachment styles: avoidant attachment.What does avoidant attachment really mean from an attachment theory perspective? How does it show up in the therapy room? And how can therapists build connection without overwhelming clients who experience closeness as unsafe?Darren and Georgina unpack:How avoidant attachment develops in early caregiving environmentsWhy “independence” can actually be compulsive self-relianceThe emotional cost of being praised for stoicismWhat therapists feel in the room (countertransference clues)Humour, intellectualising and distance as protective strategiesHow to work slowly and relationally to build safetyWhen boundary-testing may signal growth, not resistanceDrawing on attachment theory, relational practice and insights from John Bowlby and Stan Tatkin, this episode offers grounded, practical reflections for counsellors, psychotherapists, psychologists and trainees.If you’ve ever felt deskilled, distanced or unsure how to “reach” an avoidant client - this conversation will reassure and guide you.🔎 What You’ll LearnWhat Avoidant Attachment Really IsNot procrastination. Not laziness. But a protective relational strategy shaped by early experiences where emotions felt unsafe or unwelcome.Clues in the Therapy RoomFlat affect, humour, intellectualising, minimising, brief communication - and the therapist’s own felt sense of distance.Why We Must Go SlowlyBuilding safety may mean resisting the urge to “go to feelings” too quickly.Compulsive Self-Reliance vs True IndependenceHow attachment patterns are reinforced by societal praise - and the hidden emotional cost.Boundaries & Contact Between SessionsWhy an avoidant client reaching out may represent relational growth - and how to respond in an attachment-informed way.⏱ Chapters00:00 – Introduction to the Attachment & Relationships Podcast02:00 – What is Avoidant Attachment?05:00 – Why Avoidant Clients Rarely Seek Therapy08:00 – Building Safety Before Emotion11:00 – Humour, Deflection & Therapist Spidey Senses15:00 – Compulsive Self-Reliance Explained18:00 – Moving Beyond Defences21:00 – Dilemma: Clients Contacting You Between Sessions25:00 – Attachment-Informed Boundaries28:00 – Level 5 & Level 7 Diplomas in Attachment-Based Psychotherapy🎓 Resources MentionedOptima Level 5 & Level 7 Diplomas in Attachment Theory & Attachment-Based PsychotherapyRestoring Your Secure Base: Attachment-Informed Therapist RetreatIf this episode supported your practice, follow the podcast and share it with a colleague interested in attachment theory and attachment styles in therapy.

Internal Working Models in Attachment Theory: What They Are and How Therapy Updates ThemGet your CPD Certificate HereIn this episode of Attach Together, Darren is joined by Jo Oxley (founder of Optima) to unpack one of the most important concepts in attachment-informed practice: internal working models (also called inner working models).Jo explains models are formed and become an unconscious “blueprint” for how we experience ourselves, other people, and relationships. With a wonderfully accessible metaphor (yes, Inside Out makes an appearance), They explore how secure beginnings can build a sense of worth and safety, and how inconsistent or emotionally unavailable care can lead to avoidant or preoccupied strategies in later life.They discuss why shame and fear often sit underneath insecure attachment patterns, and how therapy supports change by building new relational experiences - creating “new pathways” that can gradually replace old default routes.This episode is a grounded, practical listen for counsellors, psychotherapists, trainees, and anyone wanting to understand how attachment patterns show up in real life -and how they can be updated.TakeawaysWhat are Internal Working Models?Understand models as unconscious templates formed through attachment experiences -shaping expectations of self, other, and relationship.Secure vs Insecure: How Early Experiences Become a BlueprintExplore how attuned caregiving tends to support confidence and exploration, and how emotional unavailability or inconsistency can shape threat-based expectations.Avoidant Strategies: “I’ll Cope on My Own”How avoidant patterns develop as a protective strategy when care is unreliable, and why shame can sit underneath self-reliance.Preoccupied Strategies: Fear, Hypervigilance, and Reassurance-SeekingUnderstand inconsistency fuels uncertainty and alarm, often leading to clinging, protest, and push–pull relational dynamics.How Therapy Helps Update IWMWhy change happens in relationship — and how repeated new experiences can build new neural pathways (the “new path through the woods” idea).Therapist Dilemma: When a Client is Distressed by Friendship BreakdownA short reflection on working with relational rupture, meaning-making, and bringing patterns into awareness through the body and the therapeutic relationship.If You Found This Episode Helpful…If this episode supported your practice or your learning, please follow the podcast and share it with a colleague or fellow trainee who enjoys attachment-informed conversations.Resources Mentioned in This EpisodeOptima Training Programmes – Level 5 and Level 7 Diplomas in Attachment Theory and Attachment-Based Psychotherapy (https://optimahealthservices.co.uk/attachment-psychotherapeutic-counselling-level-5-diploma-cpcab/)Restoring Your Secure Base: Attachment-Informed Therapist Retreat – A two-day retreat with teaching, reflection, rest, and CPD https://optimahealthservices.co.uk/therapist-retreat/There is a CPD reflection pack available if you would like this please click this link and we will send you all the resources including, reflective questions, 3 things to try in your practice and insights.

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The conversation explores the impact of trauma and attachment in psychotherapy, emphasizing the importance of understanding attachment styles and working with clients to build trust and regulate emotions. It also delves into the role of the therapist's attachment style and the significance of self-awareness and self-care in the therapeutic process.TakeawaysTrauma and attachment play a significant role in shaping clients' behaviors and emotional responses.Understanding the therapist's attachment style and practicing self-awareness and self-care are crucial in providing effective therapy.Chapters00:00 Introduction to Psychotherapy for Counsellors08:42 Challenges in Working with Insecure Attachment14:55 Managing Trauma in the Therapy Room25:50 Therapist's Attachment Style and Boundaries32:25 Conclusion and Takeaways