Better Sex

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Michelle Fischler about her upcoming book, “Coming Soon: The Unshaming Guide to Early Ejaculation and Lasting Longer,” arguing early/rapid ejaculation is fundamentally a shame issue and nervous system pattern, not a performance problem. Fischler describes how cultural messages about masculinity, family, media, and porn create meaning-making that turns timing into identity-based shame, which undermines follow-through on techniques. She outlines an “unshaming” process that externalizes shame by noticing it in the body, building awareness and safety, and then adding strategies such as diaphragmatic breathing (linked to reduced arousal and longer latency), mindfulness, solo practice with start–pause training, sensate focus–informed couple exercises, communication, and options like SSRIs and desensitizing sprays. She emphasizes sex as a “team sport,” pleasure over timing, and practical resources available at getsome.ca.00:00 Show Intro and Guest01:20 Michelle Origin Story03:55 Rapid Ejaculation and Shame08:24 Where Masculinity Myths Come From10:58 Unshaming Through the Body14:19 Therapy Example Externalizing Shame18:41 Sponsor Break Desire Discrepancy19:07 New Narrative and Root Messages21:52 Anxiety Nervous System and Breath25:14 Safety and Context26:54 Partner Involvement28:45 Communication Over Timing30:04 Evidence Based Tools31:19 Mindfulness and Practice33:46 Solo Training Methods35:41 Couples Sensate Focus37:29 Presence Not Distraction39:24 Shame Is Universal40:20 Book Launch and Resources44:30 Website and Tools45:59 Closing and CreditsAll of Jessa's resources for mismatched libido can be found at https://www.desirediscrepancy.comBio:Michelle Fischler, RSW, RP, is an ASTO Certified Sex Therapist with over a decade of clinical experience, educator, and founder of GETSOME (https://getsome.ca/), a platform and podcast dedicated to dissolving sexual shame. She believes that when we unshame sex, we free people not just in bed, but in life.Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Sara Perry, a sexological body worker and somatic sex educator, about helping people connect with their bodies, pleasure, and desires and then communicate and negotiate those desires with partners. Sara shares her path from studying psychology of sexuality to critical theory and somatic sex education, and describes how small choices about comfort, environment, and consent can support healing and pleasure. They discuss the Wheel of Consent, focusing on sensation, asking for what you want, and using “yes, and/yes, but” negotiation rather than shutting down with a simple no. Using examples like cuckolding and other fetishes, Sara emphasizes pacing, avoiding pressure and fatigue, separating fantasy from real-life intent, and building safety over time. They also cover non-monogamy, jealousy and compersion, the need for ongoing conversation and support groups, and Sara’s nonprofit Box of Life and her Haven Space Coaching practice.00:00 Show Intro00:45 Meet Sarah Perry01:27 Sarah’s Origin Story04:11 Sexuality Can Heal05:55 Somatic Pleasure Practice08:36 Desire In Relationship09:23 Wheel of Consent Basics10:55 Ask For What You Want13:27 When Desires Clash14:56 Cuckolding Example16:50 Sponsor Break17:18 How To Bring It Up17:50 Somatic Setup For Talks19:35 Fantasy Talk Strategies21:22 Receiving Kink Confessions21:51 Curiosity Over Shame22:38 Fruit Fetish Example23:47 Yes But Negotiations25:48 Roleplay Versus Reality26:50 Cuckolding Roadmap28:58 Fetish Fatigue Cycles30:45 Non Monogamy Option33:06 Jealousy And Compersion35:13 Support Groups And Boundaries36:07 Keep The Conversation Alive37:19 Box Of Life Charity39:25 Where To Find Them40:26 Podcast Closing Creditsboxoflife.orghavenspacecoaching.comWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman welcomes back Candace Sjogren, author of "Polyagony," to discuss how parents can navigate consensual non-monogamy with children. They emphasize that many parents don’t plan for integrating relationship structure with parenting, especially when opening a relationship after having kids, and that conversations must be age-appropriate, focused on safety, love, and belonging—not sex. Sjogren describes “slow roll” disclosure (different families, dates, “special friends,” then partners), highlights risks when children discover things via technology or accidental exposure, and recommends poly-informed therapy and child-centered approaches like play-based talks, giving kids agency over privacy and introductions, and reinforcing special one-on-one time. They also cover introducing partners, cohabitation (roommate framing, separate space), agreements about roles, and recovery after mistakes, with the key takeaway to move slowly and be discerning about what children need to know.00:00 Show Intro00:46 Why Poly Parenting Matters03:50 Most Parents Don’t Plan05:35 Age Appropriate Disclosure09:48 Out or Keep It Private11:43 Telling Teens After Opening Up13:58 Helping Kids Process15:54 Kids’ Privacy and Boundaries18:05 Agency and Parent First19:29 Giving Kids Control20:40 Special Time and Jealousy22:08 Introducing Partners Gently25:53 Moving In and Boundaries27:24 Parenting Roles and Agreements30:26 Real World Mistakes33:07 Key Takeaways and ResourcesWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman returns with a soapbox episode on desire discrepancy, focusing on heterosexual relationships where the woman is the higher desire partner. She explains that mismatched desire is normal and common, and that gender doesn’t determine who wants more sex; in her practice, one-third to one-half of hetero couples have a higher desire woman. Because this dynamic conflicts with cultural myths that men always want sex, both partners can feel extra broken: men may feel ashamed, pressured, and avoid sex, while women may doubt their attractiveness, resent having to initiate, or even worry their partner is gay. Zimmerman says the solutions are the same: identify obstacles (including myths), understand reactive desire in men, reduce pass/fail pressure, and learn how to access arousal and desire.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:45 Soapbox Episode Setup01:01 Desire Discrepancy Basics01:33 Gender Myths and Reality02:23 Why Couples Feel Broken03:00 Pressure on Low Desire Men04:03 High Desire Women Doubts04:46 When She Wonders He's Gay05:28 What Actually Helps05:38 Understanding Reactive Desire05:44 Lowering Pressure and Finding Turn On06:27 Closing and Where to Find MoreWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Host Jessa Zimmerman interviews New York City sex therapist and trainer Sari Cooper about how sexual stigma and shame are shaped by culture, religion, family dynamics, and implicit messages like silence or lack of affection modeling. Cooper shares her background from a liberal upbringing and modern dance into a helping profession where sex felt taboo, and discusses nuanced bicultural and first-generation experiences, including how differing immigration stories within the same culture can affect sexual expectations. They explore how shame can show up in issues like masturbation and orgasm avoidance, and how the internet can both improve access to sex education and distort expectations through porn and social media trends. Cooper describes helping clients evaluate which rituals and beliefs remain meaningful without dismissing heritage, emphasizes taking a thorough sexual history and practicing curiosity in couples work, and explains her Erotic Intimacy Academy training (SEEIT) and the value of SAR-style self-exploration for therapists.00:00 Show Intro00:44 Meet Sari Cooper01:26 Why Stigma Matters03:56 Culture Religion Messages07:19 Family Silence Modeling10:42 Rituals And First Period13:13 Hidden Shame In Therapy15:31 Internet Porn Social Shifts19:24 Midroll Quiz Break19:50 Gen Z Sex Dating Choices21:29 Parenthood Decisions Trauma22:51 Family Trauma And Genetics23:30 Dating Apps And Disconnection25:01 Avoiding Apps After Burnout25:20 Shame Stigma And Culture28:43 Purity Culture And Loss31:36 Couples Across Cultures34:33 Sex Seam Model And Training35:52 Therapist Comfort And SAR38:04 Where To Find Sari39:35 Podcast Wrap UpJessa's quizzes are available at https://www.desirediscepancy.comBio:Sari Cooper is an AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist & Supervisor and Founder and Director of the Center for Love and Sex (CLS), a boutique group practice specializing in sex therapy, couples counseling, and individual clients challenged with erotic and sexual disorders. She created Sex Esteem, LLC to provide coaching, books, blogs, and Talks to the public on critical, cutting-edge insight on how to center one’s sexual pleasure in dating, ‘relationshipping,’ and mating. Her Sex Esteem® blog has been read by over 1,000,000 readers, and you can follow her @saricooperofficial on Instagram and FB and on Linkedin: linkedin.com/in/-sari-cooper-center-for-love-and-sex. www.centerforloveandsex.comWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassThanks for reading Intimacy with Ease! This post is public so feel free to share it. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe