Am I The Problem?

Everything online says go no contact. But what if you can't? This week's listener shares custody of her seven year old with her ex, which means handovers every week, parents evenings, school plays, birthdays, and a dig every single time. Nothing anyone else would call a dig. A comment about how tired she looks. A mention that their son said he'd rather stay at his dad's. Then she goes home and it's all she can think about for the rest of the night.In this episode Helen looks at why those small comments land so hard, why they're built so that reacting makes you look like the problem, and what they're really for. She explains dog whistling, the smear campaign that usually runs alongside it, and why the rumination afterwards might be about more than the comment. Then the practical bit: parallel parenting rather than co-parenting, what to say on the doorstep (and what never to say), why no reaction works and what to expect when you start, and how to protect your child's experience of handover.This one is for anyone who would like to go no contact but can't, whatever the reason.Contains strong language.Is This A Thing? this week is on dog whistling: what it is, how it works, and how to respond. Is This A Thing? is available on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, or for Foundation tier and above members of The Hub (liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hub).Send Helen your question for a future episode: https://liberationacademy.co.uk/podcast/The Hub: liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hubLiberation Academy: www.liberationacademy.co.ukAperio Profiles: aperioprofiles.co.ukThe Ted Lasso scene Helen mentions is from Season 2, Episode 10, "No Weddings and a Funeral".If anything in this episode feels close to home, you don't have to work it out on your own. Your GP or local mental health services are a good place to start. If you are in immediate danger, call 999.

A listener writes in about growing up with a parent who was controlling, critical and sometimes physically abusive, and who scrutinised her weight from childhood. She has built a life she is happy with, but now her other parent is seriously ill, and her difficult parent, who is caring for them, phones almost daily to complain. They feel better afterwards, while she feels anxious and unable to sleep. Setting boundaries can bring rage and silent treatment, and she doesn't want to cut either parent off. She wants to know how to have a relationship with the parent she actually has, and how to tell compassion from childhood conditioning.In this episode Helen works through why the real question may be how to grieve the parent you never had, and why that grief is what makes a relationship with the parent you do have possible.Covered in this episode:- Grieving the parent you never had, and why it isn't giving up on the one you have- Parentification, and the "what would my parent think?" voice as a shield- Being the repository for someone else's distress- Compassion versus conditioning, and the question that tells them apart- Why you don't have to choose between taking everything and abandoning them- Quiet boundaries, and what to expect when the old system notices a changeHelen covers parentification in more depth in episode 4 of Is This A Thing?, the paid companion show, available on Apple Podcasts and Spotify or to Foundation tier and above members of The Hub.Got a question you want answered? Use the submission link below, or leave it as a comment wherever you are listening.Submit a Question: https://liberationacademy.co.uk/podcast/The Hub: liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hubAperio Profiles: aperioprofiles.co.ukIf anything in this episode is close to home, please consider contacting your local mental health services or your GP. In an emergency, always 999.

A listener writes in about her dad, who she used to think was the good parent. Her mum stonewalled, gaslit and shamed her and her siblings from the time they were tiny, and her dad never stood up to her, and sometimes even agreed with her to save his own skin. Now a parent herself, she stood up to her tall, large ex-husband whenever he was unkind to their scapegoated child. Every conversation with her dad ends in a row, and she is angrier with him than with her mum. She wants to know how to become less angry with him.In this episode Helen works through why the question may be the wrong way round, why discovering the enabling parent can feel like a second betrayal, and what the anger may actually be protecting.Covered in this episode:- The second betrayal, and why the "safe" parent can hurt the most- Why enabling behaviour serves the enabling parent, and why being abused too does not remove a parent's duty to protect their child- Secondary reactive anger, and what it may be protecting- Toxic hope, intermittent reinforcement and why an apology cannot give you the parent you needed- What to do when the rage starts, and the question to ask yourself afterwards- Three questions to ask before deciding whether to raise it with himHelen covers the enabling parent, and the different types of enabling parent, in more depth in episode 3 of Is This A Thing?, the paid companion show, available on Apple Podcasts and Spotify or to Foundation tier and above members of The Hub.Got a question you want answered? Use the submission link below, or leave it as a comment wherever you are listening.Submit a Question: https://liberationacademy.co.uk/podcast/The Hub: liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hubAperio Profiles: aperioprofiles.co.ukIf anything in this episode is close to home, please consider contacting your local mental health services or your GP. In an emergency, always 999.

A listener who is pregnant with her first baby writes in about her mother. At her wedding, her mum chose the colour scheme, the caterers, the venue and even the dress, and the listener went along with it to keep the peace. Now her mum is pushing for the baby's name, the nursery colour and a place in the delivery room. When the listener said she wanted her husband as her birth partner, her mum called it her right as a mother, then stopped speaking to her for three weeks and told people she was being excluded. Her sister calls her cruel, her dad wants an apology, and her husband is furious. She wants to know who is right, and how to tell her mum to back off without upsetting her.In this episode Helen works through why "without upsetting her" may be the heart of the problem, why a mother's disappointment is not a right to be in the room, and how the silence, the accusations and the calls from the rest of the family add up to a campaign with one aim.Covered in this episode:- Hurting someone versus someone being disappointed that they didn't get their way- Keeping the peace versus keeping other people peaceful, and what giving in teaches- The silent treatment, the guilt trip and "recruitment" (sometimes called flying monkeys)- Why a boundary is not an application for permission, and what to say once, kindly- What to do when the silence arrives, and why timing is yours to pick- Her husband's anger, and why "I want" lands differently from "he wants"Got a question you want answered? Use the submission link below, or leave it as a comment wherever you are listening.Submit a Question: https://liberationacademy.co.uk/podcast/The Hub: liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hubAperio Profiles: aperioprofiles.co.ukIf anything in this episode is close to home, please consider contacting your local mental health services or your GP. In an emergency, always 999.

A listener overhears her husband telling a room full of men he wishes she would lose weight, because he “didn’t sign up for a fat wife”. She says nothing until they get home. He turns on her for eavesdropping, then collapses into how much he hates himself, and she ends the night comforting him. Four weeks later he does it again while she is cooking dinner, and adds that she is going to make the children fat too. She has written in asking whether she is being oversensitive, because she has put on weight, and because he says he is only worried about her.In this episode Helen works through what is actually happening in that pattern: why being overheard is not eavesdropping, why “I didn’t sign up for a fat wife” is a punchline rather than concern, and why a sorry that arrives after the anger has failed is doing the same job the anger was doing.Covered in this episode:Deflection, or what is colloquially called DARVO, and how it moves the argument onto youCompassionate empathy, and how your own empathy gets turned into the thing that silences youIntermittent reinforcement, also called breadcrumbing, and why “he isn’t like that all the time” is a description of the mechanism rather than a defenceMoral justification, and the test that separates real concern from a licence to criticiseWhat an apology is actually worth, where intent matters, and what repair looks like when someone genuinely slipsWhy “oversensitive” is a change of subject, and who has no business deciding the size of your hurtThe peacekeeper role, weaponised incompetence, and the cost of keeping someone else’s peaceFour questions to ask yourself if you are not sure whether you are self-invalidatingHelen covers DARVO and how to respond to it in more depth in episode 1 of Is This A Thing?, the paid companion show, available on Apple Podcasts and Spotify or to Foundation tier and above members of The Hub.Got a question you want answered? Use the submission link below, or leave it as a comment wherever you are listening.Submit a Question: https://liberationacademy.co.uk/podcast/The Hub: liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hubAperio Profiles: aperioprofiles.co.ukIf anything in this episode is close to home and you need support in the UK, Refuge runs a 24 hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247, and Men’s Advice Line is on 0808 801 0327. In an emergency, always 999.