Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse

Walked away feeling like you were the problem? Take the free reflection quiz, Am I Really the Villain? → https://kerrymcavoyphd.com/villain Why is it so hard to walk away from someone who seems so wounded? Falling for a sob story isn’t naïve, and caring was never the mistake. Covert narcissists don’t win you over with charm. They recruit your conscience. In this episode, drawn from a recent live stream, Kerry explains how vulnerable narcissists use pity, crisis, and guilt to make you feel needed, and why that pull is even harder to spot than flattery. Learn the signs that separate someone who truly deserves your concern from someone who’s playing on it. In this episode, learn: 1. Why grandiose narcissists make you feel chosen, while covert narcissists make you feel needed 2. How a sob story opens the door, 3. Why pulling away sets off collapse, guilt campaigns, and crisis 4. How to listen without rushing to rescue, and the two things to watch for 0:00 Have You Ever Felt Sorry for Someone? 1:35 Why Covert Narcissists Are the Hardest to Spot 3:48 Playing the Victim (or the Martyr) 5:44 Chosen vs. Needed 7:07 "Only You Can Help Me": The Trap 8:48 The Prize vs. the Rescuer 10:47 Why It's So Hard to Leave 12:30 What Happens When You Pull Back 13:33 Why Pity Works Better Than Charm 15:20 They Used Your Best Qualities Against You 16:28 The Partner Who Faked an Illness 19:08 How to Tell Who Deserves Your Concern #CovertNarcissist #VulnerableNarcissism #NarcissisticAbuse #NarcissisticAbuseRecovery #EmotionalManipulation #SignsOfANarcissist #NarcissisticRelationship #GuiltTripping #TraumaBond #MentalHealth Resources The Complete Recovery Collection: Narcissistic abuse resources First Steps to Leaving: Online self-paced digital course Toxic-Free Relationship Club: Live coaching & community support Follow Kerry! Youtube Instagram TikTok Facebook Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D., an author and educator, helps listeners decode toxic dynamics, recognize manipulation, and rebuild self-trust. As an Amazon affiliate, commission is earned from qualifying purchases. This podcast/video is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy, counseling, or professional mental health advice, nor does listening create a doctor-patient or therapist-client relationship. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 911 or contact the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 (US/Canada). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Walked away feeling like you were the problem? Take the free reflection quiz, Am I Really the Villain? → https://kerrymcavoyphd.com/villain Have you ever walked away from a fight feeling like the villain in a story you didn't write? Apologizing for things you didn't do, carrying shame that didn't start with you? In this episode, Kerry and psychotherapist Lynn Strathdee take on projective identification — the hidden mechanism behind narcissist projection. They explore why narcissists need you to be the villain. How they create a caricature version of you and then dump contempt and shame onto that image.  WANT TO GO DEEPER? In the exclusive podcast extra, Kerry and Lynn get honest about the guilt and anxiety that hits when you stop playing the role. Learn why feeling guilty means you're doing something different, not something wrong. Get immediate access to this and 100+ premium interviews when you become a Substack paid subscriber today. Join here -> https://substack.com/@breakingfreenarcabuse LYNN STRATHDEE is a UK-based psychodynamic psychotherapist specializing in echoism and narcissistic abuse recovery, and former educator helping adults reclaim identity after chronic antagonism. WEBSITE: https://echoismrecovery.com/ 00:00 Why narcissists make you the villain 00:29 What is projective identification? 03:32 We never interact with the real person 06:37 Why a worn-down self absorbs their projections 10:17 Why some insults stick and others bounce off 13:06 Healthy projection vs. dumping it on you 15:30 When they blame you for their own distress 16:38 Love bombing is projection too 18:33 Do they know what they're doing? 20:08 The husband who "forgot" 21:33 Why survivors miss deliberate cruelty 24:22 The jar lids story 26:05 The version of you they create 29:10 Lynn's work with abuse survivors 32:38 Coming up in the Podcast Extra #Narcissist #NarcissisticAbuse #ProjectiveIdentification #NarcissistProjection #Gaslighting #EmotionalAbuse #ToxicRelationships #DARVO #TraumaBonding #HealingAfterNarcissisticAbuse Resources The Complete Recovery Collection: Narcissistic abuse resources First Steps to Leaving: Online self-paced digital course Toxic-Free Relationship Club: Live coaching & community support Follow Kerry! Youtube Instagram TikTok Facebook Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D., an author and educator, helps listeners decode toxic dynamics, recognize manipulation, and rebuild self-trust. As an Amazon affiliate, commission is earned from qualifying purchases. This podcast/video is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy, counseling, or professional mental health advice, nor does listening create a doctor-patient or therapist-client relationship. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 911 or contact the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 (US/Canada). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You’ve tried explaining yourself. You’ve tried having the conversation. But what happens when nothing changes, no matter how carefully you say it? When you’ve spent so long questioning yourself, it can be difficult to trust your own judgment about what’s happening. If you’re struggling to make sense of your relationship, take my free Toxic or Troubled? survey to gain some clarity and explore your next steps. https://kerrymcavoyphd.fillout.com/toxic-troubled-survey Why does your voice disappear the moment you need it most? Freezing isn’t weakness, and it isn’t going along with it. It’s your body making a survival decision faster than your thinking brain can. In this episode, drawn from a recent live stream, Kerry explains what really happens inside the body and brain when you lock up under threat. Learn the six concrete steps to crack a freeze when it’s happening. In this episode, learn: 1. Why your body acts before your brain can think 2. The difference between freezing and full collapse 3. Why you literally can’t speak in the moment, and how fear and shame form a “double lock” on your voice 4. Six steps to break a freeze 00:00 Why your body freezes when you're in danger 00:40 What freezing really feels like 02:02 Your amygdala acts before you can think 03:50 Why some of us freeze instead of fight 06:36 Freeze vs. collapse: a reflex, not a choice 09:27 I froze on my honeymoon 10:33 Why your voice disappears 12:36 Frozen in my marriage 13:47 How to break a freeze, step by step 17:27 The man with the knife 19:36 Can you train yourself out of a freeze? 20:56 The Cornell Seven: why even strong men freeze #FreezeResponse #TraumaResponse #FightFlightFreezeFawn #NarcissisticAbuseRecovery #NarcissisticAbuse #SurvivalMode #FreezingIsNotConsent #EmotionalAbuse #TraumaRecovery #MentalHealth Resources The Complete Recovery Collection: Narcissistic abuse resources First Steps to Leaving: Online self-paced digital course Toxic-Free Relationship Club: Live coaching & community support Follow Kerry! Youtube Instagram TikTok Facebook Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D., an author and educator, helps listeners decode toxic dynamics, recognize manipulation, and rebuild self-trust. As an Amazon affiliate, commission is earned from qualifying purchases. This podcast/video is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy, counseling, or professional mental health advice, nor does listening create a doctor-patient or therapist-client relationship. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 911 or contact the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 (US/Canada). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You’ve tried explaining yourself. You’ve tried having the conversation. But what happens when nothing changes, no matter how carefully you say it? When you’ve spent so long questioning yourself, it can be difficult to trust your own judgment about what’s happening. If you’re struggling to make sense of your relationship, take my free Toxic or Troubled? survey to gain some clarity and explore your next steps. https://kerrymcavoyphd.fillout.com/toxic-troubled-survey Has someone you trusted ever put your life at risk, then acted like it was all in good fun?  In this episode, Kerry sits down with journalist, and former whitewater raft guide Melanie Hamlett to explore why so many men treat danger as entertainment. Together they unpack how male conditioning strips away empathy and why ego and adrenaline override common sense. They also examine why so many women are taught to trust a confident man over their own intuition, even when lives are on the line. WANT TO GO DEEPER?  In the exclusive podcast extra, Kerry and Mel get honest about the hardest part of healing: owning the ways we vouched for, protected, and stayed with dangerous people.  Get immediate access to this and 100+ premium interviews when you become a Substack paid subscriber today. Join here -> https://substack.com/@breakingfreenarcabuse Melanie Hamlett is a comedian, journalist, and storyteller based in Lyon, France. Her work has appeared in Harper’s Bazaar, The Washington Post, Glamour, Slate, and The Daily Beast. That includes a viral Harper’s Bazaar piece that has been cited in dozens of podcasts, books, and articles. She’s a multiple-time Moth winner. Before moving into writing and comedy, she spent years as a whitewater raft guide, an Outward Bound wilderness instructor, and a ski instructor. That firsthand experience shapes her work on the hidden dangers women face in the outdoors and in relationships. Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MelanieHamlett Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melhamlett/ 00:00 Why river guides flip the raft on purpose 00:36 Meet Melanie Hamlett 04:53 A woman died on my first day as a raft guide 08:58 Don't let a man override your intuition 11:35 My father's dangerous stunts with us kids 14:17 Why do men put women in danger? 18:35 How men are raised to be reckless 22:46 Why women keep taking care of these men 26:09 Why smart women still default to men 28:40 When "toughing it out" nearly kills you 30:40 They call it carnage, like it's fun 36:04 Where to find Melanie 36:48 Coming up in the Podcast Extra Resources The Complete Recovery Collection: Narcissistic abuse resources First Steps to Leaving: Online self-paced digital course Toxic-Free Relationship Club: Live coaching & community support Follow Kerry! Youtube Instagram TikTok Facebook Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D., an author and educator, helps listeners decode toxic dynamics, recognize manipulation, and rebuild self-trust. As an Amazon affiliate, commission is earned from qualifying purchases. This podcast/video is for educational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy, counseling, or professional mental health advice, nor does listening create a doctor-patient or therapist-client relationship. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 911 or contact the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988 (US/Canada). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You’ve tried explaining yourself. You’ve tried having the conversation. But what happens when nothing changes, no matter how carefully you say it? When you’ve spent so long questioning yourself, it can be difficult to trust your own judgment about what’s happening. If you’re struggling to make sense of your relationship, take my free Toxic or Troubled? survey to gain some clarity and explore your next steps. https://kerrymcavoyphd.fillout.com/toxic-troubled-survey Why do the people closest to you seem to pull away right when you need them most?  Leaving a toxic relationship doesn’t end the fallout. It changes your relationships with everyone else too.  In this episode, Kerry answers two listener questions from recent live streams about what happens after you leave: how to reconnect with adult children who grew up in the chaos, and why friends often struggle to stay close while you heal. In this episode, learn: 1. Why you may still be walking on eggshells around your adult kids, and how to tell real tension from old fear 2. How your silence can read as not caring, and the one honest conversation that can change everything 3. How to apologize for the times trauma kept you from showing up, without needing a certain response back 4. Why “trauma dumping” is actually a normal stage of recovery, and why you may lose friends during it 5. How to handle well-meaning people who say painful things like “at least you knew love” WANT TO GO DEEPER? In the exclusive podcast extra, Kerry and Lynn get honest about the promise that keeps so many people stuck: “I’ll change for you.” Learn why desperate promises to change vanish the moment the relationship feels secure again. Get immediate access to this and 100+ premium interviews when you become a Substack paid subscriber today. Join here -> https://substack.com/@breakingfreenarcabuse 00:00 Why people stop listening to your story 01:03 Walking on eggshells with your adult kids 02:38 The hotel room talk with my son 04:08 When your kids picked up narcissistic fleas 05:51 How to apologize to your kids 09:16 The habits we carry from a toxic relationship 10:02 Trauma dumping is a normal part of recovery 12:37 Why people don't want to hear your story 15:12 I lost friends over my story 16:17 "At least you knew love": what not to say 18:15 Some people can't meet you where you are #NarcissisticAbuseRecovery #NarcissisticAbuse #ToxicRelationship #TraumaBonding #TraumaDumping #AdultChildren #NarcissisticFleas #EmotionalAbuse #TraumaRecovery #MentalHealth Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices