Acting Truths

What does it mean to get what I want?

These are my notes and reflections on "Understanding Trauma", session 1 of Returning to Wholeness: A Guide to Understanding and Integrating Trauma, a 12-Lesson online course with Gabor Mate.

Desire inventory is a practice where one starts a timer for a certain amount of time (10 minutes for example). Once the timer is started one writes one's desires one at a time. I prefer to write it in this format "I desire [INSERT] because I want to feel [INSERT]. One keeps on going until the timer goes off at the end. Optionally one can write at the end "Dear God I wish to have these desires met or desire what I get if they will be for my higher good".

Part 5 of a series where I read the book  "An Immanent Metaphysics" written by Forrest Landry and share with you my thoughts and reflections as I read and link it to whatever else I'm reading, thinking, or experiencing in my life at that moment. In a way, I'm taking you along on with me on my learning journey of the text.

Part 4 of a series where I read the book  "An Immanent Metaphysics" written by Forrest Landry and share with you my thoughts and reflections as I read and link it to whatever else I'm reading, thinking, or experiencing in my life at that moment. In a way, I'm taking you along on with me on my learning journey of the text.

Reading an entry from my desires journal dated 2 January 2016.

ľm grateful for the immanent perceiver perceiving the perceived as is ungarnished by story, meaning, purpose innate & cognate precedes cognitive & conative pain is not suffering when the steak makes me salivate not the sizzle of hot media's bling bling native beauty of the felt sense fuzzy rich unyielding pleasure when it clicks inside deep mysterious always new ha! a-ha! hahaha laughter the child of surprise a sudden turn the ground spins beneath my feet I hold on optimal grip on what is real realtime processing affordances of my unwelt smell of freshly toasted spelt bread over which newly churned butter melts before the neurogenesis of photons inside the mind's eye l chop wood for our drumming circle's bonfire after glow of awakening I chop vanities to throw in the funeral pyre chasing tail purity of touch me not for I have not shed the idols of simulacrum lycra of inactive wear and tear, tear under my tongue it goes & she goes to feel the lump in my throat unease, discomfort simply listen with no explanation to glisten no priest to Christen the simplicity of sensing not making sense from the embodied richness whence this Luciferic mischief seeks recompense.

I'm grateful for the unfolding realities happen in the rightness of their times layers of becoming slowly exposed at each revealing striptease of being truth is to uncover recover what's beneath surfaces bubbling of what lies underneath surfacing of hidden skeletal details patterns of forms she holds my tiny hand as the other trace spirals in the sand sound of waves announcing the receding tide the moon pulls from the other side absence of her reflected light reveals flickering of long-lived stars the arresting red hues of fungi borne of mycelia running unseen unwitnessed in their tending the soil of possibilities trampled by busybodies bumping like predictable billiard balls steam trains on the track stations create a common time bound by Bundy Clocks tick tick tock tick tick tock life in sync with optimising chron jobs in misty clouds of silica guarded by guns dot one's tongue escape the logic dig for the magic reduction of absurdities reconnect with the chaos of turning as we enter the age of air unstable breezes from the hot desert lands prophecies intercede on one's behalf dry souls are best suited for the culling jihad for M'uad Dib to see futures is a curse for living in the now blind one's eyes there's no escape from the tragedy of fate the more I exercise freedoms the more destined I am supposedly listen to the secrets whispered under the rose as I lick poison on fingertips jabbed with blood a most special kind of juice for fools, civil society has no use to walk the unmapped paths the bliss of choice in uncertainty evolution borne of mistakes in replicating what has been unfaithful copying creates danger, creates possibilities creative destruction destructive creation this body is not me yet it materiality remains a mystery matter is truly dark dust the original sin of rebelling.

I'm grateful for touch a felt sense of human warmth palms, forearms, elbows glide through my aromatic oiled body letting go with each out-breath opening inviting in the other to come in feel their way through the body electric push through soften dissipate accretions of past hurt intense encounters of the unwelcome kind unexpected sudden slamming against the unbending will of the real there is healing in this wading through coming in listening to what the body is saying parallel bio networks of entelechy a push here reflects a pull there acausal synchronous they happen together not because of but with bearing the weight of squares, oppositions conjunctions of celestial spheres enjoying the ease of their sextiles trines aspects of the heavens reflected in the mundane I'm a descendant of my natal map's ascendant as above so below as inside so outside how I do one thing is how I do everything be cautious with the magic each of us holds in our bodies in our hands, in our minds, in the tiny unseen things that surround us without which we are not.

I'm grateful for double binds intractable, unsolvable, irreducible the poverty of context deprecates slip knot of Athens' pesky gnat nibbles at the adjacent possible dialogue is prologue to knowing who am I who you are us two us them, the bigger we no one's special each one ordinary yet all take part in super complex realities worlds of magic in the dreaming soaked in our bones living the thing is believing see for yourself know for yourself creation's experiment fully stacked, with a spiral movement subluxation releases, relaxes the integral embrace the dismal futomomo restraint of higher-order love archaic revival of the modern flick the switch of postmodern critique to go beyond is the Cathar's bond give my solemn word descent of sharp fiery sword systems learning to live within systems of systems of systems in paradox no other way to be but heterodox feel the base the drumbeat heartbeat rhythmic swings seasons a time for everything not to do is a doing doing is a seeing seeing is to change things the warmth of hands as I cry my heart out frustrated masculine agency nurtured by feminine generosity flight of dragons a coven of the reborn.

I'm grateful for the liminal not quite there yet but on the way terse interstices undisciplined discipline crayons crossing lines Iitany of fear feel to steer stir the pot spot stripes in savannah keep walking though I don't wanna in nook of crevasse rebirths man child ego dissolves in the vast plant medicine never mild viruses burrow in replicate with the intricate grok that which has never been beautiful whispers of the delicate matins, vespers doubt catalyses trust in prayer.

I'm grateful for focus to notice one's noticing watch the watcher spritz the spritzer one zeroed in binary thinking where's the linking? scratch the inkling catch the winking metanoia of metamoderna derivé of the derivative tournament of detournement how far is the fetched? pester the spectacle society of shiny too eager to tear down Chesterton's fence amnesia of wisdom out of sequence thirsty for tradition we've lost our way time to drop the props feel the real tearfully tear fully from fentanyl's belly calm the fury festooned hyperstimuli unwrap the rap sheet drop the bullshit escape the dreamstate surveillance state buy back shares of deep inc. unbrand our skins' ink what the squack? who's got our back my brother my sister let's not squander this life full of wonder be total move the dial no more denial.

I'm grateful for discernment to pick one from the many the magpie who sings knows which to peck on from multitudes hiding in the rich soil grass, pebbles, sticks, dried leaves petals, cap, gills, annulus, stalk the rooster knows when to crow leaves when to grow, wither, and fall panther eats enough not much more each kill with grace and elegance her movements art poetry in motion in shock prey who survive shake off freeze and flight resets unshackles free to live another day in the wild nothing left but a curiosity, innocence of child amphipathic phospholipids know which molecules of water to love, which to fear a Bene Gesserit transmutes poison with the Voice have you in her tow she senses truth like a fine tooth comb weirding way with her bare hands you she can entomb  to honour mind, body, relationships, environment with utmost care presence,attention is the path meaningful desire aspiration, live at the zenith actualised potential, potentialised actual atonement at one moment at one meant the whole story happens at every moment.

I'm grateful for silent soliloquy mind traverse used, disowned, alternative futures that which aligns with survival change that is social, glacial, at times inimical   what uses have we for these cosmos honours not our tenure to be in flow with what changes that is what endures step into the river one cannot twice not even once the one who steps is changing the river is changing change is changing the entangled, the entanglement, entangled-ness itself a constant in the instant reverberates, gyrates, a swish-swish in the bushes a hiding, feeling, sensing not shapes with corners but waves, curves, the softness of my woman's caress when I am not, everything is she sits on me our hearts touching we breathe when I'm out she's in when I'm in she's out up and down, down and up her breasts my groin my heart her womb circles that spiral up to heaven's delight nothing taken that is not given nothing given that is not earned she fully relaxes in wild safety of my caresses revelation, revelry in restedness spaciousness of interacting no you no I but a brief sigh together always everywhere nowhere here and there in silence eyes speak volumes every nook and cranny of bodies relating scent of honeysuckle succulent sweet tickle by the fire that burns hot brightly we shared stories, jokes, random facts, songs we reconnect with our ancestors in this land vast, wide, a valley of special secrets revealed to those who pause, listen, feel with gratitude, respect for abundance drum beats in our hearts they who came before whispers that we need at each moment not before, not after, without any superfluous comment levels of you and I kin, kindred, city, village, town & country we commune as one, a sacred bond with life that abounds, abides, becomes.

I'm grateful for the rational that which enhances survival neocortex makes their case, grovels to basal ganglia who colanders overwhelmed by immediacy can blind to orders up from secondary to bind with practice allows one to see, know, be, beyond train to be with the strain use pain for antifragile gain face the elephant in the brain to fool one's self is the easiest sugar, caffeine, likes, retweets, follows too easy to reciprocally narrow with the hollow break patterns that addict slow down hyperstimuli of the quick unchain from command control flow, grow with the volatile learn from each stochastic roll contain failures, damage in a locale fast & furious in time 'comes spurious in close dynamic contact with what's around, with what surrounds vivification of the salubrious niche changes us we change niche chambered nautilus of fractalised functions blessed tensegrity of contrapuntal unity integrity of diversity coherence, deterrence in difference divide what multiplies subtract the superfluous concatenate the fortunate chicken broth of life-affirming growth.

I'm grateful for the irreducible crucible of parts congenially congealed there is much more in the concatenated whole information, the entropy of communication Maxwell's demon cannot know it all where in a flower can beauty be? dissected spiracle, thorax, mandible excised uncompounded five eyes squandered miracle de-tangled amegilla cingulata cannot bee taste of salt is everywhere in the sea lives I live never fully contained in my CV just fleeting triviality epistemological humility is key not to doors but perhaps portals to more spirals, intricacies, patterns that hold, not losing the zing in zooming in or out details abound only the complicated can be predicted fat tails dominate in life incarnate keep one's ears close to the ground sophrosyne in the mode of the local classes are not instances be wary filter out noise of the global stitch the brain's each hemisphere be functional in the bimodal truth in the triumvirate lizard, monkey, sapiens faber, ludens, a cadence making play, playmaking, playing with making Leyden jar, pot of clay to spend, invest in fruitless experiments the only way for evolution to hold sway in monotony, we'll all be slayed be bold, be brave in the organic cautious of hubris in simulacra of the ludic the grasses, the horses conjugal in their own way to survive is to be alive honouring holographic holons be well-versed with the hor d'oeuvres of the universe the magnum opus of opulence is to be generous with one's silence.

I'm grateful for human alchemy enraptured epistemologies stochastic, probabilistic, ontic young & wild reasoned child now through a looking glass recursive reflections knowing in part the fullness of perfection pulls forked at each branching of being drink the witches' brew rich, bitter, melodic, painful fear I must let it pass through only a human can endure sacrifice present for future salicylic skinning of surrender peeling layer by layer preferences revealed trade-offs in market exchange changes keep keeping on playing the ultimate game cancelled taken out of play absorbed strong non-ergodic death of fame some risks never to take temporal not ditto the spatial sequence matters over time I lick, I shoot before I suck on the lime irreversible irredeemable each moment happens but once what to make of happenstance? each wound, each heartache, each joy, ecstasy assimilated over time scars become who I am rings in a tree's trunk licentious lotus born in the muck to weigh what will happen rests on my continuity not with others' symmetry perpetual paradox of poetry antidote to deadly artificiality find, express one's voice love is that which enables choice.

I'm grateful for boundaries walking the tightrope of satisfaction & wanting more mastery & frustration dynamic demarcations of yes's and no's a perennial perhaps curious tongue savouring umami of unknowns bittersweet defeats salty surrender souring sympathies spicy speculations to feel what's alive in the other gracious respect with their no's thankfully taking what is given in fullness of desire the taker devours for their pleasure the taken delights in equal measure utmost joy to penetrate be penetrated seen like never before a becoming as one walks the line proleptic reasoning an earnest enquiry amidst paucity of light feeling muddling through the one who wants changes the wants one wants as one gropes in the darkness of having that which vaguely draws out one's self beyond one's shrinking skin to emerge different symbol emulated by its referent boisterous bowers built to please her satin passerine yearning to be chosen be Iet in through her barricades allowed to lift the Empress's brocade the greatest reward for freedom to fail repeatedly time after time wrestled down by that which is always greater one becomes stronger better wiser to move through the immovable beyond logic boundaries bend to the beholden.

I'm grateful for dissolution disillusion deconstruction to fray tapestry at the edges unravel untangle rip to shreds a pretext, a context for a reweaving, a rebirth willful warp & woof find in the rubble of sacked temples cornerstones, key pieces, salutary structures rebuild brick by brick perhaps build anew a never been weathered rocks cobbled together with distinct sheen who am I without a name tag postcode, phone, bank card social dilemma profile? perish pestering personas unmask the singer identities nothing but dents of l entities, parasites to body immortal nay a repository of morals deidentify the political defy capital in the gaps, in the void the in-between find spaces of healing from the derelict comes the messianic those in swell got no need to rebel.

I'm grateful for the gestalt total from particulars knowing at once instinctual photons array beams of light impressive images emerge from pointillist marks some Higgs Bosons, a few quarks to keep you off track what do you see? an old hag or a fancy young lady? a glass from Chablis or faces about to kiss? holographic holons more is different symbol exceeds referent beyond eyes that see ears that hear tongue that tastes skin that takes textures, temperature fascial proprioception otolith pebbles eerie gyroscope of motion an agglomeration of comfort a felt sense the animal is safe optimal grip on affordances of umwelt complexity at its finest pounce thrust ricochet as reptile cuddle softly stroke lick in the limbic spinifex of text complicated complex checksum of the neocortex systems within systems within systems sense the shapes not just measure topology of ontology metaphysics of physics alchemy of chemistry talk in riddle & rhyme as Ophelia mad in love flowery flow forever one cannot push against the river all in all, is all we all are.