Am I The Problem?

A listener overhears her husband telling a room full of men he wishes she would lose weight, because he “didn’t sign up for a fat wife”. She says nothing until they get home. He turns on her for eavesdropping, then collapses into how much he hates himself, and she ends the night comforting him. Four weeks later he does it again while she is cooking dinner, and adds that she is going to make the children fat too. She has written in asking whether she is being oversensitive, because she has put on weight, and because he says he is only worried about her.In this episode Helen works through what is actually happening in that pattern: why being overheard is not eavesdropping, why “I didn’t sign up for a fat wife” is a punchline rather than concern, and why a sorry that arrives after the anger has failed is doing the same job the anger was doing.Covered in this episode:Deflection, or what is colloquially called DARVO, and how it moves the argument onto youCompassionate empathy, and how your own empathy gets turned into the thing that silences youIntermittent reinforcement, also called breadcrumbing, and why “he isn’t like that all the time” is a description of the mechanism rather than a defenceMoral justification, and the test that separates real concern from a licence to criticiseWhat an apology is actually worth, where intent matters, and what repair looks like when someone genuinely slipsWhy “oversensitive” is a change of subject, and who has no business deciding the size of your hurtThe peacekeeper role, weaponised incompetence, and the cost of keeping someone else’s peaceFour questions to ask yourself if you are not sure whether you are self-invalidatingHelen covers DARVO and how to respond to it in more depth in episode 1 of Is This A Thing?, the paid companion show, available on Apple Podcasts and Spotify or to Foundation tier and above members of The Hub.Got a question you want answered? Use the submission link below, or leave it as a comment wherever you are listening.Submit a Question: https://liberationacademy.co.uk/podcast/The Hub: liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hubAperio Profiles: aperioprofiles.co.ukIf anything in this episode is close to home and you need support in the UK, Refuge runs a 24 hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247, and Men’s Advice Line is on 0808 801 0327. In an emergency, always 999.

You’ve spent the last 12 weeks learning how your patterns formed, how they show up, and how they affect your relationships.And if you’re anything like the brains I work with, there’s a part of you that’s been keeping score.Noticing every time you apologised for existing.Every time saying no felt difficult.Every time you slipped back into something you thought you’d already worked through.And quietly deciding that you’re still the problem.If you were taught that your worth was conditional, it makes sense that you’d measure yourself against perfection. But that standard was never designed to be fair, it was designed to keep you safe.In this final episode, Helen brings the whole season together, exploring why progress isn’t about never repeating a pattern, but noticing it sooner, responding differently, and learning to do that without turning it into evidence against yourself.Because healthy doesn’t mean perfect. It means faster awareness, and more kindness when you get it wrong.Resources mentioned:Research on conditional self-worth and perfectionismResearch on shame and behaviour changeAperio Profiles:Neurodivergent-informed cognitive and personality profiling for individuals, managers, and HR. Not a diagnosis. A functional map of how your brain actually works.aperioprofiles.co.uk This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit helenvilliersliberation.substack.com/subscribe

Someone says, “Can we talk about something?” Before they’ve even finished the sentence, your stomach drops. You’re already apologising, defending yourself, or preparing for the relationship to end.If conflict was used to shame, silence, or control you growing up, your nervous system may never have learned the difference between disagreement and danger. In this episode, Helen explores why healthy conflict can feel so threatening, why many people either avoid difficult conversations or assume every disagreement is catastrophic, and how ADHD, autism, and childhood conditioning can make conflict even harder to navigate.Resources mentioned:Research on emotional regulation in ADHDResearch on operant conditioning and learningGo deeper:This week’s companion episode of Is This A Thing? explores why recovery after conflict can take so much longer for some people, what your nervous system is doing after the conversation has ended, and practical ways to shorten that recovery. Available on The Hub: liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hubAperio Profiles:Neurodivergent-informed cognitive and personality profiling for individuals, managers, and HR. Not a diagnosis. A functional map of how your brain actually works.aperioprofiles.co.uk This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit helenvilliersliberation.substack.com/subscribe

You meet someone who’s kind, consistent, and genuinely interested in you. They reply when they say they will. They don’t play games. They don’t leave you guessing.And somehow... it doesn’t feel right.If you grew up in a toxic environment, your brain may have learned to treat unpredictability as love and kindness as something to be suspicious of. This episode explores why healthy relationships can feel strangely flat, why emotional intensity is so often mistaken for chemistry, and how early experiences can distort the way you recognise safety, connection, and love.Resources mentioned:Research on intermittent reinforcement and conditioningResearch on intimate partner violence and neurodivergenceResearch on identity and healthy relationship developmentGo deeper:The companion episode of Is This A Thing? explores why a strong sense of identity is one of the biggest protective factors against abusive relationships, including how identity develops, what disrupts it, and why rebuilding it changes the way you recognise healthy relationships. Available on The Hub: liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hubAperio Profiles:Neurodivergent-informed cognitive and personality profiling for individuals, managers, and HR. Not a diagnosis. A functional map of how your brain actually works.aperioprofiles.co.uk This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit helenvilliersliberation.substack.com/subscribe

You promised yourself you would never be like them. You would never make your child feel the way you felt. So you do the opposite. You soften every hard edge, struggle to say no, and panic when your child is disappointed in you.But what if trying so hard not to become your parent is still letting them shape the way you parent?If you grew up in a toxic family, you may have no reliable benchmark for what healthy parenting actually looks like. This episode explores the parenting pendulum, why fear can push you towards permissiveness, rescuing, hypervigilance or repeating the very patterns you wanted to escape, and how to find the middle ground between control and fear-led parenting.Resources mentioned:Research on conditioning and learned behaviourChild development and age-appropriate expectationsResearch on rupture, repair, and relational safetyGo deeper:The companion episode of Is This A Thing? explores how much of what your child does is actually about you, including why your child’s behaviour can trigger reactions that belong to your own childhood and how to separate the child in front of you from the child you once were. Available on The Hub: liberationacademy.co.uk/the-hubAperio Profiles:Neurodivergent-informed cognitive and personality profiling for individuals, managers, and HR. Not a diagnosis. A functional map of how your brain actually works.aperioprofiles.co.uk This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit helenvilliersliberation.substack.com/subscribe