Apocalypse Video

Submitted for your approval… Tonight, we bring you truly one of the most bizarre and unhinged films we’ve ever covered on this podcast. The subject: Xuxa, a musical entertainer who captured the hearts and minds of Brazilian children everywhere in the late 1980s, including the imagination, decades later, of one Ryan Caldwell. But what Mr. Caldwell and his unsuspecting video store coworkers are about to discover - much to their horror - is that children’s entertainment in Brazil is a little different than it is in the States… The film is Super Xuxa Vs Satan, and it comes to you from the Demented Kids section, located in the deepest, darkest regions…of Apocalypse Video. I’m your host, Dave, and joining me as we enter a world filled with filth covered sewer dwellers and talking pink dolphins are fellow cinephiles and recovering down mood’s Mike and Ryan. Topics of discussion in this episode include the wild origin story of Xuxa, from her years as a Playboy Playmate to “Queen of Children”; we learn that Orange is the color of Positivity; and finally, we find out that while Super Xuxa may just be a Labyrinth ripoff, it may have actually originated “Under the Sea” a whole year before The Little Mermaid. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com That’ll do it for this deeply unsettling look into late 80s Brazilian kids entertainment. Remember kids, be positive! And don’t let the Down Mood get ya down! Note: This episode was recorded before October, but due to a certain co-host leaving with the audio tapes and going on extended PTO overseas, the episode was unavailable to release prior to Vamptober. This individual - whose name rhymes with Schmichael - has been docked a week’s pay and will be subjected to audio torture, via prolonged exposure to Xuxa’s end credits theme song.

40 Years Later, Evil Returns Home. It’s Halloween, and that can mean only one thing; it’s time to re-reboot an aging horror franchise…again. I’m your host, Dave, and joining me as we try our best to avoid getting peanut butter on our penises is fellow horror fan and true crime podcaster, Nick “Immortan Hoof”. Topics of discussion in this episode include a franchise so convoluted that some theatres had to make a video to explain the different subsets of varying continuity; we roll our eyes at the embarrassingly dated true crime podcasters; and finally, Nick gets a BINGO as we play Spot That Halloween Reference! Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com What are your thoughts on 2018’s Halloween? Was it a return to form or yet another misfire? That’ll do it for this installment of our ongoing true crime podcast series where we analyze the crimes of the Halloween franchise. When we return, we’ll witness the birth of one of the most memorable lines from a horror film in recent times. See you then, kiddies!

Good evening and welcome to the final chapter of Apocalypse Video’s Vamptober Spooktacular, Live from Lestat’s Bar and Grill. Tonight, we put on our #TeamEdward t-shirts and embrace the inescapable phenomenon that was the 2008 box office sensation: Twilight. I’m joined this evening by fellow cinephiles and blood suckers (of strictly deer, mind you), Mike, Jackie, Ryan, and special guest: Kara. Topics of discussion in this episode include Twilight and its legion of nerdy fans, as well as the other legion of nerdy fans who despise them; we talk about Bella’s intoxicating blood musk; and finally, we dissect the infamous baseball scene and all of its comedy gold. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com  That will do it for the final act of Apocalypse Video’s Vamptober Spooktacular. We must now return to our coffins and go into slumber until we are needed again. Until next Shocktober, my fellow ghouls…blehhh!

Good evening, and welcome to the third chapter of Apocalypse Video’s Vamptober Spooktacular, Live from Lestat’s Bar and Grill. Tonight, we go overseas to Sweden and turn on the subtitles for a little piece of romantic horror from 2008 entitled, Let the Right One In. I’m joined this evening by fellow cinephile and blood sucker, Cody. Topics of discussion in this episode include two kids who belong on the Mount Rushmore of Kid Actors; we wonder what kind of movies Oskar is watching as he weirds out his classmates with his creepily extensive knowledge of crime scene factoids; and finally, we throw our support behind the school’s bully, Conny, as he rightfully bullies Oskar, the film’s chief protagonist and little freak boy. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com That will do it for Act III of Apocalypse Video’s Vamptober Spooktacular. When we return, we’ll conclude this year’s Spooktacular with the shiniest, most beautiful vampire film ever made: Twilight. See you then my fellow ghouls.

Good evening and welcome to the second chapter of Apocalypse Video’s Vamptober Spooktacular, Live from Lestat’s Bar and Grill. Our podcast tonight celebrates the 2003 Len Wiseman matrix/vampire mashup: Underworld. I’m joined this evening by my fellow cinephiles and blood suckers Mike, Jackie, and special guest: Cody. Topics of discussion in this episode include the vampire orgy that refuses to get going; we dive into the lengthy legal troubles of Underworld; and finally, we toast Bill Nighy, the boomer vampire that holds this movie up on his shoulders. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com That will do it for Act II of Apocalypse Video’s Vamptober Spooktacular. When we return, we’ll leave behind the rainy skies of Budapest and enter the snowy world of Swedish horror with…Let the Right One In.

I bid you welcome to this year’s Apocalypse Video Shocktober Spooktacular. I am Dave, and I am one of the undead…a vampire. I was a middle aged man of thirty eight when I was turned by one of my employees, a large headed, bespectacled predator in the night named Ryan. In the year that followed, I would spend my nights feasting on the rodents and mutated deer that roamed in the darkness. I thought I would go mad without ever tasting of Taco Bell again, but overtime, I grew to love the warm blood of two headed rats and capri sun blood packs. I eventually made some friends in the dark alleys of Bartertown; friends who shared my particular ailment of needing to feast on human blood. They took me in and made me a member of the poetry slam and fan-fic society at the local bar and grill. Our podcast tonight takes place at that very establishment, Lestat’s Bar and Grill, during a very special month-long promotion, called Vamptober. Tonight’s feature: a screening of the 1994 Anne Rice classic…Interview with the Vampire. I’m joined this evening by my fellow cinephiles and blood suckers Mike, Ryan, Jackie, and special guest: Janna. Topics of discussion in this episode include the era of peak bad movie accents; Oprah tries to save our souls by walking out of a press screening; and finally, we play Marry, F@*K, Kill with Louis, Lestat, and Armand. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com That will do it for the first act of Apocalypse Video’s newly christened "Vamptober Spooktacular". When we return, we’ll suit up in our tight fitting leather outfits and brandish our dual pistols as we descend into 2003’s Len Wiseman vampire-matrix mashup: Underworld. Note: Unfortunately, our episode on Super Xuxa vs Satan will be postponed until November due to events beyond our control (or, more specifically, one of the store’s staff fumbling the audio of said episode and absconding to a foreign country with the episode masters. This employee, who will remain unnamed - it rhymes with Schmike - has been punished severely.

No sex. No booze. No men. No way. Hey, folks; Dave here. One down, three to go, as I continue my month-long Apology Tour for my crimes committed this Summer. This time, perhaps fittingly, I’m taking the gang with me to church in an effort to atone for my cinema sins. But rather than relive the horrors of Mel Gibson and this past Jesus-ary, we’re lightening things up and getting back in the habit with the 1992 comedy classic, Sister Act. I’m your host, Dave, and joining me on my court ordered public service are fellow cinephiles and witnesses in hiding, Ryan and Janna. Topics of discussion in this episode include how Sister Act induced not one, not two, but three cry moments from yours truly; Harvey Keitel shows us what a PG rated mob boss is and is not capable of; and finally, we learn that nuns don’t ask for permission, they pray for forgiveness. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com That’ll do it for this leg of my Apology Tour. When we return, we’ll be taking a trip down to the southern hemisphere to battle the down mood with Super Xuxa contra Baixo Astral (aka: Super Xuxa vs. Satan).

Someone once wrote, “War is Hell”. Well, the same thing could be said for this latest run of my Apology Tour. We just watched a season 6 two-parter of M*A*S*H., a show that up until this point I had only seen the end credits of as a kid whenever I was waiting for something else to come on TV. It’s not that the show is bad, mind you, I just can’t shake the feeling that one of my co-hosts, a die hard M*A*S*H. fan, is giving me evil eyes whenever I don’t laugh along with the audience laugh track. We’ll see if I make it through this leg of the tour without getting beaten by my friends with the old “soap in a sock” routine. Anyway, I’m your host, Dave, and joining me on this tour of duty are fellow TV-philes and brothers/sisters in arms, Mike and special guest: Janna. Topics of discussion in this episode include as background on Klinger’s whole deal and his (more than likely) eventual turn to madness; Dave’s Hawkeye impression could use some serious work; and finally, we try to explain Alan Alda’s animal magnetism. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com  That’ll do it for this episode, folks. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I need to get the hell out of here. I think I see the rest of my unit in the shadows creeping over to my bunk…and they’re carrying socks…

Hello, People of the Wasteland. My name is Dave, Store Manager of Apocalypse Video, and I would like to read you the following statement I have prepared: “After the utter failure of our recent summer film fest, which featured the likes of Catwoman and Madame Web, I admit that my decision to create a whole summer of programming based purely on spite was ill conceived and wrong. I accept all responsibility for the pain and anguish that came along with everyone in the wasteland having to watch these terrible films in order to follow along with our corresponding podcast reviews. I hope that you will one day forgive me, and as a gesture of what I hope will lead to my eventual redemption, I would like to announce that this month’s programming will officially be known as “Dave’s Apology Tour”; a series of reviews based on movies and shows that people actually enjoy - and not things like the live action Aeon Flux. And with that, I hope you enjoy the first entry in my Apology Tour, 1999’s box office smash: The Mummy.” I’m your host who’s skating on thin ice, Dave, and joining me as we kick off a batch of watchable movies for a change are fellow cinephiles and crypt robbers Mike, Jackie, and Ryan. Topics of discussion in this episode include the famed “Summer of ‘99” (aka: the year of dual wielding pistols and CG bugs entering people’s bodies); we talk about the decades long journey to bring The Mummy to screen, which included the likes of Joe Dante and Clive Barker; and finally, we talk about the Mummy’s place in a crowded summer dominated by The Matrix and Star Wars: Episode One - The Phantom Menace. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com  That’ll do it for this episode, folks. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we gotta jump on our camels and ride off into the sunset.

In our world, knowing the future can’t save you from it. On the final episode of Hot Dave’s Summer Film Fest Vol. V: The Future is Super Female, Dakota Johnson and Sony Pictures make a film so bad it threatens to end Cinema as we know it! So take off your shoes and prepare to party like it’s 2003; it's Madame Web! I’m your host, Dave, and joining me as we review what is perhaps the worst film we’ve ever watched for this podcast are fellow cinephiles and precogs Ryan, Mike, and Jackie. Topics of discussion in this episode include the age old Hollywood tradition of churning out garbage strictly to hold onto an IP; Dakota Johnson can see the future, but apparently has difficulty opening a can of Pepsi; and finally, Sony Pictures sadly drives the final nail in the proverbial coffin of their live-action Spiderverse spinoffs with a film so bad, it can’t even be saved by an ending at a literal fireworks factory. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com And with that, Hot Dave’s Summer Film Fest Vol. V comes to an end. What else is there to say…sorry, folks. They can’t all be winners. But next year, we’re gonna pull out all the stops and only feature bangers. No more films by Pitof - we promise.

In the future, the odds of survival are 1000 to 1. That’s just the way she likes it. On this week’s episode of Hot Dave’s Summer Film Fest Vol V: The Future is Super Female!, Lori Petty ditches her surf board and commandeers a tank to go one on one against the holographic head of Malcolm McDowell…it’s Tank Girl! I’m your host, Dave, and joining me as we try our best to conserve water are fellow cinephiles Ryan and special guest, Janna. Topics of discussion in this episode include how Tank Girl plays like a post-apocalyptic Little Rascals; we salute the ingenuity of Malcolm McDowell’s water bottle-water suckers; and finally, we wonder if the zaniness of Tank Girl was just a few years ahead of its time as we talk about the film and the comic’s legacy. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com That’ll do it for this week’s episode, true believers. We’ll be back next week as Hot Dave’s Summer Film Fest Vol V: The Future is Super Female!! concludes with 2024’s Madame Web.

Adventure runs in the family. On this week’s episode of Hot Dave’s Summer Film Fest Vol V: The Future is Super Female!, Helen Slater battles evil witches and horny truckers as she seeks the power source that will bring life back to her space hippie commune…IT’S SUPERGIRL!! I’m your host, Dave, and joining me as we chow down on some Popeye’s chicken are fellow cinephiles and Argo City space hippies Mike, Jackie, and Ryan. Topics of discussion in this episode include the ever expanding range of Kryptonian super powers, which somehow include the ability to create schoolgirl outfits out of thin air; we wonder how much the Salkind’s had to pay Peter O’Toole to embarrass himself in this tripe; and finally…we need to talk about Jimmy Olsen, because this thirty something creeper is getting way too fresh with Lois Lane’s kid sister. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com That’ll do it for this week’s episode, true believers. We’ll be back next week as we travel to the post apocalyptic future of Tank Girl!

They were three small time girls, with big time dreams. Now, fate is giving the Pussycats the chance of a lifetime. On this week’s episode of Hot Dave’s Summer Film Fest Vol. V: The Future is Super Female!, a group of aspiring rock stars from Riverdale must foil the evil plans of Alan Cumming and Parker Posey as they use the power of subliminal advertising to sell a bunch of garbage to the youth of America. It’s…Josie and the Pussycats. I’m your host, Dave, and joining me as we prepare to drop our totally awesome new album are fellow cinephiles and Josie fanboys, Mike and Ryan. Topics of discussion in this episode include the bizarre legacy of Riverdale and its many inhabitants; we question whether or not critics in the year 2001 knew what satire was; and finally, we pour one out for the music industry of yore as we talk about the death of the music video generation. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com That’ll do it for this week’s episode, true believers. We’ll be back next time as Helen Slater emerges from a pond in full costume to battle a magical Faye Dunaway in Supergirl.

This week we celebrate a milestone occasion, folks. Believe it or not, it’s been six whole years since we first started doing the Apocalypse Video podcast, and a lot’s happened in that time. We’ve had people come and go – heads chopped off; heads reattached; Kaiju attacks; you know, the usual. So with such a long and storied history, how could we possibly celebrate six years in a fashion befitting of a show so spectacular? The answer…Trivia. As in, MOVIE TRIVIA SHOWDOWN!!! That’s right, we’re coming at ya LIVE from the newly opened Apocalypse Video Studios in Sector 2 with over ninety minutes of movie trivia action! Plus a handful of questions about the crazy shenanigans that have occurred on this show over the years. I’m your host, Dave, and joining me today are our three contestants, chosen from the admittedly limited pool of employees at Apocalypse Video: Mike, Jackie, and Ryan! Do our contestants have what it takes to win the showdown and prove their Apocalypse Video bonafides? Well, we’ll find out today!!! Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com Apocalypse Video will resume its regularly scheduled programming next week, as Hot Dave’s Summer Film Fest Vol. V returns with Josie and the Pussycats. See you then!

Before she can find peace she will wage war. On this week’s episode of Hot Dave’s Summer Film Fest Vol. V: The Future is Super Female!, Jennifer Garner comes back from the dead to battle tattooed freaks and super villains who use their laundry as a weapon – It’s Elektra! I’m your host, Dave, and joining me as the fatigue of this less than stellar film fest is starting to set in are fellow cinephiles Mike and Ryan. Topics of discussion in this episode include a climax that looks like it was choreographed by the Star Wars Kid; we equate Elektra to a Wal-Mart brand Batman Begins; and finally, we discuss the legacy of Jennifer Garner’s Elektra and how she ultimately ended up in a literal trash world for forgotten early 2000s superheroes. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com That’ll do it for this week’s episode, true believers. We’ll be back next time as we jet over to Riverdale and jam with everyone’s favorite rockers, Josie and the Pussycats.

CATch Her in IMAX! On this week’s episode of Hot Dave’s Summer Film Fest Vol. V: The Future is Super Female!, Halle Berry plays Patience Phillips, a super hot nerd who is turned into a super hot Catwoman, as she battles a stone faced Sharon Stone who’s out to turn the women of America into face cream addicted monsters – from visionary director Pitof, it’s Catwoman! I’m your host, Dave, and joining me as we scrape the absolute bottom of the superhero barrel is fellow cinephile and Bast fanboy, Ryan. Topics of discussion in this episode include a question as to whether free movie vouchers included in Batman DVDs count towards a film’s total box office gross; we wonder if the screenwriters used the Superhero Name Generator to come up with Catwoman’s alter ego: Patience Phillips; and finally, we wonder how bad the shelved Batgirl movie could have possibly been if this was considered releasable. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com That’ll do it for this week’s episode, true believers. We’ll be back next time as we stay in the early 2000s era of superhero films with 2005’s forgotten snoozefest, Elektra.

See Barbarella do her thing! On this week’s episode of Hot Dave’s Summer Film Fest Vol. V: The Future is Super Female!, prepare to drop some acid and make love like it’s the year 4,000 — it’s Barbarella! I’m your host, Dave, and joining me as we take our sex pills and prepare to have our hair blown back are fellow cinephiles and primitives living in a state of neurotic irresponsibility, Mike and Ryan. Topics of discussion in this episode include a future where all spaceship walls are covered in shag carpet; Barbarella bizarre production shows us a glimpse of what Star Wars might have looked like, had it not been saved in editing; and finally, we determine that Barbarella is basically The Wizard of Oz, if Dorothy had had sex with the Tin Man, the Cowardly Lion, and the Scarecrow. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com That’ll do it for this week’s episode, true believers. We’ll be back next time as we unleash our claws and meeeowwww with 2004’s box office bomb, Catwoman.

Don’t call her Babe! Hot Dave’s Summer Film Fest Vol. V continues! And this time, we’ve got a 90s video store staple for ya, straight from the sleazy town of Steel Harbor…it’s Barb Wire! I’m your host, Dave, and joining me as we try to sell our illegal contact lenses are fellow cinephiles and resistance fighters Mike and Ryan. Topics of discussion in this episode include a film that is only a few degrees away from being a soft core porno; we wonder why critics in 1996 had such a problem with a woman being sexy; and finally, Clint Howard shines as he goes full skeeze playing Steel Harbor’s sweatiest scumbag, Schmitz. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Follow Us on Twitter, Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com That’ll do it for this week’s episode, true believers. We’ll be back next time as we travel to the future to meet the Queen of the Galaxy herself, Barbarella!

The future is flux. Summer is here, and that can mean only one thing; Hot Dave’s Summer Film Fest is back!!! And this time we’re bringing you a summer film fest of epic proportions, filled with the best (and worst) of the Hollywood comic book film machine…female-led comic book films. That’s right, fellas - the Future is Super Female!!! I’m your host, Dave, and joining me as we begin our summer long journey into the world of tomorrow is fellow cinephile and Goodchild clone baby, Mike. Topics of discussion in this episode include a world where all assassins travel via backflip; we Charlize Theron wears a slightly less pervy costume than the one seen in the anime; and finally, we talk about the making of Aeon Flux and how the executives must have all been screaming the same thing: Make it more like the Matrix!! Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Follow Us on Twitter, Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com That’ll do it for this week’s episode, true believers. We’ll be back next time with an even more scantily clad female heroine with…Barb Wire.

Hey, everyone - Dave here. As we get into the unbearable hellscape that is Summer, please remember to get your Air Conditioner checked regularly, lest you end up overcranking your system and turning one of your employees into an ice cube. The podcast you are about to hear is a cautionary tale of Air Conditioner negligence and stale, frozen comedy premises. I’m your host, Dave, and joining me as we wheeze the juice are fellow cinephiles and Cro-Magnon men, Mike and Ryan. Topics of discussion in this episode include a comedy premise that feels like it was frozen in the 80s; Sean Astin tests our tolerance with the loathsome character of “Dave”; and finally, we track the rise and fall of Pauly Shore, the Weasel of the 90s. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Follow Us on Twitter, Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com  That’ll do it for this week’s episode, folks. Stay cool out there, buuuuuu-ddy.