ArtHoles

Jinmaku! Jinmaku! Jinmaku! Go get’em buddy! My dude OWNS the makuuchi division. Also, if there’s one thing people should take away from this episode, is that William-Adolphe Bouguereau is a connoisseur of great asses and he would’ve loved the Jean-Claude Van Damme era of human history.   This episode is quite the winding road, jam-packed with shenanigans, beaucoup cousin sex, and exploration of several art techniques and theories. As we navigate this road, we join an unexpected game show, I kick myself out of a few museums, 47 kitties take their revenge, we do science stuff, and mine a butte. Along the way, I make a decision on a segment that I’ll likely regret, Bonnat loves himself some Bonnat, and the Grandmothers grand plan runs into a few hiccups.    Honestly, I don’t know how to explain this episode, this one really flies off the rails. The chaos probably starts when Florida comes into the picture and ends when I have impure thoughts about someone in a painting. The good news is, Paul Harvey makes a cameo appearance, because I force him in with a shoehorn, and that makes me happy.

Henri, Adele, Alphonse, Dead Gary, Odon, Napoleon III, the Grandmothers, Alix, Amédée, MIT Math Nerd Steve (from Pollock), Charles, Piss Pons, the Black Prince… We. Are. Back! Along with several additions to our colorful cast of characters.   Is it really a Semaine Sanglante if you can’t trust how much sanglante was spilled in the semaine? Why are that German man’s balls on your grandmother’s armrest? What’s a zoo for, if not to provide for a fancy Françoise Massialot-inspired menu? Can we ever truly understand why Alph does any of the things Alph does? Will we finally get closure in the Legend of Dead Gary?! These questions will be answered and much much more!   Henri goes to school, Napoleon III misjudges everyone’s bulges, a cartoon raccoon attacks a cartoon basset hound for no clear reason, and a children’s playground becomes the scene of unimaginable horrors.

Our adventure begins with the Grandmothers, a footnoted sister, more mounted heads than fireplaces (which is saying something), and some thick-ass man-thighs. As we make our way through French history, we'll learn about why Paris was an "immense workshop of putrefaction," take the most horrifying raft ride of all time, get Gothic and emo with a spicy lady named Germaine, and ponder whose day that small newsie boy just ruined. Along the way, I mess up the same joke twice, tell an inappropriate story, and make us all do a thought experiment that, in retrospect, might not have been necessary. What did those three brothers do? When is the best time to take an unexpected hunting trip? What happens if your bird goes to hell? We'll discuss. And, we'll have a Merrrrrrry Christmas in the Languedoc. Two of them; two Merrrrrry Christmases. Yay! I swear, I'm fine. All of this is healthy.  patreon.com/artholes 

Before we begin the Toulouse-Lautrec journey, we of course need a 5 hour fever dream of French history. It only took me one episode in this series for me to lose my mind, so that's pretty exciting :)  Act I: Entirely Too Many Louis  Act II: Little Internal Structures Act III: It's a Family Affair Primary Sources Toulouse-Lautrec: A Life, by Julia Frey Toulouse-Lautrec, by Gerstile Mack Toulouse-Lautrec, by Henri Perruchot The Unpublished Correspondence of Toulouse-Lautrec A History of France, by John Julius Norwich A History of France, by Joseph Bergman The Industrial Revolution in France (1815-1848), by Arthur Louis Dunham Dawn of the Belle Epoque, by Mary McCauliffe Fashioning the Bourgeoise, by Phillip Perrot The Art of Cuisine, by Maurice Joyant and Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec  

In the Frida finale, we alternate between having lots of fun and exploring the cavernous depths of human suffering. But we also have fun? If you're here at the end, thank you so, so much for taking this entire weird journey with me. This really has been a life-changing project for me.  Seriously, though, we will have some fun. Also, it gets sad. Like, really sad. 

In what was supposed to be the finale, but instead turned into the episode before the finale, we learn quite a bit. Really, we learn too much. About neckerchiefs, turkeys, monotheism, Val Kilmer, making still life paintings look like porn, broken columns and wounded deer, and the Golden Age of Mexican Cinema. Along the way, Frida puts it on a German guy, takes a surprising new job, decorates a pulqueria, and makes a desperate choice when it comes to her health. 

The episode that broke me.  11/28 update: two-parter finale is on the way soon. Apologies for the delay, it's been a crazy few months and anything under 4 hours for the finale would've been a crime.

In a rollercoaster of an episode, we learn about mural negotiations, chicken salad sandwiches that curb masturbation, and which type of gringo is worst.  Along the way, we’ll figure out which type of baby is cutest, how to freak out journalists with candy, and meet a true best friend.   Frida is more of a passenger than a driver in this episode.  In the time period we cover, she begins as a doting wife, roommate, and travel companion.  By the time we’re done, she’ll have tested the boundaries of pain and loss, on her way to becoming someone who  will change the world

While Frida recovers-ish from the accident, she starts down a new path.  This path will take her to a magical place beyond a window, the Communist Party, a Tina Modotti party, and a wedding party.   Diego has a hard time keeping Dieguito in his pants as he makes his move, I tell embarrassing stories, Matilde and Guillermo continue to not talk, missed x-rays are the worst x-rays, and we learn what goes into changing the spelling of your name. And, there are multiple shootings, both of people and electronic equipment.   @artholespodcast artholespodcast@gmail.com

How many daughters is too many daughters? What do you do with the extra ones? Is it ok to cause an old man to fall down a flight of stairs? What if he wasn’t your intended target? We’ll explore all of this and more as we get to know a growing family. We'll also learn that not all of your kids are created equally and you should make sure they know that at every turn, more stuff about legs, why little Timmy isn't in school, what not to do with pets, a first love, Blue Danube, getting down with a librarian, and public transportation. @artholespodcast artholespodcast@gmail.com

Frida Kahlo has become a name synonymous with strength and independence. She was born during a crucial time in Mexico’s history and touched the lives of everyone she met.  She also was ridiculously hilarious in the face of horrifying personal events that would crush the average person. Seriously, this is gonna get depressing. To prepare for our series, we’re taking 8,000 years of Mexican history straight to the face. We start with a bunch of rain, then traverse through a confusing calendar system, a necklace of golden shrimps, a not-so-triste-noche, and “utter tragedy and misery.” Also, some art is sprinkled in. Buckle up as we learn about a Spanish king who hates pajamas and exorcisms, the French getting really ornery over baked goods, and America being on-brand with pretty much everything it does. And, then… Revolución!!! Series Main Sources: Ankori, Gannit. Frida Kahlo. London, 2013. Drucker, Malka. Frida Kahlo - Torment and Triumph in her Life and Art. U.S.. 1991. Fehrenbach, T.R. Fire & Blood - A History of Mexico. New York, 1995. Herrera, Hayden. Frida - A Biography of Frida Kahlo. New York, 1982. Kahlo, Frida. The Diary of Frida Kahlo, New York 1995. Kahlo, Frida. Letters to Mama - You Are Always With Me. Mexico City, 2018. Meyer, Michael C. and Sherman, William. The Course of Mexican History (2nd Ed.). Oxford, 1983. Zamora, Martha. Frida Kahlo - The Brush of Anguish. San Francisco, 1990.

The Don Pepe Incident, a story about Lucy we’d all like to forget, nerd-ceremonies, and a complicated reunion. Then, things get really, really fancy.  We’re finally wrapping up our story in the only way it’ll let us…weirdly. Caravaggio breaks out of prison to reach the one person who will help him. He also makes more bad decisions, paints some stuff, hits the club, and pays the price. @artholespodcast

In a post-Nooch world, a comparatively short period in Caravaggio’s life is jam-packed with a comparatively large amount ludicrousness, so the finale is now a two-parter. What do you do when you’re on the run for murder? You create some of the most important western art of all time, obvi. Plus, you keep acting like an asshole, because you literally never learn. Caravaggio’s road to redemption is a joyful, nostalgic romp through Europe. It starts with a bribe, veers offtrack due to another Johnny Testicle incident, then gets back on track... until it’s interrupted by a church organist and a pirate gun. Because why wouldn’t it.  Also, there’s stuff about art. @artholespodcast

Greg Rotolanti, butter, Fillide, sex-wrinkles, a resolute and purposeful “Jenis,” The Nooch, a magic flying house, and tennis. I honestly don’t know what else to say. I for sure lost it on this one. @artholespodcast artholespodcast@gmail.com

Baglione, Mao, The Nooch... As adversaries emerge, lines are drawn, and words are exchanged. Really, really, ridiculous words with unimaginable fallout. Caravaggio finds a brother figure in Onorio Longhi, even though his actual brother also lives in Rome. Onorio finds his merengue needs unfulfilled, but his hunger for violence satiated. And, Fillide finds out that some moms are checked out a bit early, while some co-workers check in behind your back. Let your porny paintings become more violent, your devotional paintings become more public, and never, EVER let anybody disrespect your Cecco without a reckless attempt at retribution. After all, omnia vincit amore, right? @artholespodcast artholespodcast@gmail.com

The new Counter-Reformation mix tape dropped…ya heard? It’s a music-heavy episode, not all of which is appropriate for work. Maybe not everybody’s work, but, most people’s work. Cardinal Del Monte has quite a few guests at the house and people have thoughts. Also, Caravaggio creates some paintings inspired by music, a guy named Francis, and Mario Minitti’s sultry gaze. And, I lash out at more Popes.   Take a listen and learn about some terrible surgeries, a lazy investigation by the sbirri, and some memory problems. We also learn that it’s hard to say goodbye, especially when you know you have to. Because, violence.

Caravaggio finds a new home after maybe murdering somebody.  But who would take in such a person?  Turns out, lots of people. We’ll learn about Caravaggio’s artistic developments, including one painting that has a surprising connection to the show!  We’ll also learn that sometimes, having your monkey cared for is more important than rebuilding a city. If you were a genre painting, what kind of genre painting would you be?  Would you have bursting figs and succulent cherries?  Would you be a red-wine-drunk sex god? Or would you just steal stuff?  Just let your Soul Glo, meet a few Cardinal-Nephews, keep your lizard where it belongs, and, of course, watch out for horses.

How many Caterinas is a sufficient number of Caterinas? What’s the appropriate length of a baby Jesus arm?  Is John of Austria the worst? Does a REAL Catholic uncontrollably vomit? These are the questions we’ll tackle together in order to dig into the beginning of Michaelangelo Merisi’s life and career!  That, and, I butcher Italian names, recklessly valuate the scudo, and justify the imprisonment of homeless people on a moated island (sorta). Manner-isn’t…amirite…?

One of the greatest and most enigmatic painters, born into an insane time. He was also a complete nightmare. This is the story of a man whose poor behavior was matched only by his ability to capture the human condition. It's also a story of extreme violence, tennis(?), two weird poems, and ridiculous amounts of enabling and privilege. But, first, our story begins away in a manger... It then quickly flies off the rails when some Roman Emperors make bad decisions, a bunch of popes have rough days, and the fallout after the church’s needs outpace its wallet.  

I feel like the title of this episode really bottom-lines what’s happening here.  Clement Greenberg takes a stand at Jackson’s funeral, Lee doesn’t stand near anyone, and I can’t stand math.  We finally get to talk about what Jackson Pollock’s drip paintings are. And for that, we need the assistance of nerds. So let's watch some ocean waves crash, talk about D ratio with Benoit Mandelbrot, and try to measure a coastline before our brains melt.  A full series is now officially in the books.  I hope everyone had a blast and learned tons of useless information! @artholespodcast artholespodcast@gmail.com