Asking For A Friend

Here we are again – the end of another wonderful season of Asking for a Friend. Yet again, I’m in awe of the experts and guests I’ve had the privilege of speaking to and thrilled with the topics I’ve been able to share with you. This season I’ve wanted to cover a range of topics that we need to be speaking more about, understanding better and particularly, a lot of topics I wish we would normalise and share more openly on. In this season’s final episode, I answer the following questions: 1) I get super wet. Sometimes I get shy about it. Is it normal? I know men love it but I worry. 2) I never want sex anymore, what can I do to change this? 3) Are sex toys degrading towards men? 4) I struggle with pain during sex. I can use tampons and worked with a physio to manage this on my own but as soon as a man comes near me, I freak out. Why can’t I get over this? 5) I want to become a sexologist… how do I do this? I’m in my first year at university studying. I can’t wait for some very exciting content coming your way soon. Keep an eye out for what’s next on Asking for a Friend. This week’s episode is sponsored by & Bam. Erectile Dysfunction can be awkward to talk about, and this makes it hard to treat. &BAM connects you with a doctor and, if suitable, ships prescription treatment plans discreetly to your door. Stop whispering erectile dysfunction at the pharmacy counter.

Forget everything you think you know about sexual desire and listen up! What you've heard or been taught about sexual desire is most likely all wrong... and my guest and our conversation this week are here to change your experience of sex for the better! If there’s someone to learn from about the science of sexual desire, it’s Dr Kristen Mark. She’s a prolific researcher and academic, who’s published and taught extensively on the topic, among other areas in the field of sexual health. She is a behavioural health scientist with an academic background in psychology and public health, and a research interest in sexuality and romantic relationships. She is a professor at the University of Minnesota Medical School and the Director of Education in the Institute for Sexual and Gender Health, within the Department of Family Medicine and Community Health. She is also an Affiliate Research Faculty member at the Kinsey Institute. She is a widely published author and speaker, and is a wealth of knowledge on the topic of sexual desire! In this episode, Kristen and I delve into the truth of sexual desire; one which is pretty far from what we get taught, get told or see on screens. Understanding that differences in desire is normal between partners could in fact protect for your relationship! Check out more of Kristen’s work here: http://www.kristenmark.com This week’s episode is sponsored by My Sexual Health – Credible Sexual Health Providers. Mysexualhealth.co.za is an online destination where you can find or become a Credible Sexual Health Provider. The My Sexual Health Sexology Starter Pack includes 20 (yes, TWENTY!) value-packed sexual health courses that will transform the way you support your patient’s sexual health needs. Check out this episode for a major discount to the Sexology Training Club.

I really wish this topic got more airtime, both in general conversations and in the media. And yet, there’s still so much resistance to opening up discussions around sexual pleasure and disability, particularly in healthcare settings and from healthcare providers to their patients. When someone is learning to navigate a disability, the topic of sex and more specifically, pleasure, are repeatedly left out of the conversation, often leaving people feeling like this part of themselves is something that should cease to exist. My guest today, Makgosi Letimile, completely challenges this narrative and practice. As a disabled woman, mom, sex worker and someone who reviews sex toys, she has refocused her work on promoting pleasure and sexual curiosity for disabled people, in spite of the rigid narrative. Through her own exploration, she has discovered how pleasure can be used not only as a means to enhance her sexual wellbeing, but also as a therapeutic tool to regain bodily function. You can follow Makgosi on Instagram: @wheelsntoys This week’s episode is sponsored by My Sexual Health – Credible Sexual Health Providers. Mysexualhealth.co.za is an online destination where you can find or become a Credible Sexual Health Provider. Check out the episode for a discount on the Sexology Training Club.

While South Africa has some of the more progressive sexual, gender and reproductive health rights globally, and particularly in Africa, we still need the systems that should support those who are gender diverse to catch up. This week I’m speaking to two experts in this field, Elliot Kotze and Ronald Addinall. Both work in the field of mental health and have specialised in gender-affirming healthcare, and both share with me their own journeys around their gender identity. This is a particularly beautiful, honest and authentic conversation that I think is a must-listen no matter what your knowledge on the subject or who you identify as. my guests also share with me some invaluable advice for parents to help them understand and navigate gender identity. Ronald Addinall identifies as a Queer, Masculine of Centre, Gender Non-Binary human who is a clinical social worker, sexologist, activist and highly regarded academic. Elliott Kotze is a counselling psychologist and researcher with extensive experience in gender-affirming healthcare and queer sexual health. His work broadly focuses on improving the quality of life of queer and gender diverse folks through the strategic implementation of community-driven interventions. They are both based in Cape Town. This week’s episode is sponsored by My Sexual Health – Credible Sexual Health Providers. Mysexualhealth.co.za is an online destination where you can find or become a Credible Sexual Health Provider. The My Sexual Health Sexology Starter Pack includes 20 (yes, TWENTY!) value-packed sexual health courses that will transform the way you support your patient’s sexual health needs. Check out the episode for an incredible discount for this training bundle

If you think that kink is ’50 shades of grey’, think again. In this episode, my guest and I delve deep into what kink actually is, how to practice it and how it can even be a therapeutic practice. In my opinion, what we see in mainstream media doesn’t do kink justice as it’s far more nuanced. It involves expert communication, trust, vulnerability, and ultimately revolves around play. My guest for this episode is Avri Spilka, a clinical psychologist specialising in sexuality in Johannesburg, who is also the president of the Southern African Sexual Health Association (SASHA). She’s highly experienced in helping clients navigate kink and helping people achieve a satisfying and rewarding sex life. I’ve known Avri for many years and respect her work and approach to sex positivity immensely. This episode really will expand your view of kink and may even stir some curiosity within you! For more about Avri, visit her website: https://avrispilka.co.za This episode is sponsored by & Bam. Erectile Dysfunction can be awkward to talk about. This makes it hard to treat. &BAM connects you with a doctor and, if suitable, ships prescription treatment plans discreetly to your door. Stop whispering erectile dysfunction at the pharmacy counter. Visit andbam.care, that’s andbam.care, and use the code CATRIONA at checkout for a R50 doctor’s consult and 30% off your first shipment.

Why is it that the idea of non-monogamy makes so many people uncomfortable, and yet monogamy is actually not what human beings started out practicing millennia ago? My guest today is Jonathan Bosworth (he/him/his), a counselling psychologist in Johannesburg, working in private practice, and at the Wits Reproductive Health and HIV Institute (Wits RHI) Trans Health Centre. He cofounded and facilitates: groups for mental healthcare professionals working with sexual orientation, gender identity and expression, and sexual characteristics (SOGIESC), and non-monogamies; a support group for parents and caregiver of gender diverse youth; and support space for educators working with gender diversity. He has special interests in identity and relationships (how we relate to ourselves and others). Jonathan has presented formally on the subject of consensual non-monogamy (CNM) and I knew when I attend that presentation that I wanted to learn more from him. I so often get people asking me if monogamy is ‘normal’ and to that I answer, socially it seems to be but it’s not the only normal. This deep-dive into varied types of relationship dynamics is enlightening and fascinating, and hopefully answers a lot of questions that people may have about relationships. You can connect with Jonathan here: http://www.thejoburgpsychologist.co.za This week's episode is sponsored by My Sexual Health – Credible Sexual Health Providers. Mysexualhealth.co.za is an online destination where you can find or become a Credible Sexual Health Provider. Tune in to the episode for a discount on the Sexology Training Club and become a credible sexual health provider.

This week's topic is one we just do not speak enough about! And I’m thrilled that I get to speak to Genevieve Putter about it. Postpartum doula, coach and content creator, Genevieve Putter, is on a mission… Since becoming a mother in 2016, her life’s purpose has become to spread education around mother-centred care. She’s also the face behind the brand New Normal, with a loyal Instagram following and in-person and digital support groups, and co-created an ante-natal workshop called Oh Baby. She is a certified Postpartum Doula with Wombs South Africa, as well as a Postpartum Care Provider with the international organization, Innate Traditions. She also writes for various publications and online portals as #thedigitaldoula, with her most recent position as an online coach for Lil-lets South Africa’s, Lil-lets Talk maternity programme. After the birth of her son, Genevieve was severely unprepared for her journey into matrescence. After an emergency C-section, the first time mom had no idea that the coming months of navigating life with a newborn would change her life fundamentally. Genevieve helps me understand just how difficult birth can be and how unsupported women often are in this transitional process, and speaks about birth trauma and its nuance within the South African private healthcare system as a mother who experienced it as well as a postpartum doula whose many clients do too. Check out Gen’s work online here: https://www.thenewnormal.support/ or on Instagram: @t.h.e.n.e.w.n.o.r.m.a.l This week’s episode is sponsored by BYY. BYY is the fastest growing parenting portal in South Arica, offering expert advice, free resources and support to the parenting community. Check out Babyyumyum.co.za for more information.

Tantra isn't what you think it is or what the media has packaged it as, and listening to today's guest will inspire you to learn more about it and perhaps, even to venture further into this way of living. Valentina Leo is a renowned and trusted Tantra teacher, who’s philosophy to tantra centres around deep desire and devotion to become truly intimate with reality. Italian born but living in Cape Town for many years now, she’s a well-known teacher in the tantra space and trusted and loved by those who are her students. In this episode, renowned and trusted Tantra teacher Valentina Leo takes us on a journey of wisdom and truth, in trying to understand what tantra is, and that there is no one definition for it. Valentina shares her wisdom with me about the practice of tantra in everyday life and in sex, and how ultimately, tantric practice starts with the individual and should always be about one seeking their own truth. There’s so much to learn in this episode, but don’t expect a set of instructions. Rather, be prepared to become even more curios and intrigued in how tantra could expand not just your sex life but your life as a whole. Find Valentina Leo’s work on YouTube and connect with her through her website www.fascinatingwonderment.com Today's episode is sponsored by Desir, South Africa’s leading sexual health and wellness brand. Desir believes that sexual health is not just about the latest sex toy, but about using products to improve one’s overall sexual health and wellbeing. For 15% off online, use the code FORAFRIEND.

Unfortunately, what most people with a penis expect their sex lives to look like can often be misaligned from what they are experiencing. It’s completely normal, at times, for someone to experience difficulties in their sexual response, including not really wanting sex or perhaps not getting an erection when they want one. My guest today is a professor of urology and the Head of Department of Urology at Dr George Mukhari Academic hospital and Sefako Makgatho Health Sciences University in Pretoria South Africa, Shingai Mutambirwa. Shingai and I had a very honest and real discussion about what those with a penis can experience sexually and why you’ve got to give yourself a break and place less pressure on yourself in how you expect your sexual experience to look like. This episode is sponsored by &BAM. Erectile Dysfunction can be awkward to talk about. This makes it hard to treat. &BAM connects you with a doctor and, if suitable, ships prescription treatment plans discreetly to your door. Stop whispering erectile dysfunction at the pharmacy counter. Visit andbam.care, and use the code CATRIONA at checkout for a R50 doctor’s consult and 30% off your first shipment.

There’s often a lot that can be confusing about seeking help for sexual concerns. Who do you see, what type of professional is right for your needs, how do you avoid seeing a charlatan? I spoke to the eminent Dr Patti Britton, who is prolific in the field of sexuality both for her work with clients and her training of sexual health professionals. Patti and I unpack the differences for you between sex coaching and sex therapy, and help you understand what to look for and expect when seeing someone to overcome sexual concerns. Dr. Patti is a Clinical Sexologist, Sexuality Educator and is known as the “Mother of Sex Coaching” with top level credentials. As a well-respected world leader in sexology, she is an academic, author, popular speaker, trainer and workshop leader, and hosts over 40 DVDs for couples’ sexual enhancement. She is a frequent guest on summits, television shows, documentaries, live talk and news radio, podcasts and magazines, such as Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Women’s Health. She has a private practice near Los Angeles and via Zoom globally. Dr. Patti is the Co-Founder of SexCoachU, the world’s premier credentialing and training organization for sex coaching. Dr. Patti accepts VIP sex coaching clients, especially those referred by their therapist. You can access Dr Patti’s work here: www.BrittonMastermind.com or https://drpattibritton.com/ Sex Coach U website: https://sexcoachu.com/ Her free workbook is available here: https://drpattibritton.com/freegift/ Her brilliant textbook on developing and running a SAR is available on Amazon here: https://www.amazon.com/Designing-Leading-Successful-Patti-Britton/dp/1138236993 This week’s episode is sponsored by My Sexual Health – Credible Sexual Health Providers. Mysexualhealth.co.za is an online destination where you can find or become a Credible Sexual Health Provider. You can access the Sexology Training Club via the website on: Sexology Courses And My Sexual Health: Sexual Health & Sex

Laurie is a highly experienced ASSECT certified sex therapist and the co-host of the chart-topping podcast, Foreplay Radio Sex Therapy. I’ve admired Laurie’s work for many years and long before I had a podcast of my own, I was sharing her podcast with my clients or colleagues because it is a gold mine of knowledge! She’s also an author, speaker, has featured in media from the New York Times to Huffington Post, and offers weekend retreats for couples in North Carolina. With her focus in emotion focused therapy (EFT), Laurie beautifully details how common patterns between partners, that of the withdrawer and the pursuer, can play out sexually. Anyone who’s ever had a sexual partner should listen to this, as I have no doubt that you’ll learn more than think you can about yourself and your sexual style. You can find out more about Laurie here: https://awakeningscenter.org/therapists/laurie-watson Foreplay Radio sex therapy, the podcast she co-hosts with couple’s therapist George Faller, is consistently in the top 10 on iTunes. This week's episode is sponsored by Desir, South Africa's leading sexual health and wellness brand. Desir believes that sexual health is not just about the latest sex toy, but about using products to improve one’s overall sexual health and wellbeing. For 15% off at www.desir.co.za, use the code FORAFRIEND.

How on earth did that happen? Season 3 of Asking for a Friend is done and dusted! I’ve had the privilege of speaking to yet another 11 amazing people, who’ve spoken to me about everything from sex and stress, to mindfulness, period poverty and how to have extraordinary sex. I’ve learnt a fortune from my guests this season and I hope you have too. As always, I end the season with a Q&A of some question you’ve sent to me over the past few months. Today’s episode addresses the following: 1) What impact do contraceptions have on libido? Are they linked to anxiety? 2) What is the difference between intimacy and sex? Isn’t sex enough when it comes to intimacy? 3) How do we recreate closeness since we are always together since the pandemic began? 3) I feel very unconfident in bed after coming out of a 4 year relationship (he’s the only guy I’ve slept with) and I constantly worry about how someone else will find me in bed. Help! I’ll be back in early 2022 with a brand new season and more incredible guests, speaking to topics we need to talk more openly and easily about.

Sadly, I think most people think that great sex equate to sex X times a week or when sex is novel and varied (perhaps by using multiple toys or positions)… but this could not be further from the truth. And don’t we all want to have extraordinary sex? Obviously yes! Who better to speak to about this than the global leader on this topic, none other than the prolific Prof Peggy Kleinplatz. Peggy is a professor of Medicine and a Clinical Professor of Psychology at the University of Ottawa. She teaches Human Sexuality at the University of Ottawa, and is their Director of Sex and Couples Therapy Training. She is also a clinical psychologist. She is considered prolific in the field of sexual health research; being a highly respected and accomplished clinician, her work on optimal sexual experiences is not only exciting but ground-breaking too. You can read up on Peggy’s work here: www.optimalsexualexperiences.com Her book, “Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers” is a must read!

If you struggle with sexual pain, a major concern when seeking treatment is if you will have another experience with another healthcare professional where you feel broken, traumatised or shamed (this is so common and upsetting that I am conducting research on it in order to help health care professionals do better). And so in this week’s episode I’m covering what SHOULD happen in a medical assessment, so that you can empower yourself when you start your journey to recovery. In my opinion, if there’s one person globally who you would want to talk to to learn from or get treated by, it’s my guest this week. She is none-other than my friend and mentor, Dr Elna Rudolph. Elna is a South Africa sexologist and medical doctor who has been working in the field of sexual health since 2010. She founded South Africa’s leading multidisciplinary team, My Sexual Health, and the training platform, The Sexology Training Club. She is the president of the Southern African Sexual Health Association (SASHA), and has just been appointed as the new president of the World Association of Sexual Health (WAS). She is loved and hugely respected by anyone who meets her, and goes above and beyond for not only her patients and colleagues, but to advance the field of sexual health in a direction of inclusivity, sexual justice and sexual rights for all. You can find out the practice Elna started here: www.my sexual health.co.za If you want to improve your knowledge or skills in sexual health, sign up with the Sexology Training Club here, using my discount code BOFFARD for a discount: www.sexologycourses.com

It’s been scientifically proven that consistent mindfulness practice can actually improve your sex life (and most other areas of your life as well) – isn’t that just amazing! But the issue is that most people don’t really have a clear understanding of what mindfulness is, often get frustrated with the practice and tell themselves that they “aren’t good at it” or they “don’t have time.” To explain to you just how powerful this practice can be, I chatted to Dr Lori Brotto, a clinical psychologist, author and researcher in Canada, who is considered the world’s leading expert on the subject. Lori and I take a deep dive into just how useful mindfulness can be for your sexual experience. Mindfulness, the act of paying attention to the present moment, moment-by-moment, without judgement is not supposed to be easy. It can help us manage our emotions and improve our ability to connect with our bodies. We also delve into the difference between compassion and complacency – a concern so many people express when I talk about using mindfulness to change one’s relationship with sex. Dr Brotto practices in British Columbia, Canada and is a faculty member of the University of British Columbia. Her best selling book, “Better sex through mindfulness” is in my top 10 books I’ve ever read!

I call myself an attachment theory nerd all the time. I love this psychological theory and how it clearly helps us make sense of adult romantic relationships. Attachment theory relates to the type of attachments we have to our primary care givers growing up (usually our parents), which can predict what sort of relationship dynamics we might be experience as adults. The more insecure we are as children, the more we struggle as adults and vice versus. Dr Stan Tatkin is a world-leading voice in couples therapy and human behaviour. He is a therapist, teacher, author, researcher and developed PACT – a psychobiological approach to couples therapy. His books are best-sellers across the world, and I often recommend them to my clients and colleagues. Stan is on Instagram @drstantatkin His website, https://www.thepactinstitute.com, is full of useful resources for clinicians and couples.

It almost feels cruel that women experience a ‘Benjamin Button’ effect as we age – from adolescence when our bodies develop and hormones kick into action, to the menopause mid-life when hormonal levels decrease and impact our body. But it’s not supposed to be the ‘end of your womanhood’ or your sex life, as I discuss with my guest this week. Prof Trudy Smith is one of the most highly regarded physicians in the field of obstetrics and gynaecology; both locally and internationally. And she has does extensive work and research around the menopause – the time after a woman’s last menstrual period (usually around the age of 49-51). Trudy and I discuss several aspects of this stage of a woman’s life, including early menopause, what to do when you are in the menopause, and why Japanese women are known to have almost no menopausal symptoms. We obviously discuss how sex is affected by the menopause, and actually, that it can be liberating sexually rather than the myth that it’s the ‘end of your sex life’. Prof Smith consults with only gynaecology patients in Johannesburg, after recently given up obstetrics after many years.

This is one of the topics that I get asked about the most, and in this week’s episode I spoke to Clare Bourne about how to prepare for and manage sex pre and post-partum. Clare is a London-based pelvic health physiotherapist and mum of 2. Having pregnancy and postnatal experience personally, Clare knows what a precious but also vulnerable, and sometimes lonely, experience it can be. Our journey is not all the same, and it’s important as someone who’s giving/given birth to recognise this. There’s so much information out there and too much thinking about what we “should” be feeling. Clare and I delve into how to be ok with what’s happening to you and your body, and how to prepare for changes that inevitably take place. Talking to Clare was a breath of fresh air. She speaks to honestly and clearly about what women can really experience around their bodies, births and sex. She’s amazing to follow on Instagram @clarebournephysio In the episode, we mention the amazing brand Yes organics @yesorganics

"Self-reflection is the area [in the relationship] where the most change can happen." Ever realised that in a new relationship, you notice the same things happen from previous relationships? In this week’s episode, I’m chatting to Dr Amani Zarroug, a Clinical Psychologist and Relationship and Psychosexual Therapist. She specialises in a variety of mental health problems, and has been working in this field for the past 20 years. Amani enjoys working with individuals and couples to improve the quality of their relationships, and their sexual satisfaction. We talk about relationship patterns and common problems that couples could face. I own up about things I realise I have done and have had to reflect on in terms of my own relationships. And Amani emphasises that owning our role in the dynamic that plays out between a couple can really make a massive difference in your relationship. You can follow Amani and her work on Instragram here @dramanizarroug She runs her practice in London, but also consults online.

140 MILLION. That’s how many school days per year are missed by South African girls because they don’t have access to menstrual products. And what’s even more shocking is that it would only cost R130/ £6.50 PER YEAR to change that for a girl. Siv is not the person you’d expect to be behind a major national menstrual product drive (or be a nationals winning pole-dancer and drag queen). He’s ferociously fighting the injustice that girls and women experience daily across South Africa. And he doesn’t feel he’s the one who needs the credit. There’s the word men in menstruation, and as Siv rightly points out, without menstruation, humanity wouldn’t exist. He also believes that if men bled once a month, period products would be free (and I absolutely agree). This is a very real conversation. Siv doesn’t hold back and I’m so glad he doesn’t… but it might be triggering to listen to. Siv is on Instagram @sivngesi, and you can find out more about his incredibly work here: https://menstruation.foundation Please consider donating to the MENstration foundation: https://menstruation.foundation/donate/