Energy vampires are people in our lives that leave us feeling drained and exhausted. Dealing with them is just part of life and we should be trying harder to reach out. Right? Wrong. When people leave us feeling drained it’s because their energy vampires are in charge of the interaction. Often, our own energy vampires rise to meet them and communication becomes confrontation! The good news is, there are respectful strategies we can employ to make our energy is unavailable to these vamps and to quiet our own internal energy suckers. Strategies that don't require us to try harder or do more than our share of the work. In part 1 of this 3 part series, we break down 15 types of energy vampires that will remind you of people in your life. Episode transcript: KD: What I want to talk about today is energy vampires. Energy Vampires are people in our lives that leave us feeling drained and exhausted and one of the reasons why people find themselves unhappy. If you look up on the internet, you get a limited scope of what energy vampires are but I flushed this out to a much greater degree and it ends up being a useful tool for life. This is probably a three or four part series but this is the first episode that is my attempt to flush out what an Energy Vampire is. JB: Is energy vampire your term or a common one? KD: It is a term that floats around; I have not been able to find out where it originated. It is kind of a casual term. Most of what you can see is that don’t be around negative people or with a negative attitude but it's a much more complicated subject that has ever been discussed before. This story begins about 20 years ago, I was fairly new to Comox, had been living there for about four-five years, had a little kid, so I didn't have a lot of opportunities to make friends. So not a lot of support and no family in the area except for my then husband's parents. I was working but the office I was working in was reminiscent of high school and a queen bee dominated it, so everybody had to say what she said or else we were ostracized and made fun off. Either we were in the clique or you were out in which case your life was made miserable by judgment and people gossiping behind your back, it was toxic. My marriage at that time was devolving and so people who drained me surrounded me in every aspect of my life. Therefore, how I came out of that situation and how I came to be a happy person that I am today started with coming to an understanding that there are two ways that people interact- through collaboration or through competition. I got myself out of this by saying yes to collaboration and learning how to say no to competition. I grew up believing that whenever anything goes wrong, I play a part. I was thought that, not only do I play a part, there are two sides to every story, but there’s something I can do about it. If something is going wrong there’s something I can do to make a difference. So how that got into my head was, if there’s a bully and I was being bullied because I wasn't cool enough or smart enough or athletic enough and if I could make myself better that bully wouldn't bully me. Another example, my elder sister, your mom, I wanted nothing more than to hang out with my two years older sister. She refused to hang out with me under any circumstances because I whined a lot and the truth is I was a whiny little kid. So I believed that if I changed that about myself, my sister would hang out with me. One more example, there was neighboring family who had a toddler, an 18-month-old kid and whenever I went there for a play over, this little guy would make a beeline for me and bite me really hard which would inevitably make me cry and I would run home to my mom and she didn't say that it was my fault that it bit me but she would say things like, "Well could you try staying away from him. Maybe go and tell his mom. Maybe just see if you can go to the corner for a minute and not come home crying." I know that she was trying to help me, but the message that I got was somehow, there was something I could do to change the circumstance. There was just enough truth in all of these things, for me to believe that it was somehow my fault. Does that sound like a story you have from your childhood or is that a story you walked through in life? JB: Anytime something bad happened, I definitely can relate to that in childhood but I also think that I was almost too hard on myself in those situations or when anything goes bad, I always think what I can do to change it. KD: I am here to tell you or anyone like you out there listening, that this is a trap. It’s not true. If you think about the bully, the bully is picking on me because of whatever is happening in his life. So there’s nothing about me that’s making him bully me. He is a bully because of what is going on in his life. The truth is that, my sister who is one of my best friends now, would not hang out with me no matter what, there’s no way that my two years older sister was ever going to hang out with me. I held no appeal for her. I am not saying that I am bitter but the idea that if I would have changed myself and she would have hung out with me is nonsense, she is two years older, she is trying to hang out with people two years older than her and she was trying to hang out my older brother. Maybe the most insidious one was somehow if I did something the outcome would be different from that little kid biting me. That somehow I was the victim because I did something wrong or I could do something better and it was not true. Who knows why he bit me? Maybe I was tasty. JB: If another girl was walking home, she would have been bitten too. KD: She might have, I don't know that and It wasn't about me. So that's the first thing I figured out. The whole thing that there are two sides to every story is not always true. In fact, it's somewhere that we get ourselves completely stuck because we are never looking at what the other person may have done, we are always looking for what did we do wrong. The other piece that was important for me to figure out was that sometimes it is not even just neutral. It is not as if the bully picks on me because I am not cool enough. The bully is invading my life; the little boy is invading my life. I am being raided of my life force. There are people, given the right circumstances, will go in and steal energies, good feelings from people around them. JB: So there are good intentions, neutral intentions and then bad intentions? KD: Exactly, and we have been trained as a society, especially maybe Canadians, to say "I wonder what my fault is? I played a part too, I should look at myself and make myself a better person" which is great but what it misses is that sometimes it’s not your fault. Sometimes what you need to realize is that person in that situation is sucking you dry and it is all about them and you need to put a stop to it. So they are levels of human interaction, there’s collaboration where we are working together trying to boost each other and trying to generate a better outcome that neither of us could create alone. There is withdrawal, where I am just not interacting with you and then there’s competition, I have played the game of competition, it will be fun when we get to that part of the conversation because I think competition is never healthy in spite of the fact that lots of people think it is. I just think that competition is coming from the wrong place. JB: So we are going to cover each one of those? KD: We are not going to cover that topic today, today we are going to stay focused on truly coming to understand and identify energy vampires. JB: I was going to say that I want to hear more about withdrawal but you said that it won’t be covered today. KD: I think that is going to come in part two. Getting the gist of energy vampires is easier if you could think of someone in your life that drains you. So after you have interacted with them, you may feel exhausted or stressed out. For the rest of people who are listening, I am going through the rest of the list - exhausted, stressed, frustrated, irritated, outraged- my favorite, defensive, inferior, guilty- you could feel like a failure any of those things. So do you have someone in your mind that causes you to feel drained whenever you interact with them? JB: Yes. KD: Perfect. So here are the rules, again for the ones who want to be nice, I am not one of those, you are either come from the kingdom of nice or come from the kingdom of bitch JB: Those are the only two kingdoms available? KD: Yes, and it's where you come from not the kingdom where you were born or grew up. So nice kingdom people tend to not even have this conversation, because it might be partly their fault, they have all the stories for why they are not going to judge anybody ever. The kingdom of bitch, has a tendency to over-judge, they just write everybody off. Anybody that does not do it their way is just stupid. JB: There is no mediocre in the middle, I-am-kind-of-a-bitch- but- kind-of- nice-sometimes kingdom that I can sign up for? KD: That's where you want to get to. What we're talking about is when push comes to shove what is your tendency? JB: So you have to choose one, black or white. KD: Yes, that's where you came from, that's where you naturally fall and I said that I came from kingdom of nice, I didn't. Now that I think of what the question means, I came from the kingdom of bitch. So, the person that you are thinking of could be someone you know really well or could be someone that you don't know at all or not very well. So I have an example here, there’s a women that I have known ever since the kids were little because they went to school together. I have probably talked to her five times in my whole life. She is lovely and a nice person with a good heart. The reason why I only spoke to her only five times is that if I see her in a grocery store, to this day I duck my head, turn and g
How energy vampires come to be and why we all have them. We develop energy vampires as a strategy to protect ourselves and gain power when we are kids and have no other power. Ever blamed yourself for an uncomfortable interaction? It's a trap. Do you fight, flight, or freeze when you're feeling anxious? Same.
What to do when we encounter energy vampires in our daily lives. They are the undead and they live forever but we can develop strategies to stop feeding them energy.
This episode I chat with my aunty about sometimes feeling anxious in group settings. We talk about the whole Fight, Flight or Freeze thing which I found interesting. I had heard the phrase before but never truly understood it. We talked through a few relatable scenarios and explored some of the potential outcomes that can happen whether or not you're feeling anxious, and how to deal with it.
This time around I chat with my aunty about playing out full conversations in your head before one word is even spoken. She calls it managing both sides of the conversation and turns out it's a pretty common thing we do. She makes the case that managing both sides of the conversation is never a good idea, I beg to differ. We also talk about invaluable honest feedback really is. Enjoy!
We get our first listener question! Full disclosure: it's from my friend. He's wondering what to do late at night when he's stressed/anxious and having trouble falling asleep. This is something I can definitely relate to and my aunt as well. We go back and forth sharing our own personal strategies/solutions and drill deeper into what's actually happening when our minds are racing and we cannot fall asleep. Finances are often a big stressor and can keep you up at night so we touch on that as well as the importance of budgeting. Questions? Shoot us an email at questions@auntyanxiety.com.
This episode Jamal talks about his experience with ADD. He got diagnosed a couple of years ago and catches his Aunty up to speed on everything. They discuss why he got checked out in the first place, his experience using the associated ADD drugs like Adderall, Vyvanse, and Ritalin, and a bunch of non-drug strategies around how to deal with it. The 'Driven to Distraction' book is referenced several times throughout and can be found here: https://www.amazon.com/Driven-Distraction-Revised-Recognizing-Attention/dp/0307743152 The other ADD resource mentioned is Chadd.org! Episode transcript: KD: Hey JB! How are you doing? JB: Fantastic. How are you? KD: I’m really well, thanks. I wanna ask you today about your ADD diagnosis. I know you got in the last couple of years, but I never really heard the story behind it. I’m curious as to how you got diagnosed and what kind of symptoms you had or what difficulties caused you to even go and search it out. JB: I’m not sure where to start. This happened recently. I saw a therapist, a psychologist and she very quickly diagnosed me with ADD. KD: What kind of symptoms of ADD did you have? JB: I started noticing it at work. I would always make a to-do list for work, but I would have such a tough time looking at the items on the list by themselves. I would always look at the list as a whole. Trying to focus on separate tasks from that list would always stress me out and give me anxiety. Those tasks were easy, too, nothing complicated. It just seemed a little bit harder than it should be and it took a toll on my productivity. It stemmed from that. KD: To rephrase that, you felt anxious because it seemed like a lot to do and you couldn’t focus on one thing at a time or decide where to start? JB: Exactly! Also, I was drinking coffee every morning back then. I have now realized it doesn't help me at all, it just makes things worse. KD: So is there anything else that you had noticed? JB: Yeah, I would stop paying attention in conversations if I wasn’t interested and my mind would float elsewhere. Naturally, this lead to uncomfortable situations, especially on customer calls or in meetings at work where I would just totally tune out. It would be almost impossible for me to participate. It got to a point where I would have to go to a really quiet place and close my eyes. That's how I would take calls, because if my eyes were open and I would see anything, I would start thinking about it, no matter how mundane those things might have been. KD: And this is out of your control? For instance you were set on paying attention at the meeting, but because it didn't capture your attention, everything else in the room did. JB: Absolutely. That’s why I dropped out of college. I remember distinctly there was interesting content but sometimes the teacher was so monotone that I would have to prepare myself to be focused. I would usually get caught up in reminding myself to pay attention only to realize I was not paying attention at all. KD: What I think is important to underline is that it’s not regular boredom, but really an inability to bring the focus back. I think you told me that when we talk you close your eyes? Is that the same thing? JB: I do that sometimes if I need to, but it’s easier when we talk, because I am engaged and interested in that conversation. The other day we were talking and I saw my jeans on my bed and thought "Oh crap! I need to get new jeans" and I sort of drifted. KD: And before you know it you are somewhere else, I get it. JB: And my mom and sister would criticize me because I would often ask a question about dinner plans or plans for the weekend, and then I stop listening halfway through. I think you can attest to this as well. KD: Sure I can. I remember when you came for a visit when you were teenager and you were a super nice guy. I didn't know you that well, but you were a lot of fun to be around. You asked me some questions at dinner and after I was almost done responding, you went "Oh! Sorry, no, I didn’t get any of that". So I started again, but you were like "Yeah, no, still nothing". It made me giggle at that time but I didn't realize that's what it was. JB: It’s easy to poke fun at yourself in those circumstances, but there are situations where you’re actually trying to be productive. It’s frustrating not to be able to make an impact in school or at work. Two or three years ago I went home for Christmas and my mom mentioned that her friend’s son and my cousin, both recently got diagnosed with ADD. She suggested I go see somebody because their symptoms sounded similar to stuff I usually do. I loved hearing that, because I had always thought there was an issue surrounding that diagnosis. If you say “I have ADD” to somebody their reaction is often like “Yeah, doesn't everybody these days.” KD: No they don't. I can certainly relate to that. The idea that there's an actual name for what you’re going through is reassuring. You don’t feel like you are just a loser or crazy, but you have an actual condition. JB: It was really cool. I got diagnosed late, around 27 and I was thrilled to hear the news. I did a bunch of research to educate the crap out of myself. I was excited to learn more about myself, but from what I’ve learned, a lot of people in my situation are upset they didn't get diagnosed earlier. They kind of feel like they wasted their time... KD: Right, all the could haves and should haves... JB: Yeah, someone even asked me if I was frustrated by the fact I could have done better at school, but there's pros and cons for everything. KD: The cons are self-explanatory, but I would like to know the pros of a late diagnosis? JB: Simple. I can focus crazy on things I love. There’s a book called "Driven by distraction", I believe it’s a best seller. It's a really good book! If you think you have ADD then you probably could diagnose yourself by reading the book. Anyway, the father of one of my friends is a psychologist and he was the author’s student. He said the best piece of advice the author gave him was: "You need to find something that you love to do, because that's the only way that you are gonna have a sustainable career." And I thought, “that’s great, cause that’s all I’m trying to do.” KD: When someone suspects they might have ADD, what’s the process of confirming it? JB: There’s a questionnaire with a variety of questions. The first psychologist that I saw asked me questions about my childhood. The point was to see if it’s affected school, your friendships, relationships or if it affects your job, then that's a really good tell tale sign that you have it. Diagnosing ADD is tricky because all of the symptoms are common, I mean everybody loses focus, or gets anxious and distracted, but if it’s at a point where it’s impacting your life, then it’s likely you have a condition. There are 9 different kinds of ADD, and the one that I have is ADD with anxiety. I read a book about it, and it was one of those books that felt like it was written for and about me. KD: What are the other kinds? JB: I know there’s ADD with depression, ADD with hyperactivity which is ADHD and I can’t remember the handful of other ones. The interesting thing is that most people think that ADD is that hyper kid... KD: Absolutely, I would have thought that. JB: That kid that comes to mind is the kid with ADD with hyperactivity, but there's a lot of people with ADD that will sit in a classroom or in meetings and just stop paying attention, that's more like me. A lot of my anxiety stems from not being productive, which is a direct result of being scatter-brained. KD: Funny enough, you are one of the most focused people I know. When you do something you love, you are hyper-focused. JB: I think that's where my advantage is. KD: So now that you know you have ADD, are there any treatments available? Do you take drugs? What now? JB: I did take drugs and I think both of the psychologist I saw were way too quick to give them to me. I didn’t like that at all. KD: And these are street drugs almost or they can be used as street drugs? JB: Adderall for sure. KD: What are they called? They are opposite of a depressant? JB: They are stimulants. Adderall is a very powerful amphetamine. I started taking a newer version of Adderall, and it took a while to get the dosage and type of release right. There’s extended release and immediate release. There are a lot of side-effects. It makes you moody, kills your appetite, mutes your motions almost. It enables you to focus but makes it hard to be social. You have to make sure you get a perfect amount of sleep, stay hydrated and have food in your system, which sounds like a breeze, but it’s not. There were times when I was starving but couldn’t eat because food was gross to me… It quickly became a problem. KD: It almost sounds like the cure was worse than the disease. JB: Precisely. It took me around six months to realize that. Ultimately I am glad I went through all this. It allowed me to figure out caffeine was making my life way more difficult than it needed to be, because it amplified the side-effects of the drugs. I quickly realized that adderall was too strong for me, and asked my doctor to prescribe me a milder drug instead. It was a six minute conversation during which he was basically treating me like I was trying to hustle him or trying to get drugs from him. It all felt crazy to me. At that point I decided not to take any drugs, caffeine, anything. And for the past year and a half, I’ve been great, absolutely great. KD: But you haven't gotten rid of the ADD, right? That means you must have developed strategies. I’m guessing quitting caffeine is number one? JB: Absolutely. There was a time in my life where I couldn’t imagine going through my day without at least 3 coffees a day, plus some energy drink before going to the gym. Obviously, I would come home and sleep terribly and then in the morning, I would be really groggy because I hadn’t slept we
This episode is all about quitting and is a follow-up conversation to Aunty Kathy's recent blog post: https://www.kathleendoran.com/blog/have-you-considered-quitting There are lots of ugly stigmas stuck to quitting that aren't necessarily valid. Things like "winners don't quit, quitters don't win" or "winners are not people who never fail, but people who never quit" and so on. It's especially frowned upon these days given that entrepreneurship is now mainstream and there's so much pressure to keep going no matter what. There are tons of benefits to quitting and often times not quitting can be toxic. Questions / comments / feedback you can find us at auntyanxiety.com or email us directly at questions@auntyanxiety.com
Jamal chats with his aunt about something he came across in a self-help book a long time ago. The book is called 'How to Raise Your Self-Esteem: The Proven Action-Oriented Approach to Greater Self-Respect and Self-Confidence' by Nathaniel Branden and it talks about how it's hard enough to accept your flaws but the real challenge is accepting your attributes. So pretty much any advantages you have can be considered an attribute whether it be that you're good looking, funny, smart, charming, etc. Often times it takes practice to 'own' those attributes. Questions / comments / feedback please send to questions@auntyanxiety.com. Link to the book on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Raise-Your-Self-Esteem-Action-Oriented-Self-Confidence/dp/0553266462
Jamal and Aunty Kathy talk through a list of ways to deal with everyday anxiety. Things like going to the gym, making sure to stay hydrated, stretching, foam rolling, etc. This list is not for chronic anxiety but just simple solutions that have worked for them in the past. How do you deal with your anxiety? What are some solutions that work for you? Let us know at auntyanxiety.com.
Jamal talks to Aunty K about living presently. The views/scenery in Banff weren't as good as they could have been due to a wandering mind. The lack of being in the current moment (present-minded) made things a bit tricky at times. Interesting conversation, they go back and forth on the reasons why and a variety of strategies/solutions, and talk self-awareness.
Saying nice things and complimenting people can be hard sometimes. Jamal chats with Aunty K about his struggles with it and some of the reasons he thinks it might be tough. There is no 'solution' in this episode, more just a venting session with some potential solutions and strategies. A good episode to have a follow-up chat about. Is this something you can relate to? Please send any questions/comments/feedback to questions@auntyanxiety.com or visit us at www.auntyanxiety.com. Enjoy!
Another listener question! Here's what the lovely listener wrote "one of the things I have tried to deal with and be better at, is being defensive. I know I inherited it from my dad. Exacerbated big time by my first husband. But there are still, too frequently, many times when my first reaction (ie- not planned or thought out), that I get defensive. Usually with my current, and good, husband. I recognize the origins, and it is better but certainly not gone." Jamal and Aunty Kathy discuss this and share how they relate to this. Great conversation ensues! For anyone else with a listener question please send them to questions@auntyanxiety.com or visit us at www.auntyanxiety.com. Enjoy! P.S. No microphone pop filter used during this episode so the sound quality isn't as great as it normally is : )
iMessage, WhatsApp, Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, Emails.. they're all annoying and tough to deal with sometimes. This episode Jamal and Aunty K talk about how they personally tackle this dilemma... More of a venting session than anything, this digital era can be obnoxious! Can you relate? How do YOU deal with message overload? Would love to hear from you at www.auntyanxiety.com!
"Nuggets" are things that trigger you, that set you off, that take you from 0-100 really quickly. So when you mine for nuggets you're looking for these things that set you off so you can dig a little bit deeper to figure out the reason and ultimately work to solve them. Everybody has things that bother them, things they're insecure about. This episode Jamal and Aunty Kathy share their own experiences with mining for nuggets and how it's positively impacted their lives. Links to resources that were mentioned in the episode are below: "6 steps to help heal your inner child" - https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/09/23/6-steps-to-help-heal-your-inner-child/ "7 things your inner child needs to hear you say" - https://tinybuddha.com/blog/7-things-your-inner-child-needs-to-hear-you-say/
Dishcloth rules meaning funny/weird things that you believe as a kid that are just plain old false. Jamal and Aunty K talk about their own dishcloth rules, share some examples of other ones, and go back and forth on how to identify and move past them because they can be limiting at times. What are some of your dishcloth rules? Let us know at auntyanxiety.com!
Resisting can make things a lot more difficult than they need to be. It could be resisting how you're feeling or resisting something that you don't want to do. Jamal and Aunty K talk about 4 types of resisting and share personal examples and solutions that work for them when resistance rears its ugly face. The books we reference at the end can be found on amazon, links below: The Surrender Experiment - https://www.amazon.com/Surrender-Experiment-Journey-Lifes-Perfection/dp/080414110X The Untethered Soul - https://www.amazon.com/Untethered-Soul-Journey-Beyond-Yourself/dp/1572245379
Jamal and Aunty K have a quick conversation around ego. They discuss their own experiences with ego and how it can affect their day-to-day and chat about some of the ways they work around it. They also touch on the relationship between ego and self-esteem. What are your thoughts on ego? Let us know at auntyanxiety.com.
A conversation about selfishness and how everybody is inherently selfish. There are plenty of times where being selfish is actually beneficial to you and the people around you. Both Jamal and Aunty K share examples from their lives and dissect the negatives stigmas around the word/meaning.
The conversation today is around going with the flow... as in when you have definitive plans and something comes up or you just don't feeling like doing whatever you had planned to do anymore. Do you force yourself to stick to the game plan? Or go another direction? Jamal and Aunty K discuss there thoughts and experiences with these types of situations and how it can affect their days. Show Notes: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/do-only-dead-fish-go-flow-anuradha-kamath/