Authentic Men's Group podcast

Developing Emotional Autonomy in Relationships How do we navigate this vulnerability? By building emotional Autonomy. This means taking ownership of your emotions—understanding them, and managing them. It's about knowing yourself and being responsible for your emotional state rather than numbing out or blaming others. Emotional Autonomy vs. Emotional Immaturity: Emotional Immaturity: "You made me feel this way." / "I'm fine" (when it's not true). Emotional Autonomy: "I feel this way. It's okay to feel this. I'm going to own this emotion and use my resources to support myself. So I can show up as my best self in all my relationships." Steps to Emotional Autonomy : Be curious & Non-Judgmental while Identifying body sensations, emotions, and feelings. Communicate and explore these feelings with a trusted support system. Own your emotional well-being—stop blaming others for how you feel. Take proactive steps to work through distressing emotions. What does it look like to practice emotional autonomy in each circle of relationships? Circle #1 Relationship: Self This is where we discover self. It is internal and eternal. It is the basis of creativity and resourcefulness. It is here we discover the purpose and passion of existence. It is where inspiration can be found. It is the spring of self-love, acceptance, value and authenticity. Circle #2 Relationship: Intimate This is where we express our deepest self in the deepest way. This is the relationship of closest vulnerability and authenticity. This intimacy will find expression in sexuality. (i.e. spouse, sexual partner) Circle #3 Relationship: Select Few This relationship involves individuals to whom there is the deepest bond and devotion. It is a relationship that experiences sincere vulnerability and validity without sexuality. It establishes earnest trust (i.e. close sibling, dearest friends...) Circle #4 Relationship: Few These are relationships we do life with. There is association at mutually connected events like reunions, weddings, funerals, interest groups, (i.e. friendships, family, extended family, associates) Circle #5 Relationship: Mandatory These are the relationships we do because we have to. They are the associations that revolve around our 'to do' list. There is usually a common purpose or goal for the association. (i.e. Work and necessary commitments) Circle #6 Relationship: Peripheral  These are people we keep at arms length for one of two reasons: one, these people have hurt us before and would probably do it again given a chance or two, these people need something every time they make contact. These are (i.e. adversaries, acquaintances, codependent relationships, service clubs) Circle #7 Relationship: Temporal This is the stuff of life. In this circle are the things that 100 years from now will have no value to us and 10 years from now will not mean as much as they do today. These are the houses, the cars and the toys of life. They also encompass things that we can get comfort from that have the potential to form addictions (food, drugs, alcohol, pornography, …)

Emotional Autonomy is about owning your emotions and managing them in a way that strengthens your relationship with yourself without harming others in the process. It's learning to take responsibility for what you feel and working through those emotions in a healthy, constructive way that respects both your well-being and the well-being of those around you. Autonomy involves having the freedom and capacity to act according to one's own principles, values, and interests while taking responsibility for the consequences of those actions. In essence, autonomy is about self-determination, self-direction, and the capacity to shape one's own life and decisions with a sense of personal agency and authenticity. Emotional Autonomy is the practice of understanding your feelings, regulating them, and taking full responsibility for how you respond to them. It's not enough to just "not feel numb"—that's survival mode. Emotional Autonomy means diving into your inner world, understanding what's going on, and learning to navigate your emotions instead of suppressing them or avoiding the discomfort they bring. It's about stopping the blame game. Too often, we expect others to change so we can feel better: "You made me feel this way." That kind of thinking gives away your power and keeps you stuck. Real growth happens when you own your emotions and choose to work through them, even when it's hard. It means admitting where you might have been wrong and learning how to take responsibility for your emotional well-being. Emotional Immaturity: "You made me feel this way." "I don't know why I feel this way." "I'm fine." (When it's not true.) Emotional Autonomy : "I was curious about my emotions.  I discovered that I feel this way, and that's okay.  I'm going to own this emotion and use my resources to support myself through it." "What emotions do you often suppress? What's one small step you can take today to acknowledge and own that feeling?" Balancing Vulnerability and Assertiveness  "Balancing vulnerability and strength means integrating both. It's not either or it's both and."  Think about how truly hard it is to share your dark secrets, you know the ones that only you know about yourself. Now imagine telling someone these things. Seems pretty terrifying doesn't it. That's why I say being vulnerable in a safe environment is one of the strongest things we can do.  Key Points: Be aware of your emotions and why they're arising. Communicate with clarity, staying assertive but not defensive. Build a support network beyond your partner—friends, mentors, groups—to help process emotions and challenges. Practical Steps for Emotional Autonomy : Step 1: Be Curious and Non-Judgmental: "Identify what's happening in your body. Notice physical sensations, emotions, and reactions." Step 2: Communicate and Explore: "Share your emotions with a trusted support system. Don't bottle them up." Step 3: Own Your Emotions: "Avoid blaming others. Take responsibility by saying, 'I feel this way,' instead of 'You made me feel this way.'" Step 4: Take Action: "Engage in self-care activities and proactive strategies to manage distressing emotions."

The Vulnerability Myth (Part 1)  Let's face it— dating and relationships can be a minefield for men. On one side, we're told to open up, be vulnerable, and share our emotions. But when we do, the response isn't always what we expect. Sometimes, it's met with anger, confusion, or even panic. Other times, it feels like the person across from us wants to jump in and fix our problems as if we can't handle them ourselves. It's a tricky balance. Here's the truth: being emotionally aware and understanding how to regulate our feelings is critical for men. But vulnerability alone isn't a magic key that unlocks deeper relationships or solves all our problems. In fact, without the right understanding and approach, vulnerability can create more confusion, leaving us and our partners feeling lost. So, in today's episode, we're diving into what it really means to be vulnerable as a man in today's world—how to find that balance between strength and openness, and why emotional awareness is the foundation for real, healthy connection. We'll bust some myths, share some stories, and give you practical steps to navigate this space with confidence. Let's get into it. So what is the Vulnerability Myth? Reid's Setup of the Vulnerability Myth : The "Vulnerability Myth" tells us that if men just open up, share their emotions, and show vulnerability to their partner, they'll automatically be seen as good men, and magically, all their problems will disappear. But here's the truth: vulnerability alone isn't a magic wand. It's important, yes—but it's only part of the equation. When your partner asks you to be more vulnerable, they aren't looking for you to fix every problem in your relationship. What they really want is to know that you're aware of your inner world and that you can manage your emotions in a healthy way. They want to see you not just feeling things but moving through those emotions with intention—whether that's through self-care, leaning on your support system, or simply knowing when to take a step back. Ultimately, a man who understands what he's feeling and knows how to navigate those emotions with the right tools and a supportive community becomes someone who feels steady and trustworthy—someone who is both safe and desirable as a partner. As Connor Beaton puts it, "A man who is not aware of his emotional state, denies it, or cannot control his emotions when they arise, is seen as a potential danger, weak, and a threat—not only to himself but to his family, his partner, and women in general." "Vulnerability, when met with misunderstanding or negativity, can do more harm than good." "Men often feel encouraged to open up but then face emotional responses from their partners that push them away. It creates a cycle of disconnection." Reflection: "Have you ever felt pressured to be vulnerable but didn't know how or felt punished when you tried? How have these experiences shaped your view on vulnerability?" Myths About Vulnerability Myth 1: Vulnerability is a Weakness "Vulnerability is an act of courage, not weakness. It's about showing up despite uncertainty and risk." Myth 2: Men Don't Do Vulnerability "Our lives are full of uncertainty and emotional exposure. Leaning into these dynamics is the essence of vulnerability." Myth 3: I Can Go It Alone "Humans are wired for connection. Belonging is crucial for our mental well-being, and groups like AMG provide that space." Myth 4: Trust Comes Before Vulnerability "Trust and vulnerability go hand-in-hand. Vulnerability fosters trust when done with intention." Myth 5: Vulnerability is Disclosing Everything to Everyone "True vulnerability requires discernment. Without boundaries, it becomes manipulation or oversharing." I love this statement by Brene' Brown.  If we are sharing vulnerabilities just for the sake of sharing, then maybe we have an ulterior motive.  

What is "Shadow Work"? Shadow Work involves digging into the parts of ourselves we've hidden away because they seem too ugly, weird, or unacceptable. This survival tactic might help us through childhood, but it wreaks havoc on our adult lives, leading to inauthenticity.  Shadow Work is about embracing your whole self – the good, the bad, and the ugly – and integrating these parts into your life. The Enneagram and Shadow Work The Enneagram is a powerful tool for understanding our personality and the shadow parts we hide. Each of the nine Enneagram types has qualities that are often suppressed and those that are highlighted. Understanding your Enneagram type helps you identify the specific qualities you tend to suppress, offering a roadmap for targeted Shadow Work. Enneagram Test Link: https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/ Type One: The Reformer Persona: To be good, to have integrity Shadowed Parts: Anger, imperfection deny spontaneous behavior, fun, and anger as resentment.  Let your hair down, be carefree  Highlighted: Responsibility, correctness Famous People: Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Emma Watson Type Two: The Helper Persona: To be loved, to be needed Shadowed Parts: Own needs, selfishness deny their own needs, own creativity and individuality. explore your own wants and needs. Find their own authenticity and individuality. Say no and find self identity.  Highlighted: Generosity, helpfulness Famous People: Mother Teresa, Princess Diana, Oprah Winfrey Type Three: The Achiever Persona: To be valuable, to be admired Shadowed Parts: Failure, inauthenticity deny effectiveness over efficiency, ability to fail, telling themselves the truth Be honest about limits, be ok with failing, reclaim your genuine self.  Highlighted: Success, efficiency Famous People: Tom Cruise, Taylor Swift Type Four: The Individualist Persona: To find themselves, to be unique Shadowed Parts: Ordinariness, envy deny confidence, courage, happiness, being normal and similar  pull out positivity and goodness they have, be ok being ok, look to be positive Famous People: Frida Kahlo, Prince, Johnny Depp Type Five: The Investigator Persona: To understand, to be competent Shadowed Parts: Dependency, emptiness deny connection with others, emotional focus and feel, ok not knowing  Be ok not proving around others, don't need all the answers, embrace and do emotional health work. Highlighted: Knowledge, independence Famous People: Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, Bill Gates Type Six: The Loyalist Persona: To be secure, to be supported Shadowed Parts: Doubt, fear deny being ok with unknown,  living in the now, trust self and others  Trust self, practice being present, let go over worry and know future outcomes.  Highlighted: Loyalty, responsibility Famous People: Mark Twain, Ellen DeGeneres, J.R.R. Tolkien Type Seven: The Enthusiast Persona: To be satisfied, to be content Shadowed Parts: Pain, limitation deny simplicity, being bored/still, consistency and structure  Focus, structure, being ok in simple tasks and simple life. Highlighted: Joy, adventure Famous People: Robin Williams, Jim Carrey, Richard Branson Type Eight: The Challenger Persona: To be in control, to protect themselves Shadowed Parts: Vulnerability, weakness deny need to be vulnerable, sensitivity, or ask for help. ask for help, be vulnerable, trust more, find innocence around creatures and kids, child likeness. Soften selves Highlighted: Strength, leadership Famous People: Martin Luther King Jr., Winston Churchill, Serena Williams, and Reid Horn Type Nine: The Peacemaker Persona: To have inner peace, to avoid conflict Shadowed Parts: Conflict, assertiveness deny in the shadow their anger. Knowing your own wants and passions.  explore and feel anger. Find what you want, see conflict as necessary and inevitable.  Highlighted: Harmony, acceptance Famous People: Abraham Lincoln, Audrey Hepburn, Keanu Reeves  

Shadow Work (Part 2)  Today, we're diving into a topic that's as crucial as it is uncomfortable: authenticity.  Let me set the stage for this podcast. Picture this: a man finds his marriage on the brink of falling apart. He's convinced he's doing everything he "should" do to keep it together, yet he feels like he's constantly falling short. Growing up, he learned that showing certain emotions or traits of himself like being "too excited" or "too hyper" could jeopardize his relationships and get him in trouble with his parents – "boys don't cry," "toughen up," "Good kids are seen and not heard" you know the drill. Fast forward to adulthood, and he's still suppressing these parts of himself. He believes that if he shows vulnerable emotions or is "too much," his partner will see him as weak. This habit of hiding – which began as a childhood survival tactic to secure connection with parents, friends, and others – is now wreaking havoc on his relationships. This brings us to the idea of the Shadow.  The Shadow is all those parts of ourselves we've shoved into the dark because we were told they're unacceptable.  This act is what we call repression – unconsciously hiding these aspects to fit in and feel loved. And no shame. This helped us survive as kids and attempt to earn the connection that we need. As kids, we didn't have a concept of the Shadow or the idea that hiding parts of ourselves would cause future issues.  But as adults, we take it a step further with suppression – consciously choosing to hide these parts, leading to continued inauthenticity and keeping us from realizing our full potential.   Today, we'll break down the difference between repression and suppression and why recognizing and integrating these shadow parts is essential for living authentically. We'll also integrate your Enneagram personality type to help you identify what you may be suppressing and share practical steps for self-integration. What is "Shadow Work"? Shadow Work involves digging into the parts of ourselves we've hidden away because they seem too ugly, weird, or unacceptable. As kids, we desperately need to feel safe and connected with those around us. If any part of us seems like it might threaten that connection, we quickly learn to hide it. How the Shadow forms: childhood experiences, societal expectations, and personal trauma. Swiss Psychologist Carl Jung called these hidden parts the "shadow."  Gabor Maté insightfully said that as kids, we will choose attachment over authenticity every time. This survival tactic might help us through childhood, but it wreaks havoc on our adult lives, leading to inauthenticity.  Shadow Work is about embracing your whole self – the good, the bad, and the ugly – and integrating these parts into your life. Eragon Book Series concept of "True Names"  Defining Repression Repression is like stuffing everything you didn't want anyone to see into an old closet. As kids, we need secure attachment with our caregivers, so we hide anything that might threaten that bond. Imagine being a kid and hearing, "Boys don't cry," every time you felt like letting tears flow. You bury those feelings to maintain connection and acceptance. This protective habit doesn't disappear when you grow up. It sticks around, leading to a life that's not fully you. Defining Suppression If repression is unconsciously hiding parts of yourself, suppression is when you do it knowingly. It's a conscious choice to keep certain aspects hidden to fit the image you want to present. Think about the boy who grew up hearing, "Men don't cry." As an adult, he might suppress his emotions around his partner, thinking, "I can't let them see me cry; they'll think I'm weak." Suppression creates a barrier between you and genuine connection, denying yourself the freedom to be who you truly are. I see this all the time in counseling, whether I am working with someone in their early 20's or in their 70's.  They have held onto the things they've learned the "should do" in order to fit in and earn the connection and attachment they deserve and need. Even if it is at the cost of their Authenticity.     This is a common story among those in the LGBTQ+ community who are growing up.  Many will choose to remain in the closet and hide their sexuality, gender identity, and more to remain connected and attached to their attachment figures.   The Impact of Repression and Suppression Repression and suppression keep us from living authentically, creating a gap between who we are and who we present to the world. This gap leads to feelings of dissatisfaction, anxiety, and even depression. Without doing your personal shadow work you will never realize your full potential.   In relationships, this inauthenticity acts like a silent killer. Not allowing yourself to be vulnerable creates distance, misunderstanding, and dissatisfaction. Ask yourself: What have you been hiding? What parts of yourself did you shove into the shadows to feel accepted? How can you start bringing those parts into the light? The journey to authenticity starts with acknowledging these repressed and suppressed parts of yourself. It's about exploring your shadow, sorting through the mess, and integrating those hidden aspects into your life. Imagine a man who has always suppressed his emotional side. As he begins to integrate this hidden aspect, he allows himself to feel and express emotions more openly, connecting more deeply with others. Consider another man who has always hidden his creative side. By acknowledging and embracing this part of himself, he finds joy and fulfillment, inspiring others around him. The cost of all this hiding and masking is inauthenticity. You end up living a life that isn't fully yours, constantly editing yourself to meet others' expectations. This creates a gap between who you are and who you present to the world, leading to dissatisfaction, anxiety, and emptiness. The path to authenticity is challenging but essential for true connection, fulfillment, and self-acceptance. Identifying Your Shadow Self-Reflection Techniques What parts of myself do I feel I need to hide to be accepted by others? Have you worked with others who were hiding parts of themselves? When do I feel the need to put on a different persona? Have you worked with others who did this? What emotions do I avoid expressing, and why? Have you worked with others who did this? Journaling prompts and questions to uncover hidden aspects of the self. Meditation and mindfulness practices for deeper self-awareness. Common Signs and Triggers Where you react, there lies a shadowed part.  Get curious and non-judgmental about that reaction. There is a mountain of wisdom there that your system is trying to communicate if we would only listen.  Building A Relationship with Our Parts When you start to uncover a part in your shadow, your next step is to build a relationship with that part.  Be curious and non-judgmental with that part.  Ask it how it is trying to protect you by suppressing this aspect of yourself.  Ask it what it would need to let you integrate this part of you.   Conclusion Today, we've delved into our shadows, exploring how aspects we learned to hide as kids can shape our adult lives, leading to inauthenticity. Repression and suppression are real, impactful forces that can mess with our relationships, mental health, and overall sense of self. Understanding these concepts is a step closer to reclaiming your authentic self. Remember, authenticity isn't about being perfect; it's about being real. It's about acknowledging those shadowed parts of ourselves and integrating them into our daily lives. What's next? Reflect on the exercises we discussed. Ask yourself those tough questions. Join a group like the Authentic Men's Group (AMG) or work with a therapist or coach. I've created a journal to help you start your shadow work process. Visit www.horncounseling.org/tms to get a free copy of the Shadow Work Journal. Authenticity isn't a destination; it's a continuous process. It's about showing up, day after day, as your true self – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Start small, stay committed, and watch your life transform. Thanks for tuning in. If you have thoughts, questions, or stories to share, reach out at AMG.buzz. We'd love to hear from you. Until next time, keep striving to be the real you.