#AutisticAF Out Loud

Content Note: This piece addresses troubling family history and inherited complexity.TranscriptAutistic Spoken Word on this Moment? “Slouching toward Montauk”Cold openMy grandfather was a… complex man.He slept beside an orderly nightstand.Tucking Mein Kampf tightIn its tidy drawer every night.And…He used to take me sailing.{Silence}I call this one…Slouching Toward Montauk... Let’s say… I’m in my 70s now. Happiest time of my autistic life.Not too worried about some fabulous unachievable autistic Nirvana… These days…Now, here’s that story.My grandfather was a… complex man.He slept beside an orderly nightstand.Tucking Mein Kampf tightIn its tidy drawer every night.And…He used to take me sailing out to Montauk Point… a sea journey from Bay Shore, Long Island… at least as he sailed it on the ocean side… swinging out into the deep water…In his telling, it was a fabulous place.Where a sandstone lighthouse lit the waves, warning of danger.Where the grass on the golf course grew sideways.And every single damn tree bowed toward the West…From the eternal wind blowing onshore.His heaven on earth, he called it…...The wind carries all the sound away…But its roar in my earscreates a kind of hushed silenceinside me..I always experience high anxietyas we lose sight of the shore.Just sky, waves & constant rolling…Disoriented.Like a whiteout in a blizzard.If you throw in some seasickness.But after an hour or so, I make my way to the prow. And sit.Wind on my faceSun on my bodySalt breeze filling my chest…Quieting my heart.Anxiety? Disorientation?I observeThe fixed lighthouseIn the far off dusk.Splashing its light… bravelyInto the spray.Knowing deepIn its softNative sandstone heart…Time and tide wait for it....I stop caring about the shoreline. And the anxious Hell waiting for me on the other side. For hours at a time.....Who cares about sailing toward Montaukand its fabulous trees…anymore…Or... ever again?I’m busy breathing in…thisfabulous momenthereRuntime: ~3:50More spoken word: Living Autistic Truth playlistSubscribe free to receive new autistic spoken‑word & essays… and instantly get my “thank you” gift: a free PDF of my poetry & art chapbook, every clock is a handgun pointed at my head.This moment... this New Year... disturbs many. This piece shares a disturbing moment from my autistic youth—and how I survived it. It weirdly relates to right now.At 70-something, this is the happiest time of my autistic life. Not chasing distant goals—just breathing in this fabulous moment here.This piece inverts Yeats’ “Second Coming” to tell a personal story about my grandfather, sailing out to Montauk Point, and discovering that the anxiety of losing sight of shore gives way to something unexpected. A refuge from the Hell waiting for me back on the shore…Thanks for reading #AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter! The algorithm hates me. I must be doing something right… so feel free to share it.I’m an autistic poet and spoken word performer, diagnosed at 63. Now in my 70s. I’ve been publishing AutisticAF Out Loud since 2019… work that refuses to be packaged. My spoken word piece , every clock is a handgun pointed at my head, was published in Wordgathering, a journal of disability poetry & literature. In 2022, I spoke at the UN World Autism Acceptance Day about my illustration work rooted in autism & ADHD.I live in a rural Indiana trailer… across the courtyard from my wife’s trailer… with my 2 dogs & cat. Occasionally I shave… to face Walmart.The algorithms hate me. I must be doing something right.#SpokenWord #AutismAcceptance #AutisticPoetry #Mindfulness#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts free, click the link below. To support my work, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Friends, Grief & Autism…? They say we have no feelings…They say autistics don't have emotions. Don't make friends. Clue, I ain't Spock.This is "My Friend Billy." A spoken word piece about grief, friendship, and what they never tell you about our autistic hearts. From my Amazon chapbook "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head."3 minutes that blast the myth that autistic people lack emotional depth… wide open.Billy died in a polar vortex. Alone in his home. Local newspaper may have blandly read, “A Politician Lies…Local Man Dies.” But he never left my autistic mind. Still laffs in my autistic heart. Teaching it how to praise.👉 Chapbook (paperback & Kindle): https://www.amazon.com/every-clock-handgun-pointed-head-ebook/dp/B0FNLHC6SY👉 Full text + free newsletter: https://johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/👉 New here? Living Autistic Truth playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL_812RrZO_QWB-WHVZRBe-hjr37UNPxdb—Chapters00:07 Intro: They say we have no feelings00:21 65, going on death, woke…01:14 A politician lies… local man dies01:30 Billy . . . I wish I were that poet01:52 Laffing . . .  How he outraced cops02:29 missed him… for an hour—From a live subscriber stream. Original visual art by author throughout. Digital tools include AI.Hand sketches: grave marker, closing abstract image “Bardo #1.”—#ActuallyAutistic #SpokenWord #AutisticPoetry #Neurodivergent #Grief #Friendship #AutisticJoy #DisabilityPoetryJohnny Profane Âû | Born 1953 | Not here to inspire you — here to give you an experience of a life.Stay weird. Stay fierce. Stay alive.We got this. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Where does my autistic rage come from? Not from being born wrong. From being raised, schooled, mocked, trained, therapped, and medicated into it.This is about the source. The ones who created what they blamed us for. No apologies, no redemption arc—just the accusation.Content note: Strong language, family trauma, discussion of rage & medical consequences of the rage they told us to keep inside + the experiences & opinions of one autistic elder. Born in 1953.👉 Gift Season: “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head”https://a.co/d/3e0Uc7iRaw spoken word & art exploring autistic experience without the inspiration porn.Perfect for:* Your autistic or ADHD someone (the gift of being seen)* That someone who isn’t... and wants connection (the gift of understanding)👉 Get the chapbook, “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head”: https://a.co/d/3e0Uc7i👉 Full text & community: https://substack.com/@johnnyprofane1👉 Live Autistic Truth playlist: 25 live performances of autistic spoken wordChapters:0:11 Intro: Where Autistic Rage Comes From1:05 I Wasn’t Born this Way1:19 F#&% that Noize1:23 The Nightmare Was You1:41 Being Me around… You1:57 So Many Yous2:07 I Blame You3:11 “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head” chapbooRecorded live, November 2025. Minimal production—raw delivery, authentic processing.This piece discusses:Autistic burnout and rage, family trauma and estrangement, school trauma, workplace discrimination, forced masking consequences, neurodivergent anger, medical consequences of chronic stress (including stroke), unmasking and living authentically.#ActuallyAutistic #AutisticRage #FamilyTrauma #SchoolTrauma #Neurodivergent #AutismBurnout #SpokenWord #NeurodivergentVoices #AutisticAF #UnmaskingAutisticAF Out LoudNot here to inspire you. Here to give you an experience of a life.Born to raise hell. Autistic style.Transcript:Family, school, work...? They created this autistic badass. I wasn’t born under a star named Rage.I’m going to read something. It’s a little bit on the, uh... I don’t know, testy side? And it’s a work in progress. No inspiring ending... yet. Maybe never. Because sometimes there isn’t one.This is about where autistic rage comes from. I’m not ashamed of it. Any more than I’m ashamed of my autistic joy. This is me. It’s why being targeted first isn’t just political. It’s, uh... it’s personal, real personal. It’s a lifetime of being told, I’m the problem. We’re the problem. You’re the problem. And then watching them try to starve us... for political points.I call this... “I Wasn’t Born under a Star named Rage.” I think you get where... you see where I’m headed.I drempt I was on a journey And Charles Bukowski was my guide Like Virgil, Dante… but in a hurry A modern pace for a modern time... fuck that noize I had a screaming nightmare last night and it was you yeah it was a hellscape being around you watching my step around you holding my tongue around you Cringing around you being… me around you I wasn’t born under a star named Rage. No. You raised me You schooled me You mocked me You groped me… so many yous You trained me You therapped me You medicated me I blame you Right or wrong In my blinding, Stroke-at-age-30, repressed… rage I blame you.That’s it. There’ll be more. Maybe there’ll be a redeeming ending. Maybe not. That’s where I’m at. That’s the fuel.You don’t have to relate to every line. And of course, there’s nobody in this audience who’s a “you.” I think you know who “they” are. But if you’ve got rage too, you got my permission to express it. Because you’re not alone in it.Okay. I need to get off and go sleep for a few hours. It’s amazing how I work up for these things. And they can be... difficult for me. I’m so pleased you showed up. I’m so pleased you listen to me sometimes. I’ll talk to you soon.#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click to receive new posts and a free subscription. To support my work, consider choosing a paid subscription. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

A father’s reflection on parental regret, missed connections, and what it means to forget the life you didn’t live. Raw spoken word + visual art. No hidden meanings. No inspiration. Just what it’s like👉More poetry: “Live Autistic Truth” playlist (link below) 👉 Full collection: “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head” (link below)👉 Transcript: Link in commentsContent note: Parental regret. Family estrangement. Unfiltered autistic experience.This piece explores the strange way autism and ADHD collapse time. How life-defining choices can feel as forgettable as a radio contest you meant to call. How parental regret sits next to everyday absurdity. How half flying and half falling can be the same motion.Not here to inspire you. Here to give you an experience of a life.CHAPTERS0:00 - Like some angel with a dislocated shoulder0:15 - Half flying, half falling from the day I was born 0:45 - To a silent piano score... a horror picture show1:05 - Don’t be a dick. Real talk.1:25 - That call-in contest you just knew you could win1:35 - Hell, like this song.—————MORE FROM THIS COLLECTION👉 Full chapbook: “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head: songs of autistic innocence...and experience”Amazon: hhttps://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL_812RrZO_QWB-WHVZRBe-hjr37UNPxdb👉 “Live Autistic Truth” playlist (13 spoken word pieces - poetry + performance + visual art):https://www.amazon.com/every-clock-handgun-pointed-head-ebook/dp/B0FNLHC6SY👉 Read the transcript + subscribe for weekly pieces: ABOUT THIS WORKI’m a 72-year-old autistic poet, performer, and multimedia artist. Diagnosed late in life. Making work that gives you the actual experience of being autistic. Not explanations, not inspiration narratives. Raw, unfiltered, unapologetic.This piece explores three intertwining themes: parental regret, the autistic experience of time, and what it means to be seen. Plain language. No academic jargon. No hidden meanings. If you’re autistic, maybe you’ll see yourself. If you’re not, maybe you’ll understand us a little better.Born to raise hell. Autistic style.GIFT IDEALooking for a meaningful gift for someone autistic in your life? This chapbook says “I see you” not “I want to fix you.” Available on Amazon + as Substack gift subscription.#SpokenWord #Poetry #ActuallyAutistic #AutismAcceptance #VisualPoetry #MultimediaArt #PerformancePoetry #NeurodivergentArt #AutisticVoices #ContemporaryPoetry This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

A spoken word piece about family wounds, estrangement, and choosing to live unapologetically. From Elvis dying on Mount Marcy to stalking Death Valley stars—this is what shameless looks like when you stop trying to be the son they ordered.👉 Gift Season Special: “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head”https://a.co/d/3e0Uc7iRaw poetry & art exploring autistic innocence and experience. Perfect for:* Your autistic or ADHD someone (the gift of being seen)* That someone who isn’t... and wants to understand (the gift of connection)👉 Get the chapbook: https://a.co/d/3e0Uc7i👉 Full text & community: https://substack.com/@johnnyprofane1👉 Live Autistic Truth playlist:https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL_812RrZO_QWB-WHVZRBe-hjr37UNPxdbChapters:0:00 Family Is Complex for Me0:11 Living Life Perfectly Shameless0:45 Mount Marcy to Death Valley1:28 No Mask Hides the PainRecorded live, November 2024. Minimal edits—this is what authentic sounds like.#ActuallyAutistic #ADHD #SpokenWord #FamilyDysfunction #AutisticPoetry #NeurodivergentVoices #AutisticAF---AutisticAF Out LoudNot here to inspire you. Here to give you an experience of a life.Born to raise hell. Autistic style.TranscriptFamily is complex for me, Autistic Plus ADHD. So I call this one, Shameless.Live long enough Ya get a lot right, Get a lot wrong. Get to know Well enough Ya can’t be a saint Lurking in shadow… Living life perfectly Shameless. Shameless. Oh let me be Shameless… No sun sets On a painless life, So no moon shines On a stainless wife. Oh let me be… come Shameless. Scaling Mount Marcy That night as Elvis died, Got branded a Mountebank As my sister grew colder. Stalking Death Valley Same sister… now dead… to me Same stars… chill my shoulders Now living life perfectly Shameless… Shameless. Oh let me be Shameless… No peak caps An aimless life, And no grave ever filled By a blameless knife. Oh let me be… come Shameless… No mask hides The pain in life, So no words can Explain my fight. So, let me Be… come Shameless. I hate it, I love that one.This year, give the gift of being seen… to your autistic or ADHD someone.Or the gift of connection to someone…. who isn’t. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Trump brings Gaza war crimes home to US autistics.Using starvation to subjugate people is a war crime, whether at the point of a gun or denying SNAP benefits.November 1st, SNAP halted. Healthcare funding threatened. Social Security could vanish, Trump warns. 42 million Americans face losing food assistance. Not someday—right now.A nation that uses starvation on its own civilians? I’m no lawyer, but I’d argue that’s tantamount to war on its own people. Any day of the week. And I consider it a crime in its own right, even if courts reserve “war crime” for armed conflict.I can hear it already: “You’re being dramatic. That’s hyperbolic. You can’t compare domestic policy to Gaza.”Watch me.Medieval siege techniques. Surround them and starve them out. Whether it’s Gaza or Indiana.What’s Actually Happening?The Trump administration threatens benefits we count on to exist as political leverage during government shutdown negotiations. Support promised to the American public for decades, transformed into weapons to get what Trump wants.Here’s what international law says about that. The Rome Statute explicitly classifies starvation of civilians as a war crime, a crime against humanity. Around the world, deliberately depriving people of food for political gain—that’s defined as genocide.These aren’t my words, they’re international law.Gaza starvation: internationally recognized war crime.SNAP weaponization: They can call it an unfortunate policy choice, but it’s the same tactic, just a different population. Location doesn’t change that. Denying food to gain power simply is withholding food, withholding life for power. They’re not negotiating. They’re holding a gun to our heads.Why Autistics First?Numbers tell you everything you need to know. Autistics face an 85% unemployment rate. So we depend a lot on SNAP—I do. Most of us depend on Medicaid to see our doctors, and many of us are disabled, unable to work. So SSI dependency just to live, it’s a high priority.The government knows exactly who gets hit when they pull these levers: autistics, neurodivergents. We’re the most vulnerable first. We have the least political power of any minority group, I think.And look at the language they use. “Efficiency.” “Streamlining.” “Reducing dependency.” It’s the old Nazi “useless eaters” logic dressed up in techno-bro management appeal. Killing off the weak, dusted off and wrapped in budget terminology. We’re the testing ground, that’s how it always works. Start with disabled people. Normalize the tactic. See who complains, see if you can get away with it. Then expand to the next group.We’re the canaries in the coal mine. We die first. And we’re already choking.The Roll Call of History: Every Empire Does ThisWant to know how I know this is a war crime? Because every failing empire does exactly this. Brings colonial violence home. Every. Single. One.France took torture techniques from Algeria, brought them home for Paris riot control. The U.S. militarized policing in the Philippines, deployed in Ferguson. Britain did the exact same thing: tactics used in the Irish colonies, in India, that came home to British workers as labor disputes escalated.This isn’t speculation. This is documented history. The Ottoman Empire in its death throes: Armenian genocide, Greek genocide, Assyrian genocide. Ancient Rome. Ancient Egypt. Every single one.The pattern is always the same. It starts with unpopular groups: Jews, immigrants, disabled people, people they call “defective,” “foreign,” “unproductive.” Test on them first, see if anyone notices, see if anyone stops you, then expand.Scholars have a term for this: the “boomerang effect.” Or “internal colonialism”—when you apply colonial logic to your own people. Black radical thinkers saw this first, by the way. They recognized the pattern decades ago.The Gaslighting Ends HereSo when someone says “You’re being dramatic”? No. I’m being historically accurate.“That’s hyperbolic.” The Rome Statute disagrees. I can read you the details.“You can’t compare domestic policy to war.” Every empire in history already done that. They already made that comparison for me.We’re not comparing tragedies. “Who’s suffering more than who?” We’re recognizing tragedy.When policy debates require trigger warnings like this article, like this livestream, maybe it’s not policy.When negotiations threaten survival, maybe they’re not negotiations.When efficiency means starvation, maybe it’s not efficient. It’s fucking violence.That need for trigger warnings says it’s violence. Not discourse. We’re not being fragile. We’re being informed. We’re watching it happen in real time. Hell, it’s obvious in every bowl of beans I eat instead of a hell of heavily tariffed hamburger.What We DoLiving through empire in decline: deadly for many. But here’s what we do.We call it as we see it. We refuse sanitized language.When they say “policy,” we call it violence. Because starvation kills as sure as a bullet. Just slower.When they say “negotiate,” we name it hostage taking for the purpose of political power.When they say “efficiency,” we shout starvation tactics.It’s medieval siege by budget. No catapults. No cannons. Just clean spreadsheets.We document the pattern. We recognize what’s really happening while it’s happening. We tell the truth about what we’re witnessing. And we survive together.How? Let’s talk again soon on meaningful resistance, survival, and mutual aid. I’m nearly ready to share my thoughts next week in my next livestream.The Picture I Want to Leave You WithTrump brings Gaza war crimes home. Not as a metaphor—as a moral diagnosis.Same tactics, similar intent, different location, same fucking outcome.Starvation is starvation. Siege is siege. Death is death. Even if the law reserves “war crimes” for battlefields and guys in uniform.Starting with autistics, starting with disabled people, starting with poor people, starting with anyone who needs to eat and expanding from there. Because that’s how it always works.That’s not drama, not autistic overreaction. If I ever hear that again—fuck the gaslighting we’ve lived through all our damn fucking lives.That’s international law in definitions. That’s documented history in its examples. That’s pattern recognition across eras. We’re just the ones recognizing it first.ClosingListen, that’s all I got really. This episode, it’s why I do these livestreams. Why I need this community, you guys.Because when they gaslight us, we need witnesses. We need truth.When they isolate us, we need each other.When they threaten our survival, we need to document what’s happening in real time.See you next week around the same time. We’ll talk resistance, mutual aid. What actually works when the empire comes home.Till then?Stay weird.Stay fierce.Stay alive.Key Timestamps for Chapter Markers:* 0:00 - Opening Thesis* 1:08 - What’s Actually Happening* 2:23 - Why Autistics First* 3:19 - The Roll Call of History* 6:35 - The Gaslighting Ends Here* 7:50 - What We Do#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click to receive new posts free. To support my work, consider choosing a paid subscription.* 8:56 - The Picture I Want to Leave You With* 10:03 - Closing This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Thank you to everyone who tuned into my live video! Join me for my next live video in the app.Show notes and transcript up tomorrow, 11/3.#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click to receive new posts… free. To support my work, please consider a paid subscription.Notes, sources, and further readingnot comprehensive or complete, but where I startedInternational Law: Starvation as War CrimeSupporting Sources:* Rome Statute of the International Criminal Court, Article 8(2)(b)(xxv): Case Matrix Network documenting “Intentionally using starvation of civilians as a method of warfare” as war crime casematrixnetwork​* D’Alessandra, Federica and Matthew Gillett. “The war crime of starvation in non-international armed conflict.” Oxford Blavatnik School of Government Working Paper BSG-WP-2019-031 (November 2019) bsg.ox​Counter/Nuance Source:* Lieber Institute West Point. “The War Crime of Starvation – The Irony of Grasping at Low Hanging Fruit” (September 2024): Notes starvation crime requires armed conflict context and specific intent elements; discusses challenges of prosecution lieber.westpoint​SNAP Shutdown & November 2025 Funding CrisisSupporting Sources:* CBS News. “SNAP funding is set to lapse Nov. 1, leaving recipients empty-handed” (October 30, 2025): USDA memo states “the well has run dry” and “At this time, there will be no benefits issued November 01”; 42 million Americans affected cbsnews+1​* NBC News. “Government shutdown effects bear down on millions more people after a crucial Nov. 1 deadline passes” (November 1, 2025): Despite judge’s ruling, Trump administration indicated November SNAP payments likely delayed nbcnews​Counter/Nuance Source:* NBC News. “Federal judge orders Trump administration to pay SNAP benefits out of contingency fund” (October 31, 2025): Rhode Island Judge McConnell and Massachusetts Judge Talwani ruled USDA must use $5.25B contingency fund; creates uncertainty about timing rather than total cutoff nbcnews​Government Shutdown Timeline & StatusSupporting Sources:* Wikipedia. “2025 United States federal government shutdown” (updated November 2025): Documents shutdown began 12:01 AM EDT October 1, 2025; became second-longest (22 days) on October 22; resulted from partisan disagreements over spending, foreign aid, and ACA health subsidies wikipedia​* CBS News. “The 2025 U.S government shutdown, by the numbers” (October 30, 2025): Senate has voted 13 times on House-passed continuing resolution; all failed to reach 60-vote threshold needed to overcome filibuster cbsnews​Counter/Nuance Source:* NPR. “The federal government is still shut down. Here’s what that means across the country” (October 30, 2025): Notes Republicans blame Democrats for voting against funding 14 times; Democrats counter that GOP refuses to address expiring ACA tax credits affecting 24 million Americans npr​USDA Refusal to Use Emergency FundsSupporting Sources:* Texas Tribune. “The federal shutdown will halt November SNAP benefits” (October 28, 2025): USDA Secretary Brooke Rollins stated October 27 via USDA website that no November 2025 SNAP benefits would be issued; agency memo says “contingency funds are not legally available to cover regular benefits” texastribune​* USA Today. “Government shutdown live updates” (November 2, 2025): Documents that USDA claimed $5.25 billion contingency fund reserved for disasters, not regular benefits; judges ordered use anyway usatoday​Counter/Nuance Source:* Fortune. “Judges order Trump administration to use emergency reserves for SNAP payments during the shutdown” (October 31, 2025): Federal courts rejected USDA legal interpretation; Massachusetts Judge Talwani ruled government “obligated to deploy contingency funds as necessary” fortune​Social Security & Trump WarningsSupporting Sources:* Newsweek. “Social Security, Medicare are ‘going to be gone,’ Donald Trump warns” (October 21, 2025): Reports Trump statement during shutdown linking Democratic opposition to potential program loss newsweek​* Duke University Government Relations. “Fall 2025 Government Shutdown Updates” (October 31, 2025): Notes “Social Security ‘could vanish,’ Trump warns” among shutdown impacts; documents 31-day shutdown status governmentrelations.duke​Counter/Nuance Source:* American Progress. “The Trump Administration’s Plans To Covertly Cut Social Security Disability Benefits” (October 2025): Distinguishes between shutdown rhetoric and separate regulatory changes to tighten disability eligibility criteria americanprogress​Autism Employment & Benefit DependencySupporting Sources:* Autism Society. “Employment Statistics” (October 2025): Reports up to 85% of autistic adults with college degrees unemployed or underemployed; notes 40% lower earnings than peers with other disabilities autismsociety​* Kids Club ABA. “Autism Unemployment Rate” (May 2025): Cites National Autism Indicators Report showing 14-16% full-time employment among autistic adults kidsclubaba​Counter/Nuance Source:* Reddit r/autism. “PSA: The ‘85% autism unemployment rate’ isn’t accurate” (July 2024): Statistical critique noting figure conflates unemployment, underemployment, and labor force non-participation; argues if 85% of autistic adults were unemployed, they’d represent 94% of all unemployed at 4% national rate reddit​“Useless Eaters” & Eugenic RhetoricSupporting Sources:* Mostert, Mark P. “Useless Eaters: Disability as Genocidal Marker in Nazi Germany.” Documents Binding & Hoche 1920 tract; eugenic progression from efficiency language to T-4 program catholicculture+2​* NIH/PMC. “Confronting the Legacy of Eugenics and Ableism” (December 2023): Shows Industrial Revolution capitalist productivity models reframed disability as state cost pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih​Counter/Nuance Source:* Migration journal. “Reconsidering the history of eugenics and discrimination” (December 2024): Notes eugenic ideas were “deeply intertwined” with race, gender, class and disability—varied significantly across national contexts academic.oup​Boomerang Effect & Internal ColonialismSupporting Sources:* Wikipedia. “Imperial boomerang”: Documents Césaire’s “terrific boomerang” thesis from Discourse on Colonialism (1950); Foucault’s “Society Must Be Defended” lecture (1976) on colonial tactics returning home wikipedia​* Osun Global Commons. “Césaire’s Boomerang Effect on the Streets of Berlin” (March 2023): Analyzes how European bourgeoisie “tolerated Nazism before it was inflicted on them” because it targeted non-Europeans first osunglobalcommons​Counter/Nuance Source:* Reality Studies. “The Department of War on American Cities, Ukraine, Gaza, and the Imperial Boomerang” (September 2025): Cautions against deterministic causation in linking colonial and domestic tactics realitystudies​Britain: Colonial Policing to Domestic ControlSupporting Sources:* Wikipedia. “Aliens Act 1905”: Documents how British emergency powers and crowd-control from Ireland informed domestic legislation wikipedia​* Human Rights Watch. “This Alien Legacy: The Origins of ‘Sodomy’ Laws in British Colonialism” (December 2008): Shows British colonial legal mechanisms later echoed in domestic law hrw​Counter/Nuance Source:* Past & Present. “Aliens in a Revolutionary World” (April 2022): Notes British Alien Act 1793 “fell into disuse” post-Napoleonic Wars, complicating narrative of automatic domestic adoption academic.oup​France/Algeria: Torture Techniques to ParisSupporting Sources:* World Socialist Web Site. “Maurice Papon and the October 1961 massacre of Paris” (October 2021): Documents Papon’s 1956-58 Algeria torture role, then as Paris police chief applied “same methods” in 1961 massacre wsws​* BBC. “How a massacre of Algerians in Paris was covered up” (October 2021): Confirms Papon supervised “repression and torture” in Algeria 1956; police records show he directed 1961 Paris massacre tactics bbc​Counter/Nuance Source:* LA Review of Books. “How to Forget a Massacre” (October 2019): Emphasizes Papon’s individual agency empowered by de Gaulle rather than systemic inevitability; many police refused participation lareviewofbooks​U.S. Philippines to Domestic Militarized PolicingSupporting Sources:* The Diplomat. “How America’s Wars in Asia Militarized the Police at Home” (June 2020): Documents Philippine Constabulary (1901) as hybrid military-police; veterans imported counterinsurgency techniques to U.S. law enforcement thediplomat​* Brown University Costs of War. “How the United States’ Post-9/11 Wars Helped Militarize U.S. Police” (September 2020): Traces “colonial and anti-Black roots” through Philippines to 1033 program watson.brown​Counter/Nuance Source:* Jacobin. “Policing Empire” (September 2014): Argues policing-empire link involves domestic political contestation each era, not automatic transfer jacobin​Ottoman Empire: Genocides & StarvationSupporting Sources:* USHMM Holocaust Encyclopedia. “The Armenian Genocide (1915-16): In Depth” (August 2023): Documents centralized CUP deportation orders as “death warrant”; forced marches caused starvation, dehydration, exposure deaths encyclopedia.ushmm​* Genocide Education Project. “Brief History” (February 2016): Estimates 1.5M Armenians killed, 2M+ Christians total including Greeks and Assyrians genocideeducation​Counter/Nuance Source:* University of South Florida Genocide Studies. “The Ottoman Genocide of the Assyrians”: Notes genocides were “culmination of series of policies”; emphasizes WWI context and CUP nationalist ideology as distinct causal streams digitalcommons.usf​Black Radical Thought & Internal ColonialismSupporting Sources:* Gilderle hrman Institute. “Both Black and Disabled: Intersectional Experiences” (June 2022): Traces eugenic scientific racism; notes Black disabled Americans as “internal colonies” subject to extraction and surveillance gilderlehrman​* NIH/PMC. “Past Is Prologue: Dismantling Colonial Legacies to Advance Black Health” (December 2023): Argues chattel slavery was “expansive colonial project”; ma

My autism? Failing upward toward collapse, succeeding downward toward joy? What if you weren't born to produce anything? 👉 New Chapbook: "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head" → https://www.amazon.com/every-clock-handgun-pointed-head-ebook/dp/B0FNLHC6SY 👉 Start Here: Live Autistic Truth playlist → https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgBbPyJUGJw&list=PL_812RrZO_QWB-WHVZRBe-hjr37UNPxdb 👉 Full text & weekly authentic autistic content → ://johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com What if your life's value isn't measured by output, productivity, or what you create for others? This piece explores the quantum reality of autistic life—simultaneously failing and succeeding, finding purpose in purposelessness, and why a shooting star slashing through darkness doesn't need to justify its existence. For late-diagnosed autistic adults tired of productivity culture, their families learning to understand, and anyone questioning whether their worth depends on what they produce. Recorded live from my subStack studio—raw, unfiltered philosophical spoken word about autism, authenticity, and finding joy in simply experiencing this moment. Subscribe for weekly autistic perspectives that challenge productivity culture and celebrate authentic existence. Share with someone drowning in "should be doing more." Next: More poetry from the chapbook collection exploring autistic time, family trauma, and moments of unexpected joy. Autistic elder. Poet. Born to observe, experience, and overshare. #ActuallyAutistic #AutisticPhilosophy #ProductivityCulture #AutisticAdult #LateAutistic #Neurodivergent #SpokenWord #AuthenticVoices #AutismAcceptance #AntiProductivity #AutisticJoy #MentalHealthPoetry #AutisticLife #Burnout #LifePurpose #AutisticExpression This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

RFK Jr.’s autism claims aren’t about helping anyone—they’re about deciding who gets to exist in America.👉 New Chapbook: “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head” - https://www.amazon.com/every-clock-handgun-pointed-head-ebook/dp/B0FNLHC6SY👉 Start Here: Live Autistic Truth playlist 👉 Full Text & Sources: https://johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.comChapters: 0:00 Cold Open + Promise 0:45 RFKjr’s Agenda vs the Facts1:52 Name the Agenda: Eugenics2:31 Mask of Compassion for Parents... A False Flag4:08 A Kind Word for Tylenol4:53 Foreword to Our Future: Born to Raise Hell5:32 Build a Better World for Our Kids7:45 Here’s My Freaking Topic Sentence… and I DO Have One8:41 What’s Next?Coming Next: How resistance actually works—building power from your hometown up.This piece combines political commentary with personal autistic experience. Recorded live November 2024 as part of my ongoing “Trigger Warnings” series analyzing current events through a neurodivergent lens.Subscribe for regular Trigger Warnings content and authentic autistic perspectives. Share with someone who needs to hear this.👉 subStack: @johnnyprofane1 for deep dives and subscriber-only livestreams.Content Note: Political commentary, personal autistic experience... and the occasional wise crack.#ActuallyAutistic #AutismAcceptance #Neurodiversity #PoliticalCommentary #TriggerWarnings #AutisticVoices #RFKJr #Resistance#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click to receive new posts… free. To support my work, please consider a paid subscriber.Sources & Further Reading: Not comprehensive or complete, just my starting points.1. RFK Jr.’s Tylenol-Autism Claims Lack Scientific SupportSupporting Sources (Claims are not substantiated):* Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health (2025): “The research so far—including one of the largest studies yet on the topic—suggests that Tylenol use during pregnancy does not cause autism.”https://publichealth.jhu.edu/2025/the-evidence-on-tylenol-and-autism* JAMA Study (2024): The largest sibling-controlled study to date found that while population-based models showed small associations between prenatal acetaminophen use and autism (HR 1.05), when controlling for familial factors using sibling comparisons, acetaminophen showed no association with autism risk (HR 0.98). This suggests confounding factors, not causation.https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/fullarticle/2817406* Autism Science Foundation (2025): “Any association between acetaminophen and autism is based on limited, conflicting, and inconsistent science and is premature given the current science. Autism doesn’t have a single cause. It is the result of a complex mix of genetics and environment.”https://autismsciencefoundation.org/press_releases/statement-from-autism-science-foundation-regarding-wall-street-journal-report-rfk-jr-hhs-to-link-autism-to-tylenol-use-in-pregnancy-and-folate-deficiencies/* PBS/PolitiFact Fact-Check (2025): Medical experts state Kennedy’s portrayal of autism and causation claims are skewed. “A 2023 study written by CDC officials and university researchers found that one-quarter of people on the autism spectrum have severe limitations. But this is on the high end of studies.”https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/fact-checking-robert-f-kennedy-jr-s-statements-on-autismBalancing Source (Some association found, but not definitive):* Mount Sinai Study (2025): Applied rigorous Navigation Guide methodology to 46 studies with 100,000+ participants and found evidence suggesting prenatal acetaminophen exposure “may be linked to increased risk of neurodevelopmental disorders, including autism spectrum disorder and ADHD.” However, the study emphasizes this “underscores the need for both caution and further study” - not definitive causation.https://www.mountsinai.org/about/newsroom/2025/mount-sinai-study-supports-evidence-that-prenatal-acetaminophen-use-may-be-linked-to-increased-risk-of-autism-and-adhd2. Acetaminophen’s Neurological Effects on Pain ProcessingSupporting Sources (Acetaminophen affects emotional/social pain):* University of California Study (2010): Published in Psychological Science, found acetaminophen reduced both behavioral and neural responses to social rejection, demonstrating “substantial overlap between social and physical pain” in brain regions like the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex and anterior insula.https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20548058/* UCLA Study (2015): Found acetaminophen “seems to diminish our emotional highs and lows” and reduces empathy for both positive and negative experiences, suggesting it affects emotional processing through brain regions involved in emotional awareness.https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6455058/https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2017/12/04/567762087/tylenol-may-help-ease-the-pain-of-hurt-feelings* NIH/PMC Review (2021): Comprehensive systematic review found “acetaminophen has been shown to reduce affective responses to both negative and positive emotional images and reduced the neural responses associated with experiences of acute pain,” confirming effects on overlapping neural circuits for physical, emotional, and social pain.https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8594782/Balancing Source (Mechanism still not fully understood):* Tufts School of Medicine (2022): While acknowledging acetaminophen’s effectiveness, notes “how it works remains a mystery” even after 150 years of study. The mechanism by which it affects pain - whether through COX enzymes in the brain or other pathways - is “still speculative.”https://medicine.tufts.edu/news-events/news/how-does-acetaminophen-work3. Eugenics, Ableism, and the Trump Administration’s Approach to DisabilitySupporting Sources (Eugenics rhetoric and policies toward disabled people):* Scientific American (2025): “By going after Social Security, the Department of Veterans Affairs and the Department of Education, Donald Trump is signaling his belief that having ‘good genes’ means not having a disability... this is nothing other than ableism, eugenics doctrine at work in the highest level of government.”https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/slashing-programs-that-help-people-with-disabilities-is-a-nod-to-eugenics/* The Conversation (2025): “Part of a eugenic logic is the ongoing belief that erasing disability and people with disabilities is a desirable and commonsense objective... RFK Jr.’s eugenic rhetoric resonates strongly in contemporary discourse. It aligns politically with neoliberalism, fostering a version of ableism that views citizens as ‘able-bodied entrepreneurial entities.’”https://theconversation.com/uninformed-comments-on-autism-are-resonant-of-dangerous-ideas-about-eugenics-256762* STAT News (2025): “The Trump administration’s approach to autism is tangled up with ableism, eugenics, and pronatalism... Using this framing dehumanizes autistic people in ways that echo the eugenic policies of the early 20th century.”https://www.statnews.com/2025/10/03/autism-tylenol-rfk-jr-trump-ableism-eugenics-pronatalism/* Autistic Self Advocacy Network (2025): “Secretary Kennedy sees us as experimental subjects whose health and safety from abusive medical treatment is secondary to vindicating his own views on vaccines and autism. He is determined to try to find a ‘cure’ for autism despite the discredited methods he mentions being repeatedly disproven.”https://autisticadvocacy.org/2025/05/crisis-of-confidence-robert-f-kennedy-jr-continues-to-use-his-position-at-hhs-to-promote-lies-about-autism-public-health/Balancing Source (Autism research organizations distance themselves from eugenics):* Autism Speaks (2024): Explicitly states “We do not support eugenics. The focus of our genetics research is to help more autistic people access personalized care that will empower them to lead their best lives... There is no cure for autism, and we do not support research searching for a cure.” (Note: Autism Speaks has historically been criticized by autistic self-advocates but has shifted its public stance)https://www.autismspeaks.org/research-and-eugenics4. Autism Has Complex Genetic and Environmental Causes (Not Vaccines)Supporting Sources (Vaccines do not cause autism; autism is multifactorial):* Meta-Analysis (2014): Published analysis of 5 cohort studies (1,256,407 children) and 5 case-control studies (9,920 children) found “no relationship between vaccination and autism” or with MMR, thimerosal, or mercury. “Findings of this meta-analysis suggest that vaccinations are not associated with the development of autism or autism spectrum disorder.”https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24814559/* Stanford Medicine (2011): Twin study found genes account for 38% of autism risk, with environmental factors explaining 62% - nearly opposite of previous estimates. Importantly, “extensive research did not support” theories linking childhood vaccines to autism.https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2011/07/non-genetic-factors-play-surprisingly-large-role-in-determining-autism-says-study-by-group.html* Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia (2025): “Over time, scientists have found some of the causes, including genetic links, certain viral infections, and parental age... Study after study have shown” vaccine hypotheses to be “unsupported by the science.”https://www.chop.edu/vaccine-education-center/vaccine-safety/vaccines-and-other-conditions/autism* CDC (2024): “Studies have shown that there is no link between receiving vaccines and developing autism spectrum disorder (ASD). No links have been found between any vaccine ingredients and ASD.”https://www.cdc.gov/vaccine-safety/about/autism.htmlBalancing Source (Environmental factors do play a role, though not vaccines):* Johns Hopkins/SPARK (2025): “Most scientists agree that both our genes and the environment contribute to autism.” Environmental factors with research support include: prenatal exposure to air pollution and pesticides, maternal illness during pregnancy, birth complications, and

👉 Check out Trigger Warnings playlist More analysis on how world events impact neurodivergent lives and practical resistance strategies. I just saw Trump disbands Congress. For all intents and purposes, the US government isn’t just shut down—Trump has effectively rendered Congress useless and substituted his own personal will for governance. 00:00 Cold Open + Promise 00:25 “Disbands Congress” Now 01:43 Soft Authoritarian Playbook 02:12 Congress Halted; Senate Stalled 03:28 De Facto Control Landscape 04:36 One Tiny Move to Martial Law 05:09 Wrong Time to Be Different? 05:49 Resistance Starts at Home 06:39 What’s Next? This is not a good time to be different. To have the wrong politics, wrong religion, wrong color. Closer to home, the wrong neurotype. But neurodivergent people have always known how to find patterns in chaos and recognize the moment when to act. We find our moment. 👉 Subscribe for upcoming episode: Local resistance playbook specifically for autistic and neurodivergent communities. Get updates on new episodes. 👉 Watch “every clock as a handgun pointed at my head” next. More on autistic experience of time and survival. 👉 Join the conversation: * - Drop your thoughts in the comments * - What patterns are you seeing in your community? * - How are you finding your ground in this moment? Soft power is still power. Our response starts locally. 👉 Weekly deep dives on Substack👉 My poetry book “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head” explores autistic experience without inspiration porn: --- #neurodivergent #politics #resistance #autism #congress #authoritarianism #patterns #community 👉 Sources. Not comprehensive or complete. But some of what I found. House procedure and swearing‑in dispute * CNN — Speaker Johnson said he’d swear in new House Democrat ‘as soon as she wants.’ Now Republicans are backtracking (2025-10-07): https://www.cnn.com/2025/10/07/politics/johnson-adelita-grijalva-swearing-in * The Hill — Johnson: Not swearing in Democrat has ‘nothing to do’ with Epstein files (2025-10-07): https://www.thehill.com/homenews/house/5543576-johnson-grijalva-seating-delay/ House no‑show/shutdown strategy and operational sidelining * Associated Press — Speaker Johnson keeps the House away as he fights to end the government shutdown (2025-10-10): https://apnews.com/article/house-speaker-johnson-government-shutdown-grijalva-526647b57faa2710382674646dfd2b37 * Politico — Mike Johnson sticks to no‑show shutdown strategy as resistance mounts (2025-10-09): https://www.politico.com/news/2025/10/09/mike-johnson-shutdown-no-show-00601215 Broader executive power and democratic backsliding context * Brookings — Tracking regulatory changes in the second Trump administration (2025-09-29): https://www.brookings.edu/articles/tracking-regulatory-changes-in-the-second-trump-administration/ * NPR — U.S. is sliding toward authoritarianism, hundreds of scholars say (2025-04-21): https://www.npr.org/2025/04/22/nx-s1-5340753/trump-democracy-authoritarianism-competive-survey-political-scientist Reference for formal congressional status * Federal Register — 2025 Donald J. Trump Executive Orders (index): https://www.federalregister.gov/presidential-documents/executive-orders/donald-trump/2025 * Wikipedia — 119th United States Congress: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/119th_United_States_Congress#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click to receive new posts… free. To support my work, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Thank you to everyone who tuned into my live video! Join me for my next live video in the app.Trigger Warnings: Trump Disbands CongressSources:Democracy Now!democracynow.org/2025/10/8/adel…“Scary Precedent”: GOP Blocks Rep.-Elect Adelita Grijalva from Taking Seat Amid Epstein Files FightRepresentative-elect Adelita Grijalva, who won a special election for a House seat in Arizona two weeks ago, has still not been sworn in to Congress. Republican Speaker of the House Mike Johnson is blaming the government shutdown for the delay, even though he previously expedited the swearing-in of multiple Republicans who won their special elections before election results were even in. It’s more likely, say supporters, that Grijalva is being held up to prevent what she has pledged will be her first act in Congress: adding her name to and thus triggering a vote on California Congressmember Ro Khanna’s bill for the public release of files related to the federal investigation of sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein. “She needs to get sworn in today,” says Khanna, adding that every day Grijalva is not seated in the House “is breaking precedent and depriving people of who they voted for.” Grijalva says, “This is an incredibly scary precedent to set. If you don’t agree with the politics of the speaker, then they can keep you out of your duly elected office.” Khanna and Grijalva also discuss the legacy of Grijalva’s late father, the longtime Arizona Congressmember Raúl Grijalva; the Trump administration’s crackdown on immigration; right-wing attacks on freedom of the press; and more.AP Newsapnews.com/article/house-…Speaker Johnson keeps the House away as he fights to end the government shutdownHouse members’ absence during the government shutdown is creating a political dilemma for Republican Speaker Mike Johnson and is testing his leadership.Chicago Tribunechicagotribune.com/2025/10/10/mik…Speaker Mike Johnson keeps the House away as he fights to end ...Mike Johnson is the speaker of a House that is no longer in session.POLITICOpolitico.com/news/2025/10/0…Mike Johnson sticks to no-show shutdown strategy as ... - Politico“There is absolutely no reason for the House to be out of session,” GOP Rep. Kevin Kiley said. “It’s embarrassing.’Democratic Erosion Consortiumdemocratic-erosion.org/2025/04/18/how…How to Erode a Democracy: Hungary’s Illiberal Turn Under OrbánThis blog post examines how Viktor Orbán has used media control, legal manipulation, and populist nationalism to methodically destroy Hungary’s democratic institutions and turn the nation into the first “illiberal democracy” in the EU.NPRnpr.org/2025/04/20/nx-…Hungary’s Orban demonstrates how to dismantle democracy - NPRThe dismantling of Hungary’s democracy is a point of fascination for political scientists around the world — including those advising the Trump administration.cnncnn.com/2020/03/30/eur…Hungarian parliament votes to let Viktor Orban rule by decree ... - CNNHungary’s parliament has voted to allow Prime Minister Viktor Orban to rule by decree indefinitely, in order to combat the coronavirus pandemic, giving the populist leader extra powers to unilaterally…CNNcnn.com/2025/10/08/pol…Tempers flare between Democratic senators and Speaker Johnson over Grijalva’s swearing in and shutdown strategyArizona’s Democratic senators got into a hallway confrontation with Republican House Speaker Mike Johnson on Wednesday as the government shutdown’s eighth day dragged on.RFKjr & Autism: I Wrote a Foreword Just for YouSourcesCounter/neutral positions from regulators and clinical bodies* European Medicines Agency (EMA), PRAC communications on paracetamol in pregnancy: EMA has stated available evidence does not establish a causal link; use remains appropriate when clinically indicated at the lowest effective dose. Overview page: https://www.ema.europa.eu/en/medicines/human/referrals/paracetamol* (If needed: EMA general paracetamol product information hub where PRAC updates are posted.)* American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG). ACOG Guidance: Acetaminophen use during pregnancy. ACOG states evidence of neurodevelopmental harms is inconsistent and methodologically limited; acetaminophen remains appropriate when indicated. Practice Advisory/FAQ landing: https://www.acog.org/womens-health/faqs/medication-safety-during-pregnancySystematic reviews/meta-analyses with nuanced conclusions* Alemany S et al. Prenatal and postnatal exposure to acetaminophen and ADHD and autism spectrum symptoms in childhood: meta-analysis/pooled observational evidence. European Journal of Epidemiology (2021). Publisher page (Springer): https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10654-021-00757-3U.S. federal perspective* U.S. FDA Drug Safety (Acetaminophen use in pregnancy). FDA has not concluded causality with autism; advises using the lowest effective dose for the shortest duration. Consumer/Drug Safety hub: https://www.fda.gov/consumers/consumer-updates/acetaminophen-overdose-and-liver-injury-know-ingredients-your-medicine* For pregnancy-specific FDA language, see: https://www.fda.gov/drugs/postmarket-drug-safety-information-patients-and-providers/medication-use-during-pregnancy-and-lactationSupportive association signals (observational; not proof of causality, few supportive links exist)* Ji Y et al. Association of Cord Plasma Biomarkers of In Utero Acetaminophen Exposure With Risk of Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder and Autism Spectrum Disorder. JAMA Psychiatry (2019). Link: https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/fullarticle/2753510Evidence on emotional and social pain blunting* Social pain/evaluative processing: Experimental psychology studies have reported that standard doses of acetaminophen can reduce the distress of social rejection and blunt affective evaluations, suggesting overlap between physical and social pain processing in the brain. These findings support the idea that acetaminophen influences affective components of pain perception, though effect sizes are modest and not uniformly replicated across all paradigms. pbs​* Risk of overgeneralization: While these lab findings are provocative, they do not establish acetaminophen as a mood treatment. Regulatory and clinical bodies do not recommend acetaminophen for depression, and evidence for sustained antidepressant benefit is lacking. pbs This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

👉A live reading from the Amazon book, “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head.”What You’re About To WatchA quick, sharp destruction of the “autism as superpower” narrative that’s everywhere in neurodivergent spaces. No superpowers. No kryptonite. Just the messy, explosive, delightful reality of being autistic without the costume drama.These 60, live seconds cut through the inspiration porn... and all that other ‘you’re so brave’ bullshit. Saying exactly what needs said:We’re the heroes and villains of our own lives without needing to fly. Or… entertain you.Plain-spoken truth from someone who’s lived autistic 72 years. Just long enough to have no patience for platitudes.💬 Let’s Talk About It* Tired of the same superpower false role model that I am? Comments are where we build real community.* Tell me: What autism myth are you done performing? What would you rather people understand instead?* Comments are the biggest way you help neurodivergent voices beat the algorithm and find each other.📌 Pinned comment prompt: “Which autism myth are you most done performing?”This Is For You If:* You’re autistic and exhausted trying to live up to “superpower” framing* You’re sick of inspiration porn that makes your neurodivergence easier to take… for others* You want honest talk about autism that doesn’t infantilize or glorify* You’re done with ableist narratives dressed up as positivity* You’re looking for autistic elders speaking unmasked truth* You work with autistic people and want to understand what we actually experience* You’re navigating late diagnosis and sorting through what’s real vs. what’s marketing* You love sharp, literary spoken word that doesn’t waste your time🔗 Subscribe & ConnectSubscribe to this channel for more unmasking without apology—spoken word, essays, and real talk about the neurodivergent experience.Free resources:👉 Subscribe to my Substack (free or paid) and get a PDF of the entire “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head” collectionSupport this work:👉 Available as Amazon ebook or softcoverExclusive hardcover edition and Audible book coming soon.What This ExploresWhy ‘superpower’ language makes us invisible. Turning us into symbols... stealing our personhood. Just leaving two choices: inspiration or tragedy. For others.Reclaiming ordinariness as radical act—we don’t need to be exceptional to deserve basic respect and understandingThe delight in being ourselves without performing neurotypical expectations or living up to superhero mythologyAgency over our own narratives where we get to be messy, complicated humans rather than simplified symbols#ActuallyAutistic #AutisticAdult #Neurodivergent #AutismAwareness #AutismAcceptance #DisabilityJustice #Unmasking #AutisticVoices #InspirationPorn #AutisticCommunity #NeurodivergentLife #AutismMyths #SpokenWord #AutisticElders #ActuallyAutisticAdults📖 FULL TRANSCRIPT[Transcript appears here on Substack. For YouTube, replace this section with:]Read the complete transcript on Substack: [link to post]After the SecretThe whole fucking superpower thing. So, let’s start with a quick blow up of the whole fucking superpower thing.I call this “After the Secret.”I have strengths.Not one is my superpower.I have challenges.Not one is my kryptonite.I’m that kid in third gradeDrop drop droppingA mysterious blue crystalInto that test tube—Squealing in delightEvery time it explodes…In purple streams.I love cosplay.But I don’t have to flyWear a maskOr sport a capeTo be autistic.Still…I get to be the heroor bald evil geniusof my own life.OutroThis free podcast is supported by listeners like you. Please like and share. It’s the biggest thing you can do to help all neurodivergent voices beat the algorithm. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Video SummaryA cinematic spoken word piece that cuts through decades of family silence with surgical precision.Set against the Heaven's Gate cult tragedy and Hale-Bopp comet of 1997-98, this hybrid performance follows three wintry family gatherings where religious expectations collide with neurodivergent reality.Watch what happens when an autistic adult finally stops performing "normal" at the dinner table - and pays the price.This isn't therapy. Not self-help. No “cautionary tale.” It's a multi-layered examination of what we neurodivergents sacrifice. Trying to “belong” in families that were never built for hearts like ours.Unflinching. Complex. Necessary.Content Note: Strong language, family trauma, religious themes, substance use, mental health struggles, cult referencesKey Themes Explored:* Power dynamics at family tables where neurodivergent minds are judged as broken* Spiritual coercion and religious weaponizing against those who think differently* The breaking point when pretending to be neurotypical becomes impossible* Self-medication as shield against overwhelming social demands* Searching for meaning in systems designed to erase your kind of mind* Memory as witness to the violence of forced conformityWho This Resonates With:* Autistic adults who recognize the battlefield of family holidays* Anyone who's been the truth-teller in a family that prefers lies* People untangling religious conditioning from neurodivergent shame* Those hungry for real conversation about mental health… that skips the tacked-on happy endings* Readers drawn to generational trauma explored through disability lens* Anyone who knows that sometimes survival looks like betrayal* Anyone working with neurodivergent minds. Who wants to really understand what we're carryingDiscussion Starters:* How do family gatherings change when you stop performing neurotypical?* What price have you paid for speaking uncomfortable truths?* Do you recognize the intersection of religious pressure and neurodivergent shame?* How do you survive spaces where your honesty threatens everyone's comfort?Connect:* Drop your own family table survival tactics below* Subscribe for more unmasking without apologyFree Resources & Purchase Links👉 Subscribe... free or paid... to Substack, get a free PDF of the entire "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head" collection.👉Support my work→ Available as Amazon ebook or softcover. Exclusive hardcover edition and Audible book coming soon.TranscriptIntroBut I ain't going to lie, this next one's rough and long and complex. Plain spoken in its own way, but complex.It may not need a TS Elliott-pretentious kind of footnote, but I try to intertwine family, control, and religion and very real events from my winter of '97-'98.And just for you youngsters... if there are some... I'll remind you that was when the Hale-Bopp comet was fading in northern New York skies and the memory of the Heaven's Gate suicide cult was still fresh in the national mind. This is a hybrid piece. In my mind, it's a movie with scenes, background music, jump cuts. But, uh, you guys probably loved Pulp Fiction. Given that, I pray you can follow me in this one. Sneaking my mother's creepy g-d on highPrelude, December 1997. ESTABLISHING SHOTI begin, “There…There's Heaven's Gate.”She fiddles with the binox dials.“Where should I look?”She asks breathless,Trudging bootless.I barely hear herOver the crackling snowBeneath my feet, but say,“There…That smudge in the sky.”I point again.UFO Cult Chooses Suicide,The TV said.Thirty-nine bodiesIn matching Nikes,The photo read.No Kool-Aid on crime scene,The coroner led off…I close wet eyesTo the hiss & sizzleOf the Northern LightsOver my head,SilenceThen the cold murmurof the cold mother...“That's why they died?”She shrugs.My eyes open… careful, I shrug,“Maybe… they saw a signal from aliens.Or maybe God on high.Who knows what grimdark signThey read that silent night…”Wordless, clueless… a comet sailedRibbons of green and purple light.One cold blue, one hot pink tailFading from history’s sight…So we stroll on intoFake New Year’s dinnerCuz not everyoneCould schedule inThe Real One.How rare it isA two-tailed comet in the sky,A lover doesn’t lie with her eyes,To greet one free man before you die,How rare it isHow rare it isDinner MusicPOINT-OF-VIEW SHOTmy mother in a halo of candlesmy mother wrapped in smokemy mother in dark shadowsmeasuring the length of my ropeShe gathers reports from her childrenThis year’s fugue & pedal point,Her table a feast of sand.Youngest Mark files his,A new open source project…“I’m really getting seen.”Lifting my glass to himFrom the dark walnut table,I sip vodka… Neat.Martha next, from her foreign outpostA well-received talk given…Vodka. Neat.Second-oldest Luke comments,Wearing a dead father’s mantle“So proud of this my familyProgress on nearly every front.John, you seem…Well, better… strangely.”Yeah. Vodka. Neat. And deep.Mary reports a year in faith.Jesus gave her home.Jesus gave her kids.Jesus gave her strength… alone.I close my eyes in frustrationSee only those twin tailsSailing in that dark…No wine, no waferJust vodka. Neat.The broken mother nods,Waves a weary hand at each.Then turns to me,Product of her first postpartum,Eldest stranger at her table.She faintly smiles…, “John?”This last-invited autistDrunk to a numb survivalStarts slow… and slurred,“Ya know…?Never… believed… in heroes.Those guys & their comet?They did.”I hear hands tense,Casual wear shift & rustle,Eyes crinkle & narrow…Familiar, family sounds.My runaway trainpicks up steamplunging on and intoa dark tangential tunnel“A part of me rejects a g-dborn perfect without sin,casually tossing miracleslike candy & coins… sublimefrom a gaudy Mardi Gras floatTo kids playing in the grime…”I gulp a breath.Silencea child, high on a stone altara hand… a knife in mid air…a sacrfice for appearanceslike thirty-nine bodiesin matching Nike pairs…How fair is itJesus and Jim JonesBoth got emails from Beyond,Love rusts tilIt’s just one more bond,Your soul’s released whenYour last day’s dawned,How fair is itHow fair is itInterlude, January 1998FLASH CUTCouple weeks laterIce Storm of ‘98.A friendly… family,Game of cards.Frozen in time, frozen in mindAunts, uncles and cousinsNo one’s got power, trapped…Cabin, cards, liquor… discussions.Killing time… 3 days…Instead of each other.Oh shit. Oh. Shit…There goes that bidI swore I could make.Under my breath… “Damn it to Hell.”Then head down, out loud,“Oh, Shit.”I’m staring at the hand they dealt.So many near-miss combosSo many runs that went nowhere…“My bad. I shoulda played that 9My mind’s off wandering againLet me grab that back. This time.”“No…You gotta drink …Ya gotta drink!This time…Every time!”Rinse repeatMistake over mistakeVodka neat, vodka neatVodka…I… wake to… laughter“Uncle Johnny, you’re the dudeFrom stuck up cuntTo puking your shoes.Man, can you let go… when you want.”And let go... I did.A distracted juggler drops his satin ball,A drunken knife thrower ties assassins & assistants to the wall,The smoking fortune teller wheezes, “Doom finds us all,”A Ring Master’s whip echoes through an emptying hall….Cadenza, for the End of TimeEXTREME WIDE PANNING SHOTMy catechism askedWhy did that g-d make me?And I askWhy did this unbonded mom have me?To both cluck in disappointment?Over commandmentsI was bornUnable to follow…?To follow a comet into…Desperation Dissolution Suicide And the Peace…Of no need for understanding?Ever again?There is no heroNo godNo bodhisattvaNo parent…That does not hideThe dazzling ConfusionIn a burning bushOr explains to meLike I’m a five-year oldWhy that twin-tailed cometStill sails across my mindHow rare it isTo find a godDoesn’t want moreThan he gave,A lover who can stay…Even while I rave,A man who can liveNot caring if he’s saved,How rare it is.How rare it is.OutroThis free podcast is supported by listeners like you. Please like and share. It's the biggest thing you can do to help all neurodivergent voices beat the algorithm.This free podcast is supported by listeners like you. Please like and share. It's the biggest thing you can do to help all neurodivergent voices beat the algorithm. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Content Note: Sexual abuse, family trauma, therapy processing, strong language, intense emotional contentVideo SummaryThis live piece cuts to the bone of what trauma recovery actually looks like. When your brain works differently. And your body never forgets.What happens when you finally see yourself clearly in a therapist's mirror?When rage becomes the only honest response to betrayal? When family protection fails and the body becomes your only witness?Studies report as many as 75% of all adult autistics have experienced trauma. And specifically sexual trauma? From 60 to 75% across a lifetime. No therapeutic jargon. No sanitized healing narratives. Just the raw truth that most trauma content won't touch. In plain, direct language that doesn't hide behind disease-based, diagnostic terms.Free Resources & Purchase Links👉 Subscribe free to AutisticAF Substack and get a free PDF of the entire "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head" collection.👉 Support this work → Available on Amazon as ebook or softcover. "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head" - Exclusive hardcover edition coming soon.Key Themes Explored:* Childhood sexual abuse and the body's persistent memory* Family dysfunction and protective failure* Therapy processing and breakthrough moments of clarity* Autistic self-recognition during trauma recovery* Rage as a healing response to violation and betrayal* The witness within - how the body always remembersWho This Speaks To:* Trauma survivors seeking authentic voices about recovery* Adult autistics processing childhood experiences* Family members trying to understand complex trauma dynamics* Therapists and counselors working with neurodivergent trauma survivors* Anyone who knows that healing isn't linear or prettyDiscussion Starters:* How does neurodivergence affect trauma processing and memory?* What does authentic trauma recovery look like beyond inspiration narratives?* How do family systems enable or prevent healing from abuse?* When does rage become a necessary part of recovery?Connect:Share your thoughts on trauma, healing, and truth-telling below. Hit subscribe for more unfiltered autistic perspectives.Full TranscriptA son no more. Yet the body abides.This one's a little rough for me. Maybe for you. Trauma. Well, it's it's a fucking bitch, too.The Body Abides"Like I told youNothing really happenedCan't sleep is all..."He repeats his view,"The body watches.The body ALWAYSFucking watches.""Yeah, he kissed meFathers do that.Yeah, it was weird but..."He whispers me,"Your body, your witness.And this witness ALWAYSFucking watches."Then he leans in…"What if he'd kissedyour sister's lips...?""I'd fucking kill him."That's when...i see mein his mirrorwatching myselfwatch my selftransparently autistica son no more,yet the body...abides.images, never sharedimages… never daredhard, wet, franticfumbling… bareragedark rageScreaming RAGEi'd fucking kill himfucking kill himkill himhim.i rise...soslowlyand fucking smash that mirrori rock, i sway…i rub one red eye.i stand, I stare…I sigh, I say,"My body watchesThe body ALWAYSFucking watches…"into a mirror staring nowhereAs I close his office door...I abide.#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click below to receive new posts and the free PDF of “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head.” To support my work, please consider choosing a paid subscription. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

👉 Subscribe… free or paid… to Substack, get a free PDF of the entire "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head" collection.👉 Support my work → Available as Amazon ebook or softcover. Exclusive hardcover edition coming soon.Content Note: Strong language, neurodivergent struggles, communication barriersVideo SummaryA raw piece that captures what it feels like to be autistic and ADHD at 71—trying to communicate through the static and distortion of a damaged system.Plain, direct language. No hidden meanings to decode. Just the real experience of feeling like "a brilliant creative soul trapped in a damaged body and neurology."Using the metaphor of a short-circuiting transistor radio, this piece asks the question every neurodivergent person knows: "Do you understand at all what I mean?"Content Note: Strong language, neurodivergent struggles, communication barriersKey Themes Explored:* Communication barriers that autistic and ADHD people face daily* The transistor radio metaphor for neurodivergent expression through "static and distortion"* Feeling trapped between brilliant inner life and damaged external systems* Seeking understanding from other neurodivergent people* AuDHD experience (autism + ADHD) at 71 years old* The struggle to "just be heard" through intermittent short-circuitsWho This Speaks To:* Adults with autism, ADHD, or both (AuDHD)* Anyone who feels misunderstood or struggles to communicate their inner experience* People seeking authentic neurodivergent voices without academic filtering* Those who relate to feeling like their "wiring" interferes with expression* Readers interested in metaphor-based understanding of neurodivergent experienceDiscussion Starters:* Do you relate to the transistor radio metaphor for neurodivergent communication?* How does it feel when your internal experience doesn't match what others see?* What metaphors help you explain your neurodivergent experience to others?* Have you found your "tribe" of people who understand without explanation?Full TranscriptWell, I feel closer to the spoken word tradition than poetry. I I just ain't that fancy. This first one, I thought I'd start with uh a metaphor, something that autistics see right away, and I think it will help uh this autist.So, this is Dancing Close to the Edge of the Noise# asking AUDHDists.Bear with me a minute. I'm autistic plus ADHD.I feel like a a brilliant creative soul as if trapped in a damaged body and neurology.um trying to communicate with the world through an intermittently short-circuiting transistor radio playing through static and the distortion and sparking circuits to just be heard.Do you understand at all what I mean?# actually autistic# ADHD# really AUDHD.This free podcast is supported by listeners like you. Please like and share. It's the biggest thing you can do to help all neurodivergent voices beat the algorithm.Connect:* Share your own "transistor radio" moments below* Tag an AuDHDist who gets it* Hit the bell for new releases in this 5-week spoken word series#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click… free to receive new posts and "every clock" PDF. To support my work, consider choosing a paid subscription. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Free Resources & Purchase Links👉 Subscribe… free or paid… to Substack, geta free PDF of the entire "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head" collection.👉 Support my work → Available as Amazon ebook or softcover. Exclusive hardcover edition coming soon.Content Note: Strong language, mental health struggles, time anxietyVideo SummaryA live piece that cracks open what it really feels like to be autistic in this world.No sanitized inspiration porn. No academic bullshit. Just the real lived experience. In plain, simple language. With no hidden meanings to decode.About the time anxiety. The grief. The moments of transcendent peace we may find… alone… in the flow.Content Note: Strong language, mental health struggles, time anxietyKey Themes Explored:* Time anxiety and deadline pressure that many autistic adults face* Sensory overwhelm from constant notifications and time pressures* Nature as sanctuary and healing space for neurodivergent minds* Authentic autistic experience without sugar-coating or toxic positivity* Mental health struggles with honesty and vulnerabilityWho This Speaks To:* Adults discovering or living with autism* Anyone struggling with time anxiety and deadline pressure* People seeking authentic mental health poetry* Those who find peace in nature and solitude* Readers interested in neurodivergent perspectives on daily lifeDiscussion Starters:* How does time pressure affect your daily autistic experience?* What spaces or practices help you find relief from overwhelming expectations?* Do you relate to the contrast between societal time demands and natural rhythms?Full TranscriptSo now, uh, we maybe know each other a little better. Let's cut deeper.My time, it can't be measured. Not a dimension. It's a force.A violent force.every clock is a handgun pointed at my headIIIEvery clock is a handgun pointed at my headEvery tick, tick… fucking tickTolling Fear, Doom… dreadClick. Slide. Cock… click.Every night a mantra echoes through my headTV static… a crazy-making humSinging Dream, Drempt… dead…Not done. Not done. Not done… undone.10, 9, 8… Dread7, 6, 5… Fear4, 3, 2… BEEP.Shoot the moon… or the country next doorCountdown. Deadline. Bow down… dead.Bound behind doors, bound in my headPace, paces, pacing… pacedEvery BEEP.Of the phone.Stops…my heart....I crash out with a scream for escapeIIWoodsDeep woodsDeepest woodsMy ears flyfrom bird songto bird song.A raptor circles then spiralsCrossing lines now deadWind steals my breathTaking words never saidThis skin bag of atmosphereBreathes new airWhen the sun risesFirst it is coolThen it gets warmThe day passesClouds above my head.Shaped by windOutside my bodyThe same windInside my bodyThesameWindYet…I10, 9, 8… Dread7, 6, 5… Fear4, 3, 2… BEEP.Shoot the moon… or the country next doorCountdown. Deadline. Bow down… dead.Every clock is a handgun pointed at my headzeroConnect:* Share your time anxiety experiences below* Hit the bell for new releases#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click… free To receive new posts and “every clock” PDF. To support my work, consider becoming a paid subscription. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Someone wrote me: "These knocked me sideways... I spent so much time as an undiagnosed autistic girl, wondering if I was the alien dropped among the normies."This is "A Swirl of Flesh-Colored Fog." Living truth. Autistic style.👉 VIDEO: A Swirl of Flesh-Colored Fog - 6:01I can't see faces. When I try to remember someone - even my wife - I see what I call "a swirl of flesh-colored fog."This piece is about wanting to be friends. About struggling with that simple human desire… when your brain doesn't work the way the world expects.No clinical terms. No hidden meanings. Just what it's like to be me. And maybe, if you're autistic, a little about what it's like to be you.This is piece one of thirteen exploring autism, family, and finding authenticity. Not here to inspire you - here to give you an experience of a life.Watch if you want. Share if it moves you.Stay weird.—JohnnyP.S. If this resonates, my full chapbook "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head" is available on Amazon. More living truth, autistic style.#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click to receive new posts… free. To support my work, consider choosing a paid subscription. All subscribers automatically receive a free PDF of the Amazon book, “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head.” This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

Thanks to everyone who tuned in! Free or paid subscribers? Join me for my next live video in the app. Gonna be a Trigger Warnings kinda take on old men with their fingers on THE Button. This week…Here’s my speaking script from this live performance. Close to a transcript, but I changed a few lines on the fly… some even on purpose.Today I’m talking family, friends, love… not known as autistic “superpowers.” So let’s start with a quick blow up of the whole fucking superpower thing.1. After the SecretI have strengths.Not one is my superpower.I have challenges.Not one is my kryptonite.I'm that kid in third gradeDropdropdroppingA mysterious blue crystalInto that test tube—Squealing in delightEvery time it explodes…In purple streams.I love cosplay.But I don’t have to flyWear a maskOr sport a capeTo be autistic.Still…I get to be the heroor bald evil geniusof my own life.2. ShamelessFamily is freaking complex. For me? More disappointment, failure to meet expectations. Not being the son… or brother… the family ordered.Live long enoughYa get a lot right,Get a lot wrong.Get to knowWell enoughYa can’t be a saintLurking in shadow…Living life perfectlyShameless.Shameless.Oh let me beShameless…No sun setsOn a painless life,So no moon shinesOn a stainless wife.Oh let me be… comeShameless.Scaling Mount MarcyThat night as Elvis died,Got branded a MountebankAs my sister grew colder.Stalking Death ValleySame sister… now dead… to meSame stars… chill my shouldersNow living life perfectlyShameless…Shameless.Oh let me beShameless…No peak capsAn aimless life,And no grave ever filledBy a blameless knife.Oh let me be… comeShameless…No mask hidesThe pain in life,So no words canExplain my fight.So, let me Be… comeShameless.I call this one it burns. I didn’t write it about autism. But families face terrible trials. This was my response to one.3. IT BURNSUp your noseOr in your armIt burnsFirst your charmThen your poseIt burnsNo one learnsThe next child will yearnTil It burnsStill burnsOh it burnsIt burns you upIn the mirrorThat dark strangerStares back at youWild-eyed dangerBut you don't fear herIt's youRight on cueShe's seen things you'd never doBut it's youCuz Baby, it's youIt's you nowWhat won't you doBridges burntTowns ashes.Poppa burntMom ashes.BeautyAshes.DutyAshes.HomeAshes.DreamsSmoke…Lovers turn to johnsBurnt.BabiesBurnt.WombBurnt.BrainBurnt.EyesBurnt out…Up your noseOr in your armIt burntFirst your charmThen your poseIt burntNo one learnedYour next child yearnedTil It burntStill burntOh it burntIt burnt you upAte you upNo one homeJust burnt bones....Okay. Hello… family? Friends? I wasn’t born to produce. I was born to observe, experience… then overshare.4. A Shooting Star Has No Purposemy autistic life...failing upwardtoward collapse...?succeeding downwardtoward joy...?it's a quantum thing.the answer is simply...yes.I was not put on this planetto produce.I was born to experience.Observe...and over share.our lives' value isnot measuredby clicks.or data mined by AI.a shooting starslashing through darknesshas no purpose.unlessit ignitesa human instant.illuminates, ya know…that ness…this breathand this moment…all we possess.All.I ain’t gonna lie. This one’s rough. And long. And complex. It may not need a T.S. Eliot pretentious footnote. But I try to intertwine family, control, and religion. And real events from the winter of 97-98. When the Hale-Bopp comet was fading in the Northern New York skies. And the memory of the Heaven’s Gate suicide cult was still fresh in the national mind.This is a hybrid piece. In my mind it’s a movie. With scenes, background music. Jump cuts. But you guys probably loved Pulp Fiction. So I pray you can follow me.5. sneaking your mother’s creepy g-d on highPrelude, December 1997I begin, “There…There's Heaven's Gate.”She fiddles with the binox dials.“Where should I look?”She asks breathless,Trudging bootless.I barely hear herOver the crackling snowBeneath my feet, but say,“There…That smudge in the sky.”I point again.UFO CultChooses Suicide,The TV said.Thirty-nine bodiesIn matching Nikes,The photo read…I close wet eyesTo the hiss & sizzleOf the Northern LightsOver my head,SilenceThen the cold murmurof the cold mother...“That's why they died?”She shrugs.My eyes open… careful, I shrug,“Maybe… they saw a signal from aliens.Or maybe God on high.Who knows what grimdark signThey read that silent night…”Wordless, clueless… a comet sailedRibbons of green and purple light.One cold blue, one hot pink tailFading from history’s sight…So we stroll on intoFake New Year’s dinnerCuz not everyoneCould schedule inThe Real One.How rare it isA two-tailed comet in the sky,A lover doesn’t lie with her eyes,To greet one free man before you die,How rare it isHow rare it isDinner Musicmy mother in a halo of candlesmy mother wrapped in smokemy mother in dark shadowsmeasuring the length of my ropeShe gathers reports from her childrenThis year’s fugue & pedal point,Her table a feast of sand.Youngest Mark files his,A new open source project…“I’m really getting seen.”Lifting my glass to himFrom the dark walnut table,I sip vodka… Neat.Martha next, from her foreign outpostA well-received talk given…Vodka. Neat.Second-oldest Luke comments,Wearing a dead father’s mantle“So proud of this my familyProgress on nearly every front.John, you seem…Well, better… strangely.”Yeah. Vodka. Neat. And deep.Mary reports a year in faith.Jesus gave her home.Jesus gave her kids.Jesus gave her strength… alone.I close my eyes in frustrationSee only those twin tailsSailing in that dark…No wine, no waferJust vodka. Neat.The broken mother nods,Waves a weary hand at each.Then turns to me,Product of her first postpartum,Eldest stranger at her table.She faintly smiles…, “John?”This last-invited autistDrunk to a numb survivalStarts slow… and slurred,“Ya know…?Never… believed… in heroes.Those guys & their comet?They did.”I hear hands tense,Casual wear shift & rustle,Eyes crinkle & narrow…Familiar, family sounds.My runaway trainpicks up steamplunging on and intoa dark tangential tunnel“A part of me rejects a g-dborn perfect without sin,casually tossing miracleslike candy & coins… sublimefrom a gaudy Mardi Gras floatTo kids playing in the grime…”I gulp a breath.Silencea child, high on a stone altara hand… a knife in mid air…a sacrfice for appearanceslike thirty-nine bodiesin matching Nike pairs…How fair is itJesus and Jim JonesBoth got emails from Beyond,Love rusts tilIt’s just one more bond,Your soul’s released whenYour last day’s dawned,How fair is itHow fair is itInterlude, January 1998Flash CutCouple weeks laterIce Storm of ‘98.A friendly… familyGame of cards.Frozen in time, frozen in mindAunts, uncles and cousinsNo one’s got power, trapped…Cabin, cards, liquor… discussions.Killing time… 3 days…Instead of each other.Oh shit. Oh. Shit…There goes that bidI swore I could make.Under my breath… “Damn it to Hell.”Then head down, out loud,“Oh, Shit.”I’m staring at the hand they dealt.So many near-miss combosSo many runs that went nowhere…“My bad. I shoulda played that 9My mind’s off wandering againLet me grab that back. This time.”“No…You gotta drink …Ya gotta drink!This time…Every time!”Rinse repeatMistake over mistakeVodka neat, vodka neatVodka…I… wake to… laughter“Uncle Johnny, you’re the dudeFrom stuck up cuntTo puking your shoes.Man, can you let go… when you want.”And let go... I did.A distracted juggler drops his satin ballA drunken knife thrower ties assistants to the wall,The smoking fortune teller wheezes, “Doom finds us all,A Ring Master’s whip echoes through an emptying hall….Cadenza, for the End of TimeMy catechism askedWhy did that g-d make me?And I askWhy did this unbonded mom have me?To both cluck in disappointment?Over commandmentsI was bornUnable to follow…?To follow a comet into…DesperationDissolutionSuicideAnd the Peace…Of no need for understanding?Ever again?There is no heroNo godNo bodhisattvaThat does not hideThe dazzling ConfusionIn a burning bushOr explains to meLike I’m a five-year oldWhy that twin-tailed cometStill sails across my mindHow rare it isTo find a godDoesn’t want moreThan he gave,A lover who can stay…Even while I raveA man who can liveNot caring if he’s saved,How rare it is.How rare it is.Okay. Friends? Finally late in life I got friends. And love. And this last is a selfie of what that’s like.6. A Swirl of Flesh-Colored Fog“Ya gotta minute?”She takes a quick scan of the aisles. Then toward the eternal sale table near the entrance. Pink and blue signs promising two if you'll just buy one…It's silent. Just me standing in front of her. Bottle of the Coke Zero I’m addicted to in my hand.Dusk. Rural Indiana. I guess the local beef cattlemen, horsey folks, and military munitions testers up at Crane Naval base? They don’t hit Dollar General so much around sun down.“Sure. Nobody much comes in around now. S’up… you good?"I take a beat. To use my words… to find my words.“I’m trying to remember all you guys’… um, ya know, everybody’s names….”“Oh, no worries. You’re good. We really all should have name badges.”I take another beat. To switch appropriate gears.“You know. The autism thing. I have this face and name thing. It’s weird… but I can't remember faces.”Awkward, awkward pause.If you’re listening, if you’re reading…Let me try to take you inside. My being…What’s that like? I only see… Well, words fail me.Take a visit to Walmart. Just a sea of faceless ghosts. Folks I greet, “I know I know you… I have this thing. Can you tell me your name?”Embarrassment. Stammering apologies…See, it’s like this…A swirl of flesh-colored fogThat’s my wife’s face in dreamsI only see her walking awayA grey ponytail., tattered jeansLove of my life… can’t see her…Not her green eyes… in stage makeup…Just homemade tats… the shape of her hair…Feelings, memories… talking after that breakup…So, I’m talking to that DG clerk.“We don’t get out much. You guys? I guess it’s a job. But to us? You’re… well, friends. It means something to me. To learn your name. To… know you.”“Oh.”

👉 YouTube Video of this live spoken word performance👉 “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head,” Amazon book & ebookCold OpenI feel like a brilliant creative soulas if…trapped in a damaged body& neurologytrying to communicate with the worldthrough an intermittently short-circuiting transistor radioplaying through static& the distortion& sparking circuits…to just be heard.Do you understand at all what I mean?IntroYou're listening to AutisticAF Out Loud. One voice. Raw. Real. Fiercely Neurodivergent. Since 1953.Season 5, Episode 7 is special. This live spoken word performance comes straight from my first Amazon book, "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head." Raw insight into my autism… and ADHD.No hidden meanings. Nothing to decode. Just real life. Meant for autistics who need to be seen… And for family, allies, and researchers who want to see us truly. Not through Hollywood's lens of Rain Man and Love on the Spectrum.Just one 72-year-old autistic elder's truth. I'm Johnny Profane.Content Note: Frank discussion of trauma, including sexual abuse. Because… frankly… most autistics I've known survived trauma. This material may be triggering.Subscribers to my Substack receive a free PDF of the entire book. Links to Amazon book and ebook are in the podcast notes.Btw, tomorrow, Sunday 8/31, I'm doing another live performance for subscribers. 12:45 Eastern, 4:45 UTC.With that? Let's dive right in.Live Spoken Word Performance, 8/24/251. Dancing Close to the Edge of the NoiseThought i’d start with a metaphor… something that autistics see…right away. And I think will help.. This autist at least… be seen.#AskingAuDHDists…bear with me a minute.I'm autistic+ADHD.71.i feel likea brilliant creative soulas if…trapped in a damaged body& neurologytrying to communicatewith the worldthrough an intermittentlyshort-circuiting transistor radioplaying through static& the distortion& sparking circuits…to just be heard.do you understand at all what I mean?#ActuallyAutistic #ADHD #ReallyAuDHD2. That Song I'll Never Sing to My Son So let me build another bridge. Who doesn’t relate to children.Like some angelWith a dislocated shoulderHalf f l y i n g H a l f fallingYounger to olderFrom the day I was born.Tumbling to earthRushing up belowBody on f i r eH e a r t aflameIn s l o – m o ,a horror picture show…To a silent piano score…Like that songI’ll never singTo my son.Like that songLike this song….Don’t be a dickReal talk…It’s harder than you think…Listen up…Maybe…Don’t mask… protecting othersDon’t please yourselfLess than bosses & lovers…Hold up…Most of all…Don’t forgetTo have a kidLike you mightForgetThat call-in contestYou just knewYou could winCuz you knew all the words….Gimme a minute.I need a minute…Like some angelThrown outta heavenH a l f fallingHalf f l y i n gFrom what should’ve been…The day I was born.Like that songOn that game show…That I’ll never sing…To that sonI never hadHell,Like this song.3. My Friend BillyOne last bridge. Before we maybe jump off the cliff… They say we don’t having emotions. Or make friends. Clue… I ain’t Spock.65Going on death,Woke to a frozen worldWhere no car creptA day no singing birdWas left aliveA day another friendSighed his last breathPolar vortexBlew thru my trailerWrapped windows in blanketsStale air hung like failureCranked the ovenCracked its doorSealed the entries to my lifeLike a bunker in warSettled in for a day alonePicked up the phoneMy only open door…Wars, rumors of warsDisasters revealedDisasters concealedAcross its screenA dying world's dreamsI read the news,A politician liesLocal man dies…Wind froze my heartAnother sun setsThat'll never riseAnother friendWhere I can't hear his criesBilly…I wish I were that poetSay, Yeats sweet voiceOr at least L. CohenRaised in bitter rejoiceTo toast his life of rough edgesBut I see him clearTears in his eyesLaffingHow he outraced copsAcross Arizona desertsOr burnt a scumbag dealerOr how his child came to be bornCryingAbout a woman he lovedThose kids he missed seeingLocked in his roomPicking at scabsDyingOne bottle at a timeHe lived for loveHe lived for laughsHe left little moreThan a church full of folksWho missed him for an hourHe was Billy.And now years laterHe won't leave my autistic mindAnd still laffs in my autistic heartTeaching it how to praise.AdHey… quick favor? Social media algorithms bury voices like ours. But if you hit subscribe, like, or share? A lot more people may get a chance to truly see autism. One click does a lot of good.4. every clock is a handgun pointed at my head So now we… maybe… know each other a little better. Let's cut deeper… My time? It can’t be measured. Not a dimension… perhaps yours. It’s a force. A violent force.IIIEvery clock is a handgun pointed at my headEvery tick, tick… fucking tickTolling Fear, Doom… dreadClick. Slide. Cock… click.Every night a mantra echoes through my headTV static… a crazy-making humSinging Dream, Drempt… dead…Not done. Not done. Not done… undone10, 9, 8… Dread7, 6, 5… Fear4, 3, 2… BEEP.Shoot the moon… or the country next doorCountdown. Deadline. Bow down… dead.Bound behind doors, bound in my headPace, paces, pacing… pacedEvery BEEP.Of the phone.Stops…my heart....I crash out with a scream for escapeIIWoodsDeep woodsDeepest woodsMy ears flyfrom bird songto bird song.A raptor circles then spiralsCrossing lines now deadWind steals my breathTaking words never saidThis skin bag of atmosphereBreathes new airWhen the sun risesFirst it is cooThen it gets warmThe day passesClouds above my head.Shaped by windOutside my bodyThe same windInside my bodyTheSameWindYet…I10, 9, 8… Dread7, 6, 5… Fear4, 3, 2… BEEP.Shoot the moon… or the country next doorCountdown. Deadline. Bow down… dead.Every clock is a handgun pointed at my headZero5. Believe I'll Ch-Ch-Change My Shirt Someone said an average writer borrows. The other kinds steal out right. Bowie, Robert Johnson, Marvin Gaye? I owe you guys one.Sunlight cracks my window,Gotta be midday.Kick myself a pathwayJust to pee into the bowl.Like a peek into that deepest hole,Zombie in the Mirror won’t let me look away —Same filthy shirt as yesterday,Body and soul.I Gotta Change.They say, “Ya gotta ch-ch-change.New day’s a-coming.Cuz that same old,It’s getting fucking old.”They say, “Shed that old skinFor one of truest gold…”I. Gotta. Change.Believe I’ll ch-ch-changeMy…Shirt.Karma’s a bitch dog, in heat.She prowls my old mind,Sleeps beside me every night…Feasting on defeats.No stone blocks this empty tombBut I can’t leave her behind...Memories of the darkest kindBlind my way outta this room...T H A T change I can not make—Faced all the strange this heart can take…I gotta change…I gotta change…I gotta change…I. Gotta. Change.Believe I’ll ch-ch-changeMy…Shirt.*Break it down…**I believe, I believe, I’ll go back home.**I believe, I believe, I’ll go back home.**You can mistreat me here, babe,**But you can’t when I get home…**Waitress smiles,**checkout jokes…**shoplifting contact**with little hope**casual chic in the cubicle**hoarding freak in the domicile**Molestation devastation**Frustration infestation**losing jobs**taking jabs**Meltdown, shutdown… losing your shit**Choose the label for your best fit**Can’t see the forest**For the leaves,**That’s what’s brought me**To my knees…*New day’s never coming.And that same old,Got fucking older.I yearn to shed that old skinI crave that shiny gold…I. Gotta. Change.Believe I’ll ch-ch-changeMy…Shirt.6. The Body AbidesThis one’s rough. For me. Maybe for you. Trauma’s… well, a bitch."Like I told youNothing really happenedCan't sleep is all..."He repeats his view,"The body watches.The body ALWAYSFucking watches.""Yeah, he kissed meFathers do that.Yeah, it was weird but..."He whispers me,"Your body, your witness.And *this* witness ALWAYSFucking watches."Then he leans in…"What if he'd kissedyour *sister's* lips...?""I'd fucking kill him."*That's when...*i see mein his mirrorwatching myselfwatch my selftransparently autistica son no more,yet the body...abides.images, never sharedimages… never daredhard, wet, franticfumbling… bareragedark rageScreaming RAGE*i'd fucking kill him**fucking kill him**kill him**him.*i rise...soslowlyand fucking smash that mirrori rock, i sway…i rub one red eye.i stand, I stare…I sigh, I say,"My body watchesThe body *ALWAYS*Fucking watches…"into a mirror staring nowhereAs I close his office door...I abide.AdOk. Before we jump back in… just a heads up that links to this live YouTube performance and the Amazon books are waiting in the show notes.7. Slouching toward Montauk I want to tell you a story. Short. Cuz, well, time’s short. Maybe the end Times. Who better to turn inside out than, well Yeats… and his Second Coming.... Let’s say… I’m in my 70s now. Happiest time of my autistic life.Not too worried about some fabulous unachievable autistic Nirvana… These days…Now, here’s that story.My grandfather was a… complex man.He slept beside an orderly nightstand.Tucking Mein Kampf tightIn its tidy drawer every night.And…He used to take me sailing out to Montauk Point… a sea journey from Bay Shore, Long Island… at least as he sailed it on the ocean side… swinging out into the deep water…In his telling, it was a fabulous place.Where a sandstone lighthouse lit the waves, warning of danger.Where the grass on the golf course grew sideways.And every single damn tree bowed toward the West…From the eternal wind blowing onshore.His heaven on earth, he called it…...The wind carries all the sound away…But its roar in my earscreates a kind of hushed silenceinside me...I always experience high anxietyas we lose sight of the shore.Just sky, waves & constant rolling…Disoriented.Like a whiteout in a blizzard.If you throw in some seasickness.But after an hour or so, I make my way to the prow. And sit.Wind on my faceSun on my bodySalt breeze filling my chest…Quieting my heart.Anxiety? Disorientation?I observeThe fixed lighthouseIn the far off dusk.Splashing its light… bravelyInto the spray.Knowing deepIn its softNative sandston

Cold OpenI just heard the duly-elected President of these United States... Donald J. Trump... brag about dropping the atom bomb. On Hiroshima.My god.Steven Colbert? Jon Stewart...?Once, these guys were subversive... were daring. But...But with troops still in the California streets and missiles in Mid-Eastern air...Haven't comedians become nauseatingly... tone dead?When the Comedy stops being funny…We're in deep shit. Especially anybody different. Like, say… autistics..[music theme]IntroYou’re listening to Trigger Warnings, episode 2 … a new project of AutisticAF Out Loud podcast.I'm Johnny Profane. Your fiercely divergent guide to what's actually happening in the news.Gimme 10 minutes? I'll give you my neurodivergent world.Today: “Not Everything's Funny: Colbert, Trump .. & Hiroshima.” Military deployments in two cities, Constitutional challenges mounting, and one burning question: Are we witnessing democratic norms under assault in real time? And trying to just laugh it off?For an ever deeper dive, I’ve included footnotes and readings in the subStack.Content Note: civil unrest, military deployment, law enforcement actions, concerns about democratic institutions + experiences & opinions of one autistic voice... in my 70s.[music theme]ShowAct 1: The Unprecedented BreakI just heard the duly-elected President of these United States... Donald J. Trump... brag about dropping the atom bomb. On Hiroshima.[1]At a NATO summit.In front of the world.My god.Let me tell you what just happened. Because the News? They aren't "reporting" just how fucked up this really is.[music freedom, 8 bars]No President Has Ever Done ThisSince the guy who dropped those bombs in 1945…Harry Truman…stopped defending his decision…cuz he stopped being president in 1952.No American president since… has dared… brag about Hiroshima. Or Nagasaki.[2]Not one.You know why? Because even the worst of them understood something. Those bombs killed 200,000 people.[3] Mostly civilians. Women. Children. Grandparents.Even Eisenhower… the guy American history class sayswon World War II… Even he said the bombing "never ceased troubling me." He called it completely unnecessary.[4]Obama visited Hiroshima in 2016.[5] He didn't apologize. But he didn't brag either.Reagan talked about nuclear weapons. But he said "a nuclear war can never be won."[6]Every president since Truman understood this was serious shit. Sacred ground. You don't joke around about vaporizing cities.Not Trump.He's bragging. Comparing his conventional strikes to atomic bombs. Like it's a video game."We have the best nuclear technology," he said. "The best equipment in the world."Like… nuclear weapons were toys.[music]Trump Just Shattered “Normal”Yesterday at the NATO summit in The Hague, Trump compared his strikes on Iran to Hiroshima.His exact words: "I don't want to use an example of Hiroshima. I don't want to use the example of Nagasaki, that was essentially the same thing. That ended that war, this ended this war."[7]He was bragging. Bragging about nuclear destruction. Like a fucking business deal."That hit ended the war," he said. Chest puffed out. Proud as hell.This is what we've come to. The President casually referencing the incineration of 200,000 humans… as a model for current policy.At an international summit.On camera.With full makeup.[music 8 bars, freedom]You know social media… if you take a sec to hit subscribe, like, share? A lot more people will check it out. Just one click… and you do a lotta good.[music, freedom]The Comedy ProblemHow are we supposed to respond? Where's the outrage?In other words, where are the comedians? Most Gen Z-ers and younger get their news from late night comedy shows.[8]Colbert will try out a "new" joke tonight. Stewart will do his smirk. They'll treat this like another Trump gaffe they can mine for laughs.[9]But it's not funny anymore.Once, these guys were subversive... were daring. But...Haven’t they become nauseatingly... tone dead?You can't satirize someone who's already become a parody of human decency. Someone the scriptures of all major religions would label simply… evil?Bragging about mass murder... what the fuck is left to mock?Comedy works when there's a shared understanding of normal. When people have shame. When some lines… you just don't cross.But Trump crossed the biggest. With a smile. Not one objection from a room full of reporters. Just brief sneers from a TV full of comedians.So, Canary-in-the-coal-mine time….When the Comedy stops being funny…We're in deep shit. Especially anyone different. Like, say… autistics…[music]Why This MattersThis isn't about politics. Left or right.This is about what kind of country we are.For 80 years, American presidents understood that Hiroshima was different. Special. Unspeakable.[10]They might defend it…quickly, quietly. Say, “It saved lives.” Then quickly, move on.They understood Power comes with burdens… responsibility, accountability, humanity. That killing 200,000 people isn't something you do a victory spike over.Trump doesn't understand that weight.Or worse... he doesn't care.Ya, know, worse yet? Maybe he does care. About the bullying power that his brutish remarks burn into the world's memory.[music]Act 2: When Institutions FailWith troops still in the California streets, missiles in Mid-Eastern skies… and a Bully-in-Chief in the pulpit…Comedy… and art… fall silent.Corporate News? Well it talks… too much. But it just isn’t saying anything. They don’t cover reality anymore. They've been cowed into repeating Administration lies… through shell-shocked faces.When the President of the United States casually references nuclear genocide... and we fear he might just use them sometime …within the next two weeks…like all of his jokes…that become threats…that become promises kept to his base…Our cultural tools break down.We don't have frameworks for this.We have jokes for corrupt politicians. For liars. For cheaters. That subversive humor can shed a light into Democratic or Republican darkness. Through a shared giggle.But jokes about dropping nukes?They’re just distractions. Like… witty comebacks, really killer memes, and the occasional truly thoughtful opinion piece in the New York Times.[music]What We're Really FacingThis is what authoritarianism starts like.[11] Not jackboots and death squads.Just a man who thinks mass murder… is something to celebrate. A man who doesn't understand why some folks might find that disturbing.The scariest part? He said this at NATO. To our allies.Heard round the world. By any country that remembers World War II. What nuclear weapons actually do.Like say, Japan.[music]Are the Democrats' the Alternative?The political opposition? They're not exactly rising to the moment. What the fuck are Democrats doing?[12]Running the same playbook they've used since Hillary lost."We're the adults in the room.""At least we're not Trump. Vote for us because we're not insane.""You just wait for the midterms… oh, boy. We really got him now."We need more than just "At least, we're not that guy."You need to explain why this is fucking terrifying.Wait… Forget all that.Say as little as absolutely necessary.Just fucking act already.[music]Where We Are NowSo here we are. And we're all supposed to pretend this is normal.It's not normal.It's not funny.And it's not sustainable. Maybe not survivable.[music]The TruthTrump just told the world that he thinks nuclear destruction is a deal-making path… worth aspiring to. :Proudly.That's not politics. That's not even partisanship.That's a fundamental break with human decency.And if we can't say that out loud... if we can't admit how fucked up this is...We're already lost.[music AutisticAF Out Loud theme]OutroThis has been Trigger Warnings: Fiercely Divergent News. Reminding you we navigate a world that wasn't built for us Neurodivergents… and it may be time… to build our own.Another warning sign that, ya know… human decency? All bets are off.Which doesn’t bode well for anybody who is different.Next week? 10 more minutes of my neurodivergent world. Until then, take care of your beautiful pattern-seeking, divergent brain.And… stay safe? Stay fierce.#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click o receive new posts… free. To support my work, consider becoming a paid subscriber.Binge on the most authentic autistic voice in podcasting.7 decades of raw truth, real insights, zero yadayada.Footnotes[1] https://www.aljazeera.com/video/newsfeed/2025/6/25/trump-compares-iran-strikes-to-hiroshima-and-nagasakihttps://www.huffpost.com/entry/trump-hiroshima-nagasaki-iran_n_685bf52ee4b024434f988a73https://www.middleeasteye.net/news/hit-ended-war-trump-likens-iran-strikes-hiroshima-bombinghttps://cbs4local.com/news/nation-world/president-donald-trump-compares-iran-strikes-to-hiroshima-bombing-nagasaki-claims-successful-end-to-conflict-nato-summit-netherlands-secretary-general-mark-rutte-operation-midnight-hammer[2]: While President Truman initially called the atomic bomb "the greatest thing in history" aboard his ship returning from Potsdam, his public statements were more measured, describing it as "a harnessing of the basic power of the universe".https://millercenter.org/the-presidency/presidential-speeches/august-6-1945-statement-president-announcing-use-bombTruman defended the decision but stopped discussing it publicly after leaving office. No subsequent president has publicly celebrated or bragged about the atomic bombings until Trump's 2025 remarks.https://www.nps.gov/articles/trumanatomicbomb.htm[3]: Death toll estimates for the atomic bombings vary significantly. The Manhattan Engineer District initially estimated 105,000 total deaths (66,000 in Hiroshima, 39,000 in Nagasaki) by end of 1945. The International Campaign to Abolish Nuclear Weapons estimates 140,000 in Hiroshima and 74,000 in Nagasaki by end of 1945. Methodological challenges include destroyed records, uncertain pre-bombing populations, and radiation-related deaths over time.https