BANG!

Featuring real stories from real people about sex, sexuality and relationships, Melody Thomas leads a frank and often-entertaining exploration over 7-parts, into topics too often shrouded in shame and secrecy.BANG! explores sex, sexuality and relationships over a lifetime, from parents attempting "the talk" with their children, through the fraught teen years, modern dating, long-term relationships, contraception and conception, right up to intimacy in retirement homes.Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Melody Thomas leads a frank and often-entertaining exploration into sex, sexuality and relationships - starting at the very beginning with 'The Birds and The Bees'. Featuring everyday kiwis reflecting on their experiences of 'the talk', young parents now on their struggles when it comes to discussing sex and sexuality with their kids, and Sex Therapy NZ's Mary Hodson with some practical advice. With the release of new podcast series Bang! Melody Thomas reflects on making the series. When you spend six months talking about nothing except sex, a few things happen.The first is that the topic becomes absolutely normal. Or at least your recovery time after that initial embarrassment is significantly lessened.In the past few weeks I've hit the streets to ask strangers how 'The Talk' went down in their households, ventured into a high school to quiz students on sex education, called an old primary school friend to explore an incident from our childhood we never addressed... and last week my mother and I talked at length about her intimate experiences.Not only did I live to tell the tale but I actually feel better for it. Despite the fact that the whole reason for making this series was to normalise these kinds of conversations, I live in a constant state of surprise at just how fast the process is. And that normalisation is contagious. As the weeks go by I have noticed friends and family start to open up and share their experiences. Even strangers move quickly from shocked to open book - sometimes they almost seem relieved at being given permission to share this stuff without judgement. Is there anything besides sex that is so widely practised and so resolutely ignored? Where does the shame come from? In episode one of BANG! I speak with Sex Therapy NZ's Mary Hodson about ways to talk with young children about sex - but I started the interview by asking her about this. "I think it probably stems back to.... 2000 years of religious domination of human sexuality, particularly female sexuality... Women died in child birth, poverty was extensive... and if a girl got pregnant and had a baby she may not even survive. There were good reasons for controlling sexuality," she says. The contraceptive pill became available to New Zealand women from 1961 - though unmarried women would have trouble accessing it for the next decade and until 1989, it was illegal to discuss birth control with people under 16. Slowly but surely, we began to acknowledge that sex was about more than making babies, but decades on we still struggle to talk about what else it is for. …Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

In episode two, we explore how teens deal with sex ed, relationships and the influence of pornography. Plus famous Kiwis travel back in time to deliver sex advice to their teen selves. In episode two of RNZ's podcast about sex, we explore how teens deal with sex ed, relationships and the influence of pornography. Plus famous Kiwis travel back in time to deliver sex advice to their teen selves.The calls for better and more comprehensive sex education in schools is growing louder, and in recent months much of it has been coming from school students themselves. In March, hundreds of demonstrators, mostly students, protested at Parliament, concerned that schools aren't doing enough to combat rape culture among some groups of teens. The action came after revelations of comments made online by Wellington College students, encouraging sexual assault.In response to the protests, Education Minister Hekia Parata maintained the matter is "first and foremost a parental, family and whānau responsibility".Tomorrow, Wellington High School students Lauren Jack and Ruby Medlicott will deliver a petition to Parliament asking for better sex ed in schools, calling for the government to commit to making "consent and healthy relationships a compulsory part of the curriculum".BANG! creator Melody Thomas asks New Zealanders with strong views on the subject why this issue is important to them, starting with the petition's creators. "If we want to fight sexual assault in New Zealand, we need to have consistent and comprehensive sex education for young people in New Zealand. One in three girls experience some form of sexual assault before the age of 16, and the same goes for one in seven boys. We need to educate and be educated on not only reproductive systems, but consent and why it is needed, and what makes up a healthy relationship. This education also needs to come with LGBTQ inclusion, we are sick of the exclusion of non-heteronormative relationships in the discussion around sex ed."Through providing consistent and comprehensive sex education in schools, New Zealand's young people will grow up knowing how to be in a healthy relationship, putting an end to rape culture and leading to a generation of respectful, self aware and educated New Zealanders. We think this is too huge of an issue to ignore, and don't want to live in a world in which we are scared to be in.""We are only just beginning to see the significant impact that the widespread access to pornography and the influence of technology is having on this generation of young people and on the opinions and attitudes that young people are developing about sex and relationships…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

In episode 3 a group of 20-somethings tell us what dating and hooking up looks like for them, plus Eleanor Butterworth on 'ethical sex', Hera Lindsay Bird reads a new poem, and Laura Borrowdale reviews a website dedicated to female pleasure. In episode 3 of BANG! a group of 20-somethings share what dating and hooking up looks like for them, plus Eleanor Butterworth tells us about 'ethical sex', Hera Lindsay Bird reads a new poem, and Laura Borrowdale reviews a website dedicated to female pleasure.It is the natural way of things for older generations to decry the actions and values of those that follow. So headlines like this one and this one, labelling hookup culture as 'rampant' and 'epidemic' among millennials, should come as no big surprise.But while they might have better access to birth control and face less social stigma for having casual sex, this 2016 study found that in their millenials in their early 20s are more likely to abstain from sex than Gen X'ers. Previous research also identified this group as having fewer sexual partners overall than both GenX'ers and Baby Boomers.The misperception that millennials are hooking up more than ever might in part be driven by dating apps and social media - where those who are interested in casual sex are increasingly upfront about their desires. But even if it is sometimes jarring for older generations to read, one of the likely effects of this transparency is a wider normalisation of conversations around sex. Eleanor Butterworth has worked with Wellington Rape Crisis and Women's Refuge and is the project manager for NZ Rugby's Respect and Responsibility programme. She says open dialogue around sex is an important part of moving towards a healthy sexual culture. "The more normal it is 'Do you wanna hook up? What does that mean to you? What do you like?' ... the better the sex that we'll have will be," she says. For those who remain anxious that normalising conversations around sex equates to encouraging promiscuity, Butterworth has this to say: "Sexual empowerment is about knowing what's right for you. For some people sex exists in this really special, sacred place that is part of a marriage or long term relationship, and for other people what's right for them is casual... but all of those things should be imbued with respect... Even if they're not the love of our life we're still going to treat those people as precious as opposed to disposable."Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

In episode 4, we hear from couples about the ways sex and intimacy has changed over their years together, and Sex Therapy NZ's Helen Mounsey shares tips for couples wishing to stay connected. In Episode 4 of sex and relationships podcast BANG! Melody Thomas speaks with couples about the ways intimacy has changed over their years together. To celebrate its release, Sex Therapy NZ's Helen Mounsey shares tips for staying connected long-term. Maintain your couple time and social lives "Prioritising couple time is hugely important... Even if it means saving your pennies to pay a babysitter for two hours. Just ensuring that you have a break where you have conversations that a) are not about children, b) are not about money but c) about us. Our dreams, who you are, how you are... and an opportunity to listen or be listened to.It's important to have a social life. Couples who don't go out miss out on an opportunity to see their partner viewed by others... We see another aspect of our partner when they flirt or talk with another person... and we listen to how other people attend to them and respect them. It gives us another view on how we are together."Balancing needs"Most couples will reach a stage where their sex drives are different. It's easy to have similar libidos when you are new and fascinating to each other - but somewhere between 6 and 18 months, each other's annoying habits and differences can be a turn off... acceptance, flexibility and candid communication will be necessary.Problems can also arise from infidelities, differing parenting styles, work pressures, power imbalance, family demands and financial pressures. Left unresolved, they are likely to breed resentment - the most common reason for withdrawing from intimacy and sex. Sexual problems related to sexual performance can emerge... worry about lasting the distance (men) or finding arousal and orgasm elusive (both men and women) can be related to one of the above issues. And engaging in "mercy sex" in order to please a sulking partner will inevitably add to mounting disappointment and isolation. So seek help as soon as you can so these patterns don't become entrenched."Share the work"People go into relationships with unrealistic expectations around what happens when you have children. The fact of the matter is there are enormous changes and there are losses. In heterosexual relationships, the mother is totally invested in the care of the baby and... for men who find it difficult to step into place of being the father, there may be feelings that they are losing their partner to the baby…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

In episode 5, we hear from parents about how kids affected their relationships, clinical psychologist and sex therapist Nic Beets highlights some of the most common issues experienced by new parents and a couple share an unorthodox conception story. In episode 5 of BANG! Melody Thomas explores the effects having a baby can have on sex and relationships. For its release, Gareth Hughes, Emily Writes, Laura Borrowdale, Nicola Willis and Gem Wilder share the one thing they wish they'd known about all this before becoming parents. Gareth Hughes - Green MP"The one thing I wish someone had told me was parenthood isn't a zero sum game so don't beat yourself up. I travel a lot for work and one of my parenting challenges has been a feeling of guilt I wasn't being as good a father or husband as I wanted to be. On the other hand, when I spent more time with my partner and kids I battled feelings I was failing at my job. It's easy to feel like work and family are in conflict but I know now it's not a zero sum game - you need to find a balance between being a present parent and real person at work." Emily Writes - Author 'Rants in the Dark'"I was really worried about how my sex life would change after having kids - I'd hear horror stories of mothers who didn't want to have sex anymore. I'd seen couples break up and say they never had sex anymore. I was worried that would happen to us. My husband and I have always had really great sex - we know each other's bodies really well. After well over a decade together you just do. I was worried that we would lose what we had. And there was nobody saying it would be any different.I was surprised that actually after kids sex has become even more important to us. It isn't just an outlet for pleasure anymore - it helps us when we are really tired to feel less overwhelmed, it gives us energy, and it brings us closer together. Banging is also a great way to end a pointless fight... of saying, "We are just tired and that's why we are arguing over whether it's going to rain or not today."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

In episode 6, Melody faces up to another awkward phone call, we learn about how intimacy is affected by life-threatening illness, visit an "adult entertainment store" and sex therapist Edit Horvath identifies some of the common issues faced by those in their 50s.In BANG! episode 6 sex therapist Edit Horvath identifies some of the common challenges faced by those in their 50s, and we learn about how intimacy is affected by life-threatening illness. Plus Melody braves a "sex shop" to find out what's on offer for couples hoping to 'spice up' their sex lives.She writes about that experience below.Sex shops are a lot different now than the last time I visited one. For a start, they're not called "sex shops" anymore - staff preferring the term 'adult lifestyle store' because, as my Peaches & Cream tour guide Dan points out - "we don't sell sex". If that's the case what they do sell is certainly sex-adjacent - everything from vibrators and dildos, to 'fleshlights', lube, porn DVDs and whatever you might need for a bit of entry-level BDSM. But there are no heavy curtains or dark corners - in fact the store is bright, neatly arranged and clean - a quick glance and you might think you were looking at a chemist. "You're buying a product that you're basically putting in yourself, so it's gotta be clean and nice," says Dan. Over half an hour Dan shows me around his shop, at my request focusing in on the types of things requested by or recommended to those in their 50s and early 60s hoping to 'spice things up'. He begins by showing me what a sex toy looked like 'back in the day', compared with today. The older ones are more closely modelled on male anatomy, aside from the bunny head growing out of the side, whereas these days female sex toys are much more streamlined, almost futuristic-looking, and are made from non-porous silicone so they don't harbour bacteria. Many are rechargeable "so they have a lot more power", some can even be controlled via smartphone - adding a tactile component to traditional phone or webcam sex, and one brand even has a clitoral stimulator that sucks- literally. Dan turns it on and urges me to put my finger up to it - sure enough, it latches on."They're a lot quieter than the older ones as well," says Dan, knowingly…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

In BANG! episode 7, Melody speaks to couples in their 60s and 70s about the different ways they choose to stay connected, Lesley Maskery discusses policy and practice regarding sexuality in rest homes, and we look to the future with Jenny Kleeman, on the ethics of sex robots.In episode 7, Melody speaks to couples in their 60s and 70s about the different ways they choose to stay connected, Lesley Maskery discusses policy and practice regarding sexuality in rest homes, and we look to the future with Jenny Kleeman, on the ethics of sex robots.To celebrate the release of the final episode of BANG!, Melody reflects on the many things she's learned during its making. "These areas of our bodies were given to us for pleasure. Make the most of it."I'm sitting at a wooden dining table with a sweet couple in their 70s. On my feet are the slippers they offered to me as I stepped in from the rain; in my hand a cup of their very good tea.This couple been married for nearly 40 years and an outsider who stumbled upon the scene might assume we're talking about grandchildren, or gardening.But we're talking about sex.The gentleman tells me about his naturally high sex drive - a state that sees him "ready to go" in a moment given the right circumstances. His wife nods in agreement. Sensing a sexual energy between them that I'm not sure how to deal with, I joke nervously: "Would you like me to leave?""Oh no," she says, "We've already done it."He looks at her fondly and adds, "We knew you were coming!"This interview is in the final episode of BANG!, but it was actually recorded fairly early on - and the mental image of this seemingly-innocent old couple getting it on wasn't one I was prepared for.The entire reason for making the podcast was to normalise conversations about sex and sexuality, but the project came from a place of curiosity rather than expertise. Early on, there was a whole lot of faking calm in the face of shocking or embarrassing situations but surprisingly soon I got to the point where nothing really phased me.It was a baptism of fire. In episode 1, I spoke to a childhood friend I hadn't seen in years about the time we showed each other our private parts in my treehouse…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Using real stories told by real people, Melody Thomas leads a frank (but often entertaining) exploration of sex, sexuality and relationships. In the first episode of season 2, people talk about their "sexual awakenings" and first times, and we explore the idea of virginity as a social construct. In the first episode of the new season, Melody explores how people feel about their "sexual awakenings", what it was like "the first time", and asks if the way we talk about virginity is actually a little unhelpful."I'm going to know when you've had sex, so don't try to hide it from me."I'm not sure how old I was when my Dad said this to me, but it's obvious now what he was trying to do - that by letting me know that he'd know, I would perhaps be less inclined to follow the path of sexual temptation.Unfortunately all it did was set me up for a double disappointment. I still remember coming home after "losing my virginity" and being astonished when he said nothing.His threat (delivered with love, but a threat nonetheless) had led me to believe that once I had sex I would be transformed, glowing with womanly experience, that strangers on the street would high five me as I passed - but there was nothing.Losing my virginity turned out to be an anti-climax in every sense of the word.I first had had sex during my high school years - but if you didn't, and you felt like everyone else was, you might be comforted to know that most people don't have sex until later.The Youth '12 survey, which drew on students from 91 schools around the country, found that only 25% of male students and 24% of female students reported ever having had sex. New Zealand is a diverse place, and the ways people think about virginity vary depending on their cultural background, familial circumstances, sexuality and gender identity, and whether religion was a part of their upbringing.When I spoke with people on the street about their "first times" I encountered some who were happy with how it happened, others who wished they'd waited till they were older, one trans person whose first time was anything but pleasant, and more than a few who talked about being nervous, anxious or "terrified". …Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Melody Thomas is joined by Alex Casey, Leonie Hayden and Michele A'Court from The Spinoff's On The Rag podcast for a boisterous chat about their "sexual awakenings". This episode contains frank discussion, the sexualisation of cartoon characters and a couple of swears.In this bonus episode, she's joined by Alex Casey, Leonie Hayden and Michele A'Court from The Spinoff podcast On The Rag.Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

In this episode, three people in their 30s and 40s talk about dating. In the second episode of season two, Melody speaks with three people in their 30s and 40s about dating - including BANG! illustrator Pinky Fang, who faces a unique set of challenges when it comes to meeting someone new. Pinky talks about blind dating, Ollie gives speed dating a go, Christie talk about dating while also trying to get pregnant, and Guardian columnist Jean Hannah Edelstein offers advice for dating in the wake of the Me Too movement. Pinky is charming and funny, with killer style and a really beautiful dog.If you met her for the first time, as I did, face to face in a well-lit room, you might never know she's also legally blind. Pinky has a rare genetic disorder called retinitis pigmentosa - which causes a breakdown and loss of cells in the retina.The degeneration is in the periphery of her eyes - "so basically I've got tunnel vision and it's getting more "tunnelly" ... the hole is getting smaller," she explains.Another side effect of this type of blindness is that Pinky's eyes don't adjust to the dark, and at night she's completely blind. At 31 years old, the last time Pinky was in the dating game, she says 'dating' wasn't really part of it."Growing up in New Zealand and in a small town, there wasn't so much dating as there was going to a party and getting drunk and hooking up with some guy. Dating has never really been a thing 'til semi-recently."These days if you're 'dating' you're likely on Tinder, Bumble, Grindr or any one of the growing number of apps built specifically to bring people together. But these apps can be a minefield of unsolicited dick pics and various iterations of the greeting "how u?"Not to mention the hours of 'admin' that goes into messaging back and forth until someone bites the bullet and suggests a date - but for Pinky the process is especially fraught. Before she even swipes on a person's photo, Pinky is looking at their picture trying to figure out if they might have stuff in common ("There's so many outdoorsy guys on there... I can't climb a f***ing mountain, I can't see!!"), if they'll be OK with her guide dog ("dog allergies are a deal breaker") and how they might respond when she eventually tells them about that part of herself. "I feel like I'm looking at this person like 'Would they be weird about blindness?'... Like, how can you know? You can't."When it comes to dating with a disability, issues around 'disclosure' can cause a lot of stress…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

In this episode, Melody speaks with a couple of people in heterosexual relationships whose attractions are nevertheless far from straightforward. "Alex" is straight but sometimes sleeps with men, Linda Jane and Eddie look like a straight couple but one of them identifies as queer, plus sex therapist Nic Beets and his daughter Lena helps us make sense of it all. If you're about my age - that's 33 - and you had parents who acknowledged the existence of sexualities other than straight, you probably grew up thinking there were three sexual orientations - homosexual, heterosexual and bisexual.But more and more we're hearing sexuality described as "fluid". What does that mean? Can a person identify as 70% straight, or mostly gay? Can you start off life straight and then identify as gay or bi at different points throughout? Or is the whole notion that sexuality can fit inside one tidy box or another completely outdated?Clinical psychologist and sex therapist Nic Beets thinks it is, and welcomes the move away from allocating our sexualities to discreet boxes."It's really easy to judge other people when you don't know their experience so I would always caution against that... People are doing things sexually for all sorts of reasons and in all sorts of ways," he says. People like Alex (not his real name), a Generation Xer and kiwi 'bloke' who identifies as straight, but whose personal history is far more complicated. He got in touch with me to share his 30-year experience of sleeping with other men.Alex is only ever attracted to, and is only interested in establishing emotional relationships with women, but every now and then he gets the "urge" to have no strings attached, "base-level, animalistic sex" with other men. And he does, by using a network of websites and known public places that put him "within a vicinity of other men with similar interests", and which he says many other men in straight relationships use too. "There'll be people that you work with that'll just slip away at a lunch time, literally go and have sex, be back after lunch and the people around them will be none the wiser." he says.Nic Beets says the phenomenon of ostensibly straight men sleeping with other men is well known by sexuality experts and academics, and that the practice is, "as old as humanity"."In my understanding, straight men are doing this for sexual gratification because it's straightforward and easy and they don't have to pay for it. It's very much about "getting off"... other men will give you the kind of sex you want." …Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

'Toxic masculinity' is a phrase that gets thrown around a lot these days but a lot of guys seem not to like it... Maybe it's the 'toxic' part? In this episode of BANG! Melody Thomas takes a trip to a Coromandel pub to hear about 'Man Cards', gets some great metaphors from comedian and teen mentor James Nokise and trades weather burns and communication tips with psychologist Zac Seidler. Warning: This episode includes explicit language, discussion of rape, suicide and mental health. 'Toxic masculinity' is a phrase that gets thrown around a lot these days but a lot of guys seem not to like it... Maybe it's the 'toxic' part?People like Fox News host Tucker Carlson and Canadian psychology professor and "culture warrior" Jordan B Peterson believe masculinity is under attack. They (and many others) argue that efforts to deconstruct gender norms - you know, encouraging boys to play with dolls and girls to pick up trucks - are hurting men.Modern men are lost, because they don't know how to be "men" anymore.What is going on? Are men being exposed for the villains they have always been or are they being cast in that role before they even get the chance to show us otherwise?What is masculinity? Is it changing? If it is, what new shape is it taking? And why is that so scary for people?On the internet, we're shouting across a void, that's getting bigger and bigger, so the chances of hearing each other get less and less. How do we fix this?In this episode of Bang! Melody Thomas takes a trip to a Coromandel pub to hear about 'Man Cards', gets some great metaphors from comedian and teen mentor James Nokise, and trades weather burns with Australian psychologist Zac Seidler.Along the way she (hopefully) gets some answers.Here is a list of resources for those seeking help:Lifeline: 0800 543 354 or text HELP to 4357Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 / 0508 TAUTOKO (24/7). This is a service for people who may be thinking about suicide, or those who are concerned about family or friends.Depression Helpline: 0800 111 757 (24/7)Samaritans: 0800 726 666 (24/7)Youthline: 0800 376 633 (24/7) or free text 234 (8am-12am), or email talk@youthline.co.nzWhat's Up: online chat (7pm-10pm) or 0800 WHATSUP / 0800 9428 787 children's helpline (1pm-10pm weekdays, 3pm-10pm weekends)Kidsline (ages 5-18): 0800 543 754 (24/7)Rural Support Trust Helpline: 0800 787 254Healthline: 0800 611 116Rainbow Youth: (09) 376 4155Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

How do lesbians have sex? What's it like to be asexual? Or polyamorous? And how can a disability affect your sex life? Melody Thomas seeks answers from the people who know best. In this episode Melody Thomas seeks the answers to a few "Frequently Asked Questions" - some that have been emailed or text in by you, and others that get asked a little too much.One thing listeners have been curious about is asexuality - which BANG! listener Rosie volunteered to come in and talk about.Ever since she was a young girl, Rosie had a feeling she was different to the kids around her. Where they were getting crushes and playing kiss tag, or later when people started to couple up in high school, she just didn't see the appeal."I would always miss the point of some things that were going on. There was always this little bit of obliviousness - there'd be some kind of in joke or somebody would've been flirting with someone and it'd completely pass me by."At first Rosie assumed that those feelings would come later on. When they didn't, she began to wonder what was wrong with her. But growing up in a rural town before the internet got big, there wasn't a whole lot of information around about asexuality.Asexuality is a sexual orientation just like hetero-, homo- and bisexuality. The simplest way to define an "ace" (the umbrella nickname for asexuals) is someone who "does not experience sexual attraction." It's estimated that about 1% of the population identify as asexual.But many people, Rosie included, don't fit within the 'simple' definition of asexuality. So even when Rosie did finally learn about aces, the identity didn't seem to 'fit'."For me it's a lack of interest in anything physical, but the fantasy or conceptual element is there," she says.Then two years ago, Rosie stumbled upon an article about "autochorrisexuality" - a subgroup of asexuality (also known as aegosexuality) where aces experience arousal and fantasies, but have no desire to take part in them.Autochorrisexuals can:Get aroused by sexual content but not actually want to engage in any sexual activity.Masturbate but are neutral or repulsed by the idea of actual sex with another person.Fantasise about sex but envision people other than themselves, or viewing it from a distance.Predominantly or entirely fantasise about fictional characters or celebrities…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Scholars and activists Ngahuia Te Awekotuku and Elizabeth Kerekere speak with Melody Thomas about what sex, sexuality and gender looked like in Te Ao Maori prior to colonisation, plus Rosanna Raymond shares a Pacific perspective, and we meet non-binary Auckland teenager Kahi.Despite spending more than a year learning about sex, sexuality and relationships in Aotearoa - until recently, I knew very little about pre-colonial Māori perspectives on these things. I'd have more easily defined the indigenous North American term "two-spirit" than our own takatāpui.For this episode of BANG! I spoke with scholars and activists Emeritus Professor Ngahuia Te Awekotuku and Dr Elizabeth Kerekere about why old stories illustrating diverse sexualities and gender expressions in Te Ao Māori aren't better known by all.For most of the 20th century, the question of pre-colonial Māori attitudes towards homosexuality and other non-binary genders and sexualities had only one answer.A typical comment came from the 1970s vocal psychiatrist L. Gluckman, as quoted in Sexuallity & the Stories of Indigenous People:"Homosexuality in both male and female was unknown in early New Zealand. Sexual perversion in the modern Māori is culturally determined by current social, economic and environmental pressures."This was mainstream view - Māori were free of "perversions" until they were introduced by Europeans.But in the 1970s there was a challenge to that mainstream view.In that decade, Ngahuia Awekotuku was one of two people to stumble upon the word "takatāpui" - an ancient term defined as "an intimate companion of the same sex" which had fallen into a long period of disuse.Takatāpui was reclaimed by Māori in lesbian, gay and trans communities in the 80s. In recent years its' definition has expanded to encompass all tāngata whenua with diverse gender identities, sexualities, and sex characteristics - similar to the way the word 'queer' is used now.But for Te Awekotuku the word has greater significance: the fact that it predates European arrival in Aotearoa is a clue."In the world that existed before Tasman, Cook and the arrival of outsiders, I believe there was a really robust and vigorous and intense exploration of sexualities, and an acceptance of them," she says.Te Awekotuku believes the arrival of European settlers and later missionaries, meant behaviours which had been entirely acceptable were suddenly cast in a deviant light."Whatever Christianity may have brought to the Māori world which was good and wholesome and proper and acceptable, it also brought a great deal of pain and a lot of judgement," she says…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

We hear three stories from people who have worked through shame or embarrassment towards "really wonderful sunshine" on the other side. Content warning: In this episode of BANG! we hear the story of a survivor of sexual abuse. In this episode, three people open up about personal experiences that shame or embarrassment have prevented them from sharing. One of them is Henry*, who approached BANG! to talk about premature ejaculation. Henry remembers really clearly the first time it happened to him. He was 18 or 19 and in a relationship with a slightly older woman who he cared for and trusted. One day they went for a walk that ended up back at his house, where they decided to have sex. He put on a condom, she climbed on top of him, but almost before they began, it was over."It was... like holding a water balloon in my hands, and I really wanted to have fun with it and it just slipped out of my fingers and smashed all over and some of it got on my pants," he laughs.Between two and five percent of men report experiencing premature ejaculation (PE), though the term isn't well defined. Generally it refers to an 'intervaginal ejaculatory latency time' - that's the period from penetration to ejaculation - lasting less than two minutes. But some men who ejaculate quickly don't see it as an issue and some who take longer than two minutes still think it happens too fast. In one Australian survey nearly a quarter of men said they believed they "came to orgasm too quickly."Because it's not widely discussed, those who experience PE can feel a lot of shame."Embarrassment almost isn't the right word for it it touched at a deeper place about self worth," Henry says. "It's more a crushing, 'I'm a terrible person and why would anyone wanna be with me?' kinda feeling."Edit Horvath is an Auckland-based therapist specialising in sex therapy and relationship counselling. She sees a number of men about PE and erectile issues, and says an increasing number of her clients are younger men.When it comes to treatment, Edit first looks into any potential biological issues that may be contributing, and teaches exercises which can help extend the time before a person ejaculates.But she also spends a lot of time looking into her clients perception of the issue. After all, there is no universally accepted view of a 'right' length of time for sex, and sometimes the real problem is inflexibility in the way we view sex and physical intimacy…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

In this very special episode of BANG! recorded in front of a live audience at The Basement Theatre, Melody Thomas and guests dispense advice, tell personal stories, recite erotic poems and have a few laughs along the way. For this very special episode of BANG!, recorded in front of a live audience at The Basement Theatre, Melody Thomas and guests dispense advice, tell personal stories, recite erotic poems and have a few laughs along the way. On the night, very serious BANG! News host Susie Ferguson delivered breaking news stories she'd never seen until that moment. As hoped, she struggled to keep it together. We also had an appearance from episode seven's Shelley* - the 29 year old virgin keen to explore her sexuality but not sure how to start. In front of a live audience, she gave us an update. Read Shelley's story below. When Shelley was 13 she wrote an essay for a competition, explaining the importance of "virginal purity" and referring to herself as a "chastitute". Like many of her church friends, she planned to have sex with only one person in her life - her future husband.But when Shelley got to her mid 20s, she was yet to have her first relationship or even her first kiss. She began to rethink her earlier stance on sex."The idea of having a relationship that progressed at a pace that felt normal and where there was open communication from both sides - that felt a lot more real and genuine than a relationship where there's certain rules that someone else has put on you," she says.Shelley did some research, including listening to podcasts like BANG! and The Savage Lovecast. She also took a friend's advice to try masturbating."I was like 'I don't know if I'm doing it right?' ... and she said, 'Just trust me, you will know when you get there'... And once it did happened I was like, 'Oh yeah... that's definitely a thing'," she laughs.Shelley went on a few dates and had her first, awkward kiss - but soon after that began to feel a little stuck. This is when she reached out to talk with me for BANG!While the idea that there's a magic window of opportunity for losing your virginity is obviously nonsense, most people still have an idea of what they think is 'too young' or 'too old' for first-time sex. Shelley couldn't escape the feeling she'd missed her chance…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

A previous episode of BANG! left a few loose ends so Melody Thomas pulls together a panel for a discussion of tricky topics. This season's episode on masculinity left a few loose ends, so Melody Thomas pulls together a panel for a discussion of tricky topics including the MeToo movement, domestic violence and accountability. Guests include Bryan Crump from RNZ's Nights programme, Jon Brewerton of the Essentially Men Trust and Eleanor Butterworth, the respect and responsibility manager for NZ Rugby. Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Hurrah! BANG! returns for Season 3 on Monday March 4th.Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Live from the Bread and Circus Festival in Christchurch, Melody Thomas puts your sex and relationship questions to father-daughter sex advice duo Nic and Lena beets, plus Gemma Syme talks about coming out in her thirties, Tara from Peaches and Cream shares her better work stories and Audrey pops in with one of the best sex toy stories ever told.Live from the Bread and Circus Festival in Christchurch, Melody Thomas puts your sex and relationship questions to father-daughter sex advice duo Nic and Lena beets, plus Gemma Syme talks about coming out in her thirties, Tara from Peaches and Cream shares her better work stories and Audrey pops in with one of the best sex toy stories ever told.Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details