Ho-Ho-Hallmark Holiday Special A Christmas Wedding Tail (2011), A Christmas Melody (2015), and Christmas Mail (2010) “Don’t worry, I’m a city girl. This small town is not for me.” Welcome to our 2023 Holiday Special, in which your three Distinguished Professors move from the big city to a small town and find love in only the most formulaic of ways! We invite our podcast’s first special guest, Jackie, to experience this holiday Hallmark (and faux-Hallmark) hell with us. Topics covered include multiple false starts, the lack of conflict and deceit in the classic Hallmark movie, the general definition of a Hallmark movie, a quick mention of Santa’s Summer Home, the amazing whiteness of the couples involved and moments of casual racism, a defense of the dog voice-acting, a bit of research about MOMA and MOCA, bitchy antagonists, the foolishness of getting married over a major Christian holiday, desperately searching for a conflict and a dog love story (and dignity for the annoying musician pal) in ACWT, the weird platonic gal pal singer in ACM, death as the new divorce, the actual conflict and lack of cinematography in CM, a quick comparison of the auteur directorial work of Mariah Carey and William Shatner, the increasing diversity of these movies over time, the superior soundtrack of ACM, Lacey Chabert and some Party of Five talk, Folgers product placement, May-December shenanigans, a stolen joke about Peter North, comparison of CM and Elf, picks for next year’s Christmas Special, Mariah Carey’s weird-looking hands, some fine double entendre, CM as a bought-on-Wish version of a Hallmark movie, the role of wish fulfillment and predictability in these movies, trickery on behalf of supernatural or mundane forces, emotionally-scarring animal films, the definition of a groupie, manipulative children, Lacey Chabert’s odd resemblance to public groping enthusiast Lauren Boebert, the specter of dead parents, the grimmer specter of failure, reflection on what makes a good formulaic movie, the living hell of the looming threat of the ACWT family honeymoon, the 10/3 ratio, a standing invitation to Jay Mohr, and keeping it Hallmark.
“I cried throughout the entire thing. It made me want to be a better man.” We’re at the end of an era, folks. The Nicolas Cage season of Because You Watched Starcrash draws to a close with our obligatory holiday movie and a spectacular piece of metafiction. Your Distinguished Professors and salute the man of the hour. Topics discussed include our latest accompanying whiskey, yet another manifestation of the Magical Negro, movies that get dads to cry, Cash’s alignment is called into question, nostalgia for pre-9/11 airport security, the apparent intense bone-ability of Jack, the lack of clear thinking at the airport, Téa Leoni’s shower scene, the relative lack of crazy-Cage in FM, comparison with The Good Place (with light spoilers), Jack’s life is actually pretty good prior to the glimpse, speculation about the dimensional or time-travel issues involved with the glimpse, Cage’s bad Boston accent, Nicky’s outfit and hairstyle as a callback to Cage’s infamous 1990 talk show appearance, The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, some obligatory ribbing of M. Night Shyamalan, a nihilistic callback to Pig, speculation about drinking a beer underwater, parallel with Ex Machina, amazing Cage/ Pascal chemistry, Cage making out with Nicky, our three favorite movies, always trusting our shamanic instincts as thespians, the cruel end of the glimpse, the absurdity of being “trapped” in marriage to a Hollywood actress, parallels between FM and a Hallmark movie, a bleak interpretation of the end of FM, a quick PKD reference, being haunted by a lost alternate past, not one but TWO Nick Cage Queries, and our future date with Paddington 2.
Vampire’s Kiss (1988) “You’re in the goddamn crapper, Loew, and I’m trying to take a dump. So either shut up and leave the acting lessons for home or go back to the ladies’ room.” Is it a deft American Psycho-level satire, a taut supernatural or psychological thriller, or insane, ridiculous crap? That’s the question facing our Distinguished Professors as they discuss the 1988 Nicolas Cage meme-fest Vampire’s Kiss. Let’s see if they find an answer. Topics discussed include gratuitous displays of alphabet-yelling, Cage’s love for this movie and role, Loew as a Renfield, a plug for proper hydration, the mystery of the imaginary (?) psychiatrist, Renfield’s a bug-eating simp, a plan for the holiday special that we don’t follow, a digression into the literary origins of vampires, late-80s hair and fashion, musing on whether Cage’s antics fit this movie, the role of ambiguity here, parallels with Joker, Loew’s awful Philadelphian accent, weird camera shots, the fake dialogue with Jackie on the way back to Loew’s apartment, Loew’s gradual descent into madness and how this movie takes its time, Alva as the center of both the movie’s corporate satire and its cruelty, the ambiguity of the murder, weird comedic moments, a possible fourth wall break, the roach-eating scene, Nosferatu playing in the background, the violent mimes and veering into the territory of the art film, Loew’s façade of culture, vampire practice, “BOO HOO!”-ing, Cage’s physical acting, a cheap postcard to New York, Loew’s prior scumbag behavior, and the state of contemporary art in the 1980s. Plus, look: soup!
Willy's Wonderland (2021) - Because You Watched Starcrash
“I had a miserable time tonight because of you.” It’s our first Francis Ford Coppola joint on Because You Watched Starcrash! And Kathleen Turner! Oh, and some other guy who was once named Coppola is in it, too. Your Distinguished Professors watched an early entry in the Nicholas Cage-verse, Peggy Sue Got Married, and now you’re going to hear about it! Topic discussed include Madonna’s genitals, the right level of weird vs. Nicholas Cage-levels of weird, Charlie’s insane appearance at the class reunion, a brief comparison with Somewhere in Time, the transition point from the 50s to the 60s and yet another appearance of David Sirota’s Back to Our Future, the inevitable contrast with Back to the Future, Charlie’s lack of transformation or growth, a brief discussion of the Ordo Templi Orientis and the Oddfellows, John Carradine’s last movie, what we’d do if we could go back in time knowing what we know now, the appeal of the 1950s for white and middle- to upper-class folks, the fine soundtrack, more casual 1980s anti-Asian racism, Michael’s book’s dedication as the only evidence this isn’t a dream, the Cage vs. Turner libel lawsuit, Charlie’s near-murder of Peggy Sue, Charlie as the worst of the 1950s and the worst of the 1980s, lots of subtlety, a brief moment of praise for Sofia Coppola, the role of wish fulfillment here, Michael as the flawed critique of the 1950s, the deep mystery of the grandparents, Peggy Sue’s change of perception, Jim Carey as a force for sanity and normalcy in comparison, and a debate about whether this is a “movie” or a “film.” Follow us on Facebook! Because You Watched Starcrash Music credits: "Laser Groove" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
“This is a story whose chapters were carefully written.” In their ongoing exploration of the filmography of one Nicolas “Jor-El” Cage, the Distinguished Professors have watched the 2006 remake of The Wicker Man, which has 100% less depth and 1000% fewer boobs (don’t check my math) than the original. Topics covered include the intense dumbness of the conspiracy to trap our hero, the clunkiness of the dialogue, the universal dour evil of women in this movie universe, ACAB (All Cops Are Bumblers), the Safety Dance, misogyny and the awful addition of gender conflict to this movie, the “dark comedy” issue, multiple JJ Abrams references, the necessity for some people to get their stupid asses stung to death by bees, the uncertain origin of elbow patches, the cinematic creepiness of twins, Don Quixote references, the on-the-nose William Blake quote, the insistence on the omnipresence of misanthropy in a work of misogyny, Willow’s unclear motivation, a quick shout-out to Robert Evans and Behind the Bastards regarding Ellen Burstyn’s mistreatment on the set of The Exorcist, the intense pointlessness of watching the PG-13 cut of this movie, the Children of God and “flirty fishing,” and the final middle finger of dedicating this crap to Johnny Ramone. Follow us on Facebook! Because You Watched Starcrash Music credits: "Laser Groove" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Back to the Future(1985), Back to the Future Part II (1989), and Back to the Future Part III (1990) “What are you looking at, Butthead?” In an amazing finale, your time-traveling Distinguished Professors end their journey with the Back to the Future trilogy! Topics discussed include Back to the Future’s enduring excellence, the issues with the sequels, Part II’s surprisingly weak visual effects (other than the various duplicate actor shots), the Jaws jokes in Part II, Goldie Wilson and Chuck Berry as time-travel causality conundrums, Part I as the perfect script, yet another discussion of David Sirota’s Back to Our Future and the 1980s’ pop culture connection back to the 1950s, a weird quiz for Clink, the removal of Crispin Glover, runaway product placement, perceptions of time travel shown in the movies, dark theories regarding multiple dead Martys, a bit about how the DeLorean time travels, the badassery of James Tolkan, Mary Steenburgen as the eternal time traveling weirdo’s girlfriend, Pat Buttram’s brief appearance, Marty’s darling atomic cowboy outfit and an unexpected criticism of 1950s nostalgia for the Old West, Marty’s ancestor is boning his mom’s ancestor (?!), a shoutout to the Wizard and the Bruiser podcast and Marty’s “chicken” hubris, future Biff is disturbingly Trump-y, Flea’s cameo, Doc would fail Temporal Ethics at Starfleet Academy, our impending date with Howard the Duck, the weird choice of ZZ Top to be the soundtrack pop song anchor for Part III, the great Alan Silvestri score, a callback to Action Replayy, incest comes up yet again, the two tension-building clocks in Part I and the color-coded logs in Part III, the radically different landscape for Part III, our ideal retrofutures, a gold star for Marty for not murdering Mad Dog Tannen, and making like a tree and getting out of here. Follow us on Facebook! Because You Watched Starcrash Music credits: "Laser Groove" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
“And if anything happens to the rose plants in my absence, then I will send you to hell.” This week your Distinguished Professors take their first trip to Bollywood with the Back to the Future ripoff/ homage Action Replayy! Singing! Dancing! Subtitles! A super-hot mom! Topics discussed include even worse grammar for our opening, lowering. . . our voices, musical numbers and their diegetic role in Indian movies, weird credits, we’re always living in the past, time travel here is pretty much magic, plenty of misogyny, lots of blending of genres and tones, Supergirl with dance numbers, the A-list cast, Kundan is our Biff, the cuckolding of Kishen, a brief aside about Leto’s Joker’s suckiness, Bunty’s nerd shirts, Mala’s friend Mona and her weird pseudo-cougaring with Bunty, the video-ready first dance sequence, a Cyrano/ Roxannecomparison, Bunty gets the coveted “Good Job on Avoiding Incest” award, the ridiculous car chase scene, cheating is good (?), bribery is good (?), Bunty is bad at subterfuge, and a long digression into the concept of ostension. Follow us on Facebook! Because You Watched Starcrash Music credits: "Laser Groove" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
“Thou art to be hanged, and then burned over a basket of living cats.” Your Distinguished Witchhunting Professors cross wits with the insane occult time travel movie Warlock! And since no witch can cross no consecrated ground, they discuss the first of our magical time travel movies and a reference to Outlander, the dreaminess of Julian Sands, Lori Singer as the resident hot new wave girlfriend, comparisons with Hocus Pocus, the crazy fakelore of this movie, inconsistent rules regarding Zamiel and time travel, a Laverne and Shirley reference, a need for opening context, a riff on JJ Abrams (come on our show, coward!”), Richard E. Grant’s weird youngness, a quick preview of our exploration of Nicolaus Cage movies, this movie’s weird conservatism regarding who dies, the conundrum of a popular metaphysical comic book shop, Redferne’s made-up grammar and his weirdness even in 1691, a divergence into Brandon Call’s career, Jesus and the twelve apostrophes, lots of double negatives, Satan’s black hell-smeared farting hole, the problem of undoing all creation, the perils of old women makeup, Ron Paulsen’s distinct voice, the sequels and the comic book series, a variety of historical errors, a public service announcement that colors don’t have genders, the Warlock copycat murder, the weird romantic subplot, the omnipresent human drive to bury terrible evils, the stankiness of Redferne’s outfit, the hell of terrible lighting, and the coming Bollywood craziness of Action Replayy! Follow us on Facebook! Because You Watched Starcrash Music credits: "Laser Groove" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
“My mother was a rather atrocious woman in her way, but her many failings did not include raising mentally deficient sons.” Your intrepid Distinguished Professors unwittingly fall once again into the horrid clutches of Corey Feldman in 1979’s Time After Time, featuring a sexy and villainous David Warner and a decidedly less sexy role for ordinarily sexy and villainous Malcolm McDowell as highly unsexy author H. G. Wells. Topics discussed include a preview of this movie’s random homophobia, the worst kissing ever, the inherent ridiculousness of time machine designs, a plug for our upcoming Back to the Future episode, really bad time travel effects, the dumbness of putting a solar-powered time machine in the basement, Chekov’s “vaporizer equalizer” and pointlessly complicated time travel rules, dystopian 1970s San Francisco, echoes of Star Trek IV (because the director was a co-writer on said Trek movie), the unquenchable fire of Mary Steenburgen’s Amy’s loins regarding the H. G. D., whether one can “Chuck Berry” oneself by hearing about one’s future works, possible influence on Alan Moore’s From Hell, the need for a leaner cut, clocks and watches as the constant reminder that we’re watching a time travel movie, the recurrence of the idea of free love, Jack the Ripper as a man of the 20th century, the 2017 series of the same name, the need for more camera time with the Ripper on his own, Amy’s likely inability to survive in the past, the need for a Temporal Ethics 101 for most of the movies in this season, and a reminder of how much you matter, dear listener. .
“Big mistake, dude!” Your Distinguished Professors tackle a movie that temporarily killed a franchise and that isn’t X-Men 3! We suffered through the joyless simulation of a movie that is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, so now you have to listen to us chat about it! It’s only fair! Topics discussed include the confusing proliferation of TMNT media, a plug for The Toys That Made Us, Corey Feldman’s hacky voice acting, an interminable attempt to project our group dynamic onto the turtles, the bad targeting of the jokes for the adults, the degeneration of the turtle effects and Splinter’s loss of his lower torso, the time swap plot, interspecies turtle lust for April O’Neil, magical time travel finally makes its appearance, Leonardo’s Cyclops-like uselessness, endless attempts to try to figure out how racist this movie is, our intervention regarding Vanderpool’s habit of falling asleep in movies, the unresolved mystery of the drawings of the turtles from the past, a digression into kappa, the ubiquitous ‘80s desire to become a ninja, arguably the worst 90s villain falling death, and Clink’s insane double Michelangelo mask moment which dominates the podcast. Follow us on Facebook! Because You Watched Starcrash Music credits: "Laser Groove" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
“Beeee-dee beedee – what a fox!” In this memorial episode, the Distinguished Professors pay homage to TV bombshell Markie Post, another of the honored fallen of 2021, by watching a two-part episode of the disco sci-fi epic Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, “The Plot to Kill a City”! Topics covered include a lot of initial free product placement, a justification of Buck Rogers as a time travel story, the hot spandex-clad ladies of the 25th century, a rundown of the special guest stars, a brief review of the career of Markie Post, yet another appearance of the lovely Robert Tessier, Frank Gorshin’s role as Grandma Moff Tarkin, the weird case of Dr. Theopolis, Buck Rogers as a precursor to Steve Rogers, multiple future discos, some notes on Tessier’s physical performance, gender stereotypes of the 25th century, the murkiness of the League of Death’s motivations and their city-killing plot, a parallel with A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court, Buck’s terrible future toilet wine, Joella’s weirdly indeterminate role as an implied space hooker, the pointlessness of the villainous empath, a comparison with classic Battlestar Galactica and the lack of desire to take science fiction seriously on TV in the 1980s. Follow us on Facebook! Because You Watched Starcrash Music credits: "Laser Groove" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
“Christ! I’m getting tired of this guy!” This week your Distinguished Professors continue their run through time travel cinema with 1993’s Mark Hamill vehicle Time Runner! Topics discussed include the alternate title, its setting in 2022 (the future is now!!!!), why you just can’t trust a guy named Neila, ripping off both The Terminator and Star Wars, how the demand for knock-off movies was vital back in the video store ecosystem, dramatic reveals, the intense Canadian-ness of Karen Donaldson, wormhole time travel, the distinctive look of Brion James, the mystery of the disappearance of adult Raynor, Arnie’s killing spree, a fine connection to classic X-Files episode “Humbug,” why you don’t just reach into a crashed alien draft without wearing gloves, overbearing soundtracks, connections back to Yoyodyne (and Berres gets the title of The Crying of Lot 49 wrong), some musings about the mystery of being ordered to copulate with one’s self, the inexplicability of the aliens’ plot and motives, trying to identify Raynor’s generation, generic political speech of the 90s, a plug for Soylent Green, a rundown of Star Wars comparisons, pointless jump scares, randomly killing soldiers apparently doesn’t mess with the timeline, the cliché of the villain’s swivel chair reveal (with bonus steepled fingers!), and the promise of 70s ladies in sexy futurewear next time!
“Time travel. It’ll turn your brain into spaghetti if you let it. Best not to think about it.” This week your Distinguished Professors grab some pints and go full-on Imagineer with the British science fiction comedy epic Frequently Asked Questions about Time Travel! So let’s all call Hollywood sh*t and talk about Clink’s Carson routine, Berres’s inability to remember that Bonnie Tyler wrote “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” a comparison with Joker regarding the eternal horror of being a fired mascot, musings about how you actually create a good movie, Vanderpool’s film career, the conundrum of doing a good nerd movie, comparisons with Simon Pegg and the unfortunate death of Gareth Carrivick, the smallness of the film as a benefit, time-traveling hookers, the Back to the Future reference, re-watching potential, Outlander comparison and a warning about screwing up the future like Claire, Toby’s MacGuffin idea, multiple references to other time-travel movies, a comparison with the ending of The Handmaid’s Tale and the fun of parodies of fan culture, Millie’s outfit, the awesomeness of Michael Des Barres, Millie as Victor the Cleaner, poor Jennifer in Back to the Future, a defense of Scott Pilgrim, a discussion of the merits of Old Elvis and the Beatles, the Rutger Hauer effect, musings on Tom Hanks and Tom Cruise, the rejection of thought, the deep coolness of Venus Flytrap, a last minute comparison with Somewhere in Time, and our rejection of the past. Follow us on Facebook! Because You Watched Starcrash Music credits: "Laser Groove" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
“Dry hair’s for squids.” This week the Distinguished Professors dive deeply into the work of auteur Charles Band with the time travel adventure of future-noir tough guy Jack Deth in 1984’s Trancers! Topics covered include forbidden early forays into porn-watching, connections to Quantum Leap, the five sequels to this movie, the recent loss of Peter Scolari, doing battle with Santa, the burned-out cop as a cinematic archetype, questions about the origin of Skid Row, Leena becomes self-aware and the hotness of new wave girlfriend Helen Hunt, a credit to music podcast No Dogs in Space in regards to punks as the folk monsters of the 1980s, a comparison with Galaxy Lords, the craziness of Hap Ashby, the futility of Whistler’s plot, weak action choreography and a digression into Chuck Norris’s career, the Q gadget-introduction scene, and another shoutout to Ma Clink. Follow us on Facebook! Because You Watched Starcrash Music credits: "Laser Groove" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
“Then there were days, good days, when by anyone’s judgment they would have to be considered clever.” The Distinguished Professors get serious with their time travel with 2004’s Primer, an intense independent cinematic experience involving 20-something engineers in suburban Texas entering and leaving a storage facility at various times. Topics discussed include the $7000 budget, dilation, the lack of Steven Johnson’s “red flashing arrows,” what makes an art house or indie movie “good,” the 40-year-old expiration date for engineers(?!), Power Rangers’ repackaging of old episodes as a time travel season, bottle episodes, the advantages and drawbacks of naturalistic sound in a movie, the deliberate mysteriousness of Granger, the problem of the murkiness of the initial project, Abe is the smart and careful time-traveler, Shane Carruth’s control over the movie as writer/ director/ composer, the failsafe machine, the shocking arrivals of violence at various points, our admissions that we cheated in watching review videos, realistic limits on meeting your past self, contrast with the time travel in Avengers: Endgame, the indeterminate punched-ness of Joseph Platts and speculation about when Aaron goes bad, more speculation about when they discover that changes can occur, Abe once more wins Clink’s seal of time traveler approval, more defecation on Whedon and the role of ego in directors, kit-bashed time machines, saying hello to Ma Clink, and plans for the future. Follow us on Facebook! Because You Watched Starcrash Music credits: "Laser Groove" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
“Well, double-dumbass on you!” The Distinguished Professors travel at warp speed into their time travel adventures with an impromptu episode right after a theater showing of Star Trek IV! Topics discussed include Clink’s review of basic time travel theory, Trek time travel’s creation of alternate universes, the replacement Lt. Saavik, attempts to resolve whether Liz Taylor was ever in a Star Trek episode, a brief Warhammer 40k digression, why you shouldn’t think too hard about this movie, multiple levels of Bloom’s taxonomy in Spock’s re-education, this movie as the beginning of modern character-driven sci fi, “the even-numbered movies are the good ones” maxim, Kirk’s genius, pacing differences between the 80s and the present, nobody got time for the Prime Directive, “colorful metaphors,” the Vulcan nerve pinch, cursing in Trek, the post-scarcity economy, why you don’t warp in an atmosphere or build the Enterprise on Earth, thinking too much about JJ Abrams, another failure to give Nichelle Nichols enough to do, placing Catherine Hicks, Kirk’s true love, a Quantum Leap digression, a Michael Berryman story, Trek movies inspired by success of Star Wars (just like Star Crash!), nerd-dom requires dedication, Trek books inspired Star Wars, and our plans for the season (and fun home game - keep track of how many movies we talk about that we don’t do in the season!). Follow us on Facebook! Because You Watched Starcrash Music credits: "Laser Groove" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
“He says, ‘In America, everyone is a gynecologist.’” You’ve been waiting. You’ve been wanting. And now we’re going to give it to you. Distinguished Professors. Verhoeven. Showgirls. Topics covered include Berres’s first bad movie ka-tet (hat tip to Dave and Jessica), the pointlessness of the VH-1 TV version, the not-so-hidden misogyny of Joe Eszterhas, the good parts (which actually do exist), a disastrous lack of clear direction, the campy awareness of Cristal Conners, attempts to make Nomi a round character, parallel with A Knight’s Tale, our inability to connect with Nomi, the worst dance scene ever, the constant reminders that Nomi can dance, the amazing soundtrack, the mismatch of Nomi’s naivety and her tough backstory, the fatal error of including the rape scene, the shittiness of Andrew Carver, the iconic arm move, Verhoeven hates your boner, anti-Asian racism, Verhoeven’s possible dumbness, Nomi’s nails and getting a little old for that whore-y look, the centrality of lies and truth to our plot, Penny in the sequel, the huge list of people who turned down the roles of Nomi and Cristal, the sadness of James’s life, Ver-sayce, the worst sex scene, why you don’t lick the pole at a strip club, how you determine the Christmas movie status of a movie, the weirdness of the initial Pollyanna comparison, manic without the pixie dream girl, killing the allure of boobs and the film’s anti-sex message, the hyperbolic media coverage of a topless dance revue, violations of HIPAA, Nomi as a life-wrecking idiot, and our plans for the next season.
“Oh, Wiploc, I think I’ll miss you least of all.” On this outing your Distinguished Professors crash land in the backyard swimming pool of 1988’s Earth Girls are Easy! Topics discussed include a rival Dr. Love, the omnipresence of this movie on Comedy Central back in the day, this podcast as a social contract, the failure to launch Julie Brown’s career, the strange hotness of Geena Davis and Jeff Goldblum, Clink’s realization that he’s the only one of us without a side podcast, a failure comparison with our old enemy Supergirl, the need for either more dancing or more plot, Valerie’s super-easy job, this movie’s general observance of the prime directive, the ol’ “aliens learning about life through TV” motif, the dumbness of trying to test a mirage by swimming through it, OMG Zeebo is black! and the anti-miscegenation message of this pro-miscegenation movie, “You’re tearing me apart!” before The Room, a faint connection to sitcom Head of the Class, the failure of the love triangle, and the demise of human interaction due to the internet.
“I think you know what I’m getting at, Mr. President. We’re gonna kill us a mummy.” In this thrilling installment of Because You Watched Starcrash, your Distinguished Professors wade ass-deep into danger with 2003’s Bubba Ho-tep! Topics discussed include Soul Man, the director’s writing credit on The Beastmaster, this movie’s intense absurdity, parallels with Unforgiven and Logan in fears about losing usefulness in old age, the awesomeness of Joe R. Lansdale, defining words at the beginning like Pulp Fiction, this movie as a mock epic, Bruce Campbell as a cult actor, the role of Kemosabe in getting us to question the literal authenticity of Jack and Elvis, “Haff’s” self-parodying performance as Elvis, referring to Elvis movies without actually showing Elvis movies, our vaccination status, trying to place where we’ve seen the various bit-part players, parallels with Don Quixote and The Rape of the Lock, uses of humor that are effective but not necessarily funny, Elvis’s psychic powers, the plot convenience of Jack, smoking around hazardous materials, a bit of folklore trivia about latrinalia, our producer shares some useful trivia about scarabs, and the burden of thinking with sand.