Bible Stories for Atheists

The kingdom of Israel splits into two separate nations after the death of King Solomon. His son Rehoboam ascends to the throne and when the people ask him to not be a dick like his dad. But his friends goad him into doubling down on his dickishness. He should have listened to Nancy Reagan and just said no to peer pressure!So Jeroboam comes back from Egypt to take control of the northern kingdom of Israel while Rehoboam maintains control of the southern kingdom of Judah (oh yeah, and Benjamin).And Jeroboam decides to make some golden calves. Why would he do that? Didn't he know golden calves are bad? Does he not read his scriptures? Or is there something else going on here? Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Is that like a medical condition? Are you giving off avian pheromones or something? You should get that checked out.Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheistsYouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists Donate - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bsfa

Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheistsYouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists Donate - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bsfa

David FINALLY kicks the bucket, but before he does, the good, upright King David, who loved and obeyed God unlike any other king, gives his son a kill list. And boy does Solomon tick off those boxes with gusto.It's a bloody start to the peaceful reign of Solomon. Solomon who had to be the one to build the temple because of all the bloodshed by his father. Weird... God grants Solomon a wish and Solomon asks for wisdom and immediately regrets not wishing for more wishes. Solomon is then so wise that he starts handling parental custody disputes. But is he actually wise or is he insane?"Jesus is a biscuit. Let him sop you up." - Latrice RoyaleSupport the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheistsYouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists Donate - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bsfa

“Was the Gospel of John Changed to Suppress Mary Magdalene?” by ReligionForBreakfast – https://youtu.be/rfy6oiB_U-ACrucifying Tony Stark – https://youtu.be/V9_AeLmuRKc?t=120Turns out Jesus wants us to #TaxTheRich! At least that’s what he tells some Pharisee’s who try to trap him by asking one question and giving up.Also, Jesus is asked important questions such as if a woman clearly kills 7 brothers, all of whom she married, which one will she be married to at the resurrection.Resurrection? As in when we die we don’t actually go to heaven? Wtf? Did Jesus say that we don’t go to heaven?Jesus brings down the vibe by reminding everyone that the temple is going to be destroyed. But he seems to get it confused with the end times.We finally discuss the story of Lazarus, the real one, the one that ACTUALLY gets resurrected. And we dig into the confusion around was Mary and Martha there or just Mary?There’s a cinematic version of jewish leaders plotting to kill Jesus. And we circle back to the Palm Sunday to actually explain where the palm trees come from.Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheistsYouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists Donate - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bsfa

We kick off 1 Kings by only talking about the first chapter. We've heard the Chronicles' version of Solomon becoming king but now we'll learn the King's version which is very different.The Succession drama is real as David gets sickly and curls up with a pretty young virgin. His oldest son for some reason thinks he's going to be the next king and tries to gather support by throwing a feast. Meanwhile, Solomon's mom convinces David to make Solomon king.And we hear from some Christian pastors on what these ancient government documents mean to your personal life choices today.Hope you enjoyed your VD!Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheistsYouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists Donate - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bsfa

Oh boy! Is this a great episode if you love vague quantities of precious metals and stones. And the names! Oh the names of it all!We're blowing through the ingredients for a temple and plowing right into Solomon skipping the line to be king and David dying. All completely without incident. At least according to the book of Chronicles.Oh yeah! And the bible talks about aliens! We're pretty sure an ET cult has to exist because of this verse.Sorry, I feel like I just keep talking about me. How are you doing?Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheistsYouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists Donate - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bsfa

We dig elbow deep into a steaming pile of contradictions, curiosities, and constipated commentary. The unerring bible seems to glitch out on us. The all knowing, all powerful author had an apparent brain fart.2 Samuel 24 and 1 Chronicles 21 tell the same story but with some pretty significant differences. Like for example, if the bible is in fact perfect, we are left with the only obvious conclusion that God and Satan are the same person. I mean, we never do see them in the same place at the same time. And if God just took off His glasses He sure would look a lot like Satan. Also, He would be beautiful and Zack would definitely win the bet with his friends when he takes God to prom. And we get into the stuff Christian authorities make up to explain it away. So that's a hoot. Anyone else notice how Xmas just comes way too early in the winter? It's supposed to be the high point but lately it's before we even get our first snow (thanks global warming!). And then it's over and we get dumped on and there's nothing to look forward to for like 3 months! I say we move Xmas to March. So when you're freezing your Marys' and Josephs' off through January and February you have Xmas in March to look forward to. God's perfect plan, my ass!Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheistsYouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists Donate - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bsfa

Fresh off overthrowing his son fresh off overthrowing him, David deals with a dick dividing his domain to dogshit. - Sheba gets the northern kingdom to split from David, but of course that doesn't last long.- David incredibly has a need to kill even more descendants of Saul. - MOAR GIANTS!!1!- And some politically charged poetryHearts and kisses, my dear. Hearts. And kisses.Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheistsYouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists Donate - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bsfa

Happy holidays all you war on CHRISTmas warriors! We're kicking back and watching  that time honored 2017 classic Christmas movie, The Case for Christ. Based on the book of the same name, this follows former "journalist" Lee Strobel as he proves that the path to Christianity is paved with stupid questions.Oh yes, it makes complete sense when you set out on a quest to disprove Christianity to only focus on one part of the claim.  Ignore the Old Testament. Ignore the inconsistent theology. Yes. That's how good of a reporter he is.Anyway, my mom, Jill, joins us and we had a lot of fun recording this. Hope you all are doing well and having a good time over the holidays! Yo Saturnalia! Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheistsYouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists Donate - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bsfa

We continue our series on Acts starting with a story about a Sorcerer named Simon. A guy named Philip meets an unnamed Ethiopian eunuch who is really into a prophesy that Philip completely gets wrong. Also it turns out Christians can teleport.We have a real Saul on the road to Damascus moment, when we talk about Saul on the road to Damascus.We talk about the most important woman to never get any attention in bible.And Herod dies at the end in a really crazy way.Sorry, just kinda throwing this summary together this week.Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheistsYouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists Donate - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bsfa

We kick off our series on the book of Acts and start with yet another telling of the ascension of Jesus. Slightly different from Luke but very different from the other gospels.Judas gets replaced.The Holy Spirit comes on everyone at the Pentecost! Lapping up their loins with tongues of fire.And the early church starts getting persecuted simply for yelling at everyone that they killed Jesus.Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheistsYouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists Donate - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bsfa

David's been kicked out of his kingdom by his son and returns to the wilderness. Luckily his son seems to have really bad advisors.We get some crazy propaganda. As always.And the feud between David and his son is resolved. David definitely had nothing to do with it.This is our last episode for about a month and a half and I'm just ready to be done with this episode description. But Happy Thanksgiving! Unless you're Native American, then we're sorry. And Yo Saturnalia! Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheistsYouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists Donate - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bsfa

Ugh uhhh ugh. Ughg ghgggh uggghhh ughg guhg. Ugh ghhhgh ugh God ughg. Ugh ugh ghgugh ugh bible bullshit.Ughg ugh uhghghg ghg ugh. Ugh gugh ugh David. Ugh ugh ghgugh fucked up rich kids.Ughghghg ugh ghughg ugh runs like a wuss. Ugh gghgu ugh gugh incest rape. Ugh ghgh uguhg the speaker of the national house of representatives gets his moral guidance from this book.Ugh. Just fucking ugh.Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheistsYouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists Donate - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bsfa

Welp, talk about a roller coaster. We start with David getting God's promise to have a descendant on the throne forever (fingers likely crossed), to adultery, murder and divine infanticide. But dudes in dresses reading children's books, that's the problem?It's the story of Bathsheba. And by the story of Bathsheba, I mean she was present for some events that David was pretty much doing. Finally, we discover, yet again, that the God of the bible has no problem with abortion. Queue up the Leonard Cohen, and sink your ear teeth into our podcast cake.Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheistsYouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists Donate - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bsfa

Like with all the other enemies of David, things really fall apart for Saul's son, Ishbaal.  I won't spoil anything but he dies and David becomes king of the entire land of Israel and Judah.  We start really getting into 1 Chronicles and talk about where the book came from and the differences with the books of Samuel and Kings.We find out that David really can't stand the blind and lame. Therefore, he wants his people to attack the Jebusites by climbing up a well. That's the kind of reasoning the bible contains.David gets jiggy wit it big Willie style. Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheistsYouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists Donate - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bsfa

We kick off 2 Samuel with David "mourning" for his dead "friends" that he "didn't have killed". And actually immediately we start with a completely different version of how Saul died. Which kicks off the bullshit parade of David being absolutely perfect and having no malice for his enemies who just happen to keep dropping dead as soon as he leaves the room.It turns out Saul had another son who didn't die on the battle field, named Ishbaal. We start seeing Ishbaal wasn't really the fighting type, at least as far as the writer wants us to think. But while David is crowned king of the southern kingdom of Judah, Ishbaal is crowned king of the the northern kingdom of Israel.But it doesn't take long for Abner, Saul's commander, to turn on Ishbaal. Which works out great for him. Also, David demands to have his first wife, Ishbaal's sister, returned to his possession and she is, much to her current husband's lament. Toodles!Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheistsYouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists Donate - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bsfa

Between Linz having a migraine and our self isolating due to a COVID exposure, this episode was doomed to be amazing. This is the third installment of our 4 part series on the Book of Acts and it starts with a freakin' wizard! A wizard named Bar-wait for it-Jesus! In the middle of cursing the wizard, Saul changes his name to Paul and will never be called by his dead name again.We find out Jesus' preferred penises. There's some trouble in paradise when Mark (last name Ono, we're guessing) drives a wedge between Barnabas (who I guess is John Lennon in this analogy) and Paul (guess which Beatle he is). Next thing you know, their little band breaks up. Paul contends with the UNKNOWN GOD. He literally kills a guy with boredom. And then decides he's going back to Jerusalem.It's a high energy, high octane, high on Jesus episode!Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheistsYouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists Donate - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bsfa

We're taking a break from the bible to learn a little about some ancient superstitions. Well, OTHER ancient superstitions.Have you ever had a baby give you menacing grimace? Has an ex-lover given you a chilling side-eye? Have you ever been some where in public and possibly had someone look at you even without your knowledge? THEN YOU MAY BE CURSED! But don't worry. I have a charm to sell you that can take it away. It's called a Hamsa Hand and it blocks the Evil Eye.This superstition soaked into the Jewish, Christian, Islam, Hindu and pagan religious beliefs. Where did it come from and why is everyone so scared of it? No really, I'm asking. Because we don't know.Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheistsYouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists Donate - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bsfa

We wrap up the book of 1 Samuel and even though Samuel has been dead for a while he's not going to let that stop him from showing up in his own book.David's town gets raided but luckily the raiders are much better people than David is. They leave all the women and children alive when they take them. Then David shows up to take them back and kills all of their people. But at least he's not a dick to the folks watching the purses while they're gone!And Saul comes to a tragic end in battle. Weirdly he dies in battle with the people David has been hanging out with for a while. Hmmm...Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheistsYouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists Donate - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bsfa

David goes on the run from Saul! Ducking his attempts to capture him and living life as a fugitive. Just like that Harrison Ford movie. What was it called? Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull?Good thing for Saul, when David gets a chance to kill him he chooses not to. And Saul sees the errors of his ways, forgiving David for the wrong doing he didn't do and let's him go. Good thing for Saul, when David gets a chance to kill him he chooses not to. And Saul sees the errors of his ways, forgiving David for the wrong doing he didn't do and let's him go. See how annoying it is when stories repeat?Also, Samuel dies. Like the guy who the book is named after. But let's not dwell on that.And Lindsay insists that women are not fruit. Josh is dubious. Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - https://www.reddit.com/r/bibleatheistsYouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists Donate - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bsfa