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Bible Stories for Atheists

Author: Bible Stories for Atheists

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Your guides to the miraculously macabre stories literaly literarily littering the bible.
46 Episodes
We all remember the songs about Joshua and the Battle of Jericho and the cartoons and the children's books. All those glorious money-making forms of "art" that taught children valuable lessons about walking in circles around a city and not shouting until God says it's ok, while ignoring that the story was about divinely mandated genocide. Let's play a drinking game. Every time God says kill kids, you drink. (Don't really do this. I'm not legally responsible for your alcohol poisoning.)Joshua proves himself to be a brilliant, strong leader, undeterred by minor setbacks like when 0.01% of his fighting force is killed at AI. You're in for a heap of a good time with this episode. Such a big heap. A great heap! A giant heap of bible is coming at ya.Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
I'll be honest. This episode is about crossing a river. We cover 5 chapters of the bible, and at the beginning of it some people are on one side of a river, and at the end those people are on the other side of the river. If you're into rivers, this episode is for you. If you loved River Phoenix in the 1992 cinema masterpiece "Sneakers" then this episode is for you. If you loved the 1992 cinema masterpiece "A River Runs Through It" this episode is NOT for you. That movie was about going down a river in a boat. This episode is about crossing a river. Very different. But if you loved 1992 because of all the river movies that came out that year then this episode is for you.Also we're talking about Joshua. Not the world famous atheist podcast host. No. This is the original Joshua. The one who crosses the river. Podcast Josh has probably crossed rivers at times, but no one put that in the bible. No one stacked stones for podcast Josh. No one cut off the ends of their penises when podcast Josh asked them to. But also no one stole his shoes. So I hope that has successfully informed you on the content of this episode. It is now 12:11am the night before this episode comes out. I spent about 6 hours editing today and the episode was already pretty much done when I had started. I don't know what happened. No, I do know what happened. Linz went out of town for the weekend and no one was here to tell me, "You need to see sunlight or you'll grow mushrooms on your skin, podcast Josh!" Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
Jonah - What an Ashole!

Jonah - What an Ashole!


We finally cover the story of the little wooden prophet who wanted to be a real boy so bad he ended up in the belly of a whale. Ok, so he wasn't wooden, didn't want to be a real boy, and it was a fish and not a whale. But still! Hear the iconic tale of Jonah being swallowed for a fi... oh it's over? Just like that, it's just done? Well how are we going to sell children's books based on this? Children and their parents aren't going to read the original story so we can make up stuff to fill space? Awesome. Christian capitalism in action!It's a super short story so there's not much else to say about it. Also, I would totally jerk off a dolphin for humanity to have clean energy. Just going on the record now.Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
The Book of Josh

The Book of Josh


We dive deep into Josh. Or at least Josh's past. How he went from devout Christian to a raging atheist. Was it because of all the Carmen, dc talk, and POD he listened to growing up? Was it because he learned about creationism from Canned Hamm? Was it because he went to a Christian university that didn't allow dancing? Nope. Ultimately it's God's fault.Big thank you to a couple listeners for sharing their stories about waking up and dropping belief in the Jehovah's Witnesses! Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
Esther - Haman Pockets

Esther - Haman Pockets


We take on the 2nd and last book named for a woman. Will she be a feminist icon? No. I'll just let you know that now. But she will make a few decisions for herself. So yay for progress.Have you ever wondered, "What's up with the Jewish holiday of Purim?" I know you have. I heard you whispering about it into your pillow at night. "Where did Purim come from?" you asked into what you thought was the empty darkness of your bedroom. Quieter than silence, your quivering voice asks, "Why are they called Haman's ears?" I heard you. I always hear you.And you're in luck! Because this is it.Hope you enjoy the show! See you soon... ...sooner than you might even know... ...sleep tight...Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
Dognapping a Fuckuski

Dognapping a Fuckuski


Happy New Year all you sinners and sodomites! We're having ourselves a laid back episode where we go down a Wikipedia rabbit hole on Yzidism, a religion where one of the central figures is a Peacock Angel.And we talk about a great post a listener left on our subreddit. Pardon the goddamn husky belonging to our neighbor barking in the background practically the entire time. And our cat, Frodo, jumping in with his own meowing. I guess animals aren't our target demographic. Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
This week we blow through Ruth, one of the shorter books of the bible, in a single episode. We find out about Naomi,  whose sons break religious law by marrying Moabite women, not that anyone mentions that. But when her husband and sons die in seemingly unrelated events, Naomi and her daughter-in-law, Ruth, return to Judah.Naomi and Ruth work on getting Ruth married off to one of Naomi's rich cousins because in this Christian "feminism" tale, you can't be a woman of value without a rich husband.Oi, Saturnalia everyone! Have a great holiday!Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
You know that feeling when you're talking with 3 of your friends in poetic verse for a few days and then you find out there was another guy there the entire time? Job does. This young guy, Elihu, apparently has been there this entire time and is pissed off at everybody. He goes on a rant and then disappears into the background again. Almost as if he was just an afterthought by the writer.Then God finally addresses Job's complaints about killing his family, servants, and livestock by pointing out how much more powerful he is than Job. Thereby making killing everyone okay... I guess. You know how powerful God is? Chapter 41 is dedicated to God making Godzilla (aka Leviathan). That's how powerful God is. So how could God do anything wrong? Let's put this weird book to bed and move on with our lives!Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
We kick off a two part series on the Book of Job. That weird book people LOVE to talk about but no one reads...I guess that's not specific enough. That weird book where god suddenly unleashes unending cruelty on someone for no reason...I guess that's not specific enough. It's the one where god makes a bet with Satan that he has Job gaslit enough that if he completely ruined Job's life Job would still worship him. But remember, God is Love.The book is almost completely written in poetry and the majority of it is about Job debating with is friends whether or not he deserves all this anguish. So that's fun!I had to read it so you have to listen to it, damn it! We'll get through this together. Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
We set the "good" book aside for the week and pull up some "meh" videos on modern Christianity. We react to way out of the logical box thinking on religion.Meet Tim Mackie, one of the founders of Bible Project. Tim has some interesting ideas on the nature of God's space and Earth's space. And how they overlaPAH. Unfortunately we never are told the reason for Space's space. And we jump on the shitposting bandwagon of Girl Defined. These Texas twerps for Jesus tell girls having sexual urges that they need to suppress that shit with a run and a prayer. They can't just do what God obviously built us to do and masturbate. Let's encourage someone to not feel shame by opening up to others about something while telling them what they're doing is wrong despite having no healthy control over it and giving them no practical advice besides "Suck it up, buttercup!" Because that's what Jesus would do.OverlaPAH... overlaPAH... overlaPAH... Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
We wrap up our 4 part series on the book of Acts and hear all about Paul's retirement in Rome. But that's skipping ahead.First off, the unchanging, infallible Holy Spirit kicks off this episode by changing their mind on Paul going to Jerusalem. But don't worry, Paul ignores it and there is no consequences.Paul has to prove his Judaism to the Christians. If that sounds like it doesn't make any sense, you're right. But in doing so he ends up getting arrested for being harassed. I bet he got t-shirts made, "Paul Lives Matter".He bounces around authority figures judging him and not finding anything wrong that he did, yet still keeping him imprisoned. Until Jesus tells him he needs to go to Rome and appeal to Caesar himself.So Paul goes to Rome where he... wait for it... never actually sees Caesar. He just lives under house arrest for the rest of his life. I think the writer just kinda gave up on plot at this point.Thanks for listening, and thanks for reading these stupid notes!Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
Between Linz having a migraine and our self isolating due to a COVID exposure, this episode was doomed to be amazing. This is the third installment of our 4 part series on the Book of Acts and it starts with a freakin' wizard! A wizard named Bar-wait for it-Jesus! In the middle of cursing the wizard, Saul changes his name to Paul and will never be called by his dead name again.We find out Jesus' preferred penises. There's some trouble in paradise when Mark (last name Ono, we're guessing) drives a wedge between Barnabas (who I guess is John Lennon in this analogy) and Paul (guess which Beatle he is). Next thing you know, their little band breaks up. Paul contends with the UNKNOWN GOD. He literally kills a guy with boredom. And then decides he's going back to Jerusalem.It's a high energy, high octane, high on Jesus episode!PS - We recorded this before we recorded episode 32, hence episode 32 getting posted before episode 31. Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
Lilac in the Briar Patch

Lilac in the Briar Patch


We’re taking a short break from our series on the book of Acts this week to talk with Lilac, a teenager who was kicked out of her home because of religious issues with her Jehovah’s Witness family.The first part of the episode, I’ll explain to Linz how I found out what was going on with Lilac and get Linz’s reaction.And in the second part we have a call with Lilac.If you’re interested in helping out Lilac, here is her Go Fund Me link. her artist insta is you’ve been kicked out of your home and need help you can call 1-800-Runaway or go to for resources.Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
Acts Pt. 2 – Holy Sheet

Acts Pt. 2 – Holy Sheet


We continue our series on Acts starting with a story about a Sorcerer named Simon. A guy named Philip meets an unnamed Ethiopian eunuch who is really into a prophesy that Philip completely gets wrong. Also it turns out Christians can teleport.We have a real Saul on the road to Damascus moment, when we talk about Saul on the road to Damascus.We talk about the most important woman to never get any attention in bible.And Herod dies at the end in a really crazy way.Sorry, just kinda throwing this summary together this week.Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
We kick off our series on the book of Acts and start with yet another telling of the ascension of Jesus. Slightly different from Luke but very different from the other gospels.Judas gets replaced.The Holy Spirit comes on everyone at the Pentecost! Lapping up their loins with tongues of fire.And the early church starts getting persecuted simply for yelling at everyone that they killed Jesus.Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
We wrap up our 18 part series on Jesus and the gospels with his bouncy ball burial. You just can’t keep this dude down.While there’s some discrepancies among the gospels on the burial, that’s nothing compared to the resurrection. None of them can agree wtf happened. How many angels were there? Were they men or boys? Were there solders there? Did the women run off and not tell anyone what happened?It’s a big mess, but we’ll lay it all out in our (finally) last episode of the gospels.Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
This is it folks. The crucifixion. The grand climax. Where God’s Holy Spirit comes on all of us. But first we find out what happened to Judas, who realized what a Judas he had been to Jesus. But of course, no one can say for sure what happened to him. Jesus is put on trial before Pontius Pilate who oddly comes across as a pretty decent dude. Too decent, mayhaps. And Jewish people seem to be suspiciously too eager to have Jesus killed and save ANOTHER JESUS!And finally we discussion the crucifixion and death of Jesus. Including the rarely discussed zombie apocalypse that one of the gospels tells us happened when Jesus rose from the dead.This is our first episode following the overturning of Roe. Linz shares her feelings on it. And we bring our grievances on the state of Christianity to God.Love and kisses. Enjoy the episode.Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
We start off by asking the ultimate question… What are the nuts in your life? But then we start talking about Jesus.Jesus goes to the garden of Gethsemane where he keeps praying and his disciples keep falling asleep. Even when an angel shows up and scares Jesus so bad he starts sweating blood.Judas does what he does best and betrays Jesus. He comes up with a suspiciously specific signal to point Jesus out to the crowd.His arrest is a pretty straightforward story of a guy getting his ear cut off and a young man running away naked.Jesus gets questioned by the Sanhedrin and the High Priest while Peter trying to deny Jesus three times as fast as he can to beat the rooster crowing.And we have a little look back on our first year! Thank you to everyone who listens and supports the show!Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
Jesus is about to have his last supper and he uses his apparently psychic abilities to tell the disciples how to get it set up.Then Jesus strips down and washes his disciples’ feet. I don’t know why he had to get naked for it, but there you go. Unless he’s not naked. Unless there is an opposite to “outer” clothing that we can’t think of.Linz finds out that Judas was the treasurer of the disciples and we realize that they’re just Jesus’ board of directors and he’s the executive director of their non-profit. And nothing has changed in churches since.We cover the first communion. Officially kicking off the new blood cult.Then we go down the rabbit hole of John chapters 14-17. We sum it up quickly, reading this monotonous droning so you don’t have to.Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
“Was the Gospel of John Changed to Suppress Mary Magdalene?” by ReligionForBreakfast – Tony Stark – out Jesus wants us to #TaxTheRich! At least that’s what he tells some Pharisee’s who try to trap him by asking one question and giving up.Also, Jesus is asked important questions such as if a woman clearly kills 7 brothers, all of whom she married, which one will she be married to at the resurrection.Resurrection? As in when we die we don’t actually go to heaven? Wtf? Did Jesus say that we don’t go to heaven?Jesus brings down the vibe by reminding everyone that the temple is going to be destroyed. But he seems to get it confused with the end times.We finally discuss the story of Lazarus, the real one, the one that ACTUALLY gets resurrected. And we dig into the confusion around was Mary and Martha there or just Mary?There’s a cinematic version of jewish leaders plotting to kill Jesus. And we circle back to the Palm Sunday to actually explain where the palm trees come from.Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
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