COMA radio

Please visit the new COMA radio [clone] site at: http://comacopied.podomatic.com/ Since I've pretty much run out of storage space here, I created the new site which is updated much more frequently. It can be found and downloaded in iTunes as well.

Thomas Newman - Any Other Name 4.9.09 : M If you were still here. Walking within the vicinity of my ribcage. Today would have been a warm beautiful day. Today we'd have talked about horses always having an appetite. Easter-themed smiley cookies. And how inspiring it must have been when my grandfather drove cross-country from California to Pennsylvania with a parrot named Petey keeping him company the entire way. I miss your comfortable company. 4.9.09 : M It's a sharp sentimental sadness when you catch yourself backstroking through pools and pools of memories. As if it weren't a common daily occurence that somehow shook-down surprised you. I always think of you. Because it's hard to wrap my heart around these 3 long years. Sometimes seeming short. Most often times it's unbelievably overwhelming to think of you being gone so long. Longing for that infinitely-elusive hug. A laughter and a smile that are both so dearly missed. How I miss you, M. 4.9.09 : still M To think that the cancer was even capable of causing chaos in your body's courageous components. Will always be beyond belief. It wasn't fair that your body lost bits and bags and boxes of it's strength. It wasn't fair that it was you. It wasn't fair that you died that day. I wish you were here. I wish your lungs were launching laughter into this room. I wish for the only one that could ever be you. 4.10.09 : M My feelings go without saying.

State Radio - Keepsake Joseph Arthur - Exhausted Puddle Of Mudd - Blurry Sneaker Pimps - Walk The Rain Dave Matthews - Dreaming Tree Bjork - All Is Full Of Love 7.10.08 : love you dad It's 2:05p and I've littered my mind with nostalgia and alcohol. I've been choking on a broken heart since that morning's 6:06a. I don't know what to do with myself. I've been wrapped in a numb haze that has nothing better to do than keep me company with it's consistency. I feel alone and unguided. My grandfather is gone and I don't know how to put my own two feet together and keep moving through this draining disaster. How do you accept this much of a magnified loss. How do you accept the loss of life that's been applied to the strongest branch of your family tree. I don't know how to feel what I want to feel or say what I want to say. I'm a functional wreck. I've been carrying his picture in my pocket for days and days. I've had his Navy bracelet wrapped around my wrist for 3+ weeks. I've securely held him in my eyesight for 30 straight years and it's not enough. It's never enough. I need more. I need so much fucking more. I need more of my grandfather's calmly-carved presence. I need his laughter. I need the sound of his chest when it's dispelling his chest full of coughs. No one can come close to this contagious France at his brilliantly-bestowed best. No one can make his goodbye any easier.

Playlist : Radiohead - Videotape Moby - Inside Peter Gabriel - I Grieve Moby - Everloving Tool - Wings For Marie, Pt. 1 Radiohead - Videotape : When I'm at the pearly gates This'll be on my videotape My videotape When Mephistopheles is just beneath And he's reaching up to grab me This is one for the good days And I have it all here In red blue green In red blue green And you are my center when I spin away Out of control on videotape On videotape On videotape This is my way of saying goodbye Because I can't do it face to face I'm talking to you from... No matter what happens now You shouldn't be afraid Because I know today has been The most perfect day I've ever seen Peter Gabriel - I Grieve : It was only one hour ago It was all so different then There’s nothing yet has really sunk in Looks like it always did This flesh and bone Is just the way that we are tied in Now there's no one home I grieve for you You leave me It’s so hard to move on Still loving what's gone they say life carries on they say life carries on and on and on and on The news that truly shocks is the empty, empty page While the final rattle rocks its empty, empty cage And I can't handle this I grieve for you You leave me Let it out and move on Missing what's gone They say life carries on They say life carries on and on and on Life carries on In the people I meet In everyone that's out on the street In all the dogs and cats In the flies and rats In the rot and the rust In the ashes and the dust Life carries on and on and on and on Life carries on and on and on It’s just the car that we ride in The home we reside in The face that we hide in The way we are tied in Life carries on and on and on and on Life carries on and on and on Did I dream this belief Or did I believe this dream Now I can find relief I grieve Tool - Wings For Marie - Part 1 : You believed You believed in moments none could see You believed in me A passionate spirit Uncompromise Boundless and open A light in your eyes that Could end all lies Vacant, broken Fell at the hands of those movements that I wouldn't see Cause it was you who prayed for me, so What have I done to be a son to an angel? What have I done to be worthy? Daylight dims leaving cold fluorescence Difficult to see you in this light Please forgive this selfish question, but What am I to say to all these ghouls tonight? She never told a lie Well might've told a lie But never lived one Didn’t have a life Didn’t have a life But surely saved one See? I'm alright, now It’s time for us to let you go 4.5.08 : ... You've been breaking my heart more-so than usual lately. Can I say that and not worry about being victimized by vulnerability? I question this because it is a question. The tears start to splish-splash in the back of my throat when I think of all of the missing face-to-face time. Why does life hand out cheat cards when no one is ever interested in accepting them. The length of your legacy was unfairly snatched short. I've remembered every square inch of your face. With a welcoming smile constantly plastered between your compassionate sidewalk-chalked cheek bones. How could I ever forget a significance such as you. I rhetorically question that one too. Because it is a question. You with your ever constant influenceable face. I'll forever remember your face. I remember the way it used to light up in those pre-cancer days. Getting hung up on the cancer. Because cancer has become my whole-hearted-heavily-hated enemy. But in an attempt to be honest. I barely ever think of the way you looked when it clung to you like a heavy apathetic-overcoat. When I think of you. I think of only you. 4.8.08 : aphex twins - stone in focus Sitting here with these oversized headphones slung atop these surpasingly-sad eardrums. You would have loved this song if you had heard it during your luminous laughing days. How I've fucking wept and bargain-pled for another round of your spectacular laughter. It has always been my most significant song of rememberance. 4.9.08 : ... And it's not until you're choking on pieces of your own nostalgically hemmed-heart. That you remember why you're even smile-broken in the first place. You were one of the luckiest faces to be splattered all over the heart-space. With the inspiration and constant love from a woman that considered you to be an adopted version of her very own pre-existing trio of children. She constructed great elaborate plans for both you and your slung-stalled art career. She believed in you. She adviced you. She pushed you. She loved and listened to you. She made you believe in yourself. 4.9.08 : ... With a blue Sharpie-marked M on the underside of my wrist. All I can do is remember the brilliant heart-bombarding that is known to come on behalf of you. And as usual. My heart capsizes within all of the love that I have for you. 4.10.08 : ... Today is the day to follow in the footsteps of old infamous familiars. Today is the day I'll wear my tribute smile.

Finally... the 90's!! 001 - When In Rome - The Promise 002 - KWS - Please Don't Go 003 - Corona - Rhythm Of The Night 004 - London Beat - I've Been Thinking About You 005 - The Cure - Friday I'm In Love 006 - Suzanne Vega - Tom's Diner 007 - Boy George - The Crying Game 008 - Snap - Rhythm Is A Dancer 009 - Tori Amos - Little Earthquakes 010 - Go West - King Of Wishful Thinking 011 - B-52's - Rock Lobster 012 - George Michael - Father Figure 013 - Jon Secada - Just Another Day 014 - Tom Cochran - Life Is A Highway

001 - Lindsay Buckingham - Trouble 002 - Martika - Toy Soldiers 003 - The Police - King Of Pain 004 - John Waite - I Ain't Missing You At All 005 - Paul Young - Every Time You Go Away 006 - Steve Nicks - Silver Springs 007 - Alan Parsons Project - Eye In The Sky 008 - Belinda Carlisle - Heaven Is A Place On Earth 009 - Bon Jovi - Wanted Dead Or Alive 010 - Bryan Adams - Run To You 011 - Cyndi Lauper - True Colors 012 - Howard Jones - Things Can Only Get Better 013 - Jefferson Starship - Sarah 014 - Paula Abdul - Rush Rush 015 - Prince - When Doves Cry

Myspace : www.myspace.com/damndirtywest Youtube : www.youtube.com/fiiiiive05

This 80's mix is brought to you by the morning crew at McDowell's. "Look... Me and the McDonald's people got this little misunderstanding. See, they're McDonald's... I'm McDowell's. They got the Golden Arches, mine is the Golden Arcs. They got the Big Mac, I got the Big Mick. We both got two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles and onions, but their buns have sesame seeds. My buns have no seeds." [01] - COMA radio intro [02] - Steve Perry - Oh Sherrie [03] - Rockwell - Somebody's Watching Me [04] - Mike & The Mechanics - The Living Years [05] - Mr. Mister - Broken Wings [06] - Foreigner - Been Waiting For A Girl Like You [07] - Jefferson Starship - We Built This City [08] - John Waite - I Ain't Missing You At All [09] - Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart [10] - Michael Jackson - Smooth Criminal [11] - Pat Benatar - Invincible [12] - Phil Collins - Do You Remember [13] - The Outfield - I Don't Wanna Lose Your Love Tonight [14] - Prince - I Would Die 4 U Myspace : www.myspace.com/damndirtywest Youtube : www.youtube.com/fiiiiive05

This 80's mix is brought to you by Johnny 5! xx] - Back to the Future II - Welcome to the Cafe 80's ** xx] - COMA Intro 01] - Billy Idol - Eyes Without A Face 02] - Thompson Twins - Hold Me Now xx] - Airplane - Don't Call Me Shirley ** 03] - The Cure - Love Song xx] - Young Frankenstein - I thought I told you ** 04] - Big Country - In A Big Country 05] - Journey - Faithfully 06] - Human League - Human 07] - Cory Hart - Never Surrender 08] - Crowded House - Don't Dream It's Over xx] - Spaceballs - I'm surrounded by assholes ** 10] - Survivor - High On You 11] - Real Life - Send Me An Angel xx] - Legend - We are all animals my lady ** 12] - Hall & Oates - Out Of Touch xx] - Ferris Bueller's Day Off - Bueller, Bueller, Bueller ** 13] - Johnny Hates Jazz - Shattered Dreams 14] - Journey - Seperate Ways 15] - Mike & The Mechanics - Silent Running xx] - Ghostbusters - I'm fuzzy on the whole good / bad thing ** 16] - Foreigner - I Want To Know What Love Is 17] - Richard Marx - Right Here Waiting xx] - Planes, Trains & Automobiles - You play with your balls alot ** 18] - The Police - If I Ever Lose My Faith In You 19] - The Cars - Drive xx] - Coming To America - Yes, yes, fuck you too! ** 20] - Simple Minds - Alive & Kicking xx] - Back To The Future - It was meant to be ** 21] - White Snake - Is This Love ** Denotes movie sound bite

Deftones - "Minerva" I get all numb When she sings it's over Such a strange numb And it brings my knees to the earth And God bless you all For the song you saved us You're the same numb When you sing it's over Such a strange numb It could bring back peace to the earth So God bless you all For the song you saved us ... oh For the hearts you break every time you moan I get all numb We're the same numb And it brings our knees to the earth So God bless you all For the song you saved us ... oh For the hearts you break every time you moan And God bless you all on the earth

Rich Jacques - "Please Don't Break My Heart"

01] - Flickerstick - Beautiful 02] - Thirrd Eye Blind - Anything [acoustic] 03] - James Blunt - Fall At Your Feet 04] - The Early November - Make It Happen [acoustic] 05] - 3 Doors Down - So I Need You [acoustic] 06] - Seether - Broken [acoustic] 07] - Lifehouse - Storm [acoustic] 08] - The Spill Canvas - The Night Will Go As Follows 09] - Joseph Arthur - Honey & The Moon 10] - Dashboard Confessional - For You To Notice 11] - Bjork - All Is Full Of Love 12] - Bjork - Violently Happy

Tribute Playlist: Moby - "Hotel Intro" Moby - "God Moving Over The Face Of The Waters" Philip Glass - "Koyaanisqatsi" Moby - "Down Slow" Tori Amos - "Toast" Moby - "My Weakness" Tori Amos "Toast" Lyrics: I thought it was Easter time The way the light rose Rose that morning Lately you've been on my mind You showed me the rope Ropes to climb Over mountains And to pull myself Out of a landslide Of a landslide I thought it was harvest time You always loved the smell of the wood burning She with her honey hair Dalhousie Castle She would meet you there In the winter Butter yellow The flames you stirred Yes, you could stir I raise a glass Make a toast A toast in your honor I hear you laugh And beg me not to dance On your right standing by Is Mr. Bojangles With a toast he's telling me it's time To raise a glass Make a toast A toast in your honor I hear you laugh and beg me not to dance On your right standing is Mr. Bojangles With a toast he's telling me it's time To let you go Let you go I thought I'd see you again You said you might do Maybe in a carving In a cathedral Somewhere in Barcelona 4.9.07 : sad Avoid it when it's most painful. I think it's what I do best. But just exactly how do you repress a year's worth of grief. How do you remember and honor a friend that's been nothing more than a memory. So much more than a memory. Nothing real to touch. It's the memory of the touch. No skin of the hand that pulled you in for those comfort-laced hugs. No sounds of the one-and-only laughter. I can hear that laugh. Her laugh. But it's been nothing more than strips of tape pulled from the recorder that's housed in my head. I'm selfish. I want more than memories and a chest full of love. 4.9.07 : silent I know that you know. Why I'm having such a hard time saying anything to you. I feel like my voice is broken. So all I can do is write my message on a piece of paper. And set it on the corner of my desk and wait for you to come by and read it. 4.10.07 : stunned And I don't know what the hell just happened during this 3:00a. But a woman, from I don't even know where, hit me with the hardest words that I could have ever received today. Today is M's day. A day of remembrance and recognition. All mixed with hours upon hours of a humbled heavy heart-washing. And yet. That's exactly who this woman came to my inbox speaking of. An inbox that's barely been tampered with 2-3 times. A complete stranger that has been infiltrated with the inspiration of my great friend Michelle. A stranger that had been brought to tears. Reading those received words on a day like today. Pulled the tears from me as well. Luring the full bulk of tears that I've been trying so damn hard to hold intact. To keep tightly looped within my heavy heart. Feeling like I've been stunned into a speechless sentimental here. I'm all over the place here. And I don't know how to control it. How do you keep your composure when a stranger knocked your lungs clear out into an unnanounced time-out. I am so overwhelmed. All I can say is thank you.

COMA radio is sponsored by 5design. Check out the goods here : www.cafepress.com/5design Lyrics to show's intro: NURSE: Excuse me? Doctor? Do you have a moment? DOCTOR: A moment? What's the question? NURSE: More of a situation, a gentleman in exam 3. DOCTOR: What's the problem? NURSE: That is the problem, we're not sure. DOCTOR: You got the chart? NURSE: Right here. DOCTOR: Not much here is there? NURSE: No doctor, no obvious physical trauma. Vitals are stable. DOCTOR: Name? NURSE: No sir. DOCTOR: Did someone drop him off? Maybe we could speak to them. Let's get some background on this fella. NURSE: No ID. Nothing (heavy breathing in background) And he won't speak to anybody. DOCTOR: Well, let's say hello. Good Morning, I'm Dr. Lawson. How are you today? How - are - you today?! Look son, you're in a safe place. We wanna help in whatever way we can. But you need to talk to us. We can't help you otherwise. What's happened? Tell me everything. Random lyrics from this show's chest full of MP3's : °°° Got my sights locked in I can see you breathe °°° °°° Got a badge for my scars just the other day, wore it proud for the sake of my sanity °°° °°° Listen closely to what I say °°° °°° Troubles will come and they will pass °°° °°° No matter what you say you're still so blind to me °°° °°° Here by my side you are destruction °°° °°° Never turn your back on me again °°° °°° Careful, you be careful °°° °°° You're such an inspiration for the ways that I will never ever choose to be °°° °°° I'm sorry it's my fault I wasn't there to see whatever you became °°° °°° How am I supposed to love you °°° °°° Loving you might even kill me °°° °°° I'm daring people to jump off roofs with me °°°

COMA radio is sponsored by 5design. Check out the goods here : www.cafepress.com/5design Random lyrics from this show's chest full of MP3's : °°° Lets see if I'm hearing this right °°° °°° I'm reclaiming their minds °°° °°° But you're feeling so bad cause you know °°° °°° I forget everything I learn °°° °°° I've got to let it go and leave it gone °°° One of my random writings from the past 7 years [ from today's date or the closest to it ] : 12.19.00 : untitled You panicked. Over the volume of the fear ringing between your ears. Lick the salt from your hand. Don't try to cover me up. Smother me. You broke me. Don't push me into the past. You broke me. I'll never leave. You broke me.

Random lyrics from this show's chest full of MP3's : °°° You know I expected so much more from you °°° °°° You will be dispensed with when you become inconvenient °°° °°° I cannot live, I can't breathe unless you do this with me °°° °°° But I'm fine °°° °°° I won't break this silence that we've shared for so long... I will be strong °°° °°° My reflection says you're in pain, you're insane, can't explain why I tend to think these things °°° °°° Family photo, comb your hair, wear a smile, wear a tie... lie & don't be camera shy °°° °°° And it's beginning to get to me °°°

Another single MP3 that keeps me thinking of Michelle. She will always remain pasted to the layers of my heart. The song's lyrics: No more gold lights for the queen earth to keep you warm in your kingdoms High on the waves you make for us But not since you left have the waves come The bar is dead and the rocket's rain is keeping you wet in your deathbed So high on the waves you made for us And not since you left have the waves come... Have the waves come... 7.19.06 : I can feel you speaking to me when it rains I've discovered another song that makes me think of you. Will be adding it to my tribute playlist as soon as I go home tonight. I've really been missing you, M. I never feel your presence in my rooms anymore. My television works fine again. And my lightbulbs never blow out anymore. The 75 watt stock has been restacked. The surplus bringing even more sadness. Because you're completely in heaven now. And it could be a while until I get to hug and feel your smile again. Just keep knowing that I miss and think of you always. Always wondering about the conversations that we could have had each afternoon. Because today I'd have probably talked to you about my sister's graduation party and my ideas for a new art piece. I'd have asked you if Big Stew still avoided you. And if you would be proud of me if I told you that I'm about to go head to head with my greatest fear. And plant the truth out in the open for everyone to see. Because I've been hoping that you're still proud of me. For all of the art that I've been making. For the solo side projects that I've kept up with. I love you, Michelle. And I already know that you're proud of me. And even from heaven... you will always be there for me. 7.19.06 : cherry pepsi for all Today I went to Wendy's and bought a mandarin chicken salad. It's what I do when my heart is hurting. It's what I do when I'm missing you like crazy. When I can no longer stand the silence of your laughter. I hate not having you around, M. I fucking hate it. But the salad was the last thing that I had seen you eat. Because I recommended it's ingredients and you took me up on the thought of it. The evening I drove to the restaurant and picked it up for you. We sat in your livingroom and ate dinner together. We watched your sister's "Walk the Line" DVD and we breathed together. It was the last time that I saw you. The last time that I looked into your eyes. As I stepped into your grip for my final hug.

There's only one MP3 available here. It makes me think of Michelle. These are the lyrics: We listen to the tales and romanticize, How we follow the path of the hero Boast about the day when the rivers overrun, How we'll rise to the height of our halo. Listen to the tales as we all rationalize Our way into the arms of the savior Fading all the trials and the tribulations, None of us have actually been there, Not like you... The ignorant fibbers in the congregation Gather around spewing sympathy, Spare me... None of them could even hold a candle up to you Blinded by choices, hypocrites Won't see But enough about the collective judas Who could deny you were the one who illuminated Your little piece of the divine This little light of mine it gives your past unto me, I'll let it shine, to guide you safely on your way Your way home... Ohh, what are they gonna do when the lights go down Without you to guide them all to Zion? What are they gonna do when the rivers overrun Other than tremble incessantly? High as a wave But I'll rise on up off the ground. You are the light and the way They'll only read about I only pray heaven knows When to lift you out 10000 days in the fire is long enough. You're going home... You're the only one who can hold your head up high, Shake your fist at the gates saying, "I have come home now!" Fetch me the spirit, the son and the father, Tell them their pillar of faith has ascended. "It's time now! My time now! Give me my Give me my wings!"... Give me my (x5) "Give me my wings" You are the light, the way, that they will only read about Set as I am in my ways and my arrogance Burden of proof tossed upon non-believers. You were my witness, my eyes, my evidence, Judith Marie, unconditional one. Daylight dims leaving cool flourescence. Difficult to see you in this light. Please forgive this bold suggestion: Should you see your maker's face tonight Look him in the eye Look him in the eye and tell him I never lived a lie, never took a life, But surely saved one Hallejullah, It's time for you to bring me home. 5.4.06 : there's something uncomfortable about writing in regards to a permanently vacant friend You've had my full attention, M. I know you've been gesturing and talking to me. From your pictured perfect version of heaven. M's heaven. You've had plenty left to share. The multiple burnt out light bulbs and flickering television set only begin to tell a part of this story. I've felt you standing next to me. Turned around out of nowhere one day. And waived to you from the middle of my basement's staircase. Knowing that you were returning the gesture with a smile and an invisible wave of your own. You touched my shoulder as I walked into the kitchen on Easter's afternoon. And I wasn't scared. I'm not scared of your signs. I'm calm and open when you come approaching. Because you've been the only complete one. To help me through your death. You're reaching to me from a higher place. A bright beautiful place. You've been telling me that it's okay. That God took away the cancer and it's pain. That he/she has made you happy and comfortable and at peace again. You're happy and you're warm. You're okay now. That's what you've said. But I want to tell you that I miss you. And I do tell you that I miss you. As I speak and launch my lungs to the open silent air. You know that I miss you so much. I love you so much. I just want to hear your voice. I want to again steal the nightly hugs from your grinning grip. I want to walk to you with my absurd penned sketches in hand. And let you tape them up onto your walls. I want to surprise you with cups of Starbucks chai tea and cold apple pies from McDonalds. I wish that I still had invitations to come and watch movies with you in your peaceful living room. I want to hang out with you. To sit down and eat lunch with you and laugh with you. I want to debate with you. And talk about art and it's inspiration. About refilling yourself with inspiration..... I miss you so much. I miss you too much to even continue these words.....