Confidence Matters

This is the second post in October’s Self-Respect theme.Week 1 - You Don’t Have to Love Yourself to Respect YourselfI always treat myself with love and kindness. It is one of my rules.Years ago, after the final of three abusive relationships ended, I made a commitment not to let anyone treat me badly again.That commitment had to include me.One of the difficult questions I needed to ask myself when I started rebuilding my confidence was this:If someone you loved were living the life you live and treating themselves the way you treat yourself, how would you feel for them?Would you want something better for them?I had been moving from one bad relationship to another for years. I felt used and ashamed. I realised this was about more than rebuilding my confidence; it was about rebuilding my life too.So, I started making small changes to my life, all based on love, kindness and gratitude.Every small decision came with the question,‘What would I do if I loved and respected myself?’Previously, I would check everything I thought and did against the question,‘Is this good enough?’One question asked me to prove my worth. The other assumed I already had it.Gradually, the hard edges I had built around me softened, and my heart opened again. By the time I met the man who would become my husband, I was beginning to understand that a loving relationship shouldn’t require me to abandon myself.How we abandon ourselvesAre you on the list of people you care about?Often, when asked, people readily list the people they care about but leave themselves off. We can be reluctant to care for ourselves, fearing others will think we are selfish.We tend to measure our worth by how much we do for others. Most people are naturally kind and compassionate, and that is great. But sometimes we take it too far, and it chips away at our self-worth.When we believe acceptance depends on behaving in the ‘right’ way, we start to act in ways we think will make us more likeable. This can lead to people-pleasing, seeking external validation, and forming unhealthy relationships.We form an unspoken agreement: ‘If you are comfortable with me, then I must be okay.’* We say yes when we mean no.* We stay quiet rather than risk a disagreement.* We change ourselves depending on who we are with.* We tolerate behaviour we know isn’t right.* We ignore our needs because someone else’s needs feel more important.We abandon our true selves and stay small so we will fit in. Then we think people will love and accept us. All that happens is that we lose respect for ourselves.We send ourselves the message, ‘I don’t matter.’We do matterWhen I didn’t respect myself, I found it much harder to recognise when other people weren’t respecting me.This was part of how I walked blindly into those abusive relationships. I was seeking love when I didn’t yet know how to protect my own worth.I was living in a vicious circle where I looked for love, didn’t get it, so I looked for love even harder.I realised the ways I had been abandoning myself. Staying in toxic relationships, drinking too much, and allowing people to treat me badly. But I also realised it happens in much smaller ways. Every time we silence ourselves, ignore our needs, make ourselves smaller, or become someone else to keep another person comfortable, we leave a little bit of ourselves behind.Self-respect is choosing to stop doing that.What I learned is that we don’t have to make people feel comfortable around us. We don’t have to be ‘acceptable’ or ‘fit in’.When you learn to be yourself, you can show up everywhere as that person. When you do, you notice people respect you. That doesn’t necessarily mean everyone likes you. The difference is that you like yourself. That becomes what matters most.You don’t need to show up as anyone other than yourself. No part of you needs to be hidden. It’s so refreshing to realise you have nothing to hide and nothing to prove to anyone, because you matter. That’s not selfish; it’s honest.We go deeper into these themes and how to master confidence and self-belief in our Confidence Circle. These are hour-long sessions held three times every month. It has been my pleasure to watch the members grow together and support each other. If you are interested in joining a warm and supportive group, get in touch. Much loveSue xx This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

Our theme for October is Self-Respect.“I don’t know if I love myself.”I have heard that many times from clients.There was a time when I already knew my answer.I didn’t love myself. I didn’t think I was a nice person.I got into bad relationships, drank too much and didn’t take proper care of myself.Was that how you treat someone you love?Today, my answer is very different. I love myself. I know I am a good person. I have good relationships and take care of myself.But I didn’t reach that place by deciding to love myself. That wasn’t the first step.When I committed to building my confidence, something else began to change too. I didn’t consciously think, I am worthy of this effort. But perhaps some part of me was beginning to believe it.I started to believe that I matter, and that’s how I began to treat myself. Treating myself as someone who matters helped me to feel love for myself.Sometimes we discover our value through how we treat ourselves. Sometimes another person reflects it back to us first.A small act of kindnessI once heard a story about a man who had experienced homelessness and addiction. I don’t remember all the details now, but one part of his story has stayed with me. I can’t recall his name, so let’s call him Bill.Bill watched people walk by every day as he sat holding a piece of cardboard with the word ‘Homeless’.It hurt him that most people walked past as if he were invisible. A few might drop some change into his bowl, but they never spoke. Bill longed for connection and to be seen as a fellow man. Instead, most people turned away, even crossing the street.One day, a man who had just walked straight past him suddenly turned around and walked back. The man offered to buy him a meal. It was just a simple burger and fries, but after eating out of garbage bins, it must have tasted heavenly.After the meal, the man gave him some money, enough for the next day’s meal. He wished him luck and walked away. A few days later, the man returned to check on him. No one had ever done that before. Bill felt something shift inside him. This man wasn’t just being kind and then moving on without ever considering him again. He cared enough to come back. It tugged at a thread of hope in Bill.The stranger didn’t tell Bill to clean himself up, get a job, or even to stop drinking. Instead, as he left, he said four words. You have value, brother.After that, the story goes, Bill checked into rehab.He had done so several times before, only to relapse each time. This time, he had a reason to succeed. Someone had given him value, and he held on to it.What stayed with me wasn’t the meal or the money. It was that someone had stopped to treat a homeless addict as though he mattered, and then, importantly, had come back to see him again.Someone else saw his value as a man before he could see it himself. The stranger couldn’t give Bill value; only Bill could. The act of kindness, of letting Bill know he had been seen, was the nudge Bill needed.Believe that you matterSelf-respect doesn’t have to begin with believing you are worthy. It can begin with doing something that shows you might be.Asking someone to love themselves for who they are when they are struggling to see themselves as worthy can be hard. It may even reinforce their lack of self-worth, making them feel like a failure. Well-meaning people tell them they just need to love themselves, yet they can’t even do that.Maybe a better question would be, ‘Can you do something to show yourself that you matter?’Self-respect is a way to learn to love ourselves.When loving yourself feels too hard, you might manage to do one small thing for yourself.* Eat something nourishing even when you can’t be bothered.* Go outside for ten minutes.* Keep one small promise you made to yourself.* Rest without making yourself earn it first.* Say no to something you don’t have the capacity for.* Notice when you are speaking harshly to yourself, and stop.* Ask for help when you need it.* Do one thing today that makes tomorrow a little easier.* Tell yourself that today has been a good day when it has.* Yes, sometimes self-care can be as simple as a warm bubble bath!Do one small thing to show yourself that you do matter. One small act of kindness shown to yourself. That could even be stopping something you are doing.This is self-respect.Start where you are and do one small thing that shows you matter. Move forward from there.Thank you for reading. I appreciate that and your comments. I believe that people don’t necessarily need a dramatic reinvention. They need ways to begin hearing themselves again above the noise. Maybe a good question to ask yourself is, "Does the way I'm living reflect what matters to me.” Much loveSue xx This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is the final post in this months theme of building confidence.Week 1 - All I Wanted Was to Be Susan’s Friend and to Own a PonyWeek 2- I Didn’t Only Build My Confidence, I Uncovered Who I WasWeek 3 - If You Wait Until You Are Confident, You Will Never Take the LeapI started this month wanting Susan to choose me. I end with the realisation that I can choose myself.Carla was super confident. She was six feet tall too, which made her even more imposing.When I first met her, I thought she had the kind of confidence I wanted. The kind that lets people know you are in the room.At that time, my own confidence was low. At first glance, Carla seemed like the kind of person who would make a good role model. Maybe I could be like her. A shorter version, as I am only 5 feet 4.Carla was brash and bold. She called herself a ‘sex kitten.’She was the type of woman who was powerful and got what she wanted out of life.I started acting super confident. I let people know how clever I was, without believing it myself, of course. Don’t they say, ‘fake it till you make it?’I tried acting more like Carla. My friend told me I was being aggressive. A work colleague told me not to be so arrogant. Even my mother said I was being selfish. Ouch!Well, this clearly wasn’t working.After a while, I realised that Carla was bossy, a bully even. She used her height to intimidate her work colleagues.Looking back, I realise that acting like Carla was a way to protect myself from getting hurt. It wasn’t real confidence; it was a way of making sure people didn’t get too close.That wasn’t the kind of confidence I was looking for.A while later, I saw Carla in the supermarket. She was shopping with her mother. When she saw me, Carla introduced me to her mother. Then she said something that stayed with me. She said, ‘Sue, tell my mother how popular I am.’That one sentence said so much about the real Carla and how confident she really was.Stop trying to be confidentAs I found, pretending to be confident when you are not may work for some people for a time. Eventually, the cracks will begin to show.The loudest person in the room isn’t necessarily the most confident. What looks like confidence from the outside can sometimes be something quite different underneath.I stopped trying to be confident and started making small changes to my life instead.It wasn’t something intentional, but I realised that the more I worked on myself, the more my confidence grew.Little things like:* Smiling more and making eye contact.* Learning to listen in a conversation.* Being interested in people and letting me get to know them.* Knowing my values and living from them.* Bringing an attitude of gratitude into my life.None of these things made me louder or more impressive. They made me more comfortable with myself.Doing scary thingsWhen you are shy with low self-confidence, it can be hard to do things that scare you.I don’t mean like jumping out of a plane, or climbing a mountain. Although they are scary.Small things like making a complaint when you hate confrontation.Or saying no to a request when you normally say yes.These were the things I started to push myself to do.Going to social events and speaking to people. I learned that most people are quite friendly and easy to talk to.In these small scary moments, I would ask myself a question: ‘What is it I want to happen?’That question shifted my attention from what I feared might happen to what I actually wanted. Then I could decide whether taking the uncomfortable step mattered to me.That doesn’t mean I forced myself to go to every social event. Sometimes confidence can be choosing the cosy night in rather than saying yes to a party you really don’t want to go to.Knowing I will be okayMeeting Carla taught me something I couldn’t understand at the time.I didn’t need to become someone else to be accepted.When I tried to wear Carla’s confidence, it didn’t fit. I came across as arrogant and aggressive because it wasn’t me. For years, I thought I wanted confidence. What I really wanted was to feel accepted and to be liked by people.As I became more aligned with my natural self, I no longer needed everyone to like me.Of course, I would still prefer to be liked. We all want that. Rejection and criticism can be painful, and difficult conversations can still make me uncomfortable.Confidence hasn’t made me immune to discomfort.It has given me something else. I know now that I will be okay whether someone likes me or not.Whatever happens, I will always be okay.Thank you so much for reading and for your comments. I am grateful. Much loveSue xx This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is the third post in this months theme of building confidence.Week 1 - All I Wanted Was to Be Susan’s Friend and to Own a PonyWeek 2- I Didn’t Only Build My Confidence, I Uncovered Who I WasFor much of my life, I didn’t feel good enough.I was a high achiever who felt like an imposter.So working in a career where league tables rated performance was ideal.I could see where I stood compared to my peers. It gave me the external validation I needed to prove to myself that I was good enough.I imagine this was true for many of my peers, although we didn’t realise it at the time.Then the financial services industry changed, and the league tables were removed. Although we knew our own performance, we no longer knew how we compared. The constant ability to validate by checking the league table was gone.Luckily, by this time I had something I suspect many of my peers didn’t.Although external validation had confirmed me as a winner, it was no longer the only thing I needed to sustain my confidence. I already believed I was good at my job.I had self-trust.Trust in yourselfSome people who appear extremely confident still rely heavily on external validation.They may be able to walk into a room and look super confident, but beneath the surface, fear and self-doubt linger.What did they think of me?Did I say the right thing there?Did I get it right?They rely on external proof that they are good enough. Their financial worth, material possessions, status and other people’s opinions. They also rely on things going well. When they win, they feel great, but when something goes wrong, they stumble, and their confidence drops again.Without self-trust, we don’t believe in ourselves. We seek validation elsewhere instead of feeling secure in our own bodies. As a result, we often don’t act until we are sure it will work. We let fear take over and procrastinate. We think we need confidence to start. We don’t.One of the biggest misconceptions about confidence is believing we need to be confident before we start.That is completely backwards.To feel truly confident, you need to build self-trust first by taking action. These actions can be small. You only need one step at a time, and trust will build from there.You already have confidence within you. There are things in your life that you have already achieved. There are things in your life that you are very good at.When you try something new, you may not feel confident yet. But you already have evidence from other parts of your life that you can learn, adapt, and try again.Trusting myselfI didn’t wake up one morning thinking, ‘OK, time to work on self-trust.’It grew in me as I made those small changes in my life.I remember one of the trainers on a course telling me about her ‘magic lipstick’.She said that whenever she felt nervous, she would look in a mirror and reapply her lipstick. Then she would smile at her reflection and say, ‘I am ready.’The lipstick didn’t calm her nerves or magically give her confidence. It was a small ritual that reminded her she could feel nervous and still be ready.If you have heard me speak, or been in my Confidence Circle, you’ve heard me talk about a ‘greatness list’. I always recommend making a list of all your achievements. The big and the small wins. Everything that you can point to and feel good about. This is your evidence.We are encouraged to always win and to celebrate only the wins. As my father used to say, second place is the first loser.These days, I believe in celebrating the effort you put into something, whether you win or lose.Self-trust grew when I stopped believing everything had to work out. I learned to value showing up and trying, rather than celebrating only when I succeeded.After retiring from my career, I started writing and coaching. This was completely new to me. I didn’t wait until I felt confident enough to write publicly, coach, facilitate conversations or speak up. I drew on the confidence I had built in other areas to trust myself enough to just start. These new experiences, although scary at first, gave me more evidence that I could trust myself.Confidence grows from the effort you put into trying each new thing.This is what I doI learned coaching, speaking and writing by doing them.Each time, I gave myself a little more evidence that I could learn something new.Eventually, something changed.I moved from wondering whether I could actually do this to believing that this is what I do now. I trusted myself enough to try.I used to think confidence meant seeing my name in the top part of a league table. It was how I could prove to myself that I was succeeding.Now I know confidence means trusting myself enough to act even when I don’t know the outcome beforehand.Maybe not everyone will like what I write, or a conversation doesn’t go the way I hoped. I still feel nervous and I am okay. I carry on. Confidence comes from trusting who you are.If you are standing at the edge, waiting for confidence to arrive.If you are waiting for someone to tell you it’s going to work out before you can move.Stop waiting and take the leap.Confidence is waiting for you on the other side.Self-trust is an area we talk about a lot in our weekly Confidence Circle sessions. If you are that person standing on the edge of something you want to achieve but haven’t started, come and join us for support and encouragement.Much loveSue xx This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe