Empowered to Connect Podcast

What if the trust we struggle to give, to God, to people, even to ourselves, traces back to how our earliest needs were met? Counselor, author, and trainer Melinda Cathey joins Jesse to talk about how attachment shapes our ability to trust, why caregivers often have to start with their own stories, and what a corrective experience looks like for a child who has experienced stress, trauma, and adversity. This episode discusses faith openly: Melinda shares her Christian perspective and how attachment connects to trusting God, so it's a thoughtful, faith-forward conversation for anyone who loves a child who struggles to trust, or who has wrestled with trust themselves. Key Takeaways Belief and trust are different things. Belief is cognitive (do I think you're telling the truth?), while trust is relational and only grows through experience with someone who has proven safe. The four attachment styles (Secure, Anxious Avoidant, Anxious Ambivalent, and Disorganized) shape how we relate to people and, for many, how we picture God. Change starts with awareness, then picking one skill to work on with a friend or therapist. Children who have experienced trauma need corrective experiences, not just corrected behavior. Caregivers do this work best when they've looked honestly at their own wounds first. Timestamped Outline 00:00 – Introduction: meet Melinda Cathey 00:01 – Moving to Russia in 1992 and co-founding a transitional care program for young adults aging out of orphanages 00:04 – The 10 to 15 percent of young adults she couldn't reach 00:05 – Discovering Dr. Karen Purvis and TBRI 00:11 – Why Melinda wrote Deeper Than Belief 00:12 – Belief vs. trust 00:16 – Faith and psychology: what each side gets wrong 00:22 – Why healing starts with the caregiver 00:27 – The attachment cycle and the four attachment styles 00:40 – Corrective experiences for kids with hard beginnings 00:45 – Dependency by design 00:49 – Changing long-held patterns: awareness, "lights on," and picking one skill 00:53 – An invitation for those with church wounds 01:00 – Prayer and therapy: both/and 01:06 – Advice for parents and pastors sharing faith with children who have experienced trauma 01:09 – Final thoughts and wrap-up Guest Bio & Links Melinda Cathey is a counselor, trainer, and author of Deeper Than Belief. After moving to Russia as a missionary in 1992, she co-founded The Harbor, a transitional care program for young adults aging out of orphanages, and now trains caregivers and ministry partners around the world. Website: Melinda Cathey at Orphanos Resources Mentioned Deeper Than Belief by Melinda Cathey (from the publisher, Kirk House Publishers) Deeper Than Belief on Amazon (paperback) Deeper Than Belief on Amazon Kindle (e-book) Orphanos missions Chapters (00:00:00) - Introduction and welcome(00:00:48) - Melinda's background: mission work in Russia(00:01:44) - Building a program for aging-out orphans(00:04:36) - The stubborn 10-15% and seeking answers(00:05:47) - Discovering TBRI and personal transformation(00:08:49) - Training mission partners globally(00:09:58) - Writing the book Deeper Than Belief(00:12:37) - Belief vs. trust: a key distinction(00:16:33) - Why Christians pit psychology against faith(00:21:04) - Starting with wounded caregivers first(00:27:11) - Unpacking the attachment cycle(00:31:08) - Secure attachment as a metaphor for God's love(00:33:03) - Avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized attachment(00:39:48) - Reaching the hardest kids through trust and corrective experience(00:45:22) - Dependency on God by design(00:48:42) - Starting your own healing: awareness first(00:53:56) - Spiritual invitation for the wounded(00:58:28) - Perfect love casting out fear(01:00:56) - Balancing prayer with practical help(01:06:38) - Advice for parents and pastors on faith and trauma(01:09:20) - Closing thoughts and gratitude

FASD specialist and adoptive mom Sandra Flach joins Jesse to break down fetal alcohol spectrum disorder: what it actually is, why it hides behind behavior nobody understands, and why it's one of the most common and least discussed disabilities in foster care and adoption. Sandra shares her own family's diagnosis journey and the accommodations-based approach that finally helped her understand her sons instead of just managing their behavior. It's a conversation for anyone parenting a child whose brain might be working differently than expected, diagnosed or not. Sandra Flach is co-founder of Justice for Orphans and an adoptive and kinship parent of six. After her own sons were diagnosed with fetal alcohol syndrome, she became a national voice on FASD, offering training, coaching, and a peer support community for foster and adoptive families. Website: Justice for Orphans: FASD Training & Support Key Takeaways FASD is far more common than most people realize (one in twenty people prenatally exposed to alcohol, up to seventy percent of kids in foster care), yet true diagnosis is rare because doctors are trained to look for facial features present in fewer than ten percent of cases. FASD symptoms overlap heavily with trauma and can look like willful defiance, but the brain difference is real: what looks like "won't" is usually "can't," especially around executive function, auditory processing, and daily living skills. The path forward is accommodation, not consequence: understanding a child's specific struggles (memory, impulse control, sensory processing) and adjusting expectations the same way we already do for visible disabilities. Timestamped Outline 00:00 – Introduction: meet Sandra Flach, adoptive and kinship mom, FASD specialist and advocate 00:01 – FASD 101: how common it actually is, and why it's called an invisible disability 00:08 – Getting a diagnosis: who can diagnose FASD, and why so few doctors do 00:13 – Why the standard diagnostic criteria miss 90% of cases 00:19 – Not a straight line: the "scribble" and FASD's scattered developmental profile 00:28 – Why it's not that they won't, it's that they can't: executive function and the brain 00:36 – The neurobehavioral approach: accommodations instead of consequences 00:40 – "A child with brain damage": the reframe that changed how Sandra saw her sons 00:46 – Grief, interdependence, and redefining what success looks like 00:52 – Untangling shame, for parents, kids, and birth parents 01:03 – The long view: daily living skills, connection, and "not yet" instead of "never" 01:07 – Where to find Sandra: her support group, training, podcast, and a free gift Resources Mentioned Justice for Orphans: FASD Training & Support Hope Community (Sandra's online FASD support group) The Adoption & Foster Care Journey podcast Sandra Flach's site (Soul Care Saturday devotional and free breath prayers download) Call to Action (CTA) ETC Shopify ETC Newsletter signup ETC Instagram ETC Facebook Chapters (00:00:00) - Introduction and Sandra's Background(00:01:46) - What Is Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder(00:03:30) - Sandra's Family Journey to Diagnosis(00:07:57) - Challenges Getting an FASD Diagnosis(00:10:36) - Alcohol as a Teratogen and Whole-Body Effects(00:12:58) - Diagnosis Barriers and Facial Features Myth(00:14:17) - Navigating Diagnosis Without Birth History(00:18:48) - Developmental Gaps and Scattered Abilities(00:26:22) - Coping Strategies and Stress Capacity(00:28:21) - Executive Function and Misunderstood Behavior(00:30:28) - Communication Challenges and Real-Life Examples(00:33:55) - Untangling Trauma vs FASD Symptoms(00:35:54) - Accommodations as a Neurobehavioral Approach(00:39:36) - Seeing Brain Differences Instead of Bad Behavior(00:42:19) - Adults with FASD and Lifelong Accommodations(00:44:17) - Grieving Expectations and Celebrating the Child(00:47:58) - Community, Support Groups, and Celebrating Wins(00:52:04) - Addressing Shame and Building Acceptance(00:57:38) - Dispelling Shame Around Alcohol and Pregnancy(01:03:16) - Long-Term Goals and the Power of Connection(01:06:58) - Closing Resources and Farewell

What does open adoption actually mean, and what happens when fear gets in the way of staying connected? Annie Iverson, adoptive mom of four and creator of Write It & Remember It, joins us to talk honestly about openness, boundaries, and the small, sustainable habits that keep birth family connections alive. Episode Bullets Openness lives on a spectrum, from a card a few times a year to regular visits. There's no single "right" version of it. Three common misconceptions about open adoption: it means co-parenting, it's all or nothing, and it's mainly for the birth mom (it's really for the child). Keeping the child at the center means letting their questions, not the adults' comfort, drive the connection. A simple four-times-a-year rhythm (birthdays, a holiday, Birth Mother's Day, and one more) helps families stay consistent without overthinking it. "Something is better than nothing": an imperfect photo or a short text still counts as connection. Fear, of saying the wrong thing, of being judged, is often the biggest barrier, not logistics. If contact has faded or gone quiet, it's never too late to reach back out through the agency. Annie created Cards That Connect and the Birthday Interview Cards to make staying in touch simple and sustainable for other families. Resources Mentioned Write It & Remember It — Cards That Connect + Birthday Interview Cards Birthday Interview Cards & Book Digital Cards That Connect Free Guide: Keeping the Connection After Placement (PDF) Annie on Instagram Promo code: CONNECT20 for 20% off (Annie's gift to ETC listeners) Timestamps 00:03:29 — What "openness" really means 00:07:39 — Three misconceptions about open adoption 00:16:20 — Keeping the child at the center (the birth mom & shoe-size story) 00:21:43 — The four-times-a-year rhythm for staying consistent 00:22:52 — "Something is better than nothing" 00:32:18 — Fear as the biggest obstacle to staying connected 00:34:06 — What to do when contact has faded 00:41:52 — Letting go of the "hero" narrative If this episode encouraged you, share it with another parent who needs to hear it. For more support on connected, trauma-informed parenting, check out our Connecting Practices Handbook and the Cultivate Connection course. Chapters (00:00:00) - Annie Iverson on Empowered to Connect(00:01:45) - What is an Open Adoption?(00:03:04) - What Does Open Adoption Mean?(00:04:42) - Open adoption and biological family(00:07:40) - 3 Main misconceptions about Open Adoption(00:11:29) - What Kind of Contact Should Birthmother Have With Her Child?(00:16:18) - Open Adoption: Keeping the Child at the Center(00:20:21) - How to Keep the Open Adoption Relationship(00:25:52) - The Birth Mother's Cards(00:29:13) - Birth Mother Cards!(00:31:55) - Open Adoption: The Challenges(00:39:21) - Open Adoption: When Your Daughter Gives Up Her Story

If bedtime in your house feels like a nightly negotiation, or you're the one lying in the dark at 2 a.m. wondering why nothing seems to work, this conversation is for you. Pediatric sleep consultant Allison Ezell spent years stuck between a sleep doctor telling her to sleep train and a TBRI therapist affirming the trauma-informed parenting she knew her son needed, unable to find anyone who could bridge the two. She eventually became the person she needed, and she's bringing that hard-won wisdom to us today. What We Cover in This Episode The two building blocks of sleep science, sleep associations and sleep pressure, and why understanding sleep associations alone resolves most of the sleep struggles Allison sees. The difference between "putting a child to sleep" and "putting a child to bed," and why that distinction matters most for kids who wake in the middle of the night. A practical bedtime routine built around what a body actually needs to fall asleep: sensory input earlier in the evening, a warm bath or shower, real connection, and a small snack. How to build felt safety around bedtime fears through repeated, low-pressure exposure, and a gradual pullback method for weaning off sleep associations without a jarring overnight switch. A consistent, scripted response for middle-of-the-night wake-ups, plus the red flags (frequent waking, restless legs, long sleep onset, excessive daytime sleepiness) that mean it's time to talk to a doctor. Resources Mentioned Dwell Pediatric Sleep Allison Ezell on Instagram (@dwellpediatricsleep) Timestamps 00:00:37 — Allison's story: years of sleeplessness with her son, and how she became a pediatric sleep consultant 00:05:03 — The two big buckets: trouble falling asleep vs. trouble staying asleep 00:08:01 — Sleep science 101: sleep associations, explained through "the pillow" 00:11:09 — "For a lot of parents, they are the pillow": why parents become the sleep association 00:13:36 — Building a child's confidence and tolerance for separation 00:20:35 — Why temperament and history change how a child responds to sleep 00:22:45 — Sleep pressure, naps, and finding the right wake windows 00:30:36 — What has to happen in the body to fall asleep: heart rate and body temperature 00:33:07 — Building a bedtime routine: sensory input, bath or shower, connection, snack 00:41:37 — Creating felt safety around bedtime fears through repeated exposure 00:47:52 — The gradual pullback: weaning off unsustainable sleep associations 00:53:07 — The scripted response for middle-of-the-night wake-ups 00:55:16 — Red flags that mean it's time to talk to a doctor 00:59:47 — Allison's closing message: it's not selfish to want to fix your family's sleep Connect Line Have a question or topic you'd like us to cover? Send it to [email protected] Chapters (00:00:00) - Empowered to Connect: Everything Sleep(00:00:45) - What a Sleep Consultant Can Help You(00:05:00) - How to Get Your Child to Fall asleep(00:08:05) - Sleep Science for Adopted Kids(00:09:19) - Sleep Associations and Sleep Pressure(00:14:50) - How to Sleep Well With Your Child(00:22:49) - How to Raise a Sleepy Child(00:27:04) - How to Establish a Sleep Schedule for Foster Kids(00:30:40) - The Science of Falling asleep(00:31:18) - Sleep Aid for Kids(00:35:56) - How to Have a Good Bedtime(00:41:50) - How to Put Your Child to Sleep(00:47:11) - Waking Up in the Night(00:51:42) - How to Talk Your Child Out of Night Fever(00:54:52) - Signs of Insomnia in Parents(00:59:28) - How to Sleep Your Child

What if the parent report card you've been grading yourself on this whole time was never actually yours to fill out? Episode summary bullets: Nicole Barlow, longtime foster and adoptive mom and one of our Cultivate Connection facilitators, shares how she went from feeling like a "rockstar" foster parent to realizing she was in way over her head. Why the peer-to-peer model at the heart of Cultivate Connection matters: none of us are exempt from putting these tools into practice in our own homes. The weight of being watched. Nicole opens up about neighbors, strangers, and offhand comments that shaped how she saw her own parenting. How Nicole's understanding of Scripture around obedience and discipline shifted over time (a perspective she shares from her own faith journey). Redefining success: from "my kids are compliant" to "does my adult child still call me, even from a hard place?" Why a compliant kid isn't always a regulated kid, and what Nicole wishes she'd noticed sooner in her own home. Dysregulation isn't disobedience: a look at fight, flight, freeze, and fawn, and why repair matters more than perfection. Nicole and Jesse's honest conversation about social media, comparison, and the images of parenting we quietly measure ourselves against. Nicole's closing encouragement for any parent white-knuckling their way through this season: "It's not yours to carry." Resources mentioned: Cultivate Connection On-Demand course: https://empoweredtoconnect.shop/products/cultivate-connection-on-demand Connecting Practices Handbook: https://empowered-to-connect.myshopify.com/products/connecting-practices-handbook-ebook-spiral Timestamps: 00:00 – Meet Nicole Barlow and her foster and adoptive journey 09:53 – From "I've got this" to feeling completely in over her head 18:13 – Faith, obedience, and the pressure of what other people think 26:31 – What "successful mom" used to mean to Nicole, and what changed 33:08 – Why her most compliant kid taught her the most about trauma 39:07 – Redefining success as relationship, not response 48:36 – Nicole's word for any parent white-knuckling it right now Connect line: Find more trauma-informed parenting tools and connect with our community at http://empoweredtoconnect.org or follow along on Instagram @‌empoweredtoconnect. Chapters (00:00:05) - Empowered to Connect: Nicole Barlow on Foster Parents(00:03:22) - How to Train the Trainer(00:10:07) - Coming soon: Learning to Love Yourself(00:10:31) - What Made You Feel Bad About Your Parenting?(00:19:21) - Anglicans on Parenting(00:26:46) - Paula on Being a Successful Parent(00:35:59) - Fight or Flight: Dysregulation and How to Support It(00:39:10) - What Does That Look Like to Be a Successful Mom?(00:41:20) - "So Much of Success Is Staked on Connection With My Child(00:48:38) - It's Not Your Parents' Report Card