If you want to understand how we got to the point in this deranged bit where I felt like I should continue it for the rest of the episode. I would have cut it fully if I could, but goddamn did I commit and that really caused problems for future me.
Get Absolutely Bogged Motherfucker
You never know when I'm gonna strike
It's 2021, mija!
We recorded this so god damn long ago, mija. We have all changed as people. We've had character development. We've had character regression. I don't even know the people who are speaking in this episode. I wish you could understand.
Do you remember your first time being tickled, mija? Did it change you? Do you think about it? At night?As your partner sleeps beside you, oblivious? Do you crave the sweet sound of laughter? Does the feeling of this want, this craving, haunt your mind? Do you dream of it? Do you? Trigger warnings: sexual assault, murder, cults, p*dophilia, underage sexual content
GRANDPAPPY POOP GRANDPAPPY POOP GRANDPAPPY POOP Trigger warnings: transphobia, homophobia, s*xual assault, stalking, physical violence
Check out this list of local names, mija! Trigger warnings: physical violence, death, kidnapping, su*cide, child abuse, police brutality
ITS A GOOD DAY FOR BETTY X DONNA SHIPPERS MIJA!!!!! Trigger warnings: physical violence, su*cide, p*dophilia, filming/watching a sex tape without the consent of the person being filmed (is there a shorter word for this cause I don't know it)
Mija, my co-host cut the best part out of this episode. Shame on him. Shame. Trigger warnings: death, stalking, physical violence, human trafficking
I'm not like other girls, mija. I eat raw human flesh in my spare time! Trigger warnings: stalking, human trafficking, grooming, mention of r*pe, incestuous thoughts, p*dophilia
What song would you sing to reject Alpha-Wolf-Reggie, mija? Trigger warnings: human trafficking, su*cidal ideation/su*cide, physical violence, pedophilia, sexual assault, filming sexual content without consent
BREAKING NEWS! (news jingle plays) The rum bandit has struck again this morning at the Riverdale zoo, where multiple elephants have been found intoxicated. Zoos around the world terrified. More on this story after a word from our sponsors. (ending jingle plays) Trigger warnings: stalking, physical violence, human trafficking
Cherry Bomb (Riverdale's Version) deserves to be on your Spotify wrapped, mija. Trigger warnings: human trafficking, suicidal ideation, physical violence, sexual assault, pedophilia, self harm, murder
Have some syrup with that, m(ij)a'am. Trigger warnings: genocide, su*cide, alcoholism, parental abuse, physical violence
Tessa Leigh Williams, I would gladly kiss you on the mouth. Trigger warnings: r*pe, self harm, su*cide, conversion therapy, cults, organ harvesting, parental abuse, incest
Mija, I know it sounds like we recorded this episode from underwater. That's because we did. We haven't revealed this to you yet, but one of the podcast hosts actually suffers from fish person disease. If you'd like her to record on dry land next time, we are fundraising to try and pay for her gill surgery. Email endgameriverdalepodcast@gmail.com if you'd like to donate. If you are a fish person, you are not alone. Trigger warnings: alcoholism, cannibalism, su*cide, genocide, physical violence, sexual assault, grooming, recording sex acts without someone's consent
Did that Hiram scene make you hot and bothered, mija? 🥵 If so, you may be entitled to financial compensation. Trigger warnings: su*cide, car accidents, murder, addiction, eating disorders