Epic Old-School Recaps

As the machine chews up critical evidence in Saul Goodman's office -- because that's where we are -- we see a collage of the aftermath of the beatdown Saul got from Jesse Pinkman in Breaking BadS05.E11, "Confessions." (I think? As I've mentioned in previous recaps, it's five years since those episodes ran, and as a straight viewer of Better Call Saul, I tend to just enjoy the show in its own timeline and not care about cross-checking it against Breaking Bad eps. As a recapper, well, here I am, caring, but if my research doesn't line up, hit me in the comments.) Saul's multiple cell phones, an open safe, scales of justice and faux pillars and marketing matchbooks scattered about…the place is a mess, and Saul is grunting as he tries to shift a tile in the dropped ceiling. Eventually he succeeds, and a bowling bag full of cash drops into the office. Saul exults that "it's" all still there. "Meaning what, exactly?" a mid-shred Francesca asks. Saul lamely gabbles something about rodents nesting in it. Francesca makes her customary "k, weirdo" face.Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Our cold open is...possibly instructive and thus servicey to homeowners? We watch as, very methodically, a man we don't see frames out a square and then mixes, pours, and smooths out concrete in it. We keep getting cuts back to a little blond boy watching this whole process, and inasmuch as he's not in, like, a Go-Bots t-shirt or something, it's hard to tell when this is, though the AM Gold on the soundtrack and the look of a nearby car suggest the '70s. That this guy hasn't found even one little BS task to give the kid and make him feel like he's helping is a hint as to the kind of person he is -- though maybe the kid is hanging around because he wants to make sure he's right there when the concrete is perfectly smooth, so that the man doesn't change his mind before giving the kid a stick and letting him write his name in it.Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The desert. A spiky lizard mounts a rock to observe skeptically as a makeshift spike strip is dragged across some isolated blacktop. A pair of black boots stalks over to a grey Chevelle, reverses it, throws it in drive, and floors it. It's a little hard to tell who's driving or why this is happening at this juncture, so let me save you the suspense -- the boots belong to Victor, and the Chevelle's doomed affair with the spike strip……belongs to Gus Fring, as it were, in the service of selling an alternate version of Arturo's demise that will allow Gus to manipulate Los Salamanca into destroying themselves while not implicating him. The explosion that ends that plan is, in this universe, years in the future; the explosion that ends the Chevelle's tires will have to do for now, and it's properly epic, with sparks flying and hubcaps jouncing away into the desert. The car comes to a stop on its rims on the shoulder, and Victor and his fingerprint-avoidant gloves get out as, in a black SUV, a similarly gloved hand reaches out the passenger-side window to scatter handfuls of shattered auto glass every few feet. Victor is smoking as the SUV approaches the Chevelle, and we're pointedly shown his stubbing out his butt and kicking it away, like, if you're taking such pains with every other aspect of this diorama, maybe pack out the piece that has DNA on it?Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We begin with some very moody closeups of a hospital room by night, which are soothing right up until THE CLOSEUP OF A LIGHT GETTING SHINED RIGHT INTO AN EYE. Oh my god, I'M AWAKE! JESUS! The patient whose eye is being assaulted is, of course, Hector Salamanca, and whoever's interfering with him moves on from the eye to a check, with a gloved hand, of Hector's lower teeth, fingertips, and feet, the last of which don't respond to the instrument this consultant rolls up the Don's soles. With Victor posted up in the shadows by the door, the consultant -- who turns out to be Dr. Goodman, last seen in Season 3 -- stands out of sight as he reads Hector's chart by flashlight, snapping it off when Victor silently signals by raising two fingers at him as a couple of guys in scrubs pass in the hall. When they've gone, Dr. Goodman returns to the chart, looking from it to Hector to a figure standing in the parking lot below...Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The voice of a meteorologist expositing that Palmetto is bracing for Hurricane Ignacio. Then there's a break from format that, depending on your preferences, you will compare favorably or not to the one in "Scream," as a secondary character supplies our narration; this time, it's Virginia. "I don't know where I am, but I can see everything," she says, Sunset Boulevardily. "Remember everything." As she speaks, we get hurricane b-roll intercut with shots of Desna and Gregory, engaged in hand-to-hand combat in a dark hotel room. "Everything that led up to what happened," Virginia VOs. She used to love storms when she was little, because she thought everything would be different when they were over: "Everything sure feels new now, after Desna's big day. Her fairy tale. Except that was all a lie." BITCH, WE'VE BEEN KNOWING. The montage then brings us shots of the happy bride and groom at various points during the wedding. Virginia's still not sure how she feels about the ending of Desna's fairy tale: "But we're not there yet, so we might as well start at the 'once upon a time.'"Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We fade up, of course, at Gene's Cinnabon in Omaha, where a sink is overflowing; a spilled coffee is dripping; looky-loos are peering over the sneeze guard; and Gene is out like a light with an icing spatula buried in his sideburn…almost like he fell asleep in the midst of getting made up, or gluing on a disguise.The Ink Spots croon "We Three (My Echo, My Shadow And Me)" as EMTs remove the spatula, roll Gene over onto his back, and put an oxygen mask over his face. He's wheeled out and through the mall, and he anxiously cranes his neck to see who's watching. The Ink Spots wonder plaintively, "Where is the one I love?" as Gene is taken outside and into a very bright light……which dissolves soon enough to the ER, where Gene glumly submits to a battery of tests. "We three, we're all alone." Later, he half-sits up and squints nervously at a police officer who's kibitzing at the front desk, before getting startled by the abrupt entrance of his doctor. "You were right" that it wasn't a heart attack, he's told; in fact, everything looks good, except for an elevated blood-pressure reading that makes sense "under the circumstances."Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Desna's at a shooting range, shocking us all by not being a dead-eye shot. I realize this is sacrilege even to think, but perhaps it would help her grip if Desna had shorter nails? (Sorry. Im sorry. Im trying to remove it.) Anyway, Roller steps in to give Desna some advice about her stance and her breathing, and whereas her first two shots struck her paper target in its wrists, more or less, the third gets it right in the center of its chest. Desna is proud, excited, and horny; when Roller goes in to kiss her, she sort of rebuffs him the first couple of times, but can't deny her hot pants what they want, and almost immediately he's picking her up onto the little ledge in her booth. "Hurry up," she tells him. "I've got a fake wedding to plan."Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We open at the commune. Apparently the Nail Artisans have shut down the shop in the middle of the day, yet again, to gather around Dean in the moments following Desna's arrest. Jenn calls the police station to try to locate Desna, and I'm grateful to whichever writer decided Jenn should spell Desna's surname, because as recently as two episodes ago, the closing credits called Dean and Desna's mother "Miss Sims." Now it's canon -- SIMMS -- and I don't have to go back and edit all my old recaps a THIRD time...Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

More time is filled by Desna flashing back through memories of various times Zlata and Gregory made her think she was special. Virginia and Dean come out looking for her and are thrown by the catatonia that has immobilized Desna's whole body except the fingernails of her right hand, which she's tapping on the arm of her chair. When Desna doesn't respond to her, Virginia picks up the blackened remains of Madame's gift and guesses that she burned some drapes. "Wedding dress," Desna finally says, before getting up and telling them she's fine. Dean points to the fire pit as proof that she isn't, but she silences him with a finger: "Dean? Not right now." She turns to Virginia, orders her to get dressed, and strides off. She had a whole night to come up with a plan and couldn't think of one that didn't include Virginia?!Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A shattered Desna departs Zlata's house, weeping for the life she's not going to have with Gregory, and is still in a daze as she sits in the hospital waiting room with Polly and Virginia and Quiet Ann and the Hussers that did not get shot earlier tonight. Weirdly, Polly asks if Desna's okay, like, even though they don't know what's going on with her engagement, they do know her best friend's husband just got shot, so maybe she's a little upset about it? Desna hoarsely says she's fine, and Uncle Daddy snorts, "She doesn't look fine," like, ARE YOU FINE, DUDE? It's not like you're all sitting around the shop getting a polish change, damn. Anyway, Desna can't sit anymore, and Roller follows her to the far side of the waiting area to take his turn asking how she is, and as if, all at once, she remembers the many hints Roller's dropped about Gregory over the course of the season, she narrows her eyes and asks, "Did you know about Ruval?" Roller takes a beat before admitting, "Pussy doc's his own Mafia kingpin, D. I wanted to tell you." Barely keeping her voice down, Desna says she can't believe this shit, but they can't get into it because then a nurse appears yelling for a crash cart for a patient who's flatlining, and I guess Bryce is the only person who got shot in Palmetto tonight because he is, indeed, the flatliner in question. Jenn comes out shrieking from around a corner, presumably from his room. At first, she runs straight to Desna, sobbing helplessly, as Desna says she thought Bryce was stable. Jenn doesn't answer at first, catching her breath, and then having an epiphany, telling Desna, "You did this. You remember how you said that we could trust Zlata?" She turns to the other Nail Artisans standing in the doorway to get them to agree with her; wide-eyed, they all nod. "I was wrong, Jenn!" cries Desna. "This is your fault," says Jenn. "All of it. All of it. ALL OF IT!" With no good answer, Desna turns and quickly stalks out. Maybe if Jenn had been more understanding, Desna would be on her way to get her some clothes that aren't covered in her possibly dying husband's guts.Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Now: we're at the grand opening of Suncoast Rejuvenation 2, the first of the four new clinics Zlata's planning to open. Uncle Daddy has shown up to pout about it/annoy me yet again by inaccurately describing Zlata as a "Commie." (The Hussers tend to alternate this slur with "Putin bitch," the latter probably being a lot closer to the facts.) Uncle Daddy goes on to slag Desna as "that dashiki Barbie," at which Bryce scolds him for being offensive, though I actually think Desna would cheerfully accept that nickname...Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We open on Quiet Ann, startled from sleep by her ringing phone. It's the Department of Children and Families -- but though the agency was so recently used as a cudgel against Jenn, this call is to deliver what should be happy news: "We have a baby for you and your partner." Quiet Ann takes a long moment, perhaps pondering whether she wants to try to pursue an adoption on her own, and then says, "We won't be able to make it." As her eyes alight on a sweet snapshot of herself with Arlene, Quiet Ann clears her throat and adds, "She and I aren't together anymore?" The social worker awkwardly tells Quiet Ann that if something changes, she should let them know, though it doesn't sound like she expects that to occur and quickly gets off. So much for the one pleasant call she probably gets to make this week!Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh boy! A season finale! Don't you love season finales? I sure do! Especially in shows like Westworld, because this is where, we are told, all the mysteries will be revealed. "All your questions will be answered!" they say. Although a lot of the time, the audience has questions like "Wait, who is this again?" and "Where were they going last time I saw them?" But there's no time for exposition, even in an episode that's an hour and a half long. We've got characters to kill and beautiful scenic vistas to look at and narrative tropes to deconstruct.Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We open in black and white, in a very traditionally decorated mid-century home. As cheery black-and-white sitcom music plays, Gregory calls, "Honey, I'm home!," to the cheers of the studio audience or laugh track (though it's clear from his intonation that old-ass sitcoms weren't a staple of the Haitian TV of Jimmy Jean-Louis's youth, or maybe just that a French-dubbed Ward Cleaver put his own stink on that hoary old sing-song). He's taking off his coat and hat when Desna appears with a martini on a tray, and I assume I needn't tell you this queen can make even a corny old '50s housewife's wardrobe look good.Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

"This thing in me," we hear MiB say in voiceover. "Even I didn't see it at first." As he rasps out these lines, we're shown water dripping from a round piece of glass, and an image we've seen before: that overflowing bathtub with a hand dangling limply from the side. Again, we see feet (presumably MiB's) running up a marble staircase. "And then one day it was there," he says. This time we see him walking down a Shining-esque hallway, the first of what will be multiple references to that work. "The stain."Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices