Everything's Great, Nothing Is Wrong

Despite the best laid schemes of Crickets and Men, the podcast's direction was never in their control at all. The True Villain reveals all in a full confessional of misguided and frustrated arrogance.  This is (likely) the end. We didn't get there. Topics include: Subterfuge, Vanity, Incompletion, Regret, Nostalgia, and, Most Importantly, Guns.

It's been teased, incessantly, for the duration of the show. It's a strange choice for semi-finale. It's not fit for human ears. It's the Lost Episode at long last, left unedited to preserve its integrity and temporal veracity!  Compare and contrast our former lethargic tones and lack of repartee! Doze in awe at Jeff's flattened, low energy affect! Marvel in wonderment at Cricket's henceforth-absent encyclopedic knowledge! Why and how did this all change? Only the podcast itself knows. Plus, in a bizarre bout of synchronicity, Jeff's past self corrects his future self's inaccuracies about the Bahá'í calendar. We rank the religions. Topics include: The Adventure of the Spiteful Author, DNA Hoarding, Post-Religious Ethical Codes, and Guns.

A glorious reunion awaits! Wasting no time at all in the realm of reconnection, your classic hosts try to expand holiday songs' outreach to be less seasonal. Cricket's taken a page from Jeff's book of tricks to infiltrate another podcast, and a tragic revelation might just change the future of the podcast forever. Also, the Farmer is just kind of hanging around. Feel free to ignore him. I am we again, and we're back on our bopskip. Topics include: Castcount: 2, Fucktunes, Pokémon Stop: The Best Career Choice, and Guns.

The Farmer discusses the merits of Viking Cruises. Cricket complains about having to do work. We witness a death by suicide by hanging.  Topics include: Hangman, Carpe Rapem, The Gong Show, Time, and Guns.

What's the best way to steal, and which race steals the most? This week's cashier tells all, from whole cloth. It's the podcast, as usual, in the normal way! Nothing strange here! I do find another co-host, though. Topics include: Pilferage Pointers, Retail There-a-pee, and Guns.

Jeff seizes control again, out of fear and necessity, to go back to the podcast at hand: recording conversations in secret. Although discourse is a bit tricky to maintain by oneself, he nevertheless tries to ask: What kinds of photographs won't camera stores print, and why are the Dutch so danged cocky? We are just me now, I guess. Topics include: Darkroom Secrets, Pornography, The Netherlands, and Guns.

«Transmission Received» This is a placeholder episode, again, in which the Farmer talks in his sleep. «End Transmission»

Jeff has abandoned Cricket and The Farmer, leaving them to their own devices. The Farmer’s experiment has a twenty-percent success rate. A long lost listener contributes one of the most def poems yet. The Farmer provides insights into why Jeff left, and why Cricket is so antagonistic toward him. We realize too late that we had to find our own segue sound effects. Topics include: Punk Rock Covers, Pant Length, Racism, Speciesism, The Gong Show, and Guns.

«Transmission Received» This is a placeholder episode, in case Jeff's absence made the art no longer. «End Transmission»

Jeff tries to get into the mindset of our mysterious emailer by infiltrating another podcast, before the all-too-comfortable Farmer teams up with Cricket to throw wild accusations back at him! Our very own humble host, The Jeff himself, indicted; can you believe it? There is mutiny afoot! We part ways. Topics include: Castcount: 1, Agent 82 vs M.O., The Trial of Jeffrey Carsonberg, and Guns.

Cricket is becoming dissatisfied with the podcast, so she brings another guest to help liven things up. But as with Warrior Squirrel, she turns antagonistic (though seemingly less drunk). Jeff reads the underwhelming results of a survey he conducted for "The Worst Thing [People]'ve Ever Done." We do things a bit backwards! Topics include: Birdwatching, Orthopteran Abecedarium: Eagli[s]m, Petty Panty Theft, The Opposite of Cover, and Guns.

Cricket takes it upon herself to dive into what was more than likely the research Dr. Berg and Dr. Carson pursued to determine how trains react to emotion. Jeff didn't understand the prompt! We host a game show. Topics include: The Dating Game But For Trains, and Guns. Send in your unethical inquiries to everythingsgreatnothingiswrong.com or everythingspodcast@gmail.com!

Picking right back up where we left off, Doctor Berg displays a surprising knowledge of the age-old discipline known as Train Sex to a shocked Sir Topham, for some reason. Sodorian Newspapers are suspiciously vague and the whole internal logic of the world can barely hold itself together. (It's another rough one. Feel free to skip this section. Feel free to skip this whole podcast?) We raise our eyebrows, commodorely. Topics include: Atlas Chugged: Edge of Destiny Chapter 7 Part 2, and Guns.

At the onset of some truly troubling news, we revert to Forever Now and Other Train Sex Tales! The Good Doctors, Carson and Berg, explain to Sir Topham their scientific take on Train Love. You'll never guess which vital organs Sentient Trains lack! We dive even deeper into increasingly disquieting train anatomy. Topics include: Atlas Chugged: Edge of Destiny Chapter 7 Part 1, and Guns.

In the finale of our Grasshopper Trilogy, the narrator begins to reveal himself as unreliable, but we're far too wise to fall for that ruse. Has violence been the solution to homophobia this whole time? Also, a classic question of hospital ethics comes straight from our suspicious inbox. We hit on our listener's mom. Topics include: Gay Grasshopper Part 3, Listener Email: Tackle Triage, and Guns.

Cricket's caucus companion continues their tale of homegrown homophobia with Oscar-worthy dramatic flair. Burps are counted, but don't fear: they're just remnants of a bygone era. The numbness starts to go away.  We skip and scream and bop shoo bop it. Topics include: Gay Grasshopper Part 2, 1990s Toys Conflation, and Guns.

Cricket's burping has gotten quantifiably out of control, so Jeff stages an intervention/celebration. Following only the strictest podcast etiquette, this entire episode is devoted to satisfying our base impulses, like eating right into the microphone. We can stop finally counting! Topics include: BurpCount: Complete!, Fart Yoga, Rectal Prolapse, and Guns.

From the caucus recordings of Cricket comes a tale of growing up in the Deep South, where even the most cheerful homosexuality is seen as an affront to the status quo. An obtuse Jeff tries his best to decipher this outré American dialect. We reach a milestone. Topics include: Gay Grasshopper Part 1, BurpCount: 100!, and Guns.

In a postcoital bliss, Thomas the Tank Engine begins his intellectual awakening – to his own detriment. We find the concept of hands to be incredibly useful, but (at the moment) also find ourselves without. Topics include: Atlas Chugged: Edge of Destiny Chapter 6, and Guns.

With the nature of their reality in flux, Jeff and Cricket read the abstract of an epistle sent to them confronting their liberal use of the nonlinear in this very podcast. Also, a listener repurposes making change from a tip jar with their church's offering plate. We comply with chronology. Topics include: BurpCount: 96, Wrought Log vs. Hot Dog, Operation Clockwise, Listener Email: Glehd Tithings, and Guns.