False Machine

My voice - surprisingly nasal. Here is a page of links, like a library of all the podcasts and recordings where I have been interviewed by, or talked with, someone else.General InterviewsThe Smart Party Interview - pre Silent TitansUdda ting with Henrik Möller - mainly about VotELoco Ludus - general gaming cultureThe Magniloquent Moth with Salinday, Part 1The Magniloquent Moth with Salinday, Part 2 - another pretty wide ranging talk.Single Subject DiscussionsThe Worm Ouroboros I talk with Tom Fitzgerald of 'Middenmurk' about the book, 'The Work Ouroboros'The Great Crystal Debate w Kiel Chenier. Crystals, good or bad? = BADPodecastsA series of conversations I had with ScrapPodecast OnePodecast Two - MonstersPodecast Three - BeautyPodecast Six - Bees!Podecast Five - Relateable Content!Podecast Six - The Wonderful Kererū

From Gilbert Whites 'The Natural History of Selbourne'Letters to Daines BarringtonLetter 27Selbourne, Dec 12, 1775Dear Sir, We had in this village more than twenty years ago an idiot-boy, whom I well remember, who, from a child, shewed a strong propensity to bees; they were his food, his amusement, his sole object. And as people of this cast have seldom more than one point in view, so this lad exerted all his few faculties on this one pursuit. In the winter he dozed away his time, within his fathers house, by the fire side, in a kind of torpid state, seldom departing from the chimney-corner; but in the summer he was all alert, and in quest of his game in the fields, and on sunny banks.Honey-bees, humble-bees, and wasps, were his prey wherever he found them; he had no apprehension from their stings, but would seize them nudis manibus [with bare hands], and at once disarm them of their weapons, and suck their bodies for the sake of their honey-bags. Sometimes he would fill his bosom between his shirt and his skin with a number of these captives; and sometimes would confine them in bottles.He was a very merops apiaster, or bee-bird; and very injurious to men that kept bees; for he would slide into their bee-gardens, and, sitting down before the stools, would rap with his finger on the hives, and so take the bees as they came out. He has been know to overturn hives for the sake of honey, of which he was passionately fond. Where methglin was making he would linger round the tubs and vessels, begging a draught of what he called bee-wine.As he ran about he used to make a humming noise with his lips, resembling the buzzing of bees. This lad was lean and sallow, and of a cadaverous complexion; and, except in his favourite pursuit, in which he was wonderfully adroit, discovered no manner of understanding. Had his capacity been better, and directed to the same object, he had perhaps abated much of our wonder at the feats of a more modern exhibitor of bees: and we may justly say of him now,Thou,Had they presiding star propitious shone,Should'st Wildman be...When a tall youth he was removed from hence to a distant village where he died, as I understand, before he arrived at manhood.I am, &c

I managed to sit down with Tom Fitzgerald of Middenmurk to talk about The Worm Ouroboros by E.R. Eddison for about an hour and twenty minutes.Click the image or here.Other Podecasts;Podecast 6 - The Wonderful KererūPodecast 5 - relate-able and insightful points about a variety of role playing related conversation thingsPodecast 4 - BeesPodecast Three - BeautyPodecast 2 - Scrap Princess Omega

It's been a long trip."Doe thou my weaker wit with skill inspire,Fot for this turne; and in my sable brestKindle fresh sparks of that immortal fire,Which learned minds inflameth with desireOf heavenly things:"This is the trial between Jove a Mutability to see what rules reality, change, or heavenly order.The judge is 'great dame Nature,"Being far greater and more tall of statureThen any of the gods or Powers on hie:Yet certes by her face and physnomy.Whether she man or woman inly were,That could not any creature well descry:For, with a veile that wimpled every where,Her head and face was hid, that mote to none appeare.That some doe say was by skill devized,To hide the terror of her uncouth hew,From mortall eyes that should be sore agrized;For that her face did like a Lion shew,That eye of wight could not undure to view:"..."This gread Grandmother of all creatures bredGreat Nature, ever young yet full of eld,Still mooving, yet unmoved from her sted;Unseene of any, yet of all beheld;"Mutability comes forth and begins her argument. The Earth 'only seems unmov'd and permanent';"Yet she is changed in part, and eek in generall.For, all that from her springs, and is ybredde,How-ever fayre it flourish for a time,Yet see we soone decay; and being dead,To turne again unto their earthly slime:Yet, out of their decay and mortall crime,We daily see new creatures to arize;And of their Winter spring another Prime,Unlike in forme, and chag'd by strange disguise:So turne they still about, and change in restlesse wise."She goes on, describing change in men;"Ne doe their bodies only flit and fly:But eeke their minds (which they immortall call)Still change and vary thoughts, as new occasions fall."Talks about the oceans and the air, and fire;"When any winde doth under heaven blowe;With which the coulds are also tost and roll'd;Now like great Hills, &, streight, like sluces, them unfold.""Thus, all these fower (the which the ground-work beeOf all the world, and of all living wights)To thousand sorts of Change we subject see:Yet are they chang'd (by other wondrous slights)Into themselves, and lose their native mights;The Fire to Aire, and th'Ayre to Water sheere,And Water into Earth: yet Water fightsWith Fire, and Aire with Earth approaching neere:Yet all are in one body, and as one appeare."As further proof, Mutability orders the seasons called forth, in sequence, as if they were courtiers. And then the individual months 'all riding came'.A few highlights;October is drunk, and riding a giant scorpion (they all ride horoscope animals);"Then came October full of merry glee:For, yet his noule was totty of the must,Which he was treading in the wine-fats see,And of the joyous oyle, whose gentle gustMade him so frollick and so full of lust:"November is a fatty;"Next was November, he full grosse and fat,As fed with alrd, and that right well might seeme;For, he had been a fatting hogs of late,That yet his browes with sweat, did reek and steem,And yet the season was full sharp and breem,In planting eeke he took no small delight:"December is chilly and riding a Goat, but happy as he contains Christmas;"And after him, came next the chill December:Yet he through merry feasting which he made,And great bonfires, did not the cold remember;His Saviours birth his mind so much did glad:Upon a shaggy-bearded Goat he rode,...And in his hand a broad deepe boawle he beares;Of which, he freely drinks an health to all his peeres."The winter months seem like pretty cool dudes really. And yes, that is exactly how Edmund spells 'boawle'.Then after the months come Day and Night, then the Hours, then Life and Death;"Death with most grim and griesly visage seene,Yet is he nought but parting of the breath:Ne ought to see, but like a shade to weene,Unbodied, unsoul'd, unheard, unseene."Jove agrees that everything under heaven does change, but can only change through Time, and that Time himself is kept in his course by the Gods;"To whom, thus Mutability: The thingsWhich we see not how they are mov'd and swayd,Ye may attribute to your selves as Kings,And say they by your secret powre are made:But what we see not, who shall us perswade?"Then she names all the Gods in turn and points out that they have births, origins, stories and that they do change in various ways."Onely the starrie skie doth still remaine:Yet do the Starres and Signes therein still move,And even itself is mov'd, as wizards saine.But all that moveth, doth mutation love:Therefore both you and them to me I subject prove."Everyone waits for Natures final verdict:"At length, she looking up with chearefull view,The silence brake, and gave her doome in speeches few.I welll consider all that ye have sayd,And find that all things stedfastnes doe hateAnd changed be: yet being rightly waydThey are not changed from their first estate;But by their change their being de dilate:And turning to themselves at length againe,Doe worke their owne perfection so by fate:Then over them Change doth not rule and raigne:But they raigne over change, and doe their states maintaine.Cease therefore daughter further to aspire,And thee content thus to be rul'd by me:For thy decay thou seekst by they desire;But time shall come that all shall changed bee,And from thenceforth, none no more change shall see."And that is the end of Canto Seven, and all that remains is the two verses of Canto Eight, Edmund speaking to us in his own voice, which I will give to you in full;Book SevenCANTO EIGHT"When I bethinke me on that speech whyleare,Of Mutability, and well it way:Me seemes, that though she all unworthy wereOf the Heav'ns Rule; yet very sooth to say,In all things else she beares the greatest sway.Which makes me loath this state of life so tickle,And love of things so vaine to cast away;Whose flowring pride, so fading and so fickle,Short Time shall soon cut down with his consuming sickle.Then gin I thinke on that which nature sayd,Of that same time when no more Change shall be,But stedfast rest of all things firmely staydUpon the pillours of Eternity,That is contrary to Mutabilitie:For, all that moveth, doth in Change delight:But thence-forth all shall rest eternallyWith Him that is the God of Sabbaoth hight:O that great Sabbaoth God, graunt me that Sabaoths sight.FINIS"Book EightPodcast

Get ready for a brief, and irregular, turn into Sandman/Anime high, HIGH Fantasy as Edmund takes us first, directly to the Moon, for Moon-War One, and then back to Ireland for more blather about his house getting burnt down."What man that sees the ever-whirling wheeleOf Change, the which all mortall things doth sway,But that therby doth find & plainly feele,How MVABILITY in them doth playHer cruell sports, to many mens decay?Which that to all may better yet appeare,I will rehearse that whylome I heard say,How she at first her selfe began to reare,Gainst all the Gods, and th'empire sought from them to beare."But who is Mutability, and whence came she?"She was, to weet, a daughter by descentOf those old Titans, that did whylome striveWith Saturnes sonne for heavens regiment."Women in Spenser are either super-good or super-evil, and you can guess which one is Mutability. She wants to first, rule the world, and then defeat the gods.Ruling earth is realtively simple and achieved by verse five;"For shee the face of earthly things so changed,That all the which Nature had establisht firstIn good estate, and in meet order ranged,She did pervert, and all their statutes burst:".."Ne shee the lawes of Nature onely brake,But eke of Justice, and of Policie;And wring of right, and bad of good did make,And death for life exchanged foolishlie:Since which, all living wights have learen'd to die,And all this world is woxen daily worse.O pittious worke of MVTABILITIE!By which, we are subject to that curse,And death in stead of life have sucked from our Nurse."Word conquest achieved, she makes straight for heaven. First stop; THE MOON."Thence, to the Circle of the Moone she clambe,Where Cynthia raignes in everlasting glory,"Passing by the silver gates of the bright shining palace, and their keeper, Time, Change comes upon Cynthia;"Her sitting on an Ivory throne shee found,Drawne of two steeds, th'one black, the other white,Environd with tenne thousand starres around,That duly her attended day and night;And by her side, there ran her Page, that hightVesper_, whom we the Evening-starre intend:That with his Torche, still twinkling like teylight,Her lightened all the way where she should wend,And joy to weary wandring traveilers did lend."Mutability instantly becomes envious of the Moons rich swag and glorious 'Crystall pillors';"Eftsoones she cast by force and tortious might,Her to displace, and to her selfe to have gainedThe kingdome of the Night, and waters by her wained.Boldly she bid the Godesse downe descend,And let her selfe into that ivory throne;For, shee her selfe more worthy thereof wend,And better able it to guide alone:Whether to men, whose fall she did bemone,Or unto Gods, whose state she did maligne,Or to th'infernall Powers, her need give loneOf her faire light, and bounty most benigne,Her selfe of all that rule shee deemed most condigne."The Moon is having none of this, she bears 'Nights burning lamp,' and 'with sterne countenaunce and disitainfull cheare, Bending her horned browes, did put her back:' and tells her to get out 'Or at her perill bide the wrathfull Thunders wrack.'Then it gets really, really Anime. Mutability 'rought forth her hand' to pluck Cynthia from her  Ivory Moon-Throne, and up-lifts her golden wand. The 'starres, which round about her blazed' and the Moons bright wagon stand amazed.On earth the lights go out in the sky and people start to freak, 'Fearing least Chaos_ broken had his chaine,'.And very quickly, Mercury (The Flash) runs to Joves Palace in 'heavens hight' to tell him whats going on.............................CUT TO: JOVES PALACE (INT) - ETERNAL NIGHT APPARENTLY"The father of the Gods when this he heard,Was troubled much at their so strange affrightDoubting least Typhon_ were againe uprear'd,Or other his old foes, that once him sorely fear'd."So he sends the Flash 'Downe to the Circle of the Moone' to find out whats going on and to stop it. If hellish, cast it down, if other, bring it here."The wing-foot God, so fast his plumes did beat,That soone he came where-as the TitanesseWas striving with faire Cynthia for her seat:At whose strange sight, and haughty hardinesse,He wondred much, and feared her no lesse.Yet laying feare aside to doe his charge,At last, he bade her (with bold stedfastnesse)Ceasse to molest the Moone to walk at large,Or come before high Jove, her dooings to discharge."The Flash even breaks out his 'snaky-wreathed Mace, whose awfull power Doth make both Gods and hellish fiends affraid:', but to no success as Mutability answers that she gives not two shits for him or Jove or anything else, she is going to go full-Killmonger on this joint.Agnes Miller ParkerSo the Flash runs back to Jove.Jove has his own opinions on people trying to overturn divine power;"Ye may remember since th'Earths cursed seedSought to assaile the heavens eternall towers,And to us all exceeding feare did breed:..Of that bad seed is this bold woman bred,That now with bold presumption doth aspireTo thrust faire Phoebe from her silver bed,And eke our selves from heavens high Empire,..So haveing said, he ceast: and with his brow(His black eye-brow, whose doomefull dreaded beckIs wont to wield the world unto his vow,And even the highest Powers of heaven to checkMade sign at them in their degrees to speake:"Before they can really get into it, Mutability herself arrives;"So forth she rose, and through the purest skyTo Joves high Palace straight cast to ascend,To prosecute her plot: Good on-set boads good end."Everyone fraks out, even Mutability freaks out because she has just burst into the country club and found the members quite heavily armed. Only rapey old Jove keeps his cool and asks her to lay that rap on him girl.She has a complex and slightly boring argument about the descent of Titans and how this technically makes her Queen.Jove is having none of this;"... With that, he shookeHis Nectar-deawed locks, with which the skyesAnd all the world beneath for terror quooke,And eft his burning levin-brond in hand he tooke."But then notices that she it hot;".. when he looked on her lovely face,In which, faire beames of beauty did appeare,That could the greatest wrath soone turne to grace(Such sway doth beauty even in Heaven beare)He staine his hand:"".. ceasse thy idle claime thou foolish gerle,And seeke by grace and goodnesse to obtaineThat place from which by folly Titan_ fell;There-to thou maist perhaps, if so thou faineHave Jove thy gratious Lord and Soveraigne."MVTABILITY is having none of this;".. thee, o Jove, no equall Judgee I deemeOf my desert, or of my dewfull Right;That in thine owne behalfe maist partiall seeme:But to the highest him, that is behightFather of Gods and men by equall might;To weet, the God of Nature, I appeale.There-at Jove wexed wroth, and in his sprightDid inly grudge, yet did it well conceale;And bade Dan Phoebus Scribe her Apellation seale."THATS WHERE HE'S BEEN. HE GOT A JOB AS JOVES SECRETARY.So the trial between Jove and MVITABILITY to see who is in charge is set, and arranged to take place on Arlo hill, in Ireland.Which means the rest of this Canto (about 40% of the whole thing) is an exhaustive descritpion of parts of Ireland, and how beautiful it is, and why its full of criminals and metaphorical wolves who burn people out of their homes.You may feel free to skip the rest of the Canto if you wish, the next one picks up at the tiral, and is the final, ultimate and last Canto of the Faerie Queene...........................................................".. were it not ill fitting for this file,To sing of hilles & woods, mongst warres and Knights,I would abate the sternenesse of my stile,Mongst these sterne sounds to mingle soft delights:"This is the mythical/allegorical history of a hill (Galymore to us).So, this was a place so wonderful that Diana would go there to bathe."In her sweet streames, Diana used oft(After her sweatie chace and toilsome play)To bathe her selfe; and after, on the softAnd downy grasse, her dainty limbes to lay"(I hope you have't forgotten Edmunds sweat fetish.)So a creepy Satyr/God fellow, Faunus, wants to spy on Diana washing off the sweat. He manages to corrupt a maid who tells him when Diana will be bathing. He successfully peeps, but;"There Faunus saw that pleased much his eye,And made his hart to tickle in his brest,that for great joy of some-what he did spy,He could him not containe in silent rest;But breaking forth in laughter, oud profestHis foolish thought. A foolish Faune indeed,That couldst not hold thy selfe so hidden blest,But wouldest needs thine owne conceit areed.Babblers unworthy been of so divine a meed."So Diana catches him, and we get this charming verse about her reaction;"Like as a huswife, that with busie careThinks of her Darie to make wondrous gaine,Finding where-as some wocked beast unwareThat breakes into her Dayr'house, there doth draineHer creaming pannes, and frustrate all her paine;Hath in some snare or gin set close behind,Entrapped him, and caught into her traine,Then thinkes what punishment were best assign'd,And thousand deathes deviseth in her vengefull mind:"Diana and her nymphs throw Faunus around a bit, they consider castrating or drowning him. Instead they dress him in a deer-skin and chase him till he drops.Its not exactly clear, but I think they stone the corrupted maid, Molassa, to death;"They, by commaund'ment of Diana thereHer whelm'd with stones."Faunus feels bad enough about this that he agrees to recieve her 'unto his bed' with her lover Fanchin, which, since he is a woody wood god means that they both get turned into rivers? So this is another Spencerian river-marriage story.Diana is still so angry about the situation that she leaves Ireland forever;"There-on an heavy haplesse curse did lay,To weet, that Wolves, where she was wont to space,Should harbour'd be, and all those Woods deface,And Thieves should rob and spoile that Coast around.Since wich, those Woods, and all that goodly Chase,Doth to

"Like as a ship, that through the Ocean wydeDirect her course unto one certain cost,Is met of many a counter winde and tyde,With which her winged speed is let and crost,And she her selfe in stormie surges tost;Yet making many a borde, and many a bay,Still winneth way, ne hath her compasse lost:Right so it fares with me in this long way,Whose course is often stayed, yet never is astray."It seemed pretty damn astray quite a bunch of times Edmund, but here we are indeed.Ben Jonson reported that when the Hugh O'Neill burnt Spenser out of his property, that one of his young children with Elizabeth Boyle died in the fire before they could escape.Its strange and fascinating to me how, as the wheel of history turns, the hero of one story inevitably becomes the villain of another, the monster the victim, the braggart a poet, and back again. It is no wonder to me that the Medieval Age was absorbed in the image of the Wheel of Fortune. It is simple concept, but often a true one, especially in an age of strife.Its impossible for me to not read all of the final parts of this book, the attack on the village, the capture and loss of Pastorell, and the nice happy reunion, and the final trapping of the Blatant Beast, as almost direct allegories of Spensers life.That may be wrong. And possibly he well-deserved every bad thing that happened to him. But I take no pleasure in it."Sir Calidore when thus he now had raughtFaire Pastorella from those Brigants powre,Unto the Castle of Belgard her brought,Whereof was Lord the good Sir Bellamoure;Who whylome was in his youthes freshest flowreAs lustie knight, as ever wielded speare,And had endured many a dreadfull stoureIn bloudy battell for a Ladie deare,The fayrest Ladie then of all that living were.Her name was Claribelle"From the notes;Belgard - French: 'beautiful love'Claribelle - French: 'bright beauty'Claribelles father was a wealth lord who wanted to marry her off to Picteland. She fell in love with Belgard and married him in secret. The dad was pissed enough to throw them both into a dungeon;"Yet did so streightly them a sunder keepe,That neither could to company of th'other creepe.Nathless Sir Bellamour, whether through graceOr secret guifts so with his keepers wrought,That to his love sometimes he came in place,Whereof her wombe unwist to wight was fraught,And in dew time a mayden child forth brought."This baby is given to a Maid to be taken away and adopted. The Maid goes off somewhere and hides behind some bushes unto a Shepheard (pooe Meliboe) who picks her up and takes her away.But not before noting that the baby has;"Upon the litle breast like christall bright,She mote percieve a litle purple mold,That like a rose her silken leaves did faire unfold."And eventually the bad dad dies and Bellamour and Claribelle end up in the castle;"Thenceforth they joy'd in happinesse together,And lived long in peace and love entyre,Without disquiet or dislike of ether,Till time that Calidore brought Pastorella thether."Of course they get along amazingly with the somehow-familiar Pastorell, until Calidore remembers that this is the last Canto and he only has about 30 verses left to catch the Blatant Beast.One day, Pastorellas maid, while dressing her;"Chaunst to espy upon her yvory chestThe rosie marke, which she remembered wellThat litle Infant had, which forth she kest,The daughter of her Lady Claribell,".."So full of joy, streight forth she ran in hastUnto her mistresse,"....The sober mother seeing such her mood,Yet knowing not, what meant that sodane thro,Askt her, how mote her words be understood,And what the matter was, that mov'd her so.My liefe (sayd she) ye know, that long ygo,Whilest ye in durance dwelt, ye to me gaveA little mayde, the which ye shylded tho;The same againe if now ye list to have,The same is yonder Lady, whom high God did save."..."The matrone stayd no lenger to enquire,But forth in hast ran to the straunger Mayd;Whom catching greedily for great desire,Rent up her brest, and bosome open layd,In which that rose she plainely saw displayd.That her embracing twixt her armes twaine,She long so held, and softly weeping sayd;And livest thou my daughter now againe?And art thou yet alive, whom dead I long did faine?Who ever is the mother of one chylde,Which having thought long dead, she fyndes alive,Let her by proofe of that, which she hath fyldeIn her owne breast, this mothers joy descrive:For other none such passion can contriveIn prefect forme, as this good Lady felt,When she so faire a daughter saw survive,As Pastorella was, that night she sweltFor passing joy, which did all into pitty melt."And I think that is where we can leave that.......................................................Now to the Beast.The Beast is having a great old time, it has broken into a monestary;"Through which the Mockes he chaced here & there,And them purdu'd into their dortours sad,And searched all their cells and secrets neare;In which what filth and ordure did appeare,Were yrksome to report;"Protestant England really fucking hates monks.The Beast sees Calidore coming and, as usual, runs for it. BUT;"Him in a narrow place he overtooke,And fierce assailing forst him turne againe:Sternely he turned againe, when he him strookeWith his sarp steele, and ran at him amaineWith open mouth, that seemed to containeA full good pecke within the utmost brim,All set with yron teeth in raunges twaine,That terrified his foes, and armed him,Appearing like the mouth of Orcus griesly grim.I think the Blatant Beast is the first known usage of 'Blatant'. So it may please you to think that when you use that word you are referring to this many-tonged beast.And therein were a thousand tongs empight,Of sundry kindes, and sundry quality,Some were of dogs, that barked day and night,And some of cats, that wrawling still did cry:And some of Beares, that groynd continually,And some of Tygres, that did seeme to gren,And snar at all, that ever passed by:But most of them were tongues of mortall men,Which spake reprochfully, not caring where nor when.And them amongst were mingled here and there,The tongues of Serpents with three forked stings,That spat out poyson and gore bloudy gereAt all, that came within his ravenings,And spake licentious words, and hatefull thingsOf good and bad alike, of low and hie;Ne Kasars spared he a whit, nor Kings,But either blotted them with infamie,Or bit them with his banefull teeth of injury."Calidore, 'no whit afrayd' Recounters with 'impetuous might'.The Beast spits poison from his bloody jaws and rears up 'As if he would have rent him with his cruell clawes.'Agnes MillerCalidore throws his shield forwards and 'Putting his puissaunce forth' pushes so hard that he forces the Beast to fall back and presses the shield into it."Full cruelly the Beast did rage and rore,To be downe held, and maystred so with might,"Calidore still presses on;This Canto is almost the story of how Man first defeated the Internet"Tho when the Beast saw, he mote nought availe,By force, he gan his hundred tongues apply,And sharpely at him to revile and raile,With bitter termes of shamefull infamy;Oft interlacing many a forged lie,Whose like he never once did speake, nor heare,Nor ever through thing so unworthily:Yet did he nought for all that him forbeare,But strained him so streightly, that he chokt him neare."Eventually Calidore breaks its will, muzzels it and chains it 'with surest yron';"And like a fearefull dog him followed through the land."And so ends the quest of Sir Calidore.Book Six Canto TwelvePodcastAnd only much, much later does the Beast again get free."Untill that, whether wicked fate so framed,Or fault of men, he broke his yron chaine,And got into the world at liberty againe.""So now he raungeth through the world againe,And rageth sore in each degree and state;Ne any is, that may him now restraine,He growen is so great and string of late,barking and biting all that him doe bate,Albe they worthy blame, or cleare of crime:Ne spareth he most learned wits to rate,Ne spareth he the gentle Poets rime,But rends without regard of person or of time."And that, indeed, could not be a more fit ending to the Faerie Queene.The end though, it is not. Two lost Cantos remain. Numbers six and seven of 'Mutabilitie', the DVD extras of Spensers rime.So two days more. But after that we will, indeed, be done for good.

Considering how unutterably terrible most penultimate Canto's are, this isn't that bad. Pretty good even.Calidore still does fuck all to pursue the Blatant Beast, but that's because he has a lot of action-movie crap to get involved with.This stuff does actually happen in this Canto."The joyes of love,if they whould ever last,Without affliction of disquietnesse,That worldly chaunces doe amongst them cast,Would be on earth too great a blessednesse,Liker to heaven, then mortall wretchednesse.Therefore the winged God, to let men weet,That here on earth is no sure happinesse,A thousand sowres hath tempred with one sweet,To make it seeme more deare and dainty, as is meet."Pastorell is in a baaad situation, 'Wrapt in wretched cares and hearts unrest', abducted and held in a cave complex by 'Brigants'. Luckily ("luckily") for her, the Boss Briagant is into her 'And inly burnt with flames most raging whot,';"And sought her love, by all the means he mote;With looks, with words, with gifts he oft her wowed:And mixed threats among, and much unto her vowed."Pastorella is not into this guy but eventually;"She thought it best, for shadow to pretendSome shew of favour, by him gracing small,That she thereby mote either freely wend,Or at more ease continue there his thrall:A little well is lent, that gaineth more withall."This goes on for a while, with Pastorella pretending (or half-pretending, she is pretty messed up) sickness, until a new element enters. Something we haven't seen before. Slave traders;"During which space that she thus sicke did lie,It chaunst a sort of merchants, which were woundTo skin those coastes, for bondmen there to buy,And by such trafficke after gaines to hunt,Arrived in this Isle though bare and blunt,T'inquire for slaves; where being readie metBy some of these same theeves at the instant brunt,Were brought unto their Captaine, who was setBy his faire patients side with sorrowful regret."This is curious and interesting on a number of levels. First, I think this is around the nascent beginnings of the Anglo-African slave trade, with the Royal African Company (Sir John Hawkins was just kicking off the proto slave-trade at the time of the Faerie Queene) and also, at the same time, being preyed upon by Barbary Corsairs who will just turn up on the European coast and yank whole villages (seems this was just about to start).And on a fictional level, because, now there are slavers in Faerie? Who are they trading, and to where? Does the Faerie Queene know about this? Is she in charge of it? Are there pseudo-Muslim 'Panyim' or 'Saracen' slave traders preying on the Faerie Queenes fairies while her guys do the same to them?Anyway, these slavers look at the captives from Pastorellas village, but someone mentions Pastorella herself. The Captain is not happy about this but brings her out;"The sight of whom, though now decayd and mard,And eke but hardly seene by candle-light,Yet like a Diamond of rich regard,In doubtfull shadow of the darkesome night,With starrie beames about her shining bright,These matchants fixed eyes did so amaze,That what through wonder, & what through delight,A while on her they greedily did gaze,And did her greatly like, and did her greatly praize.""But then the Captaine fraught with more displeasure,Bad them be still, his love should not be sold:The rest take if they would, he her to him would hold."Even amongst Brigants, Faerie Queene logic holds up. Everything is about romance. Women are the lock on, and justification for, violence."Thus as they words amongst them multiply,They fall to strokes, the frute of too much talke,And the mad steele about doth fiercely fly,""Like as a sort of hungry dogs yemtAbout some carcase by the common way,Doe fall together, stryving each to getThe greatest portion of the greedie pray;All on confused heapes themselves assay,And snatch and byte, and red, and tug, and teare;That who them sees, would wonder at their fray,And who sees not, would be affrayd to heare.Such was the conflict of those cruell Brigants there."Melioboe and all of the other villagers are killed 'Least they should joyne against the weaker side,' Coridon, the alternate beta-male suitor for Pastorella, manages to escape in the dark and Pastorella herself is held in the arms of the Brigant Captain as he dies and 'fell down with him in drerie';"There lay she covered with confused preasseOf carcases, which dying on her fell."When the fighting is done,the Brigants look around;"And lighting candles new, gan search anone,How many of their friends were slaine, how many fone.Their Captaine there they cruelly found kild,And in his armes the dreary dying mayd,Like a sweet Angell twixt two clouds uphild:Her lovely light was dimmed and decayd,With cloud of death upon her eyes displayd;Yet did the cloud make even that dimmed lightSeeme much more lovely in that darknesse layd,And twixt the twinckling of her eye-lids bright,To sparkle out litle beames, like starres in foggie night.""So leave we her in wretched thraldome bound,And turne we backe to Calidore, where we him found."Almost certainly the most useless Knight in the whole of the story so far. Ignores Serene when the Blatant Beast spews her up, doesn't then pursue the Blatant Beast but hangs out in a village trying to nice-guy some chick, and when the brigants come hes off perving on metatextual nymphs. Even Arhthegall was at least an effective genocide machine.Well he gets back to find everything fucked up and does all the standard behaviours; 'wexed wood', chauft' 'griev'd' 'fretted' 'And fared like a furious wyld Beare, Whose whelpes are stolne away, she being otherwhere.'He searches the woods and plaines but can find neither the shepherds nor their flocks, until eventually;"He chaunst one comming towards him to spy,That seem'd to be some sorie simple clowne,With ragged weedes, and lockes upstaring hye,"Its Coridon who blathers out the whole terrible story about Pastorell probably being dead and everyone else almost certainly being dead. There's quite a few verses of emoting and despair before Calidore bribes/threatens/praises Coridon into showing him the way there, and they approach the Brigants den dressed both as Shepherds.They find the villiages flocks on a hillside (I thought this place was on an island?) and the Brigants asleep alongside them;"Whom Coridon him counseld to invadeNow all unwares, and take the spoyle away;But he, that in his mind had closely madeA further purpose, would not so them slay,But gently waking them, gave them the time of day."Calidore and Coridon pretend to be runaway shepherds looking for new work and chat to the Brigants, learning the news about Pastorell. Eventually they have learnt enough and while the Brigants are asleep, Calidore acquires a sword 'of meanest sort' and raids the cave like a computer-game hero.By which I mean he tries to be stealthy to begin with, fucks that up, then just starts slaughtering people, then eventually just uses his superior hp to tank the bad guys and wades through them."When to the Cave they came, they found it fast:But Calidore with huge resistlesse mightThe dores assayled, and the locks upbrast.With noyse whereof the theefe awaking light,Unto the entrance ran: where the bold knightEncountring him with small resistance slew:"Stealth mode = DEACTIVATEDHe finds Pastrorell;"Her gentle hart, that no long season pastHad never joyance felt, not chearefull thought,Began some smacke of comfort new to tast,Like lyfull heat to nummed senses brought,And life to feele, that long for death had sought:"The Brigants come 'flocking in great store';"But Calidore_ in th'entry close did stand,And entertayning them with courage stout,Still slew the foremost, that came first to hand,So long till all the entry was with bodies mand."Eventually he is effectively surrounded by a fortress of bodies so no others can get close. Then waits till daylight, grabs a better sword and, presumably, kicks his way through the body-pile to the outside where he finds all the other remaining Brigants;"Where all the rest for him did readie stay,And fierce assayling him, with all their mightGan all upon him lay: there gan a dreadfull fight.""How many flyes in whottest sommers dayDo sieze upon some beast, whose flesh is bare,That all the place with swarmes do overlay,And with their litle stings right felly fare;So many theeves about him swarming are,All which do him assayle on every side,And sore appresse, ne any him doth spare:But he doth with his raging brond divideTheir thickest troups, & round about him scattreth wide."The bad guys die. Calidore takes their treasure and gives Coridon all the remaining flocks;"Then backe returning to his dearest deare,He her gan to recomfort, all he might,With gladfull speaches, and with lovely cheare,And forth her bringing to the joyous light,Whereof she long had lackt the wishfull sight,Seviz'd all goodly meanes, from her to driveThe sad remembrance of her wretched plight.So her uneath at last he did revive,That long had lyen ddead, and made againe alive."Book Six Canto ElevenPodcast

So, there's an Edmund Spenser extended universe, and a meta-textual version of Edmund Spenser is a character in the extended Spenserverse.This character is called 'Colin Clout'. Hes an amusingly ("amusingly") rustic type, and the narrator of a poem Spenser wrote, apparently about his visit to London and what happened there, and he was referenced in Canto 9 as someone whose songs are popular with shepheards.And Colin Clout turns up in this book to talk to Calidore about the end of the Poem. Which is weird as shit.You thought the war crimes stuff was as strange as it was going to get. Nope, he's pulling an 'Animal Man' to explain why the poems ending early.And there are naked girls.And then more plot.Ok, lets go!.............................."Who now does follow the foule Blatant Beast,Whilest Calidore does follow that faire Mayd,Unmyndfull of his vow and high beheast,Which by the Faery Queene was on him layd,"The Faerie Queene should know by now that Knights do little else but fuck up and fuck about, achieving their quests either too early or too late.Calidore is simply wandering around at this point, when he comes upon a magic place;"It was an hill plaste in an open plaine,That round about was bordered with a woodOf matchlesse hight, that seem'd the'earth to disdaine,In which all trees of honour stately stood,And did all winder as in sommer bud,Spredding pavilions for the birds to bowre,Which in their lower braunches sung aloud;And in their tops the soring hauke did towre,Sitting like King of fowles in majesty and powre."There is also a 'gentle flud' which 'wylde beastes' and 'the ruder clowne' will not approach, but instead you get nymphs and faries and all that shit. There is a plain on top of the mountain and Venus comes here for her holidays which explains why the whole place is so great."Unto this place when as the Elfin KnightApprocht, him seemed that the merry soundOf a shrill pipe he playing heard on hight,And many feete fast thumping th'hollow ground,That through the woods their Eccho did rebound."So Claidore hangs around being a little creep, and sees a bunch of hot naked dames;"An hundred naked maidens lilly white,All raunged in a ring, and dauncing in delight.All they without were raunged in a ring,And daunced round; but in the midst of themThree other Ladies did both daunce and sing,The whilest the rest them round about did hemme,And like a girlond did in compasse stemme;And in the middest of those same three, was placedAnother Damzell, as a precious gemme,"...."Those were the Graces, daughters of delight,.... But that faire one,That in the midst was placed paravaunt,Was she to whom that shepheard pypt alone,That made him pipe so merrily, as never none."According to the notes the Graces are a mixture of classical dames and christian virtues. The girl in the middle, making the piper pipe is, according to the penguin editor, a kind of meta-Elizabeth combining Spensers three Elizabeth, his mum, his wife Elizabeth Boyle, and his Queen Elizabeth R."She was to weete that jolly Shepheards lasse,Which piped there unto that merry rout,That jolly shepheard, which there piped, wasPoore Colin Clout (Who knowes not Colin Clout?)He pypt apace, whilest they him daunst about.Pype jolly shepheard, pype thou now apaceUnto thy love, that made thee low to lout;Thy love is present there with thee in place,Thy love is there advaunst to be another Grace."Calidore stands there perving for a but, but as soon as he blunders in, they disappear;"And cleane were gone, which way he never knew;All save the shepheard, who for fell despightOf that displeasure, broke his bag-pipe quight,And made great mone for that unhappy turne."Firstly, I was not imagining those hot dames dancing to bagpipes. Secondly, the Faerie Queene is interrupted by one of the characters from the Faerie Queene. I have no idea what that means.Colin is somewhat pissed that his dames are gone and explains to Calidore who they were. Chicks who hang out with Venus and the daughters of Jove;"These three on men all gracious gifts bestow,Which decke the body or adorne the mynde,To make them lovely or well favoured show,As comely carriage, entertainement kynde,Sweete semblaunt, friendly offices that bynde,And all the complements of curtesie:They teach us, how to each degree and kyndeWe should our selves demeane, to low, to hie;To friends, to foes, which skill men call Civility.""But what so sure she was, she worthy was,To be the fourth with those three other placed:Yet was she certes but a country lasse,Yet she all other countrey lasses farre did passe."Then a few verses about how great she is."That all her peres cannot with her compare,But quite are dimmed, when she is in place.She made me often pipe and now to pipe apace.Sunne of the world, great glory of the sky,That all the earth doest lighten with thy rayes,Great Gloriana, greatest Majesty,Pardon thy shepheard, mongst so many layes,As he hath sung of thee in all his dayes,To make one minime of thy poore handmayde,And underneath thy feete to place her prayse,That when they glory shall be farre displayedTo future age of her this mention may be made."I think this girl is mainly Elizabeth Boyle.Calidore and Colin stay there talking for a while, but Calidores 'envenimd sting' begins to 'rancle sore,' meaning he wants to get back with Pastorell;"To his wounds worker, that with lovely dartDinting his brest, had bred his restlesse paine,Like as the wounded Whale to shore flies from the maine."................................So Calidore takes his leave of Colin Clout and goes back to not chasing the Blatant Beast and in fact trying to nice-guy Pastorell;"To whom in sort, as he at first begonne,He daily did apply him selfe to donne,All dewfull service voide of thoughts impure"This is a lie. As show in later verse he is hanging around technically not trying to bone her but being so fucking courteous that eventually she just has to fuck him.He is aided in this by an unexpected Lion attack. Pastorells other, crappy suitor runs away, but of course Calidore is a Spenserian hero;"He had no weapon, but his shepheards hooke,To serve the vengeaunce of his wrathfull will,With which so sternele he the monster strooke,That to the ground astonished he fell;"This seems to do the trick;"So well he woo'd her, and so well he wrought her,With humble service, and with daily sute,That at the last unto his will he brought her;Which he so wisely well did prosecute,That of his love he reapt the timely fruit,And joyed long in close felicity:"CREEEEEEEEEEP.Of course, no somewhat-icky but stable situation can last in the Faerie Queene so roll out the remainder of the Frank Frazetta extras from Canto Eight!".. A lawlesse people, Brigants hight of yore,That never usde to live by plough nor spade,But fed on spoile and booty, which they madeUpon their neighbours, which did night them border,The dwelling of these shepheards did invade,And spoyld their houses, and them selve did murder;And drove away their flocks, with other much disorder."These guys raid Pastorells village while Calidore is away, and steal her and all the other named NPC's, taking them to their cool-sounding hideout;"Their dwelling in a little Island was,Covered with shrubby woods, in which no wayAppeared for people in nor out to pas,Nor any footing fynde for overgrowen gras.For underneath the ground their way was made,Through hollow caves, that no man mote discoverFor the thicke shrubs, which did them alwaies shadeFrom view of living wight, and covered over:But darkenesse dred and daily night did hoverThrough all the inner parts, wherein they dwelt.Ne lighted was with windwo, nor with lover, (louer?)But with continuall candleight, which deltA doubtfull sense of things, now so well seene, as felt."Book Six Canto TenPodcast

"Now turne againe my teme thou jolly swayne,Backe to the furrow which I lately left;I lately left a furrow, one or twayneUnplough'd, the which my coulter hath not cleft:Yet seem'd the soyle both fayre and frutefull eft,As I it past, that were too great a shame,That so rich frute should be from us bereft;Besides the great dishonour and defame,Which should befall the Calidores immortal name."Yes! Remember Calidore? The guy this Book is meant to be about, how he chased and fought the Blatant Beast and how the last thing we saw from him was him ignoring a wounded woman to dash into the forest after that self-same creature?Well don't worry, because Calidore is about to leap back into action, he is focused, he is calm and absolutely nothing on earth is going to stop him from completely ignoring the Blatant Beast and spending a few weeks trying to bone a hot shepardess.This does not happen in this CantoSo Calidore has been wandering 'Through hils, through dales, throgh forests, & through plaines;"Him first from court he to the citties coursed,And from the citties to the townes him prest,And from the townes into the countrie forsed,And from the country back to private farms he scoursed."The agricultural hinterland, a place rare indeed to visit in adventure fiction."From thence into the open fields he fled,""... to the folds, where sheepe at night do seat,And to the litle cots, where shepheards lieIn winters wrathfull time, he forced him to flie."But its not winters wrathfull time now, but chillout season and Calidore sees some shepherds 'Playing on pipes, and caroling apace,' and stops to ask them about the Blatant Beast. They know nothing about that but do offer him a drink;"The knight was nothing nice, where was no need,And tooke their gentle offer: so adowneThey prayd him sit, and gave him for to feedSuch homely what, as serves the simple clowne,That doth despise the dainties of the towne."But look out Calidore, because here comes the ultimate challenge to all knights; female hotness;".. a faire damizell, which did weare a crowneOf sundry flowres, wtih silken ribbands tyde,Yclad in home-made greene that her owne hands had dyde.".."And soothly she was full fayre of face,And perfectly well shapt in every lim,Which she did more augment with modest grace,And comely carriage of her count'nance trim,That all the rest like letter lamps did dim:"This is Patorella. She is not into any of the swains who are into her, although, not in the bad friendzone way that means she could be divinely punished, but in an honourable way, somehow.Calidore is, of course;".. unwares surprisd in subtile bandsOf the blynd boy, ne thence could be redeemedBy any skill out of his cruell hands,Caught like the bird, which gazing still on others stands."(Apparently you can catch larks in a net while someone holds a hawk nearby as they will just freak out and fixate on the raptor and go into the net. You can also catch them by fascinating them with pieces of glass.)Calidore keeps making up excuses to not leave, 'discoursing diversly' until;".. the moystie night approaching fast,Her dewy humour gan on th'earth to shed,That warn'd the shepheards to their homes to lastFor feare of wetting them before their bed:"So Pastorells dad comes along to take her home, this is on old greybeard called Meliboee who found her one day in a field and adopted her (third abandoned/adopted/wild baby in this book along - the Salvage Man, the baby in the bears mouth and now this, WTF is going on with parenting in this part of Faerie?)Since Calidore is alone and its getting dark, Meliboee invites him home, where they have dinner and talk about pastoral happiness;"Hoe much (sayd he) more happie is the state,In which ye father here doe dwell at ease,Leading a life so free and fortunate,From all the tempests of these wordly seas,Which toss the rest in daungerous disease?Where warres, and wreckes, and wicked emniteDoe them afflict, which no man can appease,That certes I your happinesse envie,And wish my lot were plast in such felicitie."Meliboee agrees that the pastoral thing is pretty fucking great;".. having small, yet doe I not complaineBut doe my selfe, with that I have, content;So tought of nature, which doth litle needOf forreine helpes to lifes due nourishment:""Therefore I doe not any one envy,Nor am envyde of any one therefore;They that have much, feare much to lose thereby,And store of cares do follow riches store.""To them, that list, the worlds gay showes I leave,And to great ones such follies doe forgive,Which oft through ambition pride do their owne perill weave,And through ambition downe themselves doe driveTo sad decay, that might contented live.""Sometimes I hunt the Fox, the vowed foeUnto my Lambes, and him dislodge away;Sometimes the fawne I practice from the Doe,Or from the Goat her kidde how to convay;Another while I baytes and nets display,The birds to catch, or fishes to beguyle:And when I wearie am, I downe do layMy limbes in every shade, to rest from toyle,And drinke of every brooke, when thirst my throte doth boyle."And there's a lot more about how great it is to be a low-level agricultural worker in a world where you don't have to worry about your own expanding family's needs, trouble from landlords, rent, taxes, feudal lords, demands, environmental degradation, plague and where there is always enough land of just the right temperate kind and for some reason no-one was already living on it that you had to murder to get it."Whylest thus he talkt, the knight with greedy eareHong still upon his melting mouth attent;Whose sensefull words empierst his hart so neare,That he was rapt with double ravishment,Both of his speach that wrought him great content,And also of the object of his vew,On which his hungry eye was alwayes bent;That twixt his pleasing tongue, and her faire hew,He lost himselfe, and like one halfe entraunced grew."I think maybe this Canto is partly about Spenser not really wanting to write the Faerie Queene any more?Calidore is deeply persuaded of the shephards speech;".. Now surely syre, I find,That all this worlds gay showes, which we admire,Be but vaine shadowes to this safe retyreOf life, which here in lowlinesse ye lead,Fearlesse of foes, or fortunes wrackfull yre,Which tosseth states, and under foot doth treadThe mightie ones, affrayd of every chaunges dred."It's only now that I realise that Spensers obsession with those Irish prisoners he ordered killed, is possibly mirrored in Elizabeths execution of Mary. The woman had (relative to your view of 'had') to kill her own sister to preserve the state. So they are all bound together, up and down the line, by similar circumstance.But Meliboe disagrees with this desired change of station in these verses which prefigure Shakespeare (though they are probably just both ripping off the some other guy);"In vaine (said then old Meliboe) doe menThe heavens of their fortunes fault accuse,Sith they know best, what is the best for them:For they to each such fortune doth diffuse,As they doe know each can most aptly use.For not that, which men covet most, is best,Nor that thing worst, which men do most refuse;But fittest is, that all contented restWith that they hold: each hath his fortune in his brest.It is the mynd, that maketh good or ill,That maketh wretch or happie, rich or poore:For some, that hath abundance at his will,Hath not enough, but wants in greatest store;And other, that hath litle, askes no more,But in that litle is both rich and wise.For wisdome is most riches; fooles thereforeThey are, which fortunes dow by vowes devize,Sith each unto himselfe his life may fortunize."A slightly less relentelssly authoritarian version of Arthegalls argument to the Giant Hugo Chavez who was going to level everything. You just have to deal with the shit that is handed to you.He does, however, allow Calidore to hang around in the pastoral paradise with Pastorella (there is an awkward point where Calidore offers him money which, of course, in these circumstances, he should never do. And which reminds me of my dads description of the builders and workmen he met in Andalucia, who, when the time came to exchange money, would put on a kind of performance of high and grand masculinity, as if money was merely a minor element of that meeting).Calidore doffs his bright armes' and hangs around being a shepheard, impressing everyone with what a great guy he is, helping with the sheep and 'In his strong hand their rugged teats to hold, And out of them to presse the milke: love so much could.'There is some buisness with a shepheard called Coridon, who is into Pastorell and generally fucked-off with Calidore and his slumming-it 1%-er bullshit.Coridon semi-challenges Calidore in dancing and wrestling but Calidore is not only better at everything but Courteous as FUCK;"Thus did the gentle knight himself abeareAmongst that rusticke rout in all his deeds,That even they, the which his rivals were,Could not maligne him, but commend him needs:For courtesie amongst the rudest breedsGood will and favour. So it surely wroughtWith this faire Mayd, and in her mynde the seedsOf perfect love did sow, that last forth broughtThe fruite of joy and blisse, though long time dearely bought."Book Six Canto NinePodcast

A strange long Canto. The first half deals with the Mirabella situation, the second half is a really creepy, pervy, sexy, violent not-specifically-racist but still racist-feeling Robert E. Howard short story.These two things do not go together. They are, however, both quite fun.Lets begin;(I'm just going to bomb through a lot of this as its 50 verses long.)"Ye gentle Ladies, in whose soveraine powreLove hath the glory of his kingdom left,And th'hearts of men, as your eternall dowre,In yron chaines, of liberty bereft,Delivered hath into your hands by gift;Be well aware, how ye the same doe use,That pride doe not to tyrrany you lift;Least if men you of cruelty accuse,He from you take that chiefdome, which ye doe abuse."ehMirabella feels very sad aboout Tiamas being tied up. Lucky for you Mirabella, you are about to run into Prince Arthur (the original) and he is not only a verifiable super-hero, but he's really into that squire.Arthur is with Sir Enias, the Knight who's friend he killed a Canto back and who he has instantly redeemed from being a dirtbag just by hanging out with him, because Arthur practically gives off Pure Chivalric Radiation, if he bites you you gain all the powers of a Knight.Tiamas is too ashamed of his situation to even look up but Enias doesn't like what he sees;".. See you Sir Knight,The greatest shame that ever eye yet saw?Yond Lady and her Squire with foule despightAbusde, against all reason and all law,Without regard of pitty or of awe?"So he starts a pretty awesome fight scene, beginning with some excellent chivalric smack talk;"Abide ye caytive treachetours untrew,That have with treason thralld unto youThese two, unworthy of your wretched bands;And now your crime with cruelty pursew.Abide, and from them lay your loathly hands;Or else abide the death, that hard before you stands.The villaine stayd not aunswer to invent,But with his yron club preparing way,His mindes sad message backe unto him sent:"I love this shit.Enias manages to slip past the strike and 'with his sharpe sword he fiercely at him flew' and draws blood. But unfortunately, first blood in Spenser only pisses off the receiver and gives them extra hit points and the gyant hits him so hard that;"He driven was to ground in self despight;From whence ere he recovery could gaine,he in his necke had set his foote with fell disdaine."And then he gets bound up right alongside Tiamas. Arthur, of course, is not happy about this, and attacks himself. Distain counters with an anime weapon-spinning display;"The villaine leaving him unto his mate,To be capti'd, and hadled as he list,Himselfe addrest unto this new debate,And with his club him all about so blist,That he which way to turne him scarcely wist:Sometimes aloft he layd, sometimes alow;Now here, now there, and oft him neare he mist;So doubtfully, that hardly one could knowWhether more wary were to give or ward the blow."Arthur is too fly to fall for this and eventually Distain decides to go for the old Spencerian/Anime standby - the fight-ending super-mega-strike."His dreadfull hand he heaved up aloft,And with his dreadfull instrument of yre,Through sure have pownded him to powder soft,Or deep embowled in the earth entyre:"Wait for it.."But Fortune did not with his will conspire."Arthur ducks underneath 'And smote him on the knee, that never yet was bent.'"It never yet was bent, ne bent it now,Albe the stroke so strong and pussiant were,That seem'd a marble pillour it could bow,But all that leg, which did his body beare,It crackt throughout, yet did no bloud appeare;"I think this means that Distain is so distainful that he can't kneel, or even bend his knee, as in submit to someone, ever.Still, he cannot stand, and Arthur rushes in for a decapitaion strike. But Mirabelle cries out;"Slay not that Carle, though worthy to be slaine:For more on him doth then him selfe depend;My life will by his death have lamentable end."Dun dun duuuuunnnn."Then bursting forth in teares, which gushed fastLike many water streames, a while she stayd;Till the sharpe passion being overpast,Her tongue to her restord,"Then we get the story. Arthur is unsympathetic. We get some stuff about the ladies previously unmentioned bottle and wallet being for her tears and her repentance respectively.Distain gets up, helped by the Fool;"But being up. He lookt againe aloft,As if he never had received fall;And with sterne eye-browes stared at him oft,As if he would have daunted him with all:And standing on his tiptoes, to seeme tall,Downe on his golden feet he often gazed,As if such pride the other could apall;Who was so far from being ought amazed,That he his lookes despised, and his boast dispraized."I just love Distain in any of his incarnations.Arthur lets the captives go, including Tiamas;"It was his owne true groome, the gentle Squire,He thereat wext exceedingly astound,And him did oft embrace, and oft admire,Ne could with seeing satisfie his great desire."I mean come the fuck on.The Salvage Man sees the 'huge great foole opressing th'other Knight,' and"He flew upon him like a greedy kightUnto some carrion offered to his sight,And downe him plucking, with his nayles and teethGan him to hale, and teare, and scratch, and bite:And from him taking his owne whip, therewithSo sore him scourgeth, that the bloud downe followeth."Mirabella drags him off the Scorne-Fool and tells Arthur that she has to complete her quest before she can be free and that this quest involves these two ding-dongs."But Arthure with the rest, went onward stillOn his first quest, in which did him betideA great adventure, which did him from them devide."And that's the last we will see of Arthur in this book and in the Faerie Queene. Wandering off with Tiamas, Enias and his Salvage Man. Wave goodbye everybody...........................Now shit gets freaky;What has happened to Serena? Well, on seeing Tiams get teken down and tied up by the supporting cast of a Spawn comic, she has 'fled fast away, afeared Of villany to be to her inferd:'"So fresh the image of her former dread,Yet dwelling in her eye, to her appeared,That every foote did tremble, which did tread,And every body two, and two she foure did read."She flees 'Through hills & dales, through bushes & through breres' and alights from her horse, sits down, and, not unreasonably; 'her selfe a while bethought Of her long travell and turmoyling paine; And often did of love, and oft of lucke complaine.'"And evermove she blamed Calepine," untill eventually she falls asleep. And of course things are about to get worse for Serena."In those wylde deserts, where she now abode,There dwelt a slavage nation, which did liveOf stealth and spoile, and making nightly rodeInto their neighbours borders; ne did giveThem selves to any trade, as for to driveThe painfull plough, or catell for to breed,Or by adventrous marchandize to thrive;But on the labours of poore men to feed,And serve their owne necessities with others need.Thereto they usde one most accursed order,To eate the flesh of men, whom they mote fynde,And straungers to devoure, which on their borderWere brought be error, or by wreckfull wynde.A monstrous cruelty gainst course of kynde."So non-agricultural, non-producing thieves, raiders and cannibals. It's interesting to see this negative-image of positive civilisation in its popular culture proto-form (and, as a dirtbag 21stC extruded cultural product I do find the Faerie Queene more interesting as popular culture than as high culture)."Soone as they spide her, Lord what gladfull gleeThey made amongst them selves; but when her faceLike the faire yvory shining they did see,Each gan his fellow solace and embrace,For joy of such good hap by heavenly grace.Then gan they to devize what course to take:Whether to slay her there upon the place,Or suffer her out of her sleepe to wake,And then her eate attonce; or many meales to make."Eventually they decide to let her sleep to keep the meat tender, then sacrifice her to their God and 'make a common feast' of her."So round about her they them selves did placeUpon the grazze, and diversely dispose,As each thought best to spend the lingring space.Some with their eyes the daintest morsels chose;Some praise her paps, some praise her lips and nose;Some whet their knives, and strip their elbows bare:The Priest him selfe a garland doth composeOf finest flowres, and with full busie careHis bloudy vessels wash; and holy fire prepare."Eventually Serena wakes up, sees whats going on, screams 'where none is nigh to heare, that will her rew' and 'rends her golden locks, and snowy brests embrew'.If you were disliking the creep levels so far, stop reading now."But all bootes not: they hands upon her lay;And first they spoile her of her jewls deare,And afterwards of all her rich array;The which amongst them they in peeces teare,And of the pray each one a part doth beare.Now being naked, to their sordid eyesThe goodly threasures of nature appeare:Which as they view with lustfull fantasyes,Each wisheth to him selfe, and to the rest envyes.Her yvorie necke, her alabaster brest,Her paps, which like white silken pillowes were,For love in soft delight thereon to rest;Her tender sides, her bellie white and clere,Which like an Altar did it selfe uprere,To offer sacrifice divine thereon;Her goodly thighes, whopse glorie did appeareLike a triumphall Arch, and thereuponThe spoiles of Princes hang'd, which were in battel won.Those dantie parts, the dearlings of delight,Which mote not be prophan'd of common eyes,Those villaines vew'd with loose lacivious sight,And closely tempted with their craftie spyes;And some of them gan mongst themselves sevise,Thereof by force to take their beastly pleasure."But their cannibal priest says they can't, becasue they are feeding her to god before they feed her to themselves.Now we cut to when 'Eventyde His brode black wings had through the heavens wyde'. Serena is on an altar, the Priest 'Approaching nigh, and murdrous knife well whet. Gan mutter clo

"Like as the gentle hart it selfe bewrayes,In doing gentle deedes with franke delight,Even so the baser mind it selfe displayes,In cancred malice and revengefull spight.For to maligne, t'envie, t'use shifting slight,Be arguments of a vile donghill mind,Which what it dare not doe by open might,To worke by wicked treason wayes doth find,By such discourteous deeds discovering his base kind."So Turpine, (he lord of shitbag castle was in fact him) follows Arthur, thinking of some way to screw him over.He comes upon 'two knights to him unknowne,The which were armed both agreeably,And both combynd, what ever chaunce were blowne,Betwixt them to divide, and each to make his owne."These guys are young, untested and dumb, so Turpine strings them along with a tale. But crucially, also offers them 'meed' i.e. cash.They find Arthur; 'Ryding a softly pave with portance sad,Devizing of his love more, then of daunger drad.Then one of them aloud unto him cryde.Bidding him turne again, false traytour knight,Foule womanwronger, for he him defyde."Arthur wins of course, but the verse and nature of his winning is interesting;The first hits Arthur head-on, but his lance 'in peeces shivered quite' and Arthur hits him;"That the cold steel through piercing, did devowreHis vitall breath, and to the ground him bore,Where still he bathed lay in his owne bloody gore."next comes one of the most interesting animal-comparison verses yet;"As when a cast of Faulcons make their flightAt an Herneshaw, that lyes aloft on wing,The whyles they strike at him with heedlesse might,The warie foule his bill doth backward wring;On which the first, whose force her first doth bring,Her selfe quite through the bodie doth engore,And falleth downe to ground like senselesse thing,But th'other not so swift, as she before,Fayles of her souse, and passing by doth hurt no more."The notes say a Hernshaw is a young heron. Has this ever actually happened? I know from reading the Peregrine that they do sometimes hunt in pairs and that the power of their strike is derived from the steepness of their 'stoop' or dive, so if a big-beaked bird did learn to turn round and use that beak as a spear, it could used the raptors own kinetic strength against it. Plus this sounds like the kind of extremely unlikely but just-about-possible rare animal event that could be known to historical falconers and unknown today. But could also be bullshit.Anyway, the second knight swings around;"As if he would have passed through him quight:But the steele-head no stedfast hold could fynd,But glauncing by, deceiv'd him of that he desyned.Not so the Prince: for his well learned speareTooke surer hould, and from his horses backeAbove a launces length him forth did beare,And gainst the cold hard earth so store him strake,That all his bones in peeces nigh he brake."Arthur leaps off his horse to behead the guy, who begs for mercy and tells him what happened;"The Prince much mused at such villenie," and tells the guy to go and get him whoever paid him to do this. The Knight runs off (bone situation uncertain) and finds Turpine, who is surprised;"To see him so bedight with bloodie gore,And griesly wounds that him appalled sore."The knight speaks;"Witnesse the wounds, and this wyde bloudie lake,Which ye may see yet all about me steeme.Therefore now yeeld, as ye did promise make,My due rewards, the which right well I deemeI yearned have, that life so dearly did redeeme."The Knight tells him Arthur is dead and to follow him to the battle site (just trace the streemes of bloud)."Much did the Craven seeme to mone his case,That for his sake his deare life had forgone;And him bewayling with affection base,Did counterfeit kind pittie, where was none:For wheres no courage, theres no rith nor mone."I wonder if this is actually true? It feels both true and un-true at the same time.They find Arthur actually sleeping;"The whyles his salvage page, that wont be prest,Was wandred in the wood another way,To doe some thing, that seemed to him best,The whyles his Lord in silver slomber lay,Like to the Evening starre adorn'd with deawy ray."Is 'thing, that seems to me best,' Renaissance for taking a poop in the woods?"Hold on, I must do a thing, which seems to me best."?Turpine is too afraid to go near Arthur, even sleeping, and make an attempt to buy back the service of the wounded Knight;"Nathlesse for all his speach, the gentle knightWould not be tempted to such villanie,Regarding more his faith, which he did plight,All were it to his mortall enemie,Then to entrap him by false treacherie:"The Woodwose returns and seeing them together; 'doubted much what mote their meaning bee,' throws down his nuts (so thats what he was up to) and shakes his weapon ('That was an oaken plant, which lately hee Rent by the root').Arthur wakes up and terrorises Turpine (not that difficult);"His foote he set on his vile necke, in signeOf servile yoke, that nobler harts repine,"Gives him a lot of crap about how terrible he is and hangs him from his ankles in a tree so that 'all which passed by, The picture of his punishment might see, And by the like ensample warned be,'.So ends that tale............A reminder of where we are in Book Six; three levels down;Level One - Calidore is sent to stop the Blatant Beast, briefly meets Arthegall, encounters Calepine & Serena, Serena is bitten.Level Two - Calepine tries to save Serena, is tortured and messed-with by Turpine, is saved by the Salvage Man but separated from Serena. Serena encounters Arthur and Tiamas. She hangs out with Tiamas because they both need healing from the Bite of the Blatant Beast.Level Three - Arthur teams up with the Salvage Man and beats up and shames Turpine.Now It's back to Level Two to find out what was going on with that Lady and the Fool, and apparently also a Gyant that wasn't mentioned originally;............."She was a Ladie of great Dignitie,"Sounds good."Though of mean parentage and kindred base,"Uh oh..."Yet deckt with wondrous giftes of natures grace,That all men did her person much admire,"Beauty in Spenser is either super good or super evil, so which will it be?"Yet she thereof grew proud and insolent,That none she worthie thought to be her fere,""But this coy Damzell thought contrariwize,That such proud looks would make her praysed more;And that the more she did all love despize,The more would wretched lovers her adore.What cared she, who sighed for her sore,Or who did wayle or watch the wearie night?Let them that list, their lucklesse lot deplore;She was borne free, not bound to any wight,And so would ever live, and love her own delight."NOOOOOOOOOO! It's Lady Friendzone!So the grand crime of this woman is that she is too hot and really into her own hotness and also proud and won't get with any guy, even though loads are into her, and that this literally kills them through being friendzoned;"Many a wretch, for want of remedie,Did languish long in lifeconsuming smart,And at the last through dreary dolour die:"What happens is that Cupid is keeping court on St Valentines day, and 'when the roules were red, In which the names of all loves folke were fyled,' that a bunch are midding for various reasons, and when he interviews Infamie, and Despight, they give evidence 'that they were all betrayd, And murdred cruelly by a rebellious Mayd.'This is fair Mirabella(Probably from the italian mirabile - admirable, and from mirari - 'to gaze at' and bella - 'beautiful'.)They drag Lady Mirabella Friendzone in and she refuses to plead 'Even for stubborne pride, which her restrayned.' So she is set a very knightly penance, one quite similar to that slutty knight we saw in the friendship Canto;"She wander should in companie of those,Till she had sav'd so many loves, as she did lose."(This would actually be a cool start to a serial TV show.)"So now she had bene wandring two whole yearesThroughout the world, in this uncomely case,Wasting her goodle hew in heavie teares,And her good dayes in dolorous disgrace:"And worse than that, she has not one, but two complete assholes to accompany her."... And eeke that angry fooleWhich follow'd her, with cursed hand uncleaneWhipping her horse, did with his smarting tooleOft whip her dainty delfe, and much augment her doole."And also another complete freak who looks like a Quentin Blake illustration;"For he was sterne, and terrible by nature,And eeke of person huge and hideous,Exceeding much the measure of mans stature,"And in fact is the descendant of giants and brother to Orgoglio, that guy somebody killed a bunch of Cantos previously;"His lookes were dreadfull, and his fiery eisLike two great Beacons, glared bright and wyde,Glauncing askew, as if his enemiesHe scorned in his overweening pryde;And stalking stately like a Crane, did strydeAt every step uppon the tiptoes hie,And all the way he went, on every sydeHe gaz'd about, and stared horriblie,As if her with his lookes would all men terrifie.He wore no armour, ne for none did care,As no whit dreading any living wight;But in a Jacket quiltedd richly rare,Upon checklaton he was straungely dight,And on his head a roll of linnen plight,Like to the More of Malaber her wore;With which his locks, as blacke as pitchy night,Were bound about, and voyded from before,And in his hand a mighty yron club he bore.This was Distaine, who lead that Ladies horse""NO IT ISN'T!" I hear all you Faerie Queene super-fans cry out. "Distaine is from Book Two, Canto Seven, where Guyon, knight of Temperance, either has a dream vision or literally enters the underworld to hang out with Mammon, and sees a bunch of crazy shit, including 'A sturdy villain, striding stiffe and bold' who is also a 'gyant' but a gold one, carrying an 'Yron' clubbe. And we remember this becasue he had one of the coolest descriptive verse-fragments;"Disdayne he was called, and did disdaineTo be so cald, and who so did him call:""Options -1. That was just a dream vision so this is the real one.2. They are the SAME GUY, he just moonlights un

Things that have traumatised Edmund Spenser;- Ireland- Ships- That situation with Lord Grey (see 'Ireland')- Lord Burleigh- That time the Irish burnt his house down (see 'That situation with Lord Grey')We open with another curiously-modern verse about the horrors of character assassination and gossip/calumny generally;"No wound, which warlike hand of enemyInflicts with dint of sword, so sore doth light,As doth the poysnous sting, which infamyInfixeth in the name of noble wight:For by no art, not any leaches mightIt ever can recured be againe;Ne all the skill, which that immortal sprightOf Podalyrius did it it retaine,Can remedy such hurts, such hurts are hellish paine."The poisoned (and it is explicitly named as poison of a sort) Serena and Tiamas are chilling with the Sean Connery former-badass healing hermit, who is thinking about how to heal them.Of course, this is the Faerie Queene and the whole thing is a sermon, so the solution is a moral one, becasue the poison of the Blatant Beast is a spiritual/moral one;"For in your selfe your onely helpe doth lie,To heale your selves, and must proceed aloneFrom your owne will, to cure your maladie.Who can him cure, that will be cured of none?If therefore health ye seeke, observe this one.First learne your outward sences to refraineFrom things, that stirre up fraile affection;Your eies, your eares, your tongue, your talke restraineFrom that they most affect, and in due termes containe."Sean Connory then describes the origins of the Blatant Beast. Its generic monster nonsense, it seems to share a parent with the Spanish Inquisition Sphinx that someone fought that time, another example of all the bad guys in the FQ being related somehow. The verse is good though; 'Wasting the strength of her immortal age.';"Echinda is a Monster direfull dred,Whom Gods doe hate, and heavens abhor to see;So hideous is her shape, so huge her hed,That even the hellish fiends affrighted beeAt sight thereof, and from her presence flee:Yet did her face and former parts professA faire young Mayden, full of comely glee;But all her hinder parts did plaine expresseA monstrous Dragon, full of fearefull uglinesse.To her the Gods, for her so dreadfull face,In fearfull darkness, furthest from the skie,And from the earth, appointed have her place,Mongst rocks and caves, where she enrold doth lieIn hideous horrour and obscurity,Wasting the strength of her immortal age."The Blatant Beast is a big poisonous dog-monster with rusting iron teeth;"A wicked Monster, that his tongue doth whetGainst all, both good and bad, both most and least,And poures his poysnous gall forth to infestThe nobllest wights with notable defame:Ne ever Knight, that bore so lofty creast,Ne ever Lady of so honest name,But he them spotted with reproach, or secrete shame."Then Sean Connory repeats and deepens his spiritual anti-poisoning prescription;"The best (sayd he) that I can you advize,Is to avoide the occasion of the ill:For when the cause, whence evill doth arize,Removed is, th'effect surceaseth still.Abstaine from pleasure, and restraine your will,Subdue desire, and bridle loose delight,Use scanted diet, and forbeare your fill,Shun secresie, and talke in open sight:So shall you soone repaine your opresent evill plight."And this moral psychology apparently works, they are both healed and decide to go off together to look for Arthur, Calpeine, the Savage Man and presumably Belphoebe. What they find is another group from the Chivalric Encounter Generator;".. a faire Mayden clad in mourning weed,Upon a mangy jade unmeetly set,And a lewd foole her leading through dry and wet."There is also a creepy Gyant, not mentioned here.But by what meanes that shame to her befell,And how thereof her selfe she did acquite,I must a while forbare to you to tell;"Because now we have to follow Arthur on another of his surprisngly-sneaky and ruthless quests to murder some dudes;.................Arthur finds the hall of Turpine, the Knight that refused Calepine shelter (for it is he), and the gate is wide open. Arthur sneaks his way in;"Where soft dismounting like a weary lode,Upon the ground with feeble feete he trode,As he unable were for very needeTo move one foote, but there must make abode;"Another very murder-hobo/Cugel choice from Arthur, the secret old-school player in the storygame.Eventually someone comes out to speak to him, Arthur requests aid, they say lol no fucking way gtfo errant knight aaaaad;"And therewithall rude hand on him did lay,To thrust him out of dore, doing his worst assay.Which when the Salvage comming now in place,Beheld, eftsoones he all enraged grew,And running streight upon that villaine base,Like a fell Lion at him fiercely flew,And with his teeth and nailes, in present vew,Him rudely rent, and all to peeces tore:"Literally tears a guy apart. A fight is on.Arthur and the Salvage Man super-murder everyone until Turpine hears what is going one and;"Came forth in hast: where when as with the deadHe saw the ground al strow'd, and that same KnightAnd salvage with their bloud fresh steeming red,He woxe nigh mad with wrath and fell despight,And with reprochfull words him thus bespake on hight.Art thou he, traytor, that with treson vile,Hast slaine my men in this unmanly maner,And now triumphest in the piteous spoileOf these poore folk, whose soules with black dishonorAnd foule defame doe decke thy bloudy baner?"Yes I am. And I'm going to do the same to you. Also, I have an unkilable Woodwose. More fighting happens."But when the Prince had once him plainely eyde,He foot by foot him follwed alway,Ne would him suffer once to shrinke asydeBut joyning close, huge lode at him did lay:Who flying still did ward, and warding fly away.Arthur chases the fellow through his own house, he runs to where his wife Blandina is sitting and in front of her Arthur hits the Lord;"And with his sword him on the head did smyte,That to the ground he fell in senselesse swone:Yet whether thwart of flatly it did lyte,The tempred steele did not into his braynepan byte.Which, when the Ladie saw, with great affrightShe starting up, began to shrieke aloud,And with her garment covering him from sight,Seem'd under her protection him to shroud;"Turpine now literally hiding under his lovers dress;"Her weed she then withdrawing, did him discover,Who now come to himselfe, yet would not rize,But still did lie as dead, and quake, and quiver,That even the Prince his baseness did despize,...Vile cowheard dogge, now doe I much repent,That ever I this life unto thee lentWhereof thou caytive so unworthie art;That both thy love, for lacke of hardiment,And eke thy selfe, for want of manly hart,And eke all knights hast shamed with this knightlesse part."Arthur pauses in his shit talk and realises he has left his Woodwose fighting absolutely everyone else in the castle;"He had beynd him left that salvage wight,Amongst so many foes, whom sure he thoughtBy this quite slaine in so unequall fight:Therefore descending backe in haste, he soughtIf yet he were alive, or to destruction brought.There he him found environed aboutWith slaughtred bodies, which his hand had slaine,And laying yet a fresh with courage stoutUpon the rest, that did alive remaine;Whom he likewise right sorely did contraine,Like scattred sheepe, to seeke for safetie,"So he returns to give the Turpine a load of crap about being an awful person and a bad knight, but Blandina tries to calm things down;"For well she knew the wayes to win good willOf every wight, that were not too infest,And how to please the minds of good and ill,Through tempering of her words & lookes by wonderous skill.Yet were her words and lookes but false and fayned,To some hid end to make more easie way,Or to allure such fondlings, whom she traynedInto her trap unto thier owne decay:Thereto, when needed, she could weepe and pray,And when her listed, she could fawne and flatter;Now smyling smoothly, like to sommers day,Now glooming sadly, so to cloke her matter;Yet were her words but wynd, & all her teares but water."So eventually Arthur and the Unkillable Woodwose leave, with Turpine embarrassed, ashamed, alive and PLANNING REVENGE.Book Six Canto SixPodcast

I am ending this bitch, so get ready for a rollercoaster of a week and a bit while I get to the end.We return to Serena and the Savage Man in the forest. The opening lines tell us that Edmunds brief experimentation with democratic nurture-over-nature is over and we are back to 14th Century Genetic Essentialism;"O what an easie thing is to descryThe gentle bloud, how ever it be wraptIn sad misfortunes foule deformity,And wretched sorrowes, which have often hapt?For howsoever it may grow mis-shapt,Like this wyld man, being undisciplynd,That to all vertue it may seeme unapt,Yet will it shew some sparkes of gentle mynd,And at the last breake forth in his owne proper kynd....For certes he was borne of noble blood,How ever by hard hap he hether came;As ye may know, when time shall be to tell the same."We never find out where this guy comes from.Somewhere in history there are a bunch of scrawled notes for the next 6-9 books of the Faerie Queene with Edmunds arrows and plot-plans.The Savage Man goes off to look for Calepine, who went missing last Canto after the deal with the Bear and the Baby and finds no sign of him;"Tho backe returning to that sorie Dame,He shewed semblant of exceeding mone,By speaking signes, as he them best could frame;Now wringing both his wretched hands in one,Now beating he hard head upon a stone,That ruth it was to see him so lament.By which she well percieveing, what was done,Gan teare her hayre, and all her garments rent,And beat her brest, and piteously her selfe torment."After a lot of drama she decides to grab her horse, which has been chilling in the forest, and make off to find Calepine, despite sill being wounded/poisoned by the Blatant Beast. The Savage Man decides to go with her and picks up Calepines armour, left behind, and shield to follow her. (Though Calepines sword is still hidden.)"So forth they traveld an uneven payre,That mote to all men seeme an uncouth sight;A salvage man matcht with a Ladie fayre,That rather seem'd the conquest of his might,Gotten by spoyle, then purchaced aright.But he did her attend most carefully,And faithfully did serve both day and night,Withouten thought of shame of villeny,Ne ever shewed signe of foule disloyalty.""then purchaced aright"?Its the middle of the Canto again, so time to introduce a new plot element. Remember that guy Tiamas, who was Arthurs Squire and who ended up making out in the forest with that Amazon chick? Back iiin, Book 3 or 4 I think? Well here he is, turning up with Arthur himself and about to stumble over the Serena/Woodwose situation.How did they get here? mysterious auto-generated enemies.FLASHBACK. Everything was going fine with Tiamas except he developed some generic Rennaisance pre-Iago-esqe enemies who just hated him because they were hateful dudes"Three mightie ones, and cruell minded eeke,That him not onely sought by open mightTo overthrow, but to supplant by slight.The first of them by name was cald Despetto,Exceeding all the rest in powre and hight;The second not so strong but wise, Decetto;The third nor strong nor wise, but spightfullest Defetto"(Spensers italiainised terms for Despite, Deceat and Defect.)These guys want to hurt Tiamas but aren't tuff enough alone, so they lure him into fighting the Blatant Beast, knowing he won't be able to resist such a challenge.Tiamas does encounter the beast, and drives it off;"Yet ere he fled, he with his tooth impureHim heedlesse bit, the whiles he was thereof secure."Which is interesting becasue it seems the Blatant Beast isn't actually that hard to scare away, (every Knight it has fought has done that) but is almost impossible to catch and kill, and it has a 'tooth impure' so even if it gets a nip in, the bite slowly corrupts.Tiamas rides after the beast but is waylaid by Despetto, Decetto and Defetto (who I now can't help but see as Warner Brother characters). They surround him;"Like a wylde Bull, that being at a bay,Is bayted of a mastiffe, and a hound,And a curre-dog; that doe him sharpe assayOn every side, and beat about him round;But most that curre barking with bitter sownd,And creeping still behinde, doth him incomber,That in his chauffe he digs the trampled ground,And threats his horns, and bellowes like the thonder,So did that Squire his foes disperse, and drive asonder."But who should be randomly riding around but magnificent Prince Arthur himself! Tiamas's former (current?) boss. They didn't seem that close several books back when Arthur rode off after (I think it was false Florimell?), but now they are back they get some surprisingly emotive verse about being reunited;"Whereof exceeding glad, he to him drew,And him embracing twixt his armes entire,Him thus bespake; My liefe, my lifes desire,Why have ye me alone thus long yleft?Tell me what worlds despight, or heavens yreHath you thus long away from me bereft?Where have ye all this while bin wandring, where bene weft?With that he sighed deepe for inward tyne:To whom the Squire nought aunswered againe,But shedding few soft teares from tender eyne,His deare affect with silence did restraine,And shut up all his plaint in privy paine."So again, we have a powerful Spenserian theme of held vs expressed emotional pain. And we have the very-Chivalric situation of guys who just feel a lot of big feelings for each other. This is all over Mallory as well, friends and brothers who find each other after being seperated will grab and kiss each other and cry a lot.But now these two see Serena with the Savage Man looking like an absolute freak who has captured her, so they arm up and Tiamas starts dicking with Doc Savage. This does not go well for him;"Gnashing his grinded teeth with griesly looke,And sparkling fire out of his furious eyne,Him with his fist unwares on th'head he strooke,That made him downe unto the earth encline;Whence soon upstarting much he gan repine,"In another classic chivalric gender situation; the woman stopping the pointless intra-male fight, (women have a very strong, rarely directly referenced theme of both legitimising and preventing violence. Sometimes it seems like there is a kind of gender-lock on men fighting. This even starts with Una preventing Redcrosse from suicide in Book One) Serena explains everything;"Had not this wylde man in that wofull steadKept, and delivered me from deadly dread.In such a salvage wight, of brutish kynd,Amongst wilde beastes in desert forrests bred,It is most straunge and wonderfull to fyndSo milde humanity, and perfect gentle mynd.Let me therefore this favour for him find,That ye will not your wrath upon him wreake,Sith he cannot expresse his simple minde,Ne yours conceive, ne but by tokens speake:Small praise to prove your powre on wight so weake."(The guy is invulnerable to harm but whatever.)And they all calm down and travel together through the forest. It should be noted that both Serena and Tiamas have been wounded/poisoned by the Blatant Beast."Till towards night they came unto a plaine,By which a little Hermitage there lay,Far from all neighbourhood, the which annoy it may.And nigh thereto a little Chappell stoode,Which being all with Yvy overspred,Deckt all the roofe, and shadowing the roode,Seem'd like a grove faire braunched over hed:"Inside the pleasant chapel is a hermit who, I'm sorry to say, is not going to be Archimago in disguise (miss you bro!). But seems to be something of a Sean Connory type."And soothly it was sayd by common fame,So long as age enabled him thereto,That he had bene a man of mickle name,Renowmed much in armes and derring doe:But being aged now and weary toOf warres delight, and worlds contentious toyle,""he thence them lead into his Hermitage,Letting their steedes to graze upon the greene:Small was his house, and like a little cage,For his owne turne, yet inly neate and clene,Deckt with greene boughes, a flowers gay beseene.Therein he them full faire did entertaineNot with such forged showes, as fitter beeneFor courting fooles, that curtesies would faine,But with entire affection and appearaunce plaine."After hearing about the terrible things that have happend to Serena and Calepine Arthur rides off to do some fucking-up of bad knights locally. Serena and Tiamas stay behind. And so everything seems fine, for now.Book Six Canto Five

Nice and neat, this Canto gets to the point and gets out.We open with a classic Spencerian ship-metaphor verse illustrating how bad things are for Calepine;"Now farre from harbour likely to be lost,"I don't know what happened to Edmund on that ship but it must have been traumatising. If he'd stayind out there we might have ended up with Englands first Sea-Poet.Luckily for Calepine, and fans of Gilgamesh/Endinku buddy-dramas, these woods home a 'salvage man' who 'Drawne with that Ladies loud and piteous shright' runs towards the sound and finds Turpine trying to murder Calepine, a sight so horrid that;"The salvage man, that never till this houreDid taste of pittie, neither gentlesse knew,Seeing his sharpe assault and cruell stoureWas much emmoved at his perils vew,That even his ruder hart began to rew,And feele compassion of his evil plight,"The woodwosy guy has no clothes or tools but, for some mysterious reason, is invulnerable to harm due to 'Magicke leare.'. No explanation in the notes, hopefully something will come up later."He stayed not to advize, which way were bestHis foe t'assayle, or how himselfe to gard,But with fierce fury and with force infestUnpon him ran;"Yeah boi! Turpine jabs him right in the chest with his spear, but cannot harm him."With that the wyld man more enraged grew,Like to a Tygre that hath mist his pray,And with mad mood again upon him flew,"He grabs the sheild and they wrestle for it;And nearly pulls Turpine off his horse, until Turpine runs for it. Our wyld boi chases after him and Turpine;"Gan cry aloud with horrible affright,And shrieked out, a thing uncomely for a knight."Eventually Wild-Man Martin Riggs gets tired of chasing and returns to Calepine and Serena, he finds them both bleeding and Serena terrified of him, because hes a naked invulnerable wild dude."But the wyld ma, contrarie to her feare,Came to her creeping like a fawning hound"Wildy has no language;"But a soft murmure, and confused soundOf senselesse words, which nature did him teach,T'expresse his passions, which his reason did empeach."On seeing the 'streames of purple blood' flowing from Calpine he makes 'great mone after his salvage mood'.And guess what he does next?He stops the bleeding."And running streight into the thickest wood,A certain herbe from thence unto him brought,Whose vertue he by use well understood:The juyce whereof into his wound he wrought,And stopt the bleeding strait, ere he it staunced thought."I think the reason I like this cano so much is, not only the bleeding thing, but this might be one of Spencers few low-status heroes (except maybe Glauce, Britomarts nurse) and its nice to seem something that doesn't quietly outrage my 21stC democratic instincts with Spensers Beauty=Good, Status=Good paradigm. Plus I really like it when mis-matched guys team up.(Its looking like Serena has internal bleeding?)From later;"But that same Ladies hurst no herbe he found,Which could redresse, for it was inwardly unsound."He then takes Calepine and Serena off to chill in his hollow glade where they sleep on grass and are vegetarians;"For their bad Stuard neither ploug'd nor sowed,Ne fed on flesh, ne ever of wyld beastDid taste the bloud, obaying natures first beheast."This goes on for an indeterminate amount of time until the mid-point of the Canto is reached and we know its time for a new element to be introduced. Calepine is out wandering alone 'To take the ayre, and heare the thrushes song,' WHEN HE SEES;"A cruell Beare, the which an infant boreBetwixt his bloodie jawes, besprinckles all with gore."Calepine is still a knight goddamnit so he races off to save the baby. He is not wearing his 'heavy armes' and has become so used to their weight that;"Now wanting them he felt himselfe so light,That like an Hauke, which feeling her selfe freedFrom bels and jesses, which did let her flight,Him seem'd his feet did fly, and in their speed delight."He overtakes the bear, which drops the baby to fight him;"But the bold knight no whit thereat dismayd,But catching up in hand a ragged stone,Which lay thereby (so fortune him did ayde)Upon him ran, and thrust it all attoneInto his gaping throte, that made him groneAnd grasp for breath, that he nigh choked was,Being unable to digest that bone;"The bear gets a pretty cool death-verse, full of brast bowels and 'wanting breath', but so much for the Bear, now Calepine has a baby to look after, and he's now lost in the forest;"He could no path nor tract of foot descry,Ne by inquirie lerne, nor ghesse by ayme.For nought but woods and forrests farre and nye,That all about did close the compasse of his eye."So he wanders around for ages with the baby crying, which drives him nuts, until he happens to wander out of the forests edge, and hears someone else, a lady, crying. Again we get an interesting piece of verse about the necessity of speaking your harm;"Nathlesse (quoth he) if need doe not you bynde,Doe it deisclose, to ease your grieved spright:Oftimes it haps, that sorrowes of the myndFind remedie unsought, which seeking cannot fynd."This is Matilde, her husband Sir Bruin is the local lord. He beat up a 'Gyant' called Cormoraunt (a name apparenly used after the sea-bird to describe greedy people). He scared the gyant of but, oh no, they can't have children and they are scared once Bruin gets old the Gyant will come back. And by we, she means her, because her husband has blamed her & kicked her out. And wouldn;t you know it, Calepine just happens to have this guarunteed untraceable baby _right here_, who's owners probably aren't even missing it.Then we get another very un-Spencerian, somewhat democratic moment;"If that the cause of this your languishmentBe lacke of children, to supply your place,Low how good fortuen doth to you presentThis litle babe, of sweete and lovely face,And spotlesse spirit, in which ye may enchaceWhat ever formes ye list thereto apply,Being now soft and fit them to embrace;Whether ye list him traine in chevalry,Or nourlse up in lore of learn'd Philosophy.And certes it hath oftentimes bene seeme,That of the like, whose linage was unknowne,More brave and noble knight have raysed beene,As their victorious deedes have often showen,Being with fame through many Nations blowed,Then those, which have been dandled in the lap.Therefore some thought, that those brave imps were sowenHere by the Gods, and fed with heavenly sap,That made them grow so high t'all honourable hap."Nurture over nature? Noble blood not even being that important? Edmund what has happened to you?So she takes the baby. She offers Calepine help but he doesn't want it;"Vowing, that never he in bed againeHis limbes would rest, ne lig in ease embost,Till that his Ladies sight he mote attaine,Or understand, that she in saftie did remaine."Book Six Canto FourPodcast Link

Starts up with tiresome logistical titting around, dumps the hero by half way, goes on with some random, then, surprisingly, turns out to be pretty damn good in the second half with the addition of that old Faerie Queene dramiturgial steroid; A Complete Asshole.Opener is some rennaisance Genetic Essentialism;"True it is, that whilome that good Poet sayd,The gentle minde by gentle deeds is knowne.For a man by nothing is so well bewrayd,As by his manners, in which plaine is showneOf what degree and what race he is growne.For seldome seene, a trotting Stalion getAn ambling colt, that is his proper owne:So seldome seene, that one in basenesse setDoth noble courage shew, with curteous manners met.But evermore contrary hath bene tryde,That gentle bloud will gentle manners breed:"Most of the decent verse and good drama is in the second half so I will skip the first with a baseline description.Calidore is dragging the wounded knight from Canto 2 back to his castle with his Lady in tow. The guy there is the knights dad, a super-great guy called Aldus. The knight is Aladine. Aldus is upset to see his son all messed up but makes the best of things and cheers his guests. Courtesy. This lady, Priscilla, is the daughter of a local lord who wanted to marry her off, but she was more into Aladine, who is poor(er, but still NOT A FILTHY COMMONER). They had just met up in that glade (and apparently got busy) when the baddy knight showed up. Now Aladine is a mess and she can't go home. She is now thinking about how screwed she is and;"Weherof she now bethinking, gan t'advize,How great a hazard she at earst had madeOf her good fame, and further gan devize,How she the blame might salve with coloured disguize."Calidore cheers her up and goes to bed himself. Priscilla stays up all night watching Aladine;"And with her tears his wounds did wash and steepe.So well she washt them, and so well she wacht him,That of the deadly swound, in which full deepeHe drenched was, she at the length dispacht him,And drove away the stound, which mortally attacht him."They are saline I suppose.Aladine wakes up the next day and feels really bad about the situation he has gotten Priscilla into."So both conspiring, gan to intimateEach others griefe with zele affectionate,"They ask Calidore for help and he agrees. He leaves with Priscilla and;"So as they past together on their way,He can devize this counter-cast of slight,To give faire colour to that Ladies cause in sight."So he goes back to the downed body of the guy that Tristram killed, cuts his head off and takes it to Priscillas father claiming that he saw this guy letching on her, killed him, nothing to worry about. Another piece of surprising murderhobo douchebaggery from a paragon character. remember when Arthur pretended to be dead?So the Knight of Courtesy has just lied his ass off. And yes, apparently this has caused quite a bit of trouble in the poem-analysis community over the years. From the notes;"Judson (Var., p. 341) cites Guazzo: 'I denie not but that it is commendable to coyne a lye at some time, and in some place, so that it tende to some honest ende'"Lets hope Redcrosse, Una, and especially Talus don't find out.Anyway, Calidore is promptly off into a new episodic encounter;..............................He finds a knight, Calepine (another mirror/shadow character?), getting amorous with a lady, Serena. In a perfect expression of the virtue of Courtesy, he does not instantly attack and kill them, but instead talks to them.This is going pretty well until, while Calidore and Calepine are chatting about chivalry, a scene familar to horror movie fans takes place;"The faire Serena (so his Lady hight)Allur'd with myldnesse of the gentle wether,And pleasaunce of the place, the which was dightWith divers flowres distinct with rare delight;Wandred about the fields, as liking ledHer wavering lust after her wandring sight,To make a garland to adorne her hed,WITHOUT SUSPECT OF ILL OR DAUNGERS DRED."My caps. Sorry. The Blatant Beast eats her.But doesn't chew or swallow, just runs off with her in its mouth.Our boys chase after it, Calidore is "more light of foote and swift in chace," so catches up and charges the Beast who spits out Serena and dashes away. Calidore doesn't help Serena,(Ok, this thing with people not trying to stop the bleeding. People in the past knew bleeding was bad surely? Did they have a fatalistic attitude to it? Is the closeness of hospitals and the integration of medical care and aspect of the modern world that makes stopping the bleeding a much more useful thing to do, and so we are obsessed with it but in the past it might not have made as much of a difference? Is it the chance of infection? Are they just fucking stupid back then about bleeding and how bad it is? Or is it just a literary affectation for this story?)Calidore knows Serenas knight is coming so her hares off after the beast. We apparently will not see him again till Canto 9, half the Book away, so wave goodbye to that dude we hardly knew anyway............................The rest of Canto Three is based around a completely different knight also NOT STOPPING THE BLEEDING."And now by this Sir Calepine (so hight)Came to the place, where he his Lady foundIn dolorous dismay and deadly plight,All in gore bloud there tumbled on the ground,Having both sides through grypt with griesly wound.His weapons soone from him he threw away,And stouping downe to her in drery swound,Uprear'd her from the ground, whereon she lay,And in his tender armes her forced up to stay."His 'busie paines' do manage to return her 'faint sprite' to the 'mansion of mortality', then he places her on his horse and 'soft footing beside' starts looking for somewhere he can take her to be healed.But. Not. Before!;"Now when as Phoebus with his fiery waineUnto his Inne began to draw apace;"HES BACKCalepine sees a 'faire and stately place' in the distance and makes for it, he comes upon a river;"But comming to the rivers side, he foundThat hardly passable on foote it was:"Luckily he sees an armed knight with a Lady 'lincked by his side' preparing 'through the foord to ride'. Calepine asks for help from the knight and gets an unexpected response;"Perdy thou peasant Knight, mightst rightly reedMe then to be full base and evill borne,If I would beare behinde a burden of suchn scorne.But as thou hast thy steed forlorne with shame,So fare on foote till thou another gayne,And let the Lady likewise doe the same,Or bear her on thy backe with pleasing payne,And prove thy manhood on the billowes vayne."Because this is Turpine (I think, 'base') and he is a magnificent asshole.The Lady is less of a scumbag and offers her Palfrey but Calepine is too 'inly wroth'and goes for ultra-drama;"And strongly wading through the eaves unused,With speare in th'one heand stayd him selfe upright,With th'other staide his Lady up with steddy might.And all the while, that same discourteous Knight,Stood on the further banke beholding him,At whose calamity, for more despightHe laught, and mockt to see him like to swim."Calepine makes it across, alive, and having done so his 'heart with vengeaunce inwardly did swell', he shouts some awesome smack talk back across the river;"Unknightly Knight, the blemish of that name,And blot of all that armes uppon them take,Which is the badge of honour and of fame,Loe I defie thee, and here challenge make,That thou for ever doe those armes forsake;And be for ever held a recreant Knight.Unlesse thou dare for thy deare Ladies sake,And for thine owne defence on foote alight,To justifie thy fault gainst me in equal fight."Turpine is still a magnificent bastard, or indeed, dastard;"The dastard, that did heare him selfe defyde,Seem'd not to weigh his threatfull words at all,But laught them out, as if his greater pryde,Did scorne the challenge of so base a thrall:Or had no courage, or else had no gall....But he nought weighing what he sayd or did,Turned his steed about another way,And with his Lady to the Castle rid"There is nothing Calepine can do but go on, Phoebus is getting to his Inne and darkness is coming.He makes it to the castle and with 'prayers meeke, And myld entreaty lodging did for her beseeke.'NOPEThis is not Gawains 'pure porter' but instead;".. the rude Porter that no manners had,Did shut the gate against him in his face,..... there was no placeOf lodging fit for any errant Knight,Unlesse that with his Lord he formerly did fight."Calidore replies;"Full loth am I (quoth he) as now at earst,When day is spent, and rest us needeth most,And that this Lady, both whose sides are pearstWith wounds, is ready to forgo the ghost:Ne would I gladly combate with mine host,That should to me such curtesie afford,Unlesse that I were thereunto enforst."But still he says to send a message to the lord that he 'house-rome craves' and would certainly fight him but could they possibly put that off till tomorrow since Phoebus has gone to his Inne?The Lord; (I can't tell from the context if this is Turpine or not)"Who sitting with his Lady then at bord,Not onely did not his demand approve,But both himselfe revi'd and eke his love;Albe his Lady, that Blandina hight,Him of ungentle usage did reprove..Yet would he not perswaded be for ought,Ne from his currish will awhit reclame.Which answer when the groome returning broughtTo Calepine, his heart did inly flameWith wrathfull fury for so foule a shame,That he could not thereof avenged bee:But most for pitty of his dearest Dame,Whom now in deadly daunger he did see;Yet had no meanes to comfort, nor procure her glee.....So downe he tooke his Lady in distresse,And layd her underneath a bush to sleepe,Cover'd with cold, and wrapt in wretchednesse,Whiles he him selfe all night did nought but weepe,And wary watch about her for her safegard keepe."The next day they limp on on their sorry journey to find someone who isn't a complete dick;"He goth on foote all armed by her side,Upstaying still her selfe upon her steede,Being unabl

Another basic but likeable Canto. We open with some not-displeasing remarks on courtesy;"What vertue is so fitting for a knight,Or for a Ladie, whom a knight should love,As Curtesie, to beare themselves arightTo all of each degree, as doth behove?For whether they be placed high above,Or low beneath, yet ought they well to knowTheir good, that none them rightly may repoveOf rudenesse, for not yeelding what they owe:Great skill it is such duties timely to bestow.Thereto great helpe dame Nature selfe doth lend:For some so goodly gratious are by kind,That every action doth them much commend,And in the eyes of men great liking find;Which others, that have greater skill in mind,Though they enforce themselves, cannot attaine.For everie thing, to which one is inclin'd,Doth best become, and greatest grace doth gaine:Yet praise likewise deserve good thewes, enforst with paine.That well in courteous Calidore appeares,Whose every act and deed, that he did say,Was like enchantment, that through both the eyes,And both the eares did steale the hart away."Calidore bumps into a standard encounter from the Chivalric Encounter Generator; a young yet super hawt squire on foot fighting an armed and armoured knight on a horse and a damizell 'standing alone on foot, in foule array'.By the time he gets the the youth has killed the knight and all Calidore can do is chivalric detective work.This kid is dressed in another cosplay-appropriate costume;"All in a woodmans jacket he was cladOf Lincolne greene, belayd with silver lace;And on his head an hood with aglets sprad.And by his side his hunters horne he hanging had.Buskins he wore of costliest cordwayne,Pinkt upon gold, and paled part per part,As then the guize was for each gentle swayne;"The good-looking squire says he was out here being generally noble in a woodsmans fashion when he saw the knight riding along with the lady on foot;"When she so lagged, as she needs mote so,He with his speare, that was to him great blame,Would thumpe her forward, and inforce to goe,Weeping to him in vaine, and making piteous woe."This squire then gives the Knight some shit about his unchivalric behaviour, the knight hits him and the kid takes him out with a 'dart' which seems to be a light javelin of some kind, putting it right through his sternum in one cast."Much did Sir Calidore admyre his speachTempred so well, but more admyr'd the strokeThat through the mayles had made so strong a breach"Courtesy is nice, but being able to through a pointy stick right through a dude is nicer.Calidore checks with the Lady if this is accurate and she says it is, he then says that all of this is fine with him since;"What he spake, for you he spake it, Dame,And what he did, he did him selfe to save:"Plus any other witness is dead. Calidore asks the Lady how she came to be with this knight. She says they were out riding together when they came upon;"Within a wood, whereas a Ladie gentSate with a knight in joyous jolliment,Of their franke loves, free from all gealous spyes:Faire was the ladie sure, that mote contentAn hart, not carried with too curious eyes,And unto him did shew all lovely courtesyes."Which is exactly what it sounds like. When the bad-guy knight see this;"He inly gan her lover to envy,And wish, that he part of his spoyle might share...He with strong hand down from his steed me throw'th,And with presumpteous powre against that knight streight go'th."Just kicks his girlfriend right off the horse and goes to beat a dude up, some real old-school hardcore classic bad-guy action. Its been a while.The other knight is 'unarmed' because they were shagging in the forest, and asks a moment to grab his armour and/or weapons, but our nameless baddy just rides him down. The lady runs for it into the undergrowth;"Into the covert did her selfe withdraw,And closely hid her selfe within the grove."..."He woxe halfe made, and in that rage gan roveAnd range through all the wood, where so he wistShe hidden was, and sought her so long, as him list.But when as her he by no meanes could find,After long search and chauff, he turned backeUnto the place, where me he left behind:There gan he me to curse and ban, for lackeOf that faire bootie, and with bitter wrackeTo wreake on me the guilt of his owne wrong.Of all which I yet glad to beare the packe,Strove to appease him, and perswaded long:But still his passion grew more violent and strong."Which is a somewhat operatic, but pretty psychologically accurate depiction of an abusive relationship.I knind of wish we knew this stuff before the Squire killed the guy, it would have added a lot of tension and release to the Canto, but maybe that's the point of this Canto? We get the end-scene first, then Colombo our way backwards finding out more about the main villain?So the baddy rides off jabbing the poor girl with the spear butt until he runs into our Tristram.That's right Chivalric Expanded Universe fans, its an origin story. This woodsman is the Tristram of Cornwall as seen in Thomas Mallorys Morte and a shitload of other places.Spenser tells us quite a bit more about his noble looks;"Then turning backe unto that gentle boy,Which has himselfe so stoutly well aquit;Seeing his face so lovely sterne and coy,And hearing th'answers of his pregnant wit,He praysd it much, and much admired it;"Of course if you look and act like that in the Faerie Queene you are either Archimago, a sex daemon summoned by Archimago, Arthur or a missing child of a King.And indeed Tristram is the child of the King of Cornwall. Dead dad. Evil Uncle. Sent to Faerie when young. Living in the forest. You've seen the Lion King.Lion King >based on> Shakespere >based on> The Faerie Queene >based on> Probably Some Celtic Thing or just ripping off Chetrain De Troyes who probably based it on Some Celtic Thing.Heres a pleasing fragment;"Ne is there hauke, which mantleth her on pearch,Whether high towring, or accoasting low,But I the measure of her flight doe search,And all her pray, and all her diet know.Such be our joyes, which in these forrests grow:"Just like in 'The Peregrine'.Calidore just thinks this kid is the best, hottest, most lethal kid ever and immediately knights him."Full glad and joyous then young Tristram grew,Like as a flowre, whose silken leaves small,Long shut up in the bud from heavens vew,At length breakes forth, and brode displayes his smyling hew."But says he can't accompany him on his quest as the Faerie Queene said he had to do it alone (interesting, unlike most other knights who usually get a helper, maiden, friend or robot to assist).So Tristram goes off with the Lady he rescued. She needn't worry about his masculine attentions, he only has eyes on one thing;"But Tristram then despoyling that dead knightOf all those goodly implements of prayse,Long fed his greedie eyes with the faire sightOf the bright metall, shyning like Sunne rayes;Handling and turning them a thousand wayes."Calidore goes off on his own quest and runs into the sex/murder situation the un-named Biff Tannen Knight left behind;"There he that knight found lying on the flore,With many wounds full perilous and wyde,That all his garments, and the grasse in vermeill dyde."With the Lady sitting around vaguely weeping.Its a standard buisness with the only really interesting part being exacltly how long they stand around talking chivalric with this guy bleedig out before they try to stop the blood-loss.Wait, I'll count.He finds them in verse 41.Verse 48;"So off he did his shield, and downeward layd,Upon the ground, like to an hollow beare;And powring balme, which he had long purvayd,Into his wounds, him up thereon did reare,"Seven verses.And off they go to a castle for the next CantoBook Six Canto TwoPOdcast

[It's only just hitting me how fucking wierd book five of the Faerie Queene is. Its a s if Ted Hughes was involved in the Mai Lai massacre and worked in a chapter defending it in idealised terms into an epic poem meant to be about other stuff.And Sir Walter Raleigh was apparently also at the same massacre, ordering heads chopped off, which was eventually used as (a small) part of a court case against him which eventually got him executed.Its as if Oliver North was also Gore Vidal, and also this famous exploring pirate guy was there.Seriously, what the fuck was all that about. I mean I know what it was about, because I've read the notes and the wikipedia pages. But what was it about?]Anyway! On to Book Six;The reason for the title is becasue the opening of Book Six is essentially The Force Awakens of the Faerie Queene. Do you guys remember how much fun we had in Books One and Two? And how bored we were in the non-Britomart parts of Books Three and Four, and how Book Five went totally to shit?Well so far it looks like we are getting a soft-reboot to Book One. "We're looking for a Redcrosse type" says the casting Director, except, you know, not Redcrosse."Enter Calidore, the Knight of Courtesie.But first the Proem;We begin with Edmund talking about he has weary steps but forgets his tedious travel when 'nigh ravisht with rare thoughts delight', which matches my impression of his personality.I have never seen anyone writing allegory who would not be better off just writing fantasy, but I digress.Then a standard appeal to the Muses to conduct him in 'these strange wais, where never foot did use, Ne none can find, but who was taught them by the Muse.'Then some stuff about the importance of courtesy, with the usual fallen world imagery and argument about these rubbish days we are having these days with these damn millennials damn discourteous headless irish just kill him Walter alright?This is a decent verse. Present courtesy is mearly 'fayned showes' which 'carry colours faire, that feeble eies misdeeme.';"But in the triall of true curtesie,Its now so farre from that, which then it was,That it indeed is nought but forgerie,Fashion'd to please the eis of them, that pas,Which see not perfect things but in a glas:Yet is that glasse so gay, that it can blyndThe wisest sight, to thinke gold that is bras.But vertues seat is deepe within the mynd,And not in outward shows, but inward thoughts defynd."And then finally some stuff about of course you would go to Elizabeths Court for Courtesy since it is the most courteous fucking place on earth.Book Six ProemAnd now we begin.CANTO ONEWhat do we know about Calidore?He has 'gentlenesse of spright, and 'manners mylde', a 'comely guize' and 'gracious speach' enough to 'steal mens hearts away.' He is also 'full stout and tall' and 'well appov'd in batteilous affray'. High CHA high STR, seems a bit min-maxed, seems a bit bland.Spenser tells us that everyone rally likes Calidore;"For he loathd leasing, and base flattery,And loved simple tuth and stedfast honesty."Its hard to be both honest and direct and also liked, this must be where the marvellous alchemy of courtesy comes into things.Calidore is out and bumps into Artegall coming home from Book Five, they exchange knightly news, Artegall tells Calidore what he has been up to and asks for his quest. Calidore replies that he has been sent out after the Blatant Beast which 'often hath annoyd, Good Knights and Ladies true, and many else destroyed.'Luckily Artegall just saw it a few pages back, which makes Calidore very happy indeed since he thought he would be looking for ages (he will, its a 12 Canto book and he only gets it at the end).Calidore is on the way to where Artegall saw the beast when he enters the main action of the Canto.A 'comely Squire' is tied to a tree and emitting 'shrill cries'. Calidore frees him and gets this explanation;"Not farre from hence, uppon yond rocky hill,Hard by a streight there stands a castle strong,Which doth observe a custome lewd and ill,And it hath long mayntaind with mighty wring:For may no Knight nor Lady passe alongThat way, (and yet they needs must passe that way,)By reason of the streight, and rocks among,But they that Ladies lockes does shave away,And that knights berd for toll, which they for passage pay."The Lady of this castle is Briana, 'Then which a prouder Lady liveth none:' and she loves a knight -Crudor_ and he won't get with her until she makes him a mantle of Knights beards and Ladies hair. Therefore she gets her Seneschall Maleffort to go get her that hair.The notes say Briana probably means 'strong, Crudor 'cruel' and Maleffort 'ill attempt'.This squire was passing by with a Damizell when Maleffort comes upon them, ties up the squire and chases the lady. And AT THAT MOMENT;"Thus whiles they spake, they heard a ruefull shriekeOf one loud crying, which they streight way ghest,That it was she, the which for helpe did seeke....They sawy that Carle from farre, with hand unblestHayling that mayden by the yellow heare,That all her garments from her snowy brest,And from her head her lockes he nigh did teare,Ne would he spare for pitty, nor refraine for feare."Calidore goes off to stop this and the carle replies in somewhat salty fashion;"Art thou the caytive, that defyest me,And for this Mayd, whose party thou doest take,Wilt give thy beard, though it but little bee?Yet shall it not her lockes for raunsome fro me free."They battle for a handful of verses which are pretty good but not exceptional enough to repeat here. The Carle eventually realises he's going to lose so just runs for it, off back to the castle."They from the wall him seeing so aghast,The gate soone opened to receive him in,But Calidore did follow him so fast,That even in the Porch he him did win,And cleft his head asunder to his chin.The Carcasse tumbling downe within the dore,Did choke the anteraunce with a lumpe of sin,That it could not be shut, whilest Calidore_Did enter in, and slew the Porter on the flore."Calidore takes on the whole castle and either kills them or gets past them, its not clear, then he gets into the central bit where Briana gives him shit in rather entertaining wize;".. who with uncomely shameGan him salute, and fowle upbrayd with faulty blame.False traytor Knight, (said she) no Knight at all,But scorne of armes that hast with guilty handMurdred my men, and slaine my Seneshall;Now comest thou to rob my house unmand,And spoile me selfe, that can not thee withstand?Yet doubt thou not, but that some better KnightThen thou, that shall thy treason understand,Will it avenge, and pay thee with thy right:And if none do, yet shame shal thee with shame requight."Calidore gives her a lecture about how forcibly shaving people isn't curteous."Wherewith all full of wrath, she thus replyde;Vile recreant, know that I doe much disdaineThy curteous lore, that doest my love deride,Who scornes thy ydle scoffe, and bids thee be defyde."Calidore points out that that dude is not currently here."Cowherd (quoth she) were not, that thou wouldst fly,Ere he doe come, he should be soone in place."Well fine, so call him, replies Calidore. So she sends a Dwarfe with a ring of hers to fetch Crudor.Crudor does turn up the next day and Calidore issues out, and downs him in one blow. Briana wails on the battlements 'And made such piteous mourning therewithall, That from the battlements she ready seem'd to fall.'But Crudor is not out yet, he awakes in a sleepy Sunday-morning fashion;"Nathlesse at length hem selfe he did upreareIn lustlesse wise, as if against his will,Ere he had slept his fill, he wakened were,And gan to streach his limbs; which feeling illOf his late fall, a while he rested still:"..."Then there began a fearefull cruell frayBetwixt them two, for maystery of might.For both were wondrous practicke in that play,And passing well expert in single fight,"Its a classic, well-told and completely unoriginal spenserian fight which nearly ends with the much-loves hero vs hero dual-blow, but doesn't, because Calidore is a bit faster and whacks him on the head, 'That him upon the ground he groveling cast'.And its here that things change a little as compared to Arthegall, because when Cruor; 'Cryde out, Ah mercie Sir, doe me not slay, But save my life, which lot before your foot doth lay.'Calidore actually does give him mercy, and a lecture instead of a beheading;".. By this now may ye lerne,Strangers no more so rudely to intreat,But put away proud looke, and usage sterne,The which shal nought to you but foule dishonor yearne."..."In vaine he seeketh others to suppresse,Who hath not learnd him selfe first to subdew:All flesh is frayle, and full of ficklenesse,Subject to fortunes chance, still chaunging new;What haps to day to me, wo morrow may to you.Who will not mercie unto others shew,How can he mercy ever hope to have?"Well, well, well, we have come a long way from Book Five, even though we have actually only come 13 pages from Book Five.He gets a load of promises from Cruor about behaving like a proper knight, then takes him to Briana;"Whereof she now more glad, than sory earst,All overcome with infinite affect,For his exceeding courtesie, that pearstHer stubborne hart with inward deepe effect,Before his fee her selfe did project,"She offers him the Castle, which he graciously gives to the Squire (no mention of the damizell), then hangs out with them until his wounds are healed, leaving Briana and Cruor happily together.Book Six Canto OnePodecaste

(No-ones going to read to the end of this so I'm putting this here;Scrap and I are up for Reddits r/rpg/ Game of the Month for February. If you are on Reddit and you'd like to go there and vote for us then hit the image;Ben Milton is also on there, so it looks like Scrap and I will have to hunt him through the Under-Earth and eat him. Apologies.Ok, back to the Faerie Queene)The end of Book Five is a classic Spencerian Anticlimax Canto. Artegall finds and fights Grantorto, who is a giant wielding an axe, except not a multi-armed GIANT giant like Arthur fought but just a large man.He wins by the middle of the super-short Canto, then sets up shop with Irenae to govern this 'Island', using Talus as a murderous Robocop. This only lasts a handful of verses, just long enough for Spencer to make yet another point about how when his ex-boss ordered those Irish prisoners executed, it was totally justified. Arthegall is then unexpectedly recalled (just like Spencers ex-boss) and then we get into the much-better second half of the Canto, Arthegalls meeting two extremely well-described Witches and their creature the Blatant Beast, which it seems may be a major adversary for whomever the knight of Canto six is.Even though the Witches have more life a verve to them, they are still a lot like numerous other Spencerian monster/baddies we've seen in this book.The opener does have a few gems of verse, of which I will try to bring you a handful here;Talus being apparently salt-immune (I was hoping he would glitch in the sea), and still doing most of the work;"But nathemore would they from land refraine,But when was nigh unto the shore they drew,That foot of man might sound the bottom plaine,Talus into the sea did forth issew,Though darts from shore & stones they at him threw;And wading through the waves with steadfast sway,Maugre the might of all those troupes in vew,Did win the shore, whnce he them chast away,And made to fly, like doves, whom the Eagle doth affray.....But ere he marched farre, he with them met,And fiercely charged them with all his force;But Talus sternely did upon them set,And brusht, and battred them without remorse,That on the ground he left full many a corse;Ne any able was him to withstand,Be he them overthrew both man and horse,That they lay scattred over all the land,As thicke as doth the seede after the sowers hand."Irena gets dressed for her execution, or possibly marriage (also, slight callout to Spensers sweating lady fetish);"Then up she rose and on her selfe did dightMost squalid garments, fit for such a day,And with dull countenance, and with doleful spright,She forth was brought in sorrowfull dismay,For to receive the doome of her decay.But comming to the place, and finding thereSir Artegall, in battailous arrayWayting his foe, it did her dead hart cheare,And new life to her lent, in midst of deadly feare.Like as a tender Rose in open plaine,That with untimely drought nigh withered was,And hung the head, soone as few drops of raineThereon distill, and deaw her daintie face,Gins to looke up, and with fresh wonted graceDispreds the glorie of her leaves gay;Such was Iraneas countenance, such her case,"Here is Grantorto;"Who came at length, with proud presumpteous gate,Into the field, as if he fearelesse were,All armed in a cote of yron plate,Of great defence to ward the deadly feare,And on his head a steele cape he did weareOf cooour rustie browne, but sure and strong;And in his hand an huge Polaxe did beare,Whose steale was yron studded, but not long,With which he wont to fight, to justifie his wrong."From the notes; "Grantorto is armed like an Irish galloglas or foot soldier, whom Spenser describes in his View of the Present State of Ireland; 'in a long shirt of mayle down to the calfe of his legg with a long brode axe in his hand'.""Of statue huge and hideous he was,Like to a Giant for his monstrous hight,And did in strenght most sorts of men surpas,Ne ever any found his match in might;Thereto he had great skill in single fight:His face ws ugly, and his countenance sterne,That could have frayd one with the very sight,And gaped like a gulfe, when he did gerne,That whether man or monster one could scarce discerne."I was particularly pleased to read 'gerne', since I grew up near Eskdale, site of one of the few remaining Gurning competitions in the United Kingdom.Then the fight happens, it isn't long.If you've read a bunch of Spenserian fights before, nothing really stands out. I have been talking a lot about Spensers Naval metaphors, where someone or something is shown to be like a ship doing something, but I rarely show them, so here is one from the Arthegall/Grantorto fight;"He shund his strokes, where ever they did fall,And way did give unto their gracelesse speed:As when a skilfull Marriner doth reedA storme approching, that doth peril threat,He will not bide the daunger of such dread,But strikes his sayles, and vereth his mainsheat,And lends unto it leave the emptie ayre to beat."And then Arthegall wins and etc, etc.......................The last fifteen verses are ALL witches, and they are a pleasing return to form;"When as two old ill favour'd Has he met,By the way side being together set,Two griesly creatures; and, to that their facesMost foule and filthie were, their garments yetBeing all rag'd and tatter'd, their disgracesDid much the more augment, and made most ugly cases.The one of them, that elder did appeare,With her dull eyes did seeme to looke askew,That her mis-shape much helpt; and her foule hereHung loose and loethsomely: Thereto her hewWas wan and leane, that all her teeth arew,And all her bones might through her cheekes be red;Her lips were like raw lether, pale and blew,And as she spake, therewith she slavered;Yet spake she seldom, but thought more, the lesse she sed."This is 'Envie'. The other;"Her face was ugly, and her both distort,Foming with poyson round about her gils,In which her cursed tongue full sharpe and shortAppear'd like Aspis sting, that closely kils,Or cruelly does wound, whom so she wils:A distaffe in her other hand she had,Upon the which she litle spinnes, but spils,And faynes to weave false tales and leasings bad,To throw amongst the good, which others had disprad."This is 'Detraction', and she is unlike Envy;"For what so Envie good or bad did fynd,She did conceale, and murder her own mynd;"Wheras Detraction;".. what ever evill she conceived,Did spred abroad, and throw in th'open wynd.Yet this in all her words might be perceived,That all she sought, was mens good name to have bereaved."I'm pretty sure we've seen quite a lot of monsters and evil witch-women in the Faerie Queene who are a lot like Envy and Detraction. Wasn't there that woman that followed a Knight about shouting slander at him?In fact yes, I think she was called Sclaunder.Also wasn't jealousy itself a character in book Four? I think Malbecco eventually went to live in a cliff and turned into PURE JEALOUSY.The two witches mark Arthegall as he passes by and set on him the Blatant Beast, which I think is some kind of 4Chan, Fake News, Trump/Russia monster that does reputational damage?"Thereto the Blatant beast by them set onAt him began aloud to barke and bay,With bitter rage and fell contention,That all the woods and rockes night to that way,Began to quake and tremble with dismay;And all the aire rebellowed againe.So dreadfully his hundered tongues did bray,And evermore those hags them selves did paine,To sharpen him, and their owne cursed tongs did straine."So its looking like the next Book is going to be Spenser dealing with his deep feelings about that time his boss got his reputation destroyed because of all the murderous stuff  which he was pretty much ordered/not ordered to do in Ireland.So its going to get wierd, even for the Faerie Queene. And topical.Book Five Canto TwelvePodecaste

This is a Big Fat Canto cause', again, Edmund has got his logistics squeezed towards the end of the book and very likely run out of space for things to be in.So be it. If it’s a bad book then at least there is a lot of it. Sometimes, all we desire is that the burger be big.So;PART ONE; Arthur beats up a Multi-Armed Gyant The baddy whose Seneschall Arthur beat up last canto finds out about it;"Nathlesse him selfe he armed all in hast,And forth he far'd with all his many bad,Ne stayed step, till that he came at lastVnto the Castle, which they conquored had.There with huge terrour, to be more ydrad,He sternly marcht before the Castle gate,And with bold vaunts and ydle threatning badDeliver him his owne, ere yet too late,To which they had no right, nor any wrongfull state."'his many bad' is just a straight-up rap lyric sonI forget which element of Catholic Spain this guy represents but he is a multi-armed, multi-torso’d Gyant, which, sorry, I probably should have brought up before now.No-one dicks about, Arthur rides out fully armed and we are into a fight scene by verse five. The gyant flies at Arthur;"As if he would have overrun him streight,And with his huge great yron axe gan hewSo hideously uppon his armour bright,As he to peeces would have chopt it quight:That the bold Prince was forced foote to giveTo his first rage, and yeeld to his despight:"Then we get one of those likeable 'monster manual' verses from Spenser which, no-matter which way you think about it, I'm pretty sure can't directly symbolise anything about Spains invasion of the Netherlands, I think he's just into the monsters;"Thereto a great advauntage eke he hasThrough his three double hands thrise multiplyde,Besides the double strength, which in them was:For stil when fit occation did betyde,He could his weapon shift from side to syde,From hand to hand, and with such nimblesse slyCould wield about, that ere it were espide,The wicked stroke did wound his enemy,Behinde, beside, before, as he it list apply."And yes Edmund did just spell 'side' two different ways in the same line, suck it pedants! You're probably Catholics anyway!Arthur perceives the gyants 'uncouth use' and 'gan to watch the wielding of his hand' so 'ever he saw the stroke to land He would it meete, and warily withstand'.The guy has about nine arms but only bought one axe - cue your own joke about southern Europeans and planning.No Scrap I do not want to hear about how the gyants body pattern and assumed motion and joint action would make a single axe the only practical choice. (She stopped reading this months ago.)"One time, when he his weapon faind to shift,As he was wont, and chang'd from hand to hand,He met him with a counterstoke so swift,That quite smit off his arme, as he it up did lift."But the guy has, well, a lot of arms, but the pain does trigger 'fury and disdaine' and encourages the Gyant to combine ALL his arms in one SUPER BLOW which is really, really at this stage, a lot like a scene from an Anime;"Gan into one assemble all the mightOf all his hands, and heaved them on hightThinking to pay him with that one for all:But the sad steele seizd not, where it was hight,Uppon the childe, but somewhat short did fall,And lighting on his horses head, him quite did mall."Another poor dead horse.Arthur jumps right off and prepares to fight on foot, the Gyan laughs and we get another, very Anime closeup;"He wox right blyth, as he had got thereby,And laught so loud, that all his teeth wide bareOne might have seene enraun'd disorderly,Like to a ranke of piles that pitched are awry."The Gyant uses exactly the same tactic again, Arthur blocks with his adamant shield but is knocked staggering.This pisses him off so he takes off two of the gyants arms, 'Like fruitlesse braunches, which the hatchets slight, Hath pruned from the native tree, and cropped quight.'This drives the gyant crazy with anger and Arthur uses the momentary distraction to cut him in half;"Through all three bodies he him strooke attonce;That all the three attonce fell on the plain:"Hooray, a murder and only 14 verses in. There are 65 in this Canto.Belgium is finally saved and bows to Arthur, which is meant to mimic the event mentioned in the notes for Canto 10 I showed you about that guy who accepted a governorship when he shouldn't have..Belgium tells Arthur, there is another fight to have.PART TWO - Arthur Fights a Freaky Inquisition Monster"Then wote you, Sir, that in this Church hereby,There stands an Idole of great note and name,The which this Gyant reared first on hie,And of his owne vaine fancies thought did frame:To whom for endless horror of his shame,He offered up for daily sacrifizeMy children and my people, burnt in flame;With all the tortures, that he could devize,The more t'aggreate his God with such his blouddy guize.And underneath this Idoll there doth lieAn hideous monster, that doth it defend,And feedes on all the carkassas, that dieIn sacrifize unto that cursed feend:Whose ugly shape none ever saw, nor kend,That ever scap'd: for of a man they sayIt has the voice, that speaches forth doth send,Even blasphemous words, which she doth brayOut of her poysnous entrails, fraught with dire decay."Yesssssssss.Arthur goes to the big gold idol and whacks it with his sword, once, twice, thrice;"And the third time out of an hidden shade,There forth issewed, from under th'Altars smooke,A dreadfull feend, with fowle deformed looke,That strecht it selfe, as it had long lyen still;And her long talie and fethers strongly shooke,That all the Temple did with terrour fill;Yet him nought terrifide, that feared nothing ill.And huge great Beast it was, when it in lengthWas streched forth, that nigh fild all the place,And seem'd to be of infinite great strength;Horrible, hideous, and of hellish race,Borne of the brooding of _Echidna_ base,Or other like infernall furies kinde:For of a Mayd she had the outward face,To hide the horrour, which did lurke behinde,The better to beguile, whom she so fond did finde.Walter Crane you legendThereto the body of a dog she had,Full of fell ravin and fierce greedinesse;A Lions clawes, with powre and rigour clad,To rend and teare, whose sting without redresseFull deadly wounds, where so it is empight;And Eagles wings, for scope and speedinesse,That nothing may escape her reaching might,Whereto she ever list to make her hardy flight.Much like in foulnesse and deformityUnto that Monster, whom the Theban Knight,The father of that fatall progeny,Made kill her selfe for very hearts despight,That he had red her Riddle, which no wightCould ever loose, but suffered deadly doole."The reason I've typed out almost all of this description is partly because its very cool, and partly because this gothed-up mutant super-sphinx is meant to be the Spanish Inquisition, who we previously read had gone fucking nuts in the Low Countries multiple times.The linking of the Sphinx to the Inquisition is the first time I have found the presence of allegory, as allegory, in this book, elegant, informative, inventive and enhancing to the art. The join of the riddling beast with the unanswerable question and the guys with the brands that nobody expects is very neat.So, is this what the renaissance courtier period reader would be feeling all the time? Is that how allegory is supposed to work? Because I have found it rather rubbish thus far, or at least, I have greatly enjoyed the invention and the imagination and the words, but the two sides of the allegory have never felt like they worked together to me, as if they enhanced and reflected each other and became a new whole like a good work of art. I have been simply regarding them as parallel paths with different virtues and annoyances till now.I will cut the fight short. The Sphinx grabs Arthurs adamant shield. They wrestle. He cuts off its paws. She wails so loud the temple quakes. She comes at him with the tail which strikes him so hard it gets a whole ship metaphor. He cuts it off. She spreads her wings and flies at him with her mouth, he shields himself and;"Under her wombe his fatall sword he thrust,And for her entraile made an open way,To issue forth; the which once being brust,Like to a great Mill damb forth fiercely gusht,"Belgium is saved.PART THREE -  What's Arthegall Up To?Arthegall is on his mission to rescue whatsherface from Grantorto when he comes upon 'an aged wight, wayfaring quiet alone'. This is a knight he recognises, one who came to the court of the Faerie Queene with Irene (that’s her hame) when first she asked for help.Arthegall asks for news. It's bad;"She liveth sure and sound;But to that Tyrant is in wreched thraldom bound."She had gone to 'the salvage Islands syde' to meet Arthegall, at the time and the place where he promised to be, but he was not there and Grantorto has got here.And Grantorto has set a day for her execution, if no champion appears to defend her."Now sure and by my life,Too much am I too blame for that faire Maide,That have her drawne to all this troublous strife,Through promise to afford her timely aide,Which be default I have not yet defraide.But witness unto me, ye heavens, that knowHow cleare I am from blame of this upbraide:For ye into like thraldome me did throw,And kept from complishing the faith, which I did owe."Yes, there were all those women you needed to murder with your robot. But enough of this, on! On to Grantorto and the rescue of Irene!Right after this encouter with a Frenchman.PART FOUR - The House of Bourbon.From the notes; "The episode of Sir Burbon is a retelling of recent French history. Burbon figures Henri de Navarre, head of the house of Bourbon. In 1589 Henri was designated king of France bye Henri III, the last of the Valois kings. Navarre was of Protestant persuasion, but altercations about his Protestantism and the long delay in crowning him led him in 1593 to embrace Roman Catholicism with his famous remark 'Paris vaut bien une messe' (Paris is well worth a Mass). He was crowned in 1594."And yo

And Thor needs to return to Asgard.Once again, the super-powered Arthur needs to be separated from the normie trash he's been following around so they can do something in the last Canto. In this case he needs to go and save Belgium in an even-more-allegorical part of this highly allegorical poem in which too little happens without much interest and takes a long time doing it.The opening verses are perhaps notable in their hypocrisy;"Some Clarkes doe doubt in their devicefull art,Whether this heavenly thing, whereof I treat,To weeten Mercie, be of Justice part,Or drawne forth from her by divine extreate.This well I wote, that sure she is as great,And meriteth to have as high a place,Sith in the'Almighties everlasting seatShe first was bred, and borne of heavenly race;From thence pour'd down on men, by influence of grace.For if that Vertue be of so great might,Which from just verdict will for nothing start,But to preserve inviolated right,Oft spilles the principall, to save the part;So much more then is that of powre and art,That seekes to save the subject of her skill,Yet never doth from doome of right depart:And it is greater prayse to save, then spill,And better to reforme, then to cut off the ill."This in the least-merciful of all Books of the Faerie Queene, defined largely by the murder and mutilation of women by a fucking robot.Though I will give props for "devicefull art".Anyway, the rest of this Canto is about an English intervention in the Low Countries.Some princes turn up. Their mother Belge is oppressed by the Seneshall of Grantorto. Arthor goes to find her living in a bog. They go to the main city where the baddy has built a big castle and set up an idol to false gods with a Rancor under it. Arthur fights the main baddy and kills him in two verses. Three more guys come at him as one and he kills them. Problem solves, Belge restored except I think he still has to fight he Rancor next Canto.Just enjoy this attractive Walter Crane dealIt's so predictable, tiresome, reductive and boring that, even though it is long, the notes at the back are shorter and more interesting so I will give you those instead;7 Belgae: The Belge Episode (10.7-11.35) treats the oppression of the Low Countries by Spain. Belge's seventeen 'sonnes' are the seventeen provinces which comprised the Low Countries. In 1580 five of the provinces threw off their allegiance to Phillip II (see stanza 8.1-2) and in 1584 offered Elizabeth the sovereignty, which she refused. In 1585 she sent Leicester and an army of seven thousand to id the provinces. Although the expedition arrived too late to save the besieged city of Antwerp, the provinces were overjoyed with Leicester, to whom they offered the governorship, which he accepted. His acceptance infuriated Elizabeth, who recalled him. When he returned to the Low Countries, the effect of British intervention had been dissipated, although some victories against Spanish oppression had been achieved. Most notable was the battle of Zutphen, in which Sir Philip Sidney was mortally wounded. Spenser models some details of this episode on Orlando's rescue of Olimpia in Holland (OF 9.17 FF).8-10 fell Tyrant: Gerioneo, with his triple body, represents Phillip II's power, which controlled Spain, Portugal and the Low Countries. The name is derived from Geryon, a monster mentioned in Aen 7.662 and Natalia Comes, 7.1. For other references see Var_., p. 250. Milton, following Spenser, makes the association of Geryon with Spain (PL II.410-11). As one of his twelve labours Hercules had to steal Geryon's cattle, guarded by his herdsman Eurytion and the two-headed dog Orthrus, whose parentage Spenser derived from Hesiod, Theogony, 306-9 or Silius Italicus, 13.845. Spenser makes Echidna the mother of the Blatant Beast (VI.6.9.9).23 4 cities sackt: the Duke of Alva, Philip II's governor, had ordered any city that would not support a garrison of Spanish troops to be sacked and every inhabitant killed (1572). See Gough, p. 297.25 1 Citie farre vp land: probably the besieged Antwerp that Leicester came too late to rescue. According to Gough, Antwerp was the richest city in Europe at the time.25 6 Shut vp her hauen: the Duke of Alva built a bridge across the Scheldt river to keep supplies from Antwerp.27 2 inquisition: suppression. The word bears some of the weight of the Roman Catholic Inquisition, the heresy-hunting court introduced into the Low Countries by Charles V and enforced by his son Phillip II. In 1568 the Inquisition condemned to death all the inhabitants except for a few, specifically named.28 The description of Gerioneo's chapel and altar is Spenser's depiction of the Roman Catholic Mass, in which the central part of the liturgy is still called the 'sacrifice' (l.6), the memorial re-enactment of Christ's Last Supper (Matthew 26.26-8). Protestants regarded the re-enactment as a symbolic memorial, while Roman Catholics saw it as an actual renewal of Christ's sacrifice, the wine and the bread becoming the body and blood of Christ. The theological point was a primary source of dissension amongst Protestants and Catholics, who sacrificed both flesh and blood in support of one side or the other of the controversy.28 9 agrize: horrify.Book Five Canto TenPodecaste