Fear of Failure, a Lifelong Search for Love and Fulfillment

Life shouldn't be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand and wine in the other, screaming "Woo-hoo, what a ride!"

As the ceremonies were winding down, I went to find Mary. She was talking to Melenie just outside the front door. As I approached her, Mary seemed confused. She was telling Melenie she didn’t remember singing any songs. Seeing me next to her, Mary wanted to know if she had already performed. I said both of the songs were great. The crowd even sang with her during the National Anthem. She looked back to Melenie, and repeated: “I don’t remember singing at all.”

Two years later, we found we weren't using the horses anymore. I think our hearts were too broken. So, I gave both Mocha Too and Lucy to my sister Jackie. She and Steve came on a weekend and took the horses to Fresno. The next week they returned to get the horse equipment, all of it. Jackie commandeered my saddles, my pads, my blankets, my halters and bridles and extra bits. She took the saddle racks off the walls. She even removed and pocketed the spurs on my boots. I’m sure that was illegal; you cannot take a cowboy’s spurs. However, she put everything to good use.

"I was standing in my front room by the window at approximately 7:00 PM. All of the windows and doors were opening my house. I heard a tremendous crash then a thunk. There were no screeches of brakes before or after these disturbing sounds. ---testimony from neighbor Robbie Derrick.

Although I no longer enjoyed any breeding contracts at the large horse ranches, I continued to see horses for other clients. Many of these folks were becoming tired of their horses. Some were older animals left over from the days when the kids were still at home, now more interested in gasoline, perfume, and alcohol instead. Other people were moving out of the area and didn’t want to take their horses with them. Some were getting too old to ride and just wanted them given out to a good home. Soon the old ostrich pens were populated with horses named Blackie, Dharma, Lucy, Lenny, and Shiloh, in addition to Candybar, Mocha, and Casey who were already members of the Shadowmere Riding Club.

Tuesday morning when I went out to feed her, Candybar had a foal suckling her. Mary and I immediately checked it out. As with any first newborn child, we bought books to help us rear an offspring, one who would be confident with people from the very beginning. We lavished much time and attention on Mocha, and the efforts paid off.

Women can forgive physical cheating, but not an emotional one. On the contrary, men can forgive emotional cheating, but not a physical one." Rishi Bharadwaj

"People are always capable of falling in love again." Rishi Bharadwaj

--"You should get your heart broken once or more. You will get to know who you are and what do you want in a life partner." Rishi Bharadwaj -- Because of my consistent philandering and neglect, Mary finally tired of my escapades, informing me it was time for me to leave. I was expecting this but hadn't thought it out yet. -You should get your heart broken once or more. You will get to know who you are and what do you want in a life partner. Rishi Bharadwaj

The gathering starts right after daybreak. A group of cowboys on horses set out and methodically sweep from one side of the ranch to the other, keeping the startled cows and calves in front of them and pushing them toward the barn area. As more cows and calves enter the growing herd, the noise level rises. Each cow has a low “moo,” distinctive enough to be distinguished by each cow’s baby, and vice versa. The baby responds in a higher pitch “baa,” thus both mom and baby can find each other.

Cowboys Ride the Iron Horse is a roller-coaster chapter taking place on a snowbound train trying to get to Reno, Nevada.

Although intelligent enough to graduate veterinary school a month after my 27th birthday, it would take me many more years before I found my true self.

In the late spring of 1996, I received a notice from the AAAV they were looking for more material for the ostrich part of their annual convention at Tampa Bay Aug 28-30. I submitted a paper on Adverse Effects of High Environmental Temperatures on Ostrich Chicks, which was accepted. Mary agreed to come along on my trip to Tampa Bay, which was after the big shout-out at the restaurant and before she served me with divorce papers. But still, she gave the thing another try and came along, arranging to have Nanny Kerry stay through the weekend with the kids.

“When do you plan on becoming married?” the woman asked. Susan and I looked at each other. We had been maintaining a distance and were not holding hands, surprised, but not really that others could see through the sham, our feelings for each other were so intense. “We are business acquaintances, and we are married to different people,” Susan announced, explaining to all she was accompanying me on these trips to increase her knowledge of ostrich medicine. The woman across the table remained unconvinced of our public declarations of abstinence. “I want to know what I could say to my husband to let me go on an extended trip with my veterinarian,” the woman wondered aloud.

Deciding to create a plant paradise at Shadowmere Farms, I enrolled in classes at Santa Barbara Botanical Gardens to figure out how to grow those plants that could thrive in our climate zone. And I encouraged my extra-marital affair by meeting up with Susan, who was taking the exact same classes. Because of the long distance between Santa Barbara and Paso Robles I stayed at a hotel on beach.

My second ostrich speaking engagement happened at the American Ostrich Association’s yearly meeting in Dallas, Texas. I was one of four well-known ostrich vets invited to speak to AOA members regarding health and veterinary issues for their million-dollar birds. After talks finished in the early afternoon, the entire audience congregated in a large auditorium to have a doctor question and answer period. The speakers were seated on a stage, just as I had done in Reno. I felt a difference this time. I was less nervous and ready to add my opinion to various questions. Dr. Karen Hicks was sitting to my left, and Dr. Shivaprasad was on my right. We were discussing the topic of identifying an overweight condition in ostrich hens. I suggested these birds are easy to see by viewing them from the back. Their round body form reminded me of a woman wearing pantyhose too small for her. Listen to the podcast to hear the audience’s reaction.

I was smitten by this new woman in my life. Besides being pretty, Susan was keenly interested in my veterinary lifestyle. Her magnetism pulled me into an unthinking blissful bubble. My insecurities heightened her appeal. Susan became my new sidekick; my supercharged mind released tons of endorphins deepening my ADHD hyper-focus. My brain surged with warm and fuzzy magic molecules, thus I thought about her constantly. During this period of fuzzy, I conveniently forgot my marriage vows. While Mary was taking care of the family and the ostriches, and managing the practice’s financial matters, she had less time for me. In my immaturity I saw this as a failure on her part. In my mind I replaced Susan for Mary as she focused on raising our kids. She was taking care of family, I felt neglected; it became much easier to follow my new rainbow.

A few years into our marriage my ADHD insecurities partnered with my immature mindset to lead me down a rabbit hole of temptation, betrayal, disloyalty, and sadness.

When notice spread I was an ostrich veterinarian, calls asking for my help arrived regularly, many of them out of our area code. One call came from a fellow with a family fleeing South Africa, eager to set up an ostrich egg importation/quarantine station to bring ostriches to the United States. Such a station is required to keep foreign diseases from coming here. My experiences inside these quarantine stations gave me insight to write Death from Down Under and Cocaine Eggs.

My confidence in my veterinary learning had developed to the point where I was ready to teach others what I had learned. I call this the circle of knowledge. First one must learn and understand the technique. Next comes using what you’ve learned over and over again until it becomes a part of you. Finally, it’s time to teach others what you’ve mastered. This is how knowledge enhances our human experience.