Fesshole: The Podcast

“The one where we say the sentence 'a really angry Egyptian who just wanted to fill the pyramids with piss'” Just one of the episode titles we brainstormed this week - others included: "The one where Rob admits he’d hide a dead pet to prevent not getting a shag" "The one where we add Anon Opin to the show which is like adding horse to your supermarket lasagne - it’s a delicious meat but it’s not what you paid for" "The one where we write new jingles, muck with the format and mention the KLF & Phil Collins" "The one where we share unsubstantiated gossip about a comedian so rich they have a butler" (Ok, maybe we'll use that one for the show graphic) It's hard doing episode names because it need to be both honest AND give a reason for you to listen. Anyway, it's a good episode, we think. The new sections are: 1. Confessions that most caught our eyes 2. Just ones that make me laugh 3. Highest rated 4. Anon_Opin bonus round 5. Best comments This replaces the idea of doing a top ten, so it's shorter more digestible chunks, that's the theory, or is it copy from a dog food advert? Regardless, here's our fav fesses from the show: "Each time I was at Coventry station, I'd buy a first class single to Birmingham International, which cost £2.10. Then make use of the free hot drinks and biscuits in the first class lounge. A lot cheaper than the station cafe. Lounge now closed, I'm probably responsible." "Dry liner here and on every new build, I used to piss in an empty bottle and put it in the wall cavity then board it up and I wasn't the only person to do this. So basically all the new builds around sports city, them nice apartments near Man City's ground are full of piss." "Whenever I stay away from home with work, which is about every other week, I try and book different hotels to my colleagues. That way I don't have to listen to work chat at breakfast and work chat at dinner time. I've had enough of that at work, oddly enough, you boring fucks." "Mrs had told me she wanted sex later. Chased kids to bed early and locked the house up before heading upstairs. Found the cat, that I'd not seen all day, was dead behind the couch. Knew this would upset the Mrs, so no sex. Ignored cat til the next day." "Me and the wife have been married for over 20 years and decided to try something new. Long story short, I ended up watching her having sex with a guy. Fast forward 6 months, he now lives with us and I sleep in the spare room." BYE AND SEE YOU NEXT WEEK YOU BUNCH OF HORRORS Rob ------- Producer: Will Fitzpatrick tempotalker.com

The thing about Fesshole is people ask me why it exists and what it all means and i'm not sure I could tell you really. There are projects I've started where I've had clear objectives and there's something like Fesshole where it's more like I'm a sorcerer's apprentice, in that I knew I could get something like this to work, but it's not like I'm in control of it. I've made some kind of weird magic soup and I don't even know what effect it has on you or even me as the chef. In this episode I talk to Philippa Perry. As an aside she suggested something: that maybe these inexplicable impulses are art. Is Fesshole art? Well not intentionally, for me it's craft and comedy. I know how to run user generated projects - and I like jokes. HOWEVER I am not the audience, for you it might be something else: an insight into human nature, or maybe just a reason to never speak to men again. But the best thing about this episode is Philippa Perry laughing and encouraging us to carry on. And here's the rudest ones I read out to Philip and what a good sport she was for not ending the recording there and then: "Met a girl in a bar in Dublin. Went outside in the alley to get it on. She thought it was 'hot' that I wasn't wearing underwear. Didn't have the heart to tell her I'd discarded my pants when I shat them in a farting competition 30 minutes previously." "For 10 years my husband has wanted me to poo on him in bed. I've always said no because I think it's disgusting. About two weeks ago, I gave in and did it. It was completely disgusting, he looked repulsed, barely touched it and neither of us has mentioned it since." "Standing naked in the bathroom, about to get in the shower, I had a fart brewing in front of my wife. To put on a show I squatted to let it out in all its glory and shat on the bath mat. 5 years later I'm getting divorced, can't help but feel this incident may have caused it." "After sex I place a single tissue over my knob to make it look like a little ghost. I shout 'woooo' at my girlfriend and twitch it about. She says she's going to leave me if I do it again. I'm going to to it again." "I heard my neighbour moaning one morning and had a wank listening to her. Found out later she was out and it was a pigeon." "Probably the lowest point of the early years after my divorce was me in the kitchen at 11pm, drinking whisky, some meatballs cooking in the deep fat fryer, having a wank straight into the kitchen bin." Producer: Will Fitzpatrick tempotalker.com

Turning the Fesshole Twitter account into other things is apparently what I do now. So far there's been two books and several live shows - so why not a podcast? The Fesshole novelty keyring is coming soon. At the simplest level, let's just pick some funny confessions and read them out and react to them. So that's what we've done here, a top ten in reverse order: 10. "My wife is a police officer. Her name is Nina. She can never find out how obviously hilarious I find this." 9. "After my husband cheated and left me his emails still popped up on my laptop. One day up popped a holiday he'd booked for him and her. I clicked on the link and it took me straight to the booking, whereupon I canceled the trip. He would have had no idea it was me." 8. "Once I took a shower at a friend's house hoping his hot mum would walk in on me. Instead his dad did and not only did he not know I was in the shower but took a shit, stunk the bathroom out and then his hot mum found me walking out of the stinking bathroom." 7. "I bought my house from a musician. Last Xmas, a package arrived for him. I don't have his contact info, so I sent him a Facebook message. Nada. I finally opened it & found a box of chocolates from Ringo Starr. They were exquisite, so this year, I didn't hesitate. Thanks, Ringo." 6. "My husband's best friend is female. If we're having a fight, he tries to get her to back him but she always takes my side. I really like her." 5. "Been running at the gym to lose weight. Last week, an athletic young woman was running next to me, 2 mph faster. Stupidly, I upped mine to 2 mph more than her thinking in my chimp brain it might have impressed her. It didn't. My Airpod fell out, and I tripped and broke my wrist." 4. "This term, i've told my 5 yr old boy a joke to tell his friends at school every morning. It's become a big deal, with kids crowding around hear it. Realised after drop off today I'm craving the validation of 5 yr olds, and now I need to keep finding jokes for him to tell." 3. "I manage a bar & I had enough of customers being rude while waiting for drinks.  So I decided to create a 'cunt' button on the till where it adds £2.50 to their bill. Proceeds made from that button went to our Xmas do. Last year's button got us £12k." 2. "Smoking is a dirty, disgusting, and expensive habit. I "helped" my girlfriend to quit smoking a few years ago by training her parrot to say "phewee! Smells like cancer," followed by a fake cough, every time she lit up a cancer stick. Thank you Jellybean the parrot, you legend." 1. "Got invited to lunch with the "big boss" last year. I told him how 80% of the work was done by 20% of the people and we'd be better off without most of the team. He agreed, and 6 months later I was one of the many, many layoffs as part of an efficiency drive. Fair play." Having recorded this, my gut feeling is a top ten isn't the way to do it, but the chat was enjoyable, so tune in next time to see what we've come up with - we're on a journey to nail this format, and you're all invited.  Producer: Will Fitzpatrick tempotalker.com

Hello, potential listeners! It's Rob Manuel here, the creator of Fesshole, and co-host of this brand new podcast.  Right, now is the time to reveal a little more by giving you a trailer that isn't just me and David Stevenson pretending to be aliens in an imaginary episode of Star Trek.   So this trailer does sensible things like tell you the show is coming in multiple formats including: the week in review; interview episodes; talk to the fessors; and even a game show one. And we've included very, very tiny clips so you can hear we're not bullshitting and have actually recorded stuff.  It's not just some confidence trick to see if we can make a podcast that doesn't exist chart in some KLF made out of sellotape stunt. However by showing you our ankles you can now think "but I preferred imagining your ankles, that was sexier" but this is the nature of media projects, at some point you have to get off the toilet and show people the turd you've pooped out asking "do you reckon this will flush? Should we see a doctor?" That's how it works at the News At Ten with Trevor McDonald, and that's how it works for us. Wait, you're bothering to read this coz you like confessions and you don't just want silly waffle.  OK, here's some fesses we rejected this week as bonus content not available elsewhere: "When I feel dejected I like to eat a tub worth of vaseline" "I was struggling for inspiration for a name for my unborn son. I found that inspiration from my local newspaper's  'crimewatch' section" "Friend's Nan rang up all mithered, she said there was a paedophile in her pantry & asked if someone could come and remove it. Rather pleased to find it was a centipede and not in-fact a paedophile" (Rejected that last one not coz it's not funny, it is, but was slightly worried it was nicked off a video that did the rounds a few years back. See we have standards.) Anyway, enjoy the trailer proper - toodle-pip, and lots of love from your admin Roberto Manuel who believes in you and your ability to subscribe to this podcast. 

People kept telling us to start a Fesshole podcast - and we finally listened! But we're giving away NOTHING here other than we're starting the Fesshole podcast and we want you to subscribe. So subscribe, ok? Seriously, that's the point of this page, we could tell you a load of bollocks about what's in it, or we could have a few days of mystery where you can guess what's in it. This is the golden moment where the podcast could be anything you could imagine. Think of the best version of the Fesshole podcast, in your head, keep that thought, because it could be that, and you'd like that wouldn't you? Subscribe now to the Fesshole podcast so that you're the first to hear the actual podcast when it comes out, because it's nice to be first at something in life isn't it?