Flying Solo

In the first episode, we meet Jo Whiu, a grandmother to seven young mokopuna. Daughter Lisa is a recovering P addict and has recently moved back home.By Lynda Chanwai-EarleWinter's coming on, so the mattresses sprawl across the living room floor. When you've got seven mokopuna in a three bedroom house, that's the only way to make sure all the children can sleep inside.At the Whiu "marae", summer means the three big kids can spread out in the garage. But on cold nights in Hawke's Bay, grandmother Jo Whiu says she wouldn't even let a dog sleep out there.So they cram in together, a big whanau determined to make some big changes in their lives.What does it take to bring up children on your own? How does a single parent be both mum and dad to their children? I wanted to hear how New Zealanders make it work these days. I'm a solo-parent myself so I know what it takes; but sometimes flying solo can be damn challenging.Take for instance the night I woke to go to the bathroom, slipping on my polished wood staircase. I fell and broke my scapula, massive hematomas, impressive rainbow coloured bruises.Not wanting to wake my two young kids, I waited until the morning to ask for help from a friend. It's times like those you wistfully think it'd be great to have another adult around. Then I heard about Hastings grandmother Jo Whiu.Jo's bringing up seven grandchildren, aged from 10 months to 12 years. She's one of 9500 Kiwi grandparents who have found themselves responsible for raising their children's children. CYFS placed all the kids in Jo's care because her daughter, Lisa, is a recovering P addict. Lisa has recently moved back home, picking up the pieces.Jo's family is one of just over 200,000 sole parent families in New Zealand, up four percent since 2006. Most of them have only one or two children, a far cry from Jo's busy home.The three eldest call Jo "Mum", in a clear sign of who's brought them up. Peter, now 12, came to Jo first when he was two. Only one of Lisa's eight children, little Tui, lives elsewhere.The night I meet 46 year-old Jo she's ripping up clean rags to create bandages for nine-year-old Reign's grazes. Reign tangled with a ball while playing out in the street; big grazes everywhere and a depleted first aid kit.While Jo's mending, 29 year-old Lisa is cooking roast lamb and veges for the hungry kids. Money's tight but they have a productive vegetable garden…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Lynda Chanwai-Earle meets one of the minorities, Pakeha solo dad Warren. He tackles - with humour - co-parenting through two separations, a child with depression, alcohol and more.Content warning: This episode contains discussions of suicide.By Lynda Chanwai-Earle"It doesn't have to be negative. It doesn't have to compromise your ability to be a good parent."Warren's busy tying the shoelaces of 9-year-old son Lucas's footie boots. He's up bright and early on a Saturday at the football ground in Brooklyn, Wellington, to cheer on Lucas and his Brooklyn Northern United Cyclones, Grade 10 team. After this it's back home to cook up a lunchtime burgers - "Beer?" chips in Lucas, "No!" Warren laughs, "Beer?! Clearly no, a burger, not beer!"Humour's big in this family and Warren's playing dad and mum today to Lucas and his 20-year-old daughter Olivia, who's recently moved back home.Being a single-income family, doing all the stuff that might have been done by a team of two such as putting the rubbish out, paying bills, and Saturday morning sport ... that's what the podcast Flying Solo is all about.Warren's family is one of over 200,000 sole-parent families in New Zealand. The 2013 census recorded that almost 85 percent of single-parents were women, only 16 percent of sole parents are men, like Warren.Land Information New Zealand contracts manager and ex-wife Meg, had the three eldest kids; Jacob's 25, Georgina's 23 and Olivia is 20. Meg and Warren split-up when the kids were at primary school, his first taste of being a solo-dad.A decade later Warren had fourth child Lucas with ex-partner Christine. They split-up when Lucas was four and they share the care of Lucas.In Warren's three story modernist home in Northland, close to the capital's CBD, cheeky banter is served up between Olivia (aka Livie) and dad as they cook their burgers. A self-contained flat downstairs serves Warren's three elder children as they come and go.Olivia's recent return was for her mother Meg's wedding, which ex-husband Warren was invited to and which turned out to be a great catch-up for all the family.Warren has a healthy co-parenting relationship with his ex-partners, but when he first became a solo dad did he feel alone? Was it a shock to the system?"When I was with the kids I never felt alone, it was one of the things that relieved the loneliness was to get involved with the kids, because I often wouldn't have a partner."In hindsight, Olivia sees her parent's split as a good thing. Adults who fight is worse…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Lynda Chanwai-Earle meets single-working parent Tamsyn Matchett who knows a thing or two about being discriminated against, especially overcoming the stigma around being a "brown, solo-mum".By Lynda Chanwai-EarleSingle-working parent Tamsyn Matchett knows a thing or two about being dissed."I've been wildly disrespected as a single parent. Just being a young mum in general. There's really a total lack of respect ... being half brown is always going to be an issue. People are gonna go, "Huh! Brown Girl!"Born in Tāmaki Makaurau, Tamsyn is half Tongan, half Palangi. Tamsyn is a go-getter and co-hosts Dirt-bag Radio on bFM. She's an aspiring opera singer with a Bachelor in Music from Otago University.Tamsyn is also a solo-mum, or as another solo-mother prefers to put it; 'a single-working-parent' to her almost eight-year-old daughter Ruby.But cut-off from the Tongan side of her family at a young age, Tamsyn is also a woman on a quest.More than 200,000 families in this country are headed by a single parent. This six-part RNZ podcast series, Flying Solo aims to find out what that means for New Zealand.Tamsyn's journey as a solo-parent has been challenging: "I was 24; very unplanned and I barely knew Ruby's dad. I was at the University of Otago. I was living off my $150 student allowance. At the time I thought - I can do this."I don't want to diminish myself but looking back, I was super immature how I managed my relationship with Ruby's dad. I had unrealistic expectations of being a parent."The couple split up, but Tamsyn admits, "That was definitely not fault. He has always been a central part of Ruby's life."Tamsyn's own mother was also a young, struggling solo-parent, so Tamsyn was adopted by her grandparents as a baby. Tamsyn grew up not knowing her Tongan father.When she had Ruby she moved back home with Ruby's great-grandparent's and found the support she needed.The family's 1960s three-bedroom home on Auckland's North Shore houses Tamsyn, Ruby and matriarch and great-grandmother Glenda who takes piano lessons in the small studio downstairs (she's in her 70s) and great-granddad Popa Kenneth. Lovingly nicknamed 'Mr Marshmallow', his very sweet demeanour and his dementia are part of daily life. Ruby's dad, who lives nearby, shares her care."She has two extremely, exceptionally loving homes," Tamsyn says. And Ruby's dad is a devoted father.Tamsyn has no regrets about breaking up with Ruby's father, "How can you prefer to be in one unhappy household, as opposed to going between two happy and loving and secure households?"…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Lynda Chanwai-Earle meets a Wellington police constable who has been a solo dad full-time since his son was five.In episode four of Flying Solo, Lynda Chanwai-Earle meets a Wellington police constable who has been a solo dad full-time since his son was five.Henare Jones* will never forget the birth of his son Tama* sixteen years ago; it was an emergency c-section, very stressful. So what was it like holding your son for the first time?"It was surreal. He looked like a raisin, so fragile. He sat on my forearm, he was so tiny."Out of concern for their families we've agreed to change the names of the father and son in this episode, but their story is as real as it gets.What does it mean to be a solo-parent?For Henare, it's all about Tama. Surrounded by sporting trophies at their large, comfortable and spotless family home in Wellington, Henare takes me back to where it all started - with Tama's mum.The couple had already separated when she told him she was pregnant. Henare agreed to stay by her side to bring up their child as co-parents. He got to name their son so long as he was at her "beck and call." Which meant going to everything; antenatal classes, doctor's visits, supermarket runs and, of course, the birth.From the moment he was born, Henare craved the connection with his baby boy. Tama's mother began with 100% care of her son but she struggled with post-natal depression, so Henare stepped in.Plunket estimates around 13 percent of new mothers suffer from clinical depression sometime in the first year of their baby's life.Henare's family is one of over 200,000 sole-parent families in New Zealand. The 2013 census recorded that almost 85 percent of single parents were women; only 15 percent men. Of those sole parents, one-third work full-time.That's hard enough, juggling full-time work with childcare. But dangerous, 24/7, frontline police work is something else again, especially for a single-parent. That's why Henare, who's Maori and in his 40s, gave up frontline work to become a Youth Aid Officer with schools in the Wellington region."Tama's mother just didn't like the idea of me being a police officer. She liked the idea of the job but not the reality, the dangers of being frontline. It was too stressful for her."Working out childcare arrangements became a struggle in those early years. So Henare was faced with his toughest choice, and decided to go to the Family Court to request 100% legal guardianship of Tama, who then was still a pre-schooler.At the first of six mediation sessions supplied by the Family Court, Tama's mother admitted she was a career woman and that motherhood was a struggle…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Sleep deprivation will make you desperate. In episode five of Flying Solo, Lynda Chanwai-Earle meets a solo-parent who's in the majority - 33 year old Pakeha mother Imogen and her 4-year-old son Manea."There have been moments - especially when my son was quite young - he'd be lying there crying, and I'd just be so exhausted. Just not having that second person ... lying there crying in front of your baby. You desperately need to have a break and you just can't."Exhaustion is the biggest challenge for any new parent with a baby, let alone single, working parents.Thirty-three year-old solo mum Imogen Alcorn is incredibly grateful for her supportive family and friends. She says that without them, she doesn't know how she would have coped.Born in Wellington, Imogen is the third of four siblings whose parents separated and later remarried. As a teenager, Imogen was raised by a sole parent, her mum Robyn, a community worker with four kids to care for.Imogen had her son when she was 29 and has been his primary care giver since he was born."I'm the mother of a beautiful 4-year-old son, Manea," says Imogen. "Manea was born in 2012, the Year of the Water Dragon. We call him our little taniwha." She adds hopefully "fierce children, but apparently wonderful adults that look after their parents." Imogen and Manea recently left a busy flat in inner city Newtown to live with her dad, Andrew Alcorn. It's a warm, delightfully artistic, sprawling home in Eastbourne, on the other side of the harbour.Manea loves living with Poppa Andrew but he misses his previous home and flatmates. Their old home was close to other families, playgroup, the zoo and most importantly close to Massey University, where Imogen is completing her final year of a Bachelor of Social Work.When Imogen graduates, she's keen to be an entry-level social worker in the areas of sole-parenting, sexual violence or mental health sectors.It's the social hub of Newtown that Imogen misses. "We were pretty involved with the community, and Newtown's a really lovely place to be when you're solo-parenting. I'd still be in Newtown if I could afford to be."Why the move? "Our rent went up and trying to fill the rest of the house was a struggle. It's hard to find people that you want living with your kid, and it's hard to find people that will put up living with your kid. When our rent went up, I thought I can't do this anymore."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details