Giles Coren Has No Idea

The Garrick Club is finally opening its doors to women, well some women. Whilst not a member, as a regular frequenter of the Garrick Giles lets daylight in upon magic and reveals the earth-shattering secrets of the gentleman’s club. Esther wonders why on earth anyone would bother. A grassroots Muslim campaign group emboldens Giles and Esther to offer their own list of demands to potential PM Keir Starmer. Brexit makes an unwelcome return as the fall guy for a bad opening night. Esther has sympathy but Giles smells a Gallic rat.Finally, Esther stumbles upon the unforeseen consequences of automatic only driving tests…doom in a post-apocalyptic world. But does it make her sad...? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The pressing question this week is: If a T-Rex played Taylor Swift at chess who would win? An octopus has offered to referee, but only if it is paid in food stamps. ‘An expert’ has suggested that the T’Rex may have been a little dim…so Giles wonders what or who constitutes dim in the 21st century...?Could the demise of Humza Yousaf be down to the Scottish Nationalists losing the culture wars…when asked for their opinion the great Scottish public replied “Get te f**k!” It turns out that it is not only opinionated columnists who need the culture wars, the Tory party do too, and possibly the Daily Mail. Bland, over processed and will do you no good – Taylor Swift or supermarket bread? The bread of course, but some, may have reached Taylor Swift saturation point.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Could the culture wars finally be drawing to a close? If they are what will Giles talk about in future; certainly not ancient antiquities, his knowledge is lacking in that sphere. How to spice up one’s autobiography, some celeb gossip here, a royal orgy there…let’s ask Rebel Wilson she is bound to have a few more ideas.Age is but a number, which may just be seventeen thousand. That’s what John Cleese is paying for stem cell therapy. But why worry, what of the crows of the air, they do not sow or reap…perhaps because they are to preoccupied with the ‘Tokyo crow controller’…Lastly, what makes a good friendship…Giles doesn’t care he’s too busy picking up crisp packets.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Warning flag: this episode contains sensitive content.Fresh from the Easter recess Giles and Esther have a cunning plan to lure in new listeners, they’re flying the flag for air fryers. Keen to be welcoming of all cooking methods they undertake some thorough research which includes never using, trying or knowing anything about air fryers, before coming to a categoric conclusion on the latest kitchen gadget… They take a look at the most expensive streets to live in the UK - none of which have flags in the  front garden - and compare them to their own ends.Saving the best till last Giles and Esther try to identify the twenty-one sexuality and gender flags on display at a hospital reception in the midlands. Giles can’t find his flag, and he is worried about members of the Royal Navy. Finally, he stumbles upon an idea which he sends up his flagpole to see if it gets a salute…  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Britain was made great by arseholes; MP’s thinking about porn and national stereotypes. It’s a very slow news week. Lacking stimulation Giles and Esther turn to pornography and the MP’s who are worrying about its effect on sex education. Inspired, Giles decides he can write a piece in praise of ‘the arsehole’ – they have a game of “good arsehole, bad arsehole” and speculate on the nature of Sacha Baron Cohen’s arsehole-ness.  Fully expecting to face justice for their crimes against good taste Giles and Esther consider the potential end to the trial by jury system. In its place…trail by ordeal. Their punishment; to spend eternity gazing at an awful sculpture of a moustachioed plumber. Finally, an Italian, an Aussie and a Swede walk into a sauna... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The new Bond, MP’s presenting TV programmes, Giles is a Gorilla and Ewan McGregor’s…acting skills.Giles is very excited by the latest actor being linked with the role of James Bond, he feels sure he has some useful tips for the scrip writers – a Volvo car, a fussy mother, and some anti-allergy pillows.Elsewhere, what would the BBC advertise if they could… waterproof pants or Stormzy’s latest album? Giles is preoccupied with the effect gravity is having on Ewan McGregor’s acting career. And Esther and Giles believe in the benefits of fasting, they have a gut feeling it’s a good thing. Sadly, recent research may disagree, they turn to Love Island contestant Auto Phagya for help. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Giles has gone down the RAC rabbit hole, and to his delight it is providing him with an endless stream of evidence proving that he is, surprise surprise… an excellent driver. Not content with that he decides to quiz Esther on some of the most common driving myths, thus proving that she is not an excellent driver. You be the judge as to the veracity of his conclusions.In a column that writes itself the ONS’s inflation basket gets a makeover for centrist dads, boomers, and millennials. Finally, Esther nails her colours to the mast – what is the point of university..?** Mansfield College does in fact have college status, granted in 1995.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Peter Mandelson thinks Keir Starmer "needs to shed a few pounds". And Giles, always the friendly neighbour, thinks he can help his local MP look his dashing best on camera. What should he wear, where should he stand, and who should he stand next to? You're welcome Sir Keir - a future invite to Chequers is surely inevitable... Plus, it's International Women's Day. So what better way to celebrate than writing about what International Men's Day would look like? And while in the safe confines of podcast land, Giles asks Esther about whether she's scared of the menopause. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Following last week’s comments about the Israel Gaza conflict, Giles had a visit to a local synagogue to navigate. It turned out the Rabbi may have been more famous than he is, but Giles did his aunt proud – shepping nachas!Looking for a diversion, Giles and Esther watched a documentary on ‘Bennifer’ - Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez…it was quite a disappointment. Their version of a great love story has more in common with the Twits, things get out of hand when they list their pet peeves.Staying with America, Peppa Pig is spreading the English accent across the Atlantic. Neither are fans of the pink oinker, or of world book day as it turns out. Finally, some wet nappies tie the whole thing together, sort of.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It’s a challenging and thoughtful episode this week. Giles has changed his opinion on the Israel Gaza conflict. He reflects on the time since he last spoke and wrote about it back in October; his final comments then proved depressingly accurate. Esther is caught off guard when discussing the fate of Russian dissident Alexei Navalny. Thereafter, all other subjects seem to be ‘tap dancing’ around the edges, but nevertheless men’s jewellery leads to an amusing insight into Esther and Giles respective sex lives at university…  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

VAT on school fees offers Giles and Esther the chance to consider the effects of a deluge of public-school children into the state system. Should it come to pass there will be a familiar cast of winners and losers. A pressing question; how should one dress when out in Mayfair? As shabbily as possible it seems, with good reason, oh and don’t wear a watch. After the break the Kings cancer diagnoses stirs some emotional memories, but nothing to be exploited. In lighter news it turns out that Orcas are not lost at sea and the French are having less sex, whilst the English are making eyes at their pets...**For those, like me, unsure of the meaning of a ‘mufti day’ it is a non-uniform day at school Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Gwyneth Paltrow is…furious. Thankfully Gwyn has a unique way to unleash her anger. As a man used to losing his temper Giles feels he can give her some tips.Esther and Giles have been mixing in rarefied circles, but they don’t like to talk about it…much. In an exclusive just for the podcast they give a little glimpse into the life of grace and favour.Lean, fearful children, vain rats and a sexy Jesus pave the way for Rishi Sunak and advice on fasting. Sadly, they never did make it to Marcus Rashford or soft drink sommeliers…maybe next time. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What constitutes being fit for your age…a lap of the track, twenty push ups, or lugging a TV to the tip and changing the bed sheets? Giles and Esther put themselves to the test. Is ‘fat neck’ a sign of being unfit, or an ailment or not a thing at all. Whatever it is, Giles definitely doesn’t have it! And while we’re on illness, he doesn’t have man flu either. In fact, ‘man flu’ is just a tired trope…but he might have prostate trouble, but he can’t be sure because his doctor doesn’t wish to do the necessary. Finally, a fly past of beards, queue jumping and potty mouthed parrots, all of which just about adds up to a podcast. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome back and a Happy New Year. Giles welcomes 2024 by pondering the impending apocalypse. Thankfully that doesn’t last long before thoughts turn to working or wanking, or both. Is work by its very definition not to be enjoyed? To quote Esther; “it’s boring and it never stops.” It is unlikely that public sex acts would improve matters much, but it is hard not to consider once the seed has been sown. Speaking of filth, Giles hasn’t washed in six days, but with good reason. Esher on the other had has washed, but in an unconventional manner. Perhaps it is because, like Kate Moss, they just don’t give a fig…Here's to series twelve, thanks for listening. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's fun, it's festive, it’s a bumper edition.We hope you enjoy it. If you do, please share.Merry Christmas, see you in the New Year. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Its Christmas and it’s all hands to the ideas pump. Giles has columns to write, lots of them, and he’d like them done before Christmas eve. Cue a list of perennial Christmas crackers; cost of Christmas, Whamageddon!, other things to avoid before Christmas, who likes Christmas pudding and dead or alive at Christmas…A quick look at robot reverends and Esther’s tips on prepping for the end of the world, and we’re half an hour closer to Christmas.PS Benny Hill didn’t die on Christmas day.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Giles and Esther are feeling a little uneasy about discussing the news. Well, one story in particular, the Israel Gaza conflict. Can anything be said, is anyone the right person to say it? In cheerier news, winter is here, hurrah! Light the fire, hunker down and see no one. Whilst huddled under a blanket Esther has an idea, possibly one ‘borrowed’ from an Adam Sandler film; Esther wants to enact VAR in everyday life…did you really put the toilet seat down? Finally, the merits of single sex or mixed schools - Giles and Esther make their pitch for; “The rest is education.”  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Alternative titles this week could have been ‘Massive Nuts’ or ‘Now imagine you’re on twitter, 16 and a bit thick.’ Anyway, how are you? Yes, you? All set for Christmas? I don’t know where the time goes, only seems two minutes since it was January. Care for a biscuit...? Giles and Esther are discussing small talk. It seems that some Gen Z's might need a helping hand with face-to-face communication. Sad face emoji.  They cover big talk as well with the autumn statement, eating disorders and anti-Semitic octopuses. Finally, they perform a graceful pirouette to discuss a trip to the ballet.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

An eclectic mix of men’s health, politics, literary theory, and superheroes this week.There is an unfortunate faecal air but fear not it is all in aid of cancer awareness, cinematic description or simply doing the Times’ dirty work. Giles ponders what kind of resignation letter he’d write, and Esther writes an ode to David Cameron.  Finally, the superhero is dead, long live the superhero…say hello to ‘The columnist!’ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Giles is feeling cut adrift, in the camp but not part of it, fearing the plight of a secular Jew is a rip off. With that conundrum left unanswered they try to help Barbra Streisand find some fun in her life.  Both agree it is more likely a good book by the fire then a private jet to see Katie Perry. Finally, a big shout out to our listeners in New Zealand – Kia Ora!  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.