DiscoverHealing Broken Trust In Your Marriage After Infidelity
Healing Broken Trust In Your Marriage After Infidelity
Claim Ownership

Healing Broken Trust In Your Marriage After Infidelity

Author: Brad and Morgan Robinson

Subscribed: 3,607Played: 43,055
Share

Description

In this podcast Brad & Morgan Robinson outline everything you need to know to heal after infidelity has wrecked your relationship. If you want to heal after betrayal - whether you had an affair or multiple affairs or it was your partner who hurt you - this podcast is for you! Each episode has a free download available at healingbrokentrust.com so you can work together to fully heal or you can work alone. Either way you'll experience transformation! Brad is a nationally recognized affair recovery expert and licensed marriage and family therapist. He and his wife have helped thousands of couples heal after betrayal and save their family. You can save your family and completely heal even after betrayal.
65 Episodes
Reverse
Love addiction can be a cruel experience for both the addicted person and their spouse.  It may be why your partner hasn't stopped the affair. Visit healingbrokentrust.com for more resources How terrible it is when you can't get the love object out of your mind and every time you see them you can't stop obsessing over them.  Now not everyone experiences this and not every affair is like this necessarily...but we've all likely experienced limerence in our lives at one point or another. As young people many of us experience the elements of infatuation as we develop shallow feelings for someone.   Make sure to listen to episode 1 where we talk about the stages of recovery.  We will also have an episode specifically on the types of affairs.  There are actually 10 different types of affairs.  Not all are created equally. Each type of affair will take you down its own unique winding road and each has its own special challenges. Join us for this episode of Are They Addicted To Love?  What Is Limerence? Could this be how your spouse felt about the affair partner?
Welcome to THE podcast that will teach you how to recover after infidelity has wrecked your relationship.   Brought to you by Brad & Morgan Robinson.  Brad is a national expert on affair recovery and has helped couples strengthen their relationship for nearly a decade.  Morgan creates content to help you recover.  You can find the resources at healingbrokentrust.com   We are so incredibly humbled that you decided to download and hopefully subscribe to our healing broken trust podcast.  We want to start by sharing with you what this healing broken trust podcast is all about and why we are doing it and a few other things.   First, welcome to episode 0 we are really excited for you to be here because it means that you’re considering healing the broken trust in your relationship.  Maybe you’re definitely sure you want to save your relationship, maybe one or both of you is not sure you want to save your marriage but you’re listening to this to see if it’s even possible to heal.  You may be considering what to do or how to move past this big stain on your relationship.  Before you make any definite decisions please listen to this podcast and if you can join our weekly group calls and ask questions.   Whatever your situation, whether you’ve been betrayed or you’re the betrayer and you’re wanting to figure out what to do from here, we can help you.  Even if there’s been multiple affairs or one person isn’t even convinced that there’s been an affair this podcast is for you.   Find additional resources at healingbrokentrust.com   So let’s talk about what we will be covering specifically in this podcast...   So we start with a birds eye view of the healing process with episode 1.  We talk about the stages of recovery.  This is important because you can see and understand the normal recovery process and understand where you might be getting stuck in healing.   We discuss the things that keep people from healing and how to get unstuck and make progress.  We talk about falling out of love with the affair partner and how to fall back in love with your spouse.  We reveal the secrets to healing and identify the one thing you need in order to heal after betrayal.   We talk about how to stop fighting and avoiding important topics.  We talk about how to cut off the affair partner and we establish ground rules for talking about the affair.   We also make sure to answer why affairs happen and how people become vulnerable to infidelity.   We give you the right questions to ask to understand why it happened to you, we talk about whether you should stay or go, and whether all affairs are created equal.   We talk about forgiveness, rekindling romantic love with your spouse, we challenge the myths and false beliefs keeping you down, and finally we talk about how to live the life you really want the life full of growth, love, and happiness.   So sit back and relax and unpack the Healing Broken Trust Podcast with Brad and Morgan Robinson.    Remember we are always just a click away at healingbrokentrust.com  
In this episode we explain a necessary and important step to healing after one or multiple affairs, cheating, betrayal, infidelity...whatever you feel it's best titled...honestly, they feel very similarly no matter the title.  Whether one person made the mistake of cheating or both people were unfaithful.   This will really help you understand where you are in the process of recovering and where you will be going as you work through the healing process. 1. Ultimately we are helping you to recover from the trauma of the affair 2. We are helping the marriage get back on track. NOTE: We're not just helping one individual get back on track.  We are assuming you would like to heal personally and would like to see if the marriage has potential for recovery.  So we talk about how to heal the marriage as well as both individuals. And so that's what we are working for. For additional resources go to healingbrokentrust.com Disclaimer: This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only.  We can’t give you personal advice without knowing your individual situation so this program is not meant to diagnose in any way.
This episode is one of the most important episodes we will do.  It is crucial for you to understand negative cycles and negative patterns of communicating in order to completely transform your relationship after infidelity.   Do you find yourselves fighting or avoiding the important details of the affair?  This episode will help you! Do not miss this episode!!  Find more resources at healingbrokentrust.com
In this episode Brad & Morgan talk about the difficulties of turning off feelings for the affair partner.  Moving past the affair and getting rid of the feelings that you have for the affair partner can be a challenge many don't consider throughout the affair recovery process. If you know someone who has gone through an affair or they are currently struggling with an affair, I would encourage you to tell them to listen to this show. We're diving into how to pull out of limerence and infatuation and we lay the foundation to fall back in love with your spouse.   If you are interested in saving your marriage or you're just not sure what to do this podcast will be helpful to you.  This is an episode you won't want to miss! healingbrokentrust.com
If you've just found out that your spouse has been cheated on you, this is what you really need to do. Unfortunately, you are not alone in affair recovery.  But fortunately you have choices.  You don't have to remain broken and lost.   There is a step by step process to healing after betrayal that we give you in this podcast.  The choices you make right now wherever you are in the process are crucial to your longterm happiness.  Be sure to listen and follow our advice!  We could save you a lot of headache! Be sure to check out healingbrokentrust.com for more resources
We explain a necessary and important step to healing from an affair. We take a balanced approach to affair recovery because your relationship depends on it.  We are dealing with trauma and we are helping the marriage get back on track. We're not just helping one individual get back on track. And so that's what we are working for. We talk about how we can have the betrayer become a supporter and nurturer and how that helps the betrayed or injured spouse heal. And there's a lot of things on the internet, there's a lot of services, there's a lot of different people who say after you have an affair, you lose your voice, you lose your opinions, you no longer have a right to have needs and you got to be a doormat for this person right here. That's very short-sighted and very unhealthy because it's not taking into consideration the factors that led up to the affair.  We are rebuilding more than just one person who has been broken, we are also rebuilding a marriage..... Download, rate, and subscribe!  Go to healingbrokentrust.com to learn how we can help you more.
How to Stop Fighting, or Avoiding, & Get Answers: Part Two of Negative Cycles (First Part is Episode 3)  In this episode we talk about how to understand the best strategies for communication and connecting with your spouse after discovering infidelity in your marriage. Often times we try to heal after betrayal with the old patterns of communication that actually contributed to the affair happening in the first place.  We were caught in a negative cycle before the affair happened and before it was discovered.  Then after the affair is discovered our negative cycle (or old patterns of communicating) don't improve...they simply get worse and cause us to loose control and can cost us our marriage). So in order to completely heal after betrayal we must identify where we get stuck and learn new ways to communicate and connect with each other so you can begin to heal from the infidelity. Until we identify our negative cycle we can't completely heal.  Be sure to check out Episode 3 because it's the first part of this 2 part series.
So many people think they can just stop going around the affair partner and it's magically over.  Some even talk to the affair partner and tell them it's over and it's not REALLY over for many reasons.   Betrayed spouses want to believe their partner when their partner tells them it's over but there is still a lingering desire and a lingering problem that the affair partner may not believe it's over.   The affair partner may not want it to be over and if you don't cut them off correctly they can pop their ugly little head up when you least expect it and cause a mountain of hurt for you.   You don't want to relive the pain of betrayal over AGAIN and AGAIN because of a simple solution that was ignored.   Listen to this week's podcast to learn more about how to cut off the affair partner once and for real this time! Find more resources at healingbrokentrust.com
We lay out 6 ground rules for making your conversations productive when discussing the infidelity.   Does Talking About The Affair Help or Hurt? Why We Loose Control When We Talk About The Affair(s)? How Much Is Too Much? Do I Want To Know The Details? Does Honesty Really Help? We also talk about a crazy brain fact that explains why you loose control when talking about the affair and what you can do to keep your cool even when you just want to scream!   We also talk about what to expect when you talk about the affair and how to not waste your time.   Find more resources at healingbrokentrust.com
One of the big goals of this program, along with helping your relationship heal from betrayal is to help you create secure attachments with each other. When couples have secure attachment bonds and genuinely feel emotionally connected and secure with each other, the chance of an affair is very small. As you share your primary emotions with each other and you see that your partner is sympathetic and understanding of where you are coming from, it deepens your bond with them. Throughout this program, as you share your primary emotions with each other, you've been moving from an attachment style like the anxious pursuer or the dismissive avoider to an attachment style that is secure. And this is possible even if you have never had a secure emotional connection with anyone in your life. You may still have tendencies of a pursuer or distancer, but you are largely secure with your partner. Eventually you will reach the place where your emotional bonds with them runs deep and you know you can depend on them emotionally. You know they are there for you emotionally, you don't feel the need to pursue or avoid, you feel free to be yourself. Adults with a secure emotional bond with their partner, are very likely to be faithful because what they experience in their marriage is a deep emotional bond. Sometimes when we are working through an affair, we don't really understand the reason why it happened yet. Sometimes we make it out to be more complicated than it really is. The reason is typically because of a lack of connection they feel with their spouse because they didn't feel emotionally connected and maybe even felt like they were running out of gas in life, experiencing depression and looking for something exciting to make them feel better. Now those things are even true for many sex addicts and philanders. Of course those reasons don't justify an affair, but it can be helpful in understanding the events that made the person vulnerable to betray someone so important to them. Sometimes people cheat because they feel unworthy of love, they feel that being in a relationship with someone from a distance is easier than actually having a close, authentically intimate relationship. They want emotional connection, but they don't know how to actually let someone in emotionally and having an affair is a safe enough distance because they aren't making a commitment to that person. Now those who have a dismissive attachment style or who tend to be distancers, probably have very little interaction with their parents. They may have been rejected physically or even emotionally. As a result of this, they learn to suppress their own needs and learn to become independent without relying on others. They learn that it isn't safe to depend on others for emotional support. Those with this type of attachment style really don't open up easily or think about relationships to a great extent which also makes them very vulnerable for an affair or even multiple affairs. Page 2 of 4 When a pursuer has an affair, it is because they are looking for intimacy and a boost to their self-esteem. They typically see their partner as someone who doesn't care for them much and maybe even see them as emotionally neglectful of their needs, but at the very least, they see this person as emotionally distant. Pursuers in a relationship will often start sliding their way from the marriage and start shutting down emotionally before they have an affair. One woman told me recently that she detached from her spouse before she had an affair. So don't let yourself become too hung up on why this happened. It's harder to understand why it happened when you have been betrayed by someone who is a sex addict because if you aren't one yourself, it's hard to understand how sex addicts think and how they could deny you sex when you've offered it to them, but at the same time, they are engaged in sex with others. That can be really challenging to understand that. Part of creating safety is understanding how the one who betrayed you was thinking and who they were as a person at the time leading up to the betrayal and who they were during the betrayal. Understanding why is meant to give us enough insight to make us feel like we're safe from that happening again and we can prevent it from happening again because we know why, we know what caused it. If we know what caused it, we can then get to work on preventing it from happening again. I've added some questions for you two to go over that. It may give you a little insight if you are having a hard time understanding why the betrayal occurred. Understanding why is helpful because it can also reveal what you meant to your spouse when they betrayed you....
After the affair(s) life can feel like it's ending. Sometimes you just have no idea how to get back to normal. You still have to go to work and take care of children and you can't just stay in bed and nurse your own wounds. You have to go about normal life even though you're wrecked. So this episode is all about ways to manage the crisis after infidelity.
So many people struggle with feelings of ambiguity after discovering infidelity in their relationship. Many people want to know should I stay with my spouse or partner or should I leave? We talk about the pros and cons of both and give you sound advice on handling the feelings of should I stay or should I leave my marriage.
Brad: Almost every couple, there is a period of ambiguity, that uncertainty that they go through. Are we going to stay together or are we going to be done? I want to spend a few moments just talking about this, the most important things that effect ambiguity. And I would say on this, it is really the factors that influence uncertainty for a spouse to choose to stay and factors that affect the spouse who is going to leave. I want to just go over these because they can help save your marriage; help you guys work through this a little bit more on what the spouse who had the affair is thinking and the spouse who was betrayed, what they are considering. And these are things that I hear, by no means is this list exhaustive. I have got 20 different things here, there could easily be 40 things but I just want to go through this. One of the things that is really important for injured spouses that affects if they want to stay or go, is the amount of deception involved by the one who had the affair; the amount of deception that they used to cover their tracks. Were you lying to me face to face? I've kind of felt like something was a little off. Did you lie to your spouse when this was happening? That is going to affect your ability to trust in their ambiguity. Morgan: Kind of your blatant lies. Brad: Yeah did they approach you? I feel like you may be cheating, is everything okay between us? Morgan: Oh no, no, not at all. Brad: No I am happily married, we are okay. You know a couple months later you find out that they have been cheating. That is going to affect your 'should we stay or go'. Morgan: Right they are going to go back to that moment. Another one would be, if it was witnessed by the injured spouse as it actually happened, as it physically happened, if they saw you with them--if they saw it, that could really influence their ambiguous feelings as to whether they should stay or go or if it should even remain intact. So witnessing the event is a big one. Brad: Yeah and Morgan that's very important. If you actually physically saw the-- what was happening between the two people, that's going to affect you. And what I am talking Page 2 of 6 about specifically is sex. You saw them having sex; that's going to affect if you want to stay or go. How much the injured spouse feels like they are being lied to? How much honesty is there? That's really what I am talking about. You know are you being honest with me? Morgan: Do I know what honesty looks like on your face? Brad: Yeah, how can I read you, how can I trust you? Are you being honest with me right now? Morgan: Hmm hmm. Another one would be, what the marriage was like before the affair. Was there a negative circle that was happening before you even discovered this or before it even led to an affair, right Brad? Brad: Hmm hmm. Morgan: That's a big one. Brad: That is super important. Morgan: Hmm hmm. Brad: You know Morgan along with that is the uncertainty of the spouse who's been betrayed, if it will happen again or do they know--what kind of reassurance do they have of, will it happen again? As long as that-- it's a huge question in their mind, they are going to be uncertain about staying or going. Morgan: Right, especially if this wasn't the first time they discovered that you had cheated. That's a big deal. The other one, the sincerity--the 7th one, the sincerity and remorse of the involved spouse will determine the level of uncertainty about the future of the injured spouse. Brad: Hmm hmm. Yeah Morgan, I would-- that's a very good one. You know how sincere, how remorseful are they? Do they care about me? And that really goes both ways because sometimes I have worked with people who had an affair--and I want to really make this really an exclamation point with what I am trying to say here. I have Page 3 of 6 seen people who have had an affair, who are very ambiguous and planning on leaving, they were totally burned out and they were having an affair because they were done with their marriage and pretty much ready to go. Morgan: Was that kind of an exit. Brad: Yeah, they were exiting the marriage, but one of the reasons they stayed in the marriage was because they had kids, but there was no emotional connection. And what helped them get the emotional connection back, is when they saw the one that they had hurt, saw how much they really love them and wanted to make it work. So when the person who had the affair saw the one they betrayed really care for them after their affair was made known, that is what help them choose to stay in the marriage. Morgan: Kind of re-engage. Brad: Yeah and that has happened a lot. And so yeah that sincerity and remorse, just knowing you are cared for, that is really what that is saying. I care about you and you have to show your sincerity and remorse, there is no shortcuts with that. Morgan another thing is, has the one who's been betrayed, the injured spouse, been betrayed before in a previous relationship. Morgan: Yeah, that would really put someone on edge, definitely a human lie detector at that point. It has happened to me before, how can I trust that it is not going to happen with you and if you are doing that, if you are betraying me, it's not as much of a surprise I think. The next one, the attitudes of family and friends who know about the affair, you know what are their attitudes? Are they encouraging you to try to work out your relationship or just encouraging you to leave? Brad: Yeah are they friendly towards your marriage? That can be a key one. Does the injured spouse have children with the betrayer? That affects uncertainty. Because we are getting low on time, I am going to sort through some of these. Religious views about divorcing your marriage, that's important. How much has the negative cycle affected the couple’s ability to discuss it (the affair) or even feel close? So there is a negative cycle that happens before the affair and obviously there is a negative cycle that affects the couple's ability to recover. Morgan: And to discuss the affair. Page 4 of 6 Brad: Hmm hmm. And if the injured spouse feels like they are too old to meet someone new, they will be more inclined to work things out, that's also a factor. Another factor is for the injured spouse is, is the betrayer getting help? If they are a sex addict or a philander, are they getting help for this? Am I seeing some real changes inside of them? If as long as there is a huge question mark around sex addiction or the morality or the values or the lifestyle of philander, as long as there is not any progression, there is no visible help being made or changes being made, people are going to be a little bit more uncertain about staying after they have been betrayed. Morgan: Right. Right that makes sense. What about the involved spouse? Brad: Yeah Morgan, the involved spouse, there is a few things for them as well that affect that level of ambiguity that is in them, that uncertainty about seeing and working it out. Number one I would say is the quality of the marriage before the affair- that's super important. How do I know that things will be different? And many times they want to leave because they don't know that. How deep was their feelings for the affair partner or how deep are they currently for the affair partner? Some people get stuck in that limerence which we have talked about. How long and how deep was the relationship with the affair partner? How long did this affair go on? How deep did it get? And I would even include with that, is how much fighting has gone on since the affair was discovered. That's an important part of choosing to work it out because people can really feel helpless and very hopeless. Morgan: Right, really stuck in that negative cycle too. Brad: Other factors that go with this, is does the betrayer have kids with their spouse at home? Does the betrayer have their own kids with their spouse who they cheated on? That's going to make them more likely to want to work it out. Religious views about divorcing their marriage and if the involved spouse feels like they are too old--and here's--and this is also important Morgan, if the involved spouse feels like they are too old to meet someone new, they will be more inclined to work things out. And you know Morgan this is so important for both, is both people need to know that they are cared about, that their spouse does love them, that they really are cared about? That's significant towards working this out, towards ambiguity. But those are some factors that influence ambiguity and we have discussed the, kind of the psychology of the betrayer, the mindset of someone who is having an affair; the thought process, where they are at Page 5 of 6 in their marriage. Affairs do not happen almost... Morgan: In a bubble. Brad: You know well most of the time in a healthy marriage, in a good marriage, sometimes people mistakenly think they are in a good marriage because there is not any conflict, we have good communication but they are not really communicating. Morgan: About wants and needs. Brad: Yeah well they are not really emotionally engaged with each other. They are really good roommates maybe. And people want to know that their desired and wanted and really cared for and when that's uncertain, that's when affairs happen, when that's uncertain in a person's mind, they are more likely to cheat. Morgan: They begin to care less about the marriage. Brad: Hmm hmm. Yeah they begin to care less about maintaining that relationship for emotional reasons. Morgan: And that usually happens over time, wouldn't you agree or could it be...? Brad: It can, it depends, it varies. Morgan: Okay. Brad: Well thank you, you have been listening to how to recover from an affair with Brad and Morgan Robinson. Morgan: Have a great week guys, thanks for listening
Brad & Morgan answer a few listener questions in this episode.  One question is "I have been married to my spouse for 20 years. I would like to know how to fall back into love with my spouse."  We also discuss ideas to increase romance without pushing your spouse away after infidelity.
In this episode Brad & Morgan a listener question: "I learned about my wife's affair with her co-worker two months ago. She has since stop seeing this person and is trying to help me heal, but I still can't seem to stop thinking about her with him. I feel obsessed with knowing what happened. My wife is becoming tired of answering the same questions over and over and I feel worried that she will leave me just because of my obsession with knowing what's happened. I feel like I am going crazy, why do I feel this way?" They address the questions of am I crazy? What’s wrong with me? How come I can't get over this? And what to do in the first 90 days.
We answer the questions of: How do we work through our anger and talk about the affair without pushing the betrayer away? What you're doing that is making the trauma worse. What is PTSD? Why does it matter when recovering from infidelity? What specifically makes PTSD so hard to recover from?
We answer the questions of: I have been struggling with my spouse’s affair for a year now. I just can't stop thinking about it and I have nightmares. I still feel like it happened yesterday. How do I know when I need to seek individual counseling? Is it possible to forget the affair and put it behind me? Is it important to deal with our past when we’re dealing with this present betrayal? How do I handle the intrusive thoughts? Symptoms of PTSD are further explained and triggers are better understood in this episode.
We answer questions: I would really like to know, how do you know you are recovering and what is the process?  What steps can I take to recover from the trauma? Knowing what to expect through the healing process is really important to making sure you fully recover from infidelity.  In this case, trauma is a stage of the healing process.  Inside of the trauma stage there are micro steps that if you understand then you will have an easier time healing and taking back your life.  Don’t miss this episode.
The ABC model of thought renewal, the lies we tell ourselves, and how our thoughts make a difference in how we feel This episode talks about renewing our mind and how we can sometimes wrongly personalize, assume, and catastrophize our situation and other things you must stop right now.
loading
Comments (12)

Dermot Shaw

thank you guys. my marriage almost broke because I had a 6 month limerate affair with a family friend we have both known for 10 years. Your podcast was recommended by a friend when we had already started to try to salvage what we could and we had already taken a great many steps that you recommend. Our first marriage is dead but your podcast has been invaluable to us building our second marriage. it's not even 2 months since the affair was discovered and we are already making great progress. thank you and we will continue to tune in

Feb 19th
Reply

Amanda Schulz

Also when you find the free download its $97👎

Dec 25th
Reply

Amanda Schulz

Before you listen any further go.fund this download that you wont be able to locate.

Dec 25th
Reply

Lauryl Vidrine

I am loving your podcast! I haven't heard an episode yet that I could not personally relate to; however, one topic that I have not heard y'all discuss is how to handle a situation in which the betrayed encounters the one their spouse had the affair with. In my situation, my fiance had an emotional affair with someone we both know & will eventually run into. Thankfully I haven't yet, but I am dreading that moment, so I would love to hear your thoughts & opinions on handling this. Thanks.

Nov 22nd
Reply

Tomi Lonas Ostendorf

the sound is weird... sounds like you're in a can sort of

Nov 4th
Reply

Naomi Westwood

Thank God for you using Dr.Lawrence to bring back my husband who left as a result of unable to give him a baby for marriage of 15 years and now he is back saying that children come from God that he will be patient with me and all this happen since i contacted the powerful spell caster and he is very nice and also genuine in his work contact him on: drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail.com

Jul 11th
Reply

A DL

are you no longer doing the podcast? there hasn't been an episode since May

Jul 6th
Reply

Dawn Moreno

thos pod cast is amazing!!!! has done more for me than counseling, its wonderful to hear and know that how I am feeling and acting is normal and part of the process

Jun 28th
Reply

Tiffany Taylor

Is this for couples who have not had an affair but fears this might happen?

Jun 1st
Reply

Tiffany Taylor

Thank you

Jun 1st
Reply

Crystal Rose Gomez

Hard to hear the guest speaker. Also, guest speaker never mentioned what an “Avoider” does when they cheat. He mentions the “filanderer” & “the pursuer” only. Any resources to research that term? Thanks!

May 29th
Reply

Regina Valeriano

Thank you, Brad and Morgan. I love your podcast and I am already feeling some healing from just two episodes. can't thank you enough.

Jun 22nd
Reply
Download from Google Play
Download from App Store