How Picard can it be?

Frustration! As Q is less of a Thing than we had hoped. Excitement! With the Borg sisters doing it for themselves. Confusion! As Rios is pushed into a boring romantic sub-plot instead of doing anything useful. All this plus crochet, Cabaret, and some very questionable bra-related puns. Join us – who cares about your finite mortal life? Links: Kelly on Twitter https://twitter.com/verso Cabaret’s 50th anniversary re-issue https://www.parkcircus.com/latest/P2596-Cabaret-turns-50 Reddit: ‘Why can’t machines crochet?’ https://reddit.com/r/explainlikeimfive/comments/ulueeo/_/i7y6rgt/ Playtex and NASA https://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/what-did-playtex-have-to-do-with-neil-armstrong-16588944/ Jenny’s magic hexagon cardigan https://makeanddocrew.com/day-date-easy-crochet-sweater-pattern/

We’re hoping that the Star Trek superfans don’t need or want detailed episode recaps, and nor do people who don’t like Star Trek, because we’ve got none of ’em for you today, folks. Plus, be warned, our guest this week is definitely a fan of Star Trek, but definitely not a fan of Star Trek Picard. Links: The different Star Trek doctors and how they would react to you walking into sickbay with something vaguely phallic stuck in your butt, a thread: https://mobile.twitter.com/SkyVasNormandy/status/1520249110904803329 Grayson’s Art Club: https://www.graysonsartclub.com Moon Knight: https://www.disneyplus.com/en-gb/series/wp/4S3oOF1knocS Lady Dynamite (the Maria Bamford programme): https://www.netflix.com/title/80046193 New Terry Pratchett audiobooks: https://www.terrypratchettbooks.com/discworld-audio-announcement/ Cuddle Club: https://play.acast.com/s/cuddleclub/ Everything Everywhere All at Once: https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/everything_everywhere_all_at_once

We lose our way in a dazzling display of incompetence, only to be rescued by our nefarious alternate-timeline hosts Gordon and Jenny who show us up in spectacular style. Meanwhile, Chris reads some beautiful internet words and watches a kids’ film, Oscar Isaac says we can call him Daddy, and actual good journalist Alex Watson steps in to calm everyone the hell down. You’re not so much a listener as an aural hostage at this point. Sorry. Guests hosts: Gordon Barr on Twitter: https://twitter.com/gordonbarr Jenny Bann on Twitter: https://twitter.com/calluna_ Links: The Sopranos on Prime Video https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/video/detail/B00FZN7PZ0 The Middleman on Prime Video https://watch.amazon.co.uk/detail?gti=amzn1.dv.gti.86acfa5f-9d07-dc83-9507-73006af037dc Michele Catalano’s Twitter as a Gathering Place https://michelecat.substack.com/p/twitter-as-gathering-place Michael Clark: Cosmic Dancer at V&A Dundee https://www.vam.ac.uk/dundee/exhibitions/michael-clark-cosmic-dancer The Bad Guys trailer https://youtu.be/n1rDn0hExXQ The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent https://m.imdb.com/title/tt11291274/ Alex Watson’s Don’t Dismiss Cities That Fought to Rebuild from Nothing https://www.pressandjournal.co.uk/fp/opinion/columnists/4159598/dont-dismiss-cities-rebuilt-from-nothing-alex-watson-opinion/

Ríos nails his Bond audition, Pill takes Manhattan, the Queen has new boots, and Kore performs a rudimentary Google search in possibly the biggest font ever used.  Meanwhile, Chris enjoys theme tunes and science-y stuff then loses his damn mind explaining ice cube economics, while Jenny recommends crisps and encounters some real-life Viking treasure. Thankfully, Jim returns to be super-cool and explain almost everything. Except the ice cube bit. Links Jim on Twitter https://twitter.com/jimmccauley Kleptones https://kleptones.bandcamp.com Fortunately… https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p04x5pd7/episodes/player Energy Voice Out Loud episode on heat networks https://pod.fo/e/119ecd The Galloway Hoard https://www.kirkcudbrightgalleries.org.uk/the-galloway-hoard/ Wash n Go ad https://youtu.be/abA7aUM4F8w

The queen is dead; long live the queen! (But fuck you, Elnor.) The gang mount a Mission Impossible-style heist, apparently tired of thinking up weirdy-alien names the script writers bring on Adam and bring back Gary, and perpetually alone Dr Jurati gives a very literal interpretation of that timeless Bon Jovi lyric, ‘Shot through the organic tissue at the base of the cerebellum / And you’re to blame / You give coercive control in a relationship / A bad name’. Links Peter Cohen on Twitter: https://twitter.com/flargh/ Baby name data journalism: https://www.thecourier.co.uk/tag/scottish-baby-names/ Prehistoric Planet trailer: https://youtu.be/Jk4ZlVEtjsc Animal Crossing: https://www.animal-crossing.com/new-horizons/ Moon Knight: https://www.disneyplus.com/en-gb/series/moon-knight/4S3oOF1knocS The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent trailer: https://youtu.be/x2YHPZMj8r4 Wild Men trailer: https://youtu.be/W9_FAzbaSNs

It’s fair to say the non-Picard chat this episode (from 21:00) is more lucid and engaging than the Picard chat that preceded it, but as always, our guest – this week, the erudite and lovely Dr Sarah Bickerton – adds some Actually Good Star Trek Discourse. We would promise to do better next week, but we respect you too much to lie to you. Links The Hermit of Treig: https://www.screen.scot/film-in-scotland/made-in-scotland/film/the-hermit-of-treig Daniel Durant on how he got into music: https://www.tiktok.com/@kellyclarksonshow/video/7076194886931778859 The Worst Person in the World: https://mk2films.com/en/film/the-worst-person-in-the-world/ James Morrison, artist: https://scottish-gallery.co.uk/artist/james-morrison

“Hey, the kid’s finally asleep. Why don’t we watch episode three and then record the podcast about it?” Reader, you’ll see why. But! As tired and incoherent as Jenny and Chris are, the episode was bouncy, pacy, and tight; it’s a nightmarish Kafkaesque seesaw of ability and talent. Plus, we get this series’ first genuinely creepy moment, more Pill love, and we recommend a year-old piece global phenomenon as if it’s a just-released indie sleeper hit that needs all the promo it can get. 🤷 Thank the lord for our guest, Dan Moren. Links Author, podcaster and writer Dan Moren https://dmoren.com Inside https://www.netflix.com/gb/title/81289483 Human Resources https://www.netflix.com/gb/title/81092963

We’re torn over whether the second episode of the season is ‘great’ or ‘a necessary pivot’, Chris relives his childhood with Flight of the Navigator, Jenny ignores Turning Red reviews, and our pal Jonathan beams in to share his Kinnock-inspired thoughts with the class. All this and not much more – it’s the ultimate podcast for the Star Trek ambivalent! Links Jonathan’s quality Twitter content https://twitter.com/tweetmonkeyj Grayson’s Art Club on All4 https://www.channel4.com/programmes/graysons-art-club Flight of the Navigator on Prime Video UK https://www.amazon.co.uk/Flight-Navigator-Joey-Cramer/dp/B08Z73WN6H Turning Red on Disney+ https://www.disneyplus.com/en-gb/movies/turning-red/4mFPCXJi7N2m Ali & Ava trailer https://youtu.be/f1l6lg8Au_M The Losers on Prime Video UK https://www.amazon.co.uk/Losers-Jeffrey-Dean-Morgan/dp/B00FXN9UUU/ Unfinished London on YouTube https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLfxy4_sBQdxwf909hUFsM59Y0RC_k9fvV No link to our old Grayson episode because I’m very tired, I can’t emphasise this enough

Picard packs in the action with new ships, old friends, and more winking than you might reasonably expect from a Starfleet officer. Writer, editor, podcaster and mensch Dave Bradley offsets our chaotic vibe with some actual insightful commentary, and we have no chill whatsoever. Engage! Links Dave Bradley on Twitter https://twitter.com/BoxDaveB Hear more Dave on Robby The Robot’s Waiting https://twitter.com/robbyscifi SFX’s world exclusive Picard cover – hang it in your room! https://www.magazinesdirect.com/az-magazines/6937139/sfx-magazine-single-issue.thtml All about Makaton signing http://makaton.org Thursday Murder Club https://www.hive.co.uk/Product/Richard-Osman/The-Thursday-Murder-Club--The-Record-Breaking-Sunday-Time/25344910 Arrival leaves Netflix UK 31 March! https://www.netflix.com/gb/title/80117799

Need a distraction from literally everything? Join us as we forget what little we ever knew about Picard, and talk Star Trek with our actually-knowledgeable guest and friend, Ant. Featuring! Photos with Patrick Stewart! Offending Michael Dorn! The Batman excitement! CODA’s Oscar hopes! And more! Links Be friends with Ant! https://twitter.com/antinbath Gates McFadden’s Twitter for all your ghost dating needs https://twitter.com/gates_mcfadden Ship-Talking Podcast https://www.shiptalkingpod.com The Well podcast https://thewellpod.com Clear + Vivid with Alan Alda http://alanalda.com  Troy Katsur inventing ASL swears https://www.latimes.com/entertainment-arts/awards/story/2022-02-22/troy-kotsur-raunchy-loving-dad-in-coda

We’re joined by special guests/innocent bystanders Simon Brew and Jim McCauley for a musicals double-header! Join us for a collective flip-out as Cats and Hamilton come to the small screen in the lockdown week that might finally tip us over the edge. Meanwhile, Chris gives all his mics away, Jenny channels Hercules Mulligan, and Siri is our co-pilot. Cats chat (confusing if you’re French) starts at 3:38 Hamilchat starts at 32:29 Links: Simon Brew on Twitter https://twitter.com/simonbrew Jim McCauley on Twitter https://twitter.com/jimmccauley Cats https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/cats_2019 Hamilton trailer https://youtu.be/DSCKfXpAGHc The first Hamilton White House performance https://youtu.be/WNFf7nMIGnE Jenny’s Hamilton/anxiety roadtrip http://jennyphin.com/blog/my-epic-journey-to-see-hamilton-or-how-i-took-my-anxiety-disorder-on-a-road-trip-and-you-totally-can-too/

We watch (some of) your recommendations in another Star Trek-free episode! Join us as we chat dystopian self-love in See, dubious apologies in The Morning Show, and ask if infertility can ever be funny after the fact. Meanwhile, Chris enjoys “tart with a heart” Billy Crudup, the Chris Evans Career Clinic gains an unexpected ally, and Jenny just wants to get through a kids’ film emotionally unscathed. Listen now! Or don’t! We watched: The Morning Show https://tv.apple.com/gb/show/the-morning-show Defending Jacob https://tv.apple.com/gb/show/defending-jacob See https://tv.apple.com/gb/show/see Grayson’s Art Club https://www.channel4.com/programmes/graysons-art-club The Good Dinosaur https://www.pixar.com/feature-films/the-good-dinosaur Onward https://www.pixar.com/onward Links: The Descent of Man https://www.hive.co.uk/Product/Grayson-Perry/The-Descent-of-Man/20517435 The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read https://www.hive.co.uk/Product/Philippa-Perry/The-Book-You-Wish-Your-Parents-Had-Read-and-Your-Children/23504588 Grayson Perry on Twitter https://twitter.com/alan_measles Philippa Perry on Twitter https://twitter.com/Philippa_Perry Gifted https://m.imdb.com/title/tt4481414/ You Can Count On Me https://m.imdb.com/title/tt0203230/ Bonkers nursing in Fantastic Four https://youtu.be/xNjpuX5rLzQ Thanks to everyone who got in touch – especially @antinbath and @bzamayo on Twitter. Final thing! We done got an Insta now!  ⓘ https://www.instagram.com/howpicard ⓣ https://twitter.com/howpicard

Join us as we achieve a shocking 0% Picard in this Apple TV+ special episode! We discuss household favourites Defending Jacob, The Morning Show and Fraggle Rock: Rock On. Hold tight as Chris shares his tales of the Apple PR phone tree, Jenny is distressed by a crime scene coffee break, and absolutely no one knows who Jack Davenport is. Probably the most-qualified we’ve ever been to host our own podcast! And yet…

Picard concludes with one of the most obliging baddies in Star Trek history! We somehow find a way to both applaud and disparage the finale in equal measure. PLUS! Chris doubles-down on his Off Menu recommendation, Jenny fails to watch The Mandalorian, and everyone is tired. Join us, for possibly the only podcast in town recorded by people still in the same room! Maybe forever! Send snacks! Picard stuff ends at 16:30. Links Off Menu with Joe Thomas: https://podcasts.apple.com/za/podcast/ep-50-joe-thomas/id1442950743?i=1000468742948 On Disney+: Vampirina, Aladdin (2019) Plus! Knives Out Twitter thread that made Jenny hysterical: https://twitter.com/knivesout/status/1227332234148970499?s=21

Two crash-landings but no one bats a synthetic eye, as the penultimate episode builds to an exciting† climax! Meanwhile, Chris pushes his Pill agenda, Jenny’s Disney+ expectations are sky-high, everyone loves Mae Martin, and we are the first people to mention Mickey Blue Eyes in at least a decade. † Excitement not guaranteed. Links Utopia chic: https://www.reddit.com/r/sto/comments/9ygayn/we_need_these_outfits_from_tng_i_believe_it_was/ Pope/Pryce meme (can’t find the coronavirus one particularly): https://zodab.com/memes/meirl-89 Jonathan Frakes mashup meme: https://twitter.com/ShesSoOffbeat/status/1239756410805727232

You don’t have to be Rios to work here, but it helps. El capitán finally gets some backstory in an episode that flies in the face of ‘show, don’t tell’ and lands directly in the path of ‘Ken’. Meanwhile, Chris gets an award, Jenny is broken by child wrangling in isolation, and no one wants the fancy pasta shapes. ⚠️ CONTENT WARNING: Mild discussion of self-harm. Picard stuff ends 12 minutes in. Links Old School podcast: https://www.thebiglight.com/oldschool Northern Goal podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/aberdeen-fc-chairman-dave-cormack-on-scottish-footballs/id1494721739?i=1000468313550

Picard finds a slice of heaven with old friends, Rios demonstrates his incredible Y-ligament, and Alison Pill acts the pants off everyone else. Meanwhile, Chris turns 40 and falls asleep, Jenny loves cabins and Dead Eyes, and everyone bickers.  Join us for another great episode of Broughty Ferry’s best* spouse-hosted Picard-themed pop culture podcast! Picard stuff ends at 18:38. Get in touch at twitter.com/HowPicard, or email HowPicard@gmail.com! Links The pizza box https://twitter.com/jonathansfrakes/status/1236685565652643842 Raising Steam (not Snuff, as Chris’s addled mind had it when we recorded…) https://wiki.lspace.org/mediawiki/Book:Raising_Steam Dog Loves Books https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episodes/m000fzqw/dog-loves-books Dead Eyes https://headgum.com/dead-eyes How To Fail, with Elizabeth Day https://howtofail.podbean.com *only

Boom, shake the room! But please check the booking sheet first. The action heats up on The Artifact. Meanwhile, Lemsip-addled Jenny both loves and hates Birds of Prey, Chris reveals his insane podcast-listening strategy, and there are a lot of uncomfortable questions about the DCEU. This is less of a show description than a warning from the future. Picard stuff ends at 16:23. Links Birds of Prey and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn: https://www.dca.org.uk/whats-on/event/birds-of-prey-and-the-fantabulous-emancipation-of-one-harley-quinn Shannon Keating’s article on heteropessimism: https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/shannonkeating/straight-romance-heteropessimism-marriage-story …and the one about finding a partner on a lesbian cruise that first introduced her writing to Chris: https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/shannonkeating/lesbian-cruise Susan Calman’s Mrs Brightside with Sofie Hagen: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/susan-calmans-mrs-brightside/id1495376244?i=1000465777327 The Princess and the Frog soundtrack: https://open.spotify.com/album/1gq7uhfNW4QMeRr9msV68P Not exactly the You’re Welcome clip Jenny referenced, but skip to 1:10  to hear Lin-Manuel add some extra bars: https://youtu.be/0DLzyvT4eUo

Do you love space heists and hate eyeballs? Then have we got the Picard episode for you! Meanwhile, Jenny slacks off to watch Snowpiercer, Chris enthuses about Canadian manufacturing, and no one wants to endorse Top Gear. Plus! Don’t miss a great SpongeBob Squarepants research opportunity. Dive in: it’s the incredibly low-energy episode you don’t deserve… and yet here we are. Picard bit ends at around 8:50. Some links for ya: [Sadly only the first part of] That Alan Partridge episode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7nl-so8MU0 The track from – except it turns out it isn’t – the debut episode of SpongeBob Squarepants: https://open.spotify.com/track/1PmXm1881bonBI1AlG5uaH

Hold on tight as Picard picks up pace! We get excited about warrior nuns and a familiar face, while the Borg cube makes another orbit of Planet Exposition. Meanwhile, Chris loves Mary Beard, bottoms are objectively funny, and Jenny hosts her bi-annual Chris Evans Career Clinic. All this plus Parasite, office Oscar comp news and not much more! Honestly, you could just do some Duolingo or work on your core. Picard section starts basically at about 10 seconds in and contains spoilers, but you can skip to 13:50 if you want to mostly avoid the Picard chat — though there are mild spoilers about what we didn't see starting at around 41:32.