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How To!

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You’ve got questions. Together, we get answers.

We all need advice, but sometimes it’s hard to know where to turn. Each week, Courtney Martin and Carvell Wallace bring a listener on to the show to solve their toughest problems with the help of world-class experts. It’s free therapy, and you’re invited.

263 Episodes
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Meg once was a terror in the world of roller derby. But these days, her sedentary lifestyle is making everyday physical activities a tad daunting. (We’re looking at you, groceries that need to be carried up four flights of stairs!). She wants to start lifting weights, but she’s unsure where to start—and whether she can avoid the bro-culture of many weight rooms. On this episode of How To!: Courtney Martin brings in writer and powerlifter Mikala Jamison, who was in Meg’s shoes not that long ago. She shares how she got started, why lifting is a lifelong journey, and what we can learn from the current zeitgeist for women’s strength training. Resources mentioned:  Mikala’s Substack, Body Type  Book with simple lifting guide Fitness trainer Meg Gallagher on Instagram If you liked this episode check out: How To Be Free Of Body Shame or How To Stick to Your New Year’s Resolutions Do you have a problem that needs solving? Send us a note at howto@slate.com or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Subscribe for free on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen. How To’s executive producer is Derek John. Joel Meyer is our senior editor/producer. The show is produced by Rosemary Belson and Kevin Bendis.  Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now at slate.com/howtoplus. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
After Lin met Dave, their lives quickly became entangled. Lin joined Dave’s small business, made much-needed improvements, and charmed Dave’s family. The two also began a romantic relationship that lasted years. When it fizzled, Lin continued working at the company—and eventually uncovered Dave’s lies, deceit, and infidelity. On this episode of How To!: Carvell Wallace welcomes Nina Renata Aron, author of Good Morning, Destroyer of Men’s Souls, to share her own experience exiting a toxic, codependent relationship and explain how she came to terms with it. If you liked this episode check out: How To Do Divorce Right and How To Forgive Someone Who Isn’t Sorry Do you have a problem that needs solving? Send us a note at howto@slate.com or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Subscribe for free on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen. How To’s executive producer is Derek John. Joel Meyer is our senior editor/producer. The show is produced by Rosemary Belson and Kevin Bendis.  Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now at slate.com/howtoplus. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
How To Be Lonely

How To Be Lonely

2024-06-0444:221

Paula has a big family, lots of friends, and a girlfriend she adores. For most of her life, however, she has experienced an underlying and unshakeable sense of loneliness. On this episode of How To!, Courtney Martin brings on Kristen Radtke, the writer and illustrator behind Seek You: A Journey Through American Loneliness, to talk with Paula about an emotion that’s hard to talk about—and even harder to confront. If you liked this episode, check out How To Find Your People and How To Survive a Silent Retreat.  Do you have a problem that needs solving? Send us a note at howto@slate.com or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Subscribe for free on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen. How To! is produced by Rosemary Belson, with Kevin Bendis. Joel Meyer is our senior editor/producer. Derek John is our executive producer.  Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now at slate.com/howtoplus. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
How To Take a Gap Year

How To Take a Gap Year

2024-05-2844:15

Leo is a high-achieving high school senior on the cusp of graduation. Growing up in a rigorous school environment he faced endless pressure to follow the expected track of attending an elite university and eventually securing a good job. Yet, Leo feels slightly unfulfilled and is curious what an alternative path might look like. On this episode of How To!, Carvell Wallace is joined by Abby Falik, founder of the The Flight School, and organization dedicate to helping students and parents rethink and reshape their education. Abby shares her insights and experience guiding students through gap years so they find their own way. If you liked this episode check out: "How To Parent Less" Do you have a problem that needs solving? Send us a note at howto@slate.com or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Subscribe for free on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen. How To’s executive producer is Derek John. Joel Meyer is our senior editor/producer. The show is produced by Rosemary Belson and Kevin Bendis.  Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now at slate.com/howtoplus. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
The trouble began when Sarah put a fern in front of her new condo. Nice, right? The woman who lives in the unit above didn’t think so, and without warning sent Sarah a slew of passive-aggressive notes. Sarah thinks it’s all a big misunderstanding, but now her neighbor refuses to even speak to her. Sarah is wracked with anxiety, struggling to sleep, and contemplating moving out. On this episode of How To!, we turn to stand-up comedian Tig Notaro, a cancer survivor and host of the new advice podcast Don’t Ask Tig, to help Sarah approach the situation with humor and clarity. When things don’t go your way, Tig says, you have to take back control of your own story. What would the hero in your favorite movie do? For Sarah, this means gardening with headphones and the Rocky theme on the soundtrack.  Do you have a problem that could use some humorous advice? Send us a note at howto@slate.com or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Subscribe for free on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen. If you liked this episode, check out “How To Talk to Strangers.” Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Leigh is a stellar employee by all accounts. She deeply cares about the company’s mission. She gets along with her coworkers. She delivers great work. So why does every critique cut deep and leave her questioning her worth? On this episode of How To!: Courtney Martin consults the columnist Alison Green, who answers tricky workplace questions at the advice site, Ask a Manager. Alison helps Leigh figure out what to do with criticism, forge better relationships with higher-ups, and even give better feedback.  If you liked this episode check out: How To Make Imposter Syndrome Your Superpower and How To Build Trust With Co-Workers Do you have a problem that needs solving? Send us a note at howto@slate.com or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Subscribe for free on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen. How To’s executive producer is Derek John. Joel Meyer is our senior editor/producer. The show is produced by Rosemary Belson and Kevin Bendis.  Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now at slate.com/howtoplus. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
When Allen’s gym crush asked him—point blank—if he liked someone, he panicked. Should he tell her? What should he do if she wasn’t actually flirting with him? On this episode of How To!: Courtney Martin finds out what happened and brings in Jeff Guenther, therapist and author of the new book Big Dating Energy. (You might know him as TherapyJeff from TikTok, Instagram, or YouTube.) Jeff gives Allen the tools to flirt more authentically, stick to his non-negotiables, and lean into his self-confidence.  If you liked this episode check out: How To Ditch the Apps & Actually Find a Date Do you have a problem that needs solving? Send us a note at howto@slate.com or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Subscribe for free on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen. How To’s executive producer is Derek John. Joel Meyer is our senior editor/producer. The show is produced by Rosemary Belson and Kevin Bendis.  Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now at slate.com/howtoplus. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
On this episode of How To!: co-hosts Courtney Martin and Carvell Wallace sit down to talk about his new memoir, Another Word for Love. In the book, Carvell’s examination of his own journey becomes a reflection on how so many of us spend our lives trying to become whole again. He and Courtney discuss his approach to writing and interviewing, what it means to be seen as good (versus actually being good), and why it’s often so hard to forgive yourself. If you liked this episode check out: How To Find Genuine Happiness Do you have a problem that needs solving? Send us a note at howto@slate.com or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Subscribe for free on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen. How To’s executive producer is Derek John. Joel Meyer is our senior editor/producer. The show is produced by Rosemary Belson and Kevin Bendis.  Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now at slate.com/howtoplus. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
A few years ago, Leah was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Her condition has posed many serious challenges, including how to start and maintain friendships. She wants to build a rich social life, but her symptoms—and the stigmas surrounding mental health—often get in the way. When Leah does meet a new person, she struggles with how (and when) to talk about her diagnosis and feels intense pressure to be “the perfect friend.” On this episode of How To!: Carvell Wallace brings on psychotherapist Dr. Aleksandra Rayska for a frank conversation about managing expectations, celebrating new achievements, and just going easy on yourself. If you liked this episode check out: How to Navigate Adult Autism. Do you have a problem that needs solving? Send us a note at howto@slate.com or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Subscribe for free on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen. How To’s executive producer is Derek John. Joel Meyer is our senior editor/producer. The show is produced by Rosemary Belson and Kevin Bendis.  Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now at slate.com/howtoplus. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
“Doing the work” is a phrase often heard when talking about racial justice. We heard it a lot after the death of George Floyd in 2020. And we need to continue talking about it—but there’s an important aspect of “the work” that’s been missing. On this episode of How To!: Courtney Martin brings in Garrett Bucks, author of The Right Kind of White and founder of The Barnraisers Project, to help Elizabeth Doerr talk to fellow white parents about the implications of opting out of their kids’ public school. If you liked this episode check out: “How To Fight Racism in Your Town” CAST YOUR VOTE FOR HOW TO! IN THE 2024 WEBBY AWARDS! https://vote.webbyawards.com/PublicVoting#/2024/podcasts/shows/advice-how-to Do you have a problem that needs solving? Send us a note at howto@slate.com or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Subscribe for free on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen. How To’s executive producer is Derek John. Joel Meyer is our senior editor/producer. The show is produced by Rosemary Belson and Kevin Bendis.  Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now at slate.com/howtoplus. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Mia is a professional violinist. She’s played in symphonies. She’s played in improv groups. She’s played as a form of personal exploration. But now she’s taking on a big, conceptual project that may have nothing to do with music. Instead, she wants to create a piece rooted in connection. The only problem? She doesn’t know what she wants to create. On this episode of How To!: Carvell Wallace brings in storyteller extraordinaire Michaela Leslie-Rule. Michaela talks Mia through the process of bringing a potentially overwhelming idea to life. Check out Michaela’s work with Spiritual Technologies Project, the group we mention in the episode.  If you liked this episode check out: How To Put Your Town on the Map or How To Be an Artist and Not Starve.  CAST YOUR VOTE FOR HOW TO! IN THE 2024 WEBBY AWARDS: https://vote.webbyawards.com/PublicVoting#/2024/podcasts/shows/advice-how-to Do you have a problem that needs solving? Send us a note at howto@slate.com or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Subscribe for free on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen. How To’s executive producer is Derek John. Joel Meyer is our senior editor/producer. The show is produced by Rosemary Belson and Kevin Bendis.  Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now at slate.com/howtoplus. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Last week we learned about using the four different styles of humor to your advantage, and who makes a good target for a joke. But what if you read the room wrong and absolutely bomb? On this episode of How To!, the second in a two-part series, we resume our conversation with Naomi Bagdonas, co-author of Humor, Seriously!, and Michael Terry, the most hilarious hedge fund guy we’ve ever met. They swap stories about office jokes that fell flat, how to navigate a suddenly tense situation and what to do if your humor accidentally offends someone (especially your boss).  If you liked this episode, check out “How To Be Funny” with comedian Gary Gulman.  If you want to discover your own humor style, take the test on Naomi and Jennifer’s website.  Do you have a joke that killed at the office, or totally bombed? Send us a note at howto@slate.com or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001. Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now at slate.com/howtoplus. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Forgetfulness. Repetitiveness. Confusion. Dementia is a long, painful road for both the person living with it, caregivers, and their additional loved ones. Mara’s mom just received her diagnosis and Mara is wondering what is next for their family. She turned to our host Courtney Martin for guidance—since Courtney is going through the same thing with her father.  On this episode of How To!: Courtney and Mara are joined by Tami Anastasia, author of Essential Strategies for the Dementia Caregiver. As a dementia consultant, Tami helps families support each other and find the beautiful moments in this painful journey.  If you liked this episode check out: How To Make Aging Easier for Everyone Do you have a problem that needs solving? Send us a note at howto@slate.com or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Subscribe for free on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen. How To’s executive producer is Derek John. Joel Meyer is our senior editor/producer. The show is produced by Rosemary Belson. Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now at slate.com/howtoplus. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Shannon is set to become an ordained minister—but she has always struggled with public speaking. Here’s the thing: She’s fine in front of large gatherings. In smaller gatherings, however, she mentally “freezes up” and rambles until she regains her train of thought. As Shannon prepares to start interacting with a congregation, Courtney Martin sits her down with former How To! host Charles Duhigg, author of Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection. Charles gives Shannon the tools to understand others and be understood herself.   If you liked this episode check out: How To Speak Up So Others Listen Do you have a problem that needs solving? Send us a note at howto@slate.com or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Subscribe for free on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen. How To’s executive producer is Derek John. Joel Meyer is our senior editor/producer. The show is produced by Rosemary Belson and Kevin Bendis.  Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now at slate.com/howtoplus. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
When Patti retired a few months ago, everyone told her she would love the freedom and flexibility that came with leaving the workforce. Not so. The transition has left Patti grieving the loss of her routine and sense of purpose—and she’s wondering how to find fulfillment in life’s (gulp!) third act. On today’s episode, Courtney Martin welcomes Brad Stulberg, author of Master of Change: How to Excel When Everything Is Changing—Including You. Brad helps Patti rethink this massive transformation and emerge from it stronger.  If you liked this episode check out: How To Start Over at 60. Do you have a problem that needs solving? Send us a note at howto@slate.com or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Subscribe for free on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen. How To’s executive producer is Derek John. Joel Meyer is our senior editor/producer. The show is produced by Rosemary Belson and Kevin Bendis.  Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now at slate.com/howtoplus. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Our series about friendship ends with a look at, well, how friendships end. Alice and Grace connected when their kids started dating. They became fast friends whose family lives were intertwined—in a good way. They even joked that they might end up raising grandchildren together. When the kids broke up, Alice and Grace broke apart, too. Now, Alice is wondering whether she should fight for her cherished relationship or just move on. On today’s episode, Carvell Wallace brings on Carissa Potter, an author and artist who founded People I’ve Loved and hosts the podcast Bad at Keeping Secrets.  Miss last week’s episode? Learn how to evolve your friendships. If you’re enjoying this series, check out our other friendship episodes: How To Find Your People How To Make Friends as an Adult How To Make Friends… Like a Man How To Talk to Strangers How To Show Up For a Friend With Cancer Do you have a problem that needs solving? Send us a note at howto@slate.com or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Subscribe for free on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen. How To’s executive producer is Derek John. Joel Meyer is our senior editor/producer. The show is produced by Rosemary Belson and Kevin Bendis.  Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now at slate.com/howtoplus. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
In part two of our series on friendship, we’re looking at how to revitalize a relationship that began in a previous phase of life.  Michelle and Blair became fast friends in grad school. That bond survived graduation, marriages, and even a cross-country move. They now live just a short drive from one another—but things have never felt so distant. Michelle wants to know how to evolve their friendship to be more compatible with the present day. On today’s episode, Courtney Martin brings on Rhaina Cohen, author of The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center. Rhaina will help Michelle—and all of us—prepare for a daunting conversation. Miss last week’s episode? Learn how to expand your horizons with new, cross-generational friendships. If you’re enjoying this series, check out our other friendship episodes: How To Find Your People How To Make Friends as an Adult How To Make Friends… Like a Man How To Talk to Strangers How To Show Up For a Friend With Cancer Do you have a problem that needs solving? Send us a note at howto@slate.com or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Subscribe for free on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen. How To’s executive producer is Derek John. Joel Meyer is our senior editor/producer. The show is produced by Rosemary Belson and Kevin Bendis.  Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now at slate.com/howtoplus. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Love typically reigns in February. But, here at How To!, we are giving friendship its due. For the next three episodes, we’re going to teach you how to find friends in surprising places, how to grow and change in your friendship during life transitions, and even how to recover from a friendship breakup.  So today we’re starting with a potential cure for our epidemic of loneliness: intergenerational friendships. Emily is in her early 20s and has been rethinking who she considers to be potential friends. On this episode of How To!, Courtney Martin brings on Marci Alboher, a friend and VP at CoGenerate, an organization that brings generations together. She’s got some amazing tips for finding connections across ages.  Make sure to tune in next week to learn how to evolve your friendship. In the meantime, check out:  How To Find Your People How To Make Friends as an Adult How To Make Friends… Like a Man How To Talk to Strangers How To Show Up For a Friend With Cancer Do you have a problem that needs solving? Send us a note at howto@slate.com or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Subscribe for free on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen. How To’s executive producer is Derek John. Joel Meyer is our senior editor/producer. The show is produced by Rosemary Belson and Kevin Bendis.  Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now at slate.com/howtoplus. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Dry January has come and gone, but the conversation about alcohol—and rethinking our relationship with it—is still very much with us. This week’s listener, Natalie, wants to move past the abundance vs. abstinence debate and talk about a third option: thoughtful moderation. In this episode, Courtney Martin brings on journalist Rosamund Dean, author of Mindful Drinking: How Cutting Down Can Change Your Life and Well, Well, Well, a Substack about living better, for longer. She shares how she found moderation through mindfulness—and how you can too.  If you or someone you know is struggling with excessive drinking, consider contacting SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP. You can also find a local Alcoholics Anonymous meeting by visiting aa.org. If you liked this episode, check out: How To Stick to Your New Year’s Resolutions Do you have a problem that needs solving? Send us a note at howto@slate.com or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Subscribe for free on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen. How To’s executive producer is Derek John. Joel Meyer is our senior editor/producer and our producer is Rosemary Belson.  Slate Plus members get bonus segments and ad-free podcast feeds. Sign up now at slate.com/howtoplus. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Travel can be thrilling, relaxing, even life-changing. But planning for your big trip? Not so much. There are so many unknowns: Where to go? When is the best time? How much do you want to spend? In this special episode of How To!, founding host Charles Duhigg brings in Brady Binstadt, owner and CEO of the adventure travel company Geographic Expeditions. Brady explains how to pick the right destination, when to splurge, and how to make sure everyone will have an amazing time.  If you liked this episode, check out: How To Live Anywhere in the World Do you have a question we can help you solve? Send us a note at howto@slate.com or leave us a voicemail at 646-495-4001 and we might have you on the show. Subscribe for free on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen. How To’s executive producer is Derek John. Joel Meyer is our senior editor/producer and our producer is Rosemary Belson.  If you enjoy this show, please consider signing up for Slate Plus. Slate Plus members get an ad-free experience across the network and exclusive content on many shows—you’ll also be supporting the work we do here on How To!. Sign up now at slate.com/howtoplus to help support our work. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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Comments (31)

Marta Wiliams

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Feb 5th
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Muhammad Abdullah

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Aug 8th
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gil wancheck

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Jun 25th
Reply

Mohamad Ahmadi

you can just take it easy

Jun 1st
Reply

GunsDontKill

So.... if they have a difference of opinion then they are incorrect. Echo chambers are good for no one.

Dec 24th
Reply

Lori C.

I can't help but wonder if zombie guy actually bugged out.

Aug 14th
Reply

jeff summers

Absolutely loved this episode!! So much of your discussions revolve around Emotional Intelligence!

Jun 30th
Reply

Maggie Brown

Humans aren't the only organisms that have mental or behavioral disorders. It is so horribly sad.

Jan 13th
Reply (1)

Maggie Brown

sending this episode to everyone I know

Jan 13th
Reply

Cindy Pownall

Love this episode!

Dec 9th
Reply

ID18138661

How to is a great podcast. The newest episode shows me that using my intuition and perception of people is racist. It’s almost like we shouldn’t allow experience to dictate our approach to specific situations while also using our logic and reasoning to acertain the proper response. No we call common sense and preparedness “unconscious bias” instead of what it really is - a defense mechanism. And a good one too. If you have a prior experience with a specific person or group, you go in with an open heart and a contingency plan. That’s the point of the experience you’re “unconscious bias” is created by. Be sensible. Use BOTH experience and reasoning. The reasoning to know that this situation may not be like the others, and the experience to prepare if it is. Racism is inherently intentional. You cannot be accidentally racist. You have to intend for racism to happen before it does. Accidental racism isn’t racism. It’s someone being offended. By something not meant to offend. Try dealing wi

Aug 24th
Reply

frya ghazinia

it's awesome and so useful thanks to Charles

Jul 19th
Reply

ZeinabAlef

So since the man is fun to spend time with, woman is the one who should carry the burden of home chores, errands, children's stuff, household planning and so on, and to make things more interesting, she must seek help on how to keep a tension-free conversation about all that stuff with a man who does not even care to listen, or just to stay awake! I'm really mad how you guys handle that subject, regarding the pressure women are undertaking with the unfair burden of domestic responsibilities worldwide!

May 12th
Reply

Kyla McNamara

I took a break from listening for awhile, what happened to Charles?

Mar 2nd
Reply

Yaser Izadinia

hello, where can I find transcript of this episode?

Oct 3rd
Reply

Yaser Izadinia

hello, where can I find transcript of this episode?

Oct 3rd
Reply

Kristi Barnhart Kallgren

we may not be in a zombie apocalypse, but close enough.....wonder how this episode would be different if created now...

Sep 2nd
Reply

J B

I really like this podcast. Thank you for the great content!

Jun 25th
Reply

Thushanthi Ponweera

Just what I needed to hear today. Thank you!

May 29th
Reply

Chandra Sekhar

good

Apr 29th
Reply