How To Sex

The New Joy of Sex: Part 4. The allure of any size and shape. 2008, based on the works of Alex Comfort and Susan Quilliam. Listen to the podcast at How To Sex. Breasts. “In our maturer years,” wrote Erasmus Darwin, “when an object of vision is presented to us which bears any similitude to the form of the female bosom; we feel a general glow of delight, which seems to influence all our senses, and if the object be not too large we experience an attraction to embrace it with our lips as we did in early infancy the bosom of our mothers.” Breasts are the natural second target, but often the first one we reach. Just how sensitive they are, in men as well as in women, varies enormously, and according to physical state and mood. As with other sexual organs, size is unimportant in relation to sensitivity; if it still creates insecurity, however, fascinated attention is a more effective cure than surgery. Some breasts don’t answer at all, even in the emphatically non-frigid; some answer to extremely gentle touches, some to very rough handling (but they are sensitive structures; don’t let a need for forceful contact get the better of sound common sense.) Going round and round the nipple with the tongue tip or the glans, soft kneading with both hands, gentle biting, and sucking gently like a baby are the best gambits; she can do the same for him. (While there, both can occasionally check for suspicious lumps.) If her breasts are big enough to meet, one can get a surprising degree of mutuality from inter-mammary intercourse. This is a good expedient on occasions when she doesn’t feel like vaginal intercourse. She lies half flat on pillows, he kneels astride (big toe to her clitoris if she needs helping) with his foreskin, if he has one, fully retracted. Either he or she can hold the breasts together; wrap them around the shaft rather than rub the glans with them. It should protrude clear, just below her chin. Intercourse between the breasts is equally good in other positions; head to tail, or with her on top (especially if she has small breasts), or man sitting, woman kneeling; experiment accordingly. An orgasm from this position, if she gets one, is “round” like a full coital orgasm, and she feels it inside. Breast orgasms from licking and handling are “in between” in feel. His ejaculation this way gives her what’s known as a “pearl necklace”; he should rub the semen well into her breasts when he has finished (see semen.) Breasts, vagina, and clitoris all at once make the fastest and most concentrated buildup of sensation once intercourse has begun, for some women at least. Many easily stimulated women can also experience a rather special pleasure from suckling a baby. Nipples. a direct hotline to her most sensitive parts. She says: “Unlike a man’s nipples, a woman’s can have a direct hotline to her clitoris and vagina. A man who can dial this correctly and will only take the time can do anything. Palm-brushing, eyelash-brushing, licking, and loud sucking like a baby can work wonders; the orgasms one gets from these are mind-blowing without detracting a jot from intercourse to come after. Please take time.” He, meanwhile, can get a very special jolt from this, made more intense still if she is actually lactating; male suckling is more of a majority interest than you might think. On him, rather than by him, stimulation is less likely to have an effect; few men can get a nipple orgasm, but try a stiff pair of feathers (see feathers) or very gentle fingertip friction; men’s nipples easily get sore. If the effect seems lacking, assiduous attention over time may help; try gentle circles with a toothbrush. There is no proof in the theory that caffeine creates temporary nipple sensitivity, but it’s still worth a try. Fluctuating hormones before her period can turn sensitivity into discomfort, and if there is itching, swelling, bleeding, or discharge, get it checked out. This applies to him as well as to her. If a partner likes pain, or to test the possibility without putting the question direct, pinch nipples lightly, then harder (never when sore, lactating, or newly pierced.) The aim is a balance of pleasure and pain; after, once pressure is released, the whole body will be achingly sensitive for hours. If this appeals, move to nipple clamps (not clothes pegs, which aren’t adjustable); a linked pair with one on each of his and her breasts also provides a neat accompaniment to any movements that create a gentle tug. When taken off, pinch with fingers, then release slowly to allow the blood to flow back in comfortably. Limit time on such play; 15 minutes is enough. Buttocks. a turn-on in almost equal measure far both sexes. Next in line after breasts, buttocks alternate with them as visual sex stimuli for different cultures and individuals. Actually the original primate focus, being brightly colored in most apes; apparently equally fancied by the Neanderthals, who produced some of the best Stone Age figurines. The buttocks are a major erogenous zone in both sexes, though less sensitive than breasts because they have fewer nerves and a layer of fat, and so need stronger stimulation (holding, kneading, slapping, or even harder beating; see discipline.) Intercourse from behind (see rear entry) is a pleasure in itself, but be careful if she has a weak back. In any position the muscular movements of coitus stimulate the buttocks in both sexes, particularly if each holds the partner’s rear fairly tightly, one cheek in each hand. These extra sensations are well worth cultivating deliberately. Visually, good buttocks are a turn on in almost equal measure for both sexes. Penis. while the penis is emphatically his, it also belongs to both of them. Not only the essential piece of male equipment, even if it is often and expressively described as a “tool,” the penis has more symbolic importance than any other human organ, as a dominance signal and, by reason of having a will of its own, generally a “personality.” No point in reading all this symbolism back here, except to say that lovers will experience it, and find themselves treating the penis as something very like a third party. At one moment it’s a weapon or a threat, at another something they share, like a child. Without going into psychoanalysis or biology, it’s not a bad test of a love relationship if, while the penis is emphatically his, it also belongs to both of them. In any case, its texture, erectility, and so on are fascinating to both sexes, and its apparent autonomy, a little alarming. Like the vagina, the penis collects anxieties and folklore, and is a focus for all sorts of magical manipulations. Male self-esteem and sense of identity tend to be located in it, as Samson’s energy was in his hair. If it won’t work, or worse, if she sends it up, or down, the results will be disastrous. This explains the irrational male preoccupation with penile size. Size has absolutely nothing to do with physical serviceability in intercourse, or; since female orgasm doesn’t depend on getting deeply into the pelvis; with capacity to satisfy a partner, though many women are turned on by the idea of a large one, and a few say that they feel more (see size.) If anything, thickness matters more than length. Nor has flaccid size anything to do with erect size; a penis that is large when at rest simply enlarges less with erection. There is no way of artificially “enlarging” a penis. Nor, except in very rare cases, is a penis too big for a woman; widthwise, the vagina will take a full-term baby. If his penis, whatever its length, knocks an ovary and hurts her, he shouldn’t go in so far. A woman who says she is “too small” or “too tight” is usually making a statement about her arousal levels; she needs time, understanding, and foreplay. Shape also varies; the glans can be blunt or conical. This matters only in that the conical shape can make receptacle-tipped condoms uncomfortable through getting jammed in the tip. Women who have really learned to enjoy sex are usually as fascinated by their lover’s penis, size included, as men are by women’s breasts, shape, odor, and feel, and learn to play with it fully and skillfully. Circumcised or not (see foreskin), it’s a fascinating toy quite apart from its main use. There is a whole play scene connected with uncapping, stiffening, and handling it, making it pulsate or ejaculate, that is a major part of togetherness. This is equally important for the man; not only is it ego-boosting, but good hand- and mouth work practically guarantee a good sexual partner. Care and maintenance: if he isn’t circumcised, he will need to retract the foreskin fully for cleaning purposes, and if it won’t retract beyond the corona all round the glans except at the front, get it seen to (correcting it involves a trifling operation with a blunt probe and doesn’t necessarily mean that he needs circumcising.) If it won’t retract properly or is over-tight and gets stuck, get that attended to as well. Slight asymmetry often develops with time; this does no harm unless it’s pronounced or painful, in which case see a doctor. On the other hand, don’t bend an erect penis or use a position in which it could get violently bent by accident. (This usually happens with the woman on top if she is careless near orgasm, or in putting him in, and he is just short of fully stiff; keep a little control here.) It is possible, though difficult, to fracture one of the two hydraulics contained in the shaft. This is very painful and can lead to pain or kinking on subsequent erection. The normal organ will stand up to extremely hard use, but not to these. (Avoid also silly tricks with suction and so on; see inflators.) Sores, discharge, lumps, bumps, bleeding, and so on signal illnesses and need treatment. Even if you both have proof that you are free of all sexually transmitted diseases; if you aren’t, condoms are mandatory; don’t have oral intercourse with someone who has a herpes on the mouth; you

The New Joy of Sex: Part 3. A Lover's State of Mind and Soul. 2008, based on the works of Alex Comfort and Susan Quilliam. Listen to the podcast at How To Sex. Hormones. The fuel in the sex machine, keeping desire, arousal, and performance ticking over, as well as driving affection and love. For the most part, they form a constant underpinning of mood, supporting though never replacing the honest-to-goodness sexual diesel generated by enthusiastic lovers. A peak or a valley, on the other hand, can impact. Sexually, the crucial fuel is testosterone, for her as well as for him. His will peak during his twenties, then settle into a more or less consistent pattern, dipping over the course of a long term relationship and rising in a new one; no excuse for straying, but a possible explanation of the temptation to do so. With age, it will gently decline; but rarely enough to cause problems; if his erection is failing, that’s reason for action, not resignation. In her, testosterone has the same effect, raising desire, demand, and energy; in the last third of her menstrual month, when levels of the hormone are high, try more urgent, fighting sex. Around the menopause, as estrogen drops away and testosterone levels stay high, she may find to her delight a lust that lasts for months or years; a second adolescence of which she can take full advantage. Oxytocin, the “cuddle hormone,” both bonds partners in affection and makes them less likely to want to be sexual; one reason why the postorgasmic default is to hug rather than go for a second bout. Add in prolactin, the “done that, time to rest” hormone also released at orgasm, to explain why, for him in particular, the default may well be to sleep. Prolactin is released when breast-feeding too, another reason why postpartum she may be utterly turned off all things sexual; just as the contraceptive pill, breast-feeding, and stress may imbalance her general hormone levels, with the same low-desire result. But never be held hostage; hormones may affect mood, but they can’t overrule action; clear thinking, reassuring communication, and making love regardless are often enough to offset imbalances. These notes are mainly included here for interest and understanding; all genuine lovers will want to know what’s under the hood in order to make the car purr more sweetly; but largely there are no bedroom applications. If the machine falters, however, science is increasingly able to supply an answer; see your doctor. Preferences. More of us than we may think have a wide sexual range; that is to say, are able to respond sexually to either gender. Yes, many recognize who they are early in life and never shift. But adolescents often experiment before settling, and adults dream; same-sex relationships are in the top three sexual fantasies for heterosexuals, and some of the most surprising people; like Hans Christian Andersen; live out such dreams in real life. Preferences are not a choice that can be overridden in the long term; you may like both sexes, but if you don’t, the irrelevant one simply doesn’t smell right and there is no negotiating that. If you occasionally wonder; as opposed to having strong and clear desires in a particular direction; you are probably not gay but curious. If you have strong, clear desires, don’t agonize but talk it through; ringing a gay or lesbian help line won’t mean you are persuaded or presupposed into it, but will mean you speak to someone who has asked themselves the same questions as you have and found appropriate answers. Your own answer, once found, could transform your sex life and also your life in general; passion can flow and activities that seemed off-putting with one gender can, with the other, feel natural and fulfilling. Surely it doesn’t need saying that the joy of sex is rooted in knowing who you really are. As to the whole political agenda, happily in most countries all of the above is not the “problem” it was when this book was first written, though in most cultures it’s still a challenge and in others it’s still actively against the law, either secular or religious. We, however, believe that one person’s flavor of sexuality is no one else’s business; everyone should be free to follow their inclinations without fear or favor. If you don’t, you not only waste your own life pretending to be someone you aren’t, you also potentially waste the life of a partner who knows there is something not quite right but can’t pinpoint it. Whatever your preferences, be honest with yourself and your beloved, and never think you can “cure” a partner of their own preference by imposing yours upon them. This book is written for the straight reader but, within the context of a loving relationship, behaviors borrowed from the whole range of possible preferences can have their uses. Don’t dismiss (or judge) anything until you have tried it at least once. Confidence. It is, surely, a self-fulfilling prophecy that the more confident you are, the more you will enjoy sex. This is not about arrogance; the assumption that one is God’s gift will be an instant turnoff, particularly to women, if only because they know with that sort of mental map a man won’t have bothered to learn enough to be even moderately useful. At the other end of the extreme, a partner who starts off lacking in confidence only proves delightful if they ultimately benefit from care and feeding; lasting and insistent insecurity is draining in bed and out of it. But true sexual confidence; being relaxed, knowledgeable about oneself, willing to learn about another, ready to ask for what’s needed, happy to take charge, and unwobbled by either failure or rejection; makes for that ultimate in sexual partners, one who is able both to give and receive with an equal abundance of pleasure. This has nothing to do with looks. Nowadays, almost all women; and an increasing number of men; are scared of being spurned on that count, but this is because the media manipulates body image. If you don’t love your body, change your mind; if your partner doesn’t love your body, change your partner. Note to her: men are almost always more focused on sensation and the feelings of acceptance that sex gives than on your size, shape, or degree of firmness. If he has ever hugged you clothed, he already knows your shape; if when you are unclothed he has an erection, then he not only accepts but lusts after it. Note to him: women care hardly at all about shape, so relax please. He, however, may have other insecurities. He is asked to demonstrate potency in much more obvious ways than she is, and the men’s magazines may have convinced him that unless he can do so he will be rejected. But in terms of pure erection, there are always other ways; and for most women those ways are just as acceptable, certainly on an occasional basis. If generally nervous, the answer is to end up in bed only with a partner one is relaxed with and then try things out. As with all human activities, the way to mastery is through play. Whatever one’s size, experience, and ability; or disability; good sex is one of the most powerful confidence-builders because it places each partner right in the center of the other’s attention; beyond that, genuine compliments, demonstrated affection, and a total lack of comparison will complete the magic spell. She says: “Show me that you think I’m beautiful and everything else follows.” His words may be different, but the essential message will be the same. Cassolette; her greatest sexual asset alter her beauty. French for perfume box. The natural perfume of a clean woman: her greatest sexual asset after her beauty (some would say greater than that.) It comes from the whole of her; hair, skin, breasts, armpits, genitals, and the clothing she has worn: it is her own signature scent and no two women are the same in this respect. Men have a natural perfume too, which women are aware of, but while a man can be infatuated with a woman’s personal perfume, women on the whole simply tend to notice if a man smells right or wrong. Wrong means not so much unpleasant as intangibly not for them. Often their awareness of a man includes conditioned extras such as work odors or aftershave. Because it’s so important, she needs to guard her own personal perfume carefully and learn to use it as part of her powers of attraction as skillfully as she uses the rest of her body. (We now know the science behind all this; pheromones, a kind of biological speed-bonding, making one attractive, relaxing a potential partner, creating mood. They say, “I’m interested; I’m interesting.”) In particular, a woman’s personal perfume can be a long-range weapon (nothing seduces a man more reliably, and this can happen subliminally), but at the same time a skillful man can read it, if he is an olfactory type, and if he knows her, to determine when she is sexually excited. Susceptibility and consciousness of human clean perfumes vary in both sexes. Women have the keener sense of smell, but men respond to it more as an attractant. Whether these are inborn differences, like inability to smell asparagus, or whether they are due to unconscious blocking-out, we don’t know. Some children can’t understand the point of blind man’s buff because they know by smell who is touching them: some women can smell that they are pregnant. Men can’t smell some chemicals related to musk unless they have a shot of female sex hormone. Far more human loves and antipathies are based on smell than our deodorant-and-aftershave culture admits. Many people, especially women, say that when it’s a question of bed or not-bed, they let their noses lead them. Which means it’s sad that, culturally, we are conditioned to deodorize and perfume. Better by far would be soap and water, although the unfortunates who sweat profusely may well have problems. A mouthful of aluminum chloride in an armpit is one of the biggest disappointments bed can afford, and a truly deodorized partner would be ano

The New Joy of Sex: Part 2. A private performance of fine arts. 2008, based on the works of Alex Comfort and Susan Quilliam. Listen to the podcast at How To Sex. The antique idea of the woman as passive and the man as performer used to ensure that he would show off playing solos on her, and early marriage manuals perpetuated this idea. Today, she is herself the soloist par excellence, whether in getting him excited to start with, or in controlling him and showing off all her skills. Solo recitals are not, of course, necessarily separate from intercourse. Apart from leading into it, there are many coital solos; for the woman astride, for example; while mutual masturbation or genital kisses can be fully fledged duets. Solo response can be electrifyingly extreme in the quietest people. Skillfully handled by someone who doesn’t stop for yells of murder but does know when to stop, a woman can get orgasm after orgasm, and a man can be kept hanging just short of climax to the limit of human endurance. The solo-given orgasm, whether from her or from him, is unique; neither bigger nor smaller in either sex than a full duet but different; sharper but not so round. And most people who have experienced both like to alternate them. Trying to say how they differ is a little like describing wine. Differ they do, however, and much depends on cultivating and alternating them. Top-level enjoyment doesn’t have to be varied, it just often is. In fact, being stuck rigidly with one sex technique usually means anxiety. In this book we have not, for example, focused on coital postures to the exclusion of all else. The common positions are now familiar to most people from writing and pictures if not from trial; the more extreme ones, as a rule, should be spontaneous, but few of them have marked advantages. This explains the apparent emphasis in this book on extras; the “sauces and pickles.” That said, individuals who, through a knot in their psyche, are obliged to live on sauce and pickle only are unfortunate in missing the most sustaining part of the meal; exclusive obsessions in sex are very like living exclusively on horseradish sauce through allergy to beef; fear of horseradish sauce, however, as indigestible, unnecessary, and immature is another hang-up, namely puritanism. One of the things still missing from the essence of sexual freedom is the unashamed ability to use sex as play. In the past, ideas of maturity were nearly as much to blame as old-style moralisms about what is normal or perverse. We are all immature, and have anxieties and aggressions. Coital play, like dreaming, may be a programmed way of dealing acceptably with these, just as children express their fears and aggressions in games. Adults are unfortunately afraid of playing games, dressing up, and acting scenes. It makes them self-conscious: something horrid might get out. In this regard, bed is the place to play all the games you have ever wanted to play; if adults could become less self-conscious about such “immature” needs, we should have fewer deeply anxious people. If we were able to transmit the sense of play that is essential to a full, enterprising, and healthily immature view of sex between committed people, we would be performing a mitzvah: playfulness is a part of love that could be a major contribution to human happiness. But still the main dish is loving, un-self-conscious sexual pleasure of all kinds; long, frequent, varied, ending with both parties satisfied, but not so full they can’t face another light course, and another meal in a few hours. The piece de resistance is good old face-to-face matrimonial, the finishing-off position, with mutual orgasm, and starting with a full day or night of ordinary tenderness. Other ways of making love are special in various ways, and the changes of timbre are infinitely varied; complicated ones are for special occasions, or special uses like holding off an over-quick male orgasm, or are things that, like pepper steak, are stunning once a year, but not dietary staples. There are, after all, only two “rules” in good sex, apart from the obvious one of not doing things that are silly, antisocial, or dangerous. One is: “Don’t do anything you don’t really enjoy,” and the other is: “Find out your partner’s needs and don’t balk at them if you can help it.” In other words, a good giving and taking relationship depends on a compromise (so does going to a show; if you both want the same thing, fine; if not, take turns and don’t let one partner always dictate.) This can be easier than it sounds, because unless their partner wants something they find actively off-putting, real lovers get a reward not only from their own satisfaction but also from seeing the other respond and become satisfied. Most wives who don’t like Chinese food, will eat it occasionally for the pleasure of seeing an Asian food loving husband enjoy it, and vice versa. Partners who won’t do this over specific sex needs are usually balking not because they have tried it and it’s a turnoff (many experimental dishes are nicer than you expected), but through ignorance of the range of human needs, plus being scared if these include things like forcefulness, cultivating extragenital sensation, o r role-playing, which previous social mythology pretended weren’t there. Reading a full list of the unscheduled accessory sex behaviors that some normal people find helpful might be thought a necessary preliminary to any extended sexual relationship. Repolishing. Couples should match up their needs and preferences (though people don’t find these out at once); you won’t get to some of our suggestions or understand them until you have learned to respond. It’s a mistake to run so long as walking is such an enchanting and new experience, and you may be happy pedestrians who match automatically. Where a rethink really helps is at the point where you have gotten used to each other socially (sex needs aren’t the only ones that need matching up between people who live together), and feel that the surface needs repolishing. If you think that sexual relations are overrated, the surface does need repolishing, and you haven’t paid enough attention to the wider use of your sexual equipment as a way of communicating totally. The traditional expedient at the point where the surface gets dull is to trade in the relationship and start all over in an equally uninstructed attempt with someone else, on the off chance of getting a better match-up by random choice. This is emotionally wasteful, and you usually repeat the same mistakes; better by far to repolish. As to practicalities, we suggest couples either read the book together or (perhaps even better) read it separately, marking passages for the other partner’s attention. This works wonders if; as is often the case; you don’t really talk easily about sexual needs, or are afraid of sounding tactless. Finally, if you don’t like the repertoire or if it doesn’t square with yours, never mind; the aim of The Joy of Sex is to stimulate your creative imagination. Sex books can only suggest techniques in order to encourage you to experiment. You can preface your own ideas with “this is how we play it,” and play it your own way. But by that time, when you will have tried all your own creative sexual fantasies, you won’t need books. Ingredients. Tenderness. a constant awareness of what your partner is feeling, plus the knowledge ol how to heighten that feeling, gently, toughly, slowly, or last. This, in fact, is what the whole book is about. It doesn’t exclude extremely forceful games (though many people neither need nor want these), but it does exclude clumsiness, heavy-handedness, lack of feedback, spitefulness, and non rapport generally. Tenderness is shown fully in the way you touch each other. What it implies at root is a constant awareness of what your partner is feeling, plus the knowledge of how to heighten that feeling, gently, toughly, slowly, or fast, and this can only come from an inner state of mind between the two of you. No really tender person can simply turn over and go to sleep afterwards. Many if not most inexperienced men, and some women, are just naturally clumsy; either through haste, anxiety, or lack of sensing how the other sex feels; so don’t grab breasts, stick fingers into the vagina, bend the penis, or (and this goes for both sexes) misplace bony parts of your anatomy. More women respond to very light than to very heavy stimulation; just brushing pubic or skin hairs will usually do far more than a whole-hand grab. At the same time, don’t be frightened; neither of you is made of glass. Women, by contrast, often fail to use enough pressure, especially in hand work, though the light, light variety is a sensation on its own. Start very gently, making full use of the skin surface, and work up. Stimulus toleration in any case increases with sexual excitement and even hard blows can become excitants (though not for everyone.) This loss of pain sense disappears almost instantly with orgasm, so don’t go on too long, and be extra gentle as soon as he or she has come. If we could teach tenderness, most of this book would be superseded. If you are really heavy-handed, a little practice with inanimate surfaces, dress fastenings, and so on will help. Strength is a turn-on in sex, but it isn’t expressed in clumsy hand work, bear hugs, and brute force; at least not as starters. If there is a problem here, remember you both can talk. Few people want to be in bed on any terms with a person who isn’t basically tender, and most people are delighted to be in bed with the right person who is. The ultimate test is whether you can bear to find the person there when you wake up. If you are actually pleased, then you can be sure that you are onto the right thing. Nakedness. The normal state for lovers who take their work at all seriously, at least as a basic requisite. They don’t so much start clothed, and shed what they must, as start na

The New Joy of Sex: Part 1. The art of gourmet lovemaking. 2008, based on the works of Alex Comfort and Susan Quilliam. Listen to the podcast at How To Sex. Preface 1. I first wrote this book nearly 20 years and over 8 million copies ago. I am a physician and human biologist for whom the natural history of human sexuality is of as much interest as the rest of human natural history. I had notes on it. My wife encouraged me to bring biology into medicine, and my old medical school had no decent textbook to teach a human sexuality course. Joy was compiled and very importantly, illustrated, just after the end of that daft and extraordinary non-statute in Western society, the Sexual Official Secrets Act. For at least two hundred years, the description, and above all the depiction, of this most familiar and domestic group of activities, and of almost everything associated with them, had been classified. When, in the sixteenth century, Giulio Romano engraved his weightily classical pictures showing sixteen ways of making love, and Aretino wrote poems to go with them, a leading ecclesiastic opined that the artist deserved to be crucified. The public, apparently, thought otherwise (“Why”, said Aretino, “should we not look upon that which pleases us most?”) and Are tin’s Postures have circulated surreptitiously ever since, but even in 1950s Britain pubic hair had to be airbrushed out to provide a smooth and featureless surface. People today, who never experienced the freeze on sexual information, won’t appreciate the propositions of the transformation when it ended; it was like ripping down the Iron Curtain. My immediate predecessor in writing about domestic sex, Dr. Eustace Chesser, was (unsuccessfully) prosecuted for his low-key, unillustrated book Love Without Fear, and even in 1972 there was still some remaining doubt about whether Joy would be banned by the Thought Police. The main aim of “sexual bibliotherapy” (writing books like this one) was to undo some of the mischief caused by the guilt, misinformation, and lack of information. That kind of reassurance is still needed. I have asked various people; chiefly older couples; whether The Joy of Sex told them things they didn’t know, or reassured them about things they knew and already did or would like to do. I have had both answers. One can now read books and see pictures devoted to sexual behavior almost without limitation in democratic countries, but it takes more than a few decades and a turnover of generations to undo centuries of misinformation; and of this material, much is anxious or hostile or over the top. People who worried, when the book first came out, if they did some of the things described in it may now worry if they don’t do all of them. That we can’t help, nor the fact that the same people who went to doctors because of sexual fear and inhibition under the old dispensation now go complaining of sexual indigestion under the new. Sexual behavior probably changes remarkably little over the years; sexual revolutions and moral backlashes chiefly affect the degree of frankness or reticence about what people do in private; the main contributor to any sexual revolution in our own time, insofar as it affects behavior, has not been frankness but the advent of reliable contraception, which makes it possible to separate the reproductive and recreational uses of sexuality. Where un-anxious books dealing as accurately as possible with the range of sexual behaviors are most valuable is in encouraging the sexually active reader; who both wants to enjoy sex and to be responsible about it; and in aiding the helping professions to avoid causing problems to their clients. It is only recently, as ethology has replaced psychoanalytic theory, that counselors have come to realize that sex, besides being a serious interpersonal matter, is a deeply rewarding form of play. Children are not encouraged to be embarrassed about their play; adults often have been and are still. So long as play is not hostile, cruel, unhappy, or limiting, they need not be. One of the most important uses of play is in expressing a healthy awareness of sexual equality. This involves letting both sexes take turns in controlling the game; sex is no longer what men do to women and women are supposed to enjoy. Sexual interaction is sometimes a loving fusion, sometimes a situation where each is a “sex object”; maturity in sexual relationships involves balancing, rather than denying, the personal and impersonal aspects of arousal. Both are essential and built-in to humans. For anyone who is short on either of these elements, play is the way to learn: men learn to stop domineering and trying to perform; women discover that they can take control in the give-and-take of the game rather than by nay-saying. If they achieve this, Man and Woman are one another’s best friends in the very sparks they strike from one another. This book has changed considerably since its first edition and it will be revised again in the future as knowledge increases. What will not change is the central importance of un-anxious, responsible, and happy sexuality in the lives of normal people. For what they need; in a culture that does not learn skills and comparisons in this area of living by watching; is accurate and unbothered information. The availability of this, and public resistance to the minority of disturbed people who for so long limited it, is an excellent test of the degree of liberty and concern in a society, reflected in the now-old injunction to make love, not war. It is a socially relevant test today. Alex Comfort, MB, D Sc, 1991 Preface 2. I am a relationships psychologist and sexologist whose lifetime aim, through a variety of expert roles, has been to help people enhance their emotional and sexual partnerships. So when the publishers of The Joy of Sex approached me to “reinvent” the book for the twenty-first century, it seemed to me the fulfillment of everything I have been working for. I well remember the original publication of Joy, and the awed giggles with which I and my friends read, discussed, and then put into practice its suggestions. So I know firsthand what over the decades proved to be true: Joy is an astonishing and inspirational child of its age, born not only out of social but also political changes that irreversibly altered the sexual landscape for individuals, couples, and society. Barely a decade before the book’s 1972 publication, the contraceptive pill had, for the first time in history, enabled women to have control over their own fertility. In its wake came increased female education, emancipation, and self-belief, as well as a whole host of liberalizations, sexual and social; increasing permissiveness, more frequent cohabitation, easier divorce, more available erotica, and gay rights. Joy was not only a product of this revolution, it also helped create it. Dr. Alex Comfort’s aim was to write the first book that gave readers accurate knowledge about sexuality, and permission to use that knowledge. The text and illustrations were designed to both reassure the reader that their sexuality was normal and to offer further possibilities with which to expand their sexual menu. He was hugely effective in his intention; 8.5 million copies of The Joy of Sex have been sold to date and it has been translated into fourteen languages. More than that, it was a key influence on the social changes of the late twentieth century and has been a byword for sexual vision ever since. Why, then, reinvent? There have already been content revisions, in the author’s lifetime and after his death in 2000, the most recent being the highly successful thirtieth-anniversary edition by Alex’s son Nicholas Comfort. But the very changes that Joy itself wrought in society have meant that the book has come to need updating in a more fundamental way. This was my task; to re create The Joy of Sex for the contemporary world; to do what Alex Comfort would have done had he been writing today. The majority of the text remains the same, but substantial additions have been made. Many of these are informational; there have been countless key scientific discoveries in recent years in the fields of physiology, psychology, psychotherapy, and medicine, while the advent of sexology; the specialist study of sexual matters; has resulted in both rigorous academic research and a more widespread public awareness of, and skill in, sex. Alongside these informational updates, a great deal of refocusing has been necessary to reflect social shifts. An intimate relationship is a very different animal from what it was in 1972. It’s now largely expected that sex will be part of every love partnership, that bedroom activity will include practices previously considered outrageous, and that these practices will be informed and often suggested via a new raft of technological advances. It’s acknowledged that a woman can lead just as much as a man, both in bed and out of it; one reason why the publisher chose a woman to reinvent the book. And it is, albeit slowly, now acknowledged that a couple’s sex life lasts well into their later years and increases, rather than decreases, in quality. Yet along with all these positive developments has come a flurry of problems that weren’t predicted in the heady days of 1972. Pressure to have sex; regret that one has had sex; worry that one isn’t sufficiently beautiful to deserve sex; worry that one isn’t having enough sex or enough good sex. And all that is set beside high rates of pregnancy, abortion, and sexually transmitted infections. In the twenty-first century, as we hastily adapt to a society arguably more sexualized than any previous one, it’s a wild world out there. All of which is why the many changes made to Joy have been underpinned by what remains the same; an absolute yet pragmatic optimism around sexuality and its place in our lives. Running throughout the original book was a rock-solid seam of positivit

STDs: What Are They and How Do You [not] Get Them?By Everyday Health. Listen to the ► Podcast at How To Sex. This episode deals with the following STD concerns: Chlamydia, Genital Herpes, Gonorrhea, Hepatitis B, HIV, HPV, Molluscum Contagiosum, Syphilis, Trichomoniasis, Chlamydia, Genital Herpes, Gonorrhea, Hepatitis B, HIV, HPV, Molluscum Contagiosum, Syphilis, Trichomoniasis.The number of cases of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), now more commonly referred to as sexually transmitted infections (STI), in the United States hit an all-time high in 2019, according to data released on April 13, 2021, by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). The CDC’s surveillance report shows that nearly 2.5 million new cases of gonorrhea, syphilis, and chlamydia were reported that year.Chlamydia remained the most common condition reported to the CDC, with close to 1.8 million cases, up 19 percent since 2015. Gonorrhea diagnoses reached 616,392, up 56 percent since 2015. And primary and secondary syphilis diagnoses reached 129,813, up 74 percent since 2015.Of high concern is that congenital syphilis cases, that is, syphilis in newborns, nearly quadrupled between 2015 and 2019, reaching 1,870 cases. From 2018 to 2019 the number of stillbirths caused by syphilis increased from 79 to 94, and the number of congenital syphilis-related infant deaths rose from 15 to 34 deaths.While the 2019 STD statistics reflect pre-COVID-19 pandemic numbers, preliminary data from 2020 suggests many of the same trends continued during the pandemic. Experts attribute some of the growth in STDs in 2020 to disruptions in STD testing and treatment programs caused by the pandemic.While 2.5 million cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis may sound like a lot, it’s likely an undercount: Many people with these and other STDs, formerly known as venereal diseases, go undiagnosed and untreated. The CDC estimates that nearly 20 million new sexually transmitted infections occur every year, accounting for almost $16 billion in healthcare costs annually.Inequities in STD BurdensThe numbers of STDs increased in all age groups and among all racial and ethnic groups in 2019, according to CDC statistics. However, some groups saw higher rates of STDs than others:People ages 15 to 24 accounted for 61 percent of chlamydia cases and 42 percent of gonorrhea cases.Gay and bisexual men accounted for nearly half of all primary and secondary syphilis cases.Here’s what you need to know about how to spot, treat, and prevent STDs.What Is the Definition of an STD?“STDs are diseases that are passed from one person to another through sexual contact,” a representative of the CDC says.According to the CDC, some of the common STDs are chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes simplex virus type 2 (HSV-2), human immunodeficiency virus (HIV), human papillomavirus (HPV), and syphilis. "Many of these STDs do not show symptoms for a long time," per the CDC, "but they can still be harmful and passed on during sex.”Virtually all STDs can be transmitted through anal, vaginal, or oral sex. In addition, some STDs can also be transmitted through close skin-to-skin contact, even if no intercourse occurs.HPV, for example, can be spread through skin-to-skin touching. In addition, “Molluscum contagiosum, a viral skin disease, can be spread through sexual or casual contact, as can scabies, an itchy skin condition caused by a mite infestation. It is also possible to get scabies from an infected sleeping bag or bed,” says Edward W. Hook III, MD, an endowed professor of infectious disease translational research in the departments of medicine, epidemiology, and microbiology at the University of Alabama in Birmingham, who works with the CDC.STDs don’t just affect the genital regions: “Oral herpes can be transmitted through oral and genital sex,” says Dr. Hook.It is important to remember that STDs may have no symptoms. However, new vaginal or urethral discharge or a new rash after sexual contact should be evaluated by a medical professional.When symptoms do occur, they can include the following:Chlamydia Symptoms of chlamydia can include vaginal discharge in women, penile discharge in men, and burning during urination in men and women.Gonorrhea Gonorrhea can cause thick, cloudy, or bloody discharge from the vagina or urethra, and pain or burning when peeing. If you have gonorrhea in your anus, it may cause itching in and around the anus, discharge from the anus, and pain when defecating. Gonorrhea in the throat may cause a sore throat.Hepatitis B Acute hepatitis B can cause fever, fatigue, loss of appetite, nausea or vomiting, abdominal pain, dark urine, clay-colored bowel movements, joint pain, and jaundice (yellowing of the skin and whites of the eyes). Symptoms can appear anywhere from six weeks to six months following exposure to the hepatitis B virus. Chronic hepatitis B sometimes causes symptoms similar to acute disease.Genital Herpes Signs of genital herpes typically include red bumps that develop into blisterlike sores in the genital area and sometimes on the buttocks or thighs. A new infection with HSV-2, the virus that causes most cases of genital herpes, may also cause flulike symptoms, including fever, headache, feeling tired and achy, and swollen glands.Oral Herpes Symptoms of oral herpes can include itching of the mouth or lips, sores or blisters on the lips or inside the mouth, and flulike symptoms such as fever, headache, body aches, and swollen glands.HIV Early symptoms of HIV infection can resemble those of the flu: fever, headache, muscle aches, and sore throat. They may also include swollen lymph nodes, diarrhea, nausea and vomiting, a fungal infection of the mouth, and a rash on the abdomen, arms, legs, or face. If HIV goes untreated, later symptoms can include fatigue, weight loss, night sweats, joint pain, short-term memory loss, and recurrent infections.HPV Most strains of HPV cause no symptoms and are detected only after abnormal cells are discovered during a Pap smear. However, some types of HPV cause genital warts, which appear as skin-colored or whitish growths on the genitals or anus.Molluscum Contagiosum Often the only sign of this skin disease is pink or flesh-colored bumps with a dimple (indentation) in the center. It is most common in children, who typically get it from skin-to-skin contact or from shared towels or similar items. In adults, it can be sexually transmitted.Pubic Lice Symptoms of pubic lice include itching in the genital area, tiny bugs in your pubic hair, and visible nits (eggs) on hair shafts. Pubic lice can also infest the hair on legs, armpits, eyebrows, eyelashes, and other facial hair such as mustaches and beards.More on Scabies and Pubic LiceHow to Know If That Rash Is ScabiesScabies This skin infestation causes intense itching that is typically worse at night. It can also cause small red bumps or a rash and raised lines on the skin where the mites have burrowed.Syphilis In the primary stage, syphilis causes a painless sore, or ulcer, at the location the bacteria entered the body, often in the genital area. In the secondary stage of syphilis, a rash may occur on the torso and elsewhere on the body.Trichomoniasis Another common STD, trichomoniasis is a parasitic infection that can cause burning and itching in the genital area for men and women as well as painful intercourse. Trich can also cause a smelly discharge and painful or frequent peeing.Can I Have an STD and Not Know It?Yes. Many STDs don’t cause any symptoms, especially during the early stages, so the only way to know for sure if you have one is to get tested. Keep in mind that you can get an STD from having sex with someone who has no symptoms and may not know they have an STD.Are Adolescents Disproportionately Affected?The CDC reports that half of newly reported cases of STDs occur in people between the ages of 15 and 24, noting that young women’s bodies are biologically more susceptible to STDs.“Chlamydia and HPV are common as soon as you become sexually active,” Hook says. “Gonorrhea and genital herpes peak in the late twenties to thirties.”All STDs, though, including HIV, can and do occur at any age.When and How Often Should I Get Tested?“Women should be tested for chlamydia on a regular basis. Some gynecologists test for it automatically, but not all do,” Hook says.Chlamydia Treatment and PreventionTesting for chlamydia, gonorrhea, and trichomoniasis involves collecting either a urine sample or a swab from the vagina or penis.For other STDs, including HIV, syphilis, and genital herpes, blood testing is most accurate.To test for HPV, a sample of cervical or anal cells must be collected.How often an individual needs to be tested for STDs depends on their level of risk for infection.The CDC recommends the following for testing for chlamydia:Annual screening in sexually active women age 25 and younger and in older women who are at an increased risk for infection because of a new sex partner or multiple sex partnersAnnual screening in men who have sex with men, based on exposure history, with more frequent screening in people at the highest riskScreening in all pregnant women at their first prenatal visitAnnual screening in sexually active people living with HIVThe CDC's recommendations for gonorrhea testing include the following:Annual screening in sexually active women who are at risk for infection, which includes women ages 25 and youngerAnnual screening in men who have sex with men, based on exposure history, with more frequent screening in people at the highest riskScreening in all pregnant women under age 25 and older women who are at an increased riskAnnual screening in sexually active people living with HIVThe CDC's recommendations regarding screening for syphilis include these guidelines:Screening in all pregnant women at their first prenatal visitAnnual screening in men who have sex with menAnnual screening in sexually active people living with HIVThe CDC has additiona