How to Parent Peacefully. With the Hand in Hand Parenting approach.

This week's episode is an Ask Me Anything episode, where parents in my community submit their questions and I answer them on the pod. I have some wonderful questions to answer this week which I think will be relevant to so many of you.A teacher and grandmother asks about the challenges of introducing connection-based approaches to children into the preschool setting. I answer a question about helping a child move on from pull-ups to confidently use the potty or toilet.  I discuss how we can gently support children with their underlying feelings so they can move through their fears and challenges. I talk about how to deal with habits like nail biting and nose picking - what’s really going on under the surface and what can we as parents do about it.And my final question is about smartphone use and the many, many challenges faced by parents around that. ​​If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe to the podcast, share it with a friend and consider leaving an iTunes review and/or a Spotify rating. It will help this conversation reach even more parents.I would love to stay in touch! You can follow me on Facebook and Instagram @PamParentCoach. I always love to hear from my listeners.If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe to the podcast, share it with a friend and consider leaving an iTunes review and/or a Spotify rating. It will help this conversation reach even more parents.I would love to stay in touch! You can follow me on Facebook and Instagram @PamParentCoach. I always love to hear from my listeners.

Today on the podcast I talk about the small interactions with your child that happen many times a day but often don’t go so smoothly. A simple request from you turns into a standoff or an argument - and you just want your child to listen without all the drama.  This is something parents ask me about all the time:“I don’t want to respond harshly to my children but I don’t want to be permissive either - what do I do?”    The question is - how to approach discipline when you don’t want to use threats or punishments but trying to be gentle isn’t working either -  you are stuck in an endless cycle of trying to be gentle but your patience wears thin and you descend into arguments swiftly followed by you losing your cool. It doesn’t feel very gentle but the only alternative seems to be to allow your child to do what they want! There is another way to set limits in a gentle way with your child, in a way that doesn’t use fear or control and doesn’t damage your relationship. So I’m talking about how to deal with those small everyday interactions which cause arguments or conflict over and over again - like bedtime, like wanting a snack right before dinner, like turning the TV off.  You want to say no but you don’t want the arguments. I take you through Hand in Hand Parenting’s approach to setting limits using the “Listen, Limit, Listen” framework. It works like a dream and you can rest assured you are holding firm without using fear and whilst still leaving room for feelings.  This episode I recorded outdoors by the sea, so there is a little bit of wind interference, I hope it isn’t too annoying. Here is a photo of my view so you can picture the scene! If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe to the podcast, share it with a friend and consider leaving an iTunes review and/or a Spotify rating. It will help this conversation reach even more parents. I would love to stay in touch! You can follow me on Facebook and Instagram @PamParentCoach. I always love to hear from my listeners.

Today I talk about why parents get angry in the heat of the moment with their children and what you can do in the moment when you feel the anger rising in you.   This is a re-record of the very first episode of the podcast. The sound quality is poor in the original but it is such a great topic so I wanted to put it out there again in better quality. And we need to hear this information over and over again because in the heat of the moment we can't think well and afterwards we tend to beat ourselves up about not being the gentle parent we want to be.  ​⁠In this episode I talk about my three strand approach to help parents who are losing their cool with their kids.  We all want to be gentle parents. We don't set out to yell at our kids. We feel horrified when we yell and we know it isn't a good strategy. And yet we find ourselves flipping our lids again and again.  So why exactly do we lose our cool? I talk about the big picture of trying to parent in a stressful society that doesn't support parents well and I talk about the physiological changes that take over our brain and lead to us flipping our lid - we literally can't help it, we are not bad parents and willpower alone can't stop the emotional brain taking control. When we understand what's going on in our brain, we can be compassionate towards ourselves and then take responsibility and take action to keep our emotions in check. We can approach this in 3 ways: 1. By taking care of our own needs we are more resourced and less burnt out. Then we are in better shape to take care of our kids. We can't pour from an empty cup.  2. In the moment strategies to work with our nervous system to bring it back into balance when we lose our cool.  3. Prevention is always better than cure - when we work on our triggers, we take the emotional charge out of the situation and we are less likely to lose our tempers. There is no quick fix but we can make progress over time to heal and grow as a parent - and shout less as a result.  In this episode I talk about Dan Siegel's YouTube video where he explains flipping the lid.  I also mention Episode 62 of my podcast: three things I ask myself when I lose it with my kids. ​If you would like to watch the replay of my Peaceful Parent Masterclass you can do so here.  If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe to the podcast, share it with a friend and consider leaving an iTunes review and/or a Spotify rating. It will help this conversation reach even more parents. I would love to stay in touch! You can follow me on Facebook and Instagram @PamParentCoach. I always love to hear from my listeners.

In today's episode I talk about that dreaded scenario when you have your day planned out with work or other commitments and your child says (directly or indirectly) "I don't want to go to school today". Your heart sinks. You might panic or try to persuade them that they do really want to go. When we act from a place of panic or frustration, it usually leads to upset and conflict and rarely moves things forwards. So today I talk to you about how best to proceed when you are triggered and your child is digging their heels in. I talk about how to shift out of frustration and respond instead with empathy and curiosity. Often that is all our children need. I talk about the importance of acknowledging and validating our children's feelings (instead of gaslighting them or talking them out of their feelings). And of course we need to look at the context: is the school or childcare setting meeting our children's needs and is there anything we can do to help support them. As always, connection is the key to supporting our children with these tricky situations. For more ideas to solve difficult mornings, check out the following podcast episodes: #023 Overcoming Morning Meltdowns I talk about how to inject connection into your mornings so everything runs more smoothly. Episode 58 Stress-free mornings: How to get children dressed and ready for their day without the battles I talk about some fun games to try when your child doesn’t want to get dressed. If you want more, join my upcoming free Why Your Kids Won't Listen Masterclass which is happening on 6th February 2024 at 8pm UK time. Click here to register. If you are ready to put these ideas into practice in your own parenting, come and work with me over in the Peaceful Parent School.  Click here to find out more and book your place. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend and consider leaving an iTunes review. It will help this conversation reach even more parents. I would love to stay in touch! You can follow me on Facebook and Instagram @PamParentCoach. I always love to hear from my listeners.

In this week’s episode I talk about a super quick, super effective way to connect with your little ones after you’ve all had a busy day apart.  Often asking them about their day leads to one word answers or can make your child irritable with you.  Despite their reluctance to talk to you, they want to reconnect, they want to feel close to you but asking them questions is rarely the best way.  Instead, I have a quick 10 minute fix that will bring you both closer. When you come back into connection with your child, you both feel better. It will help bedtime go more smoothly, they may fall asleep more easily and will be more cooperative the next morning - well worth the ten minute investment.  Listen to the episode and you will be inspired to give it a go and reap the benefits for your family. Also, I have a free training happening this Monday 22nd January over on my Peacefully Parenting Under 8s Facebook Group Its called “Journal your way to exceptional parenting”. It’s all about how you can use journaling to stay motivated and inspired in your parenting. Hop over to my group or drop me an email hello@pamtheparentcoach with the word ‘journal’ and I will send the replay over to you.  If you are ready to put these ideas into practice in your own parenting, come and work with me over in the Peaceful Parent School.  Click here to find out more and book your place. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend and consider leaving an iTunes review. It will help this conversation reach even more parents. I would love to stay in touch! You can follow me on Facebook and Instagram @PamParentCoach. I always love to hear from my listeners.

Happy new year! Today I want to talk about the only new year’s resolution you need to make to get your parenting back on track.  It is one of my favourite practices and it is probably the most effective and most important parenting strategy that you can start using straight away.  January is a great time of year to reassess your parenting, to notice what needs to go and what you need to get back on track.  Over Christmas we often drop the normal routines and bad habits can creep in so it is almost a relief when January comes around and we can get back on track again.  But with that often comes self-judgement and self-criticism, especially when those good intentions don’t get off the ground or get quickly forgotten about.  I’m here to show you a simple way to bring some self-love and kindness into your parenting - so you can be your own biggest cheerleader instead of your own worst enemy.  I explain why being kind to yourself can be a total game changer in your parenting and I take you through 4 quick and easy steps to calm the inner critic and replace it with self-kindness.  I also talk about the wider reasons that parenting is so hard and why we tend to blame ourselves for wider societal problems.  It is so good to be back talking to you - wishing you a very happy and peaceful new year.  If you are ready to put these ideas into practice in your own parenting, come and work with me over in the Peaceful Parent School.  Click here to find out more and book your place.If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend and consider leaving an iTunes review. It will help this conversation reach even more parents.I would love to stay in touch! You can follow me on Facebook and Instagram @PamParentCoach. I always love to hear from my listeners.

Oh no, Christmas is almost upon us! We all know that Christmas with small children doesn't always go smoothly. The mix of excitement, lack of routine and excessive amounts of sugar doesn't always make for a peaceful holiday. But fear not, I am your Christmas elf and I’m going to help you make it through the festive season with your sanity intact - and hopefully you will also be able to have some fun along the way. We all need a pep talk at this time of year to get us through the lack of routine, the rollercoaster of excitement and disappointment, the meltdowns, the sugar highs and lows and the overwhelm that both parents and children feel at this time of year.  We can so easily become stressed at this time of year - and our kids can too.  So this episode is full of practical tips and reminders of small things you can do to boost connection, manage the meltdowns and hopefully get on track to having a peaceful and enjoyable Christmas season. Warning - there will be meltdowns - and that’s ok! You can still make a memorable Christmas whilst navigating all the big feelings our little people throw at us.  This is my last episode for 2023 so I would love to send you lots of seasonal Solstice love and a very peaceful new year. If you are ready to put these ideas into practice in your own parenting, come and work with me over in the Peaceful Parent School.  Click here to find out more and book your place.If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend and consider leaving an iTunes review. It will help this conversation reach even more parents.I would love to stay in touch! You can follow me on Facebook and Instagram @PamParentCoach. I always love to hear from my listeners.

The last thing exhausted parents want to hear is that they should be playing with their kids more - right? Perhaps the thought of rough and tumble play fills you with dread, perhaps you have tried it and it all ended in tears, or perhaps you are curious about it but you aren't quite sure how to go about it. This week I'm here to inspire you to give physical play a go with your kids. In as little as 10 minutes a week you can bring more giggles, more connection and more fun to your family. And instead of seeing it as one more thing you should be doing, I'm going to show you how you can introduce a sustainable way to play and how it will actually bring more cooperation and less drama to your home. I share with you how physical play can give your kids: a felt sense of being loved and appreciated confidence a sense of agency practice at regulating their emotions an embodied experience of boundaries and consent a way to shake off sibling rivalries and conflict lots and lots of giggles! I take you through 11 tips to make the most out of physical play in your family whether that is a weekly family wrestle or a pillow fight before bed. The benefits are huge to your family if you get the foundations right. I would be so delighted to hear your success stories. You can email me hello@pamtheparentcoach.com. And if you find physical play tricky, I'd love to hear from you too. Some other playful episodes you might enjoy: 034 Tooth-brushing Special: how to diffuse standoffs with the power of play #017 The difference between regular play and Playlistening #014 How to be a more playful parent! (and how play can solve common parenting standoffs) #003 How 10 minutes of rough and tumble play can turn bedtime around If you are ready to put these ideas into practice in your own parenting, come and work with me over in the Peaceful Parent School.  Click here to find out more and book your place.If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend and consider leaving an iTunes review. It will help this conversation reach even more parents.I would love to stay in touch! You can follow me on Facebook and Instagram @PamParentCoach. I always love to hear from my listeners.

When parenting is hard, when we lose patience with our kids or we don’t have the motivation to give them the attention they need, we almost always blame ourselves.  Parent’s ask me all the time what they can do in these tricky situations. They presume the fault lies with them, if only they responded differently, tried harder, did more, then things would be better.  But what if none of it was your fault and the real reason parenting can be so very hard is that we are parenting in a very unnatural way that is in stark contrast to how we evolved as a species to raise our children and live in community together? This week’s topic is inspired by an article I read a few weeks ago by Peter Gray entitled  “Beyond Attachment to Parents: Children Need Community” where he looks at research into the adult-child interactions in a hunter-gatherer society and what we can learn from their child-rearing practices.  I have been thinking about the ideas in this article and talking to my clients and other parents about it ever since. It has resonated so deeply with me and them - that I decided I wanted to talk about it some more on the podcast this week.  We can’t go back to the old ways of hunter-gatherer tribes, nor would we want to. But we can learn so much about ourselves and the condition we need to thrive. We can take those lessons and think about practical ways we can create more community and more support for ourselves.  I want to shift the conversation away from parents’ individual struggles and perceived failings towards how we as a society can support each other better and take on the shared responsibility of raising children.  If you enjoyed this episode, I would love to hear your thoughts about how you are going to build more community and support into your life. Get in touch and I can send you more information on Listening Partnerships.  If you would like to attend my live training “Strong-willed child survival Guide” then click here to join my free Facebook group Peacefully Parenting Under 8s.  The training takes place on Tuesday 7th November 2023 at 8pm UK time.  If you have missed the training and want the replay, let me know and I will send it to you.  If you are ready to put these ideas into practice in your own parenting, come and work with me over in the Peaceful Parent School.  Click here to find out more and book your place. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend and consider leaving an iTunes or Spotify review. It will help this conversation reach even more parents. I would love to stay in touch! You can follow me on Facebook and Instagram @PamParentCoach. I always love to hear from my listeners.

Today is an Ask Me Anything episode. I have lots of juicy questions about a whole range of topics including children running away in carparks, responding to a child who always wants a new toy in the shops, helping a child who doesn’t like to say hello or goodbye, a child who often interrupts, impulse control with hitting and sibling rivalry. I love the Ask Me Anything episodes because I think it helps parents to see that they are not the only ones trying to figure out how to deal with their child in a respectful and gentle way, that other parents are struggling too with the everyday challenges of parenting.  If you would like to ask your own parenting question, join my Peacefully Parenting Under 8s Facebook Group and get great community support plus lots of free trainings on the practical ways you can get gentle parenting working in your family. In this episode I mention Episode 20 Why kids hit, bite, pinch or kick and what to do about it.​If you are ready to put these ideas into practice in your own parenting, come and work with me over in the Peaceful Parent School.  Click here to find out more and book your place.If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend and consider leaving an iTunes review. It will help this conversation reach even more parents.I would love to stay in touch! You can follow me on Facebook and Instagram @PamParentCoach. I always love to hear from my listeners.

Today I am talking about self-forgiveness in parenting and why it is so very, very important as we all strive to be more gentle parents. In fact, I will go as far to say that it is difficult to be a gentle parent without extending that same empathy towards yourself. Empathy is at the very heart of gentle parenting but it is often considered something we offer mainly to our children. But it is hard to offer something we aren’t receiving ourselves. If we want our children to be empathetic towards themselves and those around them, then (as with all things parenting) we need to model that same kind of empathy towards ourselves. In this episode I talk about why self-love is so important and I describe a beautiful practice that you can start using straight away to bring more compassion into your life. So you can become your own best friend instead of allowing that critical voice to be your worst enemy.  Timestamps: [00:02:02] Default parenting and autopilot. [00:03:36] Forgiving ourselves in parenting. [00:08:05] Feeling bad after losing temper. [00:11:43] Love and empathy for ourselves. [00:15:08] Forgiving ourselves is important. [00:18:17] Feeling guilty after losing it. [00:22:02] Big emotions and self-compassion. [00:25:15] Practicing self-compassion in parenting. If you are ready to put these ideas into practice in your own parenting, come and work with me over in the Peaceful Parent School.  Click here to find out more and book your place.If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend and consider leaving an iTunes review. It will help this conversation reach even more parents.I would love to stay in touch! You can follow me on Facebook and Instagram @PamParentCoach. I always love to hear from my listeners.

It is great to be back with season 3 of the podcast! And today I’m talking about After-school Restraint Collapse. You may not have heard this term - if you haven’t, it simply refers to the phenomenon of kids holding it together all day and then after-school they fall apart. They might have a meltdown in the car on the way home or they might be grumpy and short-tempered for the rest of the day, making everyone else's day miserable too. I’m going to talk in depth about what causes After-School Restraint Collaps, why it’s on the increase, what’s going on at an emotional level and how we can deal with it. I spend time looking at the big picture of why school isn't working for so many children and also what parents can do in the moment to support their child. I talk about the coke bottle analogy - how the micro-stressors that children experience every day in school is like shaking up a bottle of coke. Then, when they reconnect with you, their safe person, they stop trying to hold things together and all those bubbles come fizzing out - sometimes explosively so. In this episode I talk in depth about the challenges many children face in a school system that is often not child friendly. I want to emphasise here that there are many amazing teachers in the school system that are working hard to create safe, nurturing spaces for their students - thank you! We need more of you doing this work. And I also acknowledge that it is difficult for teachers to work within a system that has large class sizes and a focus on standardised testing of students. The reality is that many children struggle with the school system and we need to question why that is and what we can do about it. I think it is important to focus on the big systemic issues as well as the very practical steps you can take to meet your child's physical and emotional needs after school. 00:00:16 Understanding after school restraint collapse. 00:05:28 Emotional support is crucial for children. 00:14:51 Schools can be stressful for kids. 00:17:05 Advocate for your child's needs. 00:20:42 Listen and believe your child. 00:25:58 Practice self-compassion in parenting. 00:30:35 Self-care for balanced parenting. 00:35:35 Connection and play help children process emotions. 00:42:07 Support and connect with parents. If you are ready to put these ideas into practice in your own parenting, come and work with me over in the Peaceful Parent School.  Click here to find out more and book your place.If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend and consider leaving an iTunes review. It will help this conversation reach even more parents.I would love to stay in touch! You can follow me on Facebook and Instagram @PamParentCoach. I always love to hear from my listeners.

This week on the podcast I am talking about boundaries and limits. Boundaries in parenting are about understanding our own comfort levels and needs in a given moment with our children. They are internal and help us establish limits with our kids. These limits don't have to be harsh or controlling; they can be set in a gentle, loving, and warm manner. Boundaries and limits are not about trying to control our children but rather about being authentic with our children and maintaining our own well-being at the same time. Setting boundaries is about honouring our own needs and comfort levels, which in turn allows us to have more compassion for others. When we communicate clear boundaries, we avoid resentment and are better able to meet the needs of our children.  It is crucial to respect and honour our children's preferences and needs whenever possible, helping them develop a strong connection to themselves as they grow older. This can be challenging in today's world, but even small steps towards honouring their preferences can make a difference. I invite parents to regularly check in with themselves when making parenting decisions, asking if they are comfortable with a situation in a given moment. By setting limits based on this self-assessment, parents can maintain an authentic connection with their child, rather than trying to control them. If you are ready to put these ideas into practice in your own parenting, come and work with me over in the Peaceful Parent School.  Click here to find out more and book your place.If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend and consider leaving an iTunes review. It will help this conversation reach even more parents.I would love to stay in touch! You can follow me on Facebook and Instagram @PamParentCoach. I always love to hear from my listeners.

This week on the podcast I am talking about how to help our children with frustration.  I think frustration is one of the most difficult emotions to be with - because so often we end up frustrated ourselves. We quickly get frustrated with our children’s frustration.  So this week I’m talking about how we can break out of that cycle of frustration and deal with it in a more emotionally mature way so we can support our children to offload their own frustrations and take on challenges in life without hiding away from the difficult things they are faced with.  I talk about how to unravel our own stories around frustration, how to stay present and grounded in the moment, why connection (as always) is the key, whey we don’t have to shy away from the bigger feelings underneath the frustration and I also have some playful ideas to help in the moment and proactively at other times.  And as always, I have a big dose of empathy for you - it is ok to show up as the messy, imperfect human you are to support your child with their big messy feelings. We are all imperfect parents figuring it out together.  If you are ready to put these ideas into practice in your own parenting, come and work with me over in the Peaceful Parent School.  Click here to find out more and book your place.If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend and consider leaving an iTunes review. It will help this conversation reach even more parents.I would love to stay in touch! You can follow me on Facebook and Instagram @PamParentCoach. I always love to hear from my listeners.

This week’s topic is prompted from a question in my Facebook group about parenting from afar. This parent is working away for 3 weeks and wants to know how to help her child with the separation. Separations do affect children, but there is so much we can do to support them with separation - whether it's dropping your child to school or daycare every day or longer separations when you are away for days or weeks. ​ In this episode, I talk about how we can help children with separation before, during and after we are away from them. I talk a lot about meeting children in their world of play to support them with the feelings of separation and also using play to stay connected to them while you are away. I also talk about validating your child's experience if they are struggling with some big feelings around separation. If you would like to learn more about dealing with tantrums and meltdowns in a way that builds emotional resilience, then come along to my free class this Monday 15th May at 8pm UK time. It takes place over on my Facebook group Peacefully Parenting Under 8s. If you are ready to put these ideas into practice in your own parenting, come and work with me over in the Peaceful Parent School.  Click here to find out more and book your place.If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend and consider leaving an iTunes review. It will help this conversation reach even more parents.I would love to stay in touch! You can follow me on Facebook and Instagram @PamParentCoach. I always love to hear from my listeners.