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Intimate Interactions

Author: Victor Salmon

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Improve your relationships, get confident asking for what you really want, and have more intimate, satisfying sex! These lessons from non monogamy and consensual kink can improve any relationship and help you connect more with yourself and others. Check out
92 Episodes
Chronic conditions are rarely easy. It’s a seemingly permanent change to your quality of life and the habits and behaviours you can have for the rest of your experience on this planet. Sometimes, the conditions are long term and treatable, but other times there’s nothing you can do. Today, we’re talking with Charisma, a former addict and HSV positive person about her anxiety and depression. We talk about social acceptance but will dig into stigma in another episode. However depression and anxiety can be chronic conditions. I’m excited to chat more about mental health with an old friend with whom I haven’t caught up in years.
Okay this session with Tillie is much more content rich than the last one I recorded while experiencing intestinal distress. We chat about power exchange and how it informs self-domming or executive function as it’s more academically described. How do you plan or organize for having reduced function? We note that managing self care can be exhausting but list strategies for dealing with chronic conditions and talk about how we reduce the emotional labour behind self care. We share strategies like touch and somatic movement as a way to manage and distract from pain. Tillie offers a model of expensive versus cheap feelings. We briefly touch on ring theory, and I talk about my fear of trying to hold down a job. We also talk about processing the loss of connection or loss of experiences that can come up when chronic conditions or our bodies demand we miss out on something or someone. About half way through we take a break to check in with friends and then come back to finish our conversation about boot blacking - our initial topic. An anonymous friend consenting to podcast with us joins us to chat about ADHD, and connective tissue disorders like Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. Tillie and friend share their origin stories. I say goodbye afterwards and do a brief summary. Enjoy!
We talk briefly about consent and art. In and among these conversations, we somehow get on the topic of consent in bestiality - consider this your content warning that that’s in here. We also talk very briefly about a warehouse fire in California where some people died. So content warning for that. And with those in mind, let’s go to the session with Sophia here on Intimate Interactions. We talk briefly about consent and art. In and among these conversations, we somehow get on the topic of consent in bestiality - consider this your content warning that that’s in here. We also talk very briefly about a warehouse fire in California where some people died. So content warning for that. And with those in mind, let’s go to the session with Sophia here on Intimate Interactions. How much do you think about challenging social norms in your selection process at SEAF and at the PEF gallery for the art you choose? Do you find the selection process for SEAF challenges your opinions more or that your opinions challenge the pieces more? What was your last experience with art that felt dangerous or that challenged you? How does consent work with art that squicks you out, and how do you manage art in a public space that might provoke negative emotions or responses?
At WCB this year, I had some pretty severe chronic pain. I get periodic intestinal issues leading to severe headaches and sometimes nausea. I’ve had the same gastro enterologist for almost two years now and nothing we’ve tried has helped except hydrating more and eating low FODMAP which have helped a little. When I’m in distress, a little goes a long way. The difference between an 8 out of 10 and an 8.5 out of 10 is significant in my emotional exhaustion. This session, I chat with Tillie about self-care and our chronic conditions. I’m pretty sick for most of the episode so if you find it’s not content rich enough for you, I understand. What this episode does in my opinion is open an intimate window into what my experience of the world is like. If you don’t have chronic pain or illness, this might give you a look into what one specific kind might look like - very different from other kinds. About 20 minutes in, I get interrupted to go do my volunteering duties. I take some medication and then get right back to it. To be honest, the podcasting was a helpful distraction from my condition.
My friend Sapphire is back to chat about the thinning of the veil tonight on Samhain or as you might know the night, if you’re not pagan, Hallowe’en. Some of you might be celebrating All Saints Evening, the evening before All Saints Day, especially if you’re Catholic. Some, especially in certain parts of Europe, take All Saints Day seriously enough to go to the graves of their loved ones and pray for their departed dead to help get them from purgatory into heaven. Some of you, especially in Latin America and the United States, are getting ready to connect with your departed relatives over the next couple of days on Dia de Muertos. Or maybe this is just another day in the two weeks before Diwali, this year on November 14th. Keep in mind Indians don’t follow the Gregorian calendar, meaning the holiday falls on different days each year. Last year it was October 27th, and the year before, November 7th. Or perhaps you’re celebrating one of many other traditions. If I missed you, write in and let me know. I’ll happily give you a shout out on a future episode. I also want to shout out Islamic Emperor Muhammad bin Tughlaq - apologies for my pronunciation - who ruled from his court in Delhi, India from 1324 to 1351 for being the first muslim emperor to celebrate a Hindu festival in his court. One of the reasons the Mushals made up a quarter of the world’s GDP at their height, eclipsing even the superpower of the age, the Ming dynasty was their inclusion of many different cultural groups in their empire. India is a bit of a buffet of varied cultural traditions and uniting most of it could not have been easy. I hope we can learn from their example and encourage those around us to be tolerant, especially as we approach a divisive and polarizing election season. Speaking of collections of diverse cultures and traditions - for many of us secular folks like myself, Hallowe’en is just that. In Vancouver, Canada or the stolen unceeded lands of the Musqueam, Squamish, and Tsleil-Wautulth peoples, it barely resembles to me, traditional All Saints Eve even though it is technically the same holiday originally. This modern version of Hallowe’en with Trick or Treating, horror movies, Autumn harvest feasting be it Samwain or a day early for All Saints’ Day’s feast - it is what many modern holidays are: an excuse to curl up warm after dinner and share some laughs with those who matter most to you. The pandemic has made so many things harder for so many of us, especially those who are currently unpartnered. I encourage you to reach out and connect with groups online. There are plenty of folks on discord or reddit or many other places, who are just as desperate for a warm human voice to talk to. If you are really struggling and can afford it, consider joining some kind of distraction as a service provider like World of Warcraft or if you don’t have any money, something like Heroes of the Storm or Modern Warfare or any number of other free gaming communities online. There are *tons*. We’re also approaching the darkest months of the year, and I’m extremely grateful to have found the mental health medication that works for me. Do you need to check in with your GP about starting into a medication? Or maybe you need to google what kind of sliding scale counselling is most readily available where you live? Don’t forget to do those things if they sound like they might be right for you. I can’t stress enough how important planning is in dealing with seasonal depression, something I’ve struggled with my entire life. I started trying medications in the summer. I do counselling every couple of weeks. I am working through workbooks on mental health and healthy communication. I’m also not saying any of those are right for you... ...
Sophia invites me to her hot tub for a skinny dip and podcasting about kink, BDSM, consent, consensual nonconsent (though Sophia doesn’t like that term), switching, bisexuality, pansexuality, hierarchical nonmonogamy, and many others. It’s sure to be an intimate session. We talk about the origins of the Safe, Sane, Consensual or SSC paradigm. The origins are credited to Slave David Stein whose name eludes me in the recording. Feel free to google it if you’re interested in knowing more. The director of Pan Eros Foundation in Seattle, Sophia is one of those bad asses that in my opinion has dedicated her life and efforts to making meaningful change in culture. Pan Eros supports the Seattle Erotic Art Festival, Consent Academy, and an erotic art gallery in downtown seattle. The hot tub was low so we had to add a lot of water and were worried it would be quite cold because the night was cold and in traditional Pacific North West fashion, it had been raining. The first thing I do on getting into the hot tub is lose my footing and almost submerge myself (and the recorder). Note: I erroneously say 3 V of power when I recognize voltage isn’t power. The maximum capacity of those batteries is 1.2 Ah meaning the power varies by amperage draw. After reading some sites online, one said a short circuited AAA battery typically maxes out around 4.5 Amps which means less than 15 watts of power, so my point stands but my needs for security, accuracy, and correctness decided to spend your time explaining this. Thanks for your patience. Also, no recorders were harmed in the making of this podcast.
Depression is a serious mental illness that affects most of us at some point in our lives through our friends, loved ones, or personally. Lots of folks have some experience of depression during their teen years, but what if that depths-of-the-ocean kraken never went away? What if there was an ongoing lingering threat that you could slip back into it at any time? My experience of depression has been sort of like that, an ongoing, cyclic struggle with depression that’s worse in the winter and then a little easier to manage when I’m out in the sun. I cope with therapy, UV light treatment, meds, and a host of strategies implemented from therapy. Currently, my depression is peeking through all of that as it’s January. Friends on meds have suggested I increase my dose in the winter, which is a great idea. Today, I have one of my older friends, wicked, on the show. Her experience with depression isn’t that different from mine, but I’ll let her tell you about it herself. Resources Unhelpful Thinking Sylte (or if broken see ) Questions Do you identify as a person with depression? What have been your experiences and symptoms of depression as a teenager? How has it changed with age as you’ve grown and what is your experience of depression now? How have your self-perceptions of failure or success impacted your depression? (Thinking styles that don’t serve us, CBT) What’s your gender? How has gender stuff impacted your depression?
Jazz Goldman is back to talk about an orgy they invited me to at which we got to have fun sexy times. We talk about best practices, how we sometimes suspend best practices, and not being too hard on ourselves. I process my feelings about having chronic illness and about not noticing an allergic reaction that happened to me at an orgy. While you can’t control what life throws at you, you can control how you respond to it and the people you choose to support and surround yourself with. Fortunately for me, I surrounded myself with the very best people who were incredibly understanding, kind, and compassionate. Jazz even helps me cultivate more self compassion. Since we were both returning from a hot tub session, a demanding orgy, and then showering and getting ready for bed, we’re both pretty tired and dopey. While it picks up later in the session, I decided to do my nails. It may not seem like the best life decision to choose to do it while recording a podcast, but I wanted to get my thoughts down while the emotions were fresh and doing my nails is a form of self-love and self-validation because that kind of femme feels more authentically like me. So while to cope with feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy, I do my nails while recording which results in a slower-paced conversation. Jazz and I usually record intimate sessions but this one takes the pie for most intimate in my opinion. Enjoy.
Wicked is back to talk about sexual scripting, relationship anarchy, butt sex, and friends with benefits. We talk about people not being need fulfillment machines, how damaging scripting can be, and how liberating writing our own scripts is. Wicked helps us dispel myths that relationship anarchists are always non monogamous - she’s a perfect example of a mongamous or more recently monogamish relationship anarchist. Let’s hear it straight from the Wicked’s mouth on Intimate Interactions.
Sophia Sky invites me to her bedroom to podcast about the subjectivity and intimacy of art. How does are create intimacy between the art subject and the viewer or for that matter between viewers? We’ll try not to be too all over the place but… no promises. We also talk about Sophia’s passion for art and sexuality that has in part led her to become the director of pan eros foundation, a non profit organization that focuses on celebrating and cultivating sexuality through education and the arts. Aside from the erotic gallery in the historic pioneer square neighbourhood of Seattle, Pan Eros is also responsible for Consent Academy and Seattle Erotic Arts Festival. Let’s dive into the intimacy of art with Sophia Sky now on Intimate Interactions. When and how did you first take stewardship of Pan Eros foundation? When you think about art, how would you describe the kind of art that gets you most excited- what effect or achievement makes it art for you? What relationship is there between the subject described in erotic art and the viewer? Would you say art is about communication? What is art about for you? As a person who enjoys sexual exhibitionism and often especially enjoys the embarrassment play of showcasing publicly how sexual a private person is, I relate to a facilitator role in helping shame-fetishists get their kink on. What role does the artist have in facilitating a relationship between art subject and viewer? Part of my experience of appreciating art is imagining the experience of creating the art from the perspective of the artist. Do you do that as well? Aside from relationships with artist and art subject, there’s also a place for art community in our relationships to each other as art appreciators. What role does community have in providing room for sharing our experiences with each other as a casual or even intimate exercise?
If you'd like to do so and can afford a few bucks, come support me at and throw as little as one dollar my way. If you're able to do so, it all helps no matter how small. It's very appreciated. Thank-you. First, how much COVID-19 is out there? “It’s now been more than a month since she started experiencing symptoms, and she’s still battling a lingering headache, cough and fatigue.” (from May) "She's had a fever, she said, for more than 100 days.” (from June) “"COVID-19 can result in prolonged illness even among persons with milder outpatient illness, including young adults," the report's authors wrote.” (from July) “When most people think of COVID-19, they imagine two possibilities: a flu-like illness that clears on its own, or a life-threatening condition that requires ventilation and a hospital stay.” (from Aug) “Participants were recruited about 2½ months after their illnesses, when their symptoms were expected to have subsided. More than half reported lasting fatigue. Researchers looked for certain biological signs that might explain the results, such as white blood cell counts and inflammatory blood markers. They found none.” (from Sep) “A global online survey of almost four million people suggests that five per cent of people who contracted COVID-19 reported persistent symptoms one month later. According to a study recently accepted for publication in the European Respiratory Journal, 75 per cent of people admitted to hospital in Vancouver for COVID-19 continue to experience symptoms more than three months after the onset of symptoms.” (from Yesterday)
Today wicked is back to touch on career and gender stuff. What does success or failure look like in the mind of a depressive? How does career play into that? Gender also plays an interesting role in depression as it informs your sense of community and isolation. Body language is powerful, and isolation in small communities can be fatal. Outside of secondary sex characteristics like scent and lines of the body, almost all of gender is abstract and constructed from the clothes we wear to most of the behaviours we socialize as evidenced by differing behaviours among sexes in different societies. Some societies recognize a third gender and have done for millenia. Others have fewer boxes in which they categorize themselves. Fortunately, more and more countries are understanding that cosmetic modification of children’s genitals is probably a really bad thing that leads to mental health problems later in life, and that gender affirmation surgery is literally a life saving procedure. I think we discuss three notions today: that failure isn’t the absence of success, that gender is sorcery, and that mental health meds are a journey. Resources The Pyramid of Regulate-Relate-Reason from Dr. Bruce D. Perry ( The Window of Tolerance Image from Dr. Marie S. Dezelic (reposted on my site because her links appear broken). Read her article here: ( Questions How has pursuit of excellence contributed to depression? Now that you’re finally gaining career traction and doing super cool shit, is the success as fulfilling as you’d imagined before you had it? Have you done cognitive behavioural therapy and if so, has it helped? Have you tried medication and if so, has it helped? What’s next for you in tackling your depression?
I’ll begin with an aside about a cat. I mention rescue cat 27705 who is a foster kitty with black and white tuxedo colouration and an incredibly sweet disposition found malnourished and abandoned on a wooden pallet that has gained 50% of its body weight in under two weeks with me. Still underweight and almost 11 pounds, this cat plays fetch, is easy to pick up, and meows at me while I’m recording these introductions. Now to the introduction. My father like most humans is many things. He grew up Roman Catholic but commit apostasy and after travelling and soul searching decided to follow a spiritual path in an ashram in South India, the one in Puducherry specifically. If you’ve read Life of Pi, the ashram’s pool after which the protagonist is named is one in which my father has taken at least one swim. The ashram has been accused of being cultish before, lead by two leaders, one called Aurobindo Ghose after which I derive my middle name and my sister derives part of her first name. He is known to the ashramites as Sri Aurobindo. He was “arrested in the aftermath of a number of bomb outrages linked to his organization but in a highly public trial where he faced charges of treason… could only be convicted and imprisoned for writing articles against British rule in India.” During his stay in jail, he had mystical and spiritual experiences, after which he moved to Pondicherry leaving politics for spiritual work. The other is Mirra Alfassa, In her young adulthood she was a documented occultist, an atheist, and eventually a spiritual teacher. She married and divorced Heri Francois Morisset and Paul Antoine Richard. A full life to say the least. She also became revered as The Mother. I’ve heard stories through my father that these two leaders knew of each other before they met. So there are two potential narratives here: there’s the skeptic’s narrative of the ashram as a cult, and the mystic’s narrative as the ashram as a teaching temple guiding those willing to take the spiritual journey to a place of awareness and consciousness, the next evolution of humanity. The town of Auroville sprung up as a place of spiritual communism or if you prefer radical anarchism (to quote one man who met Mirra Alfassa), where anyone could meditate and advance their awareness regardless of creed, nationality, ethnicity, religion, etcetera. In Auroville is a quite amazing structure in my opinion called Matrimandir, an egg shaped structure with gold lotus-like petals arranged on the outside. I’ve had the privilege of going there and meditating inside the structure and offer my experience briefly. All in all, I try not to have too strong an opinion about any of this. My father is my father. Whether I apply a veneer of mystic or cultist or something in between, he is who he is and that narrative is less important to me, especially if it were to damage or estrange me from him. I love my father and hope simply to offer all the facts and perspectives and leave it to you to decide the frame you wish to put on this interesting portrait.
Jazz Goldman and I talk about organizing sex positive and sex-on-premises events. We talk about our love of these events and why we volunteer to do that work. We share our experiences in sex communities including the burner scene. I do use the word “literally” in this episode to mean “figuratively” which is now definitively one of the definitions of the word literally - don’t hate me for using modern English. I don’t like that the word has come to mean what it means, but I’m rolling with the punches. We also talk about the experience of organizing as mixed-race people of colour. What’s the difference between sex-on-premises and sex-positive in event organizing? What was going to your first sex event like? What do you like most about sex events? What kinds of sex-on-premises events exist in various cities you’ve been in? How does your experience as a non-binary femme affect your experience at sex-on-premises events? How does your experience as a Black person affect your experience at sex-on-premises events? What are common misconceptions of attendees who want to come to a sex positive event? What’s your experience with hosting events like these? What are some common misconceptions about trying to host sex positive events? What are some challenges to creating welcoming group sex environments? (shifts in relationship status, location, “aging out” ie: growing out of it, etc.)
Hi, Intimates! We talk with Yana Skorstengaard again today about her thesis in art therapy. Her research reveals great results from programs for incarcerated folks. Programs involving art can create the kind of self expression and other communication skills necessary for functional relationships. Outside of programs within incarceration, there are also alternatives available to a very small number of incarcerated folks including indigenous healing lodges. While I acknowledge both she and I are settlers which is to say non-indigenous to this land, the success of the healing lodge programs and our inability to create more spaces like it is too important not to mention, so we’re going to go ahead and try in a flawed and somewhat self aware fashion. Strategies developed by indigenous peoples in relationship repair and accountability for harming other folks in society are often radically different in approach from European descended strategies like incarceration, and it's worth lifting up the voices and values of marginalized cultures. This is especially easy when values align. For example, settler society here in Canada values efficiency, effectiveness, and science-mindedness. Really, we love numeric results, which often plays a role in how we spend our money as a society. However when we see marginalized cultures being far more successful than us, the least we as settlers can do is suck less. Other than the obvious option of being less racist in how we jail, try, and sentence folks, sucking less is easiest when we become open to win-win situations. Our values for results are aligned with indigenous values for relationship repair as a holistic process that considers offenders and victims, not just the relationship between offender and society focused around a social contract - to use colonial language. tl:dr - we could be less violent in how we treat consequences of harming others. There are ways to divert people who would be harmed by our traditional system. Yet we haven't capitalized on solutions like healing lodges that improve recidivism rates by about 100% which is to say they double the number who leave incarceration and stay out of incarceration. That is a truly remarkable accomplishment, literally twice as effective at what we supposedly value: rehabilitation and a restoration of the social contract. Well, let’s get into the session with Yana and chat more about how art can help people become more intimate with themselves and what her experience was visiting a healing lodge as a settler.
This session discusses group sex while Jazz Goldman and I are walking around at the Reifel Bird Sanctuary feeding ducks and getting accosted by gaggles of geese. Nerdy aside - Occasionally those gaggles would form a skein or two, the word for a gaggle of geese in flight. Of course, both gaggles on the ground or water and skeins in the air can be called flocks of geese correctly. Back to group sex - we talk about the sights and sounds, our personal experiences, misconceptions, and favourite parts. We talk about the way we move through group sex spaces and the way those spaces move around us as people of colour and non binary gendered humans. What are some common misconceptions about group sex/orgies? What alternative options or opportunities do you see in group sex over one on one sex (not that it’s a competition)? What kinds of group sex are currently your favourite and why? What additional concerns do you have going into group sex situations that you might not have in a one on one sexual encounter? Have you ever had group sex go poorly? How have you found race impacts group sex - or is it just the usual stuff that impacts sex and relationships in general?
Happy Two Year Anniversary of Intimate Interactions Podcast! This is the current episode I'm publishing to my patreon feed that I decided I'd publish to my free feed early! ^.^ Remember all of my content publishes free but as a thank-you to my patreon subscribers, I offer early access to great content. What does it mean when you feel a sense of intimacy that isn’t reciprocal? Today I’d love to focus on an aspect of that question: what is intimacy in podcasting? Do you know me? Do you know things about me? Do you know things about me very few people in my day-to-day life know? I would say the answer to most of those questions is probably: somewhat. Usually knowing those things, experiencing that intimacy - it represents a connection. Usually we could both predict what the other would likely do, feel, and Get ready for some meta content, folks. I am honoured to introduce you to both: one of my favourite short fiction podcasts, and to the esteemed veteran podcasters that in my opinion use their voices to promote talented new authors and build the writing community - all while bringing you great new fiction by donation or if you prefer, for free. S.B. Divya, Mur Lafferty, and Alasdair Stuart. By the way, it’s the two year anniversary of Intimate Interactions - hooray! Who would have thought I’d be interviewing veteran podcasters from a popular podcast on my little show? If you want to show me some love, post something kind on First, we’ll start with a quick introduction I recorded with SB Divya as one example of the kind of folks who have hosted Escape Pod. I’ll feature Mur’s intro next episode. SB Divya Former engineer specializing in machine learning with an education in computational neuroscience and signal processing Writer Mur Lafferty Many accolades including winning two parsec awards in the same year in 2008, won the 2018 Best Fancast Hugo Award for Ditch Diggers Writer Alasdair Stuart Co-owns Escape Artist Podcasts Writer (as seen in the Guardian, Sci Fi Now, How it Works, The Fortean Times, Neo, SFX, Bleeding Cool) Escape Artists ( Podcastle, The Fantasy Fiction Podcast Pseudopod, The Sound of Horror Escape Pod, The Original Science Fiction Podcast 576 - Karma among the Cloud Kings Cast of Wonders, The Young Adult Speculative Fiction Podcast Support them at Session 1 questions I'll be asking will likely be similar to: 1) What's the most intimate part of podcasting for you? 2) What excites you about podcasting? 3) Do you consider what you create art and why (or why not)? 4) How do you decide what to share of yourself or your life in your introductions and analysis of stories? 5) What has your time on Escape Pod taught you about life?
My soon-to-be 70 year old father visited from India and had a trans-ischemic attack while here. He’s been sick for about four weeks since he got here and was sick before he came, so I felt a sense of urgency to get to know him better, document for my nieces, and to ask what questions I had. He speaks well and often chooses only to highlight predominantly`the positives which could be seen as editorializing the past, you know - what I’m doing right now by offering a forward - or alternatively choosing to see only the positives. While some might argue parents who feel they’ve made mistakes and focus only on the positive are avoiding accountability, I haven’t gotten that sense from him and choose to believe he’s trying to illustrate the importance of focusing on the positives. I’ve recently been trying hard to notice positives in my life more and have been finding the effects if nothing else, relieving. The world feels less dark. I feel more hopeful. Of course, I’m also medicated, and both have played roles in my increasing satisfaction in life. It’s not about only seeing positive though - I lean into the negatives and express the bad. I feel when I’m hurting. However it’s easy as a depressive to only do those last ones. It’s much harder to notice the colour of leaves changing seasons or smile at fresh snow falling. Also, fun fact: this was recorded on Friday the 13th which was also my father’s mother’s birthday. Whelp - let’s go to the session.
Jazz and I drive to the Reifel Bird Sanctuary for a fun day out and have a conversation about their experiences in group relationships like the Triad they were in during college. They discuss the needs of the individual versus those of the group (a la Spock, or if you prefer, the Three Musketeers or … insert maybe whatever French philosopher that inspired themes in that book here). They also discuss the benefits and drawbacks. Let’s talk group sex and triads, here on intimate interactions. What’s your experience with group sex? What do you like best about group sex?
Happy New Year, Intimates! It’s 2020, the year where “partying like it’s 2020” will likely mean turning in around 10:30 pm so you feel rested the next morning. Just kidding - it’s the year of hindsight, and even with perfect hindsight, people stay up later than they say they want to and experience more motivation to commit to hard things the further away they are. I’ve always found that a bit embarrassing personally - or perhaps as a species? New Years is a time of new beginnings, which brings us to Imposter Syndrome, one of those things from which many of us (myself included) suffer when starting something new or even after many years. Someone once said to me “imposter syndrome is colonialism” and it got a lot easier to take off the sweater vest that is imposter syndrome. I personally cope by reminding myself that people I respect chose for me to be where I am and since I respect them, I respect their opinion of what they saw in me. Which brings us to today where I made a podcast for all of 2019 and some of 2018 every week for you folks. Here we are talking with Yana Skorstengaard about colonialism, moving, and grad-school, three related topics.
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