Jem Girls Podcast

When one rebrand ends... another begins. One that's a bit more ...charmed?? See what we did there? Yes, you read/heard/felt in your soul correctly: The JemGirls/Immortal Frenemies are ditching the Wendy train for a show less closely aligned with the forces of chaos for the iconic 90s witch-drama-of-sorts "Charmed." For folks unfamiliar, Charmed recounts the lives of three sisters (Prue, Piper and Phoebe Halliwell) who, late in life, discover they are witches and are destined to battle the forces of evil. So, basically our life story. And anyone familiar with our podcast knows that we'll be talking about the show like forty per cent of the time and going on random eyeball-related tangents the other sixty per cent. Welcome to our charm offensive. Charmed to have you.

We're back!! Yes, it's been a hot minute since our splendiferous 69th (nice) episode. And, since there's no better number than good ol' 69 (nice ...sorry we can't not) we're just going to go the route of Hollywood these days and do a reboot! Or maybe it's a requel? Or a refresh? Maybe a soft landing? Wait, sorry, that last one is about "recessions" which is also an "re" word so there's the weird nueral pathway on that one. Anyway, in our new form (this isn't even our final form!) we will be veering away ever so slightly from the masterpiece of 80s animation that is Jem and the Holograms and turn to... well, anything we want. First up: How Stella Got Her Groove Back. Why start with a seemingly random Black romcom from the 90s staring patron saint of high cheek bones Angela Basset? Because we can. And also because we got into saying "How Stella Got Her Grooce Back-cula" which is the actual reason. If you thought we were going to be any less ridiculous in the new year, I'm sure all of this has proven you wrong. Idiot. Where did you go to school, fool school? I bet you did and flunked out... or graduated with top marks. Whichever is funnier.

Hello and welcome to the debut of our inaugural fashion line “Litter and Old!” Yes, you heard that right, this Jem and the Holograms-inspired clothing series features the odd (yet enticing?) combination of garbage, the elderly and plenty of loose/fallen teeth. Because, as we say, “if you stay creeps, you don’t got to get creeps!” Okay, so not actually, we’re just really inspired by our girl Regine Cesaire who, in this episode of Jem, experiences all of the highs and lows of being a sought-after fashion designer. She also briefly dates a guy whose name is basically “chicken stick,” so that’s a thing. Listen to us ramble! And also discuss the concept of gum made out of discarded foreskin! Fun for the whole family!

One, two, three… wait a second, where’s the fourth wall? Is this episode missing entire wall!? Come on, now, we’ve seen lazy animation on Jem and the Holograms, but this really takes the cake. Nah, the animation is fine (well, “fine” Jem standards) we’re just talking about the meta-realness that is “The Day The Music Died.” Written by the one and only Rick “It’s a hard knock” Slifer (may he rest in pieces) this entry in to the Jemverse is a Zack Morris/confessional cam extravaganza. And we mean it, this episode is pretty solid overall, another rarity in anything we cover on this podcast.

Get ready and buckle up, because dance is heading to Zagreb! No, wait, sorry, not “dance,” as in the practice of moving one’s body to music (they probably have that up out in Croatia already), we mean “Danse,” the person with a parasitic blob for hair who really can’t dance despite their name. Why is Danse, accompanied by the whole Jem and the Hologram crew, heading to the former Yugoslavia? To find her mother or something. Who cares. What we’re really here for is the problematic portrayal of a foreign culture that Jem usually brings and, boy howdy, does this episode deliver! You got frame ups. You got societal corruption. You got evil dance directors who wield more power than “lowly” doctors. Yes, this episode has everything you didn’t ask for and far more, basically making it American propaganda. Which is pretty much what Jem is anyway, so enjoy!

In this week’s episode, Kathy Bates’ little brother and part-time co-writer of the gay porn series RoboCop: Alpha Commando, Cary Bates, joins forces with wise guy Greg Weisman to slap together a delightful mess of an episode (a messpisode? Yep, that zero percent works) called “Video Wars.” The Stingers, desperately needing a vacay from planet Earth after being subjected to Jerrica’s orphan army, plucked the strings of their giant harp and were summarily beamed back up to the evil universe whence they came (i.e. Germany), and the Misfits (and Clash ew) are back back back again to cause problems for the Holograms. Video is trying to video a video for Jem and the Holograms, and Clash, a master of disguise, puts on the skinsuit of some bish named Sara, who tricks the Holograms into filming them in their most unflattering moments. Eventually, like all episodes of this show, good prevails over evil (boring) and the Misfits are defeated yet again. Either way, get aroused listening to the sexy voices of Hakuna Matitties, Orifice Jones, and special guest Auntie Histamine, by streaming our podcast now!

We’re here, we’re queer and we’re in Season 3 of Jem and the Holograms! You know who else is here for the next/last batch of episodes and is also hella queer? The Stingers, everyone’s favourite Germanic pointer-sisters-dark-magic-throuple! Adding a fresh dash of jazz to the show’s lineup is Riot, who may or may not (but probably does) have pheromone powers. Minx, the, uh, sexually charged “minx” of the group. And, last but never least, the powerful witch/con artist Rapture. Truly, this is a trio that is so ridiculous we barely even have to make up random stuff to make them more interesting. I mean, we do (they’re aliens!) because that’s what the Jem Girls is all about. So strap yourself in and let’s go down the zany road that is Season 3!

Well, we’ve made it folks! The end of the second season of Jem and the Holograms is here. It has been a truly wild ride filled with twists, turns, flashbacks and flashes forward, orphan-soul-harvesting, absentee fathers sticking their dicks into holographic computers, and so much more!  In this week’s season finale episode, we are treated to yet another dose of fuckery as Kimber walks down the aisle as a child bride. We learn that her main motivation for getting hitched is to escape Jerrica’s oppressive yoke so that she can be subjected to the whims of an impulsive and unhinged man she barely knows! If this show is good at anything, it is portraying suuuper dramatic romantic entanglements that often lead to love triangles, covert gay sex, and unadulterated violence for the benefit of the youth. Here at Jem Girls podcast, we endorse exposing children to all the messiness life has to offer from a very early age. Clearly, Christy Marx shares this worldview with us!

Oh, the glitz and glam of Hollywood, a perfect fit for any sophisticated, fun and smart young woman. In other words: the antithesis of Jem/Jerrica Benton. Somehow, though, Jem secured an Oscar nomination (remember when she did that movie? Way back in season one? Yeah, those sowed seeds are getting harvested) which, even in the Jemisphere, is a major shock. Not that this two-parter is really about Jem and the Hologram’s adventures in Hollywood. No, the plot takes a darker turn towards the realm of child bridery, as Kimber (who is, again, legally a child) starts accepting marriage proposals from anyone standing in front of her. For real. Will Kimber be married off to secretly-55-year-old Sean Harrison? Or will it be unhinged stuntman Jeff whatever-his-last-name-is? Or will Jerrica just lock Kimber up in a dungeon like she usually does? Only one way to find out!

On our podcast, we frequently discuss the concept of time and how we really don’t understand it (and as a couple of former little girls who are turning into a pair of grizzled old hags, time is also our forever enemy). In this week’s episode fittingly called “Out of the Past,” we flashback-back-back it up to the past and then flashback to the future so many times, we got whiplash (whiplash-back?) For reasons, Jerrica and the Holograms uncover Emett Benton’s (Jerrica and Kimber’s creepy ass dad, for those of you who can’t remember) old treasure chest full of family pictures, his journal, and other doodads from the past. They learn about their hot bitch of a mother, Jacqui Benton who, aside from being a hot mom in an assortment of halter tops, was also apparently a singer-songwriter. More importantly, though, we learn of how there was some other random orphan girl way back in the day who Kimber probably swallowed whole out of spite. We also learn more of the origin story of how Synergy came to be. Long story short: Jacqui Benton dies, Emett abandons his daughters and his livelihood to create a holographic sexbot demon in a jazzercise outfit using the soul of his dead wife. He probably stuck his floppy disk in her from time to time, and spewing his load into this sentient machine was the only thing keeping him alive. Why Mr. Benton felt it was necessary to create Synergy is still largely a mystery, though experts (aka Drs. Orifice Jones and Hakuna Matitties) have posited that he was in cahoots with the Lord of Eyeballs, or perhaps other nefarious beings from the underworld. His final plans for Synergy have not yet been revealed to us, but it is possible that the little orphan Starlight girls are actually farmed as an important energy source for Synergy. Only time will tell what will become of Synergy and the Holograms. But Eye remain resolute in my faith that the Lord (of Eyeballs) has something to do with it! Gotta keep them eyes peeled, people!

‘Ello guv’na! We’come to merry ol’ England, where’a the lo’ class lowlies tawk a’ike dis and e’ry one else, lo’ an’ behold is’a noble lawrd! Ain’t dat a piss in the pants? Sorry, excuse us, the ghosts of Cockney accents past are still inhabiting our speaking eyes (what doctors today may call the “vocal chords”) after watching this episode of Jem and the Holgrams which is, once again, set in Britain and (you guessed it) deals with some British title nonsense. Then there’s the shadow plot of Ulysses the fox overcoming the chaos of crazy b*tches, plus a surprise appearance by everyone’s favourite escaped-and-dangerous mental patient, Craig Phillips. Fun for the whole family!

Unlike the rest of the world, which has been moving along the (darkest?) timeline at a pace generally approved by the Lord (of Eyeball)’s judging gaze (and judgy gays), Great Britain is stuck in some sort of 1600s temporal warp. At least it is in the Jemisphere. That’s according to the animated mini documentary “Renaissance Woman,” in which Jem and the Holograms get sucked in to a Britain-based time flux that plays out like a combination of Robin Hood and The Man in the Iron Mask. Not a bad concept but, unfortunately, we also get a heavy dose of Danse. And, as we all know, that not-so-silent-but-hella-evil “s” denotes that we are not talking about the art form that is “dance” bur rather the mop-topped drama queen who has appropriated the term. There’s really not much to say about Danse (or, rather, we don’t want to say anything about her. Speak her name too many times aloud and her multicoloured hair will strangle you in your sleep) or the ridiculousness of this episode. We do learn that Jem would be a low-level sword-wielder in a bad RPG, so that’s fun. Also fun? Our hilarious banter which you know this episode, as always, is chock full of. (*Hears grumbling, factual response from beyond the fourth wall*) Wait, Jem isn’t an animated episodic documentary??

Ahh, Dungeons and Dragons: the game that unites nerds from far and wide to come together, drape themselves in cloaks, gather their weapons and spell books, and assume the identities of people way cooler than they are. ‘Tis a game I know nothing about (obviously this is Hakuna Mattitites speaking here), and that likely will never change. This week we are ripping into the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon that first aired in 1983. The episode we watched is the fifth episode of season two entitled “Day of the Dungeon Master.” If you are thinking that the episode is about a day in the life of a leather daddy in a gimp suit and his sex slaves in their dingy underground sex dungeon, you are sadly mistaken. The show itself is actually about a magical, tiny gargoyle of a man (Dungeon Master) who is a guide and mentor to a group of children who are trying to find their way home in some alternate plane of reality. In this episode, one of the children, Eric, decides to give DM ALL of his sass and basically questions his knowledge and powers. Dungeon Master, who is a billion years old and probably has never gone on vacation, is like yeah, okay, take my powers you little bitch and see what you manage with them. In a very predictable turn of events, Eric is not a good Dungeon Master but it’s all about the friends he met along the way or something. Either way, this show is a lot better than Jem, so if you feel compelled to watch a show from thirty years ago that was made for children for whatever reason, we recommend!

So, imagine a cabal of greedy white people setting off to Indigenous territories that they know nothing about in order to unearth rich stores of profitable natural resources and make BILLIONS in the process? Yeah, you don’t really need to imagine that because it happens all the time, and it happens in this week’s (uncharacteristically relevant) episode of Jem and the Holograms. No-eyeball-having Ba Nee apparently has enough eyesight to have a pen pal in Alaska named Utu, who tells Ba Nee that her brother wants to sell the particular swath of the Alaskan tundra her family owns to money grubbing capitalists from the Mainland. Ba Nee learns that those greedy bastards (who—to no one’s surprise--are later revealed to be Eric Raymond, Pizzazz, and Mr. Gabor) want to dig for oil, which will cause all the seals to die. In a rare act of lenience and humanity, Jem temporarily relieves Ba Nee from her child-labouring duties in Cali so that the orphan gal and the Holograms can head to Alaska to live out Jem’s white saviour fantasy. Oh, and the band also has a tour in the region (???) but we never actually see that go down. In some ways, this episode could be perceived as “woke,” but in true Jemly fashion, the portrayal of Indigenous people is fairly problematic. In particular, the way that Utu’s brother is painted as some sort of race traitor for the fact that he wants to sell their ancestral land so that his family can have some sort of social mobility, is kind of fucked up. All these white rich girls from California roll through and try to tell him that there’s more to life than money, all the while knowing nothing of this person’s life. Obvi we Jem Girls are generally not pro-pipeline (official stance?) but this issue does have SOME nuance. LOL Jem and the Holograms and nuance? Girl, where?

We’re back on the Jem-train people, both literally and figuratively, because, as you can probably guess from the title of this episode, we’re jumping on the midnight train to Trainsville, USA. Except we’re not literally jumping on any trains and Trainsville, USA (population: trains) doesn’t exist so it’s all figurative. But, whatever. Trains, people, get with it and get on board. Truthfully, we would recommend getting on the train AFTER the “Rock ’n Roll Express,” unless you want to be subjected to orphan labour, date-raping criminals and culturally appropriative outfits. Yes, all this is on (train) track for you if you climb aboard this Jem and the Holograms locomotive. Sorry, Jamie Lee, but there’s a new “Terror Train” in town. So why even choo-choo-choose this episode of Jem Girls? Because all that hilarious, nonsensical and pretty problematic hijinx is whast we live for. And live off of, both Hakuna and Orifice being poorly-plotted-cartoon-vampires, if you didn’t know already. But a meal for us is entertainment for you! We think?

Well, slap my cheeks and call me a lawn chair, we’re celebrating ‘merica! Not actually, because the folks “down south,” as we call them here in the frigid arctic tundra devoid of life and culture that is Canada*, are pretty problematic. Sorry not sorry but any country that needs to keep its pants on with a “bible belt” doesn’t have their priorities straight. But, of course, as North Dakota natives, Jem and the Holograms love their American culture and history. Especially the parts that gloss over racial injustices and socio-economic inequalities and stick to appropriated symbols/moments in history that (apparently) showcase American excellence. Why bother focus on all that icky stuff when you’re in a position of power in society, right?? Ok, rant over. In this episode, Jem and the Holograms go to Washington then proceed to get caught up in some presidential-level drama. There are also a lot of fireworks and bald eagles because, as we know, that’s what the U.S.A. basically is, a melting pot of pyrotechnics and surprisingly stupid avians. So what’s the “dilemma,” you ask? The fact that you’re not listening to the Jem Girls right now! *An American perception of Canada, of course

Oh, the end of May, the perfect time… to get spooky! Ok, not really, because we all know it’s only fun to be scared (reference!) in October. We have to justify a Halloween episode in the middle of spring somehow, though, so please just bear with us. You probably have some practice with that if you’re reading this at all. Unfortunately, while this episode of Jem and the Holograms has some truly spook-tacular fashion, we never really get an answer to the question: Trick or Techrat? Is is a choice, as in, do I need to choose between a “trick” or a Techrat? Perhaps the title is merely pointing to the exchangeable nature of the two, since a Techrat is merely a trick. And are we talking about a “trick” you pick up off the street corner or something of the magic variety? Truly, a mine of philosophical discussions are to be had, but that’s a different podcast entirely. We hear at Jem Girls are content to talk nonsense and point out how animated orphans are generally the worst. And, as you can imagine, we stay true to form this week!

Don’t turn that dial, because you’re listening to KJIZ FM, the hottest station on the airwaves bringing you Jem Girls realness every 69 minutes. Alright, so maybe you would turn that dial if you heard that hot nonsense on the radio. We really wouldn’t blame you. At least our fictional radio station is edgier (semen is right there in the name, come on) than Jem and the Hologram’s who, you guessed it, decide to save a failing radio station because “it’s the right thing to do.” We’d leave it at that and say that’s the plot of this episode (which it is) but we’re also fairly certain that “KJEM” is actually happening within a university/college life movie. Evidence includes: An evil corporate-type fixated on destroying a small community business, a group of scrappy co-ed underdogs banding together to take on the villain, and a “joker” character wearing shades who is definitely a 40-year-old posing as a college student. Not that any of that really matters! As per usual, come for the ridiculous statements and stay for the stream-of-consciousness rambling!

ThunderCats, hooooo! Hey, who you calling a hoe? Just kidding, we’re all sexual deviants here, especially the humanoid cat-creature bondage leather daddies that populate Thundera. Or, technically, “Third Earth.” Way better than Second Earth, by the way. Don’t even get us started on First Earth. Anyway, as we often do, we’re veering off the Jemtrail this week to unpack a cartoon that undoubtedly birthed a generation of furries and BDSM enthusiasts: ThunderCats. We’re fairly certain this series is a prequel to 2019’s much-maligned GFX gong-show Cats (yes, the movie, not the play) set before all of the felines went full jellicle. We wish they kept all of the straps and belly-bearing unitards but, hey, can’t have it all. Ignoring anything like “narrative context” or “plot,” not exactly a strong suit for ThunderCats, we’re diving head-first into an episode of the series that is heavy on the Snarf. And if you know anything about ThunderCats, then you know Snarf is categorically the worst and is the concept of “annoying” made flesh. So it’s gonna be a good time! Is it “Tower of Omens” or “Sword of Moments”? What’s the connection between cats and bats? Are Snarfs the only species that deserve to be enslaved? All of these questions (not really) answered and more in the Jem Girls first foray into ThunderCats!

Wow, here we are, the rising of the eyeball sun. May it’s stellar gaze never set. Ocular solar objects aside, this is a momentous occasion for us here at Jem Girls because we are officially discussing our FAVOURITE episode of Jem and the Holograms, “Alone Again.” Taking joy out of a young girl’s descent into abusing meethamphetamines and hallucinogenics may sound a little, well, disturbing (and it is!) but, truly, this episode is a low-key masterpiece. A big part of that is the presence of the only competent and truly evil villain we’ve ever seen in the Jemisphere, Bobby Brown, who makes it his mission in life to destroy the lives of adolescent women. He’s probably some sort of hell-spawn feeding off of drug-induced-despair, but that only makes Bobby B all the more interesting. And did we mention there’s a freaking eyeball sun? Perhaps the purest form of the Lord of Eyeballs us mortals will ever witness, so that really seals the deal for us Jem Girls. Better yet, it’s our one year Jemmiversary episode, so happy 365 days of nonsense to us!