Life Changing Principles

Paul Gilbert, a UK Therapist, noticed that when he did CBT as he was trained, that clients were reframing their thoughts, but still adding negative tones or additional comments. When you "do nothing" the brain defaults to calling up old memories and imagining the future. Our brains our tricky like this and produce thoughts and emotions without our consent. So much of our negative self-talk is not our fault. It's just what brains do. It's not our fault, but it is our brain, so it's our responsibility. Gilbert suggests a series of practices that help us get to know our tricky brain and relate to ourselves with compassion We can incorporate practices from Compassion Focused Therapy into our self-coaching skills. Skills include: recognizing the unsettled mind, working with attention, soothing breathing rhythm, creating a safe place, calling up a compassionate image, the compassionate self, and compassion for the critical self.

We know self-compassion can be comforting and nurturing. Self-Compassion can also be fierce. It can lead us to do hard things like set boundaries, meet our needs, and make personal development changes Protecting Self-Compassion breaks call up a time you need to protect your time, energy, or self. Say: This isn't right, I'm not alone in this, I will stand up for myself. Providing Self-Compassion breaks recognize our unmet needs. Say: This is important to me, everyone's needs count including mine, I am committed to meeting my needs as best I can Motivating Self-Compassion breaks encourage us with a vision of what we want rather than negative self-talk. Say: This is what I envision for myself, it's normal to have a learning curve, I'm going to help myself reach my goals.

We use Self-Compassion when we realize we've been unkind to ourselves. There are five surprises when we begin to practice self-compassion 1- We become really honest with ourselves 2- We realize we are human, even average in some ways. 3- We have to admit we are hurting 4- We get strong because compassion isn't just nice, it has a backbone 5- We face the tough stuff rather than turning away from it.

Compassion training affects the brain and body and that's more powerful than we think it is. The brain is neuroplastic, not hardwired. We have mirror neurons & neurons in the heart and gut. Compassion training affects our brain and body in measurable ways. It makes us more resilient, have less inflammation, less reactive amygdala, and less depression. We can train in compassion by imagining extending compassion to people we love, to ourselves, to neutral people, to difficult people, and to everyone. This practice creates changes in the amygdala as well as reducing stress hormones throughout the body.

Sustained compassion is compassion for people who aren't going away any time soon, like our family members. One example is BALM, a recovery program for family members of recovering addicts.  We're going to 28,686 days on average - which means self compassion is in order for when it goes well and when it doesn't. To sustain compassion we need to look at both the short run and the long run. To sustain compassion over the long run, we have to include ourselves in the circle of compassion. Two skills that help are checking in with ourselves and checking in with the situation before we decide what a wise compassionate response would be. As we check in, we can adjust how we respond to people and change up our interactions with our family members.

Are you able to stay calm in the middle of tense situations? Equanimity is the ability to stay calm in the midst of chaos or a difficult situation. Mindfulness can help us stay calm. Simply bringing our attention to the present moment of our breath or our body triggers a cascade of calming responses in the body. We can also stay calm by accepting what is. Practice acceptance by checking in with the inner players that show up in all of us from time to time.  We need both equanimity and compassion. Equanimity keeps compassion from consuming itself and compassion keeps equanimity from turning into indifference.

How do we help others and actually have it be effective? Today's principle is a Buddhist concept called Skillful Means. It's all about doing what actually helps an individual in a given moment or situation. How do we go about developing skillful means? First is the awareness that our help isn't helping. It's a painful realization, but also empowering, because now we can do something about it. Second, is creatively trying novel things, paying close attention to what is actually going on, guessing what might work, and having the courage to give it a go. It will feel awkward at first, but with a little patience to see how it plays out, we will begin to build skillful means.

What is a Compassion Warrior?  In Buddhist thought, a Compassion Warrior is someone who's reached the door of personal enlightenment, then hears the cries of the world, and goes back to stay on earth to relieve suffering. In Buddhist Art, a third eye symbolizes wisdom, elongated ears symbolize deep listening, a foot on the ground symbolizes a readiness to act, and 1,000 arms symbolizes the many ways in which we can relieve suffering The story of Chenrezig helps us let go of our idealistic drive to solve other people's problems and to be willing, instead, to be with people in the messy middle of their lives. Family Leaders are compassion warriors because they often commit to helping their family members for their whole lives. What kind of compassion warrior do you want to be?

How do I Decide when, how, and whom to help? Intention Setting - is a Buddhist practice in Mindfulness. What are you trying to create within yourself that will prepare you to act in the world? What motivates you to help others? When you become familiar with what you want to have happen as a result of your compassion, you can create a statement of intention that you can use to start the day or to focus on in your mindfulness practice.

Compassion is noticing suffering and the desire to relieve it. But what is suffering?  In Buddhist thought there are 4 noble truths.  1. No one can escape the fact that suffering exists for all of us.  2. The way we interact with suffering can create more suffering  3. There is a way to end suffering  4. Let's start practicing.

Compassion happens in the moment. The first step is noticing that we or or others are struggling or suffering.  A moment of compassion comes with the desire to help. If we really want to be helpful in a moment of compassion we need 3 things:  Permission to be Human - realizing that we are not alone in what we are going through. Others suffer like this too. It's part of being human. Equanimity - staying grounded and calm during a tough moment without getting swept away by your own or others thoughts and emotions. Wisdom - being willing to stay in the moment, uncertain of the outcome, letting the process unfold as you listen deeply to yourself and others. lifechangingprinciples.com

We will have 16 episodes about Compassion from the Harvard Divinity school. We are diving into the Buddhist tradition of compassion and suffering, as well as the current research and their theories. Marrying 2500 years of tradition and decades of research, we will walk away with a deeper understanding that we can use to be more compassionate in actions and thoughts. www.lifechangingprinciples.com

Marie Kondo is a Japanese Internet sensation who teaches you to declutter your homes and fold your socks. My favorite part of her method is thanking the things you are about to let go of in your life.  It honors the reasons they came into your life in the first place. Just like we declutter our shirts and shoes, we can declutter our Christmas traditions and expectations Make a list and ask your kids, young or old, which traditions they love on a scale of 1 to 10. Ask which they'd like to help with or take charge of. When it's time to let a tradition go, thank it for its service in your life, honor its story of how it came to be there, and then let it go.

There is a space between stimulus and response. But how can that be? It's like this - there's a stimulus (something you see, hear, smell, or touch) and an automatic response that gets your attention. After that there is a space. The space is in between your autonomic nervous system response and what you choose to do. The automatic body response is useful, because it calls our attention to what's been important in the past. You can make that space bigger by practicing mindfulness, bringing yourself to the present moment. lifechangingprinciples.com

There is a space between stimulus and response. To get to that space, you have to get some distance from your thoughts You also need to be able to reframe or play with your thoughts until you find one that's useful to you. This cognitive reframing has lots of tools. My favorite is the story I'm telling myself. lifechangingprinciples.com

Resilience requires both emotion and active problem solving ways of coping. You can't have one without the other. If you only problem solve and never address the emotional fallout of setbacks, your emotions end up getting stuffed down and build up, only to blow up later If you only soothe your emotions after a setback and never take action to address the problem, you end up avoiding your own life trying to feel better without facing problems head on It's most effective to use some emotion focused skills to feel better and calm yourself right after a setback. Give yourself a little space or time. Then, use your problem solving skills to begin putting effort toward solutions. LifeChangingPrinciples.com

Principle: Social Support bolsters resilience.  We have more social support than we think. The perception of social support is just as important as having social support. Knowing someone has your back is important to resilience. There are 8 different kinds of social support we can give one another. Before you jump in to give social support, check in to see if they actually want it and believe it will be helpful.

You can trust your stress response. It's there to help you.  1. You can trust your stress response because it is pattern matching to prepare you to react in real time.  2. You can trust your stress response because it is just a message interrupting you. That's it's job. Once you've been notified, you get to choose what to do with the information.  3. You can trust your stress response because it automatically turns itself off. You don't have to do anything! Just wait it out for a few minutes.

Breathing is a tool you can use to calm the stress response in your body. There are 3 principles that help us understand how and why breathing helps us respond to stress.  1. Breathing triggers a parasympathetic relaxation response that ripples through your whole body  2. Breathing gives you a sense of calm which not only feels good, but also gives you a sense of control and improves the likelihood that you'll find a solution to whatever just temporarily overwhelmed your ability to cope.  3. Being unable to calm yourself and your nervous system creates long-term health problems. Basically, breathing can give you your brain back.

When we are looking for solutions, 3 principles will help us. 1. No one is coming. Sounds depressing, but it's actually a positive psychology principle. No one is coming, so stop waiting for them and stand up and act. 2. For everything you are complaining about, someone on the planet has found a solution that you are just not willing to implement. It's not them. It's your willingness to do what it takes. 3. Your first solution isn't going to work. All 3 of these principles prompt you to act in small ways and then iterate and continue to act, which is the one sure way to find your solution