Life in Relationship

with guest Heather Ruesch Focus: We grow best not in meeting with God occasionally or even regularly, but in God’s presence in our life always.   When was a moment you had the sense of the presence of God’s Spirit?   God invites us to know His Spirit. Psalm 139:7 What places in your life do you find it’s easy to forget that God is present with you?   God invites us to know His faces, to connect with every part of His character. Psalm 139:7 What kinds of things do you think leave people feeling like they have limited access to God?   God invites us to know eternity. Psalm 139: 8 What phases or points in our development in this life do you notice give us a special opportunity to lean in and grow closer to God in relationship?   Find Heather here: http://www.heatherruesch.com/ Find all the Always Growing segments on lifespan development and Psalm 139 here: https://heidigoehmann.com/blog

Question: What can nature teach us about boundaries?   Research around boundaries in nature and psychology Info + application Phase of research at present Pleasing and purpose (the symphony of nature)   Order and chaos in the natural world  With human interaction Without human interaction Examples of order and chaos in nature   What is our relationship with nature? Consider the seasons The impact and awareness of comfort DBT wise mind skill Ease v. easy   God’s relationship with the Natural World Song of Songs, Ecclesiastes, Job The natural world as container with boundaries  

Question: We know kids need outside time; but does nature benefit children’s mental health?  Tip 1 - environment matters  Consider your space for work or learning Note your time needs in nature or working, etc - aka how does the environment around you change or impact your mindset individually Note the differing energies of different environments   Tip 2 - spark creativity in Creation Kids as creatures of creativity Nature’s boundaries but also freedom Nature teaches so we don’t have to or teaches in a softer way at times The value of options and even a bit of chaos   Tip 3 - try a forest walk with your kids or your inner child Find a forest therapy guide: https://anft.earth/listings/ Tip 4 - Research around concentration or mind functioning and the natural world Concentration - better academics,  Attention span,self control, executive function areas nurtured without evaluation (balm for busy brain = attention restoration theory) Cooperation - stewardship mindset + relational and respect skills  Increased creativity - artistic and problem solving mindset  Growth mindset in challenges - resilient mindset  Mood booster + meaning booster  References:  https://www.acamh.org/blog/exploring-the-role-of-nature-in-childhood-development-and-mental-health/#:~:text=In%20this%20blog%20post%2C%20we%20dive%20into,serve%20as%20a%20catalyst%20for%20healthy%20growth.   https://www.apa.org/monitor/2020/04/nurtured-nature   https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10970260/  

Question: How do I start healing from Spiritual Trauma?   1 - recognize both Big T & Little t trauma  2 - the Body does keep the score The nervous system activation and return to baseline The impact of energy and recovery The place of awareness in healing Somatic therapy treatment for trauma The mystery of nature and healing the body Time elements of trauma healing Trauma and “marks of significance” 3 - what are aces and protective factors Nature and trauma handouts from Children and Nature Network: https://eadn-wc04-796033.nxedge.io/wp-content/uploads/C_NN_CFP_pathway_22-4-6.pdf https://eadn-wc04-796033.nxedge.io/wp-content/uploads/C_NN_CFP_pathway_22-4-6.pdf 4 - spiritual trauma and rest in nature Nature as God’s arms around us, holding us   More at: heidigoehmann.com Substack: https://substack.com/@heidigoehmann Instagram: instagram.com/heidigoehmann  

Question: What skills can nature teach us about life transition and change? Transitions come with stress  Attending to the transition, noticing the energy and tasks required Various emotions of transition Nature as an intentional place to "escape" to    Tip #1 - any time in nature is valuable   Tip #2 - nature reminds us every thing happens in its time  notice the transitions in nature itself to validate your own Widen the lens - notice the steady cycle around the changes all around us allow the time of a transition, nature allows the slowness of transitions Job and Song of Songs   Tip # 3 - Look to Nature for Comfort  Nature as therapist Build a trustworthy relationship with nature (and with God) Release of control  Learning by experiencing and presence instead of cognition   Tip #4 - Take a Mindfulness Break Unconscious and conscious integrating for growing awareness Scripture examples in Song of Songs and Job Colorado State U transition handout - https://extension.colostate.edu/docs/pubs/consumer/10214.pdf   Tip #5 - Reflect and Let God Tend to You   Resources -  Life is in the Transitions book - https://a.co/d/8LB7Lha Links to research https://silvotherapy.co.uk/articles/mental-wellbeing-nature-connection https://health.ucdavis.edu/blog/cultivating-health/3-ways-getting-outside-into-nature-helps-improve-your-health/2023/05#:~:text=1.,answers%20you%20were%20looking%20for. https://www.johnmuirtrust.org/resources/788-wild-and-well-nature-connection-wellbeing-and-meaning-in-life https://www.nature.com/articles/nphys898#:~:text=The%20most%20familiar%20examples%20of,melting%20on%20a%20warm%20hand.  

Question: How does nature help with regulation and balance?   Dave’s forest therapy training - https://anft.earth/   Emotion Regulation tip #1 - let things be complicated Science and mystery Concrete concepts around ourselves and our bodies as well as spiritual or less concrete concepts around ourselves   Emotion Regulation tip  #2 - we regulate when we provide a space For each other (co-regulation) For ourselves (self-regulation) We are a part of nature and regulate within nature. We are constantly in a process of shedding and restoring. God designed us with internal and externally connected regulation methods.   Emotion Regulation tip #3 - getting out of our own way of regulating How do we accidentally get in the way of regulating naturally? Origins of forest therapy with the advent of tech/media Benefits of the natural world on our cardiovascular system   Emotion Regulation tip #4 -find the blue spaces and the green spaces 3 specific outlined mechanisms for emotion regulation in nature:  foster positive emotions Signals parasympathetic nervous system or rest/wellbeing state  connection and care of nature as respite, rebuilds energy   Emotion Regulation tip #5 - practice grounding Finding a sense in our body that we have a firm foundation, tethered to the ground or our seat Often feel “ungrounded” in chaotic world and holding 3-5 emotions at any given time Increasing vagal tone Links: ANFT website - https://anft.earth/ Enoch story (Genesis 5)  Noah Kahan, Stick Season - https://youtu.be/iWG6apzIWAk?si=EBS0Ll7biACsxNob Inside Out - https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2096673/ Job 38-42   Research: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_trees_can_make_you_happier#:~:text=Those%20who%20gazed%20at%20a,break%20from%20our%20frenzied%20lifestyles. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0272494424000987#:~:text=In%20everyday%20life%2C%20people%20are,et%20al.%2C%202019).

Question: How do I let go of things I can’t control?   A Dave and Heidi story: the cynical season or “life on the edge” and our first forest therapy attempt Learning to let go of the outcome   Letting Go Tip #1 - Find a practice of noticing what we don’t control or can’t control Example: stand in the woods or the yard and note the basic elements of nature around you that you can’t control   Letting Go Tip #2 - Read Job chapters 38-42 The duality of meaningfulness and meaninglessness The duality of Challenge and acceptance “Job’s in scripture because his life was hard, not because he was doing really well at it.”  When it feels like God is jacking around with you, building the trust    Letting Go Tip #3 - Finding non-judgment in nature and God Nature can hold and contain our challenges Psalm 51 - here’s my heart, insight in truth and love Notice what confusion is present and bring it to God   Letting Go Tip #4 - Note the cost of control Top three psychological impacts of tightly holding onto control - Stress and anxiety Relationship impact Challenges with resilience based on adaptability   Letting Go Tip #4 - Try out an Ecclesiastical Mindset Seasonal approach to living What is it “a time for” right now, but also letting a new season come Ecclesiastes 3 link: https://www.bible.com/bible/111/ECC.3.1-11.NIV Open your hands to share it, don’t go it alone

Welcome to Season 7 of our little podcast! Dave and I are looking forward to a season of talking about three of our very favorite things comingled...well, four really - life in relationships, mental health, the natural world, and spirituality.  Some topics and questions you'll find in the conversation this season include:  How does nature help with emotion regulation? How do I let go of things I can’t control?  What skills can nature teach us about life transition and change? How do I start healing from Spiritual Trauma? And more... Look for 7 episodes wherever you get your podcasts. Look for articles and more resources at heidigoehmann.com to complement what you hear. Find Heidi and Dave (mostly Heidi) on instagram - https://www.instagram.com/heidigoehmann/ substack - https://substack.com/@heidigoehmann youtube - https://www.youtube.com/heidigoehmannwrites and other media outlets. See you soon! Relationships - always worth the effort. We can't wait to be in discussion with you in the coming weeks. 

Special guest Chris Kennedy, Pastor and Author Chris’s book, Grace Under Pressure - https://amzn.to/3FBrdU2 (associate link)   Proactive v reactive approach Proactive = investing in taking care of ourselves, our emotions, our whole selves to be able to live in the moment more authentically as ourselves and in what we value/believe Reactive = awareness of emotion when it comes up   Tip 1 - Attend to and nurture The environment Relationships Internal needs Growth mindset – realist outlook + everything is redeemable   Tip 2 – Hold the tension of love with your frustration or anger   Tip 3 – Remember “more than they deserve” Tip 4 – Non-judgment – grace and truth with the understanding that God is judge, not me Tip 5 – Notice other people Tip 6 – values and faith as driver, emotion as information to process Shame Tip 7 – careful of pouring yourself out to the last drop, we are human   The impact of shame and guilt on our internal processing of anger “Holding It Lightly” from dialectical behavior therapy The purpose of frustration and anger  

How do I find more happiness? Happiness is a momentary emotion, as all emotions are, time oriented, even as a mood   Tip 1 - Look for happy moments, not a vague ongoing experience   Defining – emotion related to joy, gladness, satisfaction, or wellbeing Related to confidence or satisfaction with a moment, a person, a situation   Tip 2 – avoid all or nothing thinking Allow and acknowledge several emotions in your system at one time Value all the emotions   Tip 3 – We’re ok v. Yay! Positive psych and researching the experience of happiness Hedonia and eudaimonia – pleasure v meaning Markers of happiness = relationships, purpose, meaning/gratitude/mindfulness, physical health   Tip 4 – Don’t force it   Tip 5 – Know your values to find your eudaimonia happiness Purpose and pleasure, skill and fulfillment DBT values word list available to subscribers at heidigoehmann.com in December     Research: https://positivepsychology.com/predictors-of-happiness/ Waterman, A. S. (2013). Eudaimonia: Contrasting two conceptions of happiness: Hedonia and eudaimonia. In J. J. Froh & A. C. Parks (Eds.), Activities for teaching positive psychology: A guide for instructors (pp. 29–34). American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/14042-005 Huta, V., Waterman, A.S. Eudaimonia and Its Distinction from Hedonia: Developing a Classification and Terminology for Understanding Conceptual and Operational Definitions. J Happiness Stud 15, 1425–1456 (2014). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-013-9485-0

How do I tell the difference between my anxiety and my child’s?   Attachment relationships are more connected for regulation The value of presence The detriment of sponging emotion   Tip #1 – adults can bring the emotions to consciousness for kids Notice and name the emotion in the room Also helps us differentiate between my emotion and someone else   Tip #2 – go out into nature/Creation to release some emotion Link to forest therapy info: https://www.natureandforesttherapy.earth/   Tip #3 – know your own “stuff” (triggers, concerns, traumas)   Tip #4 – do not assume an emotion, ask about an emotion   Tip #5 – Be aware of triggers with no shame Practice accountability with kindness “I am uncomfortable. I want to hear what you have to say. I want to know what’s going on with you. The way it’s coming out is challenging for me.”   Tip #6 – hold the duality of parental responsibility with deep parental love and connection Common questions: will they be ok? Will I mess them up? What am I missing? Give yourself space to learn and grow Try to help kids be unburdened by adult problems   Tip # 7 – Maintain your connection with God Pouring out your emotions with God Resting with God Rhythms of prayer as emotionally regulating Hear God speaking to your emotions as a Gospel-oriented, invitation-to-relationship God

How do I help my loved one when they are sad?   Differences in sadness and sorrow definition relationship to distress and emotion regulation   Elevated, heavy feelings – sadness, guilt, remorse/regret, powerlessness -       Time oriented, long suffering, pain taking time -       Death, change, trauma, heartbreak, injustice, loss, disappointment, bad luck, trouble   Consider the moments when someone becomes aware of something challenging No fixing acknowledgement goes a long way let these emotions be a process let people’s emotions, including our own be complicated and layered let it be seen by God with someone invite that person into regular life things    2 Corinthians 1:3-4, God of all comforts, God of all, but especially of comfort Psalm 18:6-8, God’s anger at what makes us sad or hurt     Resources: https://heidigoehmann.com/articles/sorrow-an-acknowledgment https://heidigoehmann.com/articles/honoring-our-sorrow-sadness-amp-tears-a-scripture-list-for-lent https://www.kfuo.org/2020/01/20/coffee-hour-012020-no-shame-in-sadness/

Listener question: How do I have a conversation with someone I disagree with when I feel passionately about something?   Annoyed, accosted, attacked, or acknowledgment – honoring people’s passions while setting our own boundaries   Tip 1 – root around your belief systems and consider how it impacts people   Tip 2 – use words to state our emotions as well as our thoughts   Define Zeal -       great energy or enthusiasm for a cause of goal (google) -       eagerness and ardent interest in something (webster) -       fervor, determination, combined with kindness equalling great devotion (urban dictionary) -       related to passion that is hard to govern   Tip 3 - What is the love within this? What is the fear within this? -        Tip 4 – reserve zeal for injustice to give power to the marginalized Tip 5 – hate doesn’t help -       Ted Lasso – Be curious, not judgmental     Tip 6 – You can have boundaries Opt out of conversations – place for avoidance and distraction, change of focus Opt of relationships – what relationships in our life hold zeal in health and which are overwhelming Boundaries with your own emotions   Resources: Atlas of the Heart - https://amzn.to/46uBrRD Subsribe to heidigoehmann.com for more.

Listener question: How do I have both empathy and boundaries? Article on empathy and boundaries at heidigoehmann.com - https://heidigoehmann.com/articles/the-savior-complex-empathy-without-boundaries  The difference between “hey, hold my emotions” and “withness” Cognitive empathy: Do they need us to see their perspective? Listen and ask questions about what they are thinking and how they see the world and their current experience.  Emotional empathy: Do they need us to see their feelings? Listen and ask questions that help them name their emotions and give a space to honor them without judgment.  Boundary #1 – self-differentiation Boundary #2 – no drama making, honor the degrees of separation Boundary #3 - know your lens: perspective, bias, and assumptions Boundary #4 – empathy doesn’t fix people Boundary #5 – know your bandwidth  Boundary #6 – be yourself in your kind and compassionate clothing Boundary #7 – recognize all of our capacity for suffering   Mental Health Tool - Gut check practice Series on empathy at heidigoehmann.com - https://heidigoehmann.com/articles/igniting-empathy-inside-of-me https://heidigoehmann.com/articles/how-do-we-talk-with-empathy https://heidigoehmann.com/articles/bringing-empathy-to-social-media

How do I get more pleasure in my life and relationships? Getting past the word pleasure - Culture and church cringy word, kind of awkward, vaguely sexual  Pleasure definition = enjoyment, satisfaction 1 - Look for pleasure to be relationship focused 2 - ask deeper questions about pleasure 3 - pleasure in balance with other emotions 4 - noticing skills   3 stages of pleasure: Wanting – expectation/anticipation, pursuit/drive Liking – sensation experience of pleasure, hedonistic hotspots in the brain Learning – brain updating information, making future predictions; brain begins linking neurotransmitters that were harder to link before     Resources: Altogether Beautiful video on expanding our understanding of pleasure 45 sec Preview: https://youtu.be/902FvFLwbA0?si=P8irRsjz0AH2ZQXj https://vimeo.com/ondemand/altogetherbeautiful/260826340 https://www.apa.org/science/about/psa/2004/11/berridge https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-cultures/202107/the-new-neuroscience-pleasure

Welcome back! The Life in Relationship Podcast answers one relationship question in each episode. We are looking forward to sharing Season 6 with you. This season we are answering relationship questions all about Emotions to celebrate Heidi's book release of Emotions & the Gospel: Created for Connection. Emotions covered include: pleasure, anxiety, happiness, sadness & sorrow, frustration, zeal, and empathy. Join us for episodes dropping in September. Submit your relationship questions at lifeinrelationshippodcast@gmail.com. See you soon!

Topic: Topic: How do you break up well?How do I know it’s healthy to start dating again after a divorce or breakup?   The weightiness of breakups Reminding us of our need as humans for intimacy There are ways to do break ups “better”, but no way to do it “easy”   Keep it classy, kind, and clear Break ups are in a moment, but the work of a break up is long term face to face universally preferred in the research What do you need and what needs healing? Find your support people Consider the impact on relationships beyond yourself   Allow for emotions Give opportunity to process for yourself and your break up partner let complex emotions be there, just listen and then move forward Own what needs to be owned, don’t own what isn’t yours Dave’s wisdom = “It’s not you, it’s us.” space before friendship Happier music video: https://youtu.be/m7Bc3pLyij0   Give yourself time and space for the grief Set needed boundaries Homeostasis, getting to normalcy and comfort Pay attention to your internal dialogue and engage in healthy and aware self-talk A good time to engage in your spiritual life for foundation safety/comfort Space in communication disenfranchised grief and awareness of the stages of grief markers for “moving on”   Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0338013/ Necessary Endings: https://amzn.to/3PD8Q4Q Short answer: Keep it classy and give yourself time.    

How do partners take care of each other when they have a baby?   1 – Learn together, about baby and each other What are your unique challenges?   Gender role complications Awareness of shifts and changes with each baby Embrace flexible curiosity Make space and room for letting the baggage come out     2 – hold the good and bad together for and with another Acknowledge the impossibility of the unpredictable nature of parenting   Some common anxieties: Exhaustion Anxiety about infant or just life Changes in other relationships (boundaries with others) What support is available Physical touch and sensory overload Uncertainty of needs – other and within self Communicating about something so new Losing who I am outside of parenting     3 – Notice where your partner needs and respond to each other with grace Hormone changes and adjustment for both partners sleep deprivation messes with you validate and offer small touches to ground partner notice mess and mindfully notice joy Caring for each other outside of motherhood and fatherhood Caring for each other by splitting duties household chores episode – https://ilovemyshepherd.libsyn.com/household-chores   4– help one another remember yourselves outside of parenting remember it’s a season go out and make nice moments happen when you stay in get to know baby and let baby get to know you - acclimate to baby, but also let baby acclimate to you     Resources: Gottman Bringing Up Baby course -  https://www.gottman.com/blog/bringing-baby-home-the-research/ And Baby Makes Three - https://amzn.to/3B79iBj (affiliate link)     Short answer: Plan for the unplannable and watch yourself grow.

Topic: Where do I turn if I’m wrestling with my faith?   Intro: special guest Tanner Olson, Written to Speak, the poetry master   Wrestling can be scary, but healthy Can feel like a journey, a battle, a dessert, normalcy, mediocrity Common Questions: Is God still who He says He is? Is God still close to me? Validating your questions and feelings goes a long way in making wrestling feel safer Keep talking to God – step toward relationship and revelation, getting to know God rather than always answering the whys     Wrestling can bring growth and depth of faith Find people you can talk to about the questions and wrestlings Making peace with wrestling as part of the faith process Research studies reveal wrestling as a widely experienced phenomenon: Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion - https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2839364/ Barna - https://www.barna.com/research/two-thirds-christians-face-doubt/ Study of Islam - https://yaqeeninstitute.org/read/paper/what-causes-muslims-to-doubt-islam-a-quantitative-analysis (Yaqeen Instititute for Islamic Research) Predominate themes in wrestling: moral and social concerns, philosophical and scientific concerns, personal trauma There is nothing wrong with you and sometimes it’s hard to see we are loved, forgiven, free, etc.   Everyone’s relationship with God looks different We can rest in what we do know – “I know how this story ends” Faith looks different in different seasons of life Value of silence and stillness (Walk a Little Slower: pg. 104) Wrestling in the daily walk (Walk a Little Slower: pg. 52) Sometimes we think, sometimes we are invited to just be, sometimes we wait What to look for in wrestling companions Tanner wisdom: “Let the cheesy things still be true.”       Resources: writtentospeak.com Tanner’s books - Walk a Little Slower - https://amzn.to/3IPETu7 As You Go - https://amzn.to/3IMa49A I’m All Over the Place - https://amzn.to/3KYc0h1 Short Answer: Let yourself be curious and let the cheesy things be true.

Topic: How do I talk to someone I love who is struggling with their mental health? Intro: Changing stigma towards mental health Step 1 - changing our beliefs Step 2 - changing our actions related to beliefs 2019 APA survey: https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2019/05/mental-health-survey   What is my relationship with this person? (4:30) Relationship = vulnerability + boundaries Where are they at? Consider the person’s willingness to have the conversation Can they see the concerns or are they mostly unaware? Use the phrase – “I’ve noticed” or “Have you noticed…” Start with culturally normative symptoms or what might be easiest from them to hear Shift our own understanding about mental health as part of everyone’s everyday life   Get some info for yourself Nami - https://nami.org/Support-Education and Mental Health First Aid and Fresh Hope groups recognize our own anxieties about mental health Mental Health First Aid: https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/take-a-course/find-a-course/ Determining a crisis v. non-crisis situation QPR training for suicide prevention: https://qprinstitute.com/individual-training Concerns about suicide: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/   Consider your language and your relationship with your own mental health (18:00) Do not make assumptions Ask lots of questions Use a tone of respect People are more responsive when we are willing to deal with our own stuff Be authentic in our own struggles The struggle isn’t usually the same intensity forever   Have some resources ready and check back in (23:30) Hotline resources - https://www.rainn.org/ https://www.crisistextline.org/text-us/ https://www.thehotline.org/ for family and relationship violence 211 – basic resources local to you look up some local therapists therapist search on Heidi’s website: https://heidigoehmann.com/connect Combat veteran resources and info around trauma Normalizing combat trauma - https://www.ptsd.va.gov/understand/common/common_veterans.asp Find an EMDR therapist - https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/ Get your own therapy if they are resistant (or if they aren’t) books – Maybe You Should Talk to Someone - https://amzn.to/3EXYkhV Maybe You Should Talk to Someone Workbook - https://amzn.to/3HPMpEL             Soul of Shame - https://amzn.to/3pViWTK       Daring Greatly - https://amzn.to/3zwOpPw Fresh Hope Workbook - https://amzn.to/3faK0YV Fresh Hope website - https://freshhope.us/ Loving Someone Series – PTSD - https://amzn.to/34oRh5s Bipolar - https://amzn.to/3zsYEnK ADHD - https://amzn.to/3mYkmuY   Don’t forget boundaries for yourself with compassion   Mental health page at heidigoehmann.com - https://heidigoehmann.com/mental-health-1 Relationship page at heidigoehmann.com - https://heidigoehmann.com/relationships     Short Answer: There is no perfect way to have the conversation - start somewhere, with a resource and a single awkward conversation.