Love Over Addiction

Change is necessary if we want to move forward. Some of us enjoy changing, and others will avoid making the changes we know we need to because we're scared (I am raising my own hand). Change is uncomfortable, and staying stuck in our misery sometimes feels easier - even though it's not always what's best. https://michelleanderson.substack.com/

When I was married to a good man who suffered from addiction, I was terrified of leaving him. I thought about leaving all the time; I think part of me always knew, we would end up in divorce, but the idea of actually leaving paralyzed me with fear. There were times I was so upset I would try to will myself to leave, but for many reasons, I was always unable to walk away from a very unhealthy relationship. I thought, “Am I stuck in this marriage forever? Do I really have the courage to take my kids and leave?” https://michelleanderson.substack.com/

When our loved ones who struggle with addiction choose to go to rehab or get help, it can bring up all sorts of feelings. We might feel hopeful that maybe THIS time, they will get sober for good. We might feel scared that maybe this won’t work and will be a huge disappointment. We might feel resentful that they are being cared for and looked after while we are left at home working overtime to make up for their absence. But one of the biggest worries I hear often is concerning trust. How can we ever trust them again? https://michelleanderson.substack.com/

If you’re familiar with the world of addiction or codependency, you’ve probably heard the word “detach”. But, like many “self-help” words, it can be very hard to understand exactly what detaching means, let alone how actually to detach. Does it mean you need to leave your partner who is suffering from addiction? Is there something cruel or manipulative about detaching? So many of us feel like we’re being disloyal if we choose to remove ourselves from our relationships emotionally. https://michelleanderson.substack.com/

One of the core beliefs we have at Love Over Addiction is that addiction is a third party in our relationships. We view addiction as a separate entity from our loved ones. This helps us with forgiveness and to process why we love someone who can be so cruel and self-destructive. When they start being rude, nasty, or mean, that’s the addiction trying to bait us. Addiction craves conflict and control. We don’t need to stand there and take it - but we also don’t need to take the bait. Instead, we can remove ourselves from the situation. https://michelleanderson.substack.com/

Having good, healthy boundaries in place versus poor, unrealistic boundaries can make all the difference in our personal, spiritual, and physical lives. Having boundaries is important (especially when loving someone suffering from addiction), but boundaries can be confusing. What is a good boundary, some of us might be wondering? https://michelleanderson.substack.com/

The word surrender is used a lot in the world of addiction. One of the things that always bothered me was that I was constantly being told that I needed to “let go and surrender,” but I never really understood how. The word surrender to me means letting go of my emotional investment in a certain outcome. Surrender doesn't mean we stop loving or caring. Another way of looking at how to “let go” is to think about the opposite of surrendering. What’s the opposite of surrendering? Controlling. https://michelleanderson.substack.com/

Do you ever wonder: "Why do I keep going back to someone who hurts me so much?" There are many reasons we stay, but today, I’m going to be vulnerable and share with you why I deeply loved a man who clearly didn’t love me or himself enough to get sober. https://michelleanderson.substack.com/

Your loved one might seem put together on the outside. Most men and women who drink too much or suffer from substance abuse disorder hold good jobs and earn a good living. Most of the time, they can help take care of the kids and household duties. And because they are so high-functioning, it can leave you feeling nervous about sharing with friends and family just how bad things have become. In this episode, we explore three of the reasons why we don't talk about addiction and our loved one.  https://michelleanderson.substack.com/

It's almost time for Valentine's Day and Super Bowl Sunday (in America). One holiday can leave us feeling disappointed and unloved, wondering, "Why don't they love me enough?" We see the commercials for Valentine's Day with loving couples, chocolates, and flowers, but that's usually not our reality. We live in a different world. A world where love is unreliable. Where love hurts. And when they reach for the drinks, drugs, or whatever else is distracting them from getting healthy, we feel rejected over and over. Because we all might be feeling emotionally exhausted, I've got a quick episode today with a few tips just for you. https://michelleanderson.substack.com/

Let’s be honest, not many people know what to do with our feelings of deep loneliness or constant anxiety when it comes to our relationships. And very well-intentioned people can give some really hurtful advice. Find the full show notes and join in the conversation: https://michelleanderson.substack.com

Being codependent can go hand in hand with loving someone suffering from addiction. Like two magnets attracted to one another, we connect with our partner by a force that feels greater than ourselves. Love has something to do with it, but also, there might be some relationship dynamics at play. Find the full show notes and join in the conversation: https://michelleanderson.substack.com

And addiction happens to really good people. I truly, truly believe that. I always said my ex-husband is one of the most talented human beings I've ever met. He had it all. He was brilliant, kind, funny, charming and good looking. I mean, the guy had it all. And I hear a lot.  I meet a lot of people struggling with addiction, and they are some of the most talented human beings in the whole wide world. But I also believe that addiction can bring out the worst in the ones we love. And I'm going to give you an example. When I talk with my ex-husband, I always try to be polite and respectful during our conversation. Find the full episode and more free resources here: www.loveover.co/podcast/why-its-so-hard-to-love-someone-suffering-from-addiction Join the Love Over Program here: https://www.loveover.co/love-over  

When we love somone suffering from addiction, it can be hard to know if we should throw away their drugs, alcohol, or get rid of their pornography.  We hear this from people in our community all the time. They'll find stashes in the bathroom, bedroom, garage, car, or office. What should you do when you find it?  We'll get into the details of how to handle each item, because their are legal differences between drugs vs. alcohol or porn.  Find all the details here: https://www.loveover.co/podcast/should-we-throw-away-their-substances  

When you love someone suffering from addiction, everything about your relationship is different. Arguemnts can be very challenging to navigate. Today we'll talk about 3 tips to navigate arguments with your partner. And three common mistakes we make (becuase we're human). Remember that you're not alone. There's a whole community of people that are in the same situation you are.  Find all the episode details here: https://www.loveover.co/podcast/common-mistakes-in-an-argument Get 12 Free Tips here: https://www.loveover.co/12-tips Join the Love Over Program here: https://www.loveover.co/love-over

Today, let's dive into something deep—finding our way back to ourselves. You ever look in the mirror and wonder where that old you went? Yeah, it hits hard. Love, especially when it's entangled with addiction, can make us feel lost, lonely, and like we've lost our spark. But here's the thing—I believe we can reclaim ourselves, even in the midst of this chaos. It's all about being honest with ourselves. I want to ask you: What do you really want for yourself in the coming year? And what are you willing to do differently to make it happen? Let's break a common myth too: thinking that everything will magically go back to normal once our loved ones find sobriety. It's a whole new journey for everyone involved. That includes us. We've grown, we've learned, and maybe that's a good thing. Maybe we've developed strengths we never knew we had. So, here's the deal. I want this space to be yours. Share your thoughts, your struggles, your victories in the Love Over Addiction community on Substack. Let's make it a safe, cozy corner where we can lift each other up.

When I was married to a good man who suffered from addiction, I made a list of things I could control vs. things that I needed to let go of because, after a decade of loving him, I was losing myself. My wake-up call came when my friend from college was visiting for a weekend and tenderly said, “Michelle, I don’t even recognize you anymore.” I was a shadow of the woman I once was. Addiction was stealing my husband’s life, and slowly, like a thief in the night, it was creeping into my mind, heart, and soul to grab any self-confidence, self-respect, or self-love I had left. And if I wanted to save myself, I needed to fight addiction head-on. For some of us, this winter season feels like rock bottom, and The Time Has Come! Are you feeling a true sense of urgency? Is there a voice within yourself that wants to be honored and respected?  Are you ready to change the things you can control?  Perhaps you feel that if you don’t take control over your own life, the version of yourself that you actually love will continue to die a slow death and be replaced by a very sick person.  If you need some loving reminders this winter season you can find more here:   Love Over Addiction Newsletter: (MichelleAnderson.substack.com) You’ll receive an essay via email (this is the same content as the podcast, just in written form - if reading is your thing). It’s also a place where you can comment and gain insight from other women in our community. I will be hanging around the comments, too. Subscribe here. Please keep in mind your name will appear if you comment, so please make up a name or use your first name only if you would like to protect your privacy.  Love Over Addiction Instagram: Not going to lie; my sabbatical from social media was lovely, but I think I’ve figured out some boundaries to help it feel slightly more healthy. Let’s give it a try:) Follow me here. My Personal Instagram - Michelle Lisa Anderson: Building a community is still my goal, so I must be willing to share my life on social - even if it terrifies me. If you’re curious about my life, this is where you’ll find it. Follow here. My Facebook Page - Michelle Lisa Anderson: For all you Facebook lovers (hi, Mom!), I see you. I will be posting on the Love Over Addiction page. Follow here Love Over Addiction Facebook Page - I will be posting here, too. Love Over Addiction YouTube: For now, I will post recordings of the Love Over Addiction podcast. In the future, I may get a little more creative. But first things first:) Follow here. It’s a privilege and an honor to write and research for you. Thank you for trusting me. I am really excited about our future and what we will achieve together.

Michelle talks about how difficult the winter holidays can feel when loving someone struggling with addiction, the top five things people like us worry about (and it's not the turkey stuffing) and how we have two choices - quit or double down on the "holiday magic" - both are perfectly acceptable. Plus, some loving advice she would tell her younger self.  If you are looking for community and want to connect in the comments - you can find Michelle and thousands of others on the Love Over Addiction blog here. Love Over Addiction Podcast: A free weekly podcast without sponsors or commercials. Michelle will share experiences, opinions, and resources and maybe interview with some experts or people in our community. Listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or Audible. Love Over Addiction Newsletter: (MichelleAnderson.substack.com) receive an essay via email (this is the same content as the podcast, just in written form - if reading is your thing). It’s also a place where you can comment and gain insight from other women in our community.  Michelle will be hanging around the comments, too. Subscribe here. Please keep in mind your name will appear if you comment, so please make up a name or use your first name only if you would like to protect your privacy. Love Over Addiction Instagram: Michelle says, "Not going to lie; my sabbatical from social media was lovely, but I think I’ve figured out some boundaries to help it feel slightly more healthy.  Let’s give it a try:)" Follow her here. My Personal Instagram - Michelle Lisa Anderson: Building a community is the goal, "so I must be willing to share my life on social  - even if it terrifies me. If you’re curious about my life, this is where you’ll find it." Follow here My Facebook Page - Michelle Lisa Anderson: For all you Facebook lovers (hi, Mom!) Follow here Love Over Addiction Facebook Page - She will be posting here, too. Love Over Addiction YouTube:  Recordings of the Love Over Addiction podcast. Follow here.  

Whether your loved one suffers from addiction or not, having trust in your relationship is essential. Right? Because without it, you'll most likely start to feel frustrated or even stuck. But if you entered this relationship with any trust issues from your past, it's important to make your healing a priority. And you're not going to be able to do that if you're looking to your partner to help you feel better. So, how do you start to build back trust? Is it even possible? Tune in to this week's episode, where I share some tips (and examples) that you can start to apply to your life right now. Find more here:  https://loveoveraddiction.com/trust-yourself/  Join us here: https://loveoveraddiction.com This classic episode previously aired in January 2021.