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Lovers and Friends with Shan Boodram
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Lovers and Friends with Shan Boodram

Author: Lovers and Friends with Shan Boodram

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There is so much great and life-changing information about sex and intimacy, but let’s face it, it can be dry as hell! Intimacy expert and sexologist Shan Boodram takes a deep dive into anything and everything about sex, relationships, and the science of attachment every week with expert guests and friends who will tell all. It’s everything The Talk should be.
76 Episodes
If you’re a podcast listener, you already know that there’s a whole lot of discussions about what people don’t do in relationships, what they need to be doing, and insight on what romantic partners want from others. And I guess it’s all well and good to have standards, but it’s even better to: Be aware of which standards are based on what we actually need to have a quality romantic partnership vs which standards are based on discriminatory, outdated values that hurt others AND our chances at forming healthy partnerships. Be clear about what standards people can hold you to. In short, what exactly are you bringing to the romantic relationship table and furthermore what are you admitting that you won’t be carrying?  In this episode, I am discussing this in a hilarious and honest conversation with the ladies of Cocktales.  We also have THE Matchmaking Duo here to share the secret to finding a compatible long term  partner.  Here is your conversation starter pack:  What are you enthusiastically bringing to a romantic relationship today? What are you interested in getting better at bringing? What do you know you can’t and probably won’t carry? How do you want your romantic partner to respond to you when you’re not meeting their standards? How do you plan to respond when they inevitably, don’t meet all of yours? Which are your deal breakers and where considering your answers to the top questions can you stand to do a lil bending? Thanks to the sponsors of this episode! Ritual:  Visit to start Ritual or add Synbiotic+ to your subscription today and get 10$ off your first 3 months.  HelloFresh:  Go to for 16 free meals plus free shipping!  Follow Shan: Follow the ladies of Cocktales: Follow the Matchmaking Duo: Follow Krizia:
What Is Your Love Story?  Not the one that you’re in per se, but the one that subconsciously, you’ll move mountains or reality, to live inside? Psychologists have identified 26 kinds of stories that people commit to BEFORE committing to their romantic partner so, which one is yours? Our starring guest Raven Ross who you can recall from Netlfix’s reality series, Love is Blind Season 3. She is also a pilates instructor nearly a 2 million followers on social media. Raven went through one of the messiest Tik Tok cheating scandals last year with her ex-fiancee. Now, she’s ready to love out loud again plus wants to share with you how, why, and maybe even who..  A love story is a frame of reference for how you believe love works or should work. Kind of like how your political beliefs describe how you think a group of people should be governed. Now, as I mentioned off the top, in my fav book, the new psychology of love, there are 26 different common stories that people can subscribe to.  Addiction - we have an intense first connection and from then on we need each other and create a dynamic based around the fear of parting ways Audition - you gotta win the part and keep proving you love me and if you forget the lines or go too far off script Art - my partner looks good and they make me look good because I own something beautiful Business - our union is designed to give us more money, power and respect from others Cookbook - love has a recipe and instruction list, if we forget ingredients or steps our love won’t be as good Fantasy - save me, marry me, and happily ever after me.  Game - love is a sport with a winner and a loser or if we’re on the same team there’s still a captain and a bench player Gardening - love is something that has to grow and it takes time, awareness of the environment, plus continuous tending to in order to flourish. For more on this, see my episode where I explain the difference between a fruit and a fruit tree History - in our relationship you are who you were, there’s only past you and future you. Think of it like the difference between “I’ll believe it when I see it” and “let’s just see!” Horror - relationships are scary and the scarier it is, the more real it is Humor - love is a joke, some people get the joke early, some later, but sooner or later everyone gets humbled Mystery - you don’t need to know everything about each other because maintaining the mystery is more important than discovering yourselves through uncovering one another Police - you gotta place rules and boundaries on your partner because people are only as good as you’ll allow them to be Religion - love is in service of the Lord Sacrifice - love is just as much about what you give as what you’re willing to give up to demonstrate devotion to the other Science - love can be studied and explained through scientific theory just like anything else War - love is a power struggle ruled by  The other ones are: recover, science fiction, sewing, theater, travel, war, student-teacher, and a few more. Conversation starter pack What story of love are you currently subscribing to? Which ones are you aspiring to? What narratives are you trying to stay clear of and why? What love story was modeled for you growing up? Thanks to the sponsors of this episode! for 30% off your first delivery and your free veggies. for 10% off for 10% off your first month to download the free app Follow Shan: Follow Raven:
We often talk about how men have an easier life, but I think at this point we can also agree that maintaining the identity of “a real man” is extremely hard. Masculinity is what I would call a wet fish identity - because like catching a fish with your bear hands - It’s hard to do, even harder to hold onto and incredibly easy to lose a grip on. And one of the fastest ways to call your capability of holding onto a wet fish into question, is to add more slick to the situation by crying. It’s one thing for a man to reveal his hurt, pain and insecurities - which you might recall we already discussed in episod 4 of Lovers and Friends, do we really want vulnerable men starring Aba n Preach. So what comes up for us when we see a man cry? And how do we deconstruct those feelings without tearing down the man or his masculinity in the process? These are all questions I wanted to pontificate with, with the man himself, Dominic Gabriel- a personality and mental health advocate best known from his appearances on Netflix's Perfect Match and The Mole. You may also recognize him from his viral Tik Toks OR from his brand new podcast Dom Meets World.  Conversation starter pack from this episode: What is masculinity? Is it something you have? Or something you have to earn and maintain? Is it a turnoff to see a man cry? Is it a turnon? Aren’t both of those responses equally as strange? What’s the healthier alternative? Is crying a useful expression regardless of gender? Should we all attempt to control it because it can be likened to losing your temper? How do we create an environment where people tasked with proving their masculinity, don’t feel like they have to keep up the audition in front of us? Thanks to the sponsors of this episode! Storyworth to save $10 on your first purchase! Blissy Get better sleep now with Blissy and use LOVERS to get an additional 30% off at Better Help for 10%off your first order  Hello Fresh Use code Lovers16 for 16 free meals  Follow Shan: Follow Dom: Follow the guys of ENJOY:
Did you know that every 7 seconds, a man thinks about sex? That's more than 500 times an hour and more than 12,000 times a day… And even though that sounds crazy, I’m sure it sounds familiar because this stat has circulated for decades. Now, myth-buster there is no scientific evidence to back this up, and studies that HAVE been done site that men think about sex an average of 19 times a day with the highest number of the study being around 380 thoughts a day and the lowest being once per day (which of course if you’re told to record how much you think about sex you’re gonna think about sex more and at the very least ONCE to note that your only thought about having sex that day was that you never thought about having sex…  Point being, in a society that’s conditioned us to believe that all day men dream about sex, what do we do when the man we’re with doesn’t want to have sex with us? That’s where we’re going on this episode featuring Drew Love. the lead singer of the popular R&B group THEY who just released their album Nu Moon, which is streaming everywhere now.  Thanks to the sponsors of this episode! Hello Fresh: use code lovers16 for your free meals and free shipping! Dame: Enter code Lovers for 15% off  Lomi: Turn your food waste into dirt with the press of a button with Lomi. Use the code LOVERS to save $50 at Skims: Get free shipping on all orders over $75 Follow Shan: Follow THEY: Follow Drew Love:
In this episode, I want to break down what I know about “knowing” someone is the one, before you know their true character. This isn’t meant to knock anyone who chooses to mate this way, because culturally a lot of us subscribe to the importance of instant attraction even if we don’t think we do - but instead to provide you with some knowledge that I wish I had before letting love at first sight lead me astray. Love at first sight is a global phenomenon - meaning no matter where you go, there it is in different languages, stories and beliefs. In this episode I define what love at first sight is, explain why the brain likes to do it, provide insight into how love at first sight might just be another brand of discrimination, explain how it can be used wisely and also share the dangers of placing a lot of emphasis on how couples met. Thanks to the sponsors of this episode! BLISSY and get an additional 30% off!  BABBEL for up to 55% off your subscription. Babbel—Language for life. HELLO FRESH for 50% off plus free shipping! Follow Shan:
Let’s talk about submission! My fav definition of this comes from Hafeez who simply said to submit is to sub (be underneath) another person’s mission. Now, one of the main purposes of romantic relationships is to be stronger together - a concept we’ve gone into before when we discussed self expansion theory on episode 4 featuring Jeannie Mai. The Self expansion theory states that the best way to expand, together, is to take stock of each other’s strengths, then create a dynamic that aligns with that reality. But what happens when in the end of this audit, you realize that your strengths fall outside of traditional gender roles? And furthermore you realize that the man’s strengths are perfectly suited to aid in the woman’s success? How does it work and furthermore CAN it work when a man realizes his partner’s potential and then makes her mission, his main mission? That’s what we are going to be talking about on this episode featuring Jade Novah and Devin Johnson. Thanks to the sponsors of this episode. Hungryroot Go to Use code LOVERS for 30% off your first order! That’s Don’t forget to use our link, so they know we sent you. Betterhelp Discover your potential with BetterHelp Visit That's for 10% off your first month. Follow Jade: Follow Devin: Follow Shan:
For women in their 30s, 1 in 5 will experience problems conceiving their first child. Deja Riley, our starring guest gives firsthand advice of what it's like to go through over two years of fertility treatments. A grueling experience that's cost her over $20,000 and almost her marriage. In this episode Deja tells all: her experience with IUI, IVF, miscarriage, a chemical pregnancy, eastern medicine, and finally surrender. To keep up with Deja's journey follow her Deja:  @Doseofduality- her podcast Follow our other special guests Krizia: Krystal Thanks so much to the sponsors of this episode.  SKIMS Fits Everybody Collection LOMI Get $50 off your electric countertop composter by visiting  Then using promocode LOVERS RITUAL and Synbiotic+ Get 10% off your first 3 months by visiting  Follow Shan:
In this episode, I sit down with my mom and sister to talk about our sex ed growing up and now as parents ourselves, what we believe is the most important lesson to teach our kids when it comes to sex and love... You'll also hear a good bit of a past episode that you can listen to in its entirety here. I also explain how I plan to bring up conversations about sex to my daughters and what I hope they take away from those.  Thanks to the sponsors of this episode! Lume  New customers GET $5 OFF a Lume Starter Pack with code LOVERS at Intimissimi  Go to ZocDoc: Betterhelp! Go to for 10% off your first month! Follow Lauren: Follow Shan:
Up to 1 in 4 known pregnancies may end in miscarriage. For many of us, this stat is old news - but as we continue to have this conversation aloud after generations of keeping this pain private - what I do think is new is considering how the father feels about the loss. It seems like a no-brainer, but speaking from personal experience, it hadn’t really crossed my mind until recently. So, let’s talk about it with our special guest Mike Johnson on this episode of Lovers and Friends. According to a study conducted by School of Sciences fathers displayed less “active grief” than their female partners, BUT they were more vulnerable to feelings of despair and difficulty in coping 8 weeks following the loss.  The National Library of Medicine found that of 40 men who’s partner had a miscarriage, 59% said they had a deepened awareness of the fragility of life, 45% mourned the loss of their family’s hopes and dreams, 40% reported a strong sense of vulnerability and powerlessness to help their wife and half did not share feelings with their partner at all. These are numbers that I believe our starring guest can bring a face too, and this is a face you might recognize. Mike Johnson has already been a guest on Lovers and Friends in one of our biggest episodes “Tall, Dark, Handsome and Sexually Insecure.” Follow Mike Johnson Thanks to the sponsors of this episode.  Hungryroot! Just go to, to get 30% off your first delivery and get your free veggies.  Intimissimi  Go to again thats Betterhelp! Go to for 10% off your first month! Follow Shan: Follow Shan: Sources:
Open relationships. Now, you can clutch them pearls and raise those eyebrows all you want to, but this conversation is not going away - especially not in America.  Using two separate samples based on the U.S. Census, researchers found that one-fifth of the population in the United States has engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lives and if the trend continues, the only place this number is going is up. So… are open relationships the bandaid, the cure or the curse of our generation? And furthermore, how do you actually start one? Like for real? Let’s talk about it on this episode of Lovers and Friends. We have a loaded conversation between our starring guests on this episode, Swaggy C and Bayleigh. A married couple with a new baby, but an old, inactive desire to explore consensual non-monogamy within their marriage. There are a lot of themes to pull from this interview like: what happens when non-monogamy is one person’s yum and the other’s yea I guess if that will make you happy… OR the dangers of using non-monogamy as a punishment for unfulfillment… OR the joys/ struggles of having a partner who is supportive of your desires, but not all the way cooperative. However what stood out to me in this episode is how to go from being curious to actually being actively open...for real. FOLLOW THE GUESTS ON THIS EPISODE Follow Bayleigh: Follow Chris “Swaggy C”: Follow Dr. Monica: THANKS TO THE SPONSOR OF THIS EPISODE BET Watch Zatima starring Crystal Renee Hayslett and Devale Ellis by joining the millions who stream Black culture at Better Help Discover your potential with BetterHelp. for 10% off your first month.  Hello Fresh Try America’s #1 Meal Kit for yourself. Get 60% off plus free shipping.  Http:// Dipsea Explore your fantasies or get inspired with a 30 day free trial now. Follow Shan: Open relationship reading list From Dr. Monica:  IG Educational Pages  ·      Evita Sawyers | @lavitaloca34 ·      Chanee Jackson Kendall | @chaneespeaks ·      Jhen | @monogamishpod ·      Kevin Patterson | @polyrolemodels ·      @polyamouraousblackgirl ·      Leanne Yau | @polyphiliablog   Books  ·      Pre-Order | A Polyamory Devotional: 365 Daily Reflections for the Consensually Non-monogamous | Evita Sawyers ·      Love is Not Colorblind | Kevin Patterson ·      Polysecure | Jessica Fern ·      The Ethical Slut | Hardy & Easton  ·      More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory | Ricket & Veaux ·      Polyamory & Jealousy | Ricket & Veaux
Becky G is an award-winning, chart topping, international superstar who has always been grateful for her life, but at one point, hated herself and the experience of being alive. In order to get out of that dark place and to get the clarity she needed to heal she knew she needed a superhero, but what she didn’t know is “that hero” would ultimately need to be herself. In this episode Becky G candidly shares how learning to love herself, advocate for her needs and set boundaries has opened up a world of abundance, power, and arguably most importantly, self compassion.  Follow Becky G You can still watch old episodes of Becky’s Facebook Watch Show: Face to Face with Becky G AND OF COURSE WATCH THESE INTERNETS FOR BECKY’S COACHELLA PERFORMANCES THIS APRIL! And if you came here looking for quick links to the incredible sponsors of this episode, we got you!  EveryPlate  Use Code: Lovers149 Lomi: Use Code: Lovers BET Watch Zatima starring Crystal Renee Hayslett and Devale Ellis by joining the millions who stream Black culture at Follow Shan:
Does making friends get harder as you get older?  How the hell do I make friends? According to the American Perspective Survey, May 2021,  a lot of people are not  satisfied with the size of their friendship group. About half of Americans (51 percent) report they are very satisfied or completely satisfied with the number of friends they have. 30 percent say they are only somewhat satisfied, and 17 percent say they are not too or not at all satisfied with the number of friends they have. If you fall in that range of little to no satisfaction in friendships, here’s what you need to know about creating a bond.  So how long does it take to make a new friend? -50 hours of time before you consider them a casual friend  - 90 hours before becoming real friends  - 200hours- before becoming close friends  - source: 'Journal of Social and Personal Relationships'  As the New York Times reported in 2012, there are “three conditions that sociologists since the 1950s have considered crucial to making close friends: proximity; repeated, unplanned interactions; and a setting that encourages people to let their guard down and confide in each other.” Cultivating emotionally intimate relationships, in other words, takes more work than just compliments. In this episode I sit down with my friends Krista and Tabia and we talk about our friendships, the ups, downs and the work it takes to make them work.  A special thank you to Kamil Lewis, LMFT and Danielle Byard-Jacskon, Bumble Friendship Expert for lending their expertise on forming friendships.  Thanks to the sponsors of this episode.  ZocDoc: Ritual for 10% off your first 3 months  Follow the guests on this episode: Follow Shan: Follow Krista: Follow Tabia: Follow Danielle Bayard-Jackson Follow Kamil Lewis, LMFT
In this episode, I am answering 10 questions submitted by YOU, allll about sex!  I am looking forward to making more Q+A episodes, so feel free to submit your questions around sex, love and dating.  Huge thank you to the sponsors of this episode Ritual  Use code Lovers for 10% your order for 3 months.  Http:// Follow Shan: Follow Jared:  Http://
Lauren Jauregui talks about breaking things off with Ty Dolla Sign, writing Always Love, holistically healing and then finding real love again with another woman. Lauren Jauregui rose to prominence as a member of the girl group Fifth Harmony, which became one of the best- selling girl groups of all time. Since then, she has gone on to release her solo projects “Expectations” and “Prelude.” Lauren has also collaborated with Steve Aoiki, Halsey, Tainy (Tiny), and Ty-Dolla Sign whom she publicly dated for about 2 years.  Her hit, Always Love, pays homage to the end of her relationship with Ty and in this episode we get under the covers of that song to discuss the reason for the split, the lessons from that love lost and the discoveries she's made about who she is and what she needs since. Follow @Laurenjauregui on all social media platforms If you are an international listener, catch her on tour starting in March Listen to “Always Love” the single and her project “Prelude” which are out now Thank you to the sponsors of this episode MAGIC SPOON Go to to grab a variety pack and try it today! And be sure to use our promo code LOVERS at checkout to save five dollars off your order! DIPSEA For listeners of Lovers and Friends, Dipsea is offering an extended 30-day free trial when you go to BETTER HELP Visit to get 10% off your first month BUMBLE Download Bumble in your App Store and put yourself first when you look for love. Also, learn how Bumble can help make your search simpler and more satisfying at by clicking on "The Buzz"
In this episode, I talk about the 10 soulmates we may encounter over the span of our lives. Thanks for being patient with me this week on this episode. Promise to do better! Here are the 10 types of soulmates. The Stranger Soul Mate - unrequited love is still love. We needed them, we loved them, we were certain we were destined to marry them and they barely remember our last name. The black hole Soul Mate -  the person that we lost ourselves and our sensibilities to (usually our first requited soul mate experience) The Almost doesn’t count Soul Mate - the person who checked all the boxes but couldn’t light your fire (or vice versa) The Only If They… Soul Mate The Stay with you Forever but Stay Away From Me Forever Soul Mate - the person you’ll never truly be over even though it’s definitely over The one that got away - the good guy/ girl who you blew it with and now they’re happy with someone else The Rip Tide Soulmate - the relationship that preys on your needs, insecurities, weakness’ and fears. The prototype Soulmate - the person you are so sure is your one but upon further inspection you realize is just a beautiful imposter who taught you what you really needed to know about what you need out of love The Muse Soulmate - the person who’s meant to teach you about love/ connection, but not give it to you (usually a crush you never get a shot with) The Love of my Life soulmate- the relationship that allows you to be your best self and love at a higher frequency. A love marked by self insight, happiness, individual growth and true mutuality. Thanks to the sponsors of this episode! Babbel! Http:// Bumble: Download the Bumble app today for free! Hello Fresh! Http:// Follow Shan:
Have you ever found yourself attracted to someone of the same sex? How do you navigate re-orienting or re-navigating your sexual orientation after a queer experience?  That is exactly what we are breaking down in this episode. Our starring guest is singer, songwriter Kiana Lede.  Kiana is an Arizona born actress, singer and songwriter who burst into the scene with her Youtube series dubbed “Soulfood Sessions”. Her cover of Hotline bling went viral in 2016. Since then Kiana has released 2 Studio EPs, over a dozen singles, and a 17 track debut album which debuted at #30 on the Billboard 200 in 2020. Her music has featured artists like Offset, Ari Lennox and BLACK.  Her music has a way of laying out sexual exploration and liberation,  Her latest project, a mixtape titled “unfinished” pays tribute to her late friend Azuma. Thanks to the sponsors of this episode. or Download the Bumble App Http:// Http:// Follow Shan: Follow Kiana:
Celibacy, abstinence, sex strike, sexlessness, dry spell ….call it what you may but we can all agree is challenging.  This week we are joined by Stephan Speaks- one of the most popular voices in the relationship education space. Stephan has devoted himself to a life of celibacy on more than one occasion: first run with the intention to connect with God, second to connect with his God-given purpose and now he finds himself conflicted between looking for the clarity that celibacy seemed to give him before and longing for the intimacy he desires as a healthy, single, eligible bachelor.  Thanks to the sponsors of this episode. Dipsea! Whether you want to energize your sex life for yourself, a lover or so you can channel that energy elsewhere, try tuning into Dipsea because listeners of Lovers and Friends, get a 30 day free trial! Go to Links to episode clips that were featured in this episode. Glo Atanmo: Tanarelle: Rachel Lindsay: Sex Strike: Follow Shan: Follow Stephan Speaks:
On your journey to find and keep love (if this is your wish) have you ever felt like maybe you are meant to stay single forever? That is how this week’s guest, Glo Atanmo aka Glo Graphics on IG felt throughout most of her life. She was used to not being any man's first choice only to later date 12 quality men at once. Then in 2022, she embarked on her pursuit of finding her forever love.  She is now openly sharing her love story with her millions of followers online.  In this episode, she breaks down what the journey looked like and how she pursued an intentional dating season that led her to her lover. Research article by Lachlan Brown for HackSpirit called “I can’t find love”. - 20 things to remember if you feel this is you”.  You’re not really looking You’re list of wants in a partner is too long You’re in the wrong place You believe too much in soul mates and destiny You’re still not over your ex (intimate idealization) You don’t know what people want from you/ you don’t want to give it You have unresolved childhood issues You feel like you unconditionally deserve love You try way too hard You’re not being your true self You don’t know how to play the game You take dating for granted (entitlement issues) You sabotage relationships Thanks to the sponsors of this episode.  ZocDOC:  Go to and download the  Zocdoc app for FREE.  Babbel:  Get up to 55% off your subscription by going to Magic Spoon:  Get 5$ off your order by going to Follow Shan: Follow Glo:
Are drinking games for lovers or losers? Does alcohol make sex better and wetter or dryer and dimmer?  A study by Kathryn Lakeland of Femfresh found that 75 per cent of women said they liked to drink before getting into bed with their husband or boyfriend. In this episode we ask those in the 75 per cent to examine if this is a powerful or limiting decision. Many share that alcohol makes them feel confident, flirty and powerful, but also less aware, less excited and more prone to regrettable decisions.  My guest on this episode, ‘Drinking Games’ Author,  Sarah Levy once described being drunk on dates as a mandatory activity that made her feel like she had warm honey in her veins. Now, she is 5 years sober and ready to tell the world why.  In this episode, I am also joined by licensed therapist Erica Lubetkin who specializes in anxiety and addiction. Erica breaks down how alcohol can momentarily spike dopamine in your system, but the lasting effects are not so good.  This podcast is intended to spark hard-to-have conversations in your romantic and sexual life that lead to powerful shifts. I genuinely believe this episode delivers on that promise because we are talking about some powerful shit - alcohol.  Thanks to the sponsor of this episode, Better Help!  Visit for 10% off your first month. Follow Shan: Follow Sarah: Follow Erica:
This week's question is : What does it mean to be safe in a relationship? Safety in a relationship looks different for everyone.  Our starring guest this week Nick Viall and I talked about a lot, but underneath it, I think this is the core of it… 1) How love hasn’t been safe in the past and 2) how he’s redefining safety within in his new relationship: one that has external threats in the form of public opinion because that’s what fortunately unfortunately happens when two people attempt to share one life" And now Nick is redefining what safety in a relationship means to him. Which leads to asking you “What does romantic safety mean to you?” “Any aha moments after listening to this episode?” Follow Shan: Follow Nick: Please help us in showing love to our incredible sponsors by clicking these links to learn more.  Download the ZocDoc app for free. For 10% off during your first 3 months with Ritual, go to For 55% off your Babble subscription.
Comments (9)


Love how she never shares the name of this illness. I’m sure other people could learn or relate possibly.

Mar 25th


love this amazing mal.

Jul 19th

Mrq-mrg Khavarmiane


Jul 6th

Ayla Shuey


Feb 6th

brandy peat

love the show

Oct 8th


love you girl

Oct 7th

Amber Spearman-Scire

I'm so excited for your podcast!

Oct 1st


Subscribed! 😃

Oct 1st

Mona Hoseinzadeh Dal

awwww I'm your first subscriber and listener here 💥🔥🤩

Sep 23rd
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