Martini Shot

Remember the Burger King Kids Club, the chain’s ad campaign targeted to “the kids?” There was Kid Vid, the white, video game-playing leader; Jaws, the Black kid who loved to eat; and a boy in a wheelchair named (seriously) Wheels. The idea, Rob Long speculates, must have been devised at one of those offsite retreats, the kind TV execs love to do in Laguna. But hits rarely are born from suits tossing around banal concepts. Instead they begin with a writers’ novel idea, the equivalent of a delicious-looking hamburger. Also, we’ve been nominated for a Webby Award, vote for us here by April 18th! Transcript here. For more entertainment news, subscribe to The Ankler here. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Legendary fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld once complained about the way a room was decorated: “It was a lot of Louis Quinze mixed with Louis Seize,” he said. And then added: “Ugh!” The entertainment business runs on this sort of Lagerfeldian Ugh, a sort of lingua franca of Hollywood. But what if we tried, just for a while, to not slag others as conversational filler? Rob Long says then, very likely, you could expect a whole lot of deafening silence.  Also, we’ve been nominated for a Webby Award, vote for us here by April 18th! Transcript here. For more entertainment news, subscribe to The Ankler here. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howard the Duck might not have won Best Picture, but if you’re a sandwich shop worker, or a young Rob Long at lunch with high-up producers, it’s probably best not to espouse how big a flop you thought it was. See, failure in Hollywood is a relative term. Movies fail, pilots fail, but after a failure of your own, it’s tough to see anything that makes it to the screen as defeat — especially if it came with a check. After all, getting paid in show business is getting paid to try. The later checks — the bigger ones — are about getting paid to succeed. Transcript here. For more entertainment news, subscribe to The Ankler. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When Orson Welles found an investor for a cheap little noir thriller, legend has it he devised a scheme. His opening sequence took up almost 10 pages of script, with descriptions and action all spread out. Except when he actually filmed it, he used only a high-tension, 12-minute “virtuoso” single tracking shot that became signature to Touch of Evil — but also fooled execs into thinking he’d be under budget and on time every day. As genius as Welles’ move was, Rob Long says he was also a practitioner of Haraka Baraka. And you should be too. Transcript here. For more entertainment news, subscribe to The Ankler. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sixty percent of Americans say they read the Bible regularly. But in Hollywood, where Jesus and religion can feel — how do you say it — downmarket, people rely instead on the series bible, where writers flesh out their TV series’ characters, situations and possible future episodes. But Rob Long suggests Hollywood, much like he has, take a fresh look at the Bible — the one with a capital B, no IP rights, and packed with tragedy, sex and human weakness fit for a limited series. Transcript here. For more entertainment news, subscribe to The Ankler. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When Rob Long pitches anything these days, he knows that he’s not going to sell that idea in the room. That’s over. But he wouldn’t be upset if he didn’t hear, “Fun stuff. We’ll talk internally and get back to you.” What’s fun about that? If we can identify fun — rather than fun stuff — the entertainment industry can get back to being like that big, noisy party Rob throws, with a supermarket ham and cheap booze. Overthink it, and the party’s over. Transcript here. For more entertainment news, subscribe to The Ankler. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Rob Long loved his tailor — a man who ran his shop with unpredictable, cigarette-stained weirdness. But when he died, the business became faster, and it was easier to communicate with the staff. It was even open into the evenings. The new and improved shop certainly made for a better business. But the old tailor, for all his idiosyncrasies, was highly entertaining. And that is why Rob is not as worried about AI as many other people are. It may be more efficient, but can it pull a hilarious non-sequitur when you really need one? Transcript here. Subscribe here to The Ankler. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Rob Long’s friend once wrote a line for a TV show where a character reveals he doesn’t have voicemail. You see, the character, explains, “I don’t get important phone calls.” The network executive in charge, however, was not having it, bellowing that no one would care about someone not important enough to not get important calls. And that was that. Rob himself has thoughts on the function assistants play as status symbol in the industry— and what his trip in a shipping container from Seattle to Shanghai may say about it all.  Transcript here. Subscribe here to The Ankler. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Liza Minelli, Private Detective. Sounds pretty good, right? Unfortunately, the series — Rob Long’s brainchild — will never see the light of day. Rob was told Minelli was “not available,” and in show business, when someone’s unavailable, you move on. It’s one of those unwritten rules, or mysterious studio lists, that we all believe in. But are any of them actually true? Transcript here. For more entertainment news, subscribe to The Ankler. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Whether trekking to the cable store or preparing for the TSA line, Rob Long expects disappointment. Not because he’s inherently negative, you see. Show business, and all its grinding rejection, has molded him into a pessimist. So, Rob questions whether we are all too invested in our work here (the answer: yes). And how we can be prepared — and ready — for the time Lucy hands us the ball.   Transcript here. Subscribe here for more entertainment news. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Bette Davis famously answered “take Fountain” — an L.A. street with fewer lights — when asked her advice for actors starting out. Thing is, the questioner didn’t actually want practical advice. In fact, most of us say we want the truth when we actually prefer our feelings to be protected. Which is why executives wind up delivering notes with fluffy preamble, and why Rob Long was once taken aback when asked if his canceled show meant — ouch — that he was “washed up.”  Transcript here. For more entertainment news, subscribe to The Ankler. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Every question that comes up in Hollywood these days is really a variation on money, and the big one on everyone’s minds is: how are we going to make buckets of money in the TV business again? By reinventing an already reinvented model, says Rob Long. Hate the ad model coming for streaming? Well, Rob says consider it akin to the cover charge and drink minimum required to enter a jazz club. Transcript here. For more entertainment news, subscribe to The Ankler. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ever hear of iPartment? It was a Chinese knockoff of Friends, with some Big Bang Theory rolled in, that received complaints from viewers over lines and scenes ripped directly from these American shows. Outright joke stealing is, of course, wrong, but Rob Long can’t help but also ponder the full spectrum of today's content “borrowing” — whether it’s stand-up about Hot Pockets or a dissertation from a certain Harvard ex-president.  Transcript here. Subscribe at TheAnkler.com/subscribe for more entertainment news. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

An entertainment CEO’s to-do list for the year could include, among other boring and depressing things: layoffs, a merger with Paramount, a sell-off of local TV stations, an acquisition of Lionsgate, and the making of one’s quarterly debt payment. Long to-do lists are, however, as a psychiatrist once told Rob Long, self-sabotage. So instead, he suggests to the powers-that-be: Make a big, crowd-pleasing comedy instead, one in the vein of Anchorman or Zoolander. It’ll be the perfect antidote to doom and anxiety — and might even win your audience back.  Transcript here. Subscribe here to The Ankler. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Rob Long loves Christmas presents — expensive ones, preferably — and money. Lots of money. It’s an affliction that impacts everyone in entertainment, he argues, where enough is never enough. Even during a particularly confusing and hard year, we’re lucky to be able to complain about the work most of us do, which Rob realized at the paint store. And while Rob may not be personally calling you for money, he’s asking for your donations anyway to his favorite charity.  Head to My Friend’s Place, Rob’s charity of choice, to help support youth experiencing homelessness. Transcript here. Subscribe here to The Ankler. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week, Rob Long reminds us that nobody likes to work for free — which is why, more often than not, writers find themselves in a tricky predicament. In an ideal world, a writer gets hired off a pitch. But other times, the writer ends up drafting a script on spec, a.k.a for free. And even when a writer does sell a pitch, the executives who buy it likely won’t be around long enough to actually produce the script, thus rendering it no different from a spec (minus the small upfront fee). It’s enough to make a writer want to be a producer. Free money! Just ask Rob. Transcript here. Subscribe here to The Ankler. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

According to Karl Marx, “history repeats itself, first as tragedy, then as farce.” And in the eyes of Rob Long, so, too, does material in the entertainment industry. When something works as a drama, for example, people will try to find a way to jigger it into a comedy (cue the side-splitting version of Breaking Bad). Most films and shows these days are just a retread of something else. But as Rob explains, small tweaks can have a big impact — in the same way a loudmouth in a movie theater can break a poignant moment by uttering a single word.  Transcript here. For more entertainment industry news, subscribe to The Ankler. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week, Rob Long explains his number one rule for sharing emotions in entertainment-industry relationships: Don’t. After all, the best and longest-lasting relationships in Hollywood are the ones that stay frozen in place, uncomplicated by unnecessary interactions until there’s a business reason to reconnect. Also: never confuse love for you with the love of money (as one might be inclined to do with network execs), and don’t ever feel pressure to say “I love you” back to anyone. Instead, consider the alternative, “You do me great honor.”  Transcript here. For more news about the entertainment industry, subscribe to The Ankler at TheAnkler.com/subscribe. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When asked an honest opinion about someone’s appearance, you’ve likely enacted the Fix-It Rule: that is, if someone has the ability to do something about it — a stray hair, for example — you say something; if it’s congenital, well, you keep your mouth shut (or lie). That philosophy extends to Hollywood too, where almost everything is fixable, but everyone — even the most talented among us — has the capacity for at least one truly terrible, unsalvageable piece of work. How you move on from it, explains Rob, makes all the difference. Transcript here. For more news about the entertainment industry, subscribe to The Ankler at TheAnkler.com/subscribe. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ever notice the insecurity of those flying to and from L.A.? Everyone is discretely eyeballing everyone else, figuring out who is in first class, and — in the case of one agent Rob Long met at the airport — over-explaining why he was not. You see, in an industry where people rise and fall, and often outright disappear, visible status symbols take on absurd importance. As does creating the appearance that everything is going just great! Which is why Hollywood euphemisms were born — and why Rob always writes his name in big letters on a script.  Transcript here. For more news about the entertainment industry, subscribe to The Ankler at TheAnkler.com/subscribe. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices