Max, Mike; Movies

Hear Max, Mike; MoviesWith “Directors in Short Pants.”Kurosawa’s first. Our thoughts on moviesFlow like a winding river.Bumpy drowns in it. Two haikus, attributed to Yotta Bakamono Poll question: What is your favorite martial arts movie? Boxing counts! Comment below or call our Butt-Kicking Hotline and leave a voicemail! 617-398-7266

[dramatic music] Good evening! Welcome to a special edition of Max, Mike; News in another in our continuing expose: “Directors in Short Pants.” Tonight, our subject is: “it.” Just what is “it”? How is “it” effecting our children? Is “it” currently illegal? Should “it” be legalized? How does “it” effect our economy? Is “it” in your very neighborhood? Could “it” be lurking in your home? Is “it” making promises it can’t keep? Should we be concerned about foreign versions of “it” entering out country? Our guest this evening is Mr. Spike Jones, who, in his first feature film, boldly asserts that “She” has to have “it.” Is this true? How badly does anyone need “it”? Stay tuned and we’ll try to present you with the answers. Please stay tuned. Please. Please, baby baby, please, stay tuned . . . Poll question: Who’s your favorite female cinematic character?

We are trundling along through our “Directors in Short Pants” series! This week, our contestant (contestant?!) is Robert Rodriguez; you may know him as the director of the beloved children’s movie series “Spy Kids” (who else could get Ricardo Montalban and Sylvester Stallone in the same scene?!) or you may know him as the creator of such massively violent films such as “Desperado” and “Once Upon a Time in Mexico.” But in his first outing as a director, we find that he is in fact . . . a maker of educational films! Who knew? Before I saw “El Mariachi,” I just thought of a Mariachi as a skilled guitar player and vocalist. Little did I dream that your average Mariachi is also skilled with mace-and-chain, multiple firearms, and precision acrobatics, not to mention improvised ziplining! I mean! We can learn so much from Mr. Rodriguez. Thank you, Robert, for teaching us so much and for making us laugh at love . . . again. Find out what else we learned by giving a listen! Poll question: If there is violence in a movie, is it better for it to be bloodless and cartoony or realistic and brutal? Leave a comment or bludgeon our hotline at 617-398-7266

Were you born in a cross-fire hurricane? Did you or any member of your family howl at your ma in the driving rain? Have you been crowned with a spike right through your head? If so, you may be entitled to compensation. Here at the law firm of Max, Mike, & Bumpy, we can help you get the payment you deserve for your difficulties. Others may tell you that it’s all right now, some attorneys may try to convince you that it’s a gas but at Max, Mike, & Bumpy, we know better. In fact, we will school such people with a strap right across their back. We think our client series “Directors in Short Pants” speaks for itself but why not come down to the offices of Max, Mike, & Bumpy and we will give you a free consultation session. Come on down today! At Max, Mike, & Bumpy, we will make your adversaries feel like they’ve been drowned, washed up, and left for dead. Now that’s a gas, gas, gas! Give a listen today! Poll question: what ingredient, if any, do you feel is missing from today’s movies? Leave a comment or call our hotline at 617-398-7266

This week we plunge along in the mysterious wilderness that is “Directors in Short Pants” with the directorial debut of Sofia “Please Don’t Make Me Act Anymore, Dad!” Coppola. Her freshman effort was “The Virgin Suicides,” perhaps not as popular as some of her later films but one that certainly got talked about. Honestly, it’s kind of hard to come up with a funny blurb this week given this film’s content and underlying theme (spoiler alert: the title of the film is kind of a spoiler itself). While we hope you’ll give a listen to our show, we would like to mention that, regardless of our overall opinion of the movie, both Mike and I would urge you to only watch the movie if you’re in a sound place emotionally. If the darkness of the outside world is getting to you (as it is to me), this is not the sort of “pleasant escape” movie that might help. Just putting that out there. Our show, on the other hand, IS a pleasant escape . . . from quality or talent! Har har! See what I did there? Wakka wakka! Heyooo! . . . Yeah, the movie is kind of a bummer. Poll question: Is there any subject you feel is too delicate, sensitive, or inappropriate to be portrayed in a movie? Leave a comment or call our hotline at 617-398-7266

Woowww, it’s another episode of “Directors in Short Pants” again, that’s wild. We’re checking out Wes Anderson’s first effort, “Bottle Rocket.” While this movie is devoid of weird prop shots, the sounds of typewriters, twee costumes, and has a profound lack of either Bill Murray or Tilda Swinton, please believe me when I tell you that this is certainly a Wes Anderson movie. We do get not one, not two, but three Wilson brothers in this. Yes, in addition to Anderson faves Luke and Owen (in their first on-screen appearances), we also get the third Wilson brother, Zeppo. No, wait, that’s wrong . . . Shemp? No, still not right . . . Andrew! That’s it, Andrew Wilson, who went on to do many other movies of some sort or other, I’m sure of it. Put on your beret, listen to some plinking harpsicord music and give a listen. Unrelated, I still think this Saturday Night Live bit that asks the question “what if Wes Anderson made a horror film?” is pretty spot-on. Poll question: what actor, male or female, has done something on or off screen that’s made you just say “no more!” Leave a comment or call our hotline at 617-398-7266

Sharks. Fascinating. Terrifying. Humanity has long been fascinated by these ancient predators that come in so many forms. They’ve even earned their own Week on National Geographic! There are Ghost Sharks that terrify, there are Mega Sharks that devour, there are 6-Headed Sharks that have trouble sharing, there are Ouija Sharks that are just confusing.  Sometimes these strange beasts merge with other horrors, forming such things as a Sharktopus, a Mummy Shark, or even a Jurassic Shark (or two). There have even been reports of sharks merging with other natural disasters, forming such things as a Sharknado (five times!). But I think it’s safe to say that the movie that launched all of the cinematic classics mentioned above (all of which are real, by the way) is also the movie that became the first Summer Blockbuster and is the perfect choice to round out our series “Summer Blockbusters and Summer Not”: Steven Spielberg’s second-ever cinematic release, “Jaws.” Pull up a floatation barrel, secure yourself in your shark cage and give a listen as your favorite salty old seadogs Max and Mike tell you if it’s safe to go back in the water again. Farewell and adieu, you fair Spanish ladies (and gentlemen). Poll question: When you’re in a bad mood, what movie or what sort of movie do you like to watch, if any, to take you out of it? Write below or call our shark-spotter hotline at 617-398-7266!

Flickering dizzying hypnotic light.The director reaches out to snare your eyes, your mind, your heart.First time. The director despoils the virgin film with his demands.Light and shadows dance.Up is down. Right is wrong.Whatever the director says is truth for those few minutes in a dark theater.Gum clings to your shoe.The film clings to your soul.Shadows. John Cassavetes. Meaning. Meaningless. There is nothing.There is only the film.               — “Movies Am Good” by Max Kerowacky Poll question: Is there a director that you really just can’t stand, whose name you see and just go “nope”?

We’re plunging ahead with our series “Directors in Short Pants” with Robert Eggers’ first egg-fort (I’m sorry; I’ll leave quietly) “The Witch.” What’s that? You’ve never seen this movie? Well, you must be A WITCH! A WITCH! BURN THEM! BURRRRNNN THEEMMMMMM! *ahem* Anyway, you can clearly see the themes and tropes that Eggers uses throughout his just-starting-out career. You can’t seem them? Only a WITCH WOULDN’T SEE THEM! A WITCH! THEY MUST BE BUUUURRRRRNED! Um, so right, I don’t know about you but this movie had no effect on me whatsoever and anyone it did effect could only BE A WITCH! WITCH! WITCH! WITCHES EVERYWHERE! MY MAIL CARRIER IS A WITCH! THAT POODLE! WITCH!! THAT FRYING PAN! IT’S A WITCH! BURN THEM! BURN EVERYONE! BURN ME! ONLY ANOTHER WITCH WOULD SEE WITCHES EVERYWHERE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Give a listen, won’t you? Don’t make me accuse you of witchcraft! ‘cause I’ll do it! You know I will! Poll question: who is your favorite witch of movie or TV fame? Comment or call our “Witch Accusation Hotline” at 617-398-7266

Yeah, hi, so, y’know, I guess we’re doing a new series, or whatever. Something about famous directors, right, and their first-ever full-length movies and stuff. Or whatever. “Directors in Short Pants” or something, I dunno, none of it really matters. Everything’s set against us, right? It’s all big plots by alien Freemasons and junk, right? So what’s the point of anything? So, we’re starting, I guess, with this guy Richard Linklatter (like that’s a real name, right?) and he did a movie in 1990 called “Slacker,” right, so I guess, ooo, he’s SUCH  a big deal and we should just all fall on our knees and worship him and whatever, right? Just because he, you know, DID a thing. So capitalistic. He’s just another guy working for the Man, ok? At least here, Mike and I aren’t being hypocrites, right? I mean, we’ve got podcast, right, so OBVIOUSLY we’re making the world better by talking about movies and stuff, ok? How? Oh, you wanna know how talking about movies makes the world better? Oh man, if you really wanna know, here, you’re gonna need this flowchart I sketched on a Denny’s napkin . . . so, it really starts with the Hollow Earth Theory, ok? And there are like these lizard people who started the Rosicrucians and . . . hey, where you going? C’mon! I got more napkins . . . can I at least bum a smoke? Poll question: What movie have you seen the most times IN A THEATER? Streaming, home video doesn’t count?

Sweet Aunt Petunia’s plaid knickers! It’s another in our series “Summer Blockbusters and Summer Not”! And guess what, True Believers (and False Deniers, for that matter), we’re checking out the fourth (or fifth, depending on how  you count them) iteration of Marvel’s First Family, The Fantastic Four! Roger Corman set the bar pretty high, I know, but we only hope! So enjoy as Fantasti-Max and Fantasti-Mike regale you on our Fantasti-podcast as to what is Fantasti-great in the movie and what, if anything, Fantasti-sucks! Crack open a cold Fantasti-drink, sit back in your Fantasti-chair and . . . Mike, this is the last time I let you talk me into using one of Marvel’s Fantasi-AIs to “tune things up”! I’m gonna Fanstati-smack you right in your Fantasti-face! Dammit, how do I turn off this Fantasti-filter?! Marvel you can Fantasti-kiss my Fantasti-[fantasti-redacted] you bunch of [fantasti-redacted fantasti-redacted fantasti-redacted] AAAAHHHHHHHHH! Just give a Fantasti-listen, won’t Fantasti-you? Poll question: what summer blockbuster do you remember anticipating most when you were young? Leave a comment or call our Misty Water Colored Memories hotline at 617-398-7266.

We have finally come to the end of our “Oh No! A Giant Monster!” series with 1990’s “Tremors,” the terrifying story of what life would be like with giant underground monsters boring through the earth below us and *rumble* OH GOD NO! IT’S A GRABOID! IT HAS TO BE! WE’RE ALL DOOMED! IF ONLY . . . oh, hang on, that was the icemaker switching on. Hoo. That was close. So, we’re coming to the close of *rumble* OH GOD WHAT’S THAT HORRIBLE SHAKING NOISE?! WE’RE GOING TO BE DEVOURED FOR SURE! HOW COULD . . . oh, ok, wow, I gotta get that air conditioner fixed. Shouldn’t be making that kind of noise . . . guess I’m a little on edge. Anyway, we *rumble blatttttt* OH GOD I KNEW IT THIS IS THE END . . . wait, what’s that smell . . . ? Oh, man, Mike, I warned you about those bean, cauliflower, lentil and broccoli salads! Someone open a window! Oh lord, the paint is peeling off the walls! Dammit, Mike…! Folks, just give a listen to this week’s show while I call a hazmat team. My eyes! Oh god, my eyes are burning! Gee, I sure hope we don’t get interrupted next week by another Summer Blockbuster . . . Poll question: What is your favorite performance by Kevin Bacon? Leave a comment or call our “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon” hotline at 617-398-7266.

Look! Up on the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a frog! (A frog?!) It’s another remake of “Sooperdooperman”, this time from James “Tommy” Gunn (that’s what I call him, ‘cause we’re best friends and I totally know him in real life and I’m not just talking about a stuffed penguin that I named James “Tommy” Gunn at all I don’t know why you would even think that). Yes, we’re got another of our Interrupting Series “Summer Blockbusters and Summer Not” and it’s quite the buster of blocks . . . or is it? Me, I don’t think “Tommy” Gunn really needed to include an in-depth narrative dive into all the types of Kryptonite out there. I mean sure, there’s Green Kryptonite that kills, Red Kryptonite that causes random plot devices to occur, and Gold Kryptonite that permanently removes Kryptonian super-powers (don’t know how they tested that . . .) but do we really need to know about Chartreuse Kryptonite that forces Superman to mix stripes with plaids? Or Taupe Kryptonite that causes any Kryptonian to experience uncontrolled, explosive nose-hair growth? Or Indigo Kryptonite that forces Superman to become obsessed with the intrinsic impermanence of all existence? Or Mauve Kryptonite, that causes any Kryptonian to talk endlessly about the novels of Susan Sondheim? Sure, all this is canon (and I when I say “canon” I mean my personal head-canon; don’t get me started on Industrial Grey Kryptonite) but do they need to spend 90 minutes of the film discussing them? No, of course they don’t, which is why none of this comes up in the film. Are you nuts? Am I nuts? Is Mike nuts? I think the answer here is pretty obvious, Josephine, but that’s neither here nor over behind that chair. Give a listen and see what we thought about what ACTUALLY happens in the film. Poll question: who’s your favorite Superman, in movies or TV? Who wore the cape the best?

Moms! Dads! Are your kids bored with their plain old dinosaurs? Are they no longer excited by uninteresting Velociraptors and bland, predictable Compsognathus? Are tired of their sad, lonely faces and want another chance to buy the love and respect of your offspring? Then come on down to Max and Mike’s Jurassic World! You want dinosaurs? We got dinosaurs! We got the Amazosaurus Rex! We got the Superawesomecoolodon! We got the Extremeradatops! Come on down now for our “Summer Blockbusters and Summer Not” sale! Our helpful and overly-talented sales staff, including Scarlett Johannson and Mahershala Ali will be glad to help you select from our Totally New Dinosaurs! Now with Extra References to Other Movies!! And while you’re here, why don’t you check out our selection of Gently Used Movie Plots, ‘cause we’ve got so many of those, we’re practically giving them away! So come on down! Put yourselves and your kids in carefully supervised jeopardy at our fabulous showroom, just off Highway 78A, at the “Meddling In Things Man Is Not Meant To Know” exit! Come on down! We’ve got free hotdogs and Pegomastax the clown! Poll question: what film do you think could be expanded into a franchise? Whose adventures do you want to see more?

Hello. This week on the Max, Mike; Movies series “Oh No! A Giant Monster!” we’re going to be discussing “Monsters.” What truly is a monster? It can be a mania, a mash, or even a truck. And yes, it can also be a giant, extra-natural being that can, simply due to its basic nature, cause a certain amount of distress to property and people. Yes, a “monster” can be alarming, yes they can seem different, alien, non-human . . . but ask yourself this: isn’t there a monster inside each of us? Don’t we all have our inner monster? Who among us hasn’t looked in the mirror in the morning and seen a post-human hell-spawn, with wells of dark fire where our eyes should be and fangs dripping pustulant venom? I know I have. Who really, honestly, hasn’t spread their leathery, be-clawed wings and indulged their perfectly natural urge to rain blazing death down on the shrieking city dwellers below us? I know I have. And yet we insist on reviling these so-called “monsters,” shunning them, disparaging them to others, firing anti-tank missiles at me, I mean, at them. People, this needs to stop. We need to enter into a frank and open dialogue with these alleged “monsters.” We need to stop firing newly-developed hyperweapons at us, I mean them. Think about it, won’t you? I’ll take the first step: I’m off to engage in an honest and meaningful exchange of thoughts, concepts, and concentrated plasma breath with the city of Cleveland. Hopefully we’ll all grow from this. Poll question: what movie franchise do you think has had enough already and should be quietly laid to rest? Leave a comment or a voicemail on our “A Monster! Everybody Panic!” hotline at 617-398-7266.