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Letter sent to all site members April 1st, 2020. Some fans asked that I make it available to the public so it can be shared.   Dear friend,   My prayer for so long has been, “God, please don’t let me be deceived.” I don’t want to be fooled! On a day like April Fool’s Day, this prayer is even more meaningful. I’ve always searched for Truth.     I am fortunate to have some lifelong fans of my music who comment on YouTube that they think I should be more well known. You all are so sweet! Thank you! It’s really a blessing in disguise not to be though. For many other dark reasons I won’t get into here, I had to say goodbye to Hollywood and my dreams of sharing my music on a larger scale a long time ago.     Ten years ago in April I graduated from Belmont University. What an amazing growth experience! I went back to school in order to learn things I simply wanted to know. I took the following classes by choice:      Mass Media and Society    American Government     US History    World History    Multiple Political Science courses    Multiple Religion courses    All in search of knowledge and truth.     I learned in Mass Media and Society that most mainstream media (the big 6 media companies) are actually funded, owned and controlled by one group of extremely wealthy people.  This reminded me of when all our independent radio stations were purchased by Clear Channel and were instantly controlled and no longer had a choice of what music they could play. My radio programmer who had played my first hit single, "I’m Not the Girl” was a father of young girls and he hesitantly played, “I Kissed a Girl” by Katy Perry instead of songs he felt good about spinning (mine were no longer considered at this point). He held a title of Program Director, but he was no longer directing.     In American Government I learned about the branches of government and how our founding fathers had put them in place to ensure the leaders would have their power distributed among the branches. This would ensure the people would be properly represented and not controlled.    In US history and World History, I heard all the gruesome stories written by the winners of the wars. These classes were so sad. I am all about peace and civilized cooperation, and I don’t want war or any more innocent bloodshed ever. War is not a solution. Only blood thirsty psychopathic energy vampires would be ok with this option and create reasons to go to war. It is not their nephews, family members, or friends who are slaughtered. It's yours and mine. These same wealthy families fund the wars.   In Political Science I learned about how divisive political parties are and how similar political parties and the entertainment industry are. So similar you just have to use logic to intuit they are run by the same powerful (by money only) ruling elite. I learned how strong political affiliation just keeps people divided and fighting amongst each other while also unknowingly being influenced subconsciously by television “programming” (hey, they warned us in the name!) and ancient technology used in music also to hypnotically deliver their messages. I learned how difficult it is to accomplish anything as a president if they’re not aligned with the deep state (think JFK) and how the voting system was in terrible need of an upgrade due to electoral votes not representing the people’s wishes. Ten years later, still nothing has improved in the American voting system. Because we don’t choose our candidates it is silly to hatefully call anyone a “supporter” of any given president when we never asked for the candidates we were handed in the first place. They were “cast” like actors a long time ago.    I learned in my religions courses that similar to the entertainment industry and politics, again people were divided by different beliefs that in some ways works like programming as we don’t choose the country, family, or religion we are “born” into. Division, division, and more division. While our diversity in thought, origin, beliefs, and all of these varieties are beautiful, and should be respected and not imposed on another, we should not allow them to be ways in which our buttons are pushed to be angry or against other humans. Our enemy is not our fellow humans. Many sacred writings from all over the world have different yet similar warnings. I am most familiar with the words of Christ so I will share these because it is what I know. Jesus’ (or his real name, Yeshua’s) words always stood out to me as contradictory to everything we were programmed to believe or think in all the above categories I’ve studied.         Ephesians 6:12    12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.    Mark 12:30-31    30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’[a] 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] There is no commandment greater than these.”    Matthew 12:25    25 But Jesus knew their thoughts, and said to them: “Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation, and every city or house divided against itself will not stand.    John 14:12 -14    12Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. 13 And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. 14 You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.         Growing up in a church it seemed as though nobody paid attention to all of Yeshua’s cryptic words! Like a whole religion was created around this man yet His words were not heeded nor understood by many of the followers. We are not taught in church that WE can do even greater things than Jesus was doing. WOW! That’s a huge statement. Not to mention how Jesus hung out with women as equals and then after his death women were right back to being oppressed by the rulers. You can’t love your neighbor when you’re dividing yourself because of differing beliefs and thoughts. Yet, this was the greatest commandment: to love your God (or your higher power), your neighbor, and yourself.     This division we have among all of our people inhabiting this planet must stop or we will be brought to desolation by the ruling elite. (you must research for yourselves how these rulers have planned to introduce us to chaos and then offer us a solution that ultimately strips us of our freedom)  It’s up to us as people to unite and stand together regardless of religion, race, political ideology, country of origin, or any other divisive programming and refuse to be further controlled as this plan of the deep state ruling elite continues to roll out. When we are all stripped down to humanity in all its vulnerabilities fighting a virus globally together, it is easy to see how very similar we are. We all need food, shelter, love, relationships, sleep, toilets and paper (well we can survive w/o this!), and a direct connection with our creator or higher power to awaken our spiritual body to remind us we are so much more than this physical body.    There is more to this inner divine light than we’ve been told by our dark programmers. Each of us has this ability to connect and be one with the Father (perhaps creator is Father/Mother rather?) without going to church or through a pope. It’s what I hope and pray brings us all together in unity very soon as we awaken to who we truly are. We have creator's light inside of us and this “WAY” is what Christ and many other masters came to tell us about. The rulers/leaders didn’t like it then, and they don’t like it now because it makes us very powerful instead of vaccinated and dumbed down “sheeple” who easily follow (are controlled).     So while we’re all inside our homes feeling like we want to be set free…I pray that we will all go within to that quiet place in our hearts and ask our higher power to light us up to awareness of our eternal spiritual being and fill us with unconditional love. In this knowledge there is no more fear, only love and unity. We are all in this together on this beautiful planet and we must unite as one to save our lives, our freedoms and our planet. And together our light can outshine the darkness that has ruled our planet for too long. Do not fear and don’t give away your freedom if/when the elite rulers offer “safety” and “security” in exchange. They cannot take it away without our consent! Don’t give consent!    I am releasing this song Light Me Up in honor of JFK and Princess Diana. They were both genuine lights trying to shine in a very dark place and those lights were sadly snuffed out. They couldn’t change the dark ruling order alone. We must all do it together.    I hope you enjoy this song. I love to create music and while Hollywood is shut down and *hopefully* all the darkness is being infiltrated and evil doers are being held accountable, I see a tiny window to share a song that has some light.         I love you all!         Rachel Farris 

I’m always skeptical when big news about a break up, pairing up, or other breaking news is announced at the same time an actor’s movie is released. The timing always seems like it is strategically planned for publicity. Now I’m thinking it may be coincidence. When I reached out to Kinetic Content and FYI to share what I’ve decided after a period of laying low, they let me know that Seven Year Switch is coming back for season two and casting has begun. I immediately thought the timing was nuts, and I’m sure you will too. So with the announcement of the return of the show that is still changing my life, I have an update of my own.   It’s going to take a while to rebuild my life, but the first step I’m taking is to separate from CW. It’s time to focus on my healing and take special care of myself, and I’m looking to God for strength and courage. I wish I could say that I’m happy at last, but this is the saddest thing I’ve ever had to do. I have hope for future happiness, and for those who want to follow along, I’ll continue to share my journey. Unfortunately, the deep emotional pain from a relationship of this nature doesn’t magically end when the relationship does. I’m taking the first step toward healing though, and although I feel extra fragile lately, I also feel an inner-strength rising within me like never before.   Love and compassion for CW remains in my heart even as I say goodbye. I needed to become aware of the real cause of my emotional anguish and diminishing self-esteem that had taken over during the course of our relationship, before I could move on. Now that I’ve done the work of understanding it all, I’m able to make the best decision for my life and health. To stay in the marriage would have destroyed my heart and soul, and would eventually kill my spirit completely. That is no way to live. I did everything in my power to save the marriage and there was nothing else I could do. Seven Year Switch provided the third party perspective I needed, which was vital to sort through my confusion and cognitive dissonance. I’m thankful the opportunity arose at the right moment, and allowed me time and space to step away, hear my own thoughts without competing voices, and reconnect with my spirit.   It’s impossible to grasp what it’s like to be in a relationship with someone who can’t deeply feel for you or have true empathy unless you’ve experienced it for yourself. I wouldn’t wish the experience on anyone, but at the same time I feel grateful to have learned about it sooner than later. I didn’t realize there were so many people with this backward way of relating, and how nearly impossible it is to change their internal wiring and help them learn to meet human needs for connection and emotional intimacy. Now I know better how to recognize the signs and protect my compassionate and giving heart from future damage.  It’s important to point out that those who are wired in this backwards way internally are often unaware of the destruction they are causing others. They are simply behaving in the only way they know how to behave in order to survive from their point of view. It doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it can help you not take it personally.   There are a lot of good memories and fun times also, and although I feel sorry for the loss of my relationship, I’m confident there is no other option for me. It took me a while to sort through everything and research the psychology behind it all, but that was my necessary process to get to today and this first step toward freedom from emotional trauma. These days are strangely mixed with sadness and a life and death sort of urgency. I literally feel like two people sometimes. One half of me is distraught and wants to keep working on the relationship and never give up, while the wiser part of me is keeping the other half at bay and taking charge to save her life. The wiser side of me has learned about trauma bonding and that is how I know that I should not listen to that part of me that wants to reconnect. It’s tricky. But I’m staying the course. I need your support and I’ll try to document the process in hopes that others going through similar change can find comfort in my words.   Taking this step toward freedom is the most challenging thing I’ve faced to date. The fear of the unknown can be crippling at times, and the sudden rush of uncontrollable tears and gut wrenching cries out of nowhere knock the wind out of me. But then I sit in my pain knowing this is part of the process and I have to tread through it to get to the other side. I am starting my life over and the last several years feel like a loss of valuable time and energy. But in other aspects, I know the lessons I’ve learned and the darkness I’ve endured will propel me to something God has been orchestrating for me all along. It’s walking in faith and trusting He has my future planned out that gives me strength to move forward. I had nowhere else to look and feel but down for so long, that I’m permanently fixing my gaze upward and feeling higher up each day.   I wish our marriage could have been what I thought it was. But it absolutely wasn’t.   I filed for divorce. It was the hardest day of my life.

Emotional abuse can be so insidious and crafty that you don’t recognize it’s happening. A relationship with this type of abuse does the most possible damage to your self-esteem and confidence. It’s the worst day of your life to find out you’ve been abused by the person you trust the most. The same person who says he or she loves you is underhandedly tearing you down. How could your spouse do this to you? How could you have known? You couldn’t have known. Because you couldn’t have imagined an elusive, barely detectable form of abuse masked by seemingly rational statements spoken by a charming, intelligent, and successful person. You think back to all the decisions you thought you were making together as a team and realize your spouse didn’t have your best interest at heart. You remember the day you had a big crisis or loss and you needed emotional support more than ever, but your spouse couldn’t provide it for you. You made excuses that they must not realize the severity, or they have so much on their plate with work, and you try to deal with the pain and suffering alone. You had no emotional support during the most difficult days of your life thus far, and you unwittingly allowed an abusive person to give half the input toward decisions that will affect you forever. You remember all the times you were fearlessly vulnerable with them. You freely shared your most intimate thoughts, but they ended up using those against you later to secretly hurt you and tear you down. All those times you got sick, and you’ve never had such constant health problems, and they calmly reply to your outcries with, “It’s because you take things so personally and you’re too sensitive.” Or “its normal to have increasing health problems as you get older.” On top of the physical suffering, which is difficult enough, you have emotional, mental, and psychological suffering because of an abusive spouse who minimizes your suffering and blames the effects of their abuse on you. It’s never about how you’re emotionally traumatized by them, causing your immune system to all but vanish. There are the long conversations explaining what empathy is to what seems to be a hollow shell of a person. It doesn’t make sense how they seemed to be empathetic and providing emotional support while dating, and then not be able to during marriage. You ask yourself how could they have had empathy when you met and then lose it later? The strange thing is that they’ve mastered how to mimic or intellectualize empathy enough to fool you during the early stages of a relationship. Once you’re committed and they feel they’ve got you for life, they don’t try so hard to fake empathy. This faking of empathy becomes all to clear during the hardest blows of life, when unfortunately it is needed the most. This is about the time that you sense something is gravely wrong. Verbal abuse is not something that is brought on by the victim.  This is not an issue that speaking up and calling out the behavior will resolve. “Finding your voice” will not make them respect your boundaries. You can shout, you can cry, you can whisper, you can talk at a normal level, and the abuser is still going to abuse. An abuser lacks empathy. Because they lack empathy, the God-given buffer to cruelty, there is nothing stopping them from abusing you to get what they desire. You can set limits and boundaries like a real pro, but an emotional abuser won’t respect them. They can’t. There has to be education, for women especially, since this problem of abuse seems to come up mostly with women, so this horrible and damaging abuse doesn’t continue. I would never have considered "abuse" as one of my relationship issues due to emotional/verbal abuse's sometimes elusive, underhanded nature. How is it possible that a college-educated woman would not be able to recognize the more subtle forms of verbal abuse? It took being gradually beaten down, to a fraction of the woman I am, over several years, to finally discover the books that would explain my unequal, relational dynamic. Knowing about covert abuse earlier could have prevented deep emotional anguish, trauma, psychological damage, and loss of self-esteem. Covert control and verbal abuse have to stop going on undetected. Until it is identified there is no way to stop the abuse. When you don’t know what is happening to you, you cannot get help! This is why awareness for young girls especially is so important. Does your teenage daughter, sister, cousin, friend, or relative know what covert control tactics and covert verbal abuse are? I think we do a decent job on awareness of overt and more obvious abuse, but there is a softer side to abuse that is sneaky and manipulative. I’m afraid we don’t talk enough about this extremely damaging, deceitful behavior. I took a list of some common signs of emotional abuse from this web site link below. An abuser doesn’t necessarily employ all of these tactics, but may use certain ones and not others. A deeper understanding of more covert tactics of verbal abusers can be found in Patricia Evan’s book The Verbally Abusive Relationship.http://liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abusehttp://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Expanded-Third/dp/1440504636/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1440967686&sr=1-1&keywords=verbal+abuse  

Switch Therapy is not for everyone, but was an amazing opportunity for me. I often found myself in the middle of arguments, friction, emotional anguish, and grief, and couldn’t name the reason. Was I really too demanding? Were the needs I expressed to my husband asking too much? If we go to a counselor will they be able to see the dynamic that baffles me and keeps me feeling suppressed? I longed for validation of my experience. I also wanted to know I wasn’t crazy. That what I felt was real and my experience and perception could be trusted. I needed to step away to be able to comprehend what was going on in our relationship, not what I was told was going on. For example, when I tell my husband that I feel like I have to keep my feelings in to keep him from becoming angry, he often says he has to do the same thing for me. It makes me think we’re both doing the same thing for each other, and there must not be anything wrong with our relationship. I tell him on other occasions that sometimes his negative energy rubs off on me, making me feel on edge. He says he has to walk on eggshells around me also and that he can never do anything right.  I shift my focus on trying not to make him feel he doesn’t do anything right. This is a controlling tactic called countering that Patricia Evans explains in her book Controlling People. Once you’ve been acted upon and blamed for the very wrong you were standing up against, you feel like you’re the difficult one. In specific circumstances, not doing switch therapy could be the most devastating missed opportunity for the marriage. If there are harmful behaviors that go unchecked in a relationship, they can ultimately destroy it. There are therapists who counsel couples for years and never get a look into the true dynamic of a relationship behind closed doors. What if there’s a habit in the relationship that never comes up because you’re unable to name it? For example, you can say, “we fight too much.”  The therapist can help you feel better reminding you all couples deal with the same issues. But with expert eyes that watch an organic confrontation, the “fight” takes on a new definition.  It’s not just a fight like most couples have. There’s something else. What process exists in traditional therapy to get down to the real arguments that happen in the kitchen late at night? Who will uncover the unseen psychological boundary violations?  Think of how many of us grew up in families that taught us ways of relating that we had no clue were so damaging. Sometimes it takes us a lifetime to figure out these issues from our early years and stop projecting them onto our loved ones. With so much to learn about our spouse and ourselves before we can even hope to flourish in a marriage, there should be more education and preparation to get us off to a decent start. There are certain cases where you can’t rely on personal growth at a day-to-day pace. There are times when something radical is needed to intervene. Seven Year Switch is not for everyone, but certain marriages all over the world could largely benefit from this rare and unconventional process of change.  

I’m in awe of your love and support through this difficult journey of self and couple discovery through Seven Year Switch. Thank you. I feel your support surrounding me like an army of goodwill and it keeps me fighting.  What was supposed to be a happy ending for us was tarnished by what I witnessed in the previous episode. I thought we were entering a new chapter and getting a fresh start. I had questions and was staying alert, but was hopeful we would apply all we learned together and experience many improvements. I also had to allow for the moments we would slide back into old habits in spite of all our growth. Knowing what I know now, it was not completely what it seemed at the time. There was the dinner at our reunion and CW trying to deny the drinks he had with Danielle. I know you’ve all been asking me to address this, but it is the least of my worries at this point. I am concerned for what all this means in the bigger picture and for the future of our marriage. I guarantee when somebody is trying to control you they are lying from time to time, small or big, in various ways to reach their end goal. Master manipulators deny the lies and consider it an innocent “spin” of the facts. So to me, focusing on one lie is like treating a symptom instead of the cause. If there is one small lie, there are bigger lies elsewhere and on and on.In other words, the lying is a symptom of something else. I want to focus on why and try to understand the bigger picture. The why is to stay in power over another, attempt to control, and to avoid the following: taking responsibility, looking inward, dealing with authentic feelings, and admitting fault. The fact that someone is trying to control means he or she will use deceit, diminishing, countering, dismissing, sarcasm, put downs, condescension, and any other tactics to attempt to stay in control when they feel any type of vulnerability. I have come to realize that some people who attempt to control are not aware of the severity of their behavior nor do they set out to do this and intentionally hurt someone. They don’t understand how much damage they are causing. This fills me with compassion at times, but not always. The biggest deciding factor here is will they, upon becoming aware of what they are doing, be willing and able to make lasting change. In some cases they aren’t able to acknowledge there is even a problem. Another problem with those who tell lies to control, is that they avoid giving you the satisfaction of admission. They will deny it until you’re so exhausted you’d rather give up than keep arguing the issue, so you drop it. Not because you are weak, but because you are human and you want to survive. A person connected to their inner selves, with empathy, compassion, and genuine desire to understand their mate, will back down eventually to somehow make peace. You can’t reach any further into an emptied well for someone who has sucked the life out of you with control. They are equipped with the ability to never tire when it comes to defending their “innocence” and “rightness.”Lies destroy relationships and there are many marriages with lies for reasons other than to control. This blog does not begin to cover those cases. I’m strictly discussing lying from the perspective and under the umbrella of control issues, which is what I’m most familiar with. All lies destroy trust no matter what the reasons for lying are, and I have zero tolerance for lies in marriage. When you’re dealing with a strained marriage and finding out whether your spouse is willing to admit there is a problem and change, the lies absolutely must go to find out if trust is even possible again.

By popular request I will break down my original version of a Detox Drink as seen on Seven Year Switch. I first heard about ACV (Apple Cider Vinegar) based Detox Drinks through Dr. Axe in Nashville, but before I knew it, I had created my own version that I liked even more. Just FYI, I always have a butter knife inside to stir the cinnamon because it gathers at the bottom.I start with organic lemons from the local farmers market. Of course you can buy lemons anywhere, but the taste is far more delicious, and the nutrients more dense, the less travel time to your mouth. My motto is buy local when possible.Next I get Apple Cider Vinegar and it must say organic, raw, unfiltered with the 'mother' to have all the tremendous health benefits. My preferred brand is Bragg Apple Cider Vinegar because it includes all of the above and doesn't cut corners or pasteurize. You can pick it up at Whole Foods, Kroger, Ralph's, Publix, and many other grocery stores.My favorite honey is Pacifica Pure Virgin Sage Honey because it is natural, raw, and unprocessed. I find this at Whole Foods and also my local farmers market in Los Angeles. It's my preferred choice to sweeten a Detox Drink and can even help your body fight local allergens. I'm not a believer in Stevia or any other zero calorie powder sweeteners, but I will not bore you with my research and reasons why. ;-) In short, raw honey is a wonderful, natural sweetener that has been around since Bible times.I am a total brand snob, so once I find a brand I like I will go to several stores to get it when it's sold out. Simply Organic Cinnamon has the smoothest taste of them all and stirs into the drinks more effectively. Again, you can use any brand you prefer, but I find the best tasting Detox Drink comes from the combination of my favorite brands and I am confident in their high quality.Detoxing is as simple as four ingredients and you're on your way to cleaning your digestive system and ridding your body of harmful toxins! This picture shows all the items you need to whip it up quickly.1. One glass2. Lemon Squeezer3. 1 Tbsp4. 1/4 Tsp (or 1/8 Tsp)5. Sharp knife and butter knife6. Lemon, ACV, Raw Honey, & CinnamonBegin by slicing one lemon. Squeeze 1/2 lemon (if large) or both halves (if small) into your glass.Next measure 1 Tbsp of ACV and pour in with freshly squeezed lemon juice. I recommend starting with 1 Tbsp ACV, working your way up to 1.5 Tbsp ACV, and eventually reaching the full dose of 2 Tbsp as your body and taste buds adjust.Squeeze approx three drops of honey into the lemon and ACV mix. You can add more to taste and find your own personal "sweet spot."Now it's time to add some color and the great effects of cinnamon: balancing your blood sugar and aiding in digestion. Sometimes you will want to drink one of these right before a bigger or higher carb meal. Your stomach will thank you for the help in digesting all that food! Another thing is if you accidentally overload on sweets, a Detox Drink will help to balance your blood sugar level. Simply add between 1/8 Tsp and 1/4 Tsp of Cinnamon to taste or simply shake it straight from the container and wing it. It is important to stir the cinnamon into the lemon, ACV, and honey, combining all ingredients very well before you continue. Once you add water, the cinnamon will only float at the top and not mix in properly and the honey will clump and not sweeten the entire drink.Add purified or filtered water to fill about 3/4 of the glass and then some ice cubes. You are ready to detox! Notice some of the cinnamon is already collecting, and that is totally normal. Just stir occasionally as you drink.You can have a Detox drink daily if you'd like. Or challenge yourself for a week to ten days at a time and then take breaks. Whatever you choose, it's always a good thing for your digestive system that is constantly weighed down by internal and external toxins. 2 Tbsp of ACV per day is the max recommended. Maintaining a healthy gut through clean eating and daily Detox Drinks will also promote beautiful hair, skin, and nails. You can play and download "It's All You" below while you make it. The song will pump you up and encourage you to reach your goals! Thank you for your continued support and passion for Seven Year Switch. xoxo

Thank you for all the kind words and support you’ve offered. I’ve had a lot to think about since the last episode of Seven Year Switch, and of course like you, I’m anxious to see how things play out next week. The thing that breaks my heart the most about the most recent episode is the way CW spoke to me at our reunion dinner and cut me off. How he didn’t listen to me and allow me to express my feelings. It pains me to watch him discount my feelings and try to silence me. After being away from controlling behavior for two weeks, it was even more shocking to experience it. This got me thinking about how controlling behaviors can creep into a relationship slowly and subtly so that over time you’re tolerating more and more.  Have you been in a relationship that was built on mutuality with equal power only to find out later that subtle forms of control started to creep in? I have definitely dated guys who from the start were controlling, and I ran the other way immediately. I hadn’t experienced the subtle form of control that isn’t so obvious. It’s just as dangerous to the psyche though, and causes emotional anguish. What starts as subtle control, disguised as strength and leadership qualities, and an endearing dislike for being wrong, will escalate over time and turn into overt controlling behavior and an unwillingness to be wrong. When you don’t know about an established control connection that is subtle, it seems more like confrontations or arguments that you can’t ever resolve. Over time in my marriage, I had learned that those “confrontations” happened mostly when I expressed feelings. As a natural instinct to avoid so many confrontations, I tried to keep my feelings inside. Unmuting myself during my time with Eric was the best therapy I could have had. I got to remember what it’s like to not be concerned that what is expressed can be received as an attack and could end in deep pain. How would you respond to someone who feels attacked by your very presence and authentic voice?Controlling People by one of my favorite authors Patricia Evans has some interesting ideas on how to respond. She suggests asking, “What did you say?” until the “spell” of control is broken. This is effective and also keeps the person on the receiving end from falling into the trap of explaining how he or she didn’t mean it as an attack. Evans points out that explaining yourself only tells the controller that you accept their behavior and his or her anger toward you is rational. It’s hard to trust your own perceptions when you think of your partner as so rational, and so able to see you for who you really are, probably better than yourself. When they continually tell you they love you, you believe what they tell you about yourself and believe that they are on your team. I’m learning and growing even more while I view our switch therapy experiment play back on TV. It’s far more enlightening to watch our relational dynamics as a “third party.” It’s a rare and close look that only Seven Year Switch could provide.

I’m a little nervous about watching the new episode of Seven Year Switch this Tuesday night. It’s so hard to have been away from CW for two weeks with absolutely no contact, to have reconnected with my old self and learned so much, to have heard so many heart-conflicting stories from Danielle, and to be reuniting with so many questions. I don’t want things to go back to how they were. Based on Danielle’s description, CW was pretty upset I stared into Eric’s eyes. I would have never guessed! It seemed like an innocent exercise and I trusted Dr. Jessica completely. I had no clue CW would view it as crossing a line. In fact, when Eric and I did it, it reminded me of the fun I had as a kid seeing how long we could stare without laughing. Eric and I were having trouble not laughing! Plus, I always look into my friend’s eyes, and even stranger’s eyes, every time I interact with them. I have so many concerns running through my head. How do I make sure I don’t return to the stressed out, tension-filled, emotionally exhausted wife I was pre-experiment? How do I use my voice under the same roof that seemed impossible to be heard under? I want to go home, but I also don’t. I’m certain I don’t want to spend another hour with Eric, but will I be able to stay relaxed and free-spirited at home? Or will my spirit return to the almost dead state I started this experiment with? I can’t go back to that. I will not allow it. Life without my joyful spirit is not living at all. I’m frustrated that Eric waited until the very last night to say what was “on his mind.” We were supposed to be wrapping up the experiment and preparing for reuniting with our spouses the next day, not opening up a brand new can of worms! And worms that didn’t even seem to make sense at that! Eric definitely hooked my attention with his accusation. Although I couldn’t see it for what it was that evening, I was determined to be Eric’s cheerleader for speaking up. After all, I can always get better. And even if the advice doesn’t come out as sincere advice from a caring heart, or doesn’t seem to fit, I can always find a way to learn from it. In fact, the tactic Eric used was to accuse me of something I wasn't guilty of. He said I should ask him more questions, which I had actually been doing constantly, much to his dismay. This is a tactic I’ve recently read about in Patricia Evan’s brilliant book Controlling People. It’s a sort of crazy making control tactic where you accuse the person of the very thing you’re guilty of to keep them looking inward and give yourself the power. It’s a great read I recommend to anyone, and I’ll probably write a lot more about it in future blogs. Controlling behaviors such as the above are a covert way to control and are not so obvious. It catches you off guard and throws you off balance. Before this experiment I couldn't recognize exactly what was going on and how to respond. It threw me off center, and it was hard to pinpoint what had just happened. This is also one way CW unfortunately had been relating to me, and Dr. Jessica picked up on it in one of our first sessions with her! What a game changer…or should I say life changer because I don’t play games. So tomorrow I will be reunited with my husband, CW. I’m anxious to see if he uses any of his control tactics that I couldn’t name at the time. It looks like that clip of us talking about drinks and boundary breaking could be the very behavior I’m learning about. If he discounts what actually happened to silence me and I get thrown off again, it will be very hard to watch. I hope I’m able to speak up and recognize the controlling behavior for what it is. I’ll be watching with you and learning even more as I watch. You see, the Seven Year Switch experiment doesn’t stop teaching you when it ends. That’s just the beginning.