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Monster Crush

Author: Monster Crush

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Dating can be hard - especially when your date is the legendary Bigfoot! Where do you take a guy like that? More importantly, where do you find a guy like that? You're in luck because our crypto-woo-ologists have a binder full of suitable candidates ready for one hell of a good time. Whether or not our bait survives is up to them. Who says love isn't without a few risks?
80 Episodes
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In the spirit of March Madness we give you a showdown between some of the most madness-inducing monsters ever imagined. Get ready for In The March of Madness, a 17-monster single-elimination bracket featuring some of the most notable eldritch horrors of Lovecraftian fiction. We get really deep with these old ones as we narrow down who is the most smoochable cosmic horror. Featuring: Lovecraft is a piece of **** but his monsters are neat, the worst name for a cat, THE EASTERN CONFERENCE, big fish vs. flaccid volcano, galaxy-sized mass of swirling tentacles vs. flappy slug that controls dolphins, plus some major upsets and so much more! CW: the racism, xenophobia, misogyny, and otherwise ultra-conservatism of H.P. Lovecraft, discussions of "madness" outside of mental health definitions, mention of SA, occultism We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
WaHOOO Happy Mario Day! Or rather Happy March 10 (MAR10)! To celebrate we pulled inspiration from everyone’s favorite plumber/shell-stomper to present two monsters from the real-world. So make sure you have extra lives and get ready for The Tanuki and the Kayeri!. The Tanuki is a yokai from Japanese folklore and mythology which presents as a shapeshifting racoon dog with a massive set of… attributes. Meanwhile the Kayeri are giant mushroom monsters Cuiba people of Colombia and Venezuela. Will LD find love with these monsters? Listen to find out!  Featuring: Our first Mario games, who we main in Mario Kart and what that says about us, some Mario facts and history, we are not a video game podcast, the most useful balls in monsterdom, prankster yokai, playground songs about monster scrotums, super strong fungi, mushrooms will take your daughters and your cows, and what if the balls are… too big? CW: A LOT of genital talk in this one, mentions of trickery/deception/gaslighting, mentions of kidnapping, mentions of damage to internal organs/death We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
Date 74 - JUMPSCARE!

Date 74 - JUMPSCARE!

2024-02-2901:27:12

Take the jump with us into a whole new series of dates! For this Leap Year Derek presents LD with two monsters who use jumping as their primary means of motion. So hop on in, strap on, and strap in for the Pérák, the Spring Man of Prague, and the Jiangshi, the hopping vampires of China. Also, get ready for some Spooky News that also weirdly features a jumping monster and just so much more.  Featuring: Jumping as the best method of movement, happy Leap Year to all the “Bisextiles”, Leap Year traditions, Leap Year Monsters that will break your heart, Spooky News!, Japanese chode snakes will boost the economy, The Spring Man is the Czech Captain America, Hopping for Qi, unkillable monsters with way too many weaknesses, recognizing red flags, and MORE. CW: Mentions of attacks, mentions of sexual assault, discussions of WWII, discussions of war, discussions of death/corpses We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
Happy New Year… again! That is, Happy Lunar New Year and according to the Chinese zodiac it is the year of the Wood Dragon! So 28 episodes after first mentioning them, we are finally giving Chinese Dragons their own episode. Join us as we delve into the millennia of tradition and culture that have shaped the various types of Chinese Dragons and be patient with Derek as he does his damn best to pronounce Chinese words. Featuring: The caffeine that powers Monster Crush, Happy Lunar New Year, LD & Derek’s Chinese Zodiac signs, Snek, A LOT of nines and other numbers, clam bellies, dragons are camel/bull/rabbit/stag/snake/clam/carp/tiger/eagles, so many Chinese dragons, even more Chinese dragons, no jokes about Longwang, lethal fashion, dragons are EVERYWHERE… so are dinosaurs?, Phoenix yes/Tiger no CW: Real world religions, Ancient religious beliefs, Storms/Dangerous weather phenomena We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
Date 72 - BOOed Offstage

Date 72 - BOOed Offstage

2024-01-2901:19:43

Where do you plan to spend your afterlife? For some of the departed, they chose an eternity of entertainment in the theater! Join us as LD joins two of her loves: Scares and Stagecraft to discuss Theater Ghosts! These paranormal performers and spectral spectators are sure to send a shiver up your spine when all is dark except the ghostlight! Featuring: An unasked for deep dive into Derek’s religious ideologies, Hot takes on Jackalopes, 10 foot tall aliens EVERYWHERE, Theater Superstitions, The REAL Phantom of the Opera and Spooky News: Democracy chooses Chupacabra, High Quality Collectible Cryptid Bobbleheads, Brazilian mountain aliens, Miami Mall Aliens CW: Real world religions, Ancient religious beliefs, Death/Tragedy, Historical discrimination, and Tragedies related to fire We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
With all of the change that the new year brings it's sometimes nice to settle down with something familiar. And better the monster you know... or at least heard mentioned once on a previous episode. We return for second chances for one particular monster who didn't get the spotlight before. This episode is all about The Van Meter Visitor! So join us for the tale of a pterasaur with a laser-beam on its foreheard who terrorized a small Iowan town in the early 1900s! Featuring: New Year resolutions (or not), second cryptid chances, following your heart, in a time before The Music Man, everyone in Iowa is locked and loaded, hunting monsters with all five senses, stinky cryptids deserve love too, aliens brought dinosaurs back, and pterodactyls with fricken laser beams attached to their heads CW: Gun violence, mentions of voyeurism, mass panic/mob mentality We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
An episode just in time for your holiday travels (but maybe skip the bridge part if you are driving over one), it's Mothman Part 2! So strap in and strap on for all you've ever wanted to know about everyone's favorite winged harbinger of doom! Featuring: Here come the Men in Black, The Smiling Man, Mothman can smell your menstruation, bridge collapsing bummers, just all of the conspiracy theories, Mothman's Chicago rebranding, and everyone's new favorite cryptid: BIGHOOT CW: Tragedy/death/disaster, mentions of suicide, mentions of blood, government manipulation/gaslighting, kidnapping, descriptions of humanoid uncanny valley We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
It's finally here! Episode 69 of Monster Crush (nice nice nice) and for this very special occasion we bring you everyone's favorite cryptid harbinger of doom, the one and only MOTHMAN. And just because we can't get enough of this red-eyed nightmare beast, this is only part ONE of a TWO PART SERIES! Featuring: Mothman is a (tragic) Christmas story, cryptids who kill, touchable butts, West Virginia is for Monsters, Everyone's favorite cryptids, the inexplicable life of John Keel, "Fortean", and EVERYONE LOVES MOTHS CW: Tragic death/disaster (3:55), Dog death (23:50, 28:00 - 29:00), Alleged harm to children (29:50) We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
In honor of the important recent holiday, Black Friday (duh), we change things up a bit this week. Instead of monsters we discuss Cursed/Haunted Items! Would you purchase something knowing it's cursed? Many people have and in this episode we talk about three of the biggest cursed items out there. Featuring: The "Mummy" that sank the Titanic, A New Game: Damn, That's Scary to Look At, Dybbuk Box scares, Take Jedi warnings seriously, Shakespeare's favorite orgy bed, and an ode to the beauty of Elizabeth Hurley CW: discussions of curses, death, house fires/arson, misuse of bodily fluids, xenophobia, execution, and mentions of suicide at (15:45 and 18:00) We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
Ready for a cryptid that LD described as "unsettling in a sexy way"? Who? Exactly. No, who? Yes, exactly. That joke only kind of works in text but what does work is the Owlman of Mawnan! Get ready for big wings and an even bigger heart and an EVEN BIGGER set of eyes that will leave you in fear! Featuring: Batman: the cryptid of Gotham, Spooky News: Monster Mash Money and Goldie Hawn's close encounter, MORGAWR!, Cryptids & Conmen, Definitely Glowing Eyes, This is the same (cryptid) picture, and Lost Tapes We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.
Happy Halloween from all of us at Monster Crush! To celebrate this, the most monstrous time of the year, LD presents her first singletons! We get down and smutty with a group of singletons pulled straight from the mind of two-time Hugo award nominee, and writer of works such as Space Raptor Butt Invasion and Bisexual Mothman Mailman Makes A Special Delivery In Our Butts, Dr. Chuck Tingle! One thing is for sure in this episode, we are going to prove LOVE IS REAL! Featuring: Nessie neck problems, Spooky News Update, the sexiest slasher villain, the worst kind of reverse medusa, and the true differences between Dinosaurs & Unicorns & Bigfoots & Living Objects CW: This episode contains sensitive topics such as death, body horror, and sleep paralysis in addition to our usual discussions of sex and intimacy with potentially non-human partners. We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our theme music is by the handsome and partnered Nick Lambert (find him on Instagram @lambertropolis). All other sounds and music were provided through a license with Epidemic Sound.
Date 65 - New Blood

Date 65 - New Blood

2023-10-1701:02:21

Some bittersweet news for our humble show. Co-founder, co-host, and co-cryptowoologist Heaven-Leigh has had to step back from the show. She is safe and healthy but some recent life events (including good stuff like a promotion) have left her without the time she feels that Monster Crush deserves. We wish Heaven-Leigh the absolute best of luck and want you all to know that the second she has time to come back, there will always be a seat waiting for her. But the show must go on! At least Derek and Heaven-Leigh feel that it should. So... Derek is joined this week by his new co-host. Someone you all already know from her recent guest-appearance on the show. Please welcome Jordan, AKA The Lady Dame (LD also works). LD brings her love of monsters and expertise in monster smooching to the table and is just the best for agreeing to join the show with little notice. So in honor of LD's first show, and it being the Most Monstrous Time of the Year, we bring you the most well known vampire cryptid around... El Chupacabra! Get ready for a great time that also SUCKS in the best of ways. Featuring: Leftovers with Step-Dad, Older than a Chupacabra(?), SPOOKY NEWS, Hop like a Tasmanian Tiger, Future Grunch, Types of Chupacabras, Top 5 Cryptids, Don’t believe everything you see in movies, and MANGE! CW: This episode contains sensitive topics such as harm/death to animals and blood/loss of blood We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our theme music is by the handsome and taken Nick Lambert (find him on Instagram @lambertropolis). All other sounds and music were sourced through a license with Epidemic Sound.
It's PART 2 of A Cryptid By Any Other Name! The final addition to this mini series of oddly-named monsters gives us a practical bounty of creepy-creature-delights. Derek presents Heaven-Leigh with the folkloric Jimmy Squarefoot and eldritch being, The Nameless Thing of Berkeley Square. We also discover a rival to THE WORST CRYPTID NAME EVER, stand back **********, Mel's Hole has some competition for you. Featuring: Nicknames in life, the secrets of Mel's Hole, justice for the sheep, JINGLE JINGLE JINGLE, haunted real estate, naming the nameless, famous octopuses, and Derek turns 34 CW: This episode contains sensitive topics such as murder, harm to domestic animals, brief references to cancer/tumors, domestic violence, violent death, drug references, and a 9/11 joke at the very end We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our theme music is by the handsome and partnered Nick Lambert (find him on Instagram @lambertropolis). All other third party sounds and music were provided through a license with Epidemic Sound.
Looking for love in all the wrong places? Not anymore! We're armed and here to annihilate!!! In aMonster Crush first, Derek chooses which to kill between two insect cryptids. Judgment free, but these guys are GROSS! Do we need both of them, really? I don't think so! Warning: This episode contains sensitive topics such as genocide, brief mentions of needles, insects, blood, and spiders. Featuring: Sweet Blood™️; Spooky News Update!; Sad Bug Poems; Bugs Ain' Got No Bones; A Mosquito With A Propensity for Violence; Experiments Gone Right!; Be a Caretaker We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our theme music is by the handsome and no-longer-on-the-market, Nick Lambert (find him on Instagram @lambertropolis). All other third party sounds and music were provided through a license with Epidemic Sound.
Get ready for a little playful biting as Derek is joined by a special guest, The Lady Dame (LD)! LD lends her lovely voice to the show for a special episode of exploring all things lycanthrope through the lore of Dungeons & Dragons. There's blood and hair in weird places so you know it will be a good time! Warning, this podcast contains discussions of body horror, arachnophobia, real and fictional diseases, and violence. Featuring: Werebeast Etymology; Smokey the Werebear; Rats Human Hands; Weredogs: The Lawful Good Boys; Antonio Banderas Weretigers; Undying love for Werewolves. We are proud to be part of the Sword and Key network. Our music is by the handsome and no-longer-on-the-market Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.
There are a lot of them, they're fast-moving, and maybe the politest love interests we've ever had?? This week, the Tuscumbia Space Penguins set their sights on our grassy mounds! Insert another sexual innuendo here! Aliens! Featuring: Spooky News; Don’t Check the Weather; Milk Princess; Nice Guy (Derogatory); Kangaroo Leather; Geena Davis; Bloopers. We are proud to be part of the Sword and Key network. Our music is by the handsome and no-longer-on-the-market Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.
Is not a cryptid by any other name just as smoochable? This week we explore our romantic options with two objectively silly named cryptids, The Old Saybrook Blockheads and The Sandown Clown. We also discuss THE WORST CRYPTID NAME EVER, a name I will not type in these show notes. Strap in and strap on! Featuring: Is Your Sister HOT?, Spooky News, Objectively Bad Names, Ugly Aliens, Thing Facts, The National Poo Museum, Sounds Humans Love, Origins of "Hello", Big Bimbo-Energy Clowns, and The Irresistable Erotics of Close-up Magic We are proud to be part of the Sword and Key network. Our music is by the handsome and second-most-eligible bachelor in North America, Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. CW: mentions of slavery, coulrophobia, and mentions of pedophilia
This week we head to Papua New Geninue in search of God's little miracle the Ropen, a not-dinosaur that was consciously curated to eat fish, rob graves, and act as the best nightlight around. Take that, Devil! (PS: I tried to build an audio cave out of cardboard boxes I stole from my hot neighbor's recycling and it messed up my audio really bad, sorry!) Featuring: Sorry Dad!; Dino Yes or No; Grave Robbing; Devil Pranks; Cryptids for Christ; Banana for (Radioactivity) Scale. We are proud to be part of the Sword and Key network. Our music is by the handsome and second-most-eligible bachelor in North America, Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.
Brrr, what's that? It's a b-b-blast from the past with our first ever FROM THE VAULT episode. We recorded this episode almost two years ago to the day and immediately blacked out, we don't remember a thing. Recently resurfaced, we've blown off the dust and present this gently used episode for your enjoyment. Blast the AC, bundle up, and don't forget your snow goggles, we're finding love below zero (degrees Fahrenheit). Featuring: Lite Blood Magick; (OG) Spooky News!; Gay Fishes; Tickle Fight (To The Death); Sexy Suffrage; Ghost Child Custody; Hostile Arby’s. We are proud to be part of the Sword and Key network. Our music is by the handsome and second-most-eligible bachelor in North America, Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.
Date 58 - Boss Babes Pt. 2

Date 58 - Boss Babes Pt. 2

2023-06-1901:05:10

Bigger, badder, bossier. Bowser may rule with an iron fist, but at least he has a kingdom. This week's boss babe isn't interested in anything except the total destruction of Hyrule. Uh-oh – red flag alert! (His beige flag is that he's a redhead.) Featuring: Spooky News!; Ice Planet Barbarians; F**k Scott Fitzgerald; Sex Pollen; Bitter, Old Witches; Tears of the Kingdom Spoilers; Holy Rain; Competitive Dates. We are proud to be part of the Sword and Key network. Our music is by the handsome and second-most-eligible bachelor in North America, Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.
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