Mostly Functional Humans

Humans are nomadic creatures. Luckily only one of us has ever moved to (and from) Florida. Get our your packing peanuts, it's time to transport all of your possessions. Thanks as always to Producer Trevor "Treasure" Matthews and Engineer "a neat roll of packing tape" Matt. Please donate all of your old books and buy new ones at Literati Bookstore. Hide inside a cardboard box and order a cocktail at Alley Bar. It will be just like Metal Gear Solid. This joke is just for me, really. Okay, well, maybe send us an email at mostlyfunctionalhumans@gmail.com sometime.

What does it take to be a well-dressed person in this age of easily purchased and delivered Internet pants? Strap on some dress sneakers, it's time for a trip to the tailor. Thanks to snappy vest of a person Producer Trevor "Treasure" Matthews and comfortable jeans engineer Engineer Matt. Dress to the nines and visit our sponsors Literati Bookstore and Alley Bar! Do you have advice on how to dress like a grown man while remaining comfortable in the extreme heat of summer? Please send them to mostlyfunctionalhumans@gmail.com

The great outdoors! Get it while it lasts! Assuming you think it's fun to do that! Produced with love by genius friend Trevor "Treasure" Matthews. Engineered by Engineer Matt. Give your money to Alley Bar and Literati Bookstore. Send us your nature horror stories at mostlyfunctionhumans@gmail.com

Let's break up the bummer topics for a change with a frank discussion of ... death. They're all bleak now, guys. Huge thanks to Literati and Alley Bar as always for sponsoring, and Engineer Matt and Producer Trevor "Treasure" Matthews for the glorious ear tickles of this little audio file. Send us an email at mostlyfunctionalhumans@gmail.com, you dorks.

Whoa, a second live episode! Come for the stories about living with/near people, but stay for the big audience member serial killer reveal. Thank you so much to Literati and Alley Bar! Bless you Matt and Trevor! Please send us an email about whether neighbors are worthwhile to mostlyfunctionalhumans@gmail.com

Some topics deserve a second conversation. We need to talk about food and bodies and thinking about food and bodies. Thank you to the thankies. Bless you Trevor for turning this around so quickly. Please send us an email at mostlyfunctionalhuman@gmail.com

Slap on some SPF 7,000 and get ready to complain about being sweaty! It's summer and these two dorks are already miserable.

Oh the glamour of the silver screen! Oh the impossibility of explaining the Blockbuster VHS wall to a child born after 2007. We tried to talk about movies and stuff, but Rich maybe can't get past the reality of porn existing. Thanks as always to our super sexy team of Engineer Matt and Producer Trevor "Treasure" Matthews. Have an exciting beverage and book buying experience at Literati. Speak in overly dramatic dialogue at Alley Bar. Send us an email about your plans for keeping kids from watching porn at mostlyfunctionalhumans@gmail.com.

Money: A construct designed to dehumanize and oppress OR fun tokens to be enjoyed by those who are passively dehumanizing and oppressing? Let's discuss! Seriously though, everything about money is so stressful. In unrelated news, thank you so much to our sponsors Alley Bar and Literati bookstore! Thanks to Producer Trevor "Treasure" Matthews and Engineer Matt! Send us your emails about money, poop, or whatever to mostlyfunctionalhumans@gmail.com.

Are sports ... good? Sound quality exists thanks to the All-Star Team of Engineer Matt and Producer Trevor Matthews. Buy them both a drink at our beloved Alley Bar. Buy a book at Literati. Tell Rich which team to root for via an email to mostlyfunctionalhumans@gmail.com.

Is there a more central question to adulthood than "should I have kids?" Well, should you? And why does Rich think now that he has, no one else gets to? Is he a womb hipster? Hm. Engineered by Matt the Engineer. Produced by Trevor Matthews the Producer. Buy them both a drink at our beloved Alley Bar. Buy a book at Literati. TELL US IF WE SHOULD HAVE KIDS via an email to mostlyfunctionalhumans@gmail.com.

We make a funny in person. Or tried. Let's play. Engineered IN PERSON by Engineer Matt. Produced from so many tracks by Trevor "Treasure" Matthews. Sponsored by hosts Alley Bar and patient cool people Literati. Book us for your mom's birthday at mostlyfunctionalhumans@gmail.com.

The entire world is scary as heck right now. You know what might fix that? Petting a dog! You know what might make that worse? Killing a bird on accident! Engineered by subwoofer Matt. Produced by Trevor "A Cat Named Treasure" Matthews. Sponsored by the cool cats Alley Bar and Literati. Drop us a treat at mostlyfunctionalhumans@gmail.com.

Is it better to have a good nickname or give excellent nicknames? Neither! It's way better to have a wonderful name to begin with. Engineered by Matty Matty Swamp Ratty. Produced Trevor "Treasure" Matthews. Sponsored by Super Tall Alley Bar and Mega Hottie Literati. mostlyfunctionalhumans@gmail.com.

Hey, why not have a little memento mori with that sheet cake? Let's talk about birthdays and our impending death. Engineered by party hat Matt. Produced by human confetti Trevor "Treasure" Matthews. Drink and ponder your own fragile existence at Alley Bar. Buy a bunch of existentialist paperbacks at Literati. Make us feel better by sending an email to mostlyfunctionalhumans@gmail.com.

WHO WOULD SING IN FRONT OF PEOPLE ON PURPOSE? Engineered by total diva Matt. Produced by actual music talent haver Trevor Matthews. Keep your songs to yourself when having a quiet drink at Alley Bar. Croon to the good people of Literati. Tell Rich it's weird to wade into the crowd at mostlyfunctionalhumans@gmail.com.

Human bodies get pretty gross pretty quickly. Let's talk about wiping, scrubbing, and flossing. Engineered by good smeller Matt. Produced by best hair haver Trevor Matthews. Check yourself out in the mirror at Alley Bar. Feel bad you don't look as attractive as literally everyone who works at Literati. Send us a toothbrush at mostlyfunctionalhumans@gmail.com.

Alcohol is a shared hobby in the frozen North of America and the balmy South of Canada. Do you know your #teens are drinking? Because they're totally drinking. Engineered by most based papi sober dude top fella Matt. Produced by literally your dad dad daddy Trevor Matthews. Buy them both a Shirley Temple at our beloved Alley Bar. Buy a cookbook for liquids at Literati. Send us a barrel of liquor at mostlyfunctionalhumans@gmail.com.

How does the ultimate apex predator regulate what it eats when everything on the dollar menu is literally only a dollar? Turns out maybe we don't. Let's talk about the things we eat and why we eat them. Engineered by Matt the Engineer. Produced by Trevor Matthews the Producer. Buy them both a drink at our beloved Alley Bar. Buy a book at Literati. Send us endless buckets of food at mostlyfunctionalhumans@gmail.com.

Has America ever gotten anything as spot on as Thanksgiving? Probably not. Hot Topics include Canadian envy, booze pacing, something called Name Day(?), and lots of turkey talk. Turkey isn't that good, people. Engineering by "Enginear and Dear Matt" Matt. Produced by 'lil cutie McSnacks Trevor "Treasure" Matthews. Buy them both a drink at our beloved Alley Bar. Buy a book at Literati. Send us food at mostlyfunctionalhumans@gmail.com.